Greetings All,

I have struggled off and on for years with eating disorders. I'm now 40 and it's facing me again. I've done well for about 5 years now, even though I've been plagued by the fat feeling. I don't think it ever goes away.

I had surgery about a month ago and was on some medication which suppressed my hunger so I've lost some weight. I haven't been hungry at all and when I eat I get full easily. I have set in my head the "control" I have when I make it through the day on very little to eat. I haven't gotten into the numbers yet, calories, fat grams, protien, etc.

It was 5 years ago that I was in treatment and I know where I can take this thing and it ain't pretty. I just need to say somewhere that the ED thinking is in my head and I kinda want it there. But I know that it gets me no where. I don't want to be a slave to this thing.

Thanks for reading.

wanting the eating disorder there is a scary place to be, especially knowing where those thougths can take you. It might not be a bad idea to re-enter treatment just to have a place to vent and seek some validation. I know what your going through because I am struggling with the same scenerio.

I would see about starting treatment again before it gets too bad and so out of control. But the thing about treatment is for it to work, you need to change your way of thinking. If you truly want the ED, no amount of therapy or even going inpatient will help because you will just persist in the ED behaviors after getting out.

I've been recovered about 5 years now, and I still have body image issues, but I never once have desired to fall back into the ED (knock on wood). I just remember how very miserable it felt, how I wasn't sleeping well at all with the ED, how exhausted and tired and a slave to exercise and calorie counting. Really, the ED became my life. It's a very shallow life and a very shallow existence. I definitely don't want to go back there. And the worst of it is with the ED, no matter how skinny you are, the ED still tells you that you are fat and you are so delighted to keep seeing the numbers go down, down, down on the scale.

So--I could be super skinny but still feel fat and thinking I needed to lose weight. My hair was falling out, my skin flaky and sallow, I was weak, tired, dizzy, not sleeping, bad concentration, and I was very, very depressed.

Contrast that to now--I still have body image issues, but I know that I am not fat that my weight is in the low normal range for my height, I definitely don't think I'm the fattest ugliest person around. My hair is shiny & thick, my skin has a healthy glow, I have energy, I'm sleeping well, and I'm even off antidepressants for over a year. Mostly, I'm in a pretty good mood. I don't spend my days obsessing over counting calories and waste so much time exercising. In fact, now I like exercising again since I do much less of it and at a lower intensity, it actually feels good again and not like a chore.

I don't think the ED thoughts ever completely go away. I still have them too, from time to time, though they are less now (not all the time any more). The key really is that you can have the thoughts, just refuse to act on them.

After all, you've come so far. I'm sure you remember how difficult recovery was the first time around. Do you really want to go through that again? Because you know when an ED becomes full-blown there really are 2, maybe 3 outcomes: 1) live with it the rest of your life though never to the point where it kills you but you're miserable all the same 2) you go into recovery 3) you die from the ED.

I don't think anyone can live with an ED and be happy. It just doesn't happen.

Thank you for your responses. I can so vividly remember my life being a slave to numbers and exercise. There was only an existence, not a life.

Like I said before I've been in recovery for over 5 years now and because of medication for my surgery I lost my appitite and lost weight. I never would have thought that weight loss would send me into this kind of thinking. When I realized how much weight I lost is just took over my thinking like I'm possessed or something. So, no the ED doesn't ever really go away you just have to be diligent in how you live with it.

I'm torn between wanting this and hating it. My calorie intake has definietly gone down since I got one the scale. As I think about it, it was one of the first times I've actually looked at the numbers on the scale in years. I don't own a scale. And when I go to the docotor I don't usuall look but this time I did.

I think I'll look for a local recovery meeting.

Thanks again for reading.
GloBones