Today it all seems too much. I have been depressed and anxious nearly all my life - since I was twelve. I have three children and I am desperately overprotective of them. If anything goes wrong for them at school I get really upset and worried (but try not to show it). I live in fear of them becoming depressed and anxious like me, and realise that I am probably the worst possible role-model. My eldest is quite shy and reserved and doesn't make friends easily so I worry that he hasn't got enough friends and that he'll end up lonely and unloved. This worrying is killing me. The thought of spending the next twenty to thirty years of my life worrying about my children makes me ill.

I used to write fiction, for fun, and to escape. Now I can't even seem to do that any more. I can't focus on it. My thoughts and worries and fears go around and around in my head. If anyone read my earlier post you will know I've finished a teaching degree but had one disastrous day of substitute teaching and now am scared to do it again in case it's disastrous again. I've done lots of reading about subbing, since then, but the idea of putting theory into practise is daunting to say the least.

I'm just so sick of feeling like this. I don't seem to have the energy or motivation to do anything except worry about my kids and what a loser I am.

Sorry to be so depressing today...

Hi Trixi. Your bad day during substituting was simply just a bad day. It shouldn't define what kind of teacher you are. Even the best professors have bad days. I'm in uni and some of the students were directly making fun of the teacher who has a PhD and tons of research and publications under his name. There will always be tough students.

As for worrying about your kids, I wish someone told me that this was part of the package so I could decide not to have any, lol! Don't get me wrong. I love my kids dearly, but I constantly worry about them and I am extremely overprotective of them as is my husband. I also worry that I may have passed on the depression gene to them. I fear for predators, kidnappers, etc that they never play outside unless I can quickly snatch them out of harm's way. I am afraid for any physical pain they may experience and I pray all the time for God to have me endure their pain so they won't have to. I think the best thing we can do is love them unconditionally with all our hearts.

I really don't have any advice about the worrying, but please know that you are NOT a loser. You are a very loving mother and a person who keeps her integrity in a job well done. Take care. :)

Dear Trixibel.....
You should never call yourself a loser because you are overprotective for your children.....quite the opposite, it makes you a normal loving mother.
I dont know a mother who loves her children that couldnt be "worried" for them. How can you not be with what is out in the world for them to face? I worry about my son all the time.......because firstly he has food allergies, and I worry every time anyone but me serves him a meal and I'm not there.....to think, a few peanuts and he could be in hospital or WORSE! How to get over this? You dont!!! You just have to accept it! I also worry that sometimes I get stressed out I get very impatient and short with him and I worry that he may grow up thinking his mom is always so "irritable".....but I know that my son knows I love him more than anything in the world.....and I will make sure he always knows that.
You can not ask a mother to be "not overprotective" of her child any more than you can ask her to not "love" that child......but you can just balance that overprotectiveness.......What I mean is that although you worry about them in school, their happiness, the big bad world out there and all the "strangers".....concentrate that energy into "arming" them for it........
Teach them all the usual dos and donts.....but also give them space as they grow to enjoy their life and dont analyze them every step of the way. Your daughter may be quiet right now but she may not always be that way and if that's not the case, some kids are just quite by personality. Give them just enough freedom to enjoy their lives and especially one thing I think is so important that all parents should do is to not wrap your whole life up 100% in your children. Make sure you have interests of your own, dont let everything be about them, because when they're grown up and want to go explore life, you'll need to have other focuses so that they feel free to leave mom and enjoy their life. (Trust me on this from personal experience).
This is where your teaching comes in. Please dont use that one day as any kind of example. If I remember from many moons ago in high school, the kids always gave the poor supply teachers a hard time, it was a given every time!!
I'm sure if you ask a supply teacher who has taught many classes, it has happened dozens of times!!!!! It's kind of like a rite of passage or initiation into teacherhood!!! Tough profession you're getting into but so incredibly worthwhile! Give yourself a huge pat on the back for that!!!!! And go out there and conquer it, you and your children will be so proud of YOU!!!! Your depression is something you have to deal with along the way but first and foremast your family comes first and your great career is something you should also be very proud of!!! Go get 'em!!!

