It has taken me ages to find a decent site where i can ask for advice. Im stuck, i really am. Ive had eating disorders for years and years. I keep thinking im over it then it returns. The hardest bit for me at the moment is im bigger than i ever have been. My dilema is i know i could drop all of this weight if i did what i know. Starve and vomit, what ive known for years. im trying so hard to eat sensibly and excercise but its not getting me anywhere hence by the end of the day, i feel so bad ill binge and vomit 2 or 3 times. I hate it but i love it. I detest myself in every way, i have so many issues with everything. Its effecting my relationship badly and i know in turn will eventually effect my children too. Everything that goes wrong in my life i blame on my weight and my ugly body. I think i need some kind of therapy, but i find it so hard to talk to my doctor or anybody about. Some days i think, theres nothing wrong with me, others i think im going round the bend and need help. I just want some control over what i eat, why cant i just stop like everybody else? I could never eat just one biscuit, id have to eat the packet. I think a lot of the time im just bloody greedy and doing this all to myself. Somebody please advise me, do i need to go to my gp, what should i say, i feel stupid. I know all about healthy eatng, why cant i just do it?

I know what you're saying about therapy. Sometimes I feel like there is nothing wrong with me and I'm wasting my therapist's time. But then something blows up in my face and I'm glad to have the support. Give it a try. The trick is finding a therapist you feel comfortable with. Feel free to shop around. Once you find the right one you won't have trouble opening up to them.

You should look into therapy, particularly try finding a therapist experienced in treating people with EDs.

Recovery from an ED is possible, but you do have to realize that you do not recover from an ED simply by virtue: by going to therapy, seeing a dietician, taking antidepressants, etc., etc. That's what I thought for the longest time, "Well, I'm going to therapy, I see the dietician, the shrink, the doctor, I should be getting better." But, of course, I wasn't getting better because deep inside, I still wanted to hang on to the ED and was doing everything possible to thrwart recovery--continuing to overexercise, restricting food, abusing diet pills, taking laxatives, purging meals. So...you don't recover just by virtue of seeking help; you have to actively work at recovery.

It is difficult but it's really about breaking bad ED habits. For me, this included totally cutting out exercise to start with (which was horrible because I overexercised and wasted hours a day doing that), eating real meals and not kidding myself that ED meals were actually meals--I'm sure you know the thing--calling a box of frozen veggies dinner, calling an apple with cinnamon and artifical sweetner breakfast--stop taking the laxatives and diet pills, stop purging meals. It's a gradual process, and it did not happen overnight, but once I truly set my mind on recovery that I was actually going to pursue it and not try to thwart recovery--things began to improve for me.

I have been recovered from anorexia for 5 years now.

I still have body image issues; I'm sure I always will, but of course, with the ED, you just never feel thin enough. But at least, I'm happy for the most part, I no longer have such severe depression and low self-esteem; actually, conquering the ED gave me a huge boost of self-confidence and self-esteem because the ED is so hard to overcome. I've been off antidepressants now for over a year and a half with the exception of Xanax which I take very infrequently as needed for anxiety & panic attacks (maybe once every 2 or 3 months).

My life no longer revolves around food and the ED, and you are right, children definitely can and do pick up ED behaviors from their mothers. It's miserable to think that one of your children could be struggling with an ED as an adult, partially due to behaviors picked up from you. I was so miserable with the ED, I don't think anyone deserves to suffer that way, and particularly, if I do have kids one day, I don't think I could ever face the thought that they might learn such behavior from me.

There is life beyond the ED. You have to start replacing ED behaviors with positive, fulfilling activities like gardening, photography, journalling, scrapbooking, arts & crafts, volunteer work.

Good luck to you! You can beat this! :blob_fire :blob_fire