well, I've been going to see my therapist now for about 2 weeks. She wants me to see her twice a week, as I am having difficulty coping with things. We started to touch on grief and loss issues which I knew would be very difficult. I made an appointment for a physical with bloodwork set for 4/11, as per her recommendation. I am still having difficulty giving up the diet pills, which is a struggle for me. She is trying to educate me about eating disorders, including the stages and consequences. I am trying to be open-minded about things. When she gave me the list of symptoms, I was surprised to find out that I fall into the critical stage of this disorder. A lot of my thoughts and behaviors are anorxia in nature. I guess my denial has been telling me over the years that it wasn't that bad. Well, as reality sets in, it is that bad.

I have starting journaling, also my therapists recommedation. In my journal, I am attempting to write a closure letter to my best friend who died of advanced breast cancer in June 2005 at the age of 28. Things have been aweful in my life since then, so this is definately an intregal part of my recovery.

Excessive exercise is another struggle for me and I have to admit that I did go out for "one of my ED runs" this afternnon. I know that things will get a little bit worse before they get better when it coms to recovery due to digging up the painful memories. Part of what I need to learn is healthy outlets versus compulsive behaviors. I haven't gotten that far yet.

Lastly, I am also struggling with appetite loss. Granted, I know that this can be linked to both the diet pills and the compulsive exercise, but I'm also thinking it has something to do with the grief and loss stuff. Anyway, I go for treatment on Tuesday & Thursday evenings after work. I have been being honest with my therapist about what is going on, as I truly feel that I am only as sick as my secrets.

Hope everybody is doing okay. Thanks for listening.

Congratulations on taking a big step!

I know it's painful and difficult, but you can recover and you can find healthy outlets for your grief & frustrations like journalling or photography, singing, listening to music, gardening, drawing. It doesn't always have to be food and exercise.

Excessive exercise is a hard, hard habit to break, but you will be so glad once you do accomplish it. You will suddenly find yourself with a lot more time to do other things and to have a life. Exercise basically took over my life at one point and my days were sculpted around it. Now, exercise is sculpted around my day--meaning if I don't have time to exercise, if I'm too tired, if I'm sick or need a break, I just don't exercise. I take days off each week from exercise and my exercise is now a normal amount and much lower intensity. Usually now I walk instead of run or use the ellipitical trainer if I go to the gym (but again at lower intensity levels and speeds than before).

It's painful to deal with these issues and move on, but now life is precious to me again, I feel I deserve to live and enjoy beauty around me (especially in the spring, it's so beautiful outside with everything turning green and all the flowers & birds).

Keep up the good work! :blob_fire :blob_fire