How can one get over the loss of a person you have been inseperable from for the past 23 years. We just celebrated my wifes 45 birthday and now we found out that she was diagnosed with 4th stage lung cancer and it is spreading fast into her lympnods. I feel so lost, sad, mad, I feel like throwing up all the time, all around just down right empty. I know thousands of people go through this, and now I am one of them. This lady has been the love of my life and inspiration and backbone. How do I cope? I have lost many people to "this nasty disease". My wife has smoked for many years, but the doctors said that not just smokers get lung cancer. But it does contribute to the health. I have sat back and thought and thought about how many societies and memberships are out there, asking for donations, support, etc. But the one thing that goes through my mind, is if these "damn cigarettes", excuse my language, but I am mad, are so bad and are filled with so many posions, as strong and powerful as our government is, why do they keep them legal? Is it all about the money? Is it that our country doesn't give a crap about us? If it were illegal, would there be alot of pharmaceuticals and doctors that would go out of business? I am so sorry for the rambling, but I am so lost and scared right now. I thank the higher being for letting me have a wonderful son to lean on at this time, but as with him, he is just as lost and confussed. Stay well everyone and love each other everyday as if it were your last. :wave:

Jamesm45, your feelings of anger at this time is so understandable to people facing this terrible news. You never "just" get over the loss of someone who is so special to you and who has been your soul and inspiration for 23 years. This is the scariest transition to face and come to terms with. I lost my mom to stage 4 small cell lung cancer that metastisized to her brain (which is how we found out) Dec 2005. We were so close she was my rock. I am so lost without her there isn't a day she doesn't come to my mind, I miss her so much. In fact I started missing her the day we found out. At first I was numb and then I was scared, then I was mad, I wished my ears never heard the news I just wanted to rewind our lives to a better time. I was angry at her, the Dr's, the cigarettes, the whole thing made me mad. I was so scared and couldn't grasp the situation on my own so I went to the book store and loaded up on every book I could find on losing a loved one as well books on what your dying loved one wants from us. I had to because people around me didn't want to talk about it, the Dr's brushed it off but I needed to know things. I bought books on helping dying loved ones as well books on how the patients family can gain coping skills I found some very honest and helpful books to guide me down the path to accept the news as best I could considering I had no control of the situation. I had to accept what the outcome would be I also wanted to understand the needs of my mom as she was very scared. It was difficult for me to accept that she smoked until the day she died but it was her support.. it is terrible the hold these little white tubes of death have on a person but they do and the government knows it, they ban smoking in public places and make it difficult for the smoker to smoke but it is the revenue it brings in that keeps them from totally banning the production and sales of them. The amount of money smoker's invest to government and tobaco companies you would think if they really cared about the health of humanity the money would not even be a thought, they would just suck up the loss and allow people their health. They don't care. Then they rant and rave about health cost's and they cut out health care and they are the suppliers of the disease. They may as well go into the illegal drug industry too it's just as lethal and a huge profit maker. I'm sorry but I too am very angry. When I lost my mom my best friend a huge part of my person went with her, I am not the same easy going, happy person I was when I had her to laugh with and to talk to. James words are difficult and it's hard to accept comfort from other's when you are hurting, but I really feel in my heart the sorrow for your family. Your special lady needs her family now for love, inspiration and support- love every minute you have together and hold her close to your heart. Also you and your son need each other, you have a tough road ahead and keep yourselves well for each other too. Being a care-giver is an exhausting job emotionally as well physically so don't spread yourself thin, ask for help when you need it, although I found I was very possessive with my mom, I really didn't want any relief from her even if I did, I never had any offer's. This is a good site for you for support james everyone here cares deeply for you and your family.

You can be mad at the smokers and the makers of cigarettes and wish they were illegal, but they probably never will be. The money in that industry is just too huge. My mom died of lung cancer and she never smoked a day in her life which makes you question was it second hand smoke? Was it radon?Was it air pollution? We will never know.

