Hi. I'm sunflower. I am in the biggest mess I have ever been in in my entire life. I guess I will start from the beginning and hope that someone will choose to read all of this lengthy post because it will be long. I met my best friend and the love of my life when I was 16 years old. I fell in love with him the minute I saw him. He was 19 and I was 16. He was in a relationship when I met him and we did become friends with no physical attachement. Shortly after we became friends his girlfriend who was 14 at the time became pregnant. They stayed together until shortly after she had the baby. Her family hated him from the very beginning of the relationship and threw him to the side after his child was born. After that him and I began seeing each other about every other month or so. I had relationships but every one I have been with since I met him I have either cheated on or left for him. When his child was 2 1/2 he got another girl pregnant and had another child. When his second child was born I was engaged to be married to someone else...but I ended up leaving him to be with my best friend. My best friend is severely bi polar and we were together for 2 1/2 years and it was absolute hell. I love him with every bone in my body, but he did not want to accept that he had a problem and would always get on his meds and off his meds and I finally decided I couldn't take it anymore so I left him about 8 months ago. When I left the most horrendous thing you could imagine happened. His oldest son's grandmother (who has custody) decided she wanted to be rid of him forever so she accussed him of child molestation and he was thrown in jail. We were already broken up at this time but I still loved him and I supported him and was the primary witness in the case. During the 7 months that he has been locked up I decided to move on with my life. I met the most amazing man and convinced myself that I was in love with him. He proposed to me last month and I accepted the proposal. He doesn't live near me so this means a move in my near future. He is stable, financially, emotionally, and he doesn't yell, scream, cuss, get jealous, not trust me...he is everything my ex is not...but he doesn't hold my heart in the palm of his hand. I had this illusion of a great and wonderful future that my family always wanted for me and decided to run with it. I guess it was easy for me to come to this decision because my ex was locked up and I didn't have to face the feelings that I have for him. Just this past weekend he was released from jail and the charges were dropped. (The charges were completely and totally bogus from the very beginning.) I went to one of his family functions because I have remained close with his family. I did not know he was out until I showed up and he was standing there. We spent two days together and my feelings came back full force. I know that the right thing to do is look out for myself and my future, but how do you do that knowing how much you love someone else? I guess I just need some advice from someone who is bipolar or someone who is dealing with a bipolar partner. I love him with all my heart and I don't think I will ever be able to completely let go, but is it worth all the heartache that a spouse of a bipolar person has to go to, for true love? Hopeless!!!!

In a word, NO. He is not only bipolar, which has its own set of problems, but he has serious character flaws as well. I can think of a hundred good reasons why you should stay away from this guy. Perhaps you could use some counseling to help figure out why you are drawn to this guy.

Just read through past threads on this board to see the heartache that is caused by being in love with an unmedicated bipolar individual....

Thanks for the advice. However, I wish it were as easy as just walking away. If it were, I would just run in the opposite direction....but I can't. I love him and want to be there for him and help him...so let me ask you this....the feelings I have for my ex, even if I am able to keep myself from going back to him, is it fair to go through with my marriage to my fiancee knowing how I feel about my ex?

don't marry anyone just yet.....something in your post JUMPED :blob_fire out at me.....you said you CONVINCED yourself you were in love with him.....so you talked yourself into it huh? It's not going to work.....you shouldn't have to convince yourself into anything

I was with a person that was bipolar type I from the age of 17 to 20.

I met him during one of my 'high' phases so I loved the intensity of the relationship. For once I knew I didn't have to hide my extremes/randomness. He seemed to encourage them and understand how I felt. I never had as melodramatic lows as he did though. I just recently in the past year learned about bipolar type II which I suspect I am after years of misdiagnosis for general anxiety disorder/depression/post traumatic stress disorder.

