This is my first time ever posting here so Ill give a brief introduction. Im a medical student halfway through my training. What prompted me to write here today is a deep-seated feeling of loneliness and self hate. I have had bouts of depression since I was a young girl and it plagues even more these days because of the stress that I am under now. I could not sleep at all last night (and for many nights) because I feel like there is something that is just intrinsically not loveable about me, that I let down everyone who takes the time to get to know me. I am great at making good first impressions- but I follow up by not keeping in touch. This is a pattern that I have had for a while. I don't know if this is some sort of protective mechanism or what- but I hate myself for being this way. I constantly compare myself to everyone around me all the time- I always manage to find something that I am lacking in. There are many issues that I am dealing with simultaneously and most of the time I feel like i cant handle them all. For example, I am living sort of a secret life- which my close friends and most of my family do not know about. I used to be very religious and the friends that I have from childhood are also very religious- but in the past few years I have abandoned most of my religious beliefs, yet I put up a front with those friends and certain family members because I know that if they really knew who I am that they will leave me. (And I know this to be true of certain family members). This make me feel incredibly guilty and I think about it quite often during the day. I feel ashamed, guilty, and just like a complete liar. My therapist can understand,, but only to a certain point because she doesn't believe that my family would disown me, but they would. There are so many issues that I am going through right now, and I cant see myself finding a resolution.

Drgirl, do you think that your selfhate is from your beliefs that you are not doing what your parents or God want you to do? I have a hard time with religious groups who have this very strict behavior code and if you don't follow it then you are "out". To me, these people are acting like God themselves, that they are so smart that they know what God wants. The teachings of Christ are of love and acceptance and of forgiveness and I feel that a lot of these Christians have completely missed the message.

I think that I a lot of my self hate does come from knowing that the way that I am living would cause a huge rift in my family and sometimes I wonder if I am being selfish for making decisions that are going against my religion. I know that if my parents knew, that I would not be allowed to be a part of my younger half-siblings lives. (they are 6, 4, and 1 y.o.). My father was very abusive growing up both physically and verbally. I feel like the way that I see myself is a result of listening to all of his negativity about me, and I cant seem to shake it off. I thought that getting older I would be able to- but I still feel like that young girl who was constantly berated by him. The irony is that the same family members who would disown me are complete hypocrits who dont even follow religion closely anyway.

Drgirl, I really feel for you. I have an uncle who could be your dad. His dad was an alcoholic. My uncle is filled with rage. He would beat my male cousins (his stepsons). Once they moved out he then moved on to his own daughter. Now that she has moved out now he beats my aunt (my mom's sister). This family is sooooo religious. My uncle is such a hypocrit! He makes me so angry. I haven't had any contact with this family in decades. His oldest stepson is a drug addict now.

IMO, if a religion is valid and good it is functional. If Jesus is about love, compassion, forgiveness, CHRISTIANS should feel these very important attributes of Christ. If they are not, I feel that the followers are on the wrong path. Religious leaders are only human. They do not have a hotline to God even though many of them feel that they do. IMO everything in this world can function and work if we humans do not interfere and we work with the nature of things. God's earth was created to function and if it or we are not functioning correctly we are not listening.

If your dad is such a good Christian, why was he berating his child? Is this Christlike? Your family feels that they are on THE correct path - doesn't sound like it to me.

hi drgirl,

i think that by going to med school, you're accomplishing a lot!! i also think that you're old enough by now to choose certain aspects of your religion (whatever that may be, hebrew, muslim, christian, hindu, etc.), that you feel most comfortable with. no religion was built so that people will suffer from believing in it. in my opinion, the extreme fundamentalists are the ones that twist it in such a way as to make it very difficult for people to LIVE life. it also leads to much despair and destruction--we can look around the world and see what's been done in the name of extreme fundamentalist religion...but that's another story.

but back to you---do you really have to let your family know what you do in yor spare time, or how you think? has this change that you've gone through made it necessary for you to reveal this? if YOU've made your decisions about this, and you're still a good person underneath all of the superficial appearances, why does anyone have to know anything about it? just curious!

Reading your responses has really been helpful to me, because its nice to share sumthing that is so personal- that really so few ppl in my life know about Anyway, back to your question Dakota, my family doesnt have to know- at least rite now- but I guess whats is killing me is that I feel like a liar- and I always have in the back of my mind that fear of "what is they find out". I feel like I always have to watch my back in case they show up at my apt one day to surprise me. I feel like they dont know now- but one day they will find out and I am scared to death of the possibility of losing them.

hi drgirl,

so it's not so much the religion itself that bothers you, it's your family's reaction to your transformation, or not living life in a way that would be "appropriate" for your family based on what their beliefs are. well, here we go....it's not God/nature/the universe who's the angry, ultimate, maker and destroyer of everything in the world, it's people! and that's how we return back to basics--i really wonder why we think we are so civilized at this point in time, that we can EVEN entertain the idea of "disowning" our children.!!!

people have such a wonderful way of backing themselves AND others into corners, making it hard for others--and even for themselves--to escape from such unneccessary torments. who in the world (not even God) would disown their child (and we are all His children), even if they think that child has made a mistake, knowingly or unknowingly. it should actually be all about forgiveness, not guilt,...unless you're a serial murderer and...well, then it's quite different...but there, the person has actually hurt and/or put a stop to somone's life...

i'm sorry you have so much fear in you, drgirl. this is a very sad situation. do you REALLY believe that they will actually, truly, disown you if they knew "who" you really are, or how you choose to live your life?
and, are you a christian or ...?

but I guess whats is killing me is that I feel like a liar- and I always have in the back of my mind that fear of "what is they find out". I feel like I always have to watch my back in case they show up at my apt one day to surprise me. I feel like they dont know now- but one day they will find out and I am scared to death of the possibility of losing them.


drgirl, wow, this would provoke some anxiety! You can either stay at this level of anxiety or make some tough choices.