bpd_bipolar
03-11-2007, 09:54 PM
Well, here I am. I have Biploar and Borderline Personlakity Disorder and my boyfriend has ADHD and Bipolar. I believe you have heard most of this before, but I have a lot of trouble and I would like some opinions on how to work through this problem I am having with trying to get through each and every day of "changing" myself for the better, well at least in his eyes. To me, I am becoming a less mean, sarcastic person and that is a good thing, but for him, I seem to be some one that he wants to mold into (and this will be an eventual process) of a better person for myself (as he says).
I work very hard to please him daily. It is very difficult to keep my emotions inside every day. He does not want me to display them out right. I am not to cry because that would be a sign that I am losing control. I am to be in control and think as he says.
So, to you I pose the questions. How does a Bipolar/BPD person hold everything inside and not explode eventually?????
I hope to hear back.
I work very hard to please him daily. It is very difficult to keep my emotions inside every day. He does not want me to display them out right. I am not to cry because that would be a sign that I am losing control. I am to be in control and think as he says.
So, to you I pose the questions. How does a Bipolar/BPD person hold everything inside and not explode eventually?????
I hope to hear back.
Sponsor
goody2shuz
03-11-2007, 10:39 PM
Hi, I am glad that you started another thread because I have wanted to respond to you but your thread seemed more as if you were journaling for your own therapeutic necessity and I am sure that others thought that as well.
I know that you really love this guy and I give you alot of credit wanting to help him and at the same time help yourself.
I think that in reading your last thread, I see alot of controlling going on in this relationship. It is not right of him to tell you that you can never be upset, mad, angry, frustrated or hurt. That is basically telling you that you have to be happy all the time and NOBODY is happy all the time.
That would be like you telling him he can never have a drink or smoke again....that bothers you....right??? Thing is, neither one of you would be loving if you are expecting the person to be the way that you want them to be. You decided to enter into a relationship Knowing that there were problems and that he was a smoker/drinker and him knowing that you had BP and BPD that would involve some sadness and problems controlling emotions at times.
I think that each of you needs to focus upon yourselves and making the changes in yourselves that you each would want to see....not because the other person has to have you that way in order to love you. You need to each be supportive of one another realizing that nobody can change another person except that person themself!! And that loving somebody is not controlling them...it is accepting them good points and bad points and supporting them through the changes that they want to see for themselves.
I am sure that you will admit that your boyfriend has a drinking problem as well as weed problem. Apparently that is not going to change and you must decide if you can live the rest of your time with him having to drink and smoke every weekend and whenever he needs to. You are not going to change that in him....he has to want to change that for himself.
You cannot hold all your feelings inside just to please your boyfriend.....it is like he is asking you not to breathe. You need to have the freedom to express yourself otherwise you are conforming to the person's needs which is so unfair for anybody to ask of another person to do.
I know that you love him and that there is alot for the two of you to deal with. It would be so much easier if he would address his issues and you address yours, and each of you offering the other praise and support along the way.
I hope that this helps out in someway.
((((HUGS))))) ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
I know that you really love this guy and I give you alot of credit wanting to help him and at the same time help yourself.
I think that in reading your last thread, I see alot of controlling going on in this relationship. It is not right of him to tell you that you can never be upset, mad, angry, frustrated or hurt. That is basically telling you that you have to be happy all the time and NOBODY is happy all the time.
That would be like you telling him he can never have a drink or smoke again....that bothers you....right??? Thing is, neither one of you would be loving if you are expecting the person to be the way that you want them to be. You decided to enter into a relationship Knowing that there were problems and that he was a smoker/drinker and him knowing that you had BP and BPD that would involve some sadness and problems controlling emotions at times.
I think that each of you needs to focus upon yourselves and making the changes in yourselves that you each would want to see....not because the other person has to have you that way in order to love you. You need to each be supportive of one another realizing that nobody can change another person except that person themself!! And that loving somebody is not controlling them...it is accepting them good points and bad points and supporting them through the changes that they want to see for themselves.
I am sure that you will admit that your boyfriend has a drinking problem as well as weed problem. Apparently that is not going to change and you must decide if you can live the rest of your time with him having to drink and smoke every weekend and whenever he needs to. You are not going to change that in him....he has to want to change that for himself.
You cannot hold all your feelings inside just to please your boyfriend.....it is like he is asking you not to breathe. You need to have the freedom to express yourself otherwise you are conforming to the person's needs which is so unfair for anybody to ask of another person to do.
I know that you love him and that there is alot for the two of you to deal with. It would be so much easier if he would address his issues and you address yours, and each of you offering the other praise and support along the way.
I hope that this helps out in someway.
((((HUGS))))) ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
bpd_bipolar
03-12-2007, 12:42 PM
Thank you for your reply. Yes, the other thread was more of a self fish thing and I apologize, but when I get upset or have any type of emotions stuck within I write, that is my therapy. I write to get things out of me so I don't explode.....lol.
Well, some times it works. I have many journals that fill up rather quickly.
I just think that if I keep writing that eventually I can write all my feelings away and then all the things that sit inside will be gone and then I won't be negative and then, well I will somehow magically be oh k.
Guess things will wrok out the way they do,, but see when I got on this site (and please anyone on here take no offense to what I am about to say), but I thought I could use this kind of as an outlet so I didn't do anything silly or stupid to myself to do any harm. This is my outlet. I kind of need it.
People give opinions when they can and I am truly appreciative.
Hopefully in the process others can learn from anything I type from my life as well.
I just don't want something else taken away from me, so I hope that I am allowed to continue writting here. whether it is looked at as I am journaling or however, this is keeping me from harming myself or just going and doing anything that might be regreted later in verbal arguments and such.
Anyhow, my bipolar is so unpredictable at times, typing is all I can do to try to even myself out. It just calms me a bit at times when I get my fingers moving on the keyboard at what seems so quick that they are going by themselves at non sensical rants......
Sorry to those that might not understand my problems. Sorry to those that might not understand my BPD and bipolar and my problems with my ADHD and bipolar boyfriend, but I am trying so hard here to keep it together and I guess I have done it once more and gone off on a tottaly different rant fromw hat a simple statement has been made to me.
I guess I am just sorry..............I know you are trying to help me.
Well, some times it works. I have many journals that fill up rather quickly.
I just think that if I keep writing that eventually I can write all my feelings away and then all the things that sit inside will be gone and then I won't be negative and then, well I will somehow magically be oh k.
Guess things will wrok out the way they do,, but see when I got on this site (and please anyone on here take no offense to what I am about to say), but I thought I could use this kind of as an outlet so I didn't do anything silly or stupid to myself to do any harm. This is my outlet. I kind of need it.
People give opinions when they can and I am truly appreciative.
Hopefully in the process others can learn from anything I type from my life as well.
I just don't want something else taken away from me, so I hope that I am allowed to continue writting here. whether it is looked at as I am journaling or however, this is keeping me from harming myself or just going and doing anything that might be regreted later in verbal arguments and such.
Anyhow, my bipolar is so unpredictable at times, typing is all I can do to try to even myself out. It just calms me a bit at times when I get my fingers moving on the keyboard at what seems so quick that they are going by themselves at non sensical rants......
Sorry to those that might not understand my problems. Sorry to those that might not understand my BPD and bipolar and my problems with my ADHD and bipolar boyfriend, but I am trying so hard here to keep it together and I guess I have done it once more and gone off on a tottaly different rant fromw hat a simple statement has been made to me.
I guess I am just sorry..............I know you are trying to help me.
goody2shuz
03-12-2007, 12:54 PM
Hey BP/BPD ~ You needn't apologize, I truly understand how therapeutic writing can be...just ask everybody around here who have to put up with my rather lengthy posts!!:D
So you keep on writing...I was just apologizing for not responding too much knowing that you needed this outlet and totally understanding it's importance to you and the benefits it serves.
I hope that my advice doesn't offend you. I guess alot of what you are experiencing I experienced with an ex fiance who was extremely controlling and took away alot of my self worth and so I reacted to that since it seemed familiar to me. I know that you are struggling with alot and that your self esteem is already low....I just don't want to see your boyfriend make it even lower. Try to focus on YOU, that is important.
I hope that you feel better soon. We are here for you....just ask if you need support and keep on writing away.;)
Love ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
So you keep on writing...I was just apologizing for not responding too much knowing that you needed this outlet and totally understanding it's importance to you and the benefits it serves.
I hope that my advice doesn't offend you. I guess alot of what you are experiencing I experienced with an ex fiance who was extremely controlling and took away alot of my self worth and so I reacted to that since it seemed familiar to me. I know that you are struggling with alot and that your self esteem is already low....I just don't want to see your boyfriend make it even lower. Try to focus on YOU, that is important.
I hope that you feel better soon. We are here for you....just ask if you need support and keep on writing away.;)
Love ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
bpd_bipolar
03-13-2007, 12:13 PM
I think it to be a little odd actually. I have even talked to my psych doc about it. When I was married I was the one who was rebellious so to speak. I wanted to do things and be my own person. Not be as responsible as I am now. So much role reversal, I mean maybe I deserve this to see what he went through. I had so much self respect and now it slips out of me, I can feel it seep away out of me. I am losing myself to try to keep this relationship. When my boyfriend and I first kissed, I had never felt anything like that. I actually felt true love. I mean it felt like the room spun and almost as if past lives flew by me. I truly believe I found my one true soulmate in this life time. Not many find that ever and I was lucky enough to. This is why I am trying so hard. This is why I am hurting so much inside and wanting to cry so long and hard. This is why................
I am just not sure what else to do. I am not sure what else can be done. I mean him nad I talk and talk. He has troubles, we all do, but as he said yesterday to me, it is hard with 2 people that have bipolar in the same relationship because you never know how you will feel that day, let alone how the other will too.
He said he knows he is very difficult to live with and he is an a**hole. I told inspite of that, I love him. I deal with that. I told him that I am doing my thinking and yes, I still react emotionally but I am still learning. You can't just throw me in the deep end and expect me to swim, give me a little time here to adjust.
He wants it NOW. I have to change, and he siad I haven't gotten him super angry at all for 4 days in a row which is a good thing.
Anyhow, I have to go for now, but Just please keep trying to help me, I can use it. I have no one else....except the doc and the doc and boyfriend have permission to talk if need be, I gave it. Pretty dumb now that It hink about it.
I am just not sure what else to do. I am not sure what else can be done. I mean him nad I talk and talk. He has troubles, we all do, but as he said yesterday to me, it is hard with 2 people that have bipolar in the same relationship because you never know how you will feel that day, let alone how the other will too.
He said he knows he is very difficult to live with and he is an a**hole. I told inspite of that, I love him. I deal with that. I told him that I am doing my thinking and yes, I still react emotionally but I am still learning. You can't just throw me in the deep end and expect me to swim, give me a little time here to adjust.
He wants it NOW. I have to change, and he siad I haven't gotten him super angry at all for 4 days in a row which is a good thing.
Anyhow, I have to go for now, but Just please keep trying to help me, I can use it. I have no one else....except the doc and the doc and boyfriend have permission to talk if need be, I gave it. Pretty dumb now that It hink about it.
marshmallow
03-13-2007, 03:52 PM
I have read many of your posts and almost all of them you are "trying" to please your boyfriend. I think you should find what makes you happy and not try to always please him. What about this soul mate thing you mention? I am confused you said when you kissed him the room spinned around I am not trying to be harsh but that does not mean love or soul mate. I guess it's passion. It really is not the thing a relationship is built on. Sometimes we are in a relationship and think how much we love the person but we are so miserable with them. What else is it about him that you love? Sometimes we mistake love for need. I just think love should make a person feel good to be with the other person and you can be yourself without always having to please them or make them happy. I think everyone has to be happy within themselves before they can be happy in a relationship. I hope this is not coming off wrong because I do not want to hurt you in any way just make you stop and think. I realize you struggle each and everyday and for that I am so sorry. I know that you are dealing with a lot on your plate. I want to be supportive so please do not take this any other way. Thank you.
goody2shuz
03-13-2007, 04:32 PM
Hi, BPD-BP ~
I had so much self respect and now it slips out of me, I can feel it seep away out of me. I am losing myself to try to keep this relationship. These are very powerful words and you really MUST read them over again. Look at them and if anybody else but you were saying them what would you have to say about the relationshi???. Then add BP and BPD to it and try to imagine how much that would affect how somebody could get better. Can somebody who needs minimal stress and already has a poor self esteem do well in a relationship like this?? These questions are important because they will tell you what value the relationship holds and if it is good for somebody trying to get better and stable with BP & BPD.
When my boyfriend and I first kissed, I had never felt anything like that. I actually felt true love. I mean it felt like the room spun and almost as if past lives flew by me. I truly believe I found my one true soulmate in this life time. Not many find that ever and I was lucky enough to. This is why I am trying so hard. This is why I am hurting so much inside and wanting to cry so long and hard. This is why................ If I were to take a guess you would have most likely completed that sentence with, "......I can't let go!!" You are doing what most people would do in an abusive relationship whether it be physical, emotional OR both. Kids who are abused remember their mommy who abuses them as the one who read bedtime stories and took them to the park. Who bought them their first ice cream cone and played hide and seek. And then the abuse comes and the child remembers the good and keeps on hoping it will come back and protects the memory of the good mommy who loved them. That is what we all do with somebody we loved....we keep alive the good times and all the good moments that made us believe in the "happily ever afters". But suddenly that changes....and as much as we see the bad in the situation day in and day out, we are hoping that the good that we first saw will return. But it doesn't and it leaves us feeling empty and void because we are still giving and the other is still taking but giving nothing back to refill our inner core, our inner being. And we feel much like you described above, everything seeping out of us and lost in the relationship. When really the only thing keeping it alive are the memories and hope that it will be as it once was but isn't anymore.
....as he said yesterday to me, it is hard with 2people that have bipolar in the same relationship because you never know how you will feel that day, let alone how the other will too. I can't even imagine how that would be....living with my daughter isn't easy and definitely takes it's toll on me almost making me feel emotionally stressed and drained. So I could only imagine how this affects you AND your boyfriend....if I would venture a guess I would have to say that it probably makes it worse than better....all the stress. And that all that you work on in therapy cannot be worth much when there is somebody else with their own set of issues to work on too.
You can't just throw me in the deep end and expect me to swim, give me a little time here to adjust. Somebody who is emotionally stable may understand this but not somebody who is not equipped to.
He wants it NOW. I have to change, and he siad I haven't gotten him super angry at all for 4 days in a row which is a good thing. And that is leaving you with inner turmoil to deal with and we know that holding things in is not good and only leads to self destructive behaviors....you have been taught to mainstream things in a healthy way and having to conform to somebody elses standards in not only unfair but unhealthy.
Anyhow, I have to go for now, but Just please keep trying to help me, I can use it. I have no one else....except the doc and the doc and boyfriend have permission to talk if need be, I gave it. Pretty dumb now that It hink about it. We are here for you and it isn't too late to have a change of heart regarding your decision to allow him to talk to your pdoc....your pdoc is your lifeline to hold onto and your security to stability. You may wish to rethink that.
Sending you some (((HUGS))) ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
I had so much self respect and now it slips out of me, I can feel it seep away out of me. I am losing myself to try to keep this relationship. These are very powerful words and you really MUST read them over again. Look at them and if anybody else but you were saying them what would you have to say about the relationshi???. Then add BP and BPD to it and try to imagine how much that would affect how somebody could get better. Can somebody who needs minimal stress and already has a poor self esteem do well in a relationship like this?? These questions are important because they will tell you what value the relationship holds and if it is good for somebody trying to get better and stable with BP & BPD.
When my boyfriend and I first kissed, I had never felt anything like that. I actually felt true love. I mean it felt like the room spun and almost as if past lives flew by me. I truly believe I found my one true soulmate in this life time. Not many find that ever and I was lucky enough to. This is why I am trying so hard. This is why I am hurting so much inside and wanting to cry so long and hard. This is why................ If I were to take a guess you would have most likely completed that sentence with, "......I can't let go!!" You are doing what most people would do in an abusive relationship whether it be physical, emotional OR both. Kids who are abused remember their mommy who abuses them as the one who read bedtime stories and took them to the park. Who bought them their first ice cream cone and played hide and seek. And then the abuse comes and the child remembers the good and keeps on hoping it will come back and protects the memory of the good mommy who loved them. That is what we all do with somebody we loved....we keep alive the good times and all the good moments that made us believe in the "happily ever afters". But suddenly that changes....and as much as we see the bad in the situation day in and day out, we are hoping that the good that we first saw will return. But it doesn't and it leaves us feeling empty and void because we are still giving and the other is still taking but giving nothing back to refill our inner core, our inner being. And we feel much like you described above, everything seeping out of us and lost in the relationship. When really the only thing keeping it alive are the memories and hope that it will be as it once was but isn't anymore.
....as he said yesterday to me, it is hard with 2people that have bipolar in the same relationship because you never know how you will feel that day, let alone how the other will too. I can't even imagine how that would be....living with my daughter isn't easy and definitely takes it's toll on me almost making me feel emotionally stressed and drained. So I could only imagine how this affects you AND your boyfriend....if I would venture a guess I would have to say that it probably makes it worse than better....all the stress. And that all that you work on in therapy cannot be worth much when there is somebody else with their own set of issues to work on too.
You can't just throw me in the deep end and expect me to swim, give me a little time here to adjust. Somebody who is emotionally stable may understand this but not somebody who is not equipped to.
He wants it NOW. I have to change, and he siad I haven't gotten him super angry at all for 4 days in a row which is a good thing. And that is leaving you with inner turmoil to deal with and we know that holding things in is not good and only leads to self destructive behaviors....you have been taught to mainstream things in a healthy way and having to conform to somebody elses standards in not only unfair but unhealthy.
Anyhow, I have to go for now, but Just please keep trying to help me, I can use it. I have no one else....except the doc and the doc and boyfriend have permission to talk if need be, I gave it. Pretty dumb now that It hink about it. We are here for you and it isn't too late to have a change of heart regarding your decision to allow him to talk to your pdoc....your pdoc is your lifeline to hold onto and your security to stability. You may wish to rethink that.
Sending you some (((HUGS))) ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
bpd_bipolar
03-14-2007, 11:52 AM
To both of you above..........
Thank you for your words. I do not take offense to anything that has been said.
Goody, as you broke the quotes down tears fell from my eyes. As I read each thing seperate and I took everything in with each seperate thing, I understood it more and more.
I just fought for so long after my marriage ended that I wasn't going to 'fall in love'. It took a while for me to tell my boyfriend that I was in love with him. heck, it took him a while for him to tell me that he could trust me and love me because of all the hurt and broken trust that women had done to him.
I felt special because I was trusted. I was loved. I am still trusted and still loved. I know this.
Maybe this is just sounding worse than it is. Maybe this is the bipolar/BPd of grandureness here. I mean maybe I deserve all of this.
I could be looking not from any perspective but my own (sorry, that is an obvious one), of course, that is what I am doing, I just seeing my side of it. I am not seeing the whole picture. So, maybe this is 1/2 my fault here. Oh k. So if I fix my half, then..... then what? Then I do not know. What will happen if I work hard on my half of the problem here? Does my half get better and the other half stay broke? or is the other half not broke, is it in my mind? no, it isn't, ...maybe it is?? See, confusion...that is a problem here for me.
Oh k, so my 1/2 is broken, I am responsible for 1/2. I take full responsiblity for this. I can look at it this way.
Then there is the other 1/2. Not my half.
Maybe my doc is just right. I mean he sees it. Heck, he has been seeing me since '99. He said that no matter what I will find something wrong with the most perfect thing. I am just not happy.
I don't even think I deserve to use the word.
Thank you for your words. I do not take offense to anything that has been said.
Goody, as you broke the quotes down tears fell from my eyes. As I read each thing seperate and I took everything in with each seperate thing, I understood it more and more.
I just fought for so long after my marriage ended that I wasn't going to 'fall in love'. It took a while for me to tell my boyfriend that I was in love with him. heck, it took him a while for him to tell me that he could trust me and love me because of all the hurt and broken trust that women had done to him.
I felt special because I was trusted. I was loved. I am still trusted and still loved. I know this.
Maybe this is just sounding worse than it is. Maybe this is the bipolar/BPd of grandureness here. I mean maybe I deserve all of this.
I could be looking not from any perspective but my own (sorry, that is an obvious one), of course, that is what I am doing, I just seeing my side of it. I am not seeing the whole picture. So, maybe this is 1/2 my fault here. Oh k. So if I fix my half, then..... then what? Then I do not know. What will happen if I work hard on my half of the problem here? Does my half get better and the other half stay broke? or is the other half not broke, is it in my mind? no, it isn't, ...maybe it is?? See, confusion...that is a problem here for me.
Oh k, so my 1/2 is broken, I am responsible for 1/2. I take full responsiblity for this. I can look at it this way.
Then there is the other 1/2. Not my half.
Maybe my doc is just right. I mean he sees it. Heck, he has been seeing me since '99. He said that no matter what I will find something wrong with the most perfect thing. I am just not happy.
I don't even think I deserve to use the word.
goody2shuz
03-14-2007, 12:06 PM
BP-BPD ~ I understand what you are saying and you know what....I am not in your 2 shoes and honestly couldn't even imagine let alone know what it is like. But I have felt the emptiness and void when somebody takes away your self worth and self esteem after going through an emotionally abusive relationship...and alot of what you described was how I was feeling at the very worst of it. And NOBODY deserves to EVER feel that way.
I just wanted to explain where I was coming from.
You are such a beautiful person who I see really wants to work on getting better. I say focus on that and do what YOU see needs fixng along with your doctor....don't do it for your boyfriend, do it for you.
I will give you an example. My cousin was in a bad marriage....where all she wanted to do is raise her kids and be home with them. She took various jobs to help out but it never was enough. Her husband constantly told her that other women worked and she should too. Eventually she went out to work and met other people who showed her respect and how special she was. Her self worth grew and she lost alot of weight (which her hubby always told her she had to do). She did it for her and as she did her self worth increased and she felt better. OTher men from where she worked told her husband how wonderful a person she was and how lucky he was to have her. He then started to realize that for himself but it was too late....the damage had been done. Emotionally he had severed all the bonds of their marriage by the way he had treated my cousin and she just couldn't go back...there was too much pain. She told me that she had emotionally divorced him years ago and she couldn't fix the damage without losing herself again. She said that it was when she started doing things for herself that things got better.
I think you are right...you need to fix your half and then when that is done reevaluate things for yourself. When your self worth is restored you will be strong enough to make any decisions that need to be made in order to maintain it.
You may be right...the BP/BPD mays be distorting things, who really knows. But in time you will know.
So go work on you for YOU and nobody else and see where that brings you. I don't doubt that you really love your boyfriend....but do you love yourself???? That is where I see the work must be done. And I have every faith in you that you will do it!!;)
(((HUGS))) ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
I just wanted to explain where I was coming from.
You are such a beautiful person who I see really wants to work on getting better. I say focus on that and do what YOU see needs fixng along with your doctor....don't do it for your boyfriend, do it for you.
I will give you an example. My cousin was in a bad marriage....where all she wanted to do is raise her kids and be home with them. She took various jobs to help out but it never was enough. Her husband constantly told her that other women worked and she should too. Eventually she went out to work and met other people who showed her respect and how special she was. Her self worth grew and she lost alot of weight (which her hubby always told her she had to do). She did it for her and as she did her self worth increased and she felt better. OTher men from where she worked told her husband how wonderful a person she was and how lucky he was to have her. He then started to realize that for himself but it was too late....the damage had been done. Emotionally he had severed all the bonds of their marriage by the way he had treated my cousin and she just couldn't go back...there was too much pain. She told me that she had emotionally divorced him years ago and she couldn't fix the damage without losing herself again. She said that it was when she started doing things for herself that things got better.
I think you are right...you need to fix your half and then when that is done reevaluate things for yourself. When your self worth is restored you will be strong enough to make any decisions that need to be made in order to maintain it.
You may be right...the BP/BPD mays be distorting things, who really knows. But in time you will know.
So go work on you for YOU and nobody else and see where that brings you. I don't doubt that you really love your boyfriend....but do you love yourself???? That is where I see the work must be done. And I have every faith in you that you will do it!!;)
(((HUGS))) ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
marshmallow
03-14-2007, 09:53 PM
When I saw you all alone in the other thread I asked if you wanted input and you said yes. I am going to let Goody do it she is much better at works than I am but I wish you well. Thanks.
goody2shuz
03-14-2007, 11:50 PM
No, no, no....Marshmallow...don't you go putting me on a pedestal here!!:nono: You have alot to offer here too....I know you do because I have read your posts and they really are so wonderfully supportive. I think that BP/BPD needs all the input/support that she can get and you have lots to offer in term of compassion and support. So don't you go anywhere...okay???
I hope that today was a little bit better for you BP/BPD.:angel:
(((HUGS))) ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
I hope that today was a little bit better for you BP/BPD.:angel:
(((HUGS))) ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
bpd_bipolar
03-15-2007, 12:05 PM
Marshmellow, Goody....you are the 2 constant ones that have responded to me and have given me parts of your wisdom, please do not take them from me.
I appreciate everything you both have to offer.
I apologize if I have ever seemed ungrateful at all. Marshmellow, please do stay and please do continue to speak with me. I can use all the support I can get from you and everyone. It is greatly appreciated. So I do say thank you to you now and for future posts that shall occur.
As for yesterday, well it was a difficult day/night, but we helped one another get through it. I hope that I was of great help to him. I did the best I could for him. It was the 2 year anniversary of the night his best friend commited suicide. We were across the street from him at the bar, he was having a drink and I had a gut feeling we should of gone across the street to see the guy, to say hello, but I shoved it down and my boyfriend drank, I figured we would see the guy the next day. The next day never came. I feel bad that I neevr spoke up and said we need to go and go now. But how was I supposed to know. I am just not going to ignore my gut feelings anymore that is all. This is the third time I have total and the third time was when I would of won $500. LOL. Guess I have learned....I should of after the death.
I am just trying and I know that he is trying and with us both trying, that is a good step in the right direction. We love one another and that is a good thing.
Oh k, so yes, I might be stretching things on my end, but then again he is on his end too. Of course we are both biased, I mean we are ourselves.
So......as I have babbled and gone from one end to the other it seems......the point I am trying to make is that we are here for one another and I think that if I work on not being mean and work on not being sarcastic, he eventually works on excepting who I end up being in the end of it all after that mean and non sarcastic person is, then that will be that. BUT if he thinks that there will be him trying to mold me into things going on, then well, there might be a problem. I will figure that one out when it comes to that though.
Oh k, talked your ears off enough for now.
Sorry to dump this all on you.
Again, please, both of you stay, I can use all the input I can get.
I appreciate everything you both have to offer.
I apologize if I have ever seemed ungrateful at all. Marshmellow, please do stay and please do continue to speak with me. I can use all the support I can get from you and everyone. It is greatly appreciated. So I do say thank you to you now and for future posts that shall occur.
As for yesterday, well it was a difficult day/night, but we helped one another get through it. I hope that I was of great help to him. I did the best I could for him. It was the 2 year anniversary of the night his best friend commited suicide. We were across the street from him at the bar, he was having a drink and I had a gut feeling we should of gone across the street to see the guy, to say hello, but I shoved it down and my boyfriend drank, I figured we would see the guy the next day. The next day never came. I feel bad that I neevr spoke up and said we need to go and go now. But how was I supposed to know. I am just not going to ignore my gut feelings anymore that is all. This is the third time I have total and the third time was when I would of won $500. LOL. Guess I have learned....I should of after the death.
I am just trying and I know that he is trying and with us both trying, that is a good step in the right direction. We love one another and that is a good thing.
Oh k, so yes, I might be stretching things on my end, but then again he is on his end too. Of course we are both biased, I mean we are ourselves.
So......as I have babbled and gone from one end to the other it seems......the point I am trying to make is that we are here for one another and I think that if I work on not being mean and work on not being sarcastic, he eventually works on excepting who I end up being in the end of it all after that mean and non sarcastic person is, then that will be that. BUT if he thinks that there will be him trying to mold me into things going on, then well, there might be a problem. I will figure that one out when it comes to that though.
Oh k, talked your ears off enough for now.
Sorry to dump this all on you.
Again, please, both of you stay, I can use all the input I can get.
marshmallow
03-15-2007, 04:37 PM
Bpd bipolar, you have never been ungrateful to any post. The reason I said that is because I think Goody has the right words for everyone. I really mean that and I am so afraid of hurting someone with what I might say. I know my husband always said that my words hurt him and I would be standing there shaking my head wondering what I said to hurt him. He always reacted with anger and rage so that has made me want to be extra careful. I do hope your feeling better today. I know it has to be hard dealing with so many emotions and differences in both of you. I hope it gets better with each day.
bpd_bipolar
03-15-2007, 06:51 PM
Marshmallow, please understand that when I told that I am mean and sarcastic. This is what sparked the whole 'you think about everything, you have been told by me a million times over and you still haven't listened, so I am not telling you anything, you just think from now on before you speak'......whole thing that my boyfriend has told me and I am going through.