Hope this helps,

Carsam :)

Thanks. That's so nice. I agree totally about having other interests and I do. I don't 'live through them' or expect them to achieve all these great things to please me. I just want them to be happy. But what parent doesn't want their child to be happy. As I said, I like to write, but I can't seem to focus on it at the moment.

As for the teaching, yes i will give it another go. I've been doing lots of reading about how to handle discipline in the classroom. I think I'd like to get a full time job instead of subbing, that way you get to know the kids which i'd like. I thought subbing would suit me at the moment because I don't want to work full time but i'm starting to think that full time would be better than two horrible days a week. mind you I'm sure it will get better if I persevere. I think my problem this week has been having too much time to sit and think about the 'bad' things, like my father being ill (he's just had a hip replacement) my mother being depressed because he's ill and she feels guilty about going off to play bridge and stuff while he's at home recuperating. It's a bit selfish I know but I feel like everyone's leaning on me at the moment and there's no one for me to lean on. Here I go again...oh woe is me! - lol.

Basically we have to appreciate every good moment in our lives and take one day at a time.

How is your mother going, Carsam?

Justlilme, I too sometimes think, 'if I'd known I'd worry this much about them maybe I wouldn't have had them'. But I'm glad I didn't think that because a) they bring me so much joy and b) depression and anxiety, much as we all hate it, can bring good things as well. look at all the depressed artists and musicians over the years and look at what they produced. if everyone was happy and balanced maybe no one would write, or paint, or compose. And my depression comes with a flipside, which is euphoria, which I have when I'm in creative mode (less and less frequently nowadays, unfortunately) but while it lasts it's wonderful.

good luck to you both and thanks for replying. :)

Trixibel, sounds to me as though you think that you only have one chance for anything and if you screw it up chaos will occur, bad things will happen, and it can never be corrected. OMG, I am anxious just thinking about this type of reality! Trixibel, this is not the way life is. When I realized that I didn't have to be perfect I was liberated. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT. I make mistakes with my children all the time. I yell, then I apoligize, I get grumpy with them and then apoligize. Everything can be corrected, everything! I remember your history with your parents and I'll bet you want to be perfect so that they will love you. We all want to be loved by our parents. When you get to be an adult though you have to make the switch to self-love or you will drive your self crazy.

Thanks Sannah. You're right, and I'm working hard on my self love. Seriously. My goal this year is to be happy. Sounds trite, but it's true.
I too get grumpy with my kids and apologise. And i explain why i'm grumpy, if i'm worried about something, if i'm nervous about something - I make sure they know that it's not their fault and they're not bad kids. I tell them if I think I was unfair, or overreacted, or whatever. And I will do more subbing. I'm not going to give up after one bad experience.

i've had therapy, and I know now that I'm not a bad person. I'm kind to myself. I'm learning to put myself first and not feel guilty. I used to measure myself by other people but i'm over that now. But I'm very, very selective about my friends because I don't like to be with anyone who makes me feel uncomfortable. I'd rather be alone than with people I don't feel comfortable with. I've spent my life feeling anxious in case I'm saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, hyperalert to peole's reactions to me. But it's come back two fold because I feel I've got to be a 'good' role model for my kids and if the parents don't like me then they might stop their kids playing with mine. Some parents are sooo judgemental. I'm so over wanting people to like me. It's been the curse and the bane of my life. Seriously. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm 38 and I'm still trying to peel back the layers of politeness and find if there's anything real underneath. I don't fit in with the mothers at school and I feel that's bad for my kids. But when I try to fit in I don't feel real.

Thanks for your reply. Your advice is good. :)

But I'm very, very selective about my friends because I don't like to be with anyone who makes me feel uncomfortable. I'd rather be alone than with people I don't feel comfortable with.

I've spent my life feeling anxious in case I'm saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, hyperalert to peole's reactions to me.

Hi Trixibel, this is how I worked through my issues. If I was uncomfortable with a situation/people I needed to analyze why. When you find the answers to these questions you will increase your functioning incredibly. If you don't figure out what is bothering you in situations and you just avoid them, you are going to miss out on life. Once you figure this stuff out you still might choose to avoid certain people/situations but you will do this with full knowledge and then you will know what you need to pursue in order to have a full life. It really is a learning opportunity to increase your awareness of yourself.