Well, dad has now started with stomach aches and trying to self medicate. My sister R left Maalox in his bedroom for him to take when he gets the stomach aches. A few nights ago, she came into the bathroom and found the Pepto Bismol she keeps in her bathroom cabinet all over the bathroom along with lots of do do. And the Maalox was nowhere to be found! So now she says she'll have to hide all medications. Hmmmm, I gave her that message when someone else posted here about having to lock things up. I guess she had to learn the hard way....

Dad had one of his "going home" days a few days ago. R said he packed his suitcase and walked out the door with his dog and said he was going home. He used to know where home is. I don't think he does anymore. And even if he does, he certainly can't remember how to get here.

I think he may be starting halucinations now too. He was SO CERTAIN he p'd off my BIL a while back. And my BIL was out of town when my dad said it happened.

He seems to have totally forgotten my mother who died 13 years ago. They were together for 33 years.

Today is dad's 81st birthday. R says she doesn't even think he knows it's his birthday. Since she is the one who was denying dad was getting worse, these recent revalations have me believing that this disease is moving faster than before.

My dad has never remembered my birthday because it's in September. And he never remembered my mom's birthday in August. But he always remembered R's birthday because her birthday is the day after his. Until now, that is. R told me they went to a really nice place for dinner last night in honor of dad's and her birthday. When I spoke to dad, I said "you must have had a great time at the dinner". He said "yeah, I told her she shouldn't have done that". And I joked back "that's ok. You can pay her back tomorrow by taking HER out for HER birthday". He said "oh yeah that's right". He forgot.

And so these are just my thoughts, not ranting or venting. Just thoughts.

I think I'm getting slowly to the point where I recognize that putting my thoughts into words before they become rantings or ventings, I'm a little more sane, just a little.....

(Not that there's anything wrong with venting. We all need to do it sometimes).

Would anyone care to share their thoughts before they become rants???

This is the safe zone.

Love, Barb

Barb,

I think in a strange way we get to go through this to be stronger.
There's many times I just want to type and get it all out. My way is through poems or songs. Sometimes I Just sit and pray.
The thing that irritates me the most though, is I'm trying so hard to show my mom that I'm here for her even though she never was there for me. I want her to see that I redid my house so my mom, who use to beat me up as a child, who told me she didn't want anything to do with me as an adult, that I forgive her and I still love her. Yet, every day, she's yelling and screaming that I've taken away her life and I've destroyed her independence. She is never satisfied with anything I do. Whether it's trying to get her involved with a daycare just for AD and Dementia patients to trying to get her into things at her church. So far everything is wrong. She even had the nerve to ask me the other day if it was ok if I left her at home (not that I would) so she didn't have to go to my daughters birthday.
If it was my oldest brother's daughter she would be all there for her. Infact she wanted to fly out to OH from VA all by herself to surprise my neice for her birthday.
My kids don't know her. My youngest is only 2 but she runs up to 'grandma' everytime my mom comes home from daycare and says, "ganma i miss you." My mom just pulls her off her leg and asks whats for dinner.
I have no idea what the heck I'm doing. I imagined this so different. Oddly I just know it was the right thing to do--I just wish I knew why!
I am frustrated, I'm even getting counseling myslef to aid in the decisions I make. I almost feel like I"m that little girl and my mom wants me to do what she says when she says it.
Last night she told me that she wasn't going to take her pills until I agreed to take her out of her daycare. I told her I wasn't going to nor was I going to leave her room until she took her pills. She finally took them. This morning she told me that her ear hurt and she couldn't go to daycare, in turn I told her that the doctors there would take good care of her. She stayed in bed most of the morning till one of my brothers came to pick her up. I guess this isn't going to be a smooth sailing after all. That's whats dreams are for right?

You seem to be one of the many (often but not always girls) children who felt less loved than other siblings and now, in their parent's old age, bend over backwards to show Mom that we really are lovable after all. See, Mom? Look at all I am doing for you? And where are the other two? Where is the all time favorite older girl? :rolleyes:

I am speaking from bitter experience. I lived with Mom for 5 years and the worse her dementia got the more I tried to show her I was the one and only child who would give up everything to help her. I neglected my teeth because I had no time to go to a dentist, resluting in thousands of dollars of dental bills after I was finally settled where I am now. :confused: I slept hardly at all, my whole life revolved around Mom and my job. I had no life for myself.

The result of these 5 years of devotion: Mom does not remember that I ever lived with her. :mad: And while I was there she resented me and blamed me for her confusion. The best loved eldest sister also blamed me. Now, when that sister calls her, it is Christmas and her birthday all in one.

I was the unwanted second daughter. I spent many years of my life trying to make Mom love me at least as much as the others.