You have not been mean or perhaps I just do not take the things that you guys on here advise me in a wrong way. See, I take things you guys advise me as an open minded person as I believe that we all have our life experiences and if each of us have lived different things.......then the conclusion to me is that we all can share our seperate experiences with one another and hope to help each other out.
So, I do not take what you say as you being mean or angry, I hope you continue to speak with me and advise. If I have a question about something you write, I shall ask. As you can see, I am pretty open here.
:)
Oh k, so as of right now, I am oh k, I think. I had laid down earlier and wanted to take a nap. I was in bed for 2 1/2 hours and got (when my boyfriend laid down with me) a cat nap in about 10 minutes for about 1/2 hour time.......I am just so exhausted. body and mind. Now his friend is over. I have to be out of bed and awake because they would just keep me up anyhow because of the noise. The talking. I just want some silence. All I want is some silence.
Boyfriend and me, together in bed. sleeping, holding one another...no time limits, no back pain, no pain of any type, just laying and relaxed. no time limits. No phone, no doorbell, nothing but us. I just don't see it ever.
Tomorrow is Friday. The day...well night I dread. Where his friend comes over and we go to the bar. His friend comes over and stays the weekend. Goes home sunday. Then his other friend will probably stay over saturday evening into night and I will have to contend with then both. At least I know I can get the bed time at midnight on Saturday because the one guy has to wake at 5:15a on Sun. to work. But still. I just don't want people here.
Am I self fish? I am working hard on being this un-sarcastic person and un-mean, I have a lot of trouble with one of his friends, the one that comes over friday and stays the whole weekend. he is the one (26 year old) that I have talked prior about. we just annoy each other and I have trouble being nice some times, but I have no choice. I have to be because of this whole new thing I am doing. Last week. I was told I did oh k over the weekend, like I got my progress report like a kid.
Ugh (I say ugh in place of a few words...lol).
Oh k, sorry to talk your ear off, but this is what I do......I write to get it out. Saves me from doing things that are unsafe to myself.
You have not been mean or perhaps I just do not take the things that you guys on here advise me in a wrong way. See, I take things you guys advise me as an open minded person as I believe that we all have our life experiences and if each of us have lived different things.......then the conclusion to me is that we all can share our seperate experiences with one another and hope to help each other out.
So, I do not take what you say as you being mean or angry, I hope you continue to speak with me and advise. If I have a question about something you write, I shall ask. As you can see, I am pretty open here.
:)
Oh k, so as of right now, I am oh k, I think. I had laid down earlier and wanted to take a nap. I was in bed for 2 1/2 hours and got (when my boyfriend laid down with me) a cat nap in about 10 minutes for about 1/2 hour time.......I am just so exhausted. body and mind. Now his friend is over. I have to be out of bed and awake because they would just keep me up anyhow because of the noise. The talking. I just want some silence. All I want is some silence.
Boyfriend and me, together in bed. sleeping, holding one another...no time limits, no back pain, no pain of any type, just laying and relaxed. no time limits. No phone, no doorbell, nothing but us. I just don't see it ever.
Tomorrow is Friday. The day...well night I dread. Where his friend comes over and we go to the bar. His friend comes over and stays the weekend. Goes home sunday. Then his other friend will probably stay over saturday evening into night and I will have to contend with then both. At least I know I can get the bed time at midnight on Saturday because the one guy has to wake at 5:15a on Sun. to work. But still. I just don't want people here.
Am I self fish? I am working hard on being this un-sarcastic person and un-mean, I have a lot of trouble with one of his friends, the one that comes over friday and stays the whole weekend. he is the one (26 year old) that I have talked prior about. we just annoy each other and I have trouble being nice some times, but I have no choice. I have to be because of this whole new thing I am doing. Last week. I was told I did oh k over the weekend, like I got my progress report like a kid.
Ugh (I say ugh in place of a few words...lol).
Oh k, sorry to talk your ear off, but this is what I do......I write to get it out. Saves me from doing things that are unsafe to myself.
nataliejo
03-15-2007, 08:02 PM
Hey you,
I am new, but I totally understand what you are going through.
My bf wants me to be a certain way and if I am not, than he will dump me.
BUT I am rebelling. I am doing what I want to do, with compromise and he is still here after three years. I realized this year, through much prodding of therapists and friends and family, that I need to take care of me, before I can love another, I need to love myself in order to survive and people have to accept me for me. I need to better myself for my own selfish needs, but also in the hopes our relationship will get better.
BUT he has his faults and I point that out to him, so he may work on his own things and to show him that not only do I have things going on with me, but he tooooo has to delve into his own baggage or selfishness and stop judging me.
My self esteem is slowly coming back, I excersize everyday...and I have bought a couple shirt and nickers in the past week... but I am not top shape, but I am doing so much better since I have started thinking of myself and not what he exactly wants ...
If one only trys to be like the other wants than the relationship wont survive, because he will never be satiated. If you become who you want to be and compromise with him, and let him know you want changes in him toooo, maybe there can be a compromise reached and the relationship will blossom...
How long have you been together?
It was a real battle with Alex and I ..he always put me down and I blame myself for letting him do this to me and I blame him for not taking responsiblity ... but I have shot back at him his qualities I dont like and now he is accepting me ..sometimes it takes the ball in your court feel to get back your inner strength and yourself and your self esteem...
Do for you ... do for him a little ...but you live in your mind .. in your body ... you dont want to have low self esteem and I think you know why ...
so good luck in getting through this tough time ...
You may not know what to do ...but simple things ... like taking a walk ... taking a bubble bath ... bettering yourself for you ...can bring so much more to your life and I mean your life and can actually brighten up the relationship ...
listen when he says your bipolar is acting up ...because thats a good indication you need to focus on yourself and need to work on your episode and trying not to go through an episode ... but this is for you ...not for him ...because if he is the central theme to everything in your life ...than you are in danger of losing yourself ..
good luck hun
always
nataliejo
I am new, but I totally understand what you are going through.
My bf wants me to be a certain way and if I am not, than he will dump me.
BUT I am rebelling. I am doing what I want to do, with compromise and he is still here after three years. I realized this year, through much prodding of therapists and friends and family, that I need to take care of me, before I can love another, I need to love myself in order to survive and people have to accept me for me. I need to better myself for my own selfish needs, but also in the hopes our relationship will get better.
BUT he has his faults and I point that out to him, so he may work on his own things and to show him that not only do I have things going on with me, but he tooooo has to delve into his own baggage or selfishness and stop judging me.
My self esteem is slowly coming back, I excersize everyday...and I have bought a couple shirt and nickers in the past week... but I am not top shape, but I am doing so much better since I have started thinking of myself and not what he exactly wants ...
If one only trys to be like the other wants than the relationship wont survive, because he will never be satiated. If you become who you want to be and compromise with him, and let him know you want changes in him toooo, maybe there can be a compromise reached and the relationship will blossom...
How long have you been together?
It was a real battle with Alex and I ..he always put me down and I blame myself for letting him do this to me and I blame him for not taking responsiblity ... but I have shot back at him his qualities I dont like and now he is accepting me ..sometimes it takes the ball in your court feel to get back your inner strength and yourself and your self esteem...
Do for you ... do for him a little ...but you live in your mind .. in your body ... you dont want to have low self esteem and I think you know why ...
so good luck in getting through this tough time ...
You may not know what to do ...but simple things ... like taking a walk ... taking a bubble bath ... bettering yourself for you ...can bring so much more to your life and I mean your life and can actually brighten up the relationship ...
listen when he says your bipolar is acting up ...because thats a good indication you need to focus on yourself and need to work on your episode and trying not to go through an episode ... but this is for you ...not for him ...because if he is the central theme to everything in your life ...than you are in danger of losing yourself ..
good luck hun
always
nataliejo
marshmallow
03-15-2007, 09:04 PM
bpd bipolar you seem to be working on yourself so much and I commend you on that but do it for yourself and it will be icing on the cake for you bf. The important thing is to be happy with yourself and don't live for another person. Believe me when I say I have been there and you end up depleted and unhappy. But as I said anything any of us can do to better ourselves benefits others too. I admire you wanting to change the things you find unpleasing to you. Keep up the writing and I understand it to be therapy for you. I hope you have a good weekend and can get along with the guy you mentioned.
YOU saidthe following:
Boyfriend and me, together in bed. sleeping, holding one another...no time limits, no back pain, no pain of any type, just laying and relaxed. no time limits. No phone, no doorbell, nothing but us. I just don't see it ever.
I can totally understand your wanting to be alone with your boyfriend and share special time without others around. I hope you get it.
Marsh......
YOU saidthe following:
Boyfriend and me, together in bed. sleeping, holding one another...no time limits, no back pain, no pain of any type, just laying and relaxed. no time limits. No phone, no doorbell, nothing but us. I just don't see it ever.
I can totally understand your wanting to be alone with your boyfriend and share special time without others around. I hope you get it.
Marsh......
bpd_bipolar
03-16-2007, 12:20 PM
I thank everyone for typing to me. I gather I say that a lot, but I mean it.
I stood up for myself.....it felt pretty good, see, I gather I ened to explain some things here to you guys, I don't think I am giving the whole picture and that may be a bad thing in the end of it all. Here we go.
My boyfriend wants me to be happy and do things for me. He wants me to make friends and he knows it is hard for me to trust people because a long time ago a best friend of almost 20 years slept with my boyfriend in my home while I was out working to pay our bills. It happened in my house not sure if it was in my bed or not. This is why I do not have trust for people. I do not trust at all actually. I mean I try really hard to with my boyfriend and he has
never given me a reason not to, so therefore, I guess I trust him, but that is scetchy in itself.
Oh k, now you know some things were in the last big thing on here. So, That is hard for me, I mean really difficult for me big time, so I only have one friend, and I can't even say I trust her, but she hasn't given me a reason not to trust her and I have known her for about 6 years or something like that. Still, I can not be sure of anything. I thought I could trust a best friend of 20 years.
I really got things messed up for me. So, even though my boyfriend wants me to make friends, it isn't as easy as that for me.
I'll leave it there for now. We can discuss that one and move on from there later.
I stood up for myself.....it felt pretty good, see, I gather I ened to explain some things here to you guys, I don't think I am giving the whole picture and that may be a bad thing in the end of it all. Here we go.
My boyfriend wants me to be happy and do things for me. He wants me to make friends and he knows it is hard for me to trust people because a long time ago a best friend of almost 20 years slept with my boyfriend in my home while I was out working to pay our bills. It happened in my house not sure if it was in my bed or not. This is why I do not have trust for people. I do not trust at all actually. I mean I try really hard to with my boyfriend and he has
never given me a reason not to, so therefore, I guess I trust him, but that is scetchy in itself.
Oh k, now you know some things were in the last big thing on here. So, That is hard for me, I mean really difficult for me big time, so I only have one friend, and I can't even say I trust her, but she hasn't given me a reason not to trust her and I have known her for about 6 years or something like that. Still, I can not be sure of anything. I thought I could trust a best friend of 20 years.
I really got things messed up for me. So, even though my boyfriend wants me to make friends, it isn't as easy as that for me.
I'll leave it there for now. We can discuss that one and move on from there later.
goody2shuz
03-16-2007, 02:39 PM
BP/BPD ~ It is quite common for us to lose trust after somebody betrays our trust. However, it is wrong to judge somebody else based upon another person's faults. So, not trusting somebody who has never really given you reason to distrust is somewhat unfair. But we all do this and must learn to trust others knowing that they are not necessarily carrying the same flaws as somebody else did in our past. It is human nature to be a little apprehensive of others after being hurt in such a way. Like a child or animal who has been abused and knows nothing else...it takes time to rebuild that trust that they once had.
Anyway...you also shared with us here how this new friend use to be your current boyfriend's girlfriend. I don't know if that is such a good idea to become friends with her when there are already problems going on in your relationship as it is. For me, personally, I would much rather find a different friend....it just seems like another potential problem....your boyfriend already has people that you don't particularly care for coming and staying with you. I just think that you should possibly go about meeting a friend who has no past ties to your boyfriend...just my opinion.
Marshmallow gave you some wonderful advice too....it is good that you are working on yourself. You sound really motivated to do so....just do so for yourself and NOBODY else.
Well I just wanted to say hello and tell you to keep up the good job!!
((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
Anyway...you also shared with us here how this new friend use to be your current boyfriend's girlfriend. I don't know if that is such a good idea to become friends with her when there are already problems going on in your relationship as it is. For me, personally, I would much rather find a different friend....it just seems like another potential problem....your boyfriend already has people that you don't particularly care for coming and staying with you. I just think that you should possibly go about meeting a friend who has no past ties to your boyfriend...just my opinion.
Marshmallow gave you some wonderful advice too....it is good that you are working on yourself. You sound really motivated to do so....just do so for yourself and NOBODY else.
Well I just wanted to say hello and tell you to keep up the good job!!
((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
bpd_bipolar
03-17-2007, 12:00 PM
last night I was about to explode and just about throw those two guys out of here literally. they tested me pretty badly and my boyfriend knew it. he felt how bad it was and i was at my breaking point rather quickly towards 11 something at night, only about 5 1/2 hours after they both were here.
the 2 left to go to the bar and we were here for all of 5 minutes before he wanted to follow to the bar to drink more.......ahh, the following and getting drunk more thing, just neevr ceases to amaze me....like a child. if no one was here, we would of staid inside. he even said he didn't want to go to the bar, but NO. UGH.
Anyhow, today is calmer. but how long will that last for. the 25 gets back from work at 3.
then I have to deal with them both again.
I am not sure how long I can hang in there. I hope this justs go quick.
make it go away. all away. make them both go away.
help..........oh yeah, happy irish day people. me, well for me, I am just going to hope that others leave me alone and I can hide.
the 2 left to go to the bar and we were here for all of 5 minutes before he wanted to follow to the bar to drink more.......ahh, the following and getting drunk more thing, just neevr ceases to amaze me....like a child. if no one was here, we would of staid inside. he even said he didn't want to go to the bar, but NO. UGH.
Anyhow, today is calmer. but how long will that last for. the 25 gets back from work at 3.
then I have to deal with them both again.
I am not sure how long I can hang in there. I hope this justs go quick.
make it go away. all away. make them both go away.
help..........oh yeah, happy irish day people. me, well for me, I am just going to hope that others leave me alone and I can hide.
bpd_bipolar
03-18-2007, 11:51 AM
Well, yesterday....the day was oh k actually, it was the evening into the night that the guys drank and it began to be horrid for me. oh k, not horrid, but I became the old, sarcastic me.
I couldn't take it anymore. being nice to people who were acting like idiots to me. I broke. So I tried to keep my mouth shut as best as I could most of the time and it worked pretty well, but when I talked a bit at certain times, some sarcasm came out and I couldn't help it. I was sick of hearing the drunken mouths of these guys.
the 25 passed out early (10:15p. he had to wake at 5a for work) oh k, but the 26 that doesn't get along me with sometimes and my love that follows him like a puppy because the guy gives him a beer and says here boy.......
So, my love is drinking and not stopping. great, so now two nights of drunken idiots. yay me. I deal. Yay.
Oh k, so I manage some how to get my love to bed at 1:20a. Not sure how. Make sure he feels oh k after he lays down. then he acts different. This is a good thng (I have hypersexuality with my bipolar, so I am just glad when he actually wants to touch me, but he is drunk and the smell is bugging me, but I am not turning him away because this isn't an everyday thing. anyhow, so you are getting the picture here).
We end up going to sleep at 2 something.
I wake at 9:55a. He wakes at 9:55a. 25yr old is at work (I heard him get up and leave and all. I had got up for a moment too). 26 yr old is up too.
guys are in other room, me, in here typing, then I will take shower, wash hair and then go in livingroom and wait for the clock to move real quick so everyone can get the heck out of my house.
I put up with a lot this weekend. I do not want this crap. I do not deserve to have to put up with it. I make sure the bills get paid and 99% of my money pays these bills.
I am so self confident right now..............to bad teh computer can't translate to telling him that, huh.
I couldn't take it anymore. being nice to people who were acting like idiots to me. I broke. So I tried to keep my mouth shut as best as I could most of the time and it worked pretty well, but when I talked a bit at certain times, some sarcasm came out and I couldn't help it. I was sick of hearing the drunken mouths of these guys.
the 25 passed out early (10:15p. he had to wake at 5a for work) oh k, but the 26 that doesn't get along me with sometimes and my love that follows him like a puppy because the guy gives him a beer and says here boy.......
So, my love is drinking and not stopping. great, so now two nights of drunken idiots. yay me. I deal. Yay.
Oh k, so I manage some how to get my love to bed at 1:20a. Not sure how. Make sure he feels oh k after he lays down. then he acts different. This is a good thng (I have hypersexuality with my bipolar, so I am just glad when he actually wants to touch me, but he is drunk and the smell is bugging me, but I am not turning him away because this isn't an everyday thing. anyhow, so you are getting the picture here).
We end up going to sleep at 2 something.
I wake at 9:55a. He wakes at 9:55a. 25yr old is at work (I heard him get up and leave and all. I had got up for a moment too). 26 yr old is up too.
guys are in other room, me, in here typing, then I will take shower, wash hair and then go in livingroom and wait for the clock to move real quick so everyone can get the heck out of my house.
I put up with a lot this weekend. I do not want this crap. I do not deserve to have to put up with it. I make sure the bills get paid and 99% of my money pays these bills.
I am so self confident right now..............to bad teh computer can't translate to telling him that, huh.
nataliejo
03-18-2007, 06:36 PM
Your bf and his friends sound like they have no common courtesy and they sound like complete drunks ..
I hope you find your way
and its good you are growing confidance ...
I wish you all the best
I know I am new ...but I have been through a similar thing ..
always
natalie jo
I hope you find your way
and its good you are growing confidance ...
I wish you all the best
I know I am new ...but I have been through a similar thing ..
always
natalie jo
bpd_bipolar
03-19-2007, 09:58 AM
Well, yesterday at 4:25p everyone finally left, it was the nicest thing. peace and quiet. him and I laid down and it was so nice. the time I wanted. just us holding one another.
I got through it. It was real tough and it wasn't working real well, but he made up for stuff when we went to bed at 1:20 something in the morning of ST. Pat's day whatever and then after all the guys left Sunday things were fine for us.
As long as we are alone, we are going to be oh k. They need to stay just, be away from us with this over night crap. I don't like this stuff with these 25/26 ones staying here over night and he knows that and they are the ones who bring the beer. I don't give him money for beer. therefore he buys none and has none. Friday we go to the bar if he feels like it. that is all. if no one is around, then we don't go.
simple, but this damn kid thing around him, they are the ones he follows and it bugs the heck out of me.
he is 32 going on 33.
UGH.
oh k, we will see how today is. I have to go change the laundry to the dryer at the laundry mat.
I got through it. It was real tough and it wasn't working real well, but he made up for stuff when we went to bed at 1:20 something in the morning of ST. Pat's day whatever and then after all the guys left Sunday things were fine for us.
As long as we are alone, we are going to be oh k. They need to stay just, be away from us with this over night crap. I don't like this stuff with these 25/26 ones staying here over night and he knows that and they are the ones who bring the beer. I don't give him money for beer. therefore he buys none and has none. Friday we go to the bar if he feels like it. that is all. if no one is around, then we don't go.
simple, but this damn kid thing around him, they are the ones he follows and it bugs the heck out of me.
he is 32 going on 33.
UGH.
oh k, we will see how today is. I have to go change the laundry to the dryer at the laundry mat.
marshmallow
03-19-2007, 11:40 AM
I keep wondering what you are getting out of this relationship? It sounds like your frustrated most of the time with him and his friends. Do you ever go places that are fun for both of you and not the bars? I think you should make a list of what you love about the relationship and what you dislike and see how it tallies up. Give the relationship a good look at and see if this is something you want in 5 yr, 10 yrs and so on.
ErylFlynn
03-19-2007, 11:54 AM
From my experience being in a relationship with some one dealing with bipolar, I have some suggestions. I assume you love him and want the best.
I think you need to consider some space and a bit of seperation. It will help you get some perspective, and decide what you want. It will also help you get things straight with your boyfriend if that is what you want. This disorder hurts the people around you also, and in your case his disorder is hurting you. Some space will help you heal.
I think you need to consider some space and a bit of seperation. It will help you get some perspective, and decide what you want. It will also help you get things straight with your boyfriend if that is what you want. This disorder hurts the people around you also, and in your case his disorder is hurting you. Some space will help you heal.
bpd_bipolar
03-20-2007, 10:21 AM
I thank you all, per usual, but I want to take a moment to thank the male that responded, I haven't had a male respond before and it was kind of him to. I believe that it helps out when a guy gives an opinion because it is from a point of view I just don't have and no one else does that we all have been talking from (no offense ladies).
Oh k, well I go see my doc here in a few minutes, so this will be short, but to sum things up, yesterday no one came over, things were fine. I was a little manic from doing laundry in the morning. Other than that, I calmed and was pretty well oh k.
I just think if the influence (of which I don't think a 32 year going on 33 should really let a younger person have on them) wasn't there then things would be oh k.
Also, the other ones, well they might be getting an apt. today, so that would mean they do not sleep here anymore and that would be my problem gone.
I will re-post after I talk with the doc today or I will post tomorrow. I will think about the advice though, maybe it is a good thought here and I kind of have thought about it, but there is really no where to go.
Oh k, well I go see my doc here in a few minutes, so this will be short, but to sum things up, yesterday no one came over, things were fine. I was a little manic from doing laundry in the morning. Other than that, I calmed and was pretty well oh k.
I just think if the influence (of which I don't think a 32 year going on 33 should really let a younger person have on them) wasn't there then things would be oh k.
Also, the other ones, well they might be getting an apt. today, so that would mean they do not sleep here anymore and that would be my problem gone.
I will re-post after I talk with the doc today or I will post tomorrow. I will think about the advice though, maybe it is a good thought here and I kind of have thought about it, but there is really no where to go.
ErylFlynn
03-21-2007, 12:10 AM
You don't seem to have any control over who he has over, and that worries me since you need the peace it seems. If your environment is not good for you and your health, wouldn't it be a good idea to do some thing to change it? It seems your boyfriend is in a rut and is unwilling to get out and make life better for himself and you. I will check see how things are going tomorrow night, turns out this site is now blocked at work so I can only hit it after work and Kung Fu.
bpd_bipolar
03-21-2007, 11:31 AM
I vented to the doc. I pretty much let out all of everything that I could to the doc. Poor Dr. diddn't have much of a chance to say anything back to me, kind of funny...
Anyhow, well, I did stnad up mroe for myself, see there used to be a much longer thread on this site by me. they had to close it because it got to long, guess it was slowing downt hings, I can understand. But it would of let you guys know so much more, more day to day stuff so you were not coming in so "fresh" so to speak on things now. you would know more about the past, but goody remembers, goody has read a lot of the past hundreds of posts.
NO OFFENSE to anyone out there at all. Just I know for myself the more info. I have, the more it helps me give out advice to others, but anyhow, so I just stood up for myself. I used to you know. I had self respect as the doc calls it. I use skills. Umm, quick explain:
Doc ran a group and I used to go, then we would study a woman's teaching's (I still do) cnamed Marsha Linehan. She has coping skills. smart woman in my opinion. I still do the diary cards and work sheets. So you use these copings kills and with your daily meds you can cope through situations better, well I am just slipping with the skills. So, I have to get back on track. I was doing pretty good with my work sheets and I got away from them and figured I would be able to just go ahead and do my therapy of writing. Just writie everywhere.
I do. I write 3 blogs. I write in journals. I write in notebooks. I just write. I write poetry. writing is my thing, I even got an award for my poetry. It was cool.
But anyhow, back to last night. So I said what I needed to and it worked. I said it wrong at first, but I stood there and fixed it the way I needed to say it. All worked out the way I wanted it to. Not that I "won", but that I was heard.
A respect thing. it was a good start.
So, hopefully this will be something that we can work on together. I have him starting a diary card with me on the 26th. See if he can handle it. I hope he can, maybe the skills can help him and us working together on them could be to our benefit.
Anyhow, well, I did stnad up mroe for myself, see there used to be a much longer thread on this site by me. they had to close it because it got to long, guess it was slowing downt hings, I can understand. But it would of let you guys know so much more, more day to day stuff so you were not coming in so "fresh" so to speak on things now. you would know more about the past, but goody remembers, goody has read a lot of the past hundreds of posts.
NO OFFENSE to anyone out there at all. Just I know for myself the more info. I have, the more it helps me give out advice to others, but anyhow, so I just stood up for myself. I used to you know. I had self respect as the doc calls it. I use skills. Umm, quick explain:
Doc ran a group and I used to go, then we would study a woman's teaching's (I still do) cnamed Marsha Linehan. She has coping skills. smart woman in my opinion. I still do the diary cards and work sheets. So you use these copings kills and with your daily meds you can cope through situations better, well I am just slipping with the skills. So, I have to get back on track. I was doing pretty good with my work sheets and I got away from them and figured I would be able to just go ahead and do my therapy of writing. Just writie everywhere.
I do. I write 3 blogs. I write in journals. I write in notebooks. I just write. I write poetry. writing is my thing, I even got an award for my poetry. It was cool.
But anyhow, back to last night. So I said what I needed to and it worked. I said it wrong at first, but I stood there and fixed it the way I needed to say it. All worked out the way I wanted it to. Not that I "won", but that I was heard.
A respect thing. it was a good start.
So, hopefully this will be something that we can work on together. I have him starting a diary card with me on the 26th. See if he can handle it. I hope he can, maybe the skills can help him and us working together on them could be to our benefit.
marshmallow
03-21-2007, 05:47 PM
bpd/bipolar your posts are all there if anyone wants to read them. They just have to click on your name and then more posts by It goes back to 2005.
How are you today?
How are you today?
bpd_bipolar
03-22-2007, 11:35 AM
Today is a new day. boyfriend's mom is on her way up here to take us out to lunch before she gets his daughter for driver's ed stuff (his daughter will be getting temps this year).
I just thought of something. Maybe I am getting a little freaked out about stuff also because of the kid thing. I mean I know that my kids when this whole thing happened with them being gone were only like 8 months and almost 2 years, but even though he doesn't get to see his son of the same of my oldest (who would now be 9 this year I think, born in '98)....he gets updated pics, I am jealous of that and he can see his oldest daughter who is 17 this year. I told him that I hurt about my girls and he says you did the right thing, do I agree, I said yes and then he said I have to get over it, like it is the flu or something, like it is nothing. Maybe I am just mad at him deep inside because he wants me to just live for today and not the past.
I think I am starting to figure some things out here. Maybe I get mad at him for simple things that he does and deserves, but also for stuff that he represents.
the past that I can't let go of and that part is my fault.
oh k there is a storm coming here and I got to log out. be back later or tomorrow.
I just thought of something. Maybe I am getting a little freaked out about stuff also because of the kid thing. I mean I know that my kids when this whole thing happened with them being gone were only like 8 months and almost 2 years, but even though he doesn't get to see his son of the same of my oldest (who would now be 9 this year I think, born in '98)....he gets updated pics, I am jealous of that and he can see his oldest daughter who is 17 this year. I told him that I hurt about my girls and he says you did the right thing, do I agree, I said yes and then he said I have to get over it, like it is the flu or something, like it is nothing. Maybe I am just mad at him deep inside because he wants me to just live for today and not the past.
I think I am starting to figure some things out here. Maybe I get mad at him for simple things that he does and deserves, but also for stuff that he represents.
the past that I can't let go of and that part is my fault.
oh k there is a storm coming here and I got to log out. be back later or tomorrow.
bpd_bipolar
03-23-2007, 11:15 AM
Quickly...as we have to leave for our family doc.......
we went and got his daughters temp license stuff done yesterday (got her pic and all he did his first official parent thing for her by signing the paper for her, which is a big thing, but that is not a thing about him on this board).........anyhow...
ME.......um.....I am frazzeled todday, anxious. I get blood results back, which shouldn't be a bad thing, I mean I am oh k, but it is Friday and I did stand up to him again last night about the 25 staying over tonight and tomorrow as they got an apt. I am the one that gave the last reference, ironically that got them the apt. it was funny, but I want them to stay the heck out of mine. SO, um, let me see........even typing really anxious here..........just, am not looking forward to tonight again, it is a friday I am going to dread like all the others. I want it over with. the guys haven't moved in yet and some how this is my fault I guess and they are going to stay here again like usual. NO. I told him I didn't want it and then he said well, what is the big dealand I just didn't want to argue. you know......
anyhow, I just don't want to fight. So, 26 yr. old will stay the whole weekend and 25 yr old will stay sat night. but hopefully they won't get all stupid drunk...yeah right. I really need to get over it.
or something.............. oh k, gotta go to the docs, sorry, really anxious, REALLY ANXIOUS. Type later or tomorrow.
we went and got his daughters temp license stuff done yesterday (got her pic and all he did his first official parent thing for her by signing the paper for her, which is a big thing, but that is not a thing about him on this board).........anyhow...
