NutshellNutter
03-12-2007, 06:58 PM
I've just emailed my pdoc....
My mood is collapsing rapidly from under my feet. I am not able to cope in work at all and feel the same as before my breakdown, 2004. In work I feel suffocated, like no-one can hear what I say, like no-one is listening to what I say. I feel that everything I say and do is wrong, hate myself, hate the place, hate everyone, can't wait to leave at the end of day, have no enthusiasm to stay. I'm having to go for long walks to keep myself together, and am living off diazepam whilst in work. I'm not coping with it at all. I just felt like I needed to run outside today and scream at the top of my lungs, scream for what though - I don't know.
I feel useless, inept, a burden. I feel ashamed of who I am and what I represent, although I don't even know who I am or what I represent. I feel a charity case in work, and can hear whispering behind my back. I have to keep going in, have to 'keep up the face', but its driving me mad. I don't feel in control of anything at all - of me, of work - everything controls me and I can't bear it. I tried today to ask for a protocol to be changed as I have the results to prove that the current one is not working. I made suggestions for what to change it to and reasons for why - but I just got hit with a brick wall - told by management that 'it won't make a difference' - but I have data to prove that it does! I am made silent, silenced by people who whisper about me, who are trying to mould me into who and what they think I should be - I'm suffocating, I'm losing it, they are trying to control me again - I'm losing it, I don't want to return. Memories of how I was treated and controlled previously are coming faster and faster. Thoughts consume me, bomarding me from all angles. I am now consumed.
I return from work and don't want to cross the door of the house. I just want to crawl under a stone, a heavy stone, one I can't lift off the top of me again. I feel so heavy, so lost, so so lost in this place they call the world.
I just don't know what to do except to eat diazepam and even that has lost its feeling.
Nut.
My mood is collapsing rapidly from under my feet. I am not able to cope in work at all and feel the same as before my breakdown, 2004. In work I feel suffocated, like no-one can hear what I say, like no-one is listening to what I say. I feel that everything I say and do is wrong, hate myself, hate the place, hate everyone, can't wait to leave at the end of day, have no enthusiasm to stay. I'm having to go for long walks to keep myself together, and am living off diazepam whilst in work. I'm not coping with it at all. I just felt like I needed to run outside today and scream at the top of my lungs, scream for what though - I don't know.
I feel useless, inept, a burden. I feel ashamed of who I am and what I represent, although I don't even know who I am or what I represent. I feel a charity case in work, and can hear whispering behind my back. I have to keep going in, have to 'keep up the face', but its driving me mad. I don't feel in control of anything at all - of me, of work - everything controls me and I can't bear it. I tried today to ask for a protocol to be changed as I have the results to prove that the current one is not working. I made suggestions for what to change it to and reasons for why - but I just got hit with a brick wall - told by management that 'it won't make a difference' - but I have data to prove that it does! I am made silent, silenced by people who whisper about me, who are trying to mould me into who and what they think I should be - I'm suffocating, I'm losing it, they are trying to control me again - I'm losing it, I don't want to return. Memories of how I was treated and controlled previously are coming faster and faster. Thoughts consume me, bomarding me from all angles. I am now consumed.
I return from work and don't want to cross the door of the house. I just want to crawl under a stone, a heavy stone, one I can't lift off the top of me again. I feel so heavy, so lost, so so lost in this place they call the world.
I just don't know what to do except to eat diazepam and even that has lost its feeling.
Nut.
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martavee
03-12-2007, 07:56 PM
Nut - at this moment in time I can't form many words. Which is sad because writing is one of my biggest passions. As you know though in our hard times the things we once loved hold no pleasure, which makes it even worse.
I just wanted to say that I am sorry for how you feel. I recall reading more upbeat posts by you recently. Just remember that this feeling will soon eventually pass. I can relate with everything you said - the belief that people are whispering behind your back, etc. Just try to remember that this is mainly due to this illness. I often feel like all those other lucky a$$es get to run around with their head in the clouds/not caring even when people ARE talking about them :blob_fire
Has anything happened recently? I want to recall you posting about seeing a new therapist?