Mom is still my role model and I do not blame her for resenting a second baby 13 months after the first in the final years of the Great Depression, with no money. I understand. But it took me a long time to figure out why I clung to Mom so much, and refused for way longer than necessary to have her placed in a good NH. My sister never did anything for her, and remains the favorite. Go figure.

There must be a deep psychological reason for it. If you figure it out, let me know!

Love,
Martha

I too am really a little girl at heart trying to protect my mum from the abuse of the men in my family and trying to make her life a happy one.

growing up I was always trying to protect her, she was a very dependent person and I remember once in my early 20's her doctor said to me "you have 3 children, one of them will never grow up" then she explained that she was talking about my mother. She told me to get on with my own life and leave mum to depend on other people " once you go, she will just find someone else"... and she was right... she did just find someone else.. more abusers.

I always swore that I would never have her live with me and yet here I am. I am paying her bills and watching my plans for my life just fade away.

I just want my life back,

I feel like I am on a roller coaster that just keeps getting faster and faster...

I need to share my thoughts before they become a bitter rant...

When I left mum at the respite, my other family members found out somehow and caused a lot of distress. I just could not leave her there she was so vulnerable and the staff were unable to keep certain people from seeing her. I recieved abusive phone calls. This was worse for me than having her here. I had to choose what was best for me...

I took her out, I still had to pay the bill of course, nearly $600.... but the abuse I was subjected to nearly undid me completely. I am not going to have another breakdown.... so the stress of her living with me at this point is less than her being placed.

eventually it will change...

I don't want to be the little girl who was always wishing she was a son, and not a daughter.

but i still am....

I am so sorry for not responding sooner. My son is graduating high school next week and I'm busy preparing for the party and getting the house ready for out of town guests.

Oh boy do we have issues!!!!

I too always felt like the child who was less loved. As I said before, dad never even tried to remember my birthday or my mother's. My mom had two sons from a previous marriage. My dad had two adopted children (a son and daughter) from his first union. I was the first born of the two girls dad and mom had together. I was my dad's first biological child. You would think he would show a little affection or attention. Dad was a workaholic and when he wasn't working, he was at the bar drinking. So there really wasn't much time for any of us.

When I was a teenager, I was molested by my mom's sister's husband. I didn't have the courage to tell anyone for more than 10 years. I told my dad and my older sister. My dad said with a chuckle "So what do you want me to do about it?" My answer was "You want to know what I want you to do dad? I want you to care! I want you to give a damn or at least PRETEND like you do!" I'll never forget that.

I was given a lot of love and attention by my mom. She loved me just because I was hers. She is the one who taught me what love is. Dad never taught me anything except for how to try to win approval.

I spent all of my caregiving time trying to get his approval or acceptance. It wasn't until long after I gave up on my quest for acceptance and relinquished my role of caregiver to my younger sister that I got what I had always prayed for. My dad never told me he loved me. He tells me now. I'm sure these changes have a lot to do with the progression of AD but hey, I'll take it however I get it.

When I was his caregiver, he abused me horribly. Verbal abuse was always there. There was never physical abuse but it came very close sometimes. My dad would always tell me that he was going to R's house where he can get some peace and quiet. He always made sure he told me how unhappy he was with me, that I didn't do things right. He never liked my husband and was always throwing digs at him. And then he'd say how great R's husband M was.

I still wonder why I strived for so long for approval and acceptance from my dad. I'm almost certain it never would have happened if he didn't have AD.

For those of you who have your parents in your home, boy do I understand. I too was dealing with raising a child, taking care of my dad and husband and dealing with the past. It sure does seem as though everything is coming at you all at once. And it is. The best advice I can give you is try to take things one day at a time. A friend told me today "Don't give $1,000 to a 10 cent problem." In other words don't spend all your time and energy on something that doesn't need it all. Pick and choose the things that need to be dealt with now. If you try to manage it all at the same time, something's bound to get neglected. And that something is most likely YOU.

And remember that the only one who's opinion counts regarding you is YOURS! It's how you feel about YOURSELF at the end of the day that counts.

May we all find what our hearts are searching for.

Love, Barb

ok. Here's more thoughts sorry!
My brother convinced my mom of giving him $500 loan. Ok I've said this before. But now my husband is downstairs and that women is totally defending my brother and calling me the liar. When does it stop??? I'm the one that helps her. I'm the one that takes her to her doctors and opens up my house and lets her live here. Why am I the one lying to her??? Why am I the one that is the bad person in this??? My husband is totally playing this all off as if she's 'right' because he's not wanting to bring friction between all of us. GOOD LORD!!! Now all I'm going to hear is how my husband agrees and how I'm the unloving inconsiderate one. AAAAHHHH! Sometimes I honestly wish she wasn't on any meds. When they were trying to get her meds situated my mom actually told me everyday how much she loved me and how much she was so happy that I was doing for her. Now that she's on this meds she's been so downright mean and walking all over me. Is it wrong for me to wish she wasn't d oing so good? I'm so hurt by the way she treates me after all I've tried really hard to do for her. But what can I do? I don't feel right just throwing her in an ALF or NH. They suck around here unless you got money and lots of it!

