Hi Dakota,
Hope your day is going well, you're probably at work right now snowed under all that paperwork. I am there too, but am finishing off my lunch break here so I thought I would check in.
I'm so glad to hear your first visit with this new therapist went well. I hope and pray this is a good sign and things continue to progress well with her. You know I once went to a counselling session (that time I had the tea thrown at me) and I can tell you I was friggin' "exhausted" when I came out of that office. It was funny, she really didnt tell me anything I didnt know..but just talking about things and trying to make someone understand what was going through my head, I felt like I had run a marathon. But also felt good to hear someone tell me that I am not responsible for everything wrong in my life, someone who is objective and not one of my friends who of course would take me side. Anyways, my point is, I applaud you for sticking with this...it's a big effort and hopefully one that will be worthwhile for you.
Thanks Dakota so much for your advice on "leaving mom be"....this really means alot to me. If anyone else said that, it probably would go in one ear and out the other, but coming from you, it's in the vault!!! I truly value your opinion on this and I know you tell me like it is, because you know how I am!! So my friend, I am trying these days!!!
I even told my mom the other night after that conversation she had with my uncle, that as much as she gets so upset after those calls with him, that she in turn does the same thing to me. She didnt get annoyed with me, so that was good. Anyways, we "might" all be going away together for a week, I hope and pray that's a good thing, I dont know. But I will still do my trip just the three of us as we really need it.
Today, I am feeling really down, but not really about the same usual stuff. I'm almost afraid to say incase it sounds petty but you know I was watching some homemovies last night from recently and my god, I just hate so very much how I look in them. It has put me in such a lousy and selfhating frame of mind today. I just feel like I've aged 10 years in the last 2, you know what I mean? I'm 37 and feel like I'm 67. Cant shake it today, just really bummed about it. I spend so much time taking care of everyone else, I've completely neglected myself, both mentally and physically. Wish I could give myself a much needed kick in the ***! I dont know....just having a selfpity day today I guess.
Anyways, hopefully you are not working this weekend? And maybe taking some time for yourself? How's that vacation coming along??? I think you said you had to wait to get a certain amount of time....I want to hear a destination someday soon!!!!!
Talk soon!!
Carsam

hi caroline,

i thought i'd start a new thread, since that was getting pretty long...i didn't even see it anymore after a while...

well, i have nothing really major to "report"... it's the same ol' thing. had a long week. slept a lot yesterday, as it was raining pretty hard here all day. today was drizzling, and it will remain the same for the next two-three days... :( however, i did do a bit of shopping (for clothes) today; i haven't been shopping in a long time. it was one of my two good friends' birthday, and i hung out with her for a bit, shopping, that is...and the time just flew by--pretty unbelievable, since when i'm at work, sometimes a minute seems like an HOUR!!!

today my father was supposed to get discharged from the hospital, but my mother called this morning and told me that his pulse started going haywire again and his blood pressure was pretty low. i don't know what else to say or do-about this problem- but to sigh! he's been on antibiotics ever since he got there, and it's been more than 7 days now. i also think these freakin' antibiotics are making him very weak, because he's only getting that formula (his food) through his j-tube (you know, that tube that bypasses his stomach and goes directly into the lower intestine, that gets absorbed directly into the tissues and bloodstream, and God-knows what else). that's pretty much what keeps him alive, for crying out loud. you know, when things seem somewhat ok, it's as if something must intervene, and put an obstacle somewhere so that there is no more smooth sailing...not that it ever really is smooth, actually...

i feel tired today. despite the fact that i was off. tomorrow i'll have to stay at late at work, so that on wed. i can leave earlier for that stupid therapy appt. it's not stupid, but the way i feel now...i'm starting to feel angry...angry that nothing ever freakin' changes around here. angry that my father is still suffering; that my mother is still keeping him in that freakin' hospital, hanging to life by a damned plastic tube--although i know in her heart, she thinks she is doing her best. and i shouldn't judge anyone, actually. i don't know what i'll be doing if it were me--that is, if i had to make those sort of decisions. i wouldn't want any guilt on my conscience, you know!?!

my shoulders are actually hurting from tension (i think it's tension)... i have to go and eat something and watch some mind numbing comedy or something on tv. my beau has a committee to go to this evening for some students who will be introduced in some honorary society....i don't know....

how is your mom doing caroline? how are you doing?? i hope you can write when you have some time.

anyway, i'm hoping you're at least a bit better than i am today....
God's blessing to you and yours!! :angel:


there's too much damn "circumstantial" crap around here....maybe i wouldn't feel this bad if some of these things didn't exist....

sorry about that...i shouldn't be saying that.