I just wanted to say that I am sorry for how you feel. I recall reading more upbeat posts by you recently. Just remember that this feeling will soon eventually pass. I can relate with everything you said - the belief that people are whispering behind your back, etc. Just try to remember that this is mainly due to this illness. I often feel like all those other lucky a$$es get to run around with their head in the clouds/not caring even when people ARE talking about them :blob_fire
Has anything happened recently? I want to recall you posting about seeing a new therapist?
Llama
03-12-2007, 08:00 PM
I'm glad you emailed your pdoc. Sounds like you need some help hun! I'm sorry I have no more advice. ((((nutshellnutter)))
langlee
03-12-2007, 09:23 PM
Dear Nutshell,
You were talking about going off of your meds recently. Did you? Did anything else change that is making you feel this way? This post sounds so different than where you have been and I am concerned about you. I am so glad you e-mailed your pdoc. Let us know what s/he says.
Always,
Hope
You were talking about going off of your meds recently. Did you? Did anything else change that is making you feel this way? This post sounds so different than where you have been and I am concerned about you. I am so glad you e-mailed your pdoc. Let us know what s/he says.
Always,
Hope
NutshellNutter
03-13-2007, 04:07 PM
I have just spoken with my pdoc on the phone.
He wants me to immeidately increase my dosage of Carbamazepine from 600 to 800 for two days. He will then call me on Thursday morning to make sure I haven't had any side effects, and the dose will then be increased further.
If a higher dosage of carbamazapine doesn't mediate my mood swings into depression, he has asked me once again to consider Seroquel (atypical anyi-psychotic). I'm so frightened of the tardive dyskenesia that can be associated with seroquel thoguh - especially as some of the reserach I have read mentions that even when the drug is ceased, the tardive dyskinesia may not completely disappear - that frightens me having had a lif threatening reaction to psych meds before.
Still hovering on my low, anxiety realms - lorazepam was given to me by my GP though. Luckily my OH is supporting me - I'd be lost without him. I have decided that I need to leave my job - there is too much history in it for me with previous workplace bullying.....
I'm tired, drained, thanks for listening,
Nut.
He wants me to immeidately increase my dosage of Carbamazepine from 600 to 800 for two days. He will then call me on Thursday morning to make sure I haven't had any side effects, and the dose will then be increased further.
If a higher dosage of carbamazapine doesn't mediate my mood swings into depression, he has asked me once again to consider Seroquel (atypical anyi-psychotic). I'm so frightened of the tardive dyskenesia that can be associated with seroquel thoguh - especially as some of the reserach I have read mentions that even when the drug is ceased, the tardive dyskinesia may not completely disappear - that frightens me having had a lif threatening reaction to psych meds before.
Still hovering on my low, anxiety realms - lorazepam was given to me by my GP though. Luckily my OH is supporting me - I'd be lost without him. I have decided that I need to leave my job - there is too much history in it for me with previous workplace bullying.....
I'm tired, drained, thanks for listening,
Nut.
michael178
03-13-2007, 04:33 PM
I wasn't sure but where are you. Where ever it is, it sounds like you need immediate attention. Is there a crisis hotline for you to call, or a hospital to visit. No one should feel the way you do without getting help.
goody2shuz
03-13-2007, 04:55 PM
Hi, Nut:wave: Please do not be afraid of the TD....Seroquel has the lowest chance of producing that and I heard that if you take Vitamin E it further protects you. The pros of the med far outweigh the cons. My daughter has been on it for a little over 4 months now with no ill effects. You cannot live like this when there is a med that may help.
I hope that the increase in the carbamazapine will improve your symptoms and if not I agree with Michael...you may want to consider hospitalization.
Keep us posted and Nut....your words are beautiful in terms of describing how one feels when in a down state and not on the right meds. But as others say, when the meds are working things are much better than this,.
Hang in there ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
I hope that the increase in the carbamazapine will improve your symptoms and if not I agree with Michael...you may want to consider hospitalization.
Keep us posted and Nut....your words are beautiful in terms of describing how one feels when in a down state and not on the right meds. But as others say, when the meds are working things are much better than this,.