Gdschillins, please don't apologize. That is why I started this tread. Feel free to use this thread for the reason it was intended.

I know sometimes it seems like the whole world is against you no matter how much you do for your mom. What your saying brings me back a few years to when my dad was living with me. I had much the same feelings you're discribing now. I remember wishing dad had never come down with this disease at first. Then as it progressed and he got worse toward me, I remember thinking death might be better. Of course I would never do anything to harm my dad but I was wishing this all to be over with soon. I was physically and emotionally exausted.

You said that your mom started being like this when she was put on medication. I wonder if a change in medication or dosage might help a little.

The money thing... I was accused so many times of taking or losing his money. Funny thing was (and still is) that he trusts the one he should never trust, the one who robbed him BLIND.

Dad isn't so much into the money thing now from what I hear. But then again, he's with the one he trusts.....

I want you to know that it's ok to feel the way you feel. Don't feel guilty though. You are doing well above and beyond the call of duty. I hope your husband isn't agreeing with your mom about what she's accusing you of. If he is, I'm sure it's just to pacify her. Maybe you could talk to him about this. If she talks to him saying you're stealing money or whatever, maybe he could say something like "I went with her to put the money in the bank" or "She paid that bill. I know because I mailed it for her." This way he's not really disagreeing with her and he's not making it sound like he agrees with her.

Love, Barb

Barb,
Thanks so much. I'm numb now. All night long she talked to my husband and I would grab a conversation here and there as she talked abou how I was a difficult child and how I never listened to her. I told my husband today that I'm not worried anymore if she goes to a ALF. Maybe it'll be better tomorrow.
thanks again,
christi

I haven't posted about my mother in quite awhile here. She's still verbally abusive (HORRIBLY SO), and at times, will become physically abusive. We FINALLY got her into her doctor last week, after she cut her leg a couple of weeks ago (AND REFUSED TO GO TO THE DOCTOR THEN), and he put her on Paxil to try to curb her depression, and anger. She was more like herself over this past Memorial Day weekend. Until last night...she wanted to go lay down for a few minutes last night, before going to bed for the night. When she woke up, she came down the hall with a wild look in her eyes, and I led her back to her bedroom. I talked to her for a minute, then asked if she wanted to go back into the living room where dad was for a few minutes.

She looked at me, and that cold, icy look came back into her eyes, and she started in...and by the time she was finished, I was the worst child she'd ever had. :rolleyes: Gee, that's funny...not more than 2 hours before that, she said she didn't know what she would do without me. :dizzy: She was the same way this morning when I left for work.

And of course, she had to examine my clothes before I left, because I'm stealing her clothes, you know. NOT! I fully expect to hear all about it when I get home this evening....WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES...I KNOW YOU HAVE THEM!! Gee mom...maybe if you stopped moving them every time you turn around, you'd find them!

So I can TOTALLY relate to those who are degraded for being the only ones who will actually stay with their loved ones.

So it's not going to get better is it? I read somewhere that if a AD/D person did something in their normal lives then when the disease worsens that particular thing they did only increases. The doctor told me that as her VD worsens so will her need to yell and scream, her need to clean, her need to be religeous. I don't know, I went into this believing that the more I do for her the less 'abusive' she would be towards me. This is the same person that tried to kill me as a child, the same person that told all her friends that I hate her after she told me to stay out of her life. I was really hoping that my mom and I could for once have a 'friendship' to be happy about.
June is never easy for me. My dad died 6 years ago from liver disease, I found him 19 hours after he died. The night my family came together to plan the funeral all my mom could say was, "I'm glad he's finally dead, now you should look to me, because one day I'm going to die too." Sometimes I wish she was the one that died and I was taking care of my dad right now instead. I wonder why life works out the way it does. What am I suppose to learn from all of this? My dad was my best friend apart from God and my husband. Why?

[QUOTE=gdschillins;3035589]So it's not going to get better is it? I read somewhere that if a AD/D person did something in their normal lives then when the disease worsens that particular thing they did only increases. The doctor told me that as her VD worsens so will her need to yell and scream, her need to clean, her need to be religeous. I don't know, I went into this believing that the more I do for her the less 'abusive' she would be towards me. This is the same person that tried to kill me as a child, the same person that told all her friends that I hate her after she told me to stay out of her life. I was really hoping that my mom and I could for once have a 'friendship' to be happy about.


Dear gds ... I can identify with you so much. Yes, it seems to me that the above is true. If the person was always a little controlling and suspicious, they will get much more so. My Mom was always friendly and nice, and that has remained. But my brother's MIL became a raving, accusing, spitting and unbearable person .. every negative aspect of her personality greatly increased.