Hey Dakota!
I was about to start a new thread tonight as well!
Well I'm really glad first of all that you had a day off work!!!! (but I think you work weekends right?). And secondly, to see you spent some time shopping with a friend - sounds like a wonderfully "normal" day....
Buf of course, what can I say about your dad? God bless him, god bless you all, there's never a break in this! I wonder how much longer he can go on in those hospitals!
The tough thing is that even if your mom could bring your dad home my friend, she'd end up just like my uncle. Sure my grandmother could go in a nursing home, or mental hospital..but she's not. The price of that is high. And it comes at the expense of my uncle's life! He barely has time to shower these days, he's lost all his friends, even his self esteem. It's been so long since he talked to anyone "outside our family" that he doesnt feel he can hold a conversation about anything unless its about my grandmother. So the thing is here, that then your mom would end up in as much despair as your dad. I know it's so very difficult but in my "humble" opinion....it's good that your mom has kept her job and her "life" as much as she can. Because one day sadly when your dad is no longer here, then she can still have something to fall back on. Do you know what I mean? I hope I havent upset you dear friend by saying this.
I wish there was something that could be done to at least make your dad more comfortable. Is he able to go outside on the grounds at all even with his IV? Get some fresh air? Or is he completely confined to his bed? God help him if he is, that is so awful for him. Why do people have to go through this stuff? It's a really lousy way to live!
My mom has her tests tomorrow - an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. I'm hoping that everything goes okay. She has also a pelvic ultrasound on Thursday. It never ends. I just hope they can figure out what's going on with her. IF they cant, then they will tell her it's all "stress". Unfortunately that wont do anything for all the "pain" she has. She's still sore from her surgery as well so I'lll be glad when it's all overwith.
Doctors are saying that my grandmother is "in Gods hands" now....and that her white cells in her brain are dying off, because of her dementia. This is what's causing all her hallucinations and daytime sleeping. I just know that one of these days the phone will ring and it's going to be awful!!! Cannot bring myself to imagine how my mom will react, like she's not gone through enough! You know my grandmother had 10 children, I've lost count how many grandchildren and greatgrandchildren. But one thing I know is that I have always been her favorite. We've always had a very special relationship. But you know with her illness, it's been so very long since I've had a real conversation with her, that I'm almost "used" to not being able to talk to her anymore. That is so sad to me because the grandmother I loved for so long is not the poor fragile woman that exists now. Once in a while I get a glimpse of her, because that's how horrible dementia is, it teases you once in a while and you can actually talk to the person you once knew. Breaks your heart.
Well, Dakota, there goes another crazy day....who knows what tomorrow will bring?
Hope your dad is feeling better and you of course as well!! Sorry for all this stuff with your dad, I know you're trying so hard to pick up your spirits and it's like you're being "pulled back" again by all these things going on. You're so right about these "circumstantial" events. Dakota, I believe very strongly that all these "negative" things around you are really contributing to your depression! I see your posts, and although I've only known you for less than 2 months, I've already seen you go "up and down" several times. And call me on it by all means, but every time you go "down" it seems its when something has happened with your parents, your mom has upset you, or your dad has gotten worse. I really believe my friend that you could beat this illness, if the world around "you" was more positive. I dont mean the "rest of the world" - I mean "your" world. Your parents, your bf, your job......If your parents were both healthy and respectful of you, you could deal with the job! And then you could focus on your relationship. Add everything up all together and you get "overload". Anyone would be frustrated, so go easy on yourself babe!!! I know personally for me, if my mom was in better health, and had other people around to occupy her time, this would help me immensely. I know alot of my "low" days are caused by things out of my control, if they could just 'back off" I could be happy, because I sure as hell want to be!!! And so you do my friend, because I can read that in every one of your posts!!!!!
Hope you have a better day tomorrow!!!
Carsam :wave:

hi there my friend,

thanks for the kind words!! i mean it!!!

