I think I have some time to share a bit of what I went through.

At the age of 12 I was diagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenic. I don't remember alot of that time, why my parents took me to a psychiatrist, what I was doing to concern them. I do remember being in that office, and going into a rage that required them to restrain me and dose me up, with I think Thorazine. That night I was put in the ER, tied down and medicated and the next day put into an adult mental health ward at a hospital. I was the only child there. My parents did everything they could to blame me, and push me off into some one else's care. They never seemed to want to understand how I felt. The lack of control, the lonelyness, and how my childhood was torn away from me. I was lucky to even graduate on time. How could I have friends at school when they all seemed to know some thing was wrong with me, and I had a hard enough time making friends before that. I remember some nights crying in bed alone, feeling no one cared. Times in concrete rooms, restrained, dealing with the antipsychotic medinces and antidepressants I had to take. The worst effect was the photosensitivity, I itched in the sun and burned bad and fast, which is worse for me as I am dark complexion and tan nicely. My parents kept blaming me for every thing, for all the money they spent on treatment, which always seemed to be long term care some where else, rarely visiting, and making excuses for why I should be there instead of home. All I wanted was to be a kid, and enjoy the time I had. Over time they stepped me off the medication, til where when I was about 18 I was fully off it and for a short time just seeing a counselor to be sure every thing was alright. I eventually stopped that, the counselor agreed it wasn't needed.

I was one of the rare lucky ones. I don't ever remember hallucinating, hearing things. My thoughts are still a little fast and can get jumbled. But in the end I was able to recover and put it in the past. I have looked at the SZ forums and find it odd, I just can't identify with much of any thing they are saying over there, not like I can with what is going on now with my love and her bipolar disorder.

So for me, being abandonned and walked away from when I was mentally ill by my parents, how can I do that to some one I love? I swore I would not be like my parents, make the mistakes they did. If I am can't accept the second chance for any reason, or can't be there when or if she needs me, then I have failed her like my parents failed me.