LunaPup11
03-05-2007, 09:27 PM
I am 17 years old and grew up in a small town in NY. I have an older sister who is schizophrenic, a brother who got out of town as fast as he could, a severely depressed father and a nephew who is only 18 months old and in a month will be adopted by another family. Then there is my mother. She has had legal custody of me since I was a baby when my parents split. She became a lesbian and has had many partners in her/my life. Growing up I looked up to her, she was strong, physically and personality wise, she had lots of friends who I loved and who I considered to be part of my family. She was so talented in many ways, she could build the most beautiful patios and gardens, but she could also cook the best food out of things that I would look in the cupboard and say there was nothing. This makes her sound like a little house wife type of person, but those who knew her or took one look at her would consider her a "butch lesbian." I never cared as I myself was quite the tom boy who always wanting to help her with fixing the car or mowing the lawn, simply because that’s what she did and I wanted to be like her. Life wasn't always easy and pretty, we moved many times, and total in my 17 years I have live in 20 places. There was a lot of fighting and arguing between my parents and even my mom’s partners.
She had a few partners in my life, one who was like a mother to me more then my own mother. It was when she left after being there for 5 years that my life went down hill. This was very rough on my mom. Shortly after she had surgery on her knee and then gave her kidney to her brother who is diabetic. From all of her surgeries she was in a lot of pain and was put on narcotic pain killers. My sister started to act up doing drugs and her schizophrenia was showing through a lot more and it became clear that she actually had a problem beside regular teen mischief. This was also very hard on my mom and their relationship was horrible.
My mom met another woman and actually quit smoking and was doing very well I thought. They were together for about 3 years and then when they broke up my mom started drinking. She would go out every night and usually come home after I was in bed so I never saw it. Also when I did see her I think I was too ignorant to admit it. It became a problem because I never saw her and when I would ask her to just stay home and hang out and watch a movie she would ignore my wishes. She lost all of her old friends and the new ones were all from the bars so they were all in the same boat sinking.
Somewhere along the line she met some people who were into smoking a lot of pot and using heroin and cocaine. So being in a very unstable state of being, my mother got sucked in like the teenager under peer pressure. I didn't really know this and realize it until I found it. I found a bag on the counter and I didn't recognize it so curious I opened it and there were needles and little bags of white stuff. Having seen the movies and the typical needle and white powder I knew it wasn't good. So I took it and hid it in my closet and locked the door. When she saw it was gone she freaked out running around the house tearing everything apart looking for it trying to be calm with me asking me if I had seen a pouch on the counter if I did anything with it. She was frantic. I could only hope that if I ever went missing she might look for me like that. I had called my dad and told him what I found, he rushed over and he took it and he talked with her and then gave it back to her because it wasn't hers, she would have been in a lot of trouble with people if she didn't have it. Somewhere in there was a promise to stop. Shortly after I kept finding spoons that had burn marks on the bottom. I finally figured out that she was melting down what ever drug and injecting it in her arm. She would lock her door at night and say not to bother her. I would watch through her window from outside and she would just go comatose and I wondered if she would wake up. When I said something to her about the spoons she claimed that it was what her doctor said to do, that it was her pain killers and that if she injected them then it worked faster and didn't have some other side effect like the pills. This was of course a lie like everything else that came out of her mouth.
It went on for a while, she wasn't working, and she was selling her prescription pain killers for money to buy her drugs. If I wanted anything I just took money from her. I decided to get the hell out of there and I did. I moved in with some of her old friends, the good ones. They were great people and helped me through it. Somewhere along the line my sister got pregnant and then had the baby in August and then there was my mother the drug addict living in the house with a baby. This was so unbearable to watch and at the same time some things were going wrong with the family I lived with for the past year, so to make it easier on them and seeing my mom half hearted attempts to get clean I moved back in with her. This only lasted a month before I finally had enough of her lying crap, but I’m still glad that I tried and I know I put forth all my effort. I moved out with yet another good old friend of hers. Mother got put in rehab.
I stopped talking to her. She was in one rehab for a few weeks but then she had to come back to see her doctor to get a med. changed and then she was off to another rehab. In between rehabs when she was back, I was walking in the mall and I heard her voice and I stopped dead in my tracks and panicked, my heart rate shot through the roof and if I wasn't young I would have had a heart attack. I searched for her spinning in circles and then I saw her talking to someone, I didn't even hesitate, I took off running. I was running as fast as I could leaving my friends confused jogging behind me. I was so upset with myself. This woman who I used to love and look up to now had that effect on me. She could make me go into survival mode in point two seconds. I hate her for that, that she can affect me so much.
She went to the next rehab and I heard nothing, because I didn't want to I erased her from me, it was easier. She was there for about 5 months then she came back to town on probation. I heard she was in town, people told me they saw her, I was just afraid she would find out where I lived and come knocking on my door. But then I heard through the grape vine that she violated her probation and was sentenced to eight month to a year in county jail. Many people kept saying oh I'm so sorry, but really I couldn't have been happier, she was gone again! She is still in there and I pray that she is in there as long as possible at least until I go into college.
Now life is kind of rocky again, I no longer talk to my dad who was my best friend, my sister has been in a state mental hospital for ten months and my nephew is about to be legally not part of my family. So I kind of laugh at the word family but I actually missed her for a split second and it scared the crap out of me. How do I miss and love someone who messed up my life so much? I know that once someone starts doing drugs it’s hard to stop but I hate her for starting and for lying to my face hundreds of times. I hate her with all my heart...I thought, but there was that moment. Now I ask myself what do I do when she gets out? Do I forgive her? She writes to me now and it messes with me so much that it kills me. She tells me stories from when she was little and she tells me what she is thinking and then she also tells me what she thinks I'm thinking and feeling, it kills me because she’s too close, she knows me too well. I didn't think she ever paid attention but she knows me and I hate it.