ME.......um.....I am frazzeled todday, anxious. I get blood results back, which shouldn't be a bad thing, I mean I am oh k, but it is Friday and I did stand up to him again last night about the 25 staying over tonight and tomorrow as they got an apt. I am the one that gave the last reference, ironically that got them the apt. it was funny, but I want them to stay the heck out of mine. SO, um, let me see........even typing really anxious here..........just, am not looking forward to tonight again, it is a friday I am going to dread like all the others. I want it over with. the guys haven't moved in yet and some how this is my fault I guess and they are going to stay here again like usual. NO. I told him I didn't want it and then he said well, what is the big dealand I just didn't want to argue. you know......
anyhow, I just don't want to fight. So, 26 yr. old will stay the whole weekend and 25 yr old will stay sat night. but hopefully they won't get all stupid drunk...yeah right. I really need to get over it.
or something.............. oh k, gotta go to the docs, sorry, really anxious, REALLY ANXIOUS. Type later or tomorrow.
bpd_bipolar
03-24-2007, 12:46 PM
sigh.........
last night was what I thought it to be. One giant huge, mess. they were drunk. the youngest one was puking and I had to clean it up of course. Why me. Really, why me? It is his friend. He should of had to.
I got all of 5 hours of sleep, they got a lot more than that, except the young one, he had to go to work probably hung over which is good, but he is young, he can take it.
I was just angry last night, but pretended to have a nie time. hid all the unhappiness except when it became 2am and the boyfriend turned the computer back on and said 'oh, I am only going on here for a minute', then went and said he was getting a beer, I lost it. I yelled, not caring the drunk kid was sleeping. Said, you said a minute, several times, then he came back and said, I guess I am on here for a minute. I am going to bed now. I said good.
I HATE THIS.
I want them out of my house, BUT here we go, there is today.
I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS NIGHT AHEAD. I am sure that they will get beer. Not my old man, but the kids (I call them kids, but the younger ones).
I hate this.
I want this to end.
They have a place, get the heck out of mine.
just in a bad mood, but have to pretend once I walk out of this office that everything is oh k.
PRETEND.
word of the day for me.
you know, if I drank, then I could hide in it, but no, I do not drown my problems and make things worse, I am sober. I am diseased in the head and sober, my boyfriend, he is diseased in the head and smokes and drinks.
a butt. if I cuold type other words, I would, but they are not nice to post here.
Had to vent, sorry about it guys, but the anger side of the mania has a strong grip on me and I have to get it out before I go say something that I can't take back and ruin all the imaginary progress I am making or real progress I don't know anymore, I know I am really angry right now, I think I might actually need a valium though to calm down. Not for anxiety but to calm down the anger.
sorry to you guys again. post tomorrow.
last night was what I thought it to be. One giant huge, mess. they were drunk. the youngest one was puking and I had to clean it up of course. Why me. Really, why me? It is his friend. He should of had to.
I got all of 5 hours of sleep, they got a lot more than that, except the young one, he had to go to work probably hung over which is good, but he is young, he can take it.
I was just angry last night, but pretended to have a nie time. hid all the unhappiness except when it became 2am and the boyfriend turned the computer back on and said 'oh, I am only going on here for a minute', then went and said he was getting a beer, I lost it. I yelled, not caring the drunk kid was sleeping. Said, you said a minute, several times, then he came back and said, I guess I am on here for a minute. I am going to bed now. I said good.
I HATE THIS.
I want them out of my house, BUT here we go, there is today.
I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS NIGHT AHEAD. I am sure that they will get beer. Not my old man, but the kids (I call them kids, but the younger ones).
I hate this.
I want this to end.
They have a place, get the heck out of mine.
just in a bad mood, but have to pretend once I walk out of this office that everything is oh k.
PRETEND.
word of the day for me.
you know, if I drank, then I could hide in it, but no, I do not drown my problems and make things worse, I am sober. I am diseased in the head and sober, my boyfriend, he is diseased in the head and smokes and drinks.
a butt. if I cuold type other words, I would, but they are not nice to post here.
Had to vent, sorry about it guys, but the anger side of the mania has a strong grip on me and I have to get it out before I go say something that I can't take back and ruin all the imaginary progress I am making or real progress I don't know anymore, I know I am really angry right now, I think I might actually need a valium though to calm down. Not for anxiety but to calm down the anger.
sorry to you guys again. post tomorrow.
marshmallow
03-24-2007, 01:25 PM
I do not mean to be harsh but this just goes on and on and YOU are the only one that can change it if you really hate it. You are not thinking of what could make you happy only what you dislike. This is not going to change unless you change it. Please think about that.
deedeehurtn
03-25-2007, 01:10 AM
I do not mean to be harsh but this just goes on and on and YOU are the only one that can change it if you really hate it. You are not thinking of what could make you happy only what you dislike. This is not going to change unless you change it. Please think about that.
is there really a light at the end of the tunnel, i read several post and new to this tonight can you tell me how to post
is there really a light at the end of the tunnel, i read several post and new to this tonight can you tell me how to post
deedeehurtn
03-25-2007, 01:16 AM
From my experience being in a relationship with some one dealing with bipolar, I have some suggestions. I assume you love him and want the best.
I think you need to consider some space and a bit of seperation. It will help you get some perspective, and decide what you want. It will also help you get things straight with your boyfriend if that is what you want. This disorder hurts the people around you also, and in your case his disorder is hurting you. Some space will help you heal.
hi, in your response have you seperated from a bi-polar spouse? i have been livning in a pure night mare for 3 months now and my husband just left again. i feel as if i can't breathe and him moving out he will get the divorce papers going and cause more damage to our marriage cause he's in a manic mood now- we really haven't tried he blames me and says hurtful things and he reacts so quickly, when i tried talking to him he got defensive and ran out the door, he's been gone for 3 days and i haven't a clue of where's he's at??? this is killing me so much. it's as if it consumes my everythought and emotion??
I think you need to consider some space and a bit of seperation. It will help you get some perspective, and decide what you want. It will also help you get things straight with your boyfriend if that is what you want. This disorder hurts the people around you also, and in your case his disorder is hurting you. Some space will help you heal.
hi, in your response have you seperated from a bi-polar spouse? i have been livning in a pure night mare for 3 months now and my husband just left again. i feel as if i can't breathe and him moving out he will get the divorce papers going and cause more damage to our marriage cause he's in a manic mood now- we really haven't tried he blames me and says hurtful things and he reacts so quickly, when i tried talking to him he got defensive and ran out the door, he's been gone for 3 days and i haven't a clue of where's he's at??? this is killing me so much. it's as if it consumes my everythought and emotion??
bpd_bipolar
03-25-2007, 01:04 PM
Dee, when people are manic they do spur of the moment things. They do not usually think, they just "DO". They run off of emotion. No rationality there what so ever. He needs to see a psych doc and see what the doc says about meds and about perhaps skills training and things to that effect along with the meds if that is what is deemed fit by the doc. All you can do is hang in there, if you love him, be there, try to hang in.
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Marsh, I know that post was complete bipolar at it's best, but as you can see, right now I am calmer. I was rather angry last night, it got worse as more people showed up. There was no drinking at all last night by the guys. I was very very angry at one of my boyfriend's friends because he comes over all the time and if I have a bottle of Marsala cooking wine (this guy is a chef), he always grabs a glass, a double shot glass and pours some. He asks my boyfriend and ignores me completely, well I over heard my boyfriend say I am not an enabler and I spoke up in front of a whole house full of people (little apt. full) and said loudly, do not drink my marsala. He said how he would buy me a bottle of good marsala to have and I said I do not care, do not drink any of my marsala. Well, I walk in the kitchen later on, because that is when I happen to need to go in there and sure enough the jerk had drank some.
I told my boyfriend I am tired of your friends treating me like I do not exist. I pay bills, I live here and I exist. I am not invisible. They will respect me. I had put my foot down, I told him I love him and I respect him, but with each seperate case, especially this guy, who is older, I think 37, thinks he knows everything and doesn't listen to anyone, he will respect me in my house or get the heck out. I will put my foot down to him.
Anyhow, just showing to you, that not all nights are about the boyfriend, things with him and I are oh k at times, it is the outside influences 90% of the time. They are the ones that ruin things. I then let things build up. I HOLD IT ALL IN. So, even though he does stuff wrong, I hold it in and make it boil up, so we both need to work on stuff. I do not want anyone to think that he is a bad guy. He is just who he is. I am trying to get out of the habit of being the parent and maybe he will get out of the habit of being the kid if I do not treat him like one, you know (doc agrees with me on that one).
Oh k, anyhow, Ihope you aren't mad at me. I like you talking with me. You are a good person and post thoughtful things to me. :)
Just trying to show that everyday isn't a drinking one. or a bad one. but I need to slow down because I am starting a manic thing. I think I need to eat. How easy I go from calm to manic......not good I don't think.
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Marsh, I know that post was complete bipolar at it's best, but as you can see, right now I am calmer. I was rather angry last night, it got worse as more people showed up. There was no drinking at all last night by the guys. I was very very angry at one of my boyfriend's friends because he comes over all the time and if I have a bottle of Marsala cooking wine (this guy is a chef), he always grabs a glass, a double shot glass and pours some. He asks my boyfriend and ignores me completely, well I over heard my boyfriend say I am not an enabler and I spoke up in front of a whole house full of people (little apt. full) and said loudly, do not drink my marsala. He said how he would buy me a bottle of good marsala to have and I said I do not care, do not drink any of my marsala. Well, I walk in the kitchen later on, because that is when I happen to need to go in there and sure enough the jerk had drank some.
I told my boyfriend I am tired of your friends treating me like I do not exist. I pay bills, I live here and I exist. I am not invisible. They will respect me. I had put my foot down, I told him I love him and I respect him, but with each seperate case, especially this guy, who is older, I think 37, thinks he knows everything and doesn't listen to anyone, he will respect me in my house or get the heck out. I will put my foot down to him.
Anyhow, just showing to you, that not all nights are about the boyfriend, things with him and I are oh k at times, it is the outside influences 90% of the time. They are the ones that ruin things. I then let things build up. I HOLD IT ALL IN. So, even though he does stuff wrong, I hold it in and make it boil up, so we both need to work on stuff. I do not want anyone to think that he is a bad guy. He is just who he is. I am trying to get out of the habit of being the parent and maybe he will get out of the habit of being the kid if I do not treat him like one, you know (doc agrees with me on that one).
Oh k, anyhow, Ihope you aren't mad at me. I like you talking with me. You are a good person and post thoughtful things to me. :)
Just trying to show that everyday isn't a drinking one. or a bad one. but I need to slow down because I am starting a manic thing. I think I need to eat. How easy I go from calm to manic......not good I don't think.
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goody2shuz
03-25-2007, 05:53 PM
Hi, DeeDee:wave: Welcome...the best thing to do is open a thread of your own coming up with a title and then posting what seems to be the problem that you need the most support for. You will see once you come to the Bipolar Board at the top left hand corner there is a tab that says something like "New Thread". Click on that and type away....looking forward to seeing you. There is another poster, Marshmallow who is going through something very similar and will be of great support to you.
BP/BPD ~ You just keep on working on yourself. The thing that I think most of us worry about is the day to day stress that you are under and that perhaps you would do better on your own without all that stress. But who is to say that not knowing everything....all in all you MUST do what is best for you and for your overall health and well being. Sometimes it sounds as if your boyfriend doesn't take any of your feelings into account and just makes your life harder....that's all.
Just keep on doing what you need to do for yourself.
(((((HUGS))))))) ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
BP/BPD ~ You just keep on working on yourself. The thing that I think most of us worry about is the day to day stress that you are under and that perhaps you would do better on your own without all that stress. But who is to say that not knowing everything....all in all you MUST do what is best for you and for your overall health and well being. Sometimes it sounds as if your boyfriend doesn't take any of your feelings into account and just makes your life harder....that's all.
Just keep on doing what you need to do for yourself.
(((((HUGS))))))) ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
bpd_bipolar
03-26-2007, 11:58 AM
Some times I think that I get the full hit of bipolar and end up on the up side of the manic hill and that is when I am typing, therefore I type to release and things come out that make things look bad. They seem that way because my emotional mind is, of course, acting on impulse of everything is horrid (ie: complete judgements), but in the reality of things, they aren't as "horrid" as the level of bipolar/BPD is making them out to be.
Do not get me wrong, I do know that things are not peachy keen here. There are a definite 50/50 thing of probs going on and yes, I do have to stop acting and start thinking, but that is something I have been working on for almost a month now. The time that those people sleep over on the weekend make things 100% worse for me and then I get all the mania and stress.....BOOM a bomb is created. This past weekend it wasn't even drinking of any kind on Saturday, it was the fact that one of his friends made me feel invisible and, well read above about the 37 (the older guy, who thinks he knows everything).
I just hated it and do hate it.
I am not into being ignored especially in my own home. I won't be and I have never been before. I used to be the one in the lime light so to speak back in the day, you know. now, my leo signed boyfriend is. This gemini isn't. I have become introverted to a point. I want to stay away from people and now...one of his friends came over, the one that lives in the past. one with diabetes. that drinks all the time and doesn't think he can get through the day without partying. oh boy.
Something new everyday, you know. What are you going to do though. Guess, just deal with it as it comes along, But the sleeping over people, well they have a home now, one not that far from here that they can walk to. They do not drive, and walk to work and every where, so that is all good. When they are real drunk, nope, they can walk drunk to their place, no staying here anymore.
I am done with it.
Do not get me wrong, I do know that things are not peachy keen here. There are a definite 50/50 thing of probs going on and yes, I do have to stop acting and start thinking, but that is something I have been working on for almost a month now. The time that those people sleep over on the weekend make things 100% worse for me and then I get all the mania and stress.....BOOM a bomb is created. This past weekend it wasn't even drinking of any kind on Saturday, it was the fact that one of his friends made me feel invisible and, well read above about the 37 (the older guy, who thinks he knows everything).
I just hated it and do hate it.
I am not into being ignored especially in my own home. I won't be and I have never been before. I used to be the one in the lime light so to speak back in the day, you know. now, my leo signed boyfriend is. This gemini isn't. I have become introverted to a point. I want to stay away from people and now...one of his friends came over, the one that lives in the past. one with diabetes. that drinks all the time and doesn't think he can get through the day without partying. oh boy.
Something new everyday, you know. What are you going to do though. Guess, just deal with it as it comes along, But the sleeping over people, well they have a home now, one not that far from here that they can walk to. They do not drive, and walk to work and every where, so that is all good. When they are real drunk, nope, they can walk drunk to their place, no staying here anymore.
I am done with it.
bpd_bipolar
03-27-2007, 11:48 AM
Today is our 4 year anniversary. You know, I actually sit here and am not sure what to type. I mean right now, as of now, things are mellow.
I like it now. No qualms, no nothing. I might be back later with some dilema, but for now, my bipolar and BPD are in check. outside situations are oh k as well. Hope it stays this way.
I like it now. No qualms, no nothing. I might be back later with some dilema, but for now, my bipolar and BPD are in check. outside situations are oh k as well. Hope it stays this way.
bpd_bipolar
03-28-2007, 12:10 PM
Greetings to all. Well, I am back. I didn't get back on here yesterday to write, but dilema's arose. Boy, did they ever. I got offline and then, after he woke, it all hit me. I said happy anniversary, he said it back, we gave each other a kiss and then, well, the day went to hell.
We spent about 10 minutes together, then he left for his friends (which I said, oh k to because his friends just moved in together and his friend had his 16 month there and needed a spoon to feed the kid with so of course I said go ahead and bring him a spoon, it would of been self fish of me to say no...that would of been mean), then after a bit, I think about 20 minutes - 45 he came back (he was walking), well he came back with his friend and the 16 month old. If you guys have read the past whole thread thing, then you know I am not easy around children because of the thing with my own little ones being gone.
Oh k, so they hung out for about 2 hours, around. I ended up raising my voice at one point for the kid to stop grabbing my glass dish and I stopped. I realized what I was doing and stopped, I couldn't take it, floods of memories came back to me about my girls........this was only the begining of it all.
So, they left and then iour other friend came over. No time for us yet. Oh k, so our friend and him go in the office and they work on his online page. Me, just sitting alone in the living room. Oh yay. Oh k, so hour or so goes by and then he is about to leave when the door bell rings. Another of his friends is here and the other leaves. A freaking revolving door is needed now. So, now someone is here still. US??? NOPE, not alone yet. Oh, except that first 10 minutes. Anyhow, so the kid stays for about an hour. It is now about 5 I think. So, I came in the office, sat and wrote him an email because I know he'll read that sooner than talk to me, he is just going togo straight online, know this. What happens, he comes in the room, I log out and he goes straight online, ME, I AM DEPRESSED. BIG TIME.
So, I say, I am going to lay down. not even 10 minutes goes bya nd the doorbell rings, I am about to burst into tears. It seems that mroe ******ing people are showing up on our anniversary than ever that whole week plus weekend combined. It was the kid that used to stay the weekend. I get out of bed, now I can't even lay down. I am furious, but have to fake that being oh k, doing a lousy job of it, but am just not doing to well here. All I wanted was a nice anniversary. Anyhow, so that guy leaves at 6:50p. boyfriend finally begins to cook dinner, I am really hungry and we are in the kitchen, that is when we talk.
I told him, I know this probably doesn't mean much to you, but this means a lot to me. he says he didn't think we were one of those couples. I asked what kind? he said material. I said what??????? I said I am not a material person. All I wanted was to be with you, not everyone that showed up today, just you and me out walking ALONE or just together watching a show, but not bothered ont his, the only day we have for our 4 yr. anniversary. He comes back with, you know what though.....I look at it as we have a lot of years for us to have many anniversaries, so this one is just another day to me. we'll have more.
After he finally said his feelings, I didn't know what to do, except start to cry. I was floored because it is so hard for him to get his feelings out to me. I know he loves me, but to finally say what he feels deep inside and to say that we will have more than this anniversary.....we'll have more. I mean I don't know whether that was to appease me or if he meant it, but that was the sweetest damn thing on earth and I needed it at that moment, I was ready to break down.
Then, after dinner and we lay down, we made love (sorry, trying to tell the story here),we get up and then he gets to the phone and says, well we have been together alone for 2 hours, so I can call and have the guys come over, right?
I was about to scream, guess the look I had scared him because he put the phone down really quick.
My bipolar is hitting hard...................go figure. There, process that and tel me your thoughts.
We spent about 10 minutes together, then he left for his friends (which I said, oh k to because his friends just moved in together and his friend had his 16 month there and needed a spoon to feed the kid with so of course I said go ahead and bring him a spoon, it would of been self fish of me to say no...that would of been mean), then after a bit, I think about 20 minutes - 45 he came back (he was walking), well he came back with his friend and the 16 month old. If you guys have read the past whole thread thing, then you know I am not easy around children because of the thing with my own little ones being gone.
Oh k, so they hung out for about 2 hours, around. I ended up raising my voice at one point for the kid to stop grabbing my glass dish and I stopped. I realized what I was doing and stopped, I couldn't take it, floods of memories came back to me about my girls........this was only the begining of it all.
So, they left and then iour other friend came over. No time for us yet. Oh k, so our friend and him go in the office and they work on his online page. Me, just sitting alone in the living room. Oh yay. Oh k, so hour or so goes by and then he is about to leave when the door bell rings. Another of his friends is here and the other leaves. A freaking revolving door is needed now. So, now someone is here still. US??? NOPE, not alone yet. Oh, except that first 10 minutes. Anyhow, so the kid stays for about an hour. It is now about 5 I think. So, I came in the office, sat and wrote him an email because I know he'll read that sooner than talk to me, he is just going togo straight online, know this. What happens, he comes in the room, I log out and he goes straight online, ME, I AM DEPRESSED. BIG TIME.
So, I say, I am going to lay down. not even 10 minutes goes bya nd the doorbell rings, I am about to burst into tears. It seems that mroe ******ing people are showing up on our anniversary than ever that whole week plus weekend combined. It was the kid that used to stay the weekend. I get out of bed, now I can't even lay down. I am furious, but have to fake that being oh k, doing a lousy job of it, but am just not doing to well here. All I wanted was a nice anniversary. Anyhow, so that guy leaves at 6:50p. boyfriend finally begins to cook dinner, I am really hungry and we are in the kitchen, that is when we talk.
I told him, I know this probably doesn't mean much to you, but this means a lot to me. he says he didn't think we were one of those couples. I asked what kind? he said material. I said what??????? I said I am not a material person. All I wanted was to be with you, not everyone that showed up today, just you and me out walking ALONE or just together watching a show, but not bothered ont his, the only day we have for our 4 yr. anniversary. He comes back with, you know what though.....I look at it as we have a lot of years for us to have many anniversaries, so this one is just another day to me. we'll have more.
After he finally said his feelings, I didn't know what to do, except start to cry. I was floored because it is so hard for him to get his feelings out to me. I know he loves me, but to finally say what he feels deep inside and to say that we will have more than this anniversary.....we'll have more. I mean I don't know whether that was to appease me or if he meant it, but that was the sweetest damn thing on earth and I needed it at that moment, I was ready to break down.
Then, after dinner and we lay down, we made love (sorry, trying to tell the story here),we get up and then he gets to the phone and says, well we have been together alone for 2 hours, so I can call and have the guys come over, right?
I was about to scream, guess the look I had scared him because he put the phone down really quick.
My bipolar is hitting hard...................go figure. There, process that and tel me your thoughts.
bpd_bipolar
03-29-2007, 11:52 AM
Last night, I'll cut to the chase, we went to the bar, he got drunk. We staid till 1am and walked his friend out. all fine. we got back home, everything was shut down for the night, Iwas ready for bed, he turned the damn computer back on. said 'just going to check my email then come to bed', he lied to me. Gee a drunk lying.......I never thought it. He went to that damn ******* page. everything was fine beore he made a ******* page. I am fine with my ******* page, he stares at it, like a magic page.
Anyhow, so he finally comes to bed at 2:09a. I finally fall asleep (he passes out right away of course) at 3a. Then I am jsut awake and loooking at the clock about every hour. I am SO tired. Well it would be oh k if we had nothing to do today or tonight, BUT tonight is the Mushroomhead concert. So, not only do I have to drive (which driving in the day I am oh k), but I'm sober, so I trust it............but I have to stay up until 2am then drive us home in the dark, no lights bu mine and whoever the drunks ont he road use their lights. I have trouble seeing in the dark driving. NOT FUN.
I am so tired. I want to cry. He kept me up knowing I am going to be tired, I barely and I mean got broken up barely any sleep. I want to break down and cry. I figured I would get my online stuff done and then just go back to bed all day, try to eat something and take a shower then we leave for the concert at 6:16pm. I know people will call and people will come over, people always bug me when I need to sleep. I NEED TO SLEEP.
I hate this, he says he is sorry, but I don't know if I believe him, maybe he iss orry that I am tired, but maybe it is because I have to drive him and his friend. probably the only reason I am going because I am the one to drive and be sober.
You know, some times if I matter, I wonder ......I mean do I matter? maybe I am so tired that I am not thinking straight. I don't know.
Sorry, I can't even tell if I am manic or depressed, wait, yes DEPRESSED.
talk later or tomorrow or is I am around whenever, have to figure out what to do if I can even fall backt o sleep which I take sleeping pills to fall asleep, so I doubt I will be able to lay down and just fall asleep.
HELP ME. I AM OVER REACTING???????????????? AM I???????????????
I NEED HELP
Anyhow, so he finally comes to bed at 2:09a. I finally fall asleep (he passes out right away of course) at 3a. Then I am jsut awake and loooking at the clock about every hour. I am SO tired. Well it would be oh k if we had nothing to do today or tonight, BUT tonight is the Mushroomhead concert. So, not only do I have to drive (which driving in the day I am oh k), but I'm sober, so I trust it............but I have to stay up until 2am then drive us home in the dark, no lights bu mine and whoever the drunks ont he road use their lights. I have trouble seeing in the dark driving. NOT FUN.
I am so tired. I want to cry. He kept me up knowing I am going to be tired, I barely and I mean got broken up barely any sleep. I want to break down and cry. I figured I would get my online stuff done and then just go back to bed all day, try to eat something and take a shower then we leave for the concert at 6:16pm. I know people will call and people will come over, people always bug me when I need to sleep. I NEED TO SLEEP.
I hate this, he says he is sorry, but I don't know if I believe him, maybe he iss orry that I am tired, but maybe it is because I have to drive him and his friend. probably the only reason I am going because I am the one to drive and be sober.
You know, some times if I matter, I wonder ......I mean do I matter? maybe I am so tired that I am not thinking straight. I don't know.
Sorry, I can't even tell if I am manic or depressed, wait, yes DEPRESSED.
talk later or tomorrow or is I am around whenever, have to figure out what to do if I can even fall backt o sleep which I take sleeping pills to fall asleep, so I doubt I will be able to lay down and just fall asleep.
HELP ME. I AM OVER REACTING???????????????? AM I???????????????
I NEED HELP
bpd_bipolar
03-30-2007, 01:09 PM
Yeah.......Here we go........Yesterday:
Basic of it all I was working on about a total of 9 (out of 31 hours of sleep) and then we go out to the car and someone had dumped motor oil all over the seats and dash..pretty much the whole front of too...steering wheel and such (then upon arriving, we got out and I found out that the oil soaked through the towel and I had oil on my butt through the whole show).
So, as you can see I wasn't too happy (and needless to say my boyfriend wasn't either)....keep in mind this was our 4 yr. anniversary gift, his to me (the concert).
There ya go. I was sad, I held back tears for hours, but you know what?? I saw the lead singer of the lead band there, Mushroomhead. Anyhow I got to meet him, summoned the courage to walk up to him, motor oil on my butt and all and talked to him and shook his hand and then talked to him later on and got his autograph and then when they played I had some fun. I even got hit on (I did sit down for a good portion of the time we were there though).
Anyhow, the point of me telling you all of this..............I was super I mean super at the end of my rope, I was losing tears left and right and I held it in. BARELY. My boyfriend tried to help me. He tried to comfort me, but knew he couldn't get past my anger that was inside, I was yelling the whole time we were outside and trying to figure what to do at first . Then we got towels of which I only HAD good ones, but now, NOW things are ruined, my only pair of jeans, ruined and my good towles, ruined. I don't know why, I mean we keep to ourselves, we do nothing to these idiots in this building we live in and they concentrated the oil throwing on my side of the car.
Someone was mad at me. I denied a ride to someone earlier in the week because it was at night and I have a lot of trouble seeing at night. That is the only thing we can think of.
I am tired, sore and getting I don't even know. angry, depressed, gonna cry, not sure. Talk later.
Basic of it all I was working on about a total of 9 (out of 31 hours of sleep) and then we go out to the car and someone had dumped motor oil all over the seats and dash..pretty much the whole front of too...steering wheel and such (then upon arriving, we got out and I found out that the oil soaked through the towel and I had oil on my butt through the whole show).
So, as you can see I wasn't too happy (and needless to say my boyfriend wasn't either)....keep in mind this was our 4 yr. anniversary gift, his to me (the concert).
There ya go. I was sad, I held back tears for hours, but you know what?? I saw the lead singer of the lead band there, Mushroomhead. Anyhow I got to meet him, summoned the courage to walk up to him, motor oil on my butt and all and talked to him and shook his hand and then talked to him later on and got his autograph and then when they played I had some fun. I even got hit on (I did sit down for a good portion of the time we were there though).
Anyhow, the point of me telling you all of this..............I was super I mean super at the end of my rope, I was losing tears left and right and I held it in. BARELY. My boyfriend tried to help me. He tried to comfort me, but knew he couldn't get past my anger that was inside, I was yelling the whole time we were outside and trying to figure what to do at first . Then we got towels of which I only HAD good ones, but now, NOW things are ruined, my only pair of jeans, ruined and my good towles, ruined. I don't know why, I mean we keep to ourselves, we do nothing to these idiots in this building we live in and they concentrated the oil throwing on my side of the car.
Someone was mad at me. I denied a ride to someone earlier in the week because it was at night and I have a lot of trouble seeing at night. That is the only thing we can think of.
I am tired, sore and getting I don't even know. angry, depressed, gonna cry, not sure. Talk later.
bpd_bipolar
03-31-2007, 12:10 PM
I have only gotten about 6 hours of sleep last night. Didn't go to the bar, his friend didn't work, but his friend made it known that he is working tonight, so come on down......this is really what I need.