yes, i'm off on sun. and mon.

i know that how things are right now, at this moment, in regards to my dad, are probably the best, bec. if he were at home, he wouldn't be able to get all the care he needs, and anyway, my mother would prob. have to call the ambulance every week to take him to hospital....and i also know that keeping her job is a great idea, but it's been 7 years this way. and it's also taken a toll on her. she is so tired sometimes, she says she's "crawling home," some nights....and to keep hearing that he never seems to get better anymore it's just so ...i don't know..so despairing. like your uncle, my mother has no friends anymore (except for one, whom she only speaks on the phone with); most of the time, when we all do talk, is about this, that is, my poor father. i don't even know what to say anymore. i don't even expect anything different anymore. but, i just can't stand all the pain and prodding and poking he keeps going through when in the hospital....he's basically skin and bones, and my mother told me last night in a brief phone conv. that he asked her again yesterday "why don't you take me home?" in a lamenting voice. she also said that she felt tired and told him so, because she had no one to talk to, and he said that she must keep strong, bec. she needs to, i guess for us, for me and my sister.. that just made me so damn sad, caroline, you have no idea.

i'm thinking maybe this is God's way of making pple repay for things they've done wrong in their lives? i don't know...it must mean something, right?

the other day at work, we were told that our exec. director (whom i had a fight with once) and who was pretty nasty to quite a lot of people at the agency where i work, passed away due to a long battle with cancer. that came as a shock to me. she wasn't at work for a long time (and in fact, they hired a new exec. dir. relatively recently), and even if i disliked the woman, since we didn't get along very well, and she was very domineering, i felt sooooooo bad, caroline, so sad for her. i wasn't "good" for two days afterwards. im so tired of hearing bad news all the time. and my dad's situation is always in the back of my head, whatever else may be going on that might make me smile for a while, you know??

i know how you may feel right now about your grandma, esp. if you were her favorite. and i also know something about not being able to talk to her...my grandma had a severe stroke about 15 years ago, but before she passed, i had the chance to spend a little time with her. she had moments of lucidity, where she realized who i was, but i couldn't hold a conv. with her...it just killed me, you know? after she passed, i was devastated, bec. she was the one to have raised me until i was about 10...

anyway, i do give credit to your uncle, as i do to my mother. the more this goes on, the more i understand and admire her strength. i seriously don't know how she does it, everyday, day after day after day...

i'm hoping your mom's tests will go well!!! at least something should go well for crying out loud, right?!!!

well, gotta go shower now...crap...i'm going to be late again...but whatever...i don't even care anymore....

wishing you a good day, dear friend.:angel:

no, my father can't really sit too long in a chair (those wheelchairs even) b/c his bones hurt him; although sometimes, last year, we used to take him out on the grounds, and even on the street (it's a nice, quiet st.) when the weather was nice, for maybe 20 min-30....but he could not stand it much....he's pretty much bed-ridden caroline...

my mother told me last night in a brief phone conv. that he asked her again yesterday "why don't you take me home?" in a lamenting voice.
i'm thinking maybe this is God's way of making pple repay for things they've done wrong in their lives? i don't know...it must mean something, right?



...i'm starting to feel angry...angry that nothing ever freakin' changes around here. there's too much damn "circumstantial" crap around here....maybe i wouldn't feel this bad if some of these things didn't exist....



Dakota, the situation is happening with your dad now because these are the decisions that your mom is making now and this is in her hands.

As for your second comment, I see your life as before you always just reacted to your environment. Because of the way that you were raised or your personality or whatever, you felt that you had no say or control over your life and you just reacted to it with no power in your own hands. I see you changing now but you haven't changed enough to take your life into your own hands and make the changes that you need to be happy and then to simply accept the things that you cannot change. There are a lot of things that you can change.

