Hi

It’s me again.

I was wondering if any of you suffered from persistent shaking. I shake and when I get nervous my whole body shakes and people notice, it annoys me when people say ‘your shaking’ as it just makes it ten times worse. My heart rate is always high, when in hospital a few weeks back, they took me down to theatre and hooked me up and my heart rate was 96, then it spiked at 148, then dropped down to 80.

I am so sick of this anxiety, I have been looking for a holiday tonight, but I ended up searching for answers to all of my health problems, like little red dots on my skin (spider Veins), that I have had for years on my shoulder but now I am noticing more of them on my chesta nd arms, or maybe they have always been there and I am just focusing on them more. Then I was looking at why my haemorrhoids won’t go, I have had them banded twice in 6 months, the last time 3 weeks ago (under a general, because I’m a wimp and boy I was sure they where going to mess up and give me too much and kill me) and they are back. I am sick of thinking I am dying of something all the time and it is making me really sad, but I feel like if I stop worrying something will then happen and I will miss it and it will be too late.

I had my driving test the other week, and failed, the examiner was saying you’re so nervous your shaking, claim down a bit, if only she knew what it took for me to get there in the first place. I am sure this is why she failed me; I am not always like that only when in that kind of pressure, being judged situation.

I wish I was brave enough to take medication for this, not that my doctors offer me any, I have to go in and say oh while I am here can I have a couple of diazepam, and I get a dozen 2mils that last me a month, although I need one most days. They gave me a councillor who was very good, she had me reading Louise Hay and Susan Jeffers and this stuff helped for a while, but I find it hard to keep up when I run my own business and have to do the accounts for two others.

I am not looking forward to going on holiday, my friend died on holiday a few months ago and I have this feeling of dread, but I will go. I am also scared of skin cancer, although I am very dark skinned and tan easily and use sun cream (although when I was in y 20's I didn't, but I never burnt) but a fella a few years older than me (he was only 34) dies a few weeks back of this, so that is where this come from. I was almost sick when I saw his picture in the local paper and a friend gossiping was like yeah he had cancer and this and that and I had a panic attack.

I was working out 6 times a week, but I am scared to do that at the moment in case I have a heart attack!!!! I am stuck in a viscous circle and wondered if anyone can suggest a safe medication, that doesn’t have too many side effects, when I get any tablets I read the leaflets and then start developing all the side effects listed!

I am such a wimp, I wish I could go to the doctors and say I feel all of this, but I can’t, I get so nervous around them and feel like they are judging me. Anyone got any suggestions????

Sorry to rant.

You sound sound troubled. When I had to tell my dr about my "feelings", fears, thoughts, etc. I to was scared or embarrassed. So what I did was wrote a short note that I was embarrassed and afraid I wouldn't remember everything, then listed all of my concerns, questions, and issues. My dr understood completely and said it was a very good way to address the situation for him and me. Sometimes it is easier to write things down then to speak. Try it.....couldn't hurt. Good Luck

Could you afford to go to therapy for a while to try to figure out where all of your anxiety and fears come from. I am sure you would uncover a few things. There are therapists who work on a sliding scale so it doesn't have to be expensive. There are also self help groups where you can find support from other people. I feel a lot of empathy for you because I can relate to some of your fears and anxiety. Most of it is not based in reality, but in our past although the anxiety and fear is real. I wish I could help you . Good luck!

Hi

Thanks for your replies.

Firstly I have had lots of counselling, my problems stem back to when I was 6 years old and my uncle had a car crash and his 4 friends died and he was the only survivor and was in a coma for two years. When I was 7 my parents took me to see him (as I was always baking him cakes, we are and have always been close), I can remember walking into the room and seeing him in plaster from head to toe and all bloated, with all the wires, a hole in his neck and not moving. I screamed and ran out of the room and out of the hospital.

I have always been shy, I am of mixed nationality, I am dark skinned and look eastern European, so growing up in a small English town in the 70's and 80's was hard as I was the only one that looked different. This led to loads of racial abuse and when I was about 19 a gang of girls beat me up and put me in hospital, because a boy one of them fancied asked me out.

This has left me with very little confidence and wary of people, at around 22 one of my dogs died and this is when the panic attacks started and then a year later my other dog died he was 23 and he had been with me for 19 years. After he passed I couldn’t even go in the local supermarket, I have stopped all that now and have no problem socially and shop in major cities at least 3 times a month. I used to have panic attacks if sitting in a pub, but have always hid them and people are shocked when they found out I suffer from this as they say I come across as a confident happy person.

I now know that all this abusive was from narrow minded people that didn’t like themselves and because I am good looking (apparently) they targeted me. I have forgiven them and am trying to move on from this abuse and I am getting there.

Now my anxiety seems to have changed to myself and my health, at first after my gran died of bowl cancer it was my parents and brothers, I was always worrying they would die or get ill; now it has changed to me. I feel guilty that if I died my parents and loved ones would be devastated and I wouldn’t be able to look after my parents when they become old.

I have too say it changed to me last year when I had a chest infection and went to my GP and she told me she suspected AIDS, I had to have a test and all that. It took me 3 weeks of crippling anxiety to have the test and then a week waiting for the results and since then I have not been right.

I have a handle on this most of the time and the last month has been mega stressful with the operation and test and I think I have fallen a little of course. I can’t workout because of my health problem, because it seems to aggravate the bleed of the stubborn haemorrhoids and although I know what causes the bleeding it is scary with bowel cancer in my family. However I am a master at yoga and will start that again today. I find that because it takes so much concentration to move through the poses and master the breathing it stops me thinking about anything else. So I will do that today and start working out again tomorrow and if my roids start to bleed I will go back to the doctors and have them re refer me to the hospital and I will have the main operation that will take me 3 months to recover from.

I think my main problem is that I am a very intelligent and creative person and I think too much, also when I moved to Greece to study for my Masters degree I had no problems what so ever and now I am stuck back in this small town and it’s not very stimulating. Hopefully I will pass my driving test on the second attempt and I can escape this place a bit more and walk my dog and go climbing. I have just got back from my first lesson since I failed (I was having a massive panic attack during that test) and I think that was playing on my mind, that I couldn’t drive anymore because of my anxiety when I wrote my post last night. However my lesson was great and I can still drive so I am feeling more positive today, although completely exhausted from the anxiety I have suffered for the last few days.

Sorry for the long post, I’m sure none of you want to hear all that but it has helped me to put my feelings down.

Thanks xx

I am sorry to hear of alll your worries. It is good to express your fears, it helps. I have a lot of problems similar to yours. I was bullied a lot, am wary of people, very shy, no self confidence, terrible anxiety which makes me unable to leave my home on my own, constant tiredness. I was also devastated when my pet died as pets are such good companions. I really sympathise with what you are going through. You are not alone in your fears. I think you are doing really well though and making positive plans like the driving and the yoga. You will get there. Take care