Ok, I have good news and bad news. About two weeks ago, I came on here to post that I was 5 days clean. Well, later that night, I "fell off the wagon". That lasted two days. So, the good news is that now, I'm on day 10 clean and a lot of the physical w/d is gone. Now, the mental is kicking in big time! I can't take it. I'm going to be honest. I want an opiate BADD. I feel like such a failure, and a junkie. I hate wanting to get high. I absolutely hate it. This actually isnt the first time I've quit cold turkey. I managed to quit for 10 months. I was on it for 5 months, now I've quit again. I feel so powerless to it. I know that I'm going to have to deal with this addiction for the rest of my life. I feel helpless, and not strong enough to do it. I wish I never tried pills. I, unlike others on here, never had a chronic pain problem or anything of that nature to cause me to get addicted. I was a dumb teenager, 17 years old, experimenting with drugs, and got addicted. Now, I'm 20. But, I have goals in life. I am actually ambitious and want to be successful. But, this drug scares me to death. I don't know how I will ever be done with it forever. The thought of never using again, just doesn't sit well with me. Does anyone know how I feel? But, I know for the time being, I don't want to use because I don't want to go through the withdrawal process again. But, I keep thinking unhealthy thoughts. Like, "well you can start back up in a few months", or "you'll really get high when you use again since you've quit" How pathetic, you know? Does anyone else have this train of thought? Or is it just me? I hope I'm not the only one. And, how can I get through this obstacle in my life and be successful, and productive, instead of a drug user?

Have you considered a rehab? inpatient or outpatient. it will be very hard to do this by yourself. do you have any family support?

No sweetie, you are not alone. Not even close to it. I wish there was some magic pill we could take to totally take away any urge to use, but so far, there's not one. I don't know the answer, although I wish I did. What I do know is that it isn't easy, and for me it never will be. You just have to find something else to focus on. That's the only thing I've found that helps. Hang in there and stay strong.

I'm medically indigent, so I can't afford any rehab. I've thought about N/A meetings. I don't have family support for the simple fact that I hide it from them. I also have a boyfriend who uses the same as me. We are "partners in crime" so if anyone knows what its like to have a partner using also, its like a lost cause. We bring each other down. Know what I mean? The sad fact is, the real reason we quit is because there's no money left. We buy drugs off the street for TOP DOLLAR, so they are very expensive. Our habit was so out of control, that I did some things I'm VERY ashamed of. I should be locked away. Seriously. I'm truly not a bad person, but, the addiction turns me into someone else. Then, when i get clean, and reflect, I feel the guilt of it. I know damn well that quitting because you dont have the money, is not going to keep you clean. Like my boyfriend said the other day, "once i get a hold of one hundred dollars to spend, I'm screwed" We've been clean the same about of days. We use together, everyday. Except for the past 2 weeks. I just feel powerless. I don't know, I have a lot on my mind. This mental addiction is kicking my ***.

I hear what you are saying. i feel for you, my son is your age. can you confide in your parents? if you go to them and tell them about your problem but most importantly that you want to end it. i am sure they would help anyway posssible. but they wont help if they dont know about it..Do a search on N.A. meetings in your area, you will find plenty. go and ask for help, you will be surprised how much help there is out there if you look for it..Do it as soon as possible.