Anyhow, so, still can't figure out the car thing.
a girl I know, she is coming over to take me to get some dish soap (Dawn) to get for my boyfriend to try to get the oil out of the car seats. Also to get his meds for him and I found out that I am out of my topamax, but I found some 25mg ones.....which I take 200mg, so I will have to 8 to = that much, but that is oh k, it is better than none.
I am talking to the doc when we go on the 2nd. think that is Monday.
I have a headache and just want to curl up and hide.
no one has posted here to talk to me, am I babbling????? did I get anyone angry at me?????
I can't be concerned I guess, it isn't my boyfriend that did this to me, manner of fact he is holding me together right now. weird how he is being my glue right now. I am afraid to go near my car for fear something new is going to be wrong.
oh k, have to go.
Anyhow, so, still can't figure out the car thing.
a girl I know, she is coming over to take me to get some dish soap (Dawn) to get for my boyfriend to try to get the oil out of the car seats. Also to get his meds for him and I found out that I am out of my topamax, but I found some 25mg ones.....which I take 200mg, so I will have to 8 to = that much, but that is oh k, it is better than none.
I am talking to the doc when we go on the 2nd. think that is Monday.
I have a headache and just want to curl up and hide.
no one has posted here to talk to me, am I babbling????? did I get anyone angry at me?????
I can't be concerned I guess, it isn't my boyfriend that did this to me, manner of fact he is holding me together right now. weird how he is being my glue right now. I am afraid to go near my car for fear something new is going to be wrong.
oh k, have to go.
marshmallow
03-31-2007, 08:12 PM
I know I am not mad or upset with you but I don't know what to say for sure. I guess I just don't see much happiness in your relationship that lasts for long. I am glad at this time your bf is supporting you and helping you.
bpd_bipolar
04-01-2007, 12:48 PM
It's oh k. Just wasn't sure if I offended people away from me. Last long thread I had I was the only one writing and then I got asked why I was journaling......lol, just making sure that I didn't get asked that again.
Anyhow, the anger about my car is still inside. My boyfriend wants me to let it go, but I just have it inside even though there is nothing I can do about it, I just have it inside.
Good that I have my psych doc appt. Monday (tomorrow).
Anyhow, things with the boyfriend n I are oh k. that is a good thing. he just got up though, must be nice for him to sleep in. I never get to. I have to get up and do laundry tomorrow morning no matter what then we go to the docs in the afternoon.
My headache is fighting to come out and it was really really bad last night. I hurt.
he is turning up music out in the livingroom. great. See, the little things. it is where I get upset. my fault I guess.
Anyhow, the anger about my car is still inside. My boyfriend wants me to let it go, but I just have it inside even though there is nothing I can do about it, I just have it inside.
Good that I have my psych doc appt. Monday (tomorrow).
Anyhow, things with the boyfriend n I are oh k. that is a good thing. he just got up though, must be nice for him to sleep in. I never get to. I have to get up and do laundry tomorrow morning no matter what then we go to the docs in the afternoon.
My headache is fighting to come out and it was really really bad last night. I hurt.
he is turning up music out in the livingroom. great. See, the little things. it is where I get upset. my fault I guess.
marshmallow
04-01-2007, 05:35 PM
It is not all your fault when 2 people live together they must show respect for one another or it will not work. If you have a headache he could respect that you need quiet and other times you are the one to forgo something for him. Its give and take both ways I think.
bpd_bipolar
04-02-2007, 11:07 AM
I am starting to wonder if something is worng with my brain....let me re-phrase. Something other than the bipolar/BPD.
I have had severely bad headaches all weekend, but it hit really hard saturday, calmed sunday mid day, but came nad went. I have it today. I am wondering if it is stress though.
We see the psych doc today at 2p. I am doing laundry now and I'll be going to get it soon.
Cause of this motor oil thing I have been so angry. Stress level perhaps with the headaches??
Not sure, but I am just pretty much down to my last thread on things.
I just got done with a small discussion which could of been a big argument with my boyfriend, but I told him, this is silly, (all about saving a photo, he said was small and I said, I could see the pic, so I saved it....a pic of my favorite WWE star). I mean, come on. My head is pounding here. We are talking about silly things here.
I have to go kill my back on getting the laundry. I have to deal with other people at the laundry mat, a bunch also in about 10 minutes if not shorter and he is just getting in the shower, which is cool, but my pain is just sucky. I know he is in his own pain too.........but this still sucks.
oh k, my head is flaring, gotta go. maybe the psych doc can help a bit later with the stress stuff.
I have had severely bad headaches all weekend, but it hit really hard saturday, calmed sunday mid day, but came nad went. I have it today. I am wondering if it is stress though.
We see the psych doc today at 2p. I am doing laundry now and I'll be going to get it soon.
Cause of this motor oil thing I have been so angry. Stress level perhaps with the headaches??
Not sure, but I am just pretty much down to my last thread on things.
I just got done with a small discussion which could of been a big argument with my boyfriend, but I told him, this is silly, (all about saving a photo, he said was small and I said, I could see the pic, so I saved it....a pic of my favorite WWE star). I mean, come on. My head is pounding here. We are talking about silly things here.
I have to go kill my back on getting the laundry. I have to deal with other people at the laundry mat, a bunch also in about 10 minutes if not shorter and he is just getting in the shower, which is cool, but my pain is just sucky. I know he is in his own pain too.........but this still sucks.
oh k, my head is flaring, gotta go. maybe the psych doc can help a bit later with the stress stuff.
bpd_bipolar
04-03-2007, 12:11 PM
Talked to the psych doc. stress is the major cause of my headaches. go figure (sorry for sarcasm). sad thing is is that when he left yesterday my headache went away too. he was gone for about 3 hours and so was my headaches. gee, can't be coincidence.........
anyhow, we are upping my topamax again, so now I am 225mg. heading upward more.
oh k, have to go, pay bills and do other stuff. talk later, but my bipolar and BPD, well that is in full swing and I am fighting and keeping my emotions buried so deep down and being so soft spoken and nice it is sickening. if you would knwon me before him, well you would of known a woman that spoke her mind and did it loudly and was the funny one and the life of the party, not anymore, now I am a freaking doormat???????
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
anyhow, we are upping my topamax again, so now I am 225mg. heading upward more.
oh k, have to go, pay bills and do other stuff. talk later, but my bipolar and BPD, well that is in full swing and I am fighting and keeping my emotions buried so deep down and being so soft spoken and nice it is sickening. if you would knwon me before him, well you would of known a woman that spoke her mind and did it loudly and was the funny one and the life of the party, not anymore, now I am a freaking doormat???????
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
bpd_bipolar
04-03-2007, 07:44 PM
He was gone for 2 hours earlier, came back, then he leaves again after cooking me dinner at 5:40 (well he wouldn't of, but I said...umm, can you cook me dinner, please). I finally took my head ache pill (Amitryptilyne...something to that effect on spelling). he left and boom, stress is reduced and pill kicked in and I am feeling better, I gave him $5 to make sure that he would eat at McDonald's, he said I can't promise that I won't buy beer, I said this isn't for beer, this is for food and pop, I said no, I want you to eat food and drink normal beverage. He said I can't promise anything.
I told him whatever. I am tired of this. I am done. If he doesn't eat with the money or bring the money back, he is not getting any extra money from me ever again. that will be the end. for good.
Stress. I do not like that it is my boyfriend, the one I love. pain in my butt is what he is but I love him.
he was just so happy to leave to go to the young ones house (they moved in together about 6 blocks away now, which is good because I have alone time and he get out and walk), but he is now going there all the time and when he comes back he brings one back with him....come home alone. don't come back with anyone I don't want them here. He goes there to smoke anyhow. I think he uses them sometimes, but I really don't care, I am at that point.
UGH!!!!!
oh k, well I had to get that out. bipolar is hitting, per usual, but I need to practice my one in the moment skill.
by for now.
I told him whatever. I am tired of this. I am done. If he doesn't eat with the money or bring the money back, he is not getting any extra money from me ever again. that will be the end. for good.
Stress. I do not like that it is my boyfriend, the one I love. pain in my butt is what he is but I love him.
he was just so happy to leave to go to the young ones house (they moved in together about 6 blocks away now, which is good because I have alone time and he get out and walk), but he is now going there all the time and when he comes back he brings one back with him....come home alone. don't come back with anyone I don't want them here. He goes there to smoke anyhow. I think he uses them sometimes, but I really don't care, I am at that point.
UGH!!!!!
oh k, well I had to get that out. bipolar is hitting, per usual, but I need to practice my one in the moment skill.
by for now.
bpd_bipolar
04-04-2007, 11:47 AM
Got an email fro a girl who I thought was a friend for the past almost 6 years now. she said she never wants to talk to me again. she is p*ssed at me and hates me. She said that she read my **** and I ruined our friendship. I never wrote anything in my **** , not her name not anything. the only thing I ca think of is that day I wrote that I was super tired, I had gotten no sleep and it was the day of the conccert and I had to ddrive and stay up till probably 2am and would have trouble staying awake and have trouble driving in the dark, well she took it as, she wasn't a taxi service and I am a horrid person.
she ended a friendship in an email. I am so p*ssed off about this. now I have no friends.
See, friends never stay by you, they all leave you. this is why I don't have any, they are worthless................
she ended a friendship in an email. I am so p*ssed off about this. now I have no friends.
See, friends never stay by you, they all leave you. this is why I don't have any, they are worthless................
marshmallow
04-05-2007, 08:46 AM
Real friends are a blessing but hard to find. Maybe she is having a bad day and will change her mind. Are you a teenager? Some of the stuff you say makes me not know how old you are. I don't mean that in a negative way.
bpd_bipolar
04-05-2007, 12:15 PM
Actually, I am 31.....but I am not sure if we are allowed to give out our ages on here........
In any case. the BPd and Bipolar does make me write rather quickly, obviously emotionally, so I tend to type without thinking of the correct words most times, apologies for not picking the correct sentencing at times (I can understand where you could think that though).
After a a while, I did go to her house (later in the day) in a wise mind (again, thanks to Marsha Linehan's teachings.......from my psychiatrist) and spoke with her and she and I had discuused the fact that she has a lot going on in her life with her g-pa on his death bed and her fmaily leaving for Florida Friday and so on and such. she read something and mistakingly thought it had something to do with her (which I told her it had nothing to do with her and it had everything to do with my boyfriend)...she said...basically, oh.
then, we both agreed that it was written in emotional mind and that she should of called me or emailed me when she was calmed and not in emotional mind.
Point being, she knows to speak with me because if I question something she has done, I always ask her what is up. I clearified that to her. She agreed. So, things are settled, but whatever trust I began to have in her, is now dead.
So, for me, I have no trust in anyone........the boyfriend, well he hasn't given me a reason not to trust him, but he pushes it a lot at times, so I am not sure about him (not that he would go out and do something like cheating, but on other things, like saying things to other people....a game of telephone if you will. can't repeat the same thing twice.
BUT, oh k, age established....how old are you??
:)
thank you for taling with me and I hope we don't get in trouble for the age thing.
Take care and thank you for asking and caring
In any case. the BPd and Bipolar does make me write rather quickly, obviously emotionally, so I tend to type without thinking of the correct words most times, apologies for not picking the correct sentencing at times (I can understand where you could think that though).
After a a while, I did go to her house (later in the day) in a wise mind (again, thanks to Marsha Linehan's teachings.......from my psychiatrist) and spoke with her and she and I had discuused the fact that she has a lot going on in her life with her g-pa on his death bed and her fmaily leaving for Florida Friday and so on and such. she read something and mistakingly thought it had something to do with her (which I told her it had nothing to do with her and it had everything to do with my boyfriend)...she said...basically, oh.
then, we both agreed that it was written in emotional mind and that she should of called me or emailed me when she was calmed and not in emotional mind.
Point being, she knows to speak with me because if I question something she has done, I always ask her what is up. I clearified that to her. She agreed. So, things are settled, but whatever trust I began to have in her, is now dead.
So, for me, I have no trust in anyone........the boyfriend, well he hasn't given me a reason not to trust him, but he pushes it a lot at times, so I am not sure about him (not that he would go out and do something like cheating, but on other things, like saying things to other people....a game of telephone if you will. can't repeat the same thing twice.
BUT, oh k, age established....how old are you??
:)
thank you for taling with me and I hope we don't get in trouble for the age thing.
Take care and thank you for asking and caring
marshmallow
04-05-2007, 08:51 PM
I am glad you had a chance to talk to her and make things clear. Maybe in time you will learn to trust her and others again. I hope so. I know it is hard sometimes when life has disappointed you. I know that has happened to me too. I had to learn to look at the person apart from what others had done to me. It takes time though. I won't mention what you said you shouldnt.
I hope your doing well tonight.
I hope your doing well tonight.
bpd_bipolar
04-06-2007, 11:48 AM
Ready to leave in a minute here. Take a shower first actually. Boyfriend is getting a cd with his money. He is exceited about it, me....it's snowy out and I am just not in the mood to drive, but oh well, I lost the right to vote on things...I have to grab my muscle relaxers anyhow.
bipolar is o hk for now, but it is only begining. be back later or tomorrow. just taking deep breathes
bipolar is o hk for now, but it is only begining. be back later or tomorrow. just taking deep breathes
michael178
04-06-2007, 06:20 PM
It is difficult to deal with relationship issues on a bipolar board. Are there specific disease issues that you want addressed. If not there is a relationship health board that would probably be a better place to address your concerns.
bpd_bipolar
04-07-2007, 12:51 PM
My bipolar and BPD which is Boderline Personality Disorder (and I mean no disrespect to you at all, Michael...please take this as none given), has everything to do with what I "have notions of" my problems.
I do see and thank you for what you have said though.
I write my thread here and have been getting advice, which is grately appreciated......always stated to all I post to.....
My issues are bipolar/BPD. Yes, my boyfriend is envolved, but I am basically with him 24/7. It has been to where he has actually been going out to his friends a bit more now, walking up to their house, so I have had some alone time, in the previous posts on other past pages..........
But I do not expect all people to go back and read everything written within a thread, I am sure you guys have better things to do then to understand the entire situation, if that were the case, then well, honestly, everyone would of began with the first thread ever written by me that was closed because of so many posts (they closed because it had over 6500 view and it slowed the system....something to that effect).....Again, I am not trying to be a smart butt or anything, just understanding things from your side of how you can not possibly know all that is happening here.
Anyhow, my bipolar/BPD stems with moods, rapid cycling as I am begining now. Today my Aunt Died (in 2005, so it the 2 year anniversary), it was my father's sister. I broke down yesterday. briefly. Then I feel myself going into a tail spin here, but am trying to keep it together. Yesterday I found myself outside beating my car, well the ice to get it off with the plastic snow brush. My boyfriend got me back inside and asked me what was up, to just wait until his friend got here and he would drive us where we needed to go and it would be oh k, then he hugged me.
Oh k, see, right there, back in that paragraph, I mention my boyfriend. No matter what I am writing.......good, bad, indifferent he will be in it most likely. My mental BPD/Bipolar issues have him in tow. ALWAYS.
Anyhow, today I am depressed of course. My aunt died without me being able to say goodbye to her, she had breast cancer, but she beat it, she was ona lot of meds for it, but she was on real tough meds, strong meds. my uncle went bowling this very day in 2005 during the evening and when he got back about 2-4 hours later, he found her dead. She had taken 2 doses of her meds, she forgot she took the first dose..............I questioned if she was in a lot of pain, I questioned if this was no accidental OD, but I was assured and I knew her, she would never cop out of life, she was tough, she told my boyfriend over the phone that if he ever hurt me (she is a tough NY woman) that she would have to come kick his butt. I miss her. I love her and I couldn't even go to the damn funeral. I didn't have the money to go. no way to get there to NY. I couldn't even say goodbye to her in anyway shape or form. I have no closure for her, the woman I loved and admired.
So.......................for today.............I am asking one thing from everyone here on the board and that is to reply to THIS POST, what I have written about my aunt ONLY.
not about anything else, I can't handle it. Thank you and again, no disrespect to anyone. Just can't take much without breaking right now.
I do see and thank you for what you have said though.
I write my thread here and have been getting advice, which is grately appreciated......always stated to all I post to.....
My issues are bipolar/BPD. Yes, my boyfriend is envolved, but I am basically with him 24/7. It has been to where he has actually been going out to his friends a bit more now, walking up to their house, so I have had some alone time, in the previous posts on other past pages..........
But I do not expect all people to go back and read everything written within a thread, I am sure you guys have better things to do then to understand the entire situation, if that were the case, then well, honestly, everyone would of began with the first thread ever written by me that was closed because of so many posts (they closed because it had over 6500 view and it slowed the system....something to that effect).....Again, I am not trying to be a smart butt or anything, just understanding things from your side of how you can not possibly know all that is happening here.
Anyhow, my bipolar/BPD stems with moods, rapid cycling as I am begining now. Today my Aunt Died (in 2005, so it the 2 year anniversary), it was my father's sister. I broke down yesterday. briefly. Then I feel myself going into a tail spin here, but am trying to keep it together. Yesterday I found myself outside beating my car, well the ice to get it off with the plastic snow brush. My boyfriend got me back inside and asked me what was up, to just wait until his friend got here and he would drive us where we needed to go and it would be oh k, then he hugged me.
Oh k, see, right there, back in that paragraph, I mention my boyfriend. No matter what I am writing.......good, bad, indifferent he will be in it most likely. My mental BPD/Bipolar issues have him in tow. ALWAYS.
Anyhow, today I am depressed of course. My aunt died without me being able to say goodbye to her, she had breast cancer, but she beat it, she was ona lot of meds for it, but she was on real tough meds, strong meds. my uncle went bowling this very day in 2005 during the evening and when he got back about 2-4 hours later, he found her dead. She had taken 2 doses of her meds, she forgot she took the first dose..............I questioned if she was in a lot of pain, I questioned if this was no accidental OD, but I was assured and I knew her, she would never cop out of life, she was tough, she told my boyfriend over the phone that if he ever hurt me (she is a tough NY woman) that she would have to come kick his butt. I miss her. I love her and I couldn't even go to the damn funeral. I didn't have the money to go. no way to get there to NY. I couldn't even say goodbye to her in anyway shape or form. I have no closure for her, the woman I loved and admired.
So.......................for today.............I am asking one thing from everyone here on the board and that is to reply to THIS POST, what I have written about my aunt ONLY.
not about anything else, I can't handle it. Thank you and again, no disrespect to anyone. Just can't take much without breaking right now.
marshmallow
04-07-2007, 12:56 PM
I am so sorry about your loss. I know how hard it is losing a family member. My thoughts are with you. Hugs. Take care.
goody2shuz
04-07-2007, 02:06 PM
BP/BPD ~ I know that with both BP/BPD losses are a big thing...my daughter still talks about every loss that she has had in her life and when she does it is as if it just happened yesterday. I know that you have had your share of them which haunt you and I don't want to tell you to not think about them but if you could believe that each and every person in this world has been given to us on a loan to experience life with, perhaps thinking of it in that sense will allow you to feel less of a loss. There is no knowledge as to how long they will be here in the physical sense but the real GIFT is in the knowledge that even though they physically are no longer a part of our lives they will always be a part of our lives with the memories that we have shared with them and that are now carried within our hearts forever. Nobody could ever take that away from us.
It sounds like your aunt loved you dearly and that you share some great memories of her. Perhaps you can take what she has left you in terms of her strength to battle through her cancer and use it in your life so that her legacy lives on in you as you carry on her fine attributes knowing that when you are able to do so her life and time that she shared with you wasn't all in vain.
I read your posts everyday.....even when there isn't much time and I just wanted to let you know that each day I am thinking of you and hoping that you are gaining more and more strength to lead a stable and productive life. Eliminating as much stress as possible is so important as you are beginning to see.
I hope that I have helped in someway for you to see that even though there are losses in our lives there are also many gains. It sometimes comes down to how we look at things....you may have lost an aunt but in having her as part of your life even for the short time that you have you have also gained some strength and wisdom that had you not had her you may not have had the opportunity to.
I hope that you can find some love and peace in that.
(((HUGS))) ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
It sounds like your aunt loved you dearly and that you share some great memories of her. Perhaps you can take what she has left you in terms of her strength to battle through her cancer and use it in your life so that her legacy lives on in you as you carry on her fine attributes knowing that when you are able to do so her life and time that she shared with you wasn't all in vain.
I read your posts everyday.....even when there isn't much time and I just wanted to let you know that each day I am thinking of you and hoping that you are gaining more and more strength to lead a stable and productive life. Eliminating as much stress as possible is so important as you are beginning to see.
I hope that I have helped in someway for you to see that even though there are losses in our lives there are also many gains. It sometimes comes down to how we look at things....you may have lost an aunt but in having her as part of your life even for the short time that you have you have also gained some strength and wisdom that had you not had her you may not have had the opportunity to.
I hope that you can find some love and peace in that.
(((HUGS))) ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
deedeehurtn
04-08-2007, 12:23 AM
My bipolar and BPD which is Boderline Personality Disorder (and I mean no disrespect to you at all, Michael...please take this as none given), has everything to do with what I "have notions of" my problems.
I do see and thank you for what you have said though.
I write my thread here and have been getting advice, which is grately appreciated......always stated to all I post to.....
My issues are bipolar/BPD. Yes, my boyfriend is envolved, but I am basically with him 24/7. It has been to where he has actually been going out to his friends a bit more now, walking up to their house, so I have had some alone time, in the previous posts on other past pages..........
But I do not expect all people to go back and read everything written within a thread, I am sure you guys have better things to do then to understand the entire situation, if that were the case, then well, honestly, everyone would of began with the first thread ever written by me that was closed because of so many posts (they closed because it had over 6500 view and it slowed the system....something to that effect).....Again, I am not trying to be a smart butt or anything, just understanding things from your side of how you can not possibly know all that is happening here.
Anyhow, my bipolar/BPD stems with moods, rapid cycling as I am begining now. Today my Aunt Died (in 2005, so it the 2 year anniversary), it was my father's sister. I broke down yesterday. briefly. Then I feel myself going into a tail spin here, but am trying to keep it together. Yesterday I found myself outside beating my car, well the ice to get it off with the plastic snow brush. My boyfriend got me back inside and asked me what was up, to just wait until his friend got here and he would drive us where we needed to go and it would be oh k, then he hugged me.
Oh k, see, right there, back in that paragraph, I mention my boyfriend. No matter what I am writing.......good, bad, indifferent he will be in it most likely. My mental BPD/Bipolar issues have him in tow. ALWAYS.
Anyhow, today I am depressed of course. My aunt died without me being able to say goodbye to her, she had breast cancer, but she beat it, she was ona lot of meds for it, but she was on real tough meds, strong meds. my uncle went bowling this very day in 2005 during the evening and when he got back about 2-4 hours later, he found her dead. She had taken 2 doses of her meds, she forgot she took the first dose..............I questioned if she was in a lot of pain, I questioned if this was no accidental OD, but I was assured and I knew her, she would never cop out of life, she was tough, she told my boyfriend over the phone that if he ever hurt me (she is a tough NY woman) that she would have to come kick his butt. I miss her. I love her and I couldn't even go to the damn funeral. I didn't have the money to go. no way to get there to NY. I couldn't even say goodbye to her in anyway shape or form. I have no closure for her, the woman I loved and admired.
So.......................for today.............I am asking one thing from everyone here on the board and that is to reply to THIS POST, what I have written about my aunt ONLY.
not about anything else, I can't handle it. Thank you and again, no disrespect to anyone. Just can't take much without breaking right now.
my thoughts are w/ you as well. i'am so sorry for your lost
I do see and thank you for what you have said though.
I write my thread here and have been getting advice, which is grately appreciated......always stated to all I post to.....
My issues are bipolar/BPD. Yes, my boyfriend is envolved, but I am basically with him 24/7. It has been to where he has actually been going out to his friends a bit more now, walking up to their house, so I have had some alone time, in the previous posts on other past pages..........
But I do not expect all people to go back and read everything written within a thread, I am sure you guys have better things to do then to understand the entire situation, if that were the case, then well, honestly, everyone would of began with the first thread ever written by me that was closed because of so many posts (they closed because it had over 6500 view and it slowed the system....something to that effect).....Again, I am not trying to be a smart butt or anything, just understanding things from your side of how you can not possibly know all that is happening here.
Anyhow, my bipolar/BPD stems with moods, rapid cycling as I am begining now. Today my Aunt Died (in 2005, so it the 2 year anniversary), it was my father's sister. I broke down yesterday. briefly. Then I feel myself going into a tail spin here, but am trying to keep it together. Yesterday I found myself outside beating my car, well the ice to get it off with the plastic snow brush. My boyfriend got me back inside and asked me what was up, to just wait until his friend got here and he would drive us where we needed to go and it would be oh k, then he hugged me.
Oh k, see, right there, back in that paragraph, I mention my boyfriend. No matter what I am writing.......good, bad, indifferent he will be in it most likely. My mental BPD/Bipolar issues have him in tow. ALWAYS.
Anyhow, today I am depressed of course. My aunt died without me being able to say goodbye to her, she had breast cancer, but she beat it, she was ona lot of meds for it, but she was on real tough meds, strong meds. my uncle went bowling this very day in 2005 during the evening and when he got back about 2-4 hours later, he found her dead. She had taken 2 doses of her meds, she forgot she took the first dose..............I questioned if she was in a lot of pain, I questioned if this was no accidental OD, but I was assured and I knew her, she would never cop out of life, she was tough, she told my boyfriend over the phone that if he ever hurt me (she is a tough NY woman) that she would have to come kick his butt. I miss her. I love her and I couldn't even go to the damn funeral. I didn't have the money to go. no way to get there to NY. I couldn't even say goodbye to her in anyway shape or form. I have no closure for her, the woman I loved and admired.
So.......................for today.............I am asking one thing from everyone here on the board and that is to reply to THIS POST, what I have written about my aunt ONLY.
not about anything else, I can't handle it. Thank you and again, no disrespect to anyone. Just can't take much without breaking right now.
my thoughts are w/ you as well. i'am so sorry for your lost
kidd123
04-08-2007, 08:21 AM
HI, Like Goody I try to read your posts every day. It is so helpful to see the world from your point of view and the way it affects you. Please write some more about this awesome aunt of yours. I too lost my aunt almost 2 yrs ago & I couldn't go to her funeral because I was in another state taking care of my sister-in-law. My aunt loved me unconditionally and was a real lifeline for me, as my own mother is bipolar and I had a very stressful childhood. My aunt's name was Merry and she was always smiling--even though she lost her youngest son in Viet Nam when he was only 19 yrs old, she experienced major loss in her life.
So share some more about your aunt and what she did with you and for you.
Writing is theraputic and you are a great writer. I hope you are smiling today.
God bless you!
So share some more about your aunt and what she did with you and for you.
Writing is theraputic and you are a great writer. I hope you are smiling today.
God bless you!
bpd_bipolar
04-08-2007, 12:09 PM
Marsh, Goody, Dee, Kidd......Thank you. I just read everything. Thank you.
Yesterday after reading what michael had said...basically telling me to 'go away' (especially being the anniv. day of my aunt's death and my bpd and bipolar hitting harder then usual...I wanted to write a lot meaner than I did, but I some where inside knew he just read one post or maybe 2 and dropped a note to say don't b*tch here, there is another place for that.....to be blunt about it), also, I am sure he wasn't going to come out and say go away as this board is for Everyone and I have used it as I am supposed to and the 2 mistakes I have made, were in fact mistakes and I didn't know....so I did learn over time. ANYHOW..........
Kidd........My Aunt Sherry. Well, she was (is) a beautiful New York woman. Tough as hell and the breast cancer should of never came near her. It might o fmade her sick, thought it could win, but it had no chance.....she is 20x's the toughness of some cancer. She came to my wedding back and told my husband (before we got married) that if he hurt me she would hunt him down.....when we got the dissolution, I told her that it was all peaceful and we were still friends and she said are you sure because I'll go take care of it. I laughed. Then I got with my boyfriend and she told him on the phone that if he hurt me, she would kick his *ss. He handed the phone to me and laughed a little I looked at him (this is when she had the chemo to still do and radiation for the cancer) and said what are you laughing, she'll kick your *ss. Cancer or none.
Last time I saw her eye to eye and even have a photo was when I was 8 months pregnant with my first kid and my brother got married back in 1998. I have that photo, but didn't even take it out to look at yesterday.
Anyhow,so........my boyfriend took off yesterday to his friend's. he asked me first, I told him to just leave, I mean honestly, was he going to sit and watch me be depressed all day or be away from me? When his best friend hung himself (which was the anniv. came up 2 - 3 weeks this happened before my aunt died) I staid with him, bu his side and never left, but hey, that is just me, I am the loving girlfriend)....ANYHOW........SO, I called the one person, the one man in my life that never shows emotion, that has not once, well yes, only once cried and I saw it. when I was 6 years old and he took me, my brother and my mom into the garage in NY and said that me and your mom are divorcing, he cried for 20 seconds.