How do you get over the loss? You really don't as it becomes a part of you. For many of us we grieved as the illness progressed by the time death did arrive it was what may sound very odd to you right now a relief.When my mom was battling NCSLC stage IV I expected to be totally shattered when she did die but found that instead a sense of relief washed over me. One of my sister's and I went walking the next morning and talked about how weird it was that we felt this way and that life just goes on. I miss my mom more then I can say but find comfort by focusing not on what I lost but rather on what I had. I had the best mom in the world and I had a fantastic relationship with her. To me it would be much sadder to have never had that then to have had it and lost it. I know so many people that did not have a good relationship with their mothers so I know I was blessed.

Her 2 1/2 year battle was a roller coaster ride at times and at first I was consumed by the fact the doctor told her he could only offer her pallitive treatment not a cure. My mom saw that as a challenge so she fought hard but 4th line chemo took its toll and she decided to quit.

I survived by telling myself that Ok she has cancer that will kill her, However; she is really not on a different playing field then me or anyone else as not one of us knows when we will die.You or I could die in the next few minutes form many things, a stroke, a heart attack, get hit by a car the list goes on and on. My mom could have died from any of those things too at any given moment .We do think she died from a pulmonary embolism..blood clot to her lung as she did not die from liver failure. By the time she stopped chemo she no longer had active cancer in her lung as for over 1 1/2 years we had just been battling the mets to her liver . Tarceva wiped out the lung tumor and it never came back. Anyway I learned to see she was no different then any of us except that she had been handed a calling card saying death is coming and that inturn allowed us to say good bye and to live each moment as if it were the last. You find things that are not important really do not matter and suddenly you do have time for the things that do matter. So many people have sudden unexpected deaths and never get to say good bye and their loved ones wander around thinking what was the last thing I said to my beloved? Did they know I loved them? Had I said it recently? Well thanks to the "calling card" called lung cancer I know my mom knows how everyone she cared about felt about her, I know what the last thing I said to her was. She got to die at home with all of us around her which sure beats dieing in a hospital.Maybe that is part of what is behind that sense of relief along with knowing she will never have any pain or suffering again.

We will all die just as we were all born and as hard as that is to accept it is one of the few truths about life. I believe we are spiritual beings having a human experience so in a way my mom did not die she just transitioned to her next experience. This means that for me despite missing her and feeling down at times that life goes on and that yes I laugh and have good times as I am still in my human experience. Someday we will be together again.

My dad was married to my mom for 56 years. He is lost without her but he is getting by, overwhelmed by all he now has to do that she use to do.I had never had a good relationship with him as he was a workaholic that did not take time to spend with me and my siblings so I prayed that he would not out live my mom but he did and now I see that maybe there was a reason for that. I think it happened this way so that we all would be forced to get to know him and see that he really is not a bad guy. He just made some poor choices which is something we all have done at one time or another. I feel so different about him now.

The best advive I can offer you and others that are new to this is listen to that inner voice and if you feel something is wrong do not let the doctors dismiss it. After her first line chemo my mom had no energy and was running a low grade fever. I mentioned this to her oncologist who wanted to write it off to the cancer but my inner voice was saying no she has either a pneumonia or UTI ( urinary tract infection). We had to battle him for tests and she actually had both! The pneumonia was so bad she had a total white out of her one lung.It was an obstructive pneumonia cased by the tumor and that was when she was started on Iressa ( next month changed to Tarceva which had just come on the market) and that changed her whole experience with lung cancer as it destroyed the lung tumor. Anyway had I let the doctor dismiss the fatigue and fever my mom probably would have quickly become septic and died and would have become one of those 6 month stastics instead she survived about 2 1/2years. Be your wife's advocate and stand up to the doctors and question them when you feel it is necessary as they are not going to watch out for your wife like you are. Spend lots of time with her and make sure she knows how much she is loved and appreciated. Leave no regrets. I am at work and had better get back to work. Know I will add you and your wife and many other newbies here to my prayers. JanMarie;)