Hey Dakota,
More and more I see that your parents situation is playing a huge role in your everyday life and feelings. It seems to me that all these "incidents" with your dad are really triggering your "bad" days.
I can truly understand this my friend! Just got off the phone with my mom - she is waiting to go for all her tests. Doctor also just came from my grandmother and says she does "not look good". Meanwhile, the other sisters are still fighting among themselves for who "has" to go visit her today. Between worry for my mom, my grandmother, anger at my relatives, I dont know what end is up right now. And to add to that, I have a huge spreadsheet to work on right now. It takes every piece of energy I have to concentrate on work, so I dont screw things up and get a pink slip.
I agree with Sannah also in what she said that you are "changing"...(Hi Sannah, hope you are well, have missed talking to you!) Anyways, I think you are realizing what it is that upsets you and sends you to those low days....and yes, maybe you havent accepted what you cannot change. But you know, I dont disagree with that, but on a personal level, I dont think I could ever "accept" certain things in my life. Yes, I could accept things like people are going to leave me one day because that is life and it happens to everyone. But not as easy to accept what's going on with your dad...or what's happened to my family and all the illness the last few years. I know there is nothing I can do to change any of it, but I still cant accept that this is what life is all about, sickness and illness. I dont want to, I want to think that there will be some times when I can be happy and free of this. I have come to terms with all this negativity around me, but I will never come to the point where I can hang up that phone and just move on with my day. This is something inside me I can not change, and although I complain about it, I dont know that I want to completely. I dont know if any of this makes any sense. I dont think we will ever be free of all this "stuff"....maybe we just need to try and surround ourselves with as much "Positive" things to try and equal out the "negative". Good friends, good thoughts, exercise, family, relationships, a dog, anything that makes you feel good so that if you draw up a good and bad list of your life, you have plenty to put on the good side of it!!! We all know the bad side can never be empty!!
Your poor dad, I can understand his wanting to go home...god bless him. And I'm sure no matter what your mom must want to let him come home. But she knows in her heart that it wont be permanent and that would make it harder for him to go back after spending that precious time at home. It sounds to me like they are both dealing with this situation in their own way. There's nothing I can say to make that better, because my friend it just sucks! I can not tell you the more I learn of your life how I admire the fact that you are on here every day offering support to everyone else!! You have strength you dont even realize!!! And listen, you cannot control what is happening to your dad's health, and I know if you could, you would. Maybe this is part of the reason why you are so good about offering support to the posters here, because your dad's health situation makes you feel helpless, so you need to redirect that compassion and help!! That is the sign of a pure and loving heart!!!
I think sadly suffering is a way of bringing people together.....they say that God does not give you anything you cant handle. That is a big mystery to me. I wish I could understand it.
Anyways, hope your day is going a little better today!
Carsam:angel:

Hi Carsam, accepting what you cannot change is real big to me. I do it because it preserves my sanity. I'll work like heck to change anything first, though. How can I get all upset about something that is totally out of my hands and is part of life and the way things are? Maybe people are able to get to this point once they have found that they have control over many things and they have taken control and made a nice life?

Just wanted to clarify exactly what should be accepted in life. I don't think that people should accept abusive or unhealthy situations because they "think" that they cannot change them. I am talking about accepting things that really cannot be changed. No one should accept bad situations that really can be changed. If your gut is telling you that you are being mistreated or that a situation isn't healthy, this should never be accepted.