Anyhow, so I called him, all I said in a teary voice was to tell me it will be oh k. that is all I wanted, my father to tell me it would be oh k. He said, so what is up. I told him, just say the words. He said.....what's up.
I told him it is just hard for me about aunt sherry (this is his sister by the way).
He told me something that I will never forget. He said that well, you two had stuff in common. You both have names that begin with S and end in Y. you both have (had...he switched for her) big hearts. Then he said she was a bit better cook then you I think though. I was about to pour tears.....he was being the dad to me he never was for 31 years. then he asked me if I was there, well actually he said...hello? I said, yeah.....a low teary voiced one that is.....anyhow, so I said I just can't seem to get past this anniversary for her and he said, well she couldn't get past Rory's either, so that is something else you two have in common. Rory is their youngest brother that died. I never met him (a suicide on a motorcycle......not going into detail, but not how you are thinking, it wasn't pretty or riding). Point is my father had turned into dad for a moment. then he had to turn to the sarcasm and say that well, if all holds up then Kevin should be next because it seems to go from the youngest and he is the next youngest (there are 5, well were).
Anyhow, after hanging up. I was along for 5 hours. laying on the couch. I wrote a bit in my journal. but found laying on the couch crying the best for me.
----There, told you more, hope I don't get a message about talking about family so go away to the family board.-------SEE, that is a BIPOLAR/BPD REMARK.
sarcasm too I guess..........anyhow, sorry, moody as heck, need to take an anxiety pill pretty badly here too.
Yesterday after reading what michael had said...basically telling me to 'go away' (especially being the anniv. day of my aunt's death and my bpd and bipolar hitting harder then usual...I wanted to write a lot meaner than I did, but I some where inside knew he just read one post or maybe 2 and dropped a note to say don't b*tch here, there is another place for that.....to be blunt about it), also, I am sure he wasn't going to come out and say go away as this board is for Everyone and I have used it as I am supposed to and the 2 mistakes I have made, were in fact mistakes and I didn't know....so I did learn over time. ANYHOW..........
Kidd........My Aunt Sherry. Well, she was (is) a beautiful New York woman. Tough as hell and the breast cancer should of never came near her. It might o fmade her sick, thought it could win, but it had no chance.....she is 20x's the toughness of some cancer. She came to my wedding back and told my husband (before we got married) that if he hurt me she would hunt him down.....when we got the dissolution, I told her that it was all peaceful and we were still friends and she said are you sure because I'll go take care of it. I laughed. Then I got with my boyfriend and she told him on the phone that if he hurt me, she would kick his *ss. He handed the phone to me and laughed a little I looked at him (this is when she had the chemo to still do and radiation for the cancer) and said what are you laughing, she'll kick your *ss. Cancer or none.
Last time I saw her eye to eye and even have a photo was when I was 8 months pregnant with my first kid and my brother got married back in 1998. I have that photo, but didn't even take it out to look at yesterday.
Anyhow,so........my boyfriend took off yesterday to his friend's. he asked me first, I told him to just leave, I mean honestly, was he going to sit and watch me be depressed all day or be away from me? When his best friend hung himself (which was the anniv. came up 2 - 3 weeks this happened before my aunt died) I staid with him, bu his side and never left, but hey, that is just me, I am the loving girlfriend)....ANYHOW........SO, I called the one person, the one man in my life that never shows emotion, that has not once, well yes, only once cried and I saw it. when I was 6 years old and he took me, my brother and my mom into the garage in NY and said that me and your mom are divorcing, he cried for 20 seconds.
Anyhow, so I called him, all I said in a teary voice was to tell me it will be oh k. that is all I wanted, my father to tell me it would be oh k. He said, so what is up. I told him, just say the words. He said.....what's up.
I told him it is just hard for me about aunt sherry (this is his sister by the way).
He told me something that I will never forget. He said that well, you two had stuff in common. You both have names that begin with S and end in Y. you both have (had...he switched for her) big hearts. Then he said she was a bit better cook then you I think though. I was about to pour tears.....he was being the dad to me he never was for 31 years. then he asked me if I was there, well actually he said...hello? I said, yeah.....a low teary voiced one that is.....anyhow, so I said I just can't seem to get past this anniversary for her and he said, well she couldn't get past Rory's either, so that is something else you two have in common. Rory is their youngest brother that died. I never met him (a suicide on a motorcycle......not going into detail, but not how you are thinking, it wasn't pretty or riding). Point is my father had turned into dad for a moment. then he had to turn to the sarcasm and say that well, if all holds up then Kevin should be next because it seems to go from the youngest and he is the next youngest (there are 5, well were).
Anyhow, after hanging up. I was along for 5 hours. laying on the couch. I wrote a bit in my journal. but found laying on the couch crying the best for me.
----There, told you more, hope I don't get a message about talking about family so go away to the family board.-------SEE, that is a BIPOLAR/BPD REMARK.
sarcasm too I guess..........anyhow, sorry, moody as heck, need to take an anxiety pill pretty badly here too.
deedeehurtn
04-08-2007, 12:32 PM
Marsh, Goody, Dee, Kidd......Thank you. I just read everything. Thank you.
Yesterday after reading what michael had said...basically telling me to 'go away' (especially being the anniv. day of my aunt's death and my bpd and bipolar hitting harder then usual...I wanted to write a lot meaner than I did, but I some where inside knew he just read one post or maybe 2 and dropped a note to say don't b*tch here, there is another place for that.....to be blunt about it), also, I am sure he wasn't going to come out and say go away as this board is for Everyone and I have used it as I am supposed to and the 2 mistakes I have made, were in fact mistakes and I didn't know....so I did learn over time. ANYHOW..........
Kidd........My Aunt Sherry. Well, she was (is) a beautiful New York woman. Tough as hell and the breast cancer should of never came near her. It might o fmade her sick, thought it could win, but it had no chance.....she is 20x's the toughness of some cancer. She came to my wedding back and told my husband (before we got married) that if he hurt me she would hunt him down.....when we got the dissolution, I told her that it was all peaceful and we were still friends and she said are you sure because I'll go take care of it. I laughed. Then I got with my boyfriend and she told him on the phone that if he hurt me, she would kick his *ss. He handed the phone to me and laughed a little I looked at him (this is when she had the chemo to still do and radiation for the cancer) and said what are you laughing, she'll kick your *ss. Cancer or none.
Last time I saw her eye to eye and even have a photo was when I was 8 months pregnant with my first kid and my brother got married back in 1998. I have that photo, but didn't even take it out to look at yesterday.
Anyhow,so........my boyfriend took off yesterday to his friend's. he asked me first, I told him to just leave, I mean honestly, was he going to sit and watch me be depressed all day or be away from me? When his best friend hung himself (which was the anniv. came up 2 - 3 weeks this happened before my aunt died) I staid with him, bu his side and never left, but hey, that is just me, I am the loving girlfriend)....ANYHOW........SO, I called the one person, the one man in my life that never shows emotion, that has not once, well yes, only once cried and I saw it. when I was 6 years old and he took me, my brother and my mom into the garage in NY and said that me and your mom are divorcing, he cried for 20 seconds.
Anyhow, so I called him, all I said in a teary voice was to tell me it will be oh k. that is all I wanted, my father to tell me it would be oh k. He said, so what is up. I told him, just say the words. He said.....what's up.
I told him it is just hard for me about aunt sherry (this is his sister by the way).
He told me something that I will never forget. He said that well, you two had stuff in common. You both have names that begin with S and end in Y. you both have (had...he switched for her) big hearts. Then he said she was a bit better cook then you I think though. I was about to pour tears.....he was being the dad to me he never was for 31 years. then he asked me if I was there, well actually he said...hello? I said, yeah.....a low teary voiced one that is.....anyhow, so I said I just can't seem to get past this anniversary for her and he said, well she couldn't get past Rory's either, so that is something else you two have in common. Rory is their youngest brother that died. I never met him (a suicide on a motorcycle......not going into detail, but not how you are thinking, it wasn't pretty or riding). Point is my father had turned into dad for a moment. then he had to turn to the sarcasm and say that well, if all holds up then Kevin should be next because it seems to go from the youngest and he is the next youngest (there are 5, well were).
Anyhow, after hanging up. I was along for 5 hours. laying on the couch. I wrote a bit in my journal. but found laying on the couch crying the best for me.
----There, told you more, hope I don't get a message about talking about family so go away to the family board.-------SEE, that is a BIPOLAR/BPD REMARK.
sarcasm too I guess..........anyhow, sorry, moody as heck, need to take an anxiety pill pretty badly here too.
i know it maybe hard but try to relax and give your self much needed time to reflect. and have a happy easter
Yesterday after reading what michael had said...basically telling me to 'go away' (especially being the anniv. day of my aunt's death and my bpd and bipolar hitting harder then usual...I wanted to write a lot meaner than I did, but I some where inside knew he just read one post or maybe 2 and dropped a note to say don't b*tch here, there is another place for that.....to be blunt about it), also, I am sure he wasn't going to come out and say go away as this board is for Everyone and I have used it as I am supposed to and the 2 mistakes I have made, were in fact mistakes and I didn't know....so I did learn over time. ANYHOW..........
Kidd........My Aunt Sherry. Well, she was (is) a beautiful New York woman. Tough as hell and the breast cancer should of never came near her. It might o fmade her sick, thought it could win, but it had no chance.....she is 20x's the toughness of some cancer. She came to my wedding back and told my husband (before we got married) that if he hurt me she would hunt him down.....when we got the dissolution, I told her that it was all peaceful and we were still friends and she said are you sure because I'll go take care of it. I laughed. Then I got with my boyfriend and she told him on the phone that if he hurt me, she would kick his *ss. He handed the phone to me and laughed a little I looked at him (this is when she had the chemo to still do and radiation for the cancer) and said what are you laughing, she'll kick your *ss. Cancer or none.
Last time I saw her eye to eye and even have a photo was when I was 8 months pregnant with my first kid and my brother got married back in 1998. I have that photo, but didn't even take it out to look at yesterday.
Anyhow,so........my boyfriend took off yesterday to his friend's. he asked me first, I told him to just leave, I mean honestly, was he going to sit and watch me be depressed all day or be away from me? When his best friend hung himself (which was the anniv. came up 2 - 3 weeks this happened before my aunt died) I staid with him, bu his side and never left, but hey, that is just me, I am the loving girlfriend)....ANYHOW........SO, I called the one person, the one man in my life that never shows emotion, that has not once, well yes, only once cried and I saw it. when I was 6 years old and he took me, my brother and my mom into the garage in NY and said that me and your mom are divorcing, he cried for 20 seconds.
Anyhow, so I called him, all I said in a teary voice was to tell me it will be oh k. that is all I wanted, my father to tell me it would be oh k. He said, so what is up. I told him, just say the words. He said.....what's up.
I told him it is just hard for me about aunt sherry (this is his sister by the way).
He told me something that I will never forget. He said that well, you two had stuff in common. You both have names that begin with S and end in Y. you both have (had...he switched for her) big hearts. Then he said she was a bit better cook then you I think though. I was about to pour tears.....he was being the dad to me he never was for 31 years. then he asked me if I was there, well actually he said...hello? I said, yeah.....a low teary voiced one that is.....anyhow, so I said I just can't seem to get past this anniversary for her and he said, well she couldn't get past Rory's either, so that is something else you two have in common. Rory is their youngest brother that died. I never met him (a suicide on a motorcycle......not going into detail, but not how you are thinking, it wasn't pretty or riding). Point is my father had turned into dad for a moment. then he had to turn to the sarcasm and say that well, if all holds up then Kevin should be next because it seems to go from the youngest and he is the next youngest (there are 5, well were).
Anyhow, after hanging up. I was along for 5 hours. laying on the couch. I wrote a bit in my journal. but found laying on the couch crying the best for me.
----There, told you more, hope I don't get a message about talking about family so go away to the family board.-------SEE, that is a BIPOLAR/BPD REMARK.
sarcasm too I guess..........anyhow, sorry, moody as heck, need to take an anxiety pill pretty badly here too.
i know it maybe hard but try to relax and give your self much needed time to reflect. and have a happy easter
marshmallow
04-09-2007, 12:42 PM
I am sure Michael doesn't mean any harm by saying to go to another board on relationship issues. He told some of us spouses of bp almost the same thing. Our issues are about bp/ bpd so I think its appropriate to be here especially since so many get so much out of it. None of us want to hurt anyone or be critical but sometimes it might come out that way. I hope your doing well today. Hugs.
bpd_bipolar
04-09-2007, 01:44 PM
If he reads just this post then he will probably tell me to go there after he wraps me in a straight jacket......heh. Last night after arguing aboutit for a few, we went downt ot the bar, I gave him $2 to get a beer. Well, thankfully we went because a guy, a mutual friend that I havent' (we haven't) seeen in 7 months because he moved away was there, as soon as we walked in, the man walked up to me and held me, I mean I ehld on to him so tight and I didn't let go and vice versa. he said can you breathe and I said I dont' care. I held him as much as I could. He kissed my cheek a bunch and I kissed his back. It was like we had been seperated forever and it felt like it. I miss him so much. His new girlfriend didn't say a word about it and my boyfriend neevr said a word about it. They didn't care, they both actually understood. I needed to hold Roo. I had to. It felt like he was taking away all my pain, all my hurt and my worry, all my anger all my everything into his arms. I didn't want to let go, I would of held him for the entire night if (actually I do not remember why we had to let go, but there was some reason).
Through the whole time though we hugged and he kissed my cheek and I just hung on him. I needed to cling to him, he made me better inside. (odd thing, he is a drinker amongst drinkers. I don't like the drinking thing......)
Anyway, so if mine wouldn't of been so darn persistant about being a jerk about the bar, I wouldn't of seen my Roo. I took pics of him on my cell phone and I was just so glad to see him, but even I knew that I had to wake up at 7a, so I needed to go sleep, but no, not my boyfriend, he was getting drunk for free and didn't want to leave, well that was it. we walked home after the first bar closed at 1am. got in a big argument and he told me basically he hated me, well disliked me intently. and told me to F off a lot. he said he had had it and blah blah.......he was leaving to go back to the bar and I was to stay here and go to bed and be alone. Then he walked out, last thing I said to him, ludly was that I love you. I sat on the couch and waited for him. he got back at 2:30a. Super duper drunker than ever. He was the "old nutt" as the old days would call him.
asked me why I wasn't asleep, he stumbled and knocked into things, barely speak straight. didn't matter. he told me that he was tired of stuff and I told him to get away from me then, ask Roo if he would take him for a week or two, see what it would be like without me. bring your meds, but I won't call, you take them or not, you remember or not, act like an dult or not, you decide. Never got an answer, just stumbled and fell. said I was going to bed. then I followed, left a path, made sure he could get to the bathroom if he needed to and that was it.
I am feeling right now........not sure, anger? fear? lonliness? emptiness? broken inside? Just waiting for the bipolar to take me one way or the other, waiting for the ride to begin.....................
Through the whole time though we hugged and he kissed my cheek and I just hung on him. I needed to cling to him, he made me better inside. (odd thing, he is a drinker amongst drinkers. I don't like the drinking thing......)
Anyway, so if mine wouldn't of been so darn persistant about being a jerk about the bar, I wouldn't of seen my Roo. I took pics of him on my cell phone and I was just so glad to see him, but even I knew that I had to wake up at 7a, so I needed to go sleep, but no, not my boyfriend, he was getting drunk for free and didn't want to leave, well that was it. we walked home after the first bar closed at 1am. got in a big argument and he told me basically he hated me, well disliked me intently. and told me to F off a lot. he said he had had it and blah blah.......he was leaving to go back to the bar and I was to stay here and go to bed and be alone. Then he walked out, last thing I said to him, ludly was that I love you. I sat on the couch and waited for him. he got back at 2:30a. Super duper drunker than ever. He was the "old nutt" as the old days would call him.
asked me why I wasn't asleep, he stumbled and knocked into things, barely speak straight. didn't matter. he told me that he was tired of stuff and I told him to get away from me then, ask Roo if he would take him for a week or two, see what it would be like without me. bring your meds, but I won't call, you take them or not, you remember or not, act like an dult or not, you decide. Never got an answer, just stumbled and fell. said I was going to bed. then I followed, left a path, made sure he could get to the bathroom if he needed to and that was it.
I am feeling right now........not sure, anger? fear? lonliness? emptiness? broken inside? Just waiting for the bipolar to take me one way or the other, waiting for the ride to begin.....................
bpd_bipolar
04-10-2007, 12:47 PM
Yesterday........we had a couple hour talk. Actually I was calmed by my valium. We listened to one another. We told one another that we love one another and that we want things to work.
We set up some new rules so to speak. We are going to live together.....but seperately. As in do things for ourselves. We both kept saying how we are trying to make the other one happy that we are making ourselves miserable. lol, ironic.
So.......right now I am actually calmed a bit, but I did take an anxiety (valium) pill. I was a little depressed, but came up to just blah. No particular reason either. Just a blah day for me thus far, no one did anything.
Anyhow, he said how he bites his tongue to me, but I told him, I bite my tongue to him too. He makes me angry, I want to yell at him and it slips out at times, but I clean up after him all the time and I am treated like a maid when his friends are over and stuff. I don't like it. I have to act a certain way. Then I get my surge in my bipolar and either become so depressed I want to cry or I become manic and want to scream n yell. Not healthy for me.
So, we are now doing things differently.
I will lay down when I am tired, I will try to fall asleep without him in bed with me. Hopefully it will work, but on the night before doc appts., he will come to bed with me at the time I want to go to bed. We agreed on this. We go to the bar and I want to leave to go home, I can and lay down and go to bed, not sure if I can mange it because he won't be here, but I can try.
Oh k.........
It is a start.
Bipolar/BPd for me and his ADHD/Bipolar for him be damned, we take our meds and we work through this, we both want to be together for a long time, he said it and I did too. We can do this. Work through our diseases........
I feel a little depression hitting though, so I am going to go before I slide down lower here.
We set up some new rules so to speak. We are going to live together.....but seperately. As in do things for ourselves. We both kept saying how we are trying to make the other one happy that we are making ourselves miserable. lol, ironic.
So.......right now I am actually calmed a bit, but I did take an anxiety (valium) pill. I was a little depressed, but came up to just blah. No particular reason either. Just a blah day for me thus far, no one did anything.
Anyhow, he said how he bites his tongue to me, but I told him, I bite my tongue to him too. He makes me angry, I want to yell at him and it slips out at times, but I clean up after him all the time and I am treated like a maid when his friends are over and stuff. I don't like it. I have to act a certain way. Then I get my surge in my bipolar and either become so depressed I want to cry or I become manic and want to scream n yell. Not healthy for me.
So, we are now doing things differently.
I will lay down when I am tired, I will try to fall asleep without him in bed with me. Hopefully it will work, but on the night before doc appts., he will come to bed with me at the time I want to go to bed. We agreed on this. We go to the bar and I want to leave to go home, I can and lay down and go to bed, not sure if I can mange it because he won't be here, but I can try.
Oh k.........
It is a start.
Bipolar/BPd for me and his ADHD/Bipolar for him be damned, we take our meds and we work through this, we both want to be together for a long time, he said it and I did too. We can do this. Work through our diseases........
I feel a little depression hitting though, so I am going to go before I slide down lower here.
marshmallow
04-10-2007, 09:20 PM
I hope your doing better today. Thinking of you.
bpd_bipolar
04-11-2007, 12:44 PM
Today....I am a little annoyed, but getting over that. Just tired and hurting physically a bit. My back is always in pain, but it is stiffer today. Weather I gather.
things with the boyfriend and I are all right thus far. I think I was going to snap at him earlier, but I am not sure if I stopped before I did or not. I think I did. I know I wanted to get done online because all he does is get annoyed with me when I am online. He doesn't like when I am online. It is oh k for him to be online, but me....nope. I have to be as quick as possible.
My bipolar tells me to (emotional side) jump up and yell, but rational side says no, calmly say I am working as I can. I will done when I get done, I can only go so fast, especially when you have me log off to use the phone and then I had to shut the computer down for a problem we had with it.
Oh k, enter wise mind. The middle ground....rational and emotional mind together = wise mind.
I think I might of been a little snappy though, not sure.
anyhow, other than that , I think things are oh k. Who knows anymore. He came to bed with me because he chose to. It was a little weird, he was gone for 6 hours yesterday, I was alone. Took 4 valiums total all day long. anxiety badly. wasn't handling things well for some reason. don't know why.
then had to take a head ache pill (amitryptilyne)...sorry about the spelling.... later on. I didn't really eat dinner, but he ate at his buddy's house. I was pretty bummed, depressed, but I talked to myself. told myself it was oh k. I was oh k. BPD.Bipolar be damned. I got through it fine. some times are easier than others being alone. Some times I can't get enough alone time and then there are a few times where it feels like hell. Strange. VERY strange. Haven't figured it out yet.
things with the boyfriend and I are all right thus far. I think I was going to snap at him earlier, but I am not sure if I stopped before I did or not. I think I did. I know I wanted to get done online because all he does is get annoyed with me when I am online. He doesn't like when I am online. It is oh k for him to be online, but me....nope. I have to be as quick as possible.
My bipolar tells me to (emotional side) jump up and yell, but rational side says no, calmly say I am working as I can. I will done when I get done, I can only go so fast, especially when you have me log off to use the phone and then I had to shut the computer down for a problem we had with it.
Oh k, enter wise mind. The middle ground....rational and emotional mind together = wise mind.
I think I might of been a little snappy though, not sure.
anyhow, other than that , I think things are oh k. Who knows anymore. He came to bed with me because he chose to. It was a little weird, he was gone for 6 hours yesterday, I was alone. Took 4 valiums total all day long. anxiety badly. wasn't handling things well for some reason. don't know why.
then had to take a head ache pill (amitryptilyne)...sorry about the spelling.... later on. I didn't really eat dinner, but he ate at his buddy's house. I was pretty bummed, depressed, but I talked to myself. told myself it was oh k. I was oh k. BPD.Bipolar be damned. I got through it fine. some times are easier than others being alone. Some times I can't get enough alone time and then there are a few times where it feels like hell. Strange. VERY strange. Haven't figured it out yet.
bpd_bipolar
04-12-2007, 12:33 PM
Last night. We went to the bar, he had 1 22oz. beer. no problem, all is oh k. then we got back and he played his game on the computer. it was midnight, he asked, after I said I was going to lay down if I would mind if he went tot he bar, I said well honestly, if he went I would probably go with him, he siad, well forget it then, he wouldn't go. I said, is that ohk, are you sure. He said, yes, it is oh k, he is sure. No problem, well I get into bed and no sooner thna that at 12:20a, he goes to the bar. He lied to me. He says he isn't lying, but it was a freaking lie, sounds that way to me anyhow, said he wouldn't go, no problem, then boom, waits till I am in bed and then goes.
SO, I get up and after 10 minutes, I go to the bar. Not to yell or drag him home, but to just go and be there. He asked me what I was doing there. I said just came for a walk. saw it was pretty dead in here so came in. He was drinking. he said I was coming home atfer this drink, well it had been 20 minutes, so his telling me before he left that he would be gone real quick was a lie too.
We came home about 12:52am and I told him to NEVER tell me anything to the effect that he would be quick about anything to do with the bar or leaving me again. I hate liers. I hate drunks.
He got the point, but still said he didn't lie. I didn't want to fight, I never raised my voice, I said it lightly and quietly, I just said, well are you in for the night? Then waited for him, then went to bed.
I fwell asleep around 2am which means laundry got done not at all this week AGAIN. Tomorrow I have to go to a doc appt. in the morning, so it won't get done unless I get up at 6am.
I should make him come to bed with me at 9pm tonight.
SO, I get up and after 10 minutes, I go to the bar. Not to yell or drag him home, but to just go and be there. He asked me what I was doing there. I said just came for a walk. saw it was pretty dead in here so came in. He was drinking. he said I was coming home atfer this drink, well it had been 20 minutes, so his telling me before he left that he would be gone real quick was a lie too.
We came home about 12:52am and I told him to NEVER tell me anything to the effect that he would be quick about anything to do with the bar or leaving me again. I hate liers. I hate drunks.
He got the point, but still said he didn't lie. I didn't want to fight, I never raised my voice, I said it lightly and quietly, I just said, well are you in for the night? Then waited for him, then went to bed.
I fwell asleep around 2am which means laundry got done not at all this week AGAIN. Tomorrow I have to go to a doc appt. in the morning, so it won't get done unless I get up at 6am.
I should make him come to bed with me at 9pm tonight.
bpd_bipolar
04-13-2007, 01:53 PM
we went to bed at 10:15p. I fell out at midnight. I never got laundry done, but anyhow, my bipolar took over this morning badly.
I was yelling in the car, he was at home so it didn't matter that I was yelling and letting go of my anger. I am just so not on a good way today or in a good way today.
UGH, just gonna go.
I was yelling in the car, he was at home so it didn't matter that I was yelling and letting go of my anger. I am just so not on a good way today or in a good way today.
UGH, just gonna go.
marshmallow
04-13-2007, 09:56 PM
I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. I know it has to be hard dealing with the ups and downs but I know I cannot really imagine how hard it is. My thoughts are with you.
goody2shuz
04-13-2007, 10:27 PM
I also would like to tell you that I have been thinking about you. I am sorry that things are so tough. Did you talk to your pdoc about it and did he make any adjustments in your meds???
From the looks of it the stress of your BF's drinking and behavior seems to trigger yours. Perhaps if you just try to focus on you and allow him to focus on him it may be easier??!!:confused: I think he's a big boy and needs to assume responsibility for himself and then that will leave you able to focus on you.
I also think that if you were to do some things independent of your BF it would be a good thing for both of you. Is there something you could get involved in that might help??? What about attending a support group in your area....that way you may meet others who will understand some of what is going on and that will leave you less dependent on your BF. Just an idea I am throwing your way.
I hope you have a good weekend....I know that you don't look very much forward to them with all the visitors you have and the drinking/smoking that your BF does. But he needs to be able to control that and learn how to on his own....just don't become a co-dependent in the situation.
((((((HUGS))))))) ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
From the looks of it the stress of your BF's drinking and behavior seems to trigger yours. Perhaps if you just try to focus on you and allow him to focus on him it may be easier??!!:confused: I think he's a big boy and needs to assume responsibility for himself and then that will leave you able to focus on you.
I also think that if you were to do some things independent of your BF it would be a good thing for both of you. Is there something you could get involved in that might help??? What about attending a support group in your area....that way you may meet others who will understand some of what is going on and that will leave you less dependent on your BF. Just an idea I am throwing your way.
I hope you have a good weekend....I know that you don't look very much forward to them with all the visitors you have and the drinking/smoking that your BF does. But he needs to be able to control that and learn how to on his own....just don't become a co-dependent in the situation.
((((((HUGS))))))) ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
bpd_bipolar
04-14-2007, 12:54 PM
No sleep overs anymore...thankfully, so that isn't a problem and now, well I guess he is teaching me to stay up later.......but last night he only had 2 beers and one shot (well a double shot), but that was it, he wasn't drunka nd wasn't mean. All good. Some drunk chick bumped into me while I was standing and talking to some one...I almost threw her across the bar room, but I didn't, just took her arm and helped her a little roughly but she thought I was polite..... away from me. I wanted to throw her and beat the hell out of her.
Then I went (I was sittin gon the end of the booth and we were with other people that his friend worked with, so I volenteered to get drinks for them, a pop and a beer....can handle it), walked to the bar, talked to my boyfriends friend and he went to get the drinks and I gave him the money and all, well the drunk chick, same one was getting in some guys face and hit him and I was near her and she was violent and I was standing there, waiting for her to hit me, if she would of I would of beat the heck out of her. I wanted a reason to beat the drunk. Take all the anger for all the drunks that I hate so much and beat the heck out of one..................BUT, she walked towards the door and I was behind her, so I was out of the line of fire so to speak.
I went back to the booth and gave them their drinks and that was that. Told my boyfriend that was the drunk chick I almost threw across the bar floor when she bumped her drunk butt self into me. Her name was the same as his ex wife too. Just perfect.
But he was fine, not a problem with him at all. We crashed at 2 something and I finally fell out at 3a. Of course I am up at 7 something and he is just woke up now at noon. MUST BE NICE.
Then I went (I was sittin gon the end of the booth and we were with other people that his friend worked with, so I volenteered to get drinks for them, a pop and a beer....can handle it), walked to the bar, talked to my boyfriends friend and he went to get the drinks and I gave him the money and all, well the drunk chick, same one was getting in some guys face and hit him and I was near her and she was violent and I was standing there, waiting for her to hit me, if she would of I would of beat the heck out of her. I wanted a reason to beat the drunk. Take all the anger for all the drunks that I hate so much and beat the heck out of one..................BUT, she walked towards the door and I was behind her, so I was out of the line of fire so to speak.