Hi James...i feel so much for you...you need to express your feelings..and i find this board helps me...although i have only recently joined ...i found out also about amonth ago..my Husband of 44 has stage 3b lung cancer...he smoked for about 25 years much to my annoyance...his father died of lung cancer 2.5 years ago..he had smoked all his life...since then my husband has not smoked 1 cigarette...in the last 6 months he has had a tumour growing inside him...since he packed it in he got lung cancer ...why?? I feel just like you james ..sick ..sad ..angry ...my heart is very heavy..what can we do...my hubby has just finishes first cycle of chemotherapy...Gezmas and cisplatin...his side affects are not to bad as yet..and hes eating well...i too have a lovley son of 16 whos struggling with his emotions too...they cry..then you wanna cry...it is so hard....i dont think we are going to have normality again..and the fatigue we feel ...it wears you down ..some days i find myself lying in bed crying ..trying to get my head around this...i think we have to take a few deep breaths James and be strong..possitive mental attitude....helps im sure...please god ..make it.ok....i know what your feeling and going through James...take care and try and be strong..

James,
It breaks my heart when I read of yet another person being diagnosed with this disease!
You have my thoughts, prayers and please if you can stay positive for your wife it will do her wonders and always have faith!
Kim

Hi...
I don't know where to begin but I lost my precious husband 5 months ago to nsclc. When he was dx he was 3b and he lived 24 months. We were newlyweds. Both of us meeting later in life and finding our soulmate. I felt cheated, ripped off, angry at God, fired up against the cig manufacturers. He smoked for 39 yrs...when he began the Marlboro Man and John Wayne were icons. He finally quit in 1998 before we met because he did not want to get LC. Too late. The damage was done. I don't smoke but I am at high risk because of the exposure to 2nd hand smoke all of my life. All I can say is that you have to take one day at a time. It will kill your soul and there is nothing you can do about it except hang in there, and live through it. I wish I had more insight. When they started Bud's chemo, he was on Gemzar and Carboplatin. That put him in remission for 28 days. When it came back, they put him on Tarceva. But that did not work at all for him. He did not progress, but he did not improve either. Then, he went on to another regimen (Alimta), and finally by March-April of 06 they put him back on the first round drugs, but added Avastin to it. It put him back in remission, and the lung tumor stopped growing and shrank. But he kept hurting, so at my insistance, they ran MRI's of his middle and lower back and found that the LC had spread to his bones. I cannot tell you how devastated I was when I got that phone call. I "just knew" that time had run out. He was gone in two months.

PLEASE, keep your faith up and keep the hope. It will keep you alive while you journey through this with him.

Somehow, take care of yourself although you will find you are the last one to go to the doctor when you need to, go without sleep, are watching your beloved die before your eyes. Please come here often...you will need people that are in your shoes to understand what is happening in your life. I am just now coming alive again and it is not easy.

I send my love and support your way. Cyber hugs!!!!!!

Jan in So Indiana

Jamesm45 there is hope and inspiration on this site that good things can happen even during times like this. Check out the post by Hellasrules she is so encouraging and positive and miracles are on her side. Sorry if my first post to you came across as negative I didn't mean for it to be, try to keep up hope and positive thoughts. I suggested books because the reading helped me with insight into the disease and patient care and care-giving needs during this time. There are a lot of inspirational books on cancer too as well lots of hope and inspiration on this site. Have hope and check out Faith.

You can be mad at the smokers and the makers of cigarettes and wish they were illegal, but they probably never will be. The money in that industry is just too huge. My mom died of lung cancer and she never smoked a day in her life which makes you question was it second hand smoke? Was it radon?Was it air pollution? We will never know.

How do you get over the loss? You really don't as it becomes a part of you. For many of us we grieved as the illness progressed by the time death did arrive it was what may sound very odd to you right now a relief.When my mom was battling NCSLC stage IV I expected to be totally shattered when she did die but found that instead a sense of relief washed over me. One of my sister's and I went walking the next morning and talked about how weird it was that we felt this way and that life just goes on. I miss my mom more then I can say but find comfort by focusing not on what I lost but rather on what I had. I had the best mom in the world and I had a fantastic relationship with her. To me it would be much sadder to have never had that then to have had it and lost it. I know so many people that did not have a good relationship with their mothers so I know I was blessed.