My Mom once told me (I was 14 at the time) that when she got pregnant with me, and having a 4 month old already, she tried everything to get rid of me. I look back and understand that this is why I lived with her for 5 hard years - I wanted to prove how great it as that I lived! But Mom soon forgot we ever lived together ...

Whatever you do, don't blame yourself for any bizarre behavior. It comes with the territory. Get as much outside help as you can. Don't let her get YOU crazy!

Love,

Martha

I blew it again yesterday. Am I really cut out for this. I try so hard to do right. I was so mad. I treated the situation as if it was my real rational mother that always disliked me. I was more angry out of fear than out of actual anger and I directed it at her.
Tuesday I was with my husband getting our car fixed. My mom is allowed to stay home alone for up to 4 hours. She wasn't home more than 2 when my brother called me and informed me that he was taking my mom to his house. Since there really wasn't anything I could do to stop them I said, >please don't forget to take her meds and put them in 3 bags so you have the three times> He said that my mom already said she got her pills in her purse. I told him to make sure what she got because she has a sure way of loosing her pills even if I walk into her room with them all in my hand then when she goes to take them she's droppedsome here and there. My mom screamed from the other end--i'm not a baby!
I got a call around 2pm wed and was told by myh mom that I had to of put her pills in wrong because she can't find this or that and she knows she doesn't take this many pills in the evening. All I toldher was that I didn't have time to argue about it and I told my brother to put them in separte bags and you insisted you knew what you were talking about so you just dump them in your purse. She hung up.
Around 3 I got a call from my brother and was told that he was going to take mom to a movie. I told him to be home at a reasonable time because mom had to go to daycare at 7 on thursday. Around 9:30 I called his house to fined out where she was. No answer. I called at 10 then left another message around 10:30pm. I sat up in my daughter's bed waiting and dozed off. Around 2am she still wasn't home and I called my brother again. This time he answered. I explained that I had been frantic trying to figure out if they had gotten into an accident. He told me that she called and left a message around 11 and told me she was staying over my brothers house another night. I was still very upset. SO I called back. My mom told my brother that she had all her pills she thought and she'd be ok and brother would take her to daycare.
I was upset because they only called once. They called my cell phone several times but never left a message (my cell goes off as soon asa I go home). He told me at 3 they were going to a movie and he knew to get her home at a resonable time. I know what pills she did have has probably been mixed together so she has no idea (as much as she wants to) what pills to take. They didn't have to go to his house after the movie to call me they could have just come here they know that I keep the alarm off until she walks through the door and he has brought her home late before so that was no issue.
The next day at daycare I called and told them what happend. trying despartly to figure out my mom's point of view they found her to tell all of them different stories. One was I was out of town, one was, she's not allowed to call my cell, onewas she's not a baby and she's a big girl and no one has the right to treat her as such. However she wanted all of her morning pills other than she is sure she took what looked like an axiety pill and her allergy pill. She had no pain pills. She had at least 5 for tuesday and 5 for wed as I relaized that she took all her pills for wed. When she got home she told me that she took her aricept. I was so frustrated. I asked her to dump out her purse. She told me that what she took was none of my busniess. I asked her to give me all her meds she told me that she could do it herslef. I told her that she was going with me to see her grandaughter preform and she told me she wasn't going. It was I'd ask or rather frustrately ask and she'd scream no. I told her the whole thing was handled wrong. She then told me that my brother and his wife went into one movie and she went into another. Oh that ended the cake there. I was mad. I told her that that was an unwise thing and her perfect brother should know that's unacceptable. It went downhill from there.
The dr.s called yesterday and informed me that they were backing her down on her aricept instead of 10mg they were going to 5mgs. Personally--i'm happy with the change. We all wanted my mom to remember the way she use to. Even though 10mg allows her to remember certain things it has created a monster. The nurses even told me thats what happens with some patients. Maybe once she's settled on her new quota she'll be more relaxed.
thanks for listening and any feed back would be great.

Just one quick piece of advice - don't try to reason with her. There is no sense in it because she forgets what she just heard ... oh, also 1 more - don't believe anything she tells you It is highly unlikely that she went into a different movie. I don't believe it ....

Love,

Martha

I can SO relate to what you are going through because I have been there myself. Mom is in that place where she doesn't think anything is wrong with her. She has some memory but get it all confused in her head and creates "a reality of the moment" as I I call it. To make matters worse she has Dad to blame everything on. I have learned that I can not reason with her. Her inability change focus makes it hard to distract her. So sometimes I just have to ride it out until I can get her mind to switch to another place and time. Always remember... it is not your Mom doing these things. Who ever on this board said it was "the imposter" was brilliant. You are dealing with an imposter. My prayers are with you and with all of you. You have become a lifeline in the few short days I have been here. Thank you all!!!!