Dearest Sannah,
I hear what you are saying.........I only meant that I didnt want to "accept" that life is so unfair, that's all. The rest of it, I agree with you completely.
I think I can "accept" the things I cannot change...it's just dealing with it on an everyday basis I have a hard time with.
How are things with you? I know you just went on vacation? Hope you had a fabulous time!!
Glad to see you back, you were dearly missed!!!!
Carsam :)

Carsam, now you didn't feel like you had to agree with me did you? You do not have to agree with me. I have been told that I have a strong personality and when I feel strongly about something it can seem a bit much but please do not feel that you have to agree with me. I just wanted to add something again about what accepting means. I said I won't get upset about things that I cannot change but this doesn't mean that I won't be sad about them. To me, being upset is a call to action, being stimulated. Being sad is a quiet acceptance. But this is an interesting discussion. You say you do not want to accept that life is unfair. What is unfair about it? If you are empowered you MAKE your life fair. Whatever is in nature that we cannot control, what is unfair about that? If you are having a hard time dealing with something on an everyday basis, to me there is something that can and should be changed even if the change is only in your mind - how you think about it.

Thanks for asking about my vacation. It was wonderful! Ten days of quality family time! I was just skimming the posts while I was there. I usually put myself into the position of the person writing and really try to understand where they are coming from. I didn't do this on vacation but now I am back to it!

hey Sannah,
No, I didnt feel I "had" to agree with you.....I know you have a strong personality, -that's what makes you a very good support system on here. But rest assured I would never just "agree" with anyone, if we do that, then what's the point right? We're all here to share our opinions and hopefully help each other through things.
Maybe I didnt explain it right....as I was at work and didnt have alot of time. I hear where you're coming from but I dont know if it would work for me Sannah. I'm sure it's possible, but I cant see myself dealing with all my "stuff" for lack of a better description, just by accepting that this is the "way it is".....it doesnt just make me sad, it makes me angry. And I dont know how to control that. All this sickness and family bitterness absolutely is nothing I can change, I know that. But I'm not able to accept it and just be "sad". It's part of my life every day. Do you know what I mean? I dont think I'm explaining it right my friend! I read one of your posts to I think it was Trixibel and part of what you said was that "you know your boundaries, even here, if someone has a bad day, it doesnt mean you will have a bad day". Of course that makes sense to me. But this theory when it comes to my family is my problem. When I get off the phone, and hear all of this, it justs puts me on a huge downer.....and I can not shake it, by trying to change the way I think about it. I've tried so hard so say, well, I'm doing what I can, that's the best I can do, and concentrate on other things. But what's in your head, is not always what's in your heart.....
Oh boy I'm rambling here......but you're right - this is an interesting discussion!!!
I'm so happy to hear you enjoyed your vacation - I am so jealous. Sannah, I am planning a trip for just me, my son and my husband at the end of next month. Are you proud of me? I'm trying to set these "boundaries" you're talking about!!! (arent I crazy sometimes?)
Well, that's it for now.....thanks for the chat today!!! Look forward to your response!!
Carsam xo

Hey Dakota,
More and more I see that your parents situation is playing a huge role in your everyday life and feelings. It seems to me that all these "incidents" with your dad are really triggering your "bad" days.

I agree with Sannah also in what she said that you are "changing"...(Hi Sannah, hope you are well, have missed talking to you!) Anyways, I think you are realizing what it is that upsets you and sends you to those low days....and yes, maybe you havent accepted what you cannot change. But you know, I dont disagree with that, but on a personal level, I dont think I could ever "accept" certain things in my life. Yes, I could accept things like people are going to leave me one day because that is life and it happens to everyone. But not as easy to accept what's going on with your dad...[U]or what's happened to my family and all the illness the last few years. I know there is nothing I can do to change any of it, but I still cant accept that this is what life is all about, sickness and illness.

I dont think we will ever be free of all this "stuff"....maybe we just need to try and surround ourselves with as much "Positive" things to try and equal out the "negative". Good friends, good thoughts, exercise, family, relationships, a dog, anything that makes you feel good so that if you draw up a good and bad list of your life, you have plenty to put on the good side of it!!! We all know the bad side can never be empty!!

hi friend,
yes, you're right; when i was younger, different things "triggered" my depression; nowadays, it's still some of those things, but quite a lot of it seems to come from just seeing my father suffer and struggle so. a lot of the time i'm able to say "ok, this is how things are, there's nothing i can do about it," and it actually makes me feel better that my mother is still here to take care of that aspect. but, there are some days when i just feel overwhelmed by it all, and i'm sure you know what i'm saying....yes, the helplessness that i feel when i see that i, or anybody else for that matter, can't do anything to improve my father's condition anymore, really saddens me. it makes me cry, it's so bad--because i just feel very sorry for him. maybe i wouldn't have felt this way if this illness didn't last so long. like you said about your problems with sickness and illnesses in your family.