Her 2 1/2 year battle was a roller coaster ride at times and at first I was consumed by the fact the doctor told her he could only offer her pallitive treatment not a cure. My mom saw that as a challenge so she fought hard but 4th line chemo took its toll and she decided to quit.

I survived by telling myself that Ok she has cancer that will kill her, However; she is really not on a different playing field then me or anyone else as not one of us knows when we will die.You or I could die in the next few minutes form many things, a stroke, a heart attack, get hit by a car the list goes on and on. My mom could have died from any of those things too at any given moment .We do think she died from a pulmonary embolism..blood clot to her lung as she did not die from liver failure. By the time she stopped chemo she no longer had active cancer in her lung as for over 1 1/2 years we had just been battling the mets to her liver . Tarceva wiped out the lung tumor and it never came back. Anyway I learned to see she was no different then any of us except that she had been handed a calling card saying death is coming and that inturn allowed us to say good bye and to live each moment as if it were the last. You find things that are not important really do not matter and suddenly you do have time for the things that do matter. So many people have sudden unexpected deaths and never get to say good bye and their loved ones wander around thinking what was the last thing I said to my beloved? Did they know I loved them? Had I said it recently? Well thanks to the "calling card" called lung cancer I know my mom knows how everyone she cared about felt about her, I know what the last thing I said to her was. She got to die at home with all of us around her which sure beats dieing in a hospital.Maybe that is part of what is behind that sense of relief along with knowing she will never have any pain or suffering again.

We will all die just as we were all born and as hard as that is to accept it is one of the few truths about life. I believe we are spiritual beings having a human experience so in a way my mom did not die she just transitioned to her next experience. This means that for me despite missing her and feeling down at times that life goes on and that yes I laugh and have good times as I am still in my human experience. Someday we will be together again.

My dad was married to my mom for 56 years. He is lost without her but he is getting by, overwhelmed by all he now has to do that she use to do.I had never had a good relationship with him as he was a workaholic that did not take time to spend with me and my siblings so I prayed that he would not out live my mom but he did and now I see that maybe there was a reason for that. I think it happened this way so that we all would be forced to get to know him and see that he really is not a bad guy. He just made some poor choices which is something we all have done at one time or another. I feel so different about him now.

The best advive I can offer you and others that are new to this is listen to that inner voice and if you feel something is wrong do not let the doctors dismiss it. After her first line chemo my mom had no energy and was running a low grade fever. I mentioned this to her oncologist who wanted to write it off to the cancer but my inner voice was saying no she has either a pneumonia or UTI ( urinary tract infection). We had to battle him for tests and she actually had both! The pneumonia was so bad she had a total white out of her one lung.It was an obstructive pneumonia cased by the tumor and that was when she was started on Iressa ( next month changed to Tarceva which had just come on the market) and that changed her whole experience with lung cancer as it destroyed the lung tumor. Anyway had I let the doctor dismiss the fatigue and fever my mom probably would have quickly become septic and died and would have become one of those 6 month stastics instead she survived about 2 1/2years. Be your wife's advocate and stand up to the doctors and question them when you feel it is necessary as they are not going to watch out for your wife like you are. Spend lots of time with her and make sure she knows how much she is loved and appreciated. Leave no regrets. I am at work and had better get back to work. Know I will add you and your wife and many other newbies here to my prayers. JanMarie;)
My husband has been in the hospital for over two weeks with a low grade fever. I believe the cancer has spread to his liver, but his doctor will not do a liver biopsy! Could you please tell me your experience with the fevers

James,

I am so sorry to hear of your wife's diagnosis. I have lost way too many close family members directly related to cigarettes. My dad died at age 39 from Acute Coronary Artery Disease and my mom died at 58 from Esophageal cancer, both directly related to heavy cigarette smoking. I have not taken the time to add up all of the others (aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.) that have passed during and before my lifetime from tobacco related illnesses. I myself suffer from asthma and chronic bronchitis that I am sure is related to growing up in a home full of secondhand smoke. My question to those on this board is this, is there any course of action that can be taken against tobacco companies for health damage caused to family members or to ourselves by tobacco smoke? This is something that has crossed my mind many times before but has come up again following James' post.