Hi GD, Hope you don't mind if I share some of my observations based on what you said.

You're trying to come to terms with your past relationship with your mom while trying to come to terms with her disease and how it's affect her and you now.

Just those two things alone are enough to stress a person out. I know because I've been thru that with my dad.

On top of all of that, you're dealing with combativeness and verbal abuse. You know it's not her. It's the disease. But that doesn't make it any easier for you. What you're dealing with every day is enough to drive most people to tears. So don't beat yourself up for making mistakes or losing your temper. You're human. It's gonna happen.

It sounds to me like your brother may be in deep denial about what's happening to your mom or how bad it really is. And maybe he just doesn't want to risk stepping on her toes by checking her purse and making sure she's getting the right meds at the right time.

Your mom said she saw a different movie than your brother. Maybe she did or maybe she forgot your brother was right next to her in the dark. If you didn't check the facts with your brother first before assuming mom was right, then yeah, you probably should have. But again, you're human. Mistakes happen.

And maybe some of the anger should have been directed at your brother for being a bit irresponsible. But then again, you're human and he's human too.

If you haven't done so already, I suggest you and your brother go someplace where you can speak with each other privately and discuss calmly and in depth what is going on with your mom. Be specific. Leave nothing out. Kindly tell him how you feel and how this is affecting you. And listen to him. He's not caring for your mom every day like you are. But this is affecting him in some way. He's losing his mom too.

Oh a suggestion about the pills...keep the bottles hidden from her. She could be taking too much of some and not enough of others. Put only enough out for her next dose and put it out only when it's almost time to take it.

And instead of putting her medicine in bags, try putting them in old medicine bottles so she thinks she's still in charge of her medication. The only disadvantage to that is you might get tired of hearing she's almost out of pills. :)

Love, Barb

thanks guys.

I did talk to my brother more like yelled, but whose counting? He said that she didn't want to see his movie so he didn't see any reason not to let her go alone to a movie. His thoughts were that where could she go? As far as her meds he said he asked her if she took her meds, but again, he feels that she's good enough to be independent. He wants her to live with him. When I asked about who would watch her when he's at work he said, "she can stay home for a few hours." Yes, but he works 10 hours out of a day!
I did apologize to my mother for the way I acted. Her comment was ,"I know you always loved your dad more than me..." teary eyed and sulking. I told her my dad has been dead for 6 years and that didn't have anything to do with it, I didn't bring my dad in my house to help him out.
Since that day things have done nothing but go out of hand. I've been trying to hide all her pills but she's going to the stores(via my brother) and buying things over the counter. She told her daycare nurse yesterday that she was going to take all her new sleeping pills (that no one prescribed) and kill herself because her daughter has made sure to treat her like a baby because I worried about her so bad, I won't let her eat just yogurt all day (I don't mind the once aday), I won't let her go out walking at 9pm, ect. So I had to go to her and find all her pills. She had gobbs of over the counter drugs, mostly herble but there was some that were allergy, sleeping, diet pills. Her other doctor told me to put her into the hospital and we would find a way to keep her from getting hold of all her money. I told him I'd give it another day. Tomorrow I speak to her side of the family. My husband and I are wondering if it might be better to just put her into a ALF. We just have to wonder where we'd be getting the money!
Today I let her be, I din't want to talk much to her in case to get her wiled up. It wasn't until 3 that I ventured into the kitchen and sure enough, i should have gone with my first thought and waited till she took a nap or something. I didn't say anything except answering her question, "no you can't gt your own mail box that's not how our association works." That spun her off once again. THankfully, there is NO drugs ANYWHERE around her.

Thanks again.

Maybe what your brother needs is for you to write down things that your mom is doing and saying like ?I'm going to take all these pills and kill myself". Or better yet...invite your brother to a doctor visit. Before he goes, notify her doctor that your mom's beem playing him to get more pills and everything else.

Your brother is still in deep demial. My sister has my dad now. For the lingest time, she had no clue how bad dad was because she was in such huge denial. She's had him for 3 years now and she finally gets it.

I have to run but I just want to say one more thing before I go. Herbal does not mean that it's safe. That stuff could interact with the medication rx'd by the doctor.

I'm off on my mad dash-hurry up-Sunday now!

Love, Barb

GD... I have the same problem with two of my sisters. They work outside of the home and I thought I was doing them a favor by taking care of the needs of Mom and Dad for them. They reacted much like your brother. They thought I was over reacting. I exhausted and frustrated myself doing too much and trying to "tell" them what was going on. I tried to fix it for everybody and in the process I think I broke it for a while. I finally got some good advice from a dear friend and backed off. I stopped "telling" them how Mom had deteriorated but let them "see" for themselves by being there. Half the battle is won because one of my sisters told me Friday that she how sees what she had not seen before.