I went back to the booth and gave them their drinks and that was that. Told my boyfriend that was the drunk chick I almost threw across the bar floor when she bumped her drunk butt self into me. Her name was the same as his ex wife too. Just perfect.
But he was fine, not a problem with him at all. We crashed at 2 something and I finally fell out at 3a. Of course I am up at 7 something and he is just woke up now at noon. MUST BE NICE.
bpd_bipolar
04-14-2007, 05:40 PM
Just sitting here for hours on end, alone. I have been rapid cycling horridly today. My boyfriend asked me earlier before I gave him a ride to his friends (he didn't feel like walking) what wa wrong with me. I told him. I can remember a silly, dumb few thigns I said to his friend verbatim a couple of days ago, but a simple thing I have done a few times over I can't remember how to do (back up my files on the computer).
I feel useless and I feel like others (his friend who openly makes me feel like an idiot in front of my boyfriend, who of course my boyfriend said that his friend does not do this) make me feel like an idiot because I repeat questions because I just can't grasp them after they are answered and shown to me how to do. I am just so depressed, then oh k, then I was even showing so much love for him on a **** today, then he snickered and I looked at him and asked him why he thought it was funny, then I said I know, I know it was to mushy........
UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just can't catch a break with my moods. I want to just curl up in a ball, but NO I am using my opposite to emotion here. I wonder if he;ll be back anytime soon, I have been tying up the phone line (we have dial up) for the past 3 hours being online as something to do. heh.......I have gotten so much done with getting pictures on my sites and stuff that he was mad about earlier this morning, but if he tried to call oh well, well I doubt he tried anyhow, he doesn't care.......but yes he does........damn bipolar/BPD. I want it to go away, I want us to be normal in the brain, to have what ever a normal relationship is.
WHY US???????????????????
Why can't we have the oh k without the screwed up diseased brains?????????????????????????????????? ??????????????????????????????????
I feel useless and I feel like others (his friend who openly makes me feel like an idiot in front of my boyfriend, who of course my boyfriend said that his friend does not do this) make me feel like an idiot because I repeat questions because I just can't grasp them after they are answered and shown to me how to do. I am just so depressed, then oh k, then I was even showing so much love for him on a **** today, then he snickered and I looked at him and asked him why he thought it was funny, then I said I know, I know it was to mushy........
UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just can't catch a break with my moods. I want to just curl up in a ball, but NO I am using my opposite to emotion here. I wonder if he;ll be back anytime soon, I have been tying up the phone line (we have dial up) for the past 3 hours being online as something to do. heh.......I have gotten so much done with getting pictures on my sites and stuff that he was mad about earlier this morning, but if he tried to call oh well, well I doubt he tried anyhow, he doesn't care.......but yes he does........damn bipolar/BPD. I want it to go away, I want us to be normal in the brain, to have what ever a normal relationship is.
WHY US???????????????????
Why can't we have the oh k without the screwed up diseased brains?????????????????????????????????? ??????????????????????????????????
bpd_bipolar
04-15-2007, 01:02 PM
Well, he came back just to leave 45 minutes later last night, but was only gone for a couple hours then we spent the rest of night alone. It was nice. Went to bed early. Had a couple of VERY nice times last ngiht.
It was ncie last night. Anyhow, today, I went from content to disappointed about a 'famous person'. It is just that this person told me how they are in it for their fans but obviously isn't, but I could of been the one bothering....who knows, I don't care actually anymore, I said my piece and that is it. So be it.
Oh k, well I am a bit up and down.
Off to end the online thing so he can go online. I am off to do my homework for my psych doc.
It was ncie last night. Anyhow, today, I went from content to disappointed about a 'famous person'. It is just that this person told me how they are in it for their fans but obviously isn't, but I could of been the one bothering....who knows, I don't care actually anymore, I said my piece and that is it. So be it.
Oh k, well I am a bit up and down.
Off to end the online thing so he can go online. I am off to do my homework for my psych doc.
bpd_bipolar
04-16-2007, 11:52 AM
oh k, have to go, but wanted to check in. lots of back pain......need to go with b-friend to do laundry. he is helping.....nice of him. last night really, really great with him.
umm, about it for now. bipolar, well getting manic.
umm, about it for now. bipolar, well getting manic.
bpd_bipolar
04-17-2007, 01:01 PM
Let's see.......he was gone for a while last night. about 6 hours. after the day of running and b.s. I had of manicness I had and so many rapid cycling moments, gather he deserved a break.....
anyhow, now, well now I am just in back pain and getting depressed.
the end..........for now anyhow.
anyhow, now, well now I am just in back pain and getting depressed.
the end..........for now anyhow.
bpd_bipolar
04-18-2007, 12:22 PM
Things were oh k..........he just seems so 'not in a good mood', I mean he is always about me on this computer, MY computer. now that yesterday we are getting broad band, he will be the one on here and I will lucky if I can use my own computer.
Iw ill be putting my foot down and telling him that I will using my own computer.
He will be paying the bill for the broad band. I told him that. straight out because he wanted it so badly, but it is still MY computer.
Anyhow, all morning, EVERY morning all I hear is I want to use the phone, wah wah, get off the computer so I can use the phone. when we get the broad band he can be on the phone while I am online. he will be happy about that.
Now he can just plan to leave me earlier. oh boy.
my bipolar is kicking me hard in the head today.
I am hitting depression hard here. I was oh k, then he woke up and I then hit bottom, well am hitting close to bottom for no apparent reason.
he hasn't said anything to me to make me do it either, I don't understand.
If anything I talk about how he is good. Well I guess I am going to go and do other stuff here so I can go eventually, but eventually........I am going to tell him to ***** off, I usually do. about MY COMPUTER anyhow. when he can afford his own, then he can tell me different.
my back hurts bad, he is crying and whining about using the phone which he talks dead and I am stuck not being able to talk to anyone I want to.that gets me angry......an a*s.
I am running on about 3 1/2 hrs. of sleep.
Not doing to well right now.
Iw ill be putting my foot down and telling him that I will using my own computer.
He will be paying the bill for the broad band. I told him that. straight out because he wanted it so badly, but it is still MY computer.
Anyhow, all morning, EVERY morning all I hear is I want to use the phone, wah wah, get off the computer so I can use the phone. when we get the broad band he can be on the phone while I am online. he will be happy about that.
Now he can just plan to leave me earlier. oh boy.
my bipolar is kicking me hard in the head today.
I am hitting depression hard here. I was oh k, then he woke up and I then hit bottom, well am hitting close to bottom for no apparent reason.
he hasn't said anything to me to make me do it either, I don't understand.
If anything I talk about how he is good. Well I guess I am going to go and do other stuff here so I can go eventually, but eventually........I am going to tell him to ***** off, I usually do. about MY COMPUTER anyhow. when he can afford his own, then he can tell me different.
my back hurts bad, he is crying and whining about using the phone which he talks dead and I am stuck not being able to talk to anyone I want to.that gets me angry......an a*s.
I am running on about 3 1/2 hrs. of sleep.
Not doing to well right now.
goody2shuz
04-18-2007, 01:33 PM
BP/BPD ~ I am worried about you. Seems that something has triggered a relapse in your Bipolar and that you should perhaps call your pdoc ASAP so that it doesn't get too bad. The quicker you address it the better.
I think that your living arrangements really add much unneeded stress which we all know is not good for BP. I think that drinking and smoking relieves your BF's stress and using the computer relieves yours. He seems to think that he can go ahead and drink/smoke (which I feel is a more negative way to channel stress) and you use the computer to find support here or write to relieve yours which is more positive. You must not allow him to take away something that allows you to relieve your stress in a positive way. There has to be a compromise.....perhaps you can have some type of designated times that the computer is yours to use picking times when you most need to relieve your stress. I think that is fair enough being that it is your computer and you are allowing him to use it.
Most importantly, you must get your sleep and find ways that you can channel your anger and frustration in positive ways. See if you can make a list of how you might be able to do that. Journaling, taking a walk, listening to music, doing some exercising, taking a warm bath/shower, are some things you can do.
I am sorry that things are not going well for you....you are somewhat in control as to whether they will get better or worse by working with your pdoc and tdoc to either adjust your meds or formulate some better coping strategies to help you through the rough points like you have now.
We are here for you and you are in my thoughts and prayers ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
I think that your living arrangements really add much unneeded stress which we all know is not good for BP. I think that drinking and smoking relieves your BF's stress and using the computer relieves yours. He seems to think that he can go ahead and drink/smoke (which I feel is a more negative way to channel stress) and you use the computer to find support here or write to relieve yours which is more positive. You must not allow him to take away something that allows you to relieve your stress in a positive way. There has to be a compromise.....perhaps you can have some type of designated times that the computer is yours to use picking times when you most need to relieve your stress. I think that is fair enough being that it is your computer and you are allowing him to use it.
Most importantly, you must get your sleep and find ways that you can channel your anger and frustration in positive ways. See if you can make a list of how you might be able to do that. Journaling, taking a walk, listening to music, doing some exercising, taking a warm bath/shower, are some things you can do.
I am sorry that things are not going well for you....you are somewhat in control as to whether they will get better or worse by working with your pdoc and tdoc to either adjust your meds or formulate some better coping strategies to help you through the rough points like you have now.
We are here for you and you are in my thoughts and prayers ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
marshmallow
04-19-2007, 08:26 AM
I am sorry to hear you are not doing well. I wish I had some magic words but I don't. Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you. I do think your relationship with your bf keeps you in turmoil and you should realize that. Take care of yourself.
bpd_bipolar
04-19-2007, 02:02 PM
Thanks guys. Just tired..not sure why I am not getting enough sleep here. this week has just been lack of sleep. Need to speak to the doc about the sleeping pill part I gather.......I can't get the extra Ambien (used to take 2 of them)....but insurance won't pay for them.
Anyhow.....just want to cry..........all I feel like doing is crying...nothing to do with my b-friend today, just tired, want to cry and hitting depression.
write later or tomorrow..
Anyhow.....just want to cry..........all I feel like doing is crying...nothing to do with my b-friend today, just tired, want to cry and hitting depression.
write later or tomorrow..
bpd_bipolar
04-20-2007, 12:01 PM
I think I got more sleep last night than I did the two nights before, but not much. I need to talk to psych doc and find out what is going on if there is something going on with the meds. Maybe they are wearing off or something.
I am just so tired lately. the only thing that has changed is me doing the whole thing after my b-firned got that whole drunk scene and we changed to his way of things and our relationship is better now. I mean I stikll have my little out bursts, but he is mroe tolerant and I stay up with him later and all is cool. I mean I can go to bed if I want, but I still can't fall asleep without him...I keep trying........it doesn't work......sucks really bad actually.
Last night I think he actually tried, but to no avail, he didn't catch any hints I was throwing and Iddin't want to be outright get the heck in bed right now or I will hurt you.
Anyhow, I just want this done with. Why can't he just go to bed with me like he used to and then Friday night be the night we stay up late. It was so much easier, but then I was in control..........he had none so to speak and that isn't right...............he wants to be a big boy, a man.........so I am going to teach him how to be.
Slow process..............just really tired, sarcasm coming off my fingers instead of out of my mouth that man got up at 8:55a. then laid back down after he made sure that I was on the computer. See, we got that dumb broad band thing HE wanted. Well I was on the phone 7 different imes all day and night with those people yesterday and I talke dwith 7 different people. I was the calm one. I want to get the money back and not be charged..........he was angry with me because I wouldn't let him talk to them. I told him, you will not be rational, I will. I was so close to tears, but held it together for the purpose of not being stuck with losing money, MY MONEY.
anyhow, so a tech is supposed to be here between 8a-5p of course we can't let him inside or we get charged. if they check the outside line and it is fine, then oh k. we tlel him thank you and he walks. We are not charged and then that is it, I call and say, please take this back.
Poof, b-friend sad again..........WAHHH, not my problem anymore and oh freaking well. Then all the crap I went through can go away, right??????? well he is back laying down because he got out of bed while I barely get any sleep ever. ahhh poor thing.
I want to just scream.
Wait, here I go talking about my relationship.....my bipolar is nuts and BPD is real bad here, but relationshiop talk, that will get you kicked away............
Sarcasm again.............just this diseased brain of mine.............just need to rant get it out...........needs to go some where, this is my release, my doc says it is good to have one and mine is writing. Well, I write, I mean I have note books and journals, I mean I type here and then I will write in a journal and then a notebook for my doc. same day, variations of same stuff kind of.
you guys, well most of you guys are real cool about things here......goody, mars.........you've been the constants, dee I saw you once, I can't remember the other supportive ones, but thanks anyhow.
oh k.......gonna go. depression will hit when I get the pain out.......some how.
some way..........................ahhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I am just so tired lately. the only thing that has changed is me doing the whole thing after my b-firned got that whole drunk scene and we changed to his way of things and our relationship is better now. I mean I stikll have my little out bursts, but he is mroe tolerant and I stay up with him later and all is cool. I mean I can go to bed if I want, but I still can't fall asleep without him...I keep trying........it doesn't work......sucks really bad actually.
Last night I think he actually tried, but to no avail, he didn't catch any hints I was throwing and Iddin't want to be outright get the heck in bed right now or I will hurt you.
Anyhow, I just want this done with. Why can't he just go to bed with me like he used to and then Friday night be the night we stay up late. It was so much easier, but then I was in control..........he had none so to speak and that isn't right...............he wants to be a big boy, a man.........so I am going to teach him how to be.
Slow process..............just really tired, sarcasm coming off my fingers instead of out of my mouth that man got up at 8:55a. then laid back down after he made sure that I was on the computer. See, we got that dumb broad band thing HE wanted. Well I was on the phone 7 different imes all day and night with those people yesterday and I talke dwith 7 different people. I was the calm one. I want to get the money back and not be charged..........he was angry with me because I wouldn't let him talk to them. I told him, you will not be rational, I will. I was so close to tears, but held it together for the purpose of not being stuck with losing money, MY MONEY.
anyhow, so a tech is supposed to be here between 8a-5p of course we can't let him inside or we get charged. if they check the outside line and it is fine, then oh k. we tlel him thank you and he walks. We are not charged and then that is it, I call and say, please take this back.
Poof, b-friend sad again..........WAHHH, not my problem anymore and oh freaking well. Then all the crap I went through can go away, right??????? well he is back laying down because he got out of bed while I barely get any sleep ever. ahhh poor thing.
I want to just scream.
Wait, here I go talking about my relationship.....my bipolar is nuts and BPD is real bad here, but relationshiop talk, that will get you kicked away............
Sarcasm again.............just this diseased brain of mine.............just need to rant get it out...........needs to go some where, this is my release, my doc says it is good to have one and mine is writing. Well, I write, I mean I have note books and journals, I mean I type here and then I will write in a journal and then a notebook for my doc. same day, variations of same stuff kind of.
you guys, well most of you guys are real cool about things here......goody, mars.........you've been the constants, dee I saw you once, I can't remember the other supportive ones, but thanks anyhow.
oh k.......gonna go. depression will hit when I get the pain out.......some how.
some way..........................ahhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
bpd_bipolar
04-21-2007, 12:55 PM
went to the bar last night. all oh k. then he went back, helped clean...oh k, no prob. then came back with 2 friends. not good. ended up staying up till 3:15a., well after they left then laid down at 3:45a. Fell out around 4 something am.
I was up at 8a. then fell back asleep till 10.
my body can't take this. he syas sorry for keeping me up. I told him for someone who says his gender has trouble apologizing, he sure says the words alot to me. he said nothing to that response of mine.
I physically can not handle this much mroe, I told him that. We talked yesterday and he siad to me that part of him hates to say it, but that he does want to leave at times, I said I have never held you here, you are free to go, I love you, I always will, know this, but you are free to leave, I understand, but you need to know, I have never had to deal with a bipolar/ADHD person so everytime I want to run away from you....I stand and deal with it. I write to get things out........he said also that I am the worst girlfriend he has ever had because all the other woman in his life had excuses of drinking or drugs, me, I have none.........he wakes and wonders what is it going to be today with me. what will I find wrong with the day today.
Today I told him, you know what, no need to guess today, today the problem is I am sick and tired of not being able to sleep more than 3 1/2 to 4 hours. there is today's problem and I got in the shower.
Also told him it makes you very emotionallly reactive if you get lack of sleep and a lot of other things too.
funny how he has bipolar and we are not experiencing the same symptoms.
oh well, he self medicates with drinking and drugs. he also takes his medications too though. ME, I take my scripts as prescribed and that is all. GO FIGURE, I go and do things right for a change and I am the one who suffers for everything.
I've given up so much now.
Oh yeah,. forgot.....................
THIS IS BIPOLAR/BPD feelings along with lack of sleep issues right now......just getting it all out so I don't do something stupid that I will regret.
that is what this forum is for, right???????? Come on guys, goody?? Marsh?????? help me here....................words of help, inspiration?????????
something??????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????
not leave him, I have no where to go. he has no where to go. I already know the whole he has the problem stuff, we haveall establishe this and I I am not being mean, I apologize if the words seem mean on the keyboard here, I am so exhausted here.................sooo tired, just need some sleep.
anyhow, just talk to me, I kep writing to myself here, come one, let me know how to get back my body of normalcy here. wait, ummm, normal sleep cycle???? something like that
I was up at 8a. then fell back asleep till 10.
my body can't take this. he syas sorry for keeping me up. I told him for someone who says his gender has trouble apologizing, he sure says the words alot to me. he said nothing to that response of mine.
I physically can not handle this much mroe, I told him that. We talked yesterday and he siad to me that part of him hates to say it, but that he does want to leave at times, I said I have never held you here, you are free to go, I love you, I always will, know this, but you are free to leave, I understand, but you need to know, I have never had to deal with a bipolar/ADHD person so everytime I want to run away from you....I stand and deal with it. I write to get things out........he said also that I am the worst girlfriend he has ever had because all the other woman in his life had excuses of drinking or drugs, me, I have none.........he wakes and wonders what is it going to be today with me. what will I find wrong with the day today.
Today I told him, you know what, no need to guess today, today the problem is I am sick and tired of not being able to sleep more than 3 1/2 to 4 hours. there is today's problem and I got in the shower.
Also told him it makes you very emotionallly reactive if you get lack of sleep and a lot of other things too.
funny how he has bipolar and we are not experiencing the same symptoms.
oh well, he self medicates with drinking and drugs. he also takes his medications too though. ME, I take my scripts as prescribed and that is all. GO FIGURE, I go and do things right for a change and I am the one who suffers for everything.
I've given up so much now.
Oh yeah,. forgot.....................
THIS IS BIPOLAR/BPD feelings along with lack of sleep issues right now......just getting it all out so I don't do something stupid that I will regret.
that is what this forum is for, right???????? Come on guys, goody?? Marsh?????? help me here....................words of help, inspiration?????????
something??????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????
not leave him, I have no where to go. he has no where to go. I already know the whole he has the problem stuff, we haveall establishe this and I I am not being mean, I apologize if the words seem mean on the keyboard here, I am so exhausted here.................sooo tired, just need some sleep.
anyhow, just talk to me, I kep writing to myself here, come one, let me know how to get back my body of normalcy here. wait, ummm, normal sleep cycle???? something like that
martavee
04-21-2007, 08:01 PM
Hi bpd_bipolar.
My heart aches for what you are going through right now. Before I found out that I have BP 2 I dated someone that was BP type 1. Our relationship was quite destructive/chaotic.
Because of his condition I had a had a hard time accepting I suffered from the same, albeit slightly different.
My most serious/recent relationship was with someone that has a family history of BP. I find it a bit odd I was attracted to these people with the same disorder before I knew I was affected myself. Once I decided to take responsibility for this he wasn't supportive at all. The point of this blurb is that you need someone that supports you in your wish to being better. He's not doing that.
I know where you are coming from about needing a normal cycle. Insomnia = my enemy.
It's good that you're getting out all your feelings here. I made a crass decision a few months ago in a manic? state where I ended a good three year relationship. Le sigh. I wish you the best of luck.
My heart aches for what you are going through right now. Before I found out that I have BP 2 I dated someone that was BP type 1. Our relationship was quite destructive/chaotic.
Because of his condition I had a had a hard time accepting I suffered from the same, albeit slightly different.
My most serious/recent relationship was with someone that has a family history of BP. I find it a bit odd I was attracted to these people with the same disorder before I knew I was affected myself. Once I decided to take responsibility for this he wasn't supportive at all. The point of this blurb is that you need someone that supports you in your wish to being better. He's not doing that.
I know where you are coming from about needing a normal cycle. Insomnia = my enemy.
It's good that you're getting out all your feelings here. I made a crass decision a few months ago in a manic? state where I ended a good three year relationship. Le sigh. I wish you the best of luck.
teresa2007
04-21-2007, 11:39 PM
Maybe you 2 need to separate for awhile, get your head together, get some sleep:yawn: Do something for you for a change! break this cycle.
I hate to see you suffering like this. :) Tee
I hate to see you suffering like this. :) Tee
seashells3
04-22-2007, 12:25 AM
HI,
I hope you are sleeping better. I am BP also since age 19 I am now 38. I take anti-pschic(mispelled) for sleeping it helps alot.Also sleepytime tea, can help.
I hope you are sleeping better. I am BP also since age 19 I am now 38. I take anti-pschic(mispelled) for sleeping it helps alot.Also sleepytime tea, can help.
seashells3
04-22-2007, 12:26 AM
:) :) HI,
I hope you are sleeping better. I am BP also since age 19 I am now 38. I take anti-pschic(mispelled) for sleeping it helps alot.Also sleepytime tea, can help. Maybe U can resaet your body clock my Dr told me to go to bed by 9. I try around midnight. Also if you can go walking in the daytime it will help get You tired. It is really not good for me when I stay up till 3. I hope things get better for you. I also PRAY alot.
I hope you are sleeping better. I am BP also since age 19 I am now 38. I take anti-pschic(mispelled) for sleeping it helps alot.Also sleepytime tea, can help. Maybe U can resaet your body clock my Dr told me to go to bed by 9. I try around midnight. Also if you can go walking in the daytime it will help get You tired. It is really not good for me when I stay up till 3. I hope things get better for you. I also PRAY alot.
marshmallow
04-22-2007, 08:29 AM
People tell me if I want to change things then I have to do things differently so maybe Tee was right about you separating for a while just to see things from a different view.Change is hard but often needed. I just see you struggling day after day and wish you could feel some peace. Thinking of you.
bpd_bipolar
04-22-2007, 12:41 PM
First I want to thank all of you that posted for me. I know that last post was majorly irratic and sarcastic at most points amongst pretty rude (to those who have mentioned relationship boards to me).
To those who do not know......I have a severe problem of sleeping without my boyfriend, I was married for 5 years and even though he worked swing shift, well I was having trouble sleeping without him in the bed as well. Hence sleping pills entering my life. so, I have been taking sleeping pills (with the exception of my pregnancies) for 9 years. I take my 1 ambien (10mg.) n 1 seroquel (25mg.), well my boyfriend has this thing where I shouldn't have to have him in bed with me to sleep, it aggravates him actually n for 4 years he has been coming to bed with me whnever I want to go to bed so I can sleep (around 10:30p - 11:30p), I did not know this was a horrid thing until we had it out about it and I found out how much it bothered him, well I gather I can't do it anymore, so now it my turn I gather for the 4 year torture test as I call it. The past week has been hell on my body because he knows that I could neevr lay down with people over, that is an agreeable fact, so if he wants to stay up and play his computer game till 3am, then oh k, no one here, I lay in bed and he is up,then oh k. I am in bed. fine.
PROBLEM........I lay there, can't fall asleep without him in that silly bed with me. I was so exhausted yesterday that I couldn't function well at all. I couldn't go get his script for his cholesterol or anything. I was dozing in and out on the couch all day, but people kept coming over all day. I was a zombie from the lack of sleep. I felt horrid, I barely ate and I was just icky feeling, well last night it was 10:35p and I laid down, figured Iw ould pass right out, took my sleeping pills, even took 2 seroquels to knock me out mroe. NOPE. He said he would be in.....12:30am hits and I said, Listen, you have kept me up all week, you are th reason I am like this, FIX IT.
He came to bed and what normally takes me an hour to fall out with him in bed took me 5 minutes as soon as he laid down.
I only got about 5-6 hours, but that is oh k....bettter than 3 1/2.
I was fine until I got married, then everything went down hill. got a dissolusion. then got with my now boyfriend. it is just all over with any indepedence I ever had. I used to work, sleep alone, do a lot. I was fine, but I was undiagnosed and running a little wild and partying, I am getting old, I am old in my eyes and my body can't take it now. Reg. doc says I am healthy all the tests say so.......but I feel like crap. run down because of his staying up late and his habits. I am the clean up crew for him and shopper and the taker care of.
I love him. he loves me, but is it really enough.?????????
To those who do not know......I have a severe problem of sleeping without my boyfriend, I was married for 5 years and even though he worked swing shift, well I was having trouble sleeping without him in the bed as well. Hence sleping pills entering my life. so, I have been taking sleeping pills (with the exception of my pregnancies) for 9 years. I take my 1 ambien (10mg.) n 1 seroquel (25mg.), well my boyfriend has this thing where I shouldn't have to have him in bed with me to sleep, it aggravates him actually n for 4 years he has been coming to bed with me whnever I want to go to bed so I can sleep (around 10:30p - 11:30p), I did not know this was a horrid thing until we had it out about it and I found out how much it bothered him, well I gather I can't do it anymore, so now it my turn I gather for the 4 year torture test as I call it. The past week has been hell on my body because he knows that I could neevr lay down with people over, that is an agreeable fact, so if he wants to stay up and play his computer game till 3am, then oh k, no one here, I lay in bed and he is up,then oh k. I am in bed. fine.
PROBLEM........I lay there, can't fall asleep without him in that silly bed with me. I was so exhausted yesterday that I couldn't function well at all. I couldn't go get his script for his cholesterol or anything. I was dozing in and out on the couch all day, but people kept coming over all day. I was a zombie from the lack of sleep. I felt horrid, I barely ate and I was just icky feeling, well last night it was 10:35p and I laid down, figured Iw ould pass right out, took my sleeping pills, even took 2 seroquels to knock me out mroe. NOPE. He said he would be in.....12:30am hits and I said, Listen, you have kept me up all week, you are th reason I am like this, FIX IT.
He came to bed and what normally takes me an hour to fall out with him in bed took me 5 minutes as soon as he laid down.
I only got about 5-6 hours, but that is oh k....bettter than 3 1/2.
I was fine until I got married, then everything went down hill. got a dissolusion. then got with my now boyfriend. it is just all over with any indepedence I ever had. I used to work, sleep alone, do a lot. I was fine, but I was undiagnosed and running a little wild and partying, I am getting old, I am old in my eyes and my body can't take it now. Reg. doc says I am healthy all the tests say so.......but I feel like crap. run down because of his staying up late and his habits. I am the clean up crew for him and shopper and the taker care of.
I love him. he loves me, but is it really enough.?????????
marshmallow
04-22-2007, 03:44 PM
Only you can decide if it is enough. (Love that is) Maybe you need more.
bpd_bipolar
04-23-2007, 12:27 PM
Last night was different, see everyday and night is different and I just never know what type of mood I will be in because of the rapid cycling and then what mood he will be in.
Guess it keeps it interesting...... ha?
Anyhow, a guy that I talk with that I went to high school with said to me last night you don't sound so good, I said yeah, lack of sleep thing and he said you sound like you're losing your mind, I said I just needed to vent and he said that you sound like you need to be away and I said, well I just need to get away for a minute here, but I just feel like I have to live up to something I may not be............I don't know anymore.
Maybe I am just confused.
Who know's............
I saw Roo last night and I was happy though. He makes me happy, when I see him. he is a person that I like to see, I can hug him and he hugs me. He gives me kisses on the cheeks and just lets me hug out my problems. he and my old man go way, way back. all is good with that don't think that there is a "cheating" thing there, there isn't.
Roo just makes me feel better even though he drinks horridly, he got out of the other drugs and that is a good thing, he has a girlfriend now and he is happy, but lives about 45 min. away from us now. don't see him much, but when I manage to, I just want to hold him to hug out my problems and it seems to work nicely. Roo understands and I think he talks to my old man and gets through my old man's thick skull at times............(that my old man doesn't listen to me). a guy thing, you know. Anyhow, Roo is MY friend and I have known him over 4 years when old man I got together when I was introduced, Roo n I automatically got along. Like I said he is a heavy drinker, but he is such a great guy. Nice to see him once in a while and he just makes me feel better. He makes me smile and takes my problems away with a good hug..............
to me, my old man should be able to do that...........THAT IS WHAT is weird.
oh well.