Hang in there ~ Goody:angel: :wave:
NutshellNutter
03-13-2007, 05:12 PM
Michael, Goody,
Thank-you for your posts. Michael - I am at home, and still going into work.
I know how positive my experiences as inpatinet have been both times, but I am reluctnat to go in for a third time. Firstly, I have only received private care to date, but am unsure if my insurance will cover BP as they originally covered me for depression - they try everything to get out of covering people. I am very, very reluctant, in fact adverse, to going NHS inpatient - no way!!!!!! I really would rather suffer.
I will see how I go with the carbabmazepine increase goes. My pdco is very good, and I can call him 24/7 on his mobile - I can also contact the hospital I was admitted to if I need to chat.
Goody - I think I will highlight my TD fears to my pdoc and have him talk that through specifically with me - thanku for the information.
Thank-u for your consideration everyone,
My shoulders feel heavy,
Nut.
Thank-you for your posts. Michael - I am at home, and still going into work.
I know how positive my experiences as inpatinet have been both times, but I am reluctnat to go in for a third time. Firstly, I have only received private care to date, but am unsure if my insurance will cover BP as they originally covered me for depression - they try everything to get out of covering people. I am very, very reluctant, in fact adverse, to going NHS inpatient - no way!!!!!! I really would rather suffer.
I will see how I go with the carbabmazepine increase goes. My pdco is very good, and I can call him 24/7 on his mobile - I can also contact the hospital I was admitted to if I need to chat.
Goody - I think I will highlight my TD fears to my pdoc and have him talk that through specifically with me - thanku for the information.
Thank-u for your consideration everyone,
My shoulders feel heavy,
Nut.
langlee
03-13-2007, 06:01 PM
Nut,
Let's look at the positive right now, OK? You have a wonderful and accessible pdoc who is with you on this journey. You have a supportive husband. AND you have decided to leave the job which has caused so much stress. (a new one will be so much better for you!) All in all, considering how you are feeling right now, there are things that are working in your life. Now you just need to start feeling better! Don't be afraid of the Seroquel. Many have taken it with few side effects.
Keep us posted, Nut. You are in our hearts.
Hope
Let's look at the positive right now, OK? You have a wonderful and accessible pdoc who is with you on this journey. You have a supportive husband. AND you have decided to leave the job which has caused so much stress. (a new one will be so much better for you!) All in all, considering how you are feeling right now, there are things that are working in your life. Now you just need to start feeling better! Don't be afraid of the Seroquel. Many have taken it with few side effects.
Keep us posted, Nut. You are in our hearts.
Hope
NutshellNutter
03-14-2007, 07:46 AM
Hi,
My pdoc rang this morning to see how I got on with the carbamazapine increase last night. Just very tired, drained. I told him that I stayed at home today as I just couldn't face work - he seemed happy with that. He is going to ring me again tmorrow moringm and we will increase the carbamazapine further at that point.
My OH is glad that the pdoc is concerned about how quick my mood dropped like a stobe, as we too were worried.
I'm going to have a relaxing bath, try and forget about work. I am one of these people who always worries about what people in work are saying when I need to take off. My OH is going to try to come home at lunch time today - he works loing hours and I've only mamanged to speak to him about the whole thing over the phone.
I'm so tired on the extra carbamazpine dose, hopefully that will ease off - it's a little side effect if it helps my mood.
Thnak-you again,
Nut.
My pdoc rang this morning to see how I got on with the carbamazapine increase last night. Just very tired, drained. I told him that I stayed at home today as I just couldn't face work - he seemed happy with that. He is going to ring me again tmorrow moringm and we will increase the carbamazapine further at that point.
My OH is glad that the pdoc is concerned about how quick my mood dropped like a stobe, as we too were worried.
I'm going to have a relaxing bath, try and forget about work. I am one of these people who always worries about what people in work are saying when I need to take off. My OH is going to try to come home at lunch time today - he works loing hours and I've only mamanged to speak to him about the whole thing over the phone.
I'm so tired on the extra carbamazpine dose, hopefully that will ease off - it's a little side effect if it helps my mood.
Thnak-you again,
Nut.