I know, believe me, I know, you all are getting sick of me complaining and b*tchng, but I swear, sometimes I feel like this board is the only place I can come to in order to get these feelings out. Work sucked, I don't have the strength to go into why...let's just suffice it to say that I work with the elderly, and some of their grown children have basically abandoned them to live in filth and just have other people take care of their parents. I have one woman whose children live in town and they never check on her. My patience is gone with that.

Then I come home, totally forgot my son had ball practice tonight, jumped in the car, made the 50 mile round trip and got that done. Then come home and see my dad's bandages on his back. He just had surgery last Friday. I look and the bandages and can see the blood on them. Keep in mind they should have been changed yesterday, so I'm trying to keep from freaking out thinking he has bled THAT much since yesterday. So I get the medical kit out, start changing his dressings (mom is asleep in the bed) and I'm asking him questions...come to find out the bandages haven't been changed since he left the hospital on Saturday. I work all day, and being the idiot I am, assumed my mom would've followed the dr's orders and changed them like they should've been. Luckily, it doesn't look like any infection has set up, but I'm still royally p*ss*d off. And she doesn't include me in on his care from the dr's anymore because of my problem. I can understand not giving me access to his pills to give him, hell I don't want it, but godd@**it, at least include me in on the rest of it, since she does it when she feels like it. His stimulator isn't working right, so , since I happened to be in the hospital when the RN who handles the electronics of all this came in, I knew to put in a call to him to have him be present at my dad's next appt at the PM clinic. Mom was in the room at the same time, but I guess that little piece of info evaded her. I know she's under stress, and I'm more high strung than usual, but I am so damn stressed right now I don't know what to do.
Dad has Parkinson's and it is progressing fast, along with all the back problems. He's 57 years old...just 57...and I'm sitting here watching this man that I remember thinking was Superman when I was little deteriorate right before my very eyes, and there's nothing, NOTHING I can do about it. And I don't have my OC's, percs or vikes to hide behind and to find the strength to help me deal with this. I need my emotional net, and I need it bad. Yep, mom has hid the pills, but all of us addicts know we can find them. There's not a safe, or a hiding spot that can keep us from it if we really, really want to use. And I don't want to use, but I don't know if I can make it not using either...God, does that make sense to anyone out there? This whole conflict? I should be stronger than this, I should be able to handle this...people watch their parents go through this all the time, right? Cancer, Alzheimer's, PD...this is life, but it sucks...We've been here almost 10 months and I see it everyday...I should be adjusted to it, but it still hurts, b/c I love that man more than life, and watching this is killing me, and I don't regret one minute I've spent with him, not one single second, b/c one day the memories of the time I've had with him will be all I have and I KNOW I'd give anything in this world to just have one of those seconds back. It's just hard, and I'm not sure what to do anymore. I'm tired of running from my problems, b/c they always catch up.

I was a coke addict 3 years ago, and I haven't touched the stuff since, but now that I'm dealing with the guilt of the opiate use, the guilt of the things I did to get my coke fixes are coming back too. And I know beating myself up isn't going to help, but guys, I did some really really bad things for that ***** and I don't know why now the guilt of things I did over 3 years ago is haunting me on top of the rest of this.

OK, enough whining for tonight. I just needed to get that out.

Tracy

Tracy...just breath...you will get thru it...you may stumble, but pick yourself back up. You are going thru so much right now and have a lot of stuff on your plate...some you've put there yourself and some is being served anyway. It's ok. All of it...it's ok. Your feelings are real and you certainly came to the right place to voice them...we can all relate to many of the highs and lows you are experiencing. Forgive yourself, forgive your mother, forgive your father, forgive God. And breath...don't forget to breath. Hang in there....tomorrow is a new day.

Wanna hear the really ****ed up part? After I posted, I walked in the kitchen and dad's pills box was on the table....yep, 2 10 mgs perc's right there...hubby, kids,mom were in bed, dad asleep in the chair...coulda snatched them....wanted to...but went and took a hot bath and just cried instead..got out of tub, got dressed, walked back in the kitchen, dad had gone to bed and the pill box was gone. I know what I did was good, but I wanted them, but I just felt like if I took them, I'd feel even worse tomorrow, and I'm not sure I have the strength to do it again. 2 more days till maybe we find out what's wrong...then I can go bug the ppl on the bipolar/depression/mental illness board for awhile...lol...I'm tired, its been a long day...mary, if you read this, I want you to know that thinking of you and what you did the other night helped me to not take those things. Thank you so much, girl. Love you all.