Guess it keeps it interesting...... ha?
Anyhow, a guy that I talk with that I went to high school with said to me last night you don't sound so good, I said yeah, lack of sleep thing and he said you sound like you're losing your mind, I said I just needed to vent and he said that you sound like you need to be away and I said, well I just need to get away for a minute here, but I just feel like I have to live up to something I may not be............I don't know anymore.
Maybe I am just confused.
Who know's............
I saw Roo last night and I was happy though. He makes me happy, when I see him. he is a person that I like to see, I can hug him and he hugs me. He gives me kisses on the cheeks and just lets me hug out my problems. he and my old man go way, way back. all is good with that don't think that there is a "cheating" thing there, there isn't.
Roo just makes me feel better even though he drinks horridly, he got out of the other drugs and that is a good thing, he has a girlfriend now and he is happy, but lives about 45 min. away from us now. don't see him much, but when I manage to, I just want to hold him to hug out my problems and it seems to work nicely. Roo understands and I think he talks to my old man and gets through my old man's thick skull at times............(that my old man doesn't listen to me). a guy thing, you know. Anyhow, Roo is MY friend and I have known him over 4 years when old man I got together when I was introduced, Roo n I automatically got along. Like I said he is a heavy drinker, but he is such a great guy. Nice to see him once in a while and he just makes me feel better. He makes me smile and takes my problems away with a good hug..............
to me, my old man should be able to do that...........THAT IS WHAT is weird.
oh well.
goody2shuz
04-23-2007, 12:41 PM
Hi, BPD/BP ~ I am sorry that I was not here when you were going through such a rough time. I was away with my brother who is very sick spending some time with him.
Anyway....from reading your posts it seems to me that you are a bit too dependent on your BF and perhaps others to make you feel good. You need to work on being able to see that nobody should become your source of happiness and that it all comes from within once you develop good self worth. You may need to work on that some more and as your confidence gets better and stronger you will be able to feel a little bit better about things.
I must admit....it sounds like in between the lines you are saying that your BF is not as supportive as he should be and he probably isn't. He probably is incapable of that being that he has his own share of issues to deal with. I think that you should work on being able to independently manage your BP/BPD because in the end that is what you should be able to do. Being dependent upon somebody often becomes draining and also inhibits the growth that you need to develop. I know that men really dislike somebody who is clingy and are more attracted to somebody who is self confident and able to stand on their own. I just saw a recent Dr. Phil and he said that it is very unhealthy when a relationship denies a person to grow individually and becomes focused upon being dependent upon the other for happiness or identity. You need to identify yourself separate from your BF....that is so very important. Otherwise you are just an extension of him......the best you can be for one another is your own being with your own interests and your own set of strengths.
I don't mean to say anything that may offend you but I think that you need to make it your priority to look at YOU and work on YOU instead of seeing you and your BF as needing to fix one another. The best support you can give one another is to focus upon what you need to individually work on otherwise you will forever be living as an extension of one another rather than two separate people who compliment one another.
I hope this makes sense.
Thinking of you ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
Anyway....from reading your posts it seems to me that you are a bit too dependent on your BF and perhaps others to make you feel good. You need to work on being able to see that nobody should become your source of happiness and that it all comes from within once you develop good self worth. You may need to work on that some more and as your confidence gets better and stronger you will be able to feel a little bit better about things.
I must admit....it sounds like in between the lines you are saying that your BF is not as supportive as he should be and he probably isn't. He probably is incapable of that being that he has his own share of issues to deal with. I think that you should work on being able to independently manage your BP/BPD because in the end that is what you should be able to do. Being dependent upon somebody often becomes draining and also inhibits the growth that you need to develop. I know that men really dislike somebody who is clingy and are more attracted to somebody who is self confident and able to stand on their own. I just saw a recent Dr. Phil and he said that it is very unhealthy when a relationship denies a person to grow individually and becomes focused upon being dependent upon the other for happiness or identity. You need to identify yourself separate from your BF....that is so very important. Otherwise you are just an extension of him......the best you can be for one another is your own being with your own interests and your own set of strengths.
I don't mean to say anything that may offend you but I think that you need to make it your priority to look at YOU and work on YOU instead of seeing you and your BF as needing to fix one another. The best support you can give one another is to focus upon what you need to individually work on otherwise you will forever be living as an extension of one another rather than two separate people who compliment one another.
I hope this makes sense.
Thinking of you ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
bpd_bipolar
04-24-2007, 11:46 AM
I hear ya......actually I am trying to find out who I actually am.......
I do thank you for not being afraid so to speak to tell me that though.
Doc and I are working on it, just takes a lot of time, especially when you've been a part of something for over 9 years, I mean the whole wife thing and then the mom thing and then the girlfriend thing..........you know.......I hold inside the mom thing and I have to learn how to let that down and put it away.............all that stuff.
Anyhow, I hear ya and thank you.
Doesn't mean just because today is an oh k day thus far I won't break in about 30 seconds after I hit post....BUT right now I can understand.
:)
I do thank you for not being afraid so to speak to tell me that though.
Doc and I are working on it, just takes a lot of time, especially when you've been a part of something for over 9 years, I mean the whole wife thing and then the mom thing and then the girlfriend thing..........you know.......I hold inside the mom thing and I have to learn how to let that down and put it away.............all that stuff.
Anyhow, I hear ya and thank you.
Doesn't mean just because today is an oh k day thus far I won't break in about 30 seconds after I hit post....BUT right now I can understand.
:)
goody2shuz
04-24-2007, 12:13 PM
Good for YOU, BP/BPD (BTW we have to find a better name for you because we shouldn't refer to you by your disorders....there is sooo much more to you than that;) ) I am glad that you and your therapist are working on finding you.....it sounds like you have become an extension of your roles in life but not your own entity. You must find yourself and learn to be true to yourself before you can be a part of anything else....if you don't have a self to bring to somebody else it isn't good or healthy or wholesome.
You need to see yourself outside of your disorder as well. You have BP/BPD but you are not BP/BPD. You need to come to that realization and accept your disorders but don't identify yourself by them. So a good start would be for me to start calling you Butterfly....I pick that because you are emerging from a cocoon soon to become a beautiful butterfly.:blob_fire
So.....it's time to work on YOU. You need to be able to sleep on your own even if you get yourself a big stuffed animal at first....do not depend on your BF for sleep.....you have to be able to get the sleep that you need alone. So starting tonight you need to establish a bedtime for yourself. I say by 9:30-10pm you should be in bed. Can you do that???
Let's work on that for now.....going to bed at the same time each night and getting some good sleep. Sleep is sooo important to stability and you need to accept that as part of taking care of yourself and maintaining your stability.
We will talk some more....but for now work on sleep. Okay??? You can do it....I KNOW you can.:)
Love ~ Goody :angel: :wave:
You need to see yourself outside of your disorder as well. You have BP/BPD but you are not BP/BPD. You need to come to that realization and accept your disorders but don't identify yourself by them. So a good start would be for me to start calling you Butterfly....I pick that because you are emerging from a cocoon soon to become a beautiful butterfly.:blob_fire
So.....it's time to work on YOU. You need to be able to sleep on your own even if you get yourself a big stuffed animal at first....do not depend on your BF for sleep.....you have to be able to get the sleep that you need alone. So starting tonight you need to establish a bedtime for yourself. I say by 9:30-10pm you should be in bed. Can you do that???
Let's work on that for now.....going to bed at the same time each night and getting some good sleep. Sleep is sooo important to stability and you need to accept that as part of taking care of yourself and maintaining your stability.
We will talk some more....but for now work on sleep. Okay??? You can do it....I KNOW you can.:)
Love ~ Goody :angel: :wave:
bpd_bipolar
04-25-2007, 11:45 AM
Oh k....first, please don't call me butterfly.........if you need to call me something other than my screen name here, then just call me vamp. that is my nickname from god knows how many years back. you know, I can't even remember who gave it to me anymore, but it just stuck and it is what it is..........ty though for the thought. :)
Next.......been trying the sleep thing. boyfriend and I (it is part of our talk we had back when the whole thing happened) are doing that thing. I still can't sleep without him, I lay there. I keep trying, it still doesn't work. I refuse to eat more pills to sleep so I can just pass out. Isn't safe for me and I am not going to jeapordize my health for anything or anyone. (I know you're not asking me to.............PLEASE don't think I am being rude here, just SO TIRED, fell alseep finally at 1am and up at 4:19a then at 5 then at 7 then at 8:25a then got out of bed at 8:39a).
Anyhow, so I am trying.....just not working, not yet anyhow.
See, I do try things here. old man knows I try. It just isn't easy. you know, I keep blaming the fact I got married and all that part of my life with the kids and hubby. If that part of my life didn't happen (which I mean really, look now, it ends up being like it never did), then I wouldn't be like this.
So, in the end, I have nothing to show for it except a totally *****ed up co-dependency on a boyfriend who is b-polar and ADHD who needs me as much as I need him, but wants his freedom of movement and I am a convenience, but he loves me............UGH.
Next.......been trying the sleep thing. boyfriend and I (it is part of our talk we had back when the whole thing happened) are doing that thing. I still can't sleep without him, I lay there. I keep trying, it still doesn't work. I refuse to eat more pills to sleep so I can just pass out. Isn't safe for me and I am not going to jeapordize my health for anything or anyone. (I know you're not asking me to.............PLEASE don't think I am being rude here, just SO TIRED, fell alseep finally at 1am and up at 4:19a then at 5 then at 7 then at 8:25a then got out of bed at 8:39a).
Anyhow, so I am trying.....just not working, not yet anyhow.
See, I do try things here. old man knows I try. It just isn't easy. you know, I keep blaming the fact I got married and all that part of my life with the kids and hubby. If that part of my life didn't happen (which I mean really, look now, it ends up being like it never did), then I wouldn't be like this.
So, in the end, I have nothing to show for it except a totally *****ed up co-dependency on a boyfriend who is b-polar and ADHD who needs me as much as I need him, but wants his freedom of movement and I am a convenience, but he loves me............UGH.
bpd_bipolar
04-25-2007, 09:22 PM
Hello.........oh k, so I am here. Sitting and typing on the computer of which I have the faster hitng here dsl or broad band whatever u want to call it, broad band technically.
I am tired, we napped actually and then we woke up after about an 1 - 2 hour nap for us and I said that I was so beat and he said that he was beat and then I told him if he would just go to bed normally and not stay up during the night and sleep all day long then he would be fine. that his body wouldn't be al messed up. I have stuff to do during the day and he has nothing and that screws me up, not him, so it makes no sense. He needs to just go to bed normally with me and then he would be fine. Then I could get normal sleep and I would be oh k and get stuff done and he would feel better and all that stuff.
Anyhow........so, he just walked away and didn't finish the conversation, but he didn't storm out or anything he went and was going to cook dinner, but still, he never finished the conversation.
Just annoying.
Right now he is at his friends.
Me, I have been sitting here, online just going around the net, doing anything I please online because I can. I will watch a tape of my soaps (all 15 minutes of them that is on the tape when I feel up to it). After that I have a phone call to make and that is pretty much it. He will get home when ever and not much else.
I'm tired. I can lay down, but it doesn't matter becuase if he comes back, he will bring someone back with him and if I actually manage to fall out, then I will just be awoken by the noise.
*Sigh*.
I need to do laundry.....it doesn't matter to him. See if he needed things done, then it would, but since nothing seems to, then it doesn't. I asked him in my daily email if he would go to bed with me tonight around 10:30p or 10:45p. Let us see if he does. I am up and down on my cycling with the BPD/bi-polar right now, but oh well............we'll see.
I am tired, we napped actually and then we woke up after about an 1 - 2 hour nap for us and I said that I was so beat and he said that he was beat and then I told him if he would just go to bed normally and not stay up during the night and sleep all day long then he would be fine. that his body wouldn't be al messed up. I have stuff to do during the day and he has nothing and that screws me up, not him, so it makes no sense. He needs to just go to bed normally with me and then he would be fine. Then I could get normal sleep and I would be oh k and get stuff done and he would feel better and all that stuff.
Anyhow........so, he just walked away and didn't finish the conversation, but he didn't storm out or anything he went and was going to cook dinner, but still, he never finished the conversation.
Just annoying.
Right now he is at his friends.
Me, I have been sitting here, online just going around the net, doing anything I please online because I can. I will watch a tape of my soaps (all 15 minutes of them that is on the tape when I feel up to it). After that I have a phone call to make and that is pretty much it. He will get home when ever and not much else.
I'm tired. I can lay down, but it doesn't matter becuase if he comes back, he will bring someone back with him and if I actually manage to fall out, then I will just be awoken by the noise.
*Sigh*.
I need to do laundry.....it doesn't matter to him. See if he needed things done, then it would, but since nothing seems to, then it doesn't. I asked him in my daily email if he would go to bed with me tonight around 10:30p or 10:45p. Let us see if he does. I am up and down on my cycling with the BPD/bi-polar right now, but oh well............we'll see.
goody2shuz
04-26-2007, 12:59 AM
Vamp;) ~ I sure hope that you got some better sleep tonight and wake up all refreshed in the morning. I know that you are trying to help your BF with his sleep schedule but he is going to have to figure that out for himself....it's time for you to figure out a way to sleep without depending on HIM. I know...it isn't easy but you have got to keep on trying. I don't expect you to take more meds but perhaps one of your meds times can be changed to help you out. Do your think that one of them is keeping you up or you can take one closer to the time you go to bed so that it helps you out???? Also, there is a natural supplement called Melatonin that is a chemical your body produces to help with sleep that you can take to help out and it is okay to take with your meds because I checked it out with my daughter's pdoc and he said it is okay. It can be found in the vitamin section of your drug store and comes in 1mg and 3mg tablets. I took it myself to check it out and started with taking a half of a 3mg tablet. That seemed to work well enough and the good thing is that I was asleep within 20 minutes and didn't wake up groggy or anything. So you may want to give it a try.
Well...I just wanted to check in to tell your that I am thinking about you and hoping that tomorrow you will wake up to a good day.
Love ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
Well...I just wanted to check in to tell your that I am thinking about you and hoping that tomorrow you will wake up to a good day.
Love ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
bpd_bipolar
04-26-2007, 11:56 AM
Thanks.
I still waited up for him, then he got here late of course.......total disregard for anything I said in my email.......I don't know, maybe this just isn't right, maybe this isn't for me, my self.
Again, my best time was un-medicated and un-treated/diagnosed and just working second shifts at a job I loved doing (monitoring alarms) and being independent. BUT I know I NEED to be medicated and NEED to have my doc and all that stuff, so that won't change. I just need to figure things out.
I can swear all I want that the old man is my soulmate, but unless something changes here, maybe I have to love him enough to let him go for my sake because if not I am going to end up hurting someone and I can't back slide more than I have for myself.
Love sucks some times.
Oh well. Not much else to do........except the laundry that never seems to get done....one more day here.
I still waited up for him, then he got here late of course.......total disregard for anything I said in my email.......I don't know, maybe this just isn't right, maybe this isn't for me, my self.
Again, my best time was un-medicated and un-treated/diagnosed and just working second shifts at a job I loved doing (monitoring alarms) and being independent. BUT I know I NEED to be medicated and NEED to have my doc and all that stuff, so that won't change. I just need to figure things out.
I can swear all I want that the old man is my soulmate, but unless something changes here, maybe I have to love him enough to let him go for my sake because if not I am going to end up hurting someone and I can't back slide more than I have for myself.
Love sucks some times.
Oh well. Not much else to do........except the laundry that never seems to get done....one more day here.
bpd_bipolar
04-27-2007, 10:17 AM
Well, last night, it was quite amusing as I pretty much gave up on being nice about things and just plain stopped. I have been trying like crazy to be adjusting to all these new things we are trying and I just said you know what....I've been doing my part, you can see that, please come to bed. It is 10:08p. Please just come to bed. I mean we didn't end up gong to sleep until around 11 something anyhow, but we were in bed and that is what mattered and I have the laundry in and I will be going to switch it to the dryer in a little bit here and then grabbing our topamax and then getting milk and the stuff I used to do in the mornings before I got all derailed.
See, I actually stopped doing for him, and said a little bit of my own words and he just pretty much saw it..........
anyhow, have to get moving, even with broad band..........
back hurts like crazy...of course lifting a full...real full clothes basket will do that to you....................I just hope he stays in bed through this whole thing.
See, I actually stopped doing for him, and said a little bit of my own words and he just pretty much saw it..........
anyhow, have to get moving, even with broad band..........
back hurts like crazy...of course lifting a full...real full clothes basket will do that to you....................I just hope he stays in bed through this whole thing.
bpd_bipolar
04-28-2007, 11:33 AM
*sigh*, well, it was Friday night last night and we crashed at 2a. I fell out at 2:30a and got up at 6a. (=3 1/2 sleep).
He was on the computer. Not from drinking........that is a good thing, actually since they put cameras in the bar.........YAY cameras..........not drinking, barely at all. I am so happy about that. like I got some magical wish answered or something.
NOW it is the computer, SO I look for something though??? I mean honestly here guys.........do I look for things???
I got the laundry and stuff done yesterday so that is all good, but now I am running barely and so darn tired....but maybe my body witll just get used to it???? Who knows.
We talked about it last night, trying to figure out why I can be on the couch druing the day and doze a little while he is on the computer and me in the livingroom. I know in my brain he is in here and I am in there. But at night, it's like a switch flips and I have to have him there in bed with me. Something just clicks over.
Anyhow, my bipolar hasn't flipped out yet. I hope it doesn't. I am trying real hard to stay mellow right now, no reason to flip out. no stressors yet. Nothing. He just got up. I've been up.
So far, so good........Hope it stays this way. PLEASE....just no triggers today.
He was on the computer. Not from drinking........that is a good thing, actually since they put cameras in the bar.........YAY cameras..........not drinking, barely at all. I am so happy about that. like I got some magical wish answered or something.
NOW it is the computer, SO I look for something though??? I mean honestly here guys.........do I look for things???
I got the laundry and stuff done yesterday so that is all good, but now I am running barely and so darn tired....but maybe my body witll just get used to it???? Who knows.
We talked about it last night, trying to figure out why I can be on the couch druing the day and doze a little while he is on the computer and me in the livingroom. I know in my brain he is in here and I am in there. But at night, it's like a switch flips and I have to have him there in bed with me. Something just clicks over.
Anyhow, my bipolar hasn't flipped out yet. I hope it doesn't. I am trying real hard to stay mellow right now, no reason to flip out. no stressors yet. Nothing. He just got up. I've been up.
So far, so good........Hope it stays this way. PLEASE....just no triggers today.
marshmallow
04-29-2007, 10:47 AM
While I understand you wanting him in bed when you go to bed you cannot control a grown mans bedtime. I feel like your life revolves around him too much and that is not really healthy for either of you. What else do you do together besides the bar? Do you take walks, shop, go out to eat, go on picnics, etc? I am not being critical but I know what can happen when a women's life revolves around a man. You can lose who you are and just try to please them all the time. I wish you well.
bpd_bipolar
04-29-2007, 12:30 PM
Actually, he pretty much goes to his friend's house. He'll walk (I am the one with the license and it's my car). I am the one who will stay in if I chose or I will be the one who runs out by myself. I have to practically pull his teeth to get him to leave with me unless it is to go to a doctor's appt. (which I make them for both of us, because we see the same doc's, so the appts. are at the same times or like for our psych docs, I see the doc for an hour, then he goes in next for 1/2 hr.). That is it.
We might see a movie, but we really can't afford to go out and do anything.
The bar is something we walk to and now that they have camera's in there he can't drink for free!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!! (hey, I will be happy about it for a long time now!!!! but his friend now gives him chips, which can get him free drinks)
Anyhow, back to what I was saying here. Point is we walk there and that is it. We are in the house together, but in seperate rooms at what seems to be 1/2 the day, if he is here.
So.......I don't think we spend as much time as people think we do really. Something is just hard wired in my brain that I have to have him in my bed to sleep. He came to bed at midnight 09 for me last night so I could get some sleep. I put my foot down actually and I am going to have to do that from time to time I gather.
I am trying to fall asleep on my own........sucks that I can't but maybe if I keep at it, I will be able to. Who knows?? Can only try, that is all.
Anyhow.....hope I answered the question and didn't ramble off the subject or anything.........lol.
We might see a movie, but we really can't afford to go out and do anything.
The bar is something we walk to and now that they have camera's in there he can't drink for free!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!! (hey, I will be happy about it for a long time now!!!! but his friend now gives him chips, which can get him free drinks)
Anyhow, back to what I was saying here. Point is we walk there and that is it. We are in the house together, but in seperate rooms at what seems to be 1/2 the day, if he is here.
So.......I don't think we spend as much time as people think we do really. Something is just hard wired in my brain that I have to have him in my bed to sleep. He came to bed at midnight 09 for me last night so I could get some sleep. I put my foot down actually and I am going to have to do that from time to time I gather.
I am trying to fall asleep on my own........sucks that I can't but maybe if I keep at it, I will be able to. Who knows?? Can only try, that is all.
Anyhow.....hope I answered the question and didn't ramble off the subject or anything.........lol.
marshmallow
04-29-2007, 01:18 PM
My husband and I are separated and he always says that the part he cannot take is sleeping alone. He says he needs someone there so maybe your not the only one that feels that way but because of his behavior we had to separate.
I don't know much about bars but what does a camera have to do with drinking free?
I don't know much about bars but what does a camera have to do with drinking free?
bpd_bipolar
04-29-2007, 09:56 PM
Well, at the bar, my old man's friend gave him free drinks. We don't have the money to spend, so he would have to drink for free, hence him getting drunk (me not liking the drinking/drunks)......well his friend would keep giving him drink after drink after drink....(you get the point), well the cameras monitor everything there, so no one can give out drinks or do anything illegal like that. The person would lose their job.
So, he can't get free drinks now and therefore does not drink........which is a good thing for me.......his friend will once in a while give him a chip (he will come over and do it at our place), which a chip is basically a free drink pass to use at the bar in place of money, so you hand it to any bartender and they have to give you a free drink....but it is legal to do.......so therefore, nothing illegal is happening and everything is above board.
He drinks a lot less and a lot less often. Works for me.
That is why I am in a better mood about it.
Point being, the drinking is a better thing now and now all him and I have to figure out is the sleeping thing. I did take a cat nap on and off for about an hour today on the couch while he was in the office this afternoon, so that was a good thing........but, what are you gonna do.
So, he can't get free drinks now and therefore does not drink........which is a good thing for me.......his friend will once in a while give him a chip (he will come over and do it at our place), which a chip is basically a free drink pass to use at the bar in place of money, so you hand it to any bartender and they have to give you a free drink....but it is legal to do.......so therefore, nothing illegal is happening and everything is above board.
He drinks a lot less and a lot less often. Works for me.
That is why I am in a better mood about it.
Point being, the drinking is a better thing now and now all him and I have to figure out is the sleeping thing. I did take a cat nap on and off for about an hour today on the couch while he was in the office this afternoon, so that was a good thing........but, what are you gonna do.
marshmallow
04-30-2007, 08:28 AM
I get it now. I didn't know the friend that gave him drinks worked at the bar. Maybe things will be better with him not drinking. I hope so for your sake. Take a teddy bear to bed with you. lol just joking and sorry because it may not be funny to you. I know how you feel about going to bed without him.
leomia
04-30-2007, 11:04 AM
Bpd, I can totally relate.
I am BP, and not that it really matters because what I am going to say I think I would feel if I wasn't.
My hubby would drink and drink all the time. He has cut down significantly but now its the computer games. SO I am still all alone.
And we also have NO money to hang out and do things together. I cant get him to hang out with me. We could take a walk or a picnic when its nice, but last time we had a picnic he insisted on getting wine all the time and we spent way too much and did not have enough for food that month. It really is that tight.
So now its the games, and he has to be coming back to bed all hrs of the night. I also need him there to fall asleep at the very least you are supposed to give your wife some attention ya know?
Well that part of my life barely exists because I feel like he doesnt care if it does. (what kind of guy thinks that?)
and I have these talks with him and he seems so understanding and willing to change or help me out in whatever i need then the next day says, I never said that!
Its so confusing and an emotional roller coaster.
I know I am hard to live with but at least keep your word, ya know?
well I guess we are similar in that respect. I am glad the bar got cameras for its sake as well as yours!
But you guys need to do things to hang out together to improve the relationship - we all need that in relationships. so when money is tight time to be creative but you need that other person who is 50% of it to do their part.
very frustrating I know!
good luck!
Hang in there
:angel:
I am BP, and not that it really matters because what I am going to say I think I would feel if I wasn't.
My hubby would drink and drink all the time. He has cut down significantly but now its the computer games. SO I am still all alone.
And we also have NO money to hang out and do things together. I cant get him to hang out with me. We could take a walk or a picnic when its nice, but last time we had a picnic he insisted on getting wine all the time and we spent way too much and did not have enough for food that month. It really is that tight.
So now its the games, and he has to be coming back to bed all hrs of the night. I also need him there to fall asleep at the very least you are supposed to give your wife some attention ya know?
Well that part of my life barely exists because I feel like he doesnt care if it does. (what kind of guy thinks that?)
and I have these talks with him and he seems so understanding and willing to change or help me out in whatever i need then the next day says, I never said that!
Its so confusing and an emotional roller coaster.
I know I am hard to live with but at least keep your word, ya know?
well I guess we are similar in that respect. I am glad the bar got cameras for its sake as well as yours!
But you guys need to do things to hang out together to improve the relationship - we all need that in relationships. so when money is tight time to be creative but you need that other person who is 50% of it to do their part.
very frustrating I know!
good luck!
Hang in there
:angel:
bpd_bipolar
04-30-2007, 11:43 AM
Marsh- things are open with us, I mean we communicate. we talk all the time. one of our good things, you know. I mean I kind of instilled that and even though some times he doesn't like it, I push it and he does follow the lead if I do it the right way. We communicate every day......... just think we mght of actually figured something out last ngiht, but I think I might of screwed up things again though, not sure. I mean I think I twisted things back to where I am controlling him again.........not my intention. I don't want to be the 'mom', I want to be the girlfriend, that is who I am. I am not going to be the door mat though. I felt like that last night. I want to smack him for acting like he did and I can't, but doesn't mean I can't "not feel it inside". just teh bipolar/plus the way he acts like a kid. go figure............anyhow, at a few points I am the one starts to think, money or love, which one do I want to deal with more..........I chose love over money.......left my hubby, even though our marriage was pretty gone. but thought love was mroe important to me and now look at me. gee, how happy am I (feel the sarcasm). anyhow, thanks for the words.
Leomia- U n I......well we have our similarities with both the bar n the computer games. Don't get me wrong, there is no constant drunk, but it was drunk once in a while and now it is computer 97% of the time. the ******* page of his. not doing anything wrong on there, just loves the darn thing. counts his bands on there, wants to see how many bands add him and every second he is checking to see if a friend is adding him. literally. he will sit here and stare. Nice life. He will leave as said in before this post by me, check that post out.
Anyhow, I feel the headache creeping in now. Nothing u guys did, just me, my body. bipolar now comes with lovley side effects........starting to wonder if I have something more than a small brain inside of my head growing.......kind of scares me from all the emotions that get pent up.
Leomia- U n I......well we have our similarities with both the bar n the computer games. Don't get me wrong, there is no constant drunk, but it was drunk once in a while and now it is computer 97% of the time. the ******* page of his. not doing anything wrong on there, just loves the darn thing. counts his bands on there, wants to see how many bands add him and every second he is checking to see if a friend is adding him. literally. he will sit here and stare. Nice life. He will leave as said in before this post by me, check that post out.
Anyhow, I feel the headache creeping in now. Nothing u guys did, just me, my body. bipolar now comes with lovley side effects........starting to wonder if I have something more than a small brain inside of my head growing.......kind of scares me from all the emotions that get pent up.
leomia
04-30-2007, 12:11 PM
Bpd,
well definitely dont be a door mat. you have to say what draws the line. Marsh knows! And you will feel better because of it. Someone has to stick up for you. Can you tell him how annoyed you feel with no attention? I mean your not even married yet (if you ever wanted to be whatever...) and already your not hanging out and doing fun stuff that couples do. I guess for me I felt like I had more fun before I got married , in the sense that we hung out and did stuff. Now its so pathetic. I love him and its not his fault he is a computer geek. He is playing games online with other people around the world and I tried to act interested I did, (only so he will act interested when I want to talk about something I like) But I cant do any 'hobbies' as it all would require money. Well I can read but not all day long that is ridiculous!
so as for that page, that sounds so lame I don't see what the attraction is, these people who add you don't even know you! I have a few friends who are into it, me, I would rather do something useful , or make REAL friends! ( I hope that didnt offend, if so sorry!!!!)
and dont give your happiness up, you can still find it!!! Because if you 2 can work it out and be on an understanding then it should be ok if you genuinely love e/o right? I hope for your happiness!
take a nice advil and feel better. BP can cause Headaches with stress of thinking of things that piss us off! :)
take care!
well definitely dont be a door mat. you have to say what draws the line. Marsh knows! And you will feel better because of it. Someone has to stick up for you. Can you tell him how annoyed you feel with no attention? I mean your not even married yet (if you ever wanted to be whatever...) and already your not hanging out and doing fun stuff that couples do. I guess for me I felt like I had more fun before I got married , in the sense that we hung out and did stuff. Now its so pathetic. I love him and its not his fault he is a computer geek. He is playing games online with other people around the world and I tried to act interested I did, (only so he will act interested when I want to talk about something I like) But I cant do any 'hobbies' as it all would require money. Well I can read but not all day long that is ridiculous!
so as for that page, that sounds so lame I don't see what the attraction is, these people who add you don't even know you! I have a few friends who are into it, me, I would rather do something useful , or make REAL friends! ( I hope that didnt offend, if so sorry!!!!)
and dont give your happiness up, you can still find it!!! Because if you 2 can work it out and be on an understanding then it should be ok if you genuinely love e/o right? I hope for your happiness!
take a nice advil and feel better. BP can cause Headaches with stress of thinking of things that piss us off! :)
take care!
bpd_bipolar
05-01-2007, 12:09 PM
I hear ya. but, we have been together for over 4 years now and it has taken us time, well that long actually to find how we are doing things with one another, I mean we have done things together....all the time and that just isn't us. Our psych doc sais it is time where we need, well I need my independence back. SO.....I need to take small steps, and be alone.
This is why he goes to his friends and he is gone for 2 hours up to 8 hours....he will call me and check in on his own, which I think is nice of him.....or if we set a time for him to be back, he is.....pretty cool, but there will be that one or two times that he is a little late, but he'll call or try to (well try is not the word, he has gotten reall 99% better at things).
He is afraid deep down that if he leaves when I am depressed that I might do something stupid, so he calls to check up on me or he is super punctual.....nice of him, but he doesn't want to get sucked into my void.
May 4th...coming up is my daughter sarah's b-day.......LONG STORY, not going into it, but I don't have my kids (yes, 2 of them, older daugher, Selena be 9 Nov. 13th-2007 n Sarah will be 6 May 4-2007), not sure if he will stick around here that day, which is Friday.
I don't know how I will be that day, if I will cry or freak out or what I will do.....not sure if he will go to his friends or try to drag me out of the house or what he will do...........some times he wants me to be alone and cope with stuff and some times he doesn't want me to suck him into my depression, well that is just pretty much it. He told me that he wakes up each morning and thinks "hey, Iwonder what will it be today".
love him so much. you know some times I think, 'hey, I wonder how much money I can save if he wasn't around".
oh k, well I am off of here for now.
This is why he goes to his friends and he is gone for 2 hours up to 8 hours....he will call me and check in on his own, which I think is nice of him.....or if we set a time for him to be back, he is.....pretty cool, but there will be that one or two times that he is a little late, but he'll call or try to (well try is not the word, he has gotten reall 99% better at things).
He is afraid deep down that if he leaves when I am depressed that I might do something stupid, so he calls to check up on me or he is super punctual.....nice of him, but he doesn't want to get sucked into my void.
May 4th...coming up is my daughter sarah's b-day.......LONG STORY, not going into it, but I don't have my kids (yes, 2 of them, older daugher, Selena be 9 Nov. 13th-2007 n Sarah will be 6 May 4-2007), not sure if he will stick around here that day, which is Friday.
I don't know how I will be that day, if I will cry or freak out or what I will do.....not sure if he will go to his friends or try to drag me out of the house or what he will do...........some times he wants me to be alone and cope with stuff and some times he doesn't want me to suck him into my depression, well that is just pretty much it. He told me that he wakes up each morning and thinks "hey, Iwonder what will it be today".
love him so much. you know some times I think, 'hey, I wonder how much money I can save if he wasn't around".
oh k, well I am off of here for now.
leomia
05-01-2007, 12:26 PM
Bpd, not sure I am understanding what you meant. Why do you have a hard time when kids are around, do they just stess you out and you cant take it is that why you dont get them full time, and does your BF get stressed out that you are stressed with the kids?
Also If your having issues at least he is calling and giving you space that is good of him to be considerate like that. But why do you say you wonder if you can save any money without him? Do you not want him around by saying that or is he a drain on finances or what?
Maybe you can explain better. Well hang in there! take care! :)
Also If your having issues at least he is calling and giving you space that is good of him to be considerate like that. But why do you say you wonder if you can save any money without him? Do you not want him around by saying that or is he a drain on finances or what?
Maybe you can explain better. Well hang in there! take care! :)
goody2shuz
05-01-2007, 02:00 PM
Hey Vamp aka BPD:wave: I am glad to see that you are coming to some realization that you and your BF need to work on your individuality knowing that it is unhealthy to live totally for another person. Your uniqueness and individuality of strengths, weaknesses, interests, talents, gifts are all sooo very important to present when it comes to relating to anybody else whether it be as a friend, daughter, mother, or girlfriend. And it is also important for your BF to bring in the same when it comes to a relationship. I think that you are beginning to see that and that is a good thing.:blob_fire
Leomia...Vamp decided with her exhusband that it would be in their kids best interest to place them up for adoption....a very difficult and loving thing to do realizing that they would be better off. She cannot forget them as any mother would agree so the monumental moments in their lives are understandably very difficult for her. I am sure that she will explain more about that but it is hard for her so I thought I would give you an idea so that you would have a better understanding. Also, I believe her BF doesn't work or have much of an income which puts most if not all of the financial burden on her....Vamp I need you to clarify this for us, is it that your BF can't work or doesn't want to work?? Is he eleigible for or has he applied for Social Services Disability Income and how about you??? Are you able to work....you don't mention anything much about a job so I thought I would ask.
I know that you are struggling day to day with all that your diagnosis entails but I think that you are doing a pretty good job of it. You are very much self aware of what is going on and it's just a matter of coming up with some ways of facing the issues and putting the stress down to a minimum in order to go through the difficulties that come your way. I hope to see you coming up with different ways of developing a sense of self outside of your BF because I think by doing so you will find a healthier balance of self worth and coupleness. I know you can do it....I see how strong you are and what a great person you are who wants to manage things as best as she could with the resources available.
Have you ever considered joining a support group in your area. I think that would help out in terms of being with others who could support you and take some of the expectation you may have of your BF being your main source of support when he has his own issues to deal with as it is. Just a thought I am throwing your way. And what about a hobby....can you get yourself out there and join a class of some sort where you will be around other people??? Or volunteering to help out with children....I know that you miss your daughters but perhaps by giving to other kids you may fill that void you are feeling in your life.
Okay....just brainstorming here...I just would like to see you looking at positive things for YOU that will strengthen your self awareness and allow you to identify your strengths and purpose in life. I think you can do it and it may just be what you need to do in order to turn things around in your life.
((((HUGS))))) and cheering you on ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
Leomia...Vamp decided with her exhusband that it would be in their kids best interest to place them up for adoption....a very difficult and loving thing to do realizing that they would be better off. She cannot forget them as any mother would agree so the monumental moments in their lives are understandably very difficult for her. I am sure that she will explain more about that but it is hard for her so I thought I would give you an idea so that you would have a better understanding. Also, I believe her BF doesn't work or have much of an income which puts most if not all of the financial burden on her....Vamp I need you to clarify this for us, is it that your BF can't work or doesn't want to work?? Is he eleigible for or has he applied for Social Services Disability Income and how about you??? Are you able to work....you don't mention anything much about a job so I thought I would ask.
I know that you are struggling day to day with all that your diagnosis entails but I think that you are doing a pretty good job of it. You are very much self aware of what is going on and it's just a matter of coming up with some ways of facing the issues and putting the stress down to a minimum in order to go through the difficulties that come your way. I hope to see you coming up with different ways of developing a sense of self outside of your BF because I think by doing so you will find a healthier balance of self worth and coupleness. I know you can do it....I see how strong you are and what a great person you are who wants to manage things as best as she could with the resources available.
Have you ever considered joining a support group in your area. I think that would help out in terms of being with others who could support you and take some of the expectation you may have of your BF being your main source of support when he has his own issues to deal with as it is. Just a thought I am throwing your way. And what about a hobby....can you get yourself out there and join a class of some sort where you will be around other people??? Or volunteering to help out with children....I know that you miss your daughters but perhaps by giving to other kids you may fill that void you are feeling in your life.
Okay....just brainstorming here...I just would like to see you looking at positive things for YOU that will strengthen your self awareness and allow you to identify your strengths and purpose in life. I think you can do it and it may just be what you need to do in order to turn things around in your life.
((((HUGS))))) and cheering you on ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
bpd_bipolar
05-02-2007, 12:12 PM
Goody, ty for letting leom know about the girls, well the jist of it anyhow.
I do not want to be around kids.......I mean do not get me wrong, his friends have kids, one of his friends has a 16 or 17 month old (I forget), I can only handle it so long before the memories rush back and I begin to cry or break down. Just to many memories for me. I don't want to deal with that pain. No point putting myself through it........so I try to stay away from spending to much time with little ones. I mean my friend Kim has a 9 (I think....or 8, something......basically her kids are basically the same age as mine are......) and a 5 year old......I am not really sure..........but the point it is that I don't spend much time around them because it gets to me.
As for around this area for groups, been there for years and done that......as soon as I left the group because I pretty much did all I could do in it (4 years of it, my psych doc (which I had no idea, it was ironic) stopped running it and now someone else is (teaching the same things.........the Marsha Linehan stuff I tell you guys about.
I do the work sheets still (doc and I work on stuff to hopefully better me so to speak).............
Ummm, hobbies.........I just have music, but that is something that I have pushed into a business (which I make no money, so is it really a "business"?) for almost a decade, but I calim it to be something even though it isn't....I will keep trying to make it something.........so I am persistant on that.
We are both on SSD.
My girls: Goody told it pretty much as it lays. My ex-husband and I gave them up for adoption. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I love them more than anything on this earth and I hope that one day, when my oldest hits 18, she hits 9 this year, that I get a call on my cell phone saying hey, where do u live. I want then to find me, I want them to yell or scream or ask why or something. I'll take a smack or anything. I have the baby books, the photo albums, everything I could keep. I try to get through each day and I miss them like crazy. Selena was almost 2 and Sarah was only 8 months.
There u go, hoped I answered your questions.
I do not want to be around kids.......I mean do not get me wrong, his friends have kids, one of his friends has a 16 or 17 month old (I forget), I can only handle it so long before the memories rush back and I begin to cry or break down. Just to many memories for me. I don't want to deal with that pain. No point putting myself through it........so I try to stay away from spending to much time with little ones. I mean my friend Kim has a 9 (I think....or 8, something......basically her kids are basically the same age as mine are......) and a 5 year old......I am not really sure..........but the point it is that I don't spend much time around them because it gets to me.
As for around this area for groups, been there for years and done that......as soon as I left the group because I pretty much did all I could do in it (4 years of it, my psych doc (which I had no idea, it was ironic) stopped running it and now someone else is (teaching the same things.........the Marsha Linehan stuff I tell you guys about.
I do the work sheets still (doc and I work on stuff to hopefully better me so to speak).............
Ummm, hobbies.........I just have music, but that is something that I have pushed into a business (which I make no money, so is it really a "business"?) for almost a decade, but I calim it to be something even though it isn't....I will keep trying to make it something.........so I am persistant on that.
We are both on SSD.
My girls: Goody told it pretty much as it lays. My ex-husband and I gave them up for adoption. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I love them more than anything on this earth and I hope that one day, when my oldest hits 18, she hits 9 this year, that I get a call on my cell phone saying hey, where do u live. I want then to find me, I want them to yell or scream or ask why or something. I'll take a smack or anything. I have the baby books, the photo albums, everything I could keep. I try to get through each day and I miss them like crazy. Selena was almost 2 and Sarah was only 8 months.
There u go, hoped I answered your questions.
leomia
05-02-2007, 12:20 PM
bpd, wow that must be so hard for you! Are they allowed to know why?
well good luck to you and I am sorry you have such an enormous sadness going on!
Here are big ((HUGS)) from me!
well good luck to you and I am sorry you have such an enormous sadness going on!
Here are big ((HUGS)) from me!
bpd_bipolar
05-03-2007, 10:19 AM
It is all on if the "parents" tell them. anyhow, ty for the concern there, but I just can't get past calling them my girls...........kind of sad sounding, but I gave birth to them and that is just the way it is.
Tomorrow is Sarah's birthday. 6 years old. like a countdown. But, it's cool, we have our doc appts. today. in about 45 min. we leave for the family doc, then have a little bit of a break for lunch inbetween. then we go to the psych doc.
did it on purpose this way, day before and all.....her b-day.
waiting for my breakdown, happened for about 2 minutes on the 1st I started cleaning uncontrollably...then I just stopped, dead in my tracks.........told myself I couldn't do this, I sat and just took breaths and that was about that. went back in and sat with my old man in the office while he played his computer game (he does not play online games, just the offline games).
anyhow, see, I don't do the crying thing in front of him unless there is no possible way to hold it in...........I mean NO POSSIBLE WAY at all on earth.
he knows it, I tell him, he just says to me, you can't change the past, you have to live in the present, each day as it comes.........
oh k, off to the docs.
Tomorrow is Sarah's birthday. 6 years old. like a countdown. But, it's cool, we have our doc appts. today. in about 45 min. we leave for the family doc, then have a little bit of a break for lunch inbetween. then we go to the psych doc.
did it on purpose this way, day before and all.....her b-day.
waiting for my breakdown, happened for about 2 minutes on the 1st I started cleaning uncontrollably...then I just stopped, dead in my tracks.........told myself I couldn't do this, I sat and just took breaths and that was about that. went back in and sat with my old man in the office while he played his computer game (he does not play online games, just the offline games).
anyhow, see, I don't do the crying thing in front of him unless there is no possible way to hold it in...........I mean NO POSSIBLE WAY at all on earth.
he knows it, I tell him, he just says to me, you can't change the past, you have to live in the present, each day as it comes.........
oh k, off to the docs.
leomia
05-03-2007, 10:32 AM
Well it sounds like you are managing and coping the best you can! :bouncing:
and if you gave birth to them then they are your girls you're just not actively the mother and I hope someday they will find you.
My brothers ex wife was adopted and she went and found her parents when she was 18. (she herself is a royal pain and then some so I wont get into that...) :yawn:
anyways it sounds like you guys plan what you need to and are hanging in as best you can and thats all you can do, and if you feel emotion then of course that is normal. As long as you know you do all you can to stay happy and healthy! :angel:
:)
and if you gave birth to them then they are your girls you're just not actively the mother and I hope someday they will find you.
My brothers ex wife was adopted and she went and found her parents when she was 18. (she herself is a royal pain and then some so I wont get into that...) :yawn:
anyways it sounds like you guys plan what you need to and are hanging in as best you can and thats all you can do, and if you feel emotion then of course that is normal. As long as you know you do all you can to stay happy and healthy! :angel:
:)
goody2shuz
05-03-2007, 12:17 PM
Hello....seems like you have most of this under control. Thing is, you shouldn't feel bad if you get upset tomorrow...you have made such a sacrifice and truly loved your girls enough to allow them to have a better life with another family who would be better equipped to raise them. I never asked but did they place your girls together???
Tomorrow will be a difficult day for you....I would see if you can do something that will somewhat take your mind off of things. What about taking in a movie with your BF??? There are lots of them out....if they still have Wild Hogs out I heard that it is quite funny. Try to get out for the day even if it is to get a bite out to eat and break up the everyday routine. Do you think you can ask your BF if he can do that for you???
I will be thinking of you tomorrow....you are a great mother who did what not many mothers could have ever done and for that you should be commended. I pray that one day your daughters WILL find you and show you that what you did was right for them.
Be good to yourself and if you are having a difficult time come here and surely one of us will help you through. I will be out most of tomorrow but promise to check in as soon as I get back. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and have you tucked in my heart knowing how difficult a day it will be for you tomorrow.
((((HUGS))))) to help carry you through ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
Tomorrow will be a difficult day for you....I would see if you can do something that will somewhat take your mind off of things. What about taking in a movie with your BF??? There are lots of them out....if they still have Wild Hogs out I heard that it is quite funny. Try to get out for the day even if it is to get a bite out to eat and break up the everyday routine. Do you think you can ask your BF if he can do that for you???
I will be thinking of you tomorrow....you are a great mother who did what not many mothers could have ever done and for that you should be commended. I pray that one day your daughters WILL find you and show you that what you did was right for them.
Be good to yourself and if you are having a difficult time come here and surely one of us will help you through. I will be out most of tomorrow but promise to check in as soon as I get back. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and have you tucked in my heart knowing how difficult a day it will be for you tomorrow.
((((HUGS))))) to help carry you through ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
leomia
05-03-2007, 12:22 PM
BPD,
I agree with Goody, those are good ideas. She is full of great advice!
:)
:wave:
Awww, Goody that was so sweet of you ! :angel:
PS I have a question on one of the meds if you can hop on my thread soon I will post it there ...
I agree with Goody, those are good ideas. She is full of great advice!
:)
:wave:
Awww, Goody that was so sweet of you ! :angel:
PS I have a question on one of the meds if you can hop on my thread soon I will post it there ...
bpd_bipolar
05-04-2007, 12:11 PM
As I sit here, full of thoughts of what if's from time to time.....even though I knowI did the right thing, I still can't help but wonder what are they doing now.
What is my youngest girl doing on her 6th birthday, right at this moment, is she in school, will she show up back at her house to a party this afternoon and what shall she receive for gifts? Will there be balloons? What does she play with? What toys does she like? I have no idea because she was only 8 months old when she was given.....to those who take better care of her.
What about my oldest daughter, is she taking care of her sister, are they close? Is she protective of her younger sister, she was so close to her when I was pregnant with her........after I ahd her she wanted to hold her, to feed her, to help with her. She was only about to turn two when she was given with her sister to those who could take better care of her as well.
I mean it has been so many years........7 years this year...........I can never forget my girls.....I will never forget, I love them so much I gave the altimate sacrifice, most of heart, part of my soul to make their lives better. A mother who loves so much broke her own heart by being so selfless.........but I am no martyr, I am nothing, but someone who thought of her children first, who wanted them to grow up without the chance of being around any Bipolar or BPD, yes, genetics are genetics, but their father had nothing mentally wrong, so the 50/50 split is there and they are being raised and I hope raised happily..........maybe they can turn out without the yelling out of no where for no reason (that is all that I was concerned about, I loved them so much, but I would yell for no reason......silly, huh. I gave my girls up for adoption because I would yell at them for no reason, I felt that if they were around me they would think that yelling was the correct way to get things in their lives and that is not correct, so I and my husband at the time decided that it would be best that they be raised by a loving couple who didn't yell at them for no reason to take care of them..........).
I hold a pure darkness inside on anniversary dates of their birthdays.
I miss them everyday. I love them every second of everyday.
Happy Birthday to Sarah today, on her 6th borthday.
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Had to ge tthat out. Oh k, well umm, yes, they did place them together and at one point I lived 10 minutes away from them. one day my ex (before we were ex's took me by the house, but I can't remember where it is, which is a good thing).........but I just know they were about 15 minutes away from where I live right now....not sure if they moved though. Anyhow, I think I am oh k.....boyfriend is being supportive in his own way, I feel the tears well up, but nothing has come out yet......I want to cry, I feel it build to the point where the tears are wanting to drop, but I seen to just take a breath (plus the valium I took) and they stay inside, Iw ill cry I am sure, but I think the writing's have helped me. I even wrote a music **** and a happy birthday a bunch of times to her. think it made me feel better doing that. Who knows, maybe we should scrounge up money to see a movie or something. or walk the mall or something. I might ask him if he wants to. Thank you guys.
~Me
What is my youngest girl doing on her 6th birthday, right at this moment, is she in school, will she show up back at her house to a party this afternoon and what shall she receive for gifts? Will there be balloons? What does she play with? What toys does she like? I have no idea because she was only 8 months old when she was given.....to those who take better care of her.
What about my oldest daughter, is she taking care of her sister, are they close? Is she protective of her younger sister, she was so close to her when I was pregnant with her........after I ahd her she wanted to hold her, to feed her, to help with her. She was only about to turn two when she was given with her sister to those who could take better care of her as well.
I mean it has been so many years........7 years this year...........I can never forget my girls.....I will never forget, I love them so much I gave the altimate sacrifice, most of heart, part of my soul to make their lives better. A mother who loves so much broke her own heart by being so selfless.........but I am no martyr, I am nothing, but someone who thought of her children first, who wanted them to grow up without the chance of being around any Bipolar or BPD, yes, genetics are genetics, but their father had nothing mentally wrong, so the 50/50 split is there and they are being raised and I hope raised happily..........maybe they can turn out without the yelling out of no where for no reason (that is all that I was concerned about, I loved them so much, but I would yell for no reason......silly, huh. I gave my girls up for adoption because I would yell at them for no reason, I felt that if they were around me they would think that yelling was the correct way to get things in their lives and that is not correct, so I and my husband at the time decided that it would be best that they be raised by a loving couple who didn't yell at them for no reason to take care of them..........).
I hold a pure darkness inside on anniversary dates of their birthdays.
I miss them everyday. I love them every second of everyday.
Happy Birthday to Sarah today, on her 6th borthday.
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Had to ge tthat out. Oh k, well umm, yes, they did place them together and at one point I lived 10 minutes away from them. one day my ex (before we were ex's took me by the house, but I can't remember where it is, which is a good thing).........but I just know they were about 15 minutes away from where I live right now....not sure if they moved though. Anyhow, I think I am oh k.....boyfriend is being supportive in his own way, I feel the tears well up, but nothing has come out yet......I want to cry, I feel it build to the point where the tears are wanting to drop, but I seen to just take a breath (plus the valium I took) and they stay inside, Iw ill cry I am sure, but I think the writing's have helped me. I even wrote a music **** and a happy birthday a bunch of times to her. think it made me feel better doing that. Who knows, maybe we should scrounge up money to see a movie or something. or walk the mall or something. I might ask him if he wants to. Thank you guys.
~Me
leomia
05-04-2007, 12:39 PM
Good luck ! I know this must be hard, but you sound like you are holding up as well as anyone could expect, even better than that!
It is good to write and get feelings out if it helps! relax a bit and do something fun to take your mind off of it.
But I am glad they are placed together ...
:)
It is good to write and get feelings out if it helps! relax a bit and do something fun to take your mind off of it.
But I am glad they are placed together ...
:)
bpd_bipolar
05-05-2007, 01:13 PM
I got through yesterday, all though it was the longest day of my life, or so it seemed since we didn't go to sleep until after 2am because Friday nights are the "late night". we did the bar thing, someone bought him one beer, which was fine and I socialized, which was a good thing...........but I was so tired.......and there were people over, drunk people............UGH, but I knew that if I just let it go, that it would be over soon, it was kind of amusing because I kept gently kicking him as I sat on the couch and him on the floor, he caught the hint I wanted them to leave and they finally did at 2a.
Oh k, have to eat, my head is wanting to ache..........
Oh k, have to eat, my head is wanting to ache..........
goody2shuz
05-05-2007, 03:50 PM
Dear ME:D ~ I am sooo proud of you....you got through the day and you did like a champ. What you thought about and felt is all perfectly normal....I am a mother and believe me, probably would have done the same exact thing and be feeling pretty much the same way so PLEASE do not feel bad or guilty....your heart is aching for your girls and wondering if you did the right thing by them. I KNOW you did because usually the best things that happen in our lives take GREAT sacrifice. And what more of a sacrifice is there than a mom to think about her children's best interests even if it means giving them up. I am sharing in your pain but want you to know that I really believe that one day your will see the rewards of your sacrifice when your daughters show you what happy and fulfilling lives they lead.
How are you doing today??? I hope that you are enjoying some of the great weather that we are having. I suggest that you go out and get some flowers....even one hanging basket that you can have to look at for the spring/summer season. I got a few to put out on my dack....I even put together a flower pot that is about two feet in diameter and planted a few different plants and it really looks beautiful and brightens my day.
Well I just wanted to come and check in on you and let you know that I am here thinking about you. You were in my heart all day long yesterday and I was sending positive ***** your way hoping that they were helping you through the difficult day.
((((HUGS)))) and happy thoughts being sent your way ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
How are you doing today??? I hope that you are enjoying some of the great weather that we are having. I suggest that you go out and get some flowers....even one hanging basket that you can have to look at for the spring/summer season. I got a few to put out on my dack....I even put together a flower pot that is about two feet in diameter and planted a few different plants and it really looks beautiful and brightens my day.
Well I just wanted to come and check in on you and let you know that I am here thinking about you. You were in my heart all day long yesterday and I was sending positive ***** your way hoping that they were helping you through the difficult day.
((((HUGS)))) and happy thoughts being sent your way ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
bpd_bipolar
05-05-2007, 03:57 PM
Well, he is at his friends, he has been gone for....wow, been 3 hours or a little more now. Me, I ate lunch, been at this computer, not even realizing it.....been trying to get offline for the past 2 though, but new messages keep popping up and I go to answer them then one thing leads to another and I am then off on a page randomly.........BUT this is the last page (so I hope), then I will take some ME time. I think I need it.
Didn't go to bed until 2am a little after last ngiht actually, but can't remember if I typed that above.....trying to get moving so not bothering to look above.
Oh k, well thank you for posting, goody and so far, so good........who knowsx, maybe I can go break down and cry now. I think I have been holding it in long enough to try to be "tough".
A good cry is something that migh actually relieve some stress and my headache that I think is trying to peak out from my left temple. Maybe I am starting to bottle up my pain of my girls again and be tough, so while he is gone, I have free reign to lay down or to let go..........maybe I should.
Take care.
Didn't go to bed until 2am a little after last ngiht actually, but can't remember if I typed that above.....trying to get moving so not bothering to look above.
Oh k, well thank you for posting, goody and so far, so good........who knowsx, maybe I can go break down and cry now. I think I have been holding it in long enough to try to be "tough".
A good cry is something that migh actually relieve some stress and my headache that I think is trying to peak out from my left temple. Maybe I am starting to bottle up my pain of my girls again and be tough, so while he is gone, I have free reign to lay down or to let go..........maybe I should.
Take care.
bpd_bipolar
05-06-2007, 12:07 PM
Tired and sore.......story of my life. Actually laughed for a moment, well a smile...half smile that turned intoa kind of a smile, I think..........point is is that I am oh k for now. Nothing that has depressed me yet.
Good thing. Let me see how things go today. I might be back.
Good thing. Let me see how things go today. I might be back.
bpd_bipolar
05-07-2007, 12:22 PM
last night wasn't bad. we hung out, staid in and just relaxed a bit. his friend came over and it was oh k. I was oh k I gather. I got a bit manic. I have found myself going from (3 months ago where I took no valiums - maybe 1 to 5 valiums a month to taking 2 valiums a day now this month)..........................
I am just stressed and need to be calmed from my mania which is part anger and part worked up over nothing so to speak.
he has to tell me to calm down and if I don't then I need my "time out" which is me being told by the old man to calm down and be quiet, then I listen and realize that I am manic. I sit quiet for 5 - 10 minutes and I am calm again.
I take deep breaths and all if better, for a little bit, but it drives him a little batty in the process. Not sure if all of our prgressis back sliding.............hope not.
Oh k, well we are going out today with a friend, the friend is driving, yay I get a break from it. taking a scenic drive in 70 degree weather to a nice place. only about a couple hour thing, but it isn't couped up inside you know.
~Me
I am just stressed and need to be calmed from my mania which is part anger and part worked up over nothing so to speak.
he has to tell me to calm down and if I don't then I need my "time out" which is me being told by the old man to calm down and be quiet, then I listen and realize that I am manic. I sit quiet for 5 - 10 minutes and I am calm again.
I take deep breaths and all if better, for a little bit, but it drives him a little batty in the process. Not sure if all of our prgressis back sliding.............hope not.
Oh k, well we are going out today with a friend, the friend is driving, yay I get a break from it. taking a scenic drive in 70 degree weather to a nice place. only about a couple hour thing, but it isn't couped up inside you know.
~Me
marshmallow
05-07-2007, 08:03 PM
In an earlier post you said you hold back tears its ok to let them go tears have a way of cleansing the soul. I wish I had been on to comment earlier when you needed so much support but Goody always knows what to say and I am thankful she was here. Leomia is a sweetie too and always has kind words and is understanding. I hope your feeling better now. Thinking of you.
bpd_bipolar
05-08-2007, 11:26 AM
marsh, you help me out too you know......... :)