Hello Everyone.

Just before Christmas, my aunt (58yo) was diagnosed with Lung cancer. They told her that she had large masses on her left lung. They had to do a biopsy to see if it was infact cancer. Sure enough it was cancer, and they would have to do more tests to make sure that it has not spread, and to see how they were going to treat her. They thought that they were going to have to remove the lung, if it had not spread. Well, a few weeks later while going though more tests, they found out that the cancer had spread ( in the few short weeks ) to her lymph nodes. The last month, they found a mass on her brain. Two weeks after that, they did another MRI, and found that she has more on her brain. I can not believe how fast it has spread. She is going though chemo right now. She is very positive, and is not letting this get her down.
I have not been to see her. I have delt with many people having cancer, but for some reason, I can not get myself to see her. I love my aunt and don't want to see her like this.
What do I say to her? Sorry? If I knew what to say, then maybe I could see her. I just don't want her to feel uncomfortable, and neither do I.

I have lost many ppl in the past few years including my best friend. I know how it is when people just don't know what to say, and things are uncomfortable.
Tara

Tara, I am so sorry about your aunt.

I too am struggling with this issue.

My sister has lung cancer. I used to volunteer in the medical field and I've seen a lot of things. My brother died of cancer and I managed to get myself too see him but it was too late for talk. He was already in a coma.

My sister and I are closer than my brother and I were so maybe that has something to do with it. I don't know. All I do know is that I have to see my sister before it's too late. What to tell her? I'll start with a big hug and tell her I love her. Then we'll probably both start bawling like babies. I'll be honest with her like I always am. I'll tell her that I don't know what to say and that I wish like he!! there was something I could say or do to make things better. I'm hoping my just being there for a few days (she lives 800 miles from me) will give her some sort of happiness and give us both some closure.

I don't know the extent of her illness. She will only share the fact that it is terminal for her. I'm hoping that maybe by the time I get to see her, I'll have the strength not to cry in front of her but I doubt it. I cry every day now for her.

It is helping me to post on this board about my feelings and ask questions of those who have gone through this or are going through this now.

Now that I've read your post I know I'm not crazy, that others experience fear and uncomfortablity with this too. I hope you keep coming to this board because I think it might help us both to express our feelings about this. Maybe we can work through this together.

Love and hugs,

Barb

Hi Tara-

I'm sorry to hear about you aunt. Before I offer my smal bit of advice, allow me to preface my answer with this thought: We love certian people because they have shared themselves with us and have been a special part of our lives. When cancer enters in, we sometimes begin to "think" and "act" as if something in our relationship with that person has changed. While certian circumstances certianly have changed, our relationship need only grow.

I think we all desire to say something that might make sense of it all, or that might give comfort and hope. But most people are not expecting you or I to have the answers to all life's questions. My wife is 43, never smoked and has stage 4 nsclc. I can't make sense of that, nor will I try to. When cancer came crashing into our life, I simply made it clear to her that we were in this together and promised to never leave her side. That also means taking care of things she can no longer take care of, like 3 small children. Sometimes it means protecting her from people who may or may not mean well.

In a nutshell I am commited to beings my wife's advocate as well as her care giver. You may not be in a position to be all those things to your aunt, so be what you can be and let her know you are there for her. But never make promises you can't keep. With my wife there was alot of support early on, but many of them have faded. Conisistancy means stability, so just imagine how important that is to someone battling cancer. To have the assurance that you are there for and to not feel like a burden, is a wonderful therapy.

I hope that helps in someway. God bless you and your family.

conan

Tara- I have to agree with Barb-give her a hug and tell how much you love her.Even though she may not look good-bet she'll perk up when she sees/hears you! Bring her a scarf-my mom loved the ones we gave her. I don't know how religious you are but even to hold her hands and say a prayer asking for strength. take care, Cherie

Barb and Tara,

Don't stay away because you do not know what to say or are afraid you will breakdown and cry in front of your loved one. Who says you have to say anything? Who says you have to be strong? I think what alot of people want is some one to listen to them, so sometimes just being the ear to hear and shoulder to lean on or a hand to hold says so much more then words.

What did you talk about before the cancer?That is a good place to start as they may not be ready to talk about the cancer but just need to know they are loved and have support which your visit alone provides. Life has not stopped because they have cancer, they are still alive and appreciate hearing about your life and talking about other interests just like they did before the cancer. They are so much more then the cancer that has run their life off track.

I would follow their lead as to what they want to talk about . When Friends visitied my mom she tended to not want to discuss the cancer and when they would ask she would down play it and be more intersted in what was going on in their lives.She did not want to be the illness in the room but rather the living person. I think this allowed her to escape from the cancer if only for a few minutes. She wanted to try to live the same life she always had and not as the aunt, friend, sister with lung cancer. To be constantly reminded you have cancer by everyone that visits gets to be a drag . Listen and ask them what you can do to help then do it.

Just don't make the mistake of staying away because of fear, as you do not want to live with that regret. Trust the rest of us just being there is enough. Listen to your heart on this one and go visit.Sending lots of prayers and positive thoughts your way. If I could send you a plane ticket to get you there I would! Janmarie