Yes, I am mad as hell at the tobacco companies and have been for many, many years. My dad died when I was 18 months old and my mom when I was 21 years old, all because of a stupid addiction that they could not control...

God bless you and your wife James.

Sincerely,

James Coggin

James,
I am so sorry for what you are going through..I am understanding all too well myself. My husband was just diagnosed last month and has been in poor health for the past 4! He is still here yet I try to imagine and prepare for the time when he wont be here and it is difficult. He is young, 47. I am 43. I think if I live another 30-40 years..this 10 years with him will just be a "moment in time"...my life will be totally different. Everything I have now will be gone. It is very sad!

I know what you mean about the cigarette co. I just noticed that the warning on the cigarette packs now read that "Cigarette smoking causes lung cancer".. I couldnt believe it! For so long it said "may cause" and now they are fully admitting it..right on the pack...yet can continue to push those awful things!

There have been individual court cases that went through...I dont know why there isnt one class action suit...

why arent there more incentives to make people stop? There is still advertising for cigarettes... amazing!

Bless you James during this very difficult time.

My question to those on this board is this, is there any course of action that can be taken against tobacco companies for health damage caused to family members or to ourselves by tobacco smoke? This is something that has crossed my mind many times before but has come up again following James' post.

Hi James and welcome to the board.

First let me say that I am sorry to hear about your mom and dad. I have three young children and a wife who has terminal lung cancer, but did not smoke. But smoking or non-smoking, it is tragic thing when children lose thier parents at such early ages.

Before I share my opinion concerning your question, let me say that lung cancer research has been underfunded for years because it was dubbed as a "smoker's disease". The reasoning was that people with lung cancer brought the disease on themselves and when people changed their habits, lung cancer would be less frequent. While there is truth to that, it lacks compassion and is logically inconsistant because other cancers would also be less frequent if people were concerned about thier health (diet and exercise).

Getting back to your question, I don't believe it is such a good idea to "outlaw" tobacco. Alcohol related deaths far exceed those that may be caused by smoking and just imagine how difficult it would be to outlaw alcohol. I think we as a society need to embrace personal accountability, rather than relying on government to make good choices for us. Our Declaration of Independence begins with the words "We the people..." Our society today has become foolishly reliant on an oversized goverment and its many programs.

Personally, I can't stand smoking. I try to avoid restaurants/place where it is permitted. I am glad it is banned from public places so that those who chose not to smoke, don't have to. But I have no problem with an informed adult having the freedom to chose wether to take that risk or not, as long as those fredoms don't infringe on the rights of others. I think the people should expect thier government to set such boundries so that those who smoke are of age and understand the risk they are taking. However, I think it is highly irresponisible to expose others (family/children) to second hand smoke.

I live in Charleston, SC, the home of the law firm (Motley Rice) who successfully sued Phillip Morris. So what has change? Well, some lawyers have made an insane amount of money of an American company operating within its legal and constitutional rights (a sure sign of corruption). Personally, I would not knowing profit of a product which is damaging to individuals and/or society. But many industries do, including the alcohol and porn industry. Someone mentioned andvertising ...perhaps the next Jack Daniels advertisement should show an alcohol addicted man in a rage while his wife and children cower in a corner. At least Philip Morris has been made to produce commercials that inform people about the risk of smoking. That is probably the only good and just thing that came from the law suit. But unfortunately, powerful people have to get filthy rich for something like that to happen.

Or..... "we the people" can share our stories, talk and plead with people to make better, healthier decisisons for themselves and the ones they love. Don't be angry, get out and change the world. I talk to my co-workers about smoking all the time. I tell them how difficult my wife's (who never smoked) cancer and treatments are. They listen. And perhaps if I persist I can make a differnce. That I beleive is the answer. We as a society must change the world we live in by becoming accountable for ourselves and having a positive influence in the lives of people.

I wish you all the best in thought and prayer,

conan

Conan...
I totally understand what you are saying...I really do...
I grew up in a time when smoking and non smoking areas were offered on an airplane... We chose non smoking and were right behind a smoker! How foolish were they back then?
there is definitely a correlation b/t enforcing smoking laws and decrease in lung cancer... if you look at ACS stats..they show California having a decline in rate of lung cancer the US average has not changed....California has some of the most strict laws out there!