Anyways, back to the BP boyfriend. He was quite paranoid/controlling/angry at first. I tried to end things after graduating from high school and he threatened to kill himself (the melodramatic low I mentioned before)... then he'd say he was sorry... time and time again. He knew he was bipolar but said he didn't like what lithium did to him. I stuck with his *** until shortly before my 21st birthday. He became not only verbally abusive but physically abusive. The whole time I loved him though, even after I had to get a restraining order. Before that final point I thought for some crazy reason that I could help save him. In a way it was like saving myself. By making 'us' work it was like proving that I was a good person. That the combo of our two craziness would equal a slightly stable success.

That whole rambling story is me trying to say to you that I know where you are coming from in loving someone that isn't worth loving. I have since learned that this past ex's whole family gave up on him after stealing money (including mine, but I thought in the end getting him to leave me alone was a winning deal). You will see from posts throughout this board stories of people having their lives ruined from a BP spouse/significant other. You have done MORE than what you should when it comes to loving this best friend ... at this point it would be harmful for you to go out of your way for him anymore.

It's one thing to make decisions/choices as a BP when you are not medicated and not aware. It's another thing to defiantly say "No, I will not be medicated" and give into the destructiveness repeatedly when you know of your disorder. When it is the later where they refuse to be medicated time and time again ... after numerous selfish/hurtful/wrong decisions ... I have to agree with tsohl that you should stay away from this guy. I want to say "He is a lost cause" but I feel as though you'd then think "Well I can save him." That's what I once thought. You can't. I think the fact that he's been able to carelessly father two children proves that he is a lost cause.

I don't want to be rude, but what is it that draws you to him? Is it the idea of fixing him? Does his craziness make you feel alive in comparison to the current guy? I know the questions sound odd, but I'm just asking because I was once drawn to the same type before I learned about my own condition.

I agree it's not the time to marry anyone but your ex does not have a very good resume. I would think long and hard about that and then the bp complicates matters even more. If he is not medicated forget any kind of relationship with him. I agree with what Rose and Tsohl said.

hi sun....please maybe you could tell him your truth. sure there will be anxiety....kinda universal. he will go on knowing that sometimes, he can trust....what a great experience....trust your heart....rishi ps. the "him" being fiancee....and as for your bp guy, love deeply from a distance. just my experience....hope you can learn from it rishi

I think you need to tell your fiance...you just need to decide if you should tell him now before he makes the trip, or wait until you see him...but you are clearly not ready to get married. It will be difficult, but you must face the reality that you are not ready to make a commitment to anyone.

Good luck.
Tsohl

oh. sunflower. Im sooo sorry. I know that guys are just a general pain but the worst is when you love one and it just never seems to go your way. the hardest thing is to let go of the feeling that you have for him and to try and move on. Ive been there. I just buried them and I love the guy im with. It suprised me on day out of the blue it was like "bang " and it hit me. All i can say is if you marry him and find out later that u just cant live without your best friend then thats you, but at least you can know that you gave a new love and neew life a try. GOOD LUCK !

I have decided that I have to tell my fiancee the truth, just how much of the truth? Should I break it off completely? Or tell him I just need time to sort out my feelings? And do I tell him before he flies half way across the country, or over the phone? I mean I think this is something I should tell him in person, but I don't want him to feel like he wasted his money coming to see me.

Thanks...it is the hardest thing I have ever been through. I want to give a new love and a new life a try, but I know deep in my heart that I would always wonder "What if?" I just don't know how to let go of the feelings...we had a long discussion last night about how we truly feel and why our relationship didn't work and came to a conclusion. We are totally nuts about each other, and we don't want to let go. We know that we will probably not be able to ever work things out, but we have agreed that we want to remain friends because neither of us could live without the other one in our lives at least as a friend. I want to be able to put as much time and energy and love into my new relationship that I have put into my old one, but it just isn't happening.

If things were equal, who would you want to spend your life with?

My best friend...the ex. If I could force myself to be a superficial person, I wouldn't be having second thoughts right now. I would be able to move on and be with the "Better choice"...meaning the choice my parents, entire family, and society would want me to choose...the knight in shining armour....well my knight in shining armour is more like a thorn in my side, but I can't help the way I feel about him. I would rather fight like h** with him than get along with anyone else.