Tracy

Your story hits so close to home with me. My mom had parkinsons at a very early age that in just 6 months from her diagnosis she was completely an invalid, unable to even go to the bathroom by herself.....at the same age as your dad....57. My mom too had pain meds prescribed for her that she really did not need in the amounts prescribed....which she gave to me for my neck troubles that had already started at that early age....so you see, my addictive cycle actually began more than 10 years ago. However, my drug use then came to an abrupt and horrific stop one Sunday afternoon.....Mothers Day 1998 to be exact. You see, I too have a horrible terrible secret that I have kept for the better part of a decade, tearing a hole in my heart that nothing will ever possibly mend. My mother, as I stated, was nearly a complete invalid with her rapidly advancing Parkinsons. She could not even sit up without assistance.
I was not working at the time and was the "so called...stay at home nurse-maid" to help mom with all her needs through the day while dad worked. Mothers Day 1998 I went to my church for a prayer service and brought home an african violet to cheer up mom. I sat with her while she watched tv....you see, she couldn't even sit up without having pillows prop her up, she was so weak. Well, I made a terrible choice that particular mother's day which has forever changed my life...I decided to take a nap in the afternoon. My father came home from work and found my mom had fallen face forward into the pillow used to prop her up....in her weakened state, she had suffocated and died. If I had only stayed by her side like I was supposed to that afternoon, she would not have died. The guilt and shame I carry with me to this day definitely has an influence on how I deal with serious issues and crisises in life. From that day on, my father and brother excommunicated me from the family and I have lived completely alone. In recent years, I have gotten a life partner, but that still does not fill the void of having absolutely no family. Imagine Christmas with not a single relative to call to send holiday wishes. To this day I have that one lonely african violet from Mothers Day that I cherish with all my heart. It is the one remaining piece on my mom that I can hold onto.
On the sad, yet positive side to this tragedy, her death cut me off from all source of any narcotics (since I am not the type of person who could ever resort to any sort of illegal means of obtaining drugs) and I was completely clean from 1998 until October 2005 when I had my spinal surgery.

Why have I butted in on your thread with my sordid tale of misery? Maybe to help you see some glimmer of light in what appears to be an otherwise dark and hopeless situation. You STILL have your parents to come home to. Your Mom may not be everything you want when it comes to caring for your dad.....but you have something so precious that I can never again have in my life....a mom and dad who, while not perfect, are still a living part of you.

Don't ever let that go. Use that strength to help you overcome the other issues, such as addiction and appreciate every single moment you have with them while you can.

Writing this post has brought to the surface feelings that I have tried so hard to keep tightly under wraps....and now the tears are flowing.

Sorry if this has rambled on and if it is inappropriate, feel free to have my post deleted.

Hugs
--Lou

Lou,

I'm in absolute tears reading your story. Oh god, it hits close. I'm afraid to sleep half the time b/c dad rambles around the house sometimes at night, and I'm scared he's going to fall and get hurt, and if I'm asleep, I know I'll feel like I should've been there to save him. You family shouldn't have done that to you...no way should you have felt excommunicated from them...as a caregiver, we get tired...we're human, and we have to take care of ourselves too...even something as small as a nap. Lou, that was NOT your fault, hon....I know that doesn't make you feel any better, but it wasn't. And I do love my parents. I do. My hubby and I gave up a 6 figure salary in Atlanta to come back here and take care of them at 30K/year. My family means more to me than life. I just get aggravated at my mom. I think she's depressed, and I need to try to fix her too.

Stay Strong
Tracy

Tracy

My "Rough and Ready' buddy. Things really are getting rough for you and I am so sorry about that. It seems you really are in the throes of anxiety and depression... and sad life issues. Heck of a combination there.

The depression so magnifies all of our past mistakes. Depression is rotten and angst-filling and sadly, it is so good at what is does. Thankfully, with therapy, and pershaps sometimes medication, we can stick it in the garbage can where it belongs.

Whewww... I hated when I had to be on the receiving end of hearing this, and I hate being the one to be saying it to someone else, but the bottom line is, it takes time to heal from this. Even with medication and therapy, it takes time. Lots of it.

BUT, the other thing I heard with exciting hope, and can say with exciting hope, is that it can get better. I can say with absolutle honesty that it has happened for me.... not once, but twice.

Tracy.. (AND Lou), I am so happy to see your posts here on the Recovery Board, but I honestly think and suggest that you might want to browse through and even post on the Depression board. Get all the knowledge, help and advice you can.

Lou.. if you are reading this, I think the Death and dying Board is another good place for you to maybe talk with others and find some resolution.

I wish both of you peace in the family situations and strength in the withdrawal and recovery processes.

In hope
reach

Ready

Been thinking about you. How are you today? I hope okay.

Please post when you can.

In friendship
reach

Hey Reach! Just got back from therapists office doing my intake. Bad news, looking at my financial info I'll wind up having to pay about 30% of the costs, but on the bright side it won't be 50%. I'll find a way to pay even if I have to start dancing on tables *smiles* Well, definite bipolar, possible ADD, and definite PTSD from the things I went through during my early teenage years. I go see psych nurse tomorrow for the meds. But, b/c I'm an addict they'll definitely have to be careful about what they can give me....so I guess, I'm in the same state as I was, but I feel better about telling her. I haven't used!! I will be 30 days opiate free tomorrow!! So I'm trying to keep my spirits up with that accomplishment. We'll see what meds they put me on, and how they work, but at least I'm doing something to fix it, or try to anyway.

How're you doing?? I'm so completely happy for you being totally done with the oxy...i know that was a long hard road for you, but you did it!! And without you I don't think I could've made it this far. Love ya, girl

Tracy

Heya

Hot-diggety-dog! Chuckles.

I have such a sense of relief that a dx had finally been made. Tracy, it has been a hard, life long road of feeling "off" fro you. My story has not been the same, but I can certainly empathize with all of your story and totally sympathize with particular parts.


Oh, Tracy, my prediction is that in just a couple of weeks, you are going to start feeling much better. And within a month, you are going to feel like a whole new person. Yessiree, I do believe this.

You stay strong, my friend. Ah, I know you will. Smiles.

Always
reach