I am so sorry you have to go through any of this. I hope for your brother to see what is happening and for you to have the strength to deal with them all.

After a full day of unwanted events her family (siblings) and I have decidedto put her into respite care for a couple of days to see how she would actually like being in alf. The only problem is she's coming down from her aricept and no one knows how that's going to affect her. It takes 2 weeks for me to get her into the respite so I'm almost afraid to jump at it now and then in 2 weeks she actually have to be put into a nh instead. We'll see. I've tried to stay away today to let her have some space and not argue with us at least. When she gets frustrated she talks to as she says, "whatever will listen", so in a way I was hoping she talked to that to get some stuff out. Usually that means the frigerator, dishwasher or just the wall. If it helps Im not going to dish it!

thanks yall.

Have a great week.

christi

Hey Gd,

Have you got one of those mobile phones that also takes video?

**insert evil grin here**

Video tape Mum in one of her tantrums ..... just make sure your voice comes through calm and loving !!

They want proof? (Video phones weren't around when I was caring for my MIL) GIVE them proof ..lots of it. Upgrade your phone if you have to !!!!!

You know, NOBODY believed me either that life was *HE11* (and it was!) until I placed MIL into respite in an upmarket 'Aged Care Facility" and I mean upmarket, fancy. Her assessment by the 'professionals' was 'low care' (meaning easy, just needed a spot of help here and there, nothing major) and that assessment HAD been influenced by a family member who wouldn't butt out and told ME to stay upstairs and not say anything in case I influenced the assessment *sigh*) Well, after one night, I got a phone call saying "OMG .. she can't stay here !!! She's off the rails! She's violent! She's abusive! We had to put her in the secure wing on a bed in the lounge, because she went nuts!!!!"

Really? :angel: Oh dear .. no, sorry, we're going away, so she'll have to come home to an empty house ....

It was AMAZING how quickly that assessment was change. It was AMAZING how quickly a bed was found in a secure unit .. and it was AMAZING how she INSTANTLY settled when all the trials and tribulations of daily life were taken away from her.

When she no longer had to keep up with appearances, no longer had to make decisions, she CALMED DOWN. It was nothing short of a miracle. Now, 18 months later (closer to 2 years now.. wow) she no longer walks, no longer speaks, just sits in her chair as happy as can be.

Bliss. For her.

My new argument is now however, I am thinking of getting her transferred closer to us (she's 1,000km away from us) as her other son (he who is always right even when he's wrong) lives 1500km away .. where she is now, she is TOTALLY alone ... nobody to visit, nobody to keep an eye on her.

So sad, that all those who fought over her, for her good or not, are no longer there for her at all.

*sigh*

Cheers

Tonight would so be a night when I can walk into a room with all of you and one of you can just give me a hug and say it's ok. My brother (you know the one that is in denial) called me and told me he was suing me for $1,000 and custody of my mom oh and get this fraud! So when life gets bad around I can always look forward to it getting worse!
He claims that when I changed my mom's address (I had to do it three times because he kept going behind me and chaning it to his) I also changed my mail (because eventually all my mail went to his house). When I did that (this is where the fraud comes in) I intentionally made the change to screw up his life. Note none of his mail comes to my house! He claims that because of that he bounced over a thousand dollars in checks and credit. To get even more absurbed. He states that we lock mom in her room all the time and don't let her go anywhere, we are cruel to her and even let my 5 year old pinch her. For one my daughter only pinched her once and she got in trouble for it, for two, at least 3 times a week she's out with friends she just doesn't always remember it and four she is free to actually leave the house for a little walk around the block if she wants. Evidently he's got a good lawyer. Evidently my mom knows all about it and is fully on his side but doesn't want ot live with him. So now the only thing I can do is give up, I'm going to talk with her dr and see if we can declare her incompetent so that I can put her into an alf. The daycare that she goes to said they will help us find one in their company. I can't think of anything else to do. I wanted this to work. I know that with her aricept going down (she's already showing signs of the detoriating) things would calm down for her, but my brother will never stop. Can I cry now? It hasn't been more than 4 months. I'm always the peace maker, why can't I find peace in any of this?:(
I'm sorry.
christi

Christi, some people just need to win. Regardless of the reasoning, the logic (or lack thereof) or the good intentions of everybody else around them .. they feel bad and they're gonna go out of their way to make everybody feel bad along with 'em.

Your brother appears to be one of them. he wants his cake and eat it to. He wants his Mum back (mentally & physically) .. he chooses to BELIEVE everything your mother tells him which goes to prove the man isn't right in himself at this moment which could come from grief .. we'll never know I guess.

Christi .. let go. Give the whinging ******* $1,000 and get him off your back. Let him have Mum ...

For now.

You can access Guardianship boards who take over responsibility of our Loved Ones if the family is bickering badly ....... that let's you off the hook and ownership taken away from him which is what he deserves from his bad behaviour.

Oh families make me sick, they really do. I have yet to find an HONEST supportive family ANYWHERE. There is always ONE sibling or ONE family member hell bent on destroying the safety of the one they bleat on about so much.

I'm just so mad I could stamp my foot! ('cept I hurt my foot and I don't want to do that again LOL).

Idiots .. some people are just idiots.

Cheers

Dear Christi,

For what it is worth, here's a cyber hug from me

((((Christi)))))))

I wish all this pain and suffering would just go away. Meanwhile, maybe it would be a good idea to tell your brother to take your mother home with him today, right now. The rest of the court case can be settled later, IF he really goes through with it. Meanwhile, let him live with Mom for a few weeks. He may come around on bended knee asking you to take her back - and then you can say, OK, as soon as the court case is dropped.

You can prove she was never locked in, (her friends can testify), but any judge who has any experience with AD knows that some of those patients HAVE to be locked in!

Meanwhile send along with her a sheaf of papers full of information such as a printout of 'The Seven Stages of Alzheimers' and hope he takes the time to read it.

In my family the problem was one sibling who refused to take Mom to her home except for short visits, and who denied anything was wrong with her. The other 2 (myself and my brother) were active in helping Mom, including getting someone to watch her for several hours a day.

Considering your small child, you may be far better off without your Mom, so keep investigating assisted living homes --- so when he brings her back you have other alternatives.

Good luck! You will be in my prayers.

love,

Martha

GD, I am so sorry you're having all these troubles. I give you cyberhugs too...

I have a sister who once thought she could do better taking care of dad than I could. She's been taking dad's money little by little for years now so there is a lot of tension. She doesn't know that I know what she's doing and I prefer to keep it that way. All will be settled once dad is gone. Now dad is with her and he's happy (he is) and safe (I think). Dad's been there for 3 years and he likes it there. That's all that matters to me, that he likes it.

She has stolen thousands of dollars from right under his nose.

Sorry if I don't make a lot of sense but I'm trying to get my thyroid under control again and sometimes I get a bit loopy.

Anyway, my sister was in HUGE denial for years. And the only way she could ever have gotten out of the denial was to get a big dose of reality check. So when she wanted dad to come stay with her 700 miles away from me, I sent him with her. I backed completely out of it. I got copies of his medical records and sent them to my sister so she could make the arrangements for medical care. I call there and ask about dad. I talk to him. And now my sister sees what I went thru with him. It took her a long time to come out of denial. She and her husband thought I was making more out of the situation than really was there. I wasn't, of course. Now they see that. Theyn would have never gotten it if I hadn't done the hardest thing I ever had to do, let someone else take over.

I can't advise you on whether you should send your mom to your brother's house. But I can tell you that should your brother take mom home with him, he'll see your side. After some time (mom will be at her best for as long as possible), your brother will find out the truth.

And he will only understand if he's put in your shoes.

I hope he just said what he said in haste and doesn't really mean it.

Love, Barb

My husband decided to see how mom does tomorrow when she comes home from brother's visit. I really would hate to see her go with my brother because my brother doesn't want to watch over her he jsut wants her to give him money. In *** of that I am writing her doctors exactly of what has been going on here for the last month. I am also applying for an auxilary grant for my mother. I know my mom will hate me for putting her into an alf but I'm truely afraid of what my brother would do with her. He acts like there is nothing wrong with her. He lets her drive and drops her off at the mall alone! I'm having such a hard time because I really like being in control of the best care for my mother. But you as well as everyone else is right. I can't just think about me, I have 2 little girls and a husband wrapped up in this too. It broke my heart to hear my 2 year old the other night, wonder if grandma is always mad. So if mom is angery tomorrow I will ask her to pack her bags. She can't believe my brother is 'perfect' and I'm always wrong, but at the same time want to live in my house. I would honestly rather her hate me and be in the best care. How do you do this? How do you decide to put them inan alf or nh, knowing that she will probably never want to see me again?
Thanks for the hugs. I felt them. After painting today (that's how I relax) I began to relize that if my brother takes me to court he may be in more trouble than he thinks. He stole around $700 from my mom while she was in the hospital and legally at that time she had been declared incompetant. I have proof. He also convinced her to give him a $500 loan and has not payed it off yet. Hmmm.

thanks yall.
christi

Dear Christi,

If your Mom gets mad at you and says she never wants to see you again, think of it as a temporary abberation. In a very short time, weeks or months, she will forget all about the argument, the discussion, why she is there, etc.

Example: since my Mom lost her memory she is back about 10 or more years in her mind. She has no memory of things that happened from about 1995 to the present. When I left my unbearable marriage to live with her in NY, she absolutely hated my Ex. If he ever called, she hung up on him. Now she always asks me how is X? And makes some comment about his career, which ended in 1995! I always say he is fine, everyone is fine, he enjoys his job.

Your Mom will also forget all about whatever she is angry about now. Eventually she won't even know who you are. But you will have protected your little girls from bad influences. That is more important.

Love,

Martha

Christi, how far along is your mom? Is she still able to remember and function fairly well at times?

And do you think your brother might be jealous that your mom wants to be with you and not him? Or is he trying to get your mom there with him so that he can take advantage of her assets without you knowing about it?

Love, Barb

my mom was doing really good there for a few months, but since they've started taking away her aricept you can see some changes. She still does better than the lady down the road who can't remember anything. With her it's getting the story straight. She remembers the people and a few of the events but she can't remember the order anything happened.
My brother emailed me today and asked if he can have her for 4 days out of the week. I emailed him and told hm what would the point be? Her living here for 3 days and staying with him the rest. That's dumb! I just actually got my mom signed in for respite care in an ALF. I know she's going to hate it only because my brother told her that some of those places we looked at were so terrible and how they treated their patients was unconsiderable. He saw one out of the 10 or so we saw. That one just happened to be the worst on we saw! When you walked through the front door of that one there was an older man standing there with a beer in hand talking to the wall. Unfortunally some of them are that way but I want mom to know that they are not all like that. The ones that she would go into (because of her daycare) are great places with people just like her that don't think anything is wrong with them. She finds out on Tuesday of next week. I'm interested to know if she's coming home from my brother on Tuesday or if she's going to decide to stay forever.
My brother is only jealous that he's not using her money. When my mom went through all this he got upset and told my other siblings and I that my mom wrote a will out (there was never one). In the will it supposely stated that we got nothing and he got everything. I hired a lawyer to find the will and sure enough there was no such thing. So I as POA split everything between the lot of us. My sister didn't want anything so it was split between my brothers and I. My brother has convinced that my oldest brother sold everything he had and then that we got everything esle and he didn't get anything. I laughted!!! He got it and sold what he could right away! Jealous, only because there's no mula in it for him!

Sorry one more thing.
Now my oldest brother has moved back home. He told me that he's not telling my mom he's here because he doesn't want to have anything to do with him family other than me. We both know that my mom will go to him everytime she's upset (which is often) and probably won't leave him alone. He's afraid for his children, he told me he didn't want to put them through what I put my girls through. Apart of me is very stressed about the whole situation. I was always the one that was able to put peace between my brothers and now they'd probably kill each other if left in the same room! At the same time I understand my brother's thing. He's got no job and no place to live right now, taking in my mom is NOT a possibility! My mom would be hurt for a little while but it would go away tomorrow. Next week she might remember something about it but like I said, ti'll all be distorted. By the time she's fully off her aricept he should be moved into something with a job and she'll always believe that he lives in OH instead of here.
I have to say that as I write and read what yall say, I destress. Apart from the Pepsi I just drank at 10:30pm I should now sleep pretty well.

Oh Christy, do I understand the spot you're in!!!

I was always the go-between for my family too. But I don't have that job anymore. The one's who used to use me to communicate no longer use me for that. It's good for me that they don't put me in the middle anymore. I don't think I could take that stress anymore. But it's sad too. I lost my mom and two brothers since the fueding began and not everyone would even go to those funerals. They hate each other that much.

I still have a brother and two sisters left. The younger sister (I'm the middle girl) has my dad with her. The older sister won't speak to anyone but me. The brother only speaks to my younger sister and me. He speaks to my younger sister every few months. I hear from him once every couple of years. He got mad at me for a while because I still speak to my older sister. He made me choose between him and her. Because he gave me the ultimatum, I chose her. He lives only about 30 miles from me and we've seen each other twice in 10 years.

All of this used to bother me. It doesn't bother me anymore. They live their lives and I live mine. I still love them and always will. I just wish they could somehow accept each other. In every situation, all of them are right to some degree and all of them are wrong. But none of them wants to admit they're wrong....

So here we are....those who pick up the pieces and take care of what needs to be taken care of. We do it without caring about who gets what. We do it because we love our loved one and because it's the right thing to do. And without so much as a thank you from those who are too busy worrying about who's getting what and who's right or wrong.

Maybe your brother will change his mind about seeing your mom once he has a job and is settled into a home. But even if he doesn't, know that he must still care. If he didn't, he wouldn't have told you where he was. Give your brother credit for keeping the lines of communication open. Time will tell if your brothers will come to terms with one another or not. But don't let yourself get caught up in that. You have enough stress with your mom. It's not your job to smooth things over.

Take care and have a great weekend!

Love, Barb

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