So what do I do now? I'm about to go to college, I'm an excellent student and I'm going to go to Cornell or UVM. I have a future, I'm not like my family, I'm normal what ever that is. People actually don't believe that I could be who I am because of my life, but I fought and I am who I am, they can't change me. Do I forgive or forget? What next? I don't have the answers for once and it’s weird because I always knew what to do next...now what? Suggestions?:confused:
She had a few partners in my life, one who was like a mother to me more then my own mother. It was when she left after being there for 5 years that my life went down hill. This was very rough on my mom. Shortly after she had surgery on her knee and then gave her kidney to her brother who is diabetic. From all of her surgeries she was in a lot of pain and was put on narcotic pain killers. My sister started to act up doing drugs and her schizophrenia was showing through a lot more and it became clear that she actually had a problem beside regular teen mischief. This was also very hard on my mom and their relationship was horrible.
My mom met another woman and actually quit smoking and was doing very well I thought. They were together for about 3 years and then when they broke up my mom started drinking. She would go out every night and usually come home after I was in bed so I never saw it. Also when I did see her I think I was too ignorant to admit it. It became a problem because I never saw her and when I would ask her to just stay home and hang out and watch a movie she would ignore my wishes. She lost all of her old friends and the new ones were all from the bars so they were all in the same boat sinking.
Somewhere along the line she met some people who were into smoking a lot of pot and using heroin and cocaine. So being in a very unstable state of being, my mother got sucked in like the teenager under peer pressure. I didn't really know this and realize it until I found it. I found a bag on the counter and I didn't recognize it so curious I opened it and there were needles and little bags of white stuff. Having seen the movies and the typical needle and white powder I knew it wasn't good. So I took it and hid it in my closet and locked the door. When she saw it was gone she freaked out running around the house tearing everything apart looking for it trying to be calm with me asking me if I had seen a pouch on the counter if I did anything with it. She was frantic. I could only hope that if I ever went missing she might look for me like that. I had called my dad and told him what I found, he rushed over and he took it and he talked with her and then gave it back to her because it wasn't hers, she would have been in a lot of trouble with people if she didn't have it. Somewhere in there was a promise to stop. Shortly after I kept finding spoons that had burn marks on the bottom. I finally figured out that she was melting down what ever drug and injecting it in her arm. She would lock her door at night and say not to bother her. I would watch through her window from outside and she would just go comatose and I wondered if she would wake up. When I said something to her about the spoons she claimed that it was what her doctor said to do, that it was her pain killers and that if she injected them then it worked faster and didn't have some other side effect like the pills. This was of course a lie like everything else that came out of her mouth.
It went on for a while, she wasn't working, and she was selling her prescription pain killers for money to buy her drugs. If I wanted anything I just took money from her. I decided to get the hell out of there and I did. I moved in with some of her old friends, the good ones. They were great people and helped me through it. Somewhere along the line my sister got pregnant and then had the baby in August and then there was my mother the drug addict living in the house with a baby. This was so unbearable to watch and at the same time some things were going wrong with the family I lived with for the past year, so to make it easier on them and seeing my mom half hearted attempts to get clean I moved back in with her. This only lasted a month before I finally had enough of her lying crap, but I’m still glad that I tried and I know I put forth all my effort. I moved out with yet another good old friend of hers. Mother got put in rehab.
I stopped talking to her. She was in one rehab for a few weeks but then she had to come back to see her doctor to get a med. changed and then she was off to another rehab. In between rehabs when she was back, I was walking in the mall and I heard her voice and I stopped dead in my tracks and panicked, my heart rate shot through the roof and if I wasn't young I would have had a heart attack. I searched for her spinning in circles and then I saw her talking to someone, I didn't even hesitate, I took off running. I was running as fast as I could leaving my friends confused jogging behind me. I was so upset with myself. This woman who I used to love and look up to now had that effect on me. She could make me go into survival mode in point two seconds. I hate her for that, that she can affect me so much.
She went to the next rehab and I heard nothing, because I didn't want to I erased her from me, it was easier. She was there for about 5 months then she came back to town on probation. I heard she was in town, people told me they saw her, I was just afraid she would find out where I lived and come knocking on my door. But then I heard through the grape vine that she violated her probation and was sentenced to eight month to a year in county jail. Many people kept saying oh I'm so sorry, but really I couldn't have been happier, she was gone again! She is still in there and I pray that she is in there as long as possible at least until I go into college.
Now life is kind of rocky again, I no longer talk to my dad who was my best friend, my sister has been in a state mental hospital for ten months and my nephew is about to be legally not part of my family. So I kind of laugh at the word family but I actually missed her for a split second and it scared the crap out of me. How do I miss and love someone who messed up my life so much? I know that once someone starts doing drugs it’s hard to stop but I hate her for starting and for lying to my face hundreds of times. I hate her with all my heart...I thought, but there was that moment. Now I ask myself what do I do when she gets out? Do I forgive her? She writes to me now and it messes with me so much that it kills me. She tells me stories from when she was little and she tells me what she is thinking and then she also tells me what she thinks I'm thinking and feeling, it kills me because she’s too close, she knows me too well. I didn't think she ever paid attention but she knows me and I hate it.
So what do I do now? I'm about to go to college, I'm an excellent student and I'm going to go to Cornell or UVM. I have a future, I'm not like my family, I'm normal what ever that is. People actually don't believe that I could be who I am because of my life, but I fought and I am who I am, they can't change me. Do I forgive or forget? What next? I don't have the answers for once and it’s weird because I always knew what to do next...now what? Suggestions?:confused: