distroyed
03-12-2007, 03:37 PM
Hi! wondering when a person with BP has a 1st major episode and pretty much ruins their life and the people around them and are not able to see what they have done. Will meds help them remember what they have done? will it be like starting over but now with "normal" thoughts?
in my experience with my wife she doesn't even remember or ackknowledge half the stuff she has done. are these memories over the past year while manic gone? or will she see them for what they have done and learn from them. when she is On meds will I be able to have a rational conversation or will everything still be all my fault? Will she begin to acknowledge her own children as enjoyment and not like she is just baby sitting? I guess what I am asking is, everyone talks about getting help and getting on meds to Stabilize, but to what extent, is she going to be the person she was befor all this? is it like waking up after getting real drunk and feeling guilty about what you did the night b4? Will she see anything when the meds kick in?
in my experience with my wife she doesn't even remember or ackknowledge half the stuff she has done. are these memories over the past year while manic gone? or will she see them for what they have done and learn from them. when she is On meds will I be able to have a rational conversation or will everything still be all my fault? Will she begin to acknowledge her own children as enjoyment and not like she is just baby sitting? I guess what I am asking is, everyone talks about getting help and getting on meds to Stabilize, but to what extent, is she going to be the person she was befor all this? is it like waking up after getting real drunk and feeling guilty about what you did the night b4? Will she see anything when the meds kick in?
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camillacamilla
03-12-2007, 03:52 PM
edited for privacy
distroyed
03-12-2007, 04:44 PM
camillacamilla, Thank you!
My reasons for wanting to know if she will remember things is selfish. It would be nice if she would acknowlede what she has done to me. she had an affair for months and shut me out and sometime she says that I drove her to it other time she says it was her and I did nothing wrong. back in June she took my kids away I begged her not to (got them back now because she couldnt handle them) sometimes I am the enemy sometimes I am her hero. I don't know what to believe. I do know that it is almost impossible to just say all this happened because she is ill and now she is on meds so I just have to forget everything and never get any or ask for any answeres. And that this could all happen again, because she is "ill". I am sory I am not a jerk by nature (read my posts). But what are the concenquences for what she has done. What should they be. If I shut her out she looses everything because of her actions, and I feel bad. If I take her back in there are no consequences and I could be setting myself up for alot more pain. Basically (this is aweful and not like me) but what do I get?
for the past year me and the kids have been torn to pieces, and if she gets stable we just forget everything and move on so she doesn't have to live with her actions, because I can tell you if I even mention anything she has done she explodes on me. That is a tall order. I still feel compassionate for her, but again what about me. I sound like a selfish jerk, but I would like something even a sympathetic appology from her would be nice. I wont get it because she doesn't even know why she did it. I am babbaling
My reasons for wanting to know if she will remember things is selfish. It would be nice if she would acknowlede what she has done to me. she had an affair for months and shut me out and sometime she says that I drove her to it other time she says it was her and I did nothing wrong. back in June she took my kids away I begged her not to (got them back now because she couldnt handle them) sometimes I am the enemy sometimes I am her hero. I don't know what to believe. I do know that it is almost impossible to just say all this happened because she is ill and now she is on meds so I just have to forget everything and never get any or ask for any answeres. And that this could all happen again, because she is "ill". I am sory I am not a jerk by nature (read my posts). But what are the concenquences for what she has done. What should they be. If I shut her out she looses everything because of her actions, and I feel bad. If I take her back in there are no consequences and I could be setting myself up for alot more pain. Basically (this is aweful and not like me) but what do I get?
for the past year me and the kids have been torn to pieces, and if she gets stable we just forget everything and move on so she doesn't have to live with her actions, because I can tell you if I even mention anything she has done she explodes on me. That is a tall order. I still feel compassionate for her, but again what about me. I sound like a selfish jerk, but I would like something even a sympathetic appology from her would be nice. I wont get it because she doesn't even know why she did it. I am babbaling
4support
03-12-2007, 05:41 PM
Hi distroyed, :wave:
I have been married to my husband who is BP/ADD for 11 yrs. I understand exactly what you are saying and I have the same questions as you do (although some have been answered in camilla's post!). My husband is medicated, although still trying to find the right combo for him, he is currently very depressed and I know I cannot bring him out of it. Prior to a med change 2 wks ago, my husband had been manic for 2 months. We have 2 wonderful small children and I struggle with the same kinds of things that you do. There has been no infidelity in our marriage, you sound like a heck of a forgiving husband, although I hope it is not at your own expense.
I also have walked on eggshells when my husband is cycling, taken a lot of hurtful words and criticism and all the blame from him, when in reality his behaviour and mood swings were at the root of pretty much all of the conflict in our home. He has said things that I have a hard time forgetting and has never apologized. When he's 'stable', he insists that things were never "that bad", in reality they were worse than what he remembers them to be. We will go thru those tough periods of time, then he will see the pdoc and his mood stabilizer will be increased, and then everything will be loving and darn near perfect, until he cycles again. I think it takes a very strong person to be married to someone with this illness. It really wears on you after a while. I try to be as open with my children as I can when their father has his bouts of anger, trying to protect them and redirect them and make sure they know that they have done nothing wrong, that their father has a 'problem'. I still worry about how his unpredictable behaviour affects them, but I do the best I can to minimize it.
It seems as though we as the spouses who love our BP partners, are in a Catch-22 in many ways. Sometimes we can reach them, sometimes we can't. Sometimes we are the dream spouse, or other times everything is our fault. Sometimes I feel loved by him, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I feel like he dumps all his frustrations and pain on me, saying hurtful, distorted things which are hard to forget. Sometimes I feel everything will somehow be OK. I wish I could help him to feel better, but I can't no matter what I do.
It seems like you are asking "do we just continue to take it" and if we accept that this is the illness, will your spouse ever know the extent of how she has damaged you, and her children. Will she ever apologize? Is everything then excused, as though it didn't happen? Does this illness give the person struggling with it the right to hurt those they love? I say NO. What I expect from my husband is that he does everything he can to be well. He is in therapy, he goes to a pdoc, he takes his medicine. He still cycles and can be unpredictable. I keep praying and hoping that he finds the right med combo soon so he can be as 'normalized' as possible, and as 'stable' as possible for as long as possible!
Is your wife committed to managing her illness for her own benefit, as well as her family's?
This is a fantastic forum with wonderful, supportive people. You are in a good place to have your questions answered, and most of us understand exactly what you are going thru.
Take care,
4support
I have been married to my husband who is BP/ADD for 11 yrs. I understand exactly what you are saying and I have the same questions as you do (although some have been answered in camilla's post!). My husband is medicated, although still trying to find the right combo for him, he is currently very depressed and I know I cannot bring him out of it. Prior to a med change 2 wks ago, my husband had been manic for 2 months. We have 2 wonderful small children and I struggle with the same kinds of things that you do. There has been no infidelity in our marriage, you sound like a heck of a forgiving husband, although I hope it is not at your own expense.
I also have walked on eggshells when my husband is cycling, taken a lot of hurtful words and criticism and all the blame from him, when in reality his behaviour and mood swings were at the root of pretty much all of the conflict in our home. He has said things that I have a hard time forgetting and has never apologized. When he's 'stable', he insists that things were never "that bad", in reality they were worse than what he remembers them to be. We will go thru those tough periods of time, then he will see the pdoc and his mood stabilizer will be increased, and then everything will be loving and darn near perfect, until he cycles again. I think it takes a very strong person to be married to someone with this illness. It really wears on you after a while. I try to be as open with my children as I can when their father has his bouts of anger, trying to protect them and redirect them and make sure they know that they have done nothing wrong, that their father has a 'problem'. I still worry about how his unpredictable behaviour affects them, but I do the best I can to minimize it.
It seems as though we as the spouses who love our BP partners, are in a Catch-22 in many ways. Sometimes we can reach them, sometimes we can't. Sometimes we are the dream spouse, or other times everything is our fault. Sometimes I feel loved by him, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I feel like he dumps all his frustrations and pain on me, saying hurtful, distorted things which are hard to forget. Sometimes I feel everything will somehow be OK. I wish I could help him to feel better, but I can't no matter what I do.
It seems like you are asking "do we just continue to take it" and if we accept that this is the illness, will your spouse ever know the extent of how she has damaged you, and her children. Will she ever apologize? Is everything then excused, as though it didn't happen? Does this illness give the person struggling with it the right to hurt those they love? I say NO. What I expect from my husband is that he does everything he can to be well. He is in therapy, he goes to a pdoc, he takes his medicine. He still cycles and can be unpredictable. I keep praying and hoping that he finds the right med combo soon so he can be as 'normalized' as possible, and as 'stable' as possible for as long as possible!
Is your wife committed to managing her illness for her own benefit, as well as her family's?
This is a fantastic forum with wonderful, supportive people. You are in a good place to have your questions answered, and most of us understand exactly what you are going thru.
Take care,
4support
camillacamilla
03-12-2007, 05:47 PM
edited...sorry
distroyed
03-12-2007, 07:14 PM
well the cheating was a small part of the whole picture unfortunatley there was alot more. (by the way the guy she cheated with was 22 years older and married)
Marriage councelng, I feel, will do no good because in marriage counceling is based on two rational people trying to work on a realtionship. any agreements we make to eachother will be out the door when she becomes manic, and it will all seem right to her at the time. Besides we had an appointment with a marriage counceler and she didn't show up
I have read alot about bp and gon to counceling for myself and learned a great deal. I went to one of my wife's dr. appointments and learned about other stuff she had lied about even her own therepist was in shock about the lies she had been telling me, because aparently she had been lieing to her dr. too.
sometimes I wish I didn't know as much about bp as I do because I would have walked away long ago and maybe saved myself some additional pain. It is knowing that she is ill that keeps me somewhat around
Marriage councelng, I feel, will do no good because in marriage counceling is based on two rational people trying to work on a realtionship. any agreements we make to eachother will be out the door when she becomes manic, and it will all seem right to her at the time. Besides we had an appointment with a marriage counceler and she didn't show up
I have read alot about bp and gon to counceling for myself and learned a great deal. I went to one of my wife's dr. appointments and learned about other stuff she had lied about even her own therepist was in shock about the lies she had been telling me, because aparently she had been lieing to her dr. too.
sometimes I wish I didn't know as much about bp as I do because I would have walked away long ago and maybe saved myself some additional pain. It is knowing that she is ill that keeps me somewhat around
4support
03-12-2007, 09:47 PM
Hi distroyed,
I have to agree with you about the marriage counseling doing relatively no good unless your wife is 'stable' and on medication. Otherwise, it is like a rational person trying to 'reason' with an irrational person at that moment. Even our therapist has told me that he can only counsel my husband so much unless he is stable/receptive. We tried marriage counseling earlier after my husband was first dx and the therapist told us that we would not be coming in for 'marriage counseling' together, but that my husband was to go on his own, and I was to go on my own for the support I desperately needed.
I wish you the best.
4support
I have to agree with you about the marriage counseling doing relatively no good unless your wife is 'stable' and on medication. Otherwise, it is like a rational person trying to 'reason' with an irrational person at that moment. Even our therapist has told me that he can only counsel my husband so much unless he is stable/receptive. We tried marriage counseling earlier after my husband was first dx and the therapist told us that we would not be coming in for 'marriage counseling' together, but that my husband was to go on his own, and I was to go on my own for the support I desperately needed.
I wish you the best.
4support
camillacamilla
03-13-2007, 05:58 AM
edited..sorry
distroyed
03-13-2007, 09:35 AM
Hi, sory to be a downer, but people with bp even medicated will become unstable. The agreements you make while she is stable will not be honered during episodes of Mania, which are still experienced even while on meds.
I'm really stuck here.
since I gave up on her I feel I failed (even though I did everything!!! humanly possible) but if I hang in then I fail my own happiness. I feel bad for her because of the great mother she was and now the kids don't want to be with her for too long. You would think that would hurt her but it doesn't seems that it is my fault too because I play with them and encourage them to have fun, and I am consistant with them.
this is not the way I wanted my life to go
I'm really stuck here.
since I gave up on her I feel I failed (even though I did everything!!! humanly possible) but if I hang in then I fail my own happiness. I feel bad for her because of the great mother she was and now the kids don't want to be with her for too long. You would think that would hurt her but it doesn't seems that it is my fault too because I play with them and encourage them to have fun, and I am consistant with them.
this is not the way I wanted my life to go