I also understand/agree about being informed...unfortunately for baby boomers and before..it wasnt until recently the govt and cig co even acknowledged there was a link...now they do... too late for older generations who are already addicted... they arent getting any help to stop!

I have never smoked nor do I want to...I hear it is almost the worst addiction and the hardest to kick! up there with heroin! My husband's father died of emphysema...he has always said you would think seeing him die would be enough to quit...but it is too hard... here he is dyiing of lung cancer and is still smoking!! It is that addictive! Just seeing the commercial of that lady smoking through a stoma is enough to make people realize how addictive it is...

I understand about being informed NOW... I dont think any current generation has as much right to gripe... they have been told/warned...they were told the truth!

the older ones grew up with smoking being glamorous...the Marlboro MAn (we know what happened to him!)...

the law suits have to do with the fact that these companies KNEW that this was cancer causing long before they admitted to it... there were studies that could have "informed" people long ago....but they didnt...they are hooked and many of them like my husband are being told to suffer b/c it is THEIR fault they are in this situation....they were not given a chance to make an informed decision! now it is too late

it is just too sad!

Feet of Clay,In answer to "My husband has been in the hospital for over two weeks with a low grade fever. I believe the cancer has spread to his liver, but his doctor will not do a liver biopsy! Could you please tell me your experience with the fevers"

My mom had finished her first line of chemo and was on a 2 month " chemo break" The oncologist said" Go out Travel, have fun, enjoy life" My mom said " How I have no energy?" His reply was" in a few weeks you will feel better" thinking it was chemo fatigue. Well over the coarse of the next 2 months she did not fell better,she felt worse and what little energy she did have vanished and we needed a wheelchair to take her places as even walking from her living room to bathroom was impossible for her as she was so weak and fatigued also feeling short of breath. She was running a low grade fever, it never got over 100 so at first I was not too concerned but when it persisted and she wasn't getting better. I figured she had an infection somewhere and Pneumonia or uninary tract infection were my two suspects, No she was not doing alot of coughing but I could hear some rales in the base of her right lung. I fought with the oncologist and he finally ordered a urine sample I think just to quiet me but said right to our faces " I am sure she doesn't have a urinary tarct infection" based on the fact she did not have the usual symptoms. He refused to order a chest Xray so we started calling the pulmonary doctor that she had seem back in the beginning and he finally agreed to order an Xray ( because he knew what I did for a living so knew I had alot of experience with pneumonias) and sure enough both tests came back positive. She had both the UTI and pneumonia which is not uncommon for elderly people or people on chemo. My mom did have liver mets but they did not cause a fever and she never had a biopsy as it would not have changed her treatment at all so it would have been unnecesary risk to do a biopsy. They would shrink with some chemo and at first did so with the Tarceva but eventually they started growing again . Doctors seem to over look low garde fevers when there are not other obvious symptoms but some people just do not develop the symptoms and become septic and go onto sepetic shock which is deadly and often hard to beat.

Conan, I agree with you that we need more personal accountability in this country. If Cigarettes were illegal that would not be the end of them as they would survive in the illegal trade as do many drugs. They are here to stay like it or not. I am against smoking in a huge way but I know making it illegal will not fix the problem.

I have seem the people with stoma's smoking in person and the people with bad emphysema or lung cancer still smoking and if you try to discuss it with them they get angry and don't want to hear it so I figure that is their choice and we are all entitled to make our own choice about smoking. I am just glad that we now at least here in California have so many rules about smoking in public as then I do not have to inhale all that second hand smoke..unless I choose too!

I do know that the older generation became addicted to smoking long before anyone said it was harmful and that for some trying to quit has been a loosing battle. Also that our own government got some of those people started by giving cigarettes to the military so they are in a seperate place in my mind verses the 20 or 30 year old that is smoking having grown up in a world that says smoking is harmful. I see alot of teen smoking again and that is not good. Then again as Conan pointed out look at all the illness caused by diet and lack of exercise, personal accountability is the only way out. JanMarie