yes, most of the time nowadays, i can pinpoint where my "lows" come from, you're right about that. i don't know about "free" from THIS stuff; but i think it's possible. otherwise, i don't know if i'd even be here right about now, caroline. i do believe better things are possible, i believe good is possible. now, i'm not sure i can completely attain it (since the depression is still around), but i think it's possible. i'm saying this because i've had darker days--so dark you wouldn't believe, yet i'm still here. there was always hope somewhere inside, no matter how tiny...always a little glimmer; sometimes i'm sure it was even subconscious, but it was there. i mean i've spent time praying to God on my knees in the dark, while crying my head off; crying and praying even without words, just feeling, b/c the words didn't come, and rocking myself back and forth, like an autistic child (God bless them), feeling as if i had this huge, heavy boulder or rock inside my chest that kept dragging me down into a hole, and i had nobody around me, nobody but God.... but you know what? i believe i've overcome quite a lot, because i see the difference in myself...but i also realize i still have much more to learn and to overcome. and learning can sometimes take a lifetime...

about acceptance--i've had to accept many things over the years. and to adapt as well. it was especially hard to accept losing my grandmother, and then my grandfather, who raised me. even before she died, i've thought about the day it would happen and i thought that i wouldn't be able to make it in the world without her. but i did. i'm still here. i remember, she even used to tell me that "these are the ways of the world, my dear"--or something like that....we used to talk about many things when i visited during school breaks and such....and those conversations we had, and some of the words that she said are still in my head, and they've helped me very much when she passed; sometimes they even help me now. God bless her, she was always very understanding of me. i accept the fact that this illness that i have is an illness, like you said once, and it is NOT part of my identity. i wanted to thank you for that. you know, i think i told you, despite how many years of therapy (and meds) now??? --nobody told me that before?!!!!!! or maybe they didn't put it in those exact words before, i don't now...but it means so much! i've accepted that i couldn't make the person i really loved, love me back, so we've moved on since then; i accept that "life is like a box of chocolates --you never know what you're gonna get"; i accept that i'm still single at this age, and not at all where i thought i'd be by now, although i'm trying to work to make things go in that direction;....i think that i've come to grips with many things around me. but i cannot accept to see someone, a person or an animal suffer what seems to be an endless battle...; can't accept injustice; sometimes i can't accept chronic pain (these migraines of mine, despite the stupid meds i take for them--they were so frequent in the winter, it was pointless to even take the medicine, but i did anyway, b/c i was afraid it would be worse if i didn't); can't accept all the crap that's going on around the world--even though i know i can't do anything about it myself....i cannot accept being this way for the rest of my life (i want to improve and i want to be content!!!!); i can't accept cruelty and abuse of any kind, and in any way, shape, or form, whether it be done to a person or an animal--to me, this is the most horrendous thing that could ever happen!!!!!! oh lord, there truly are many "negative" things in the world, aren't there? i better stop thinking about that, at least for now...it's too late in the evening anyway....and i think i've just rambled on and on, and feel like i really haven't even said much....

take your life into your own hands and make the changes that you need to be happy and then to simply accept the things that you cannot change. There are a lot of things that you can change.

howdy sannah,

what do you mean by "a lot" of things that i can change?

and with re to reacting to our environment....aren't we all reacting all the time, though? it's all reaction-based, insn't it? it's just behavior. there's a stimulus and there's a reaction, or a lack of reaction, a consequence in any event....

this theory when it comes to my family is my problem. When I get off the phone, and hear all of this, it justs puts me on a huge downer.....and I can not shake it, by trying to change the way I think about it. I've tried so hard so say, well, I'm doing what I can, that's the best I can do, and concentrate on other things. But what's in your head, is not always what's in your heart.....

i actually understand you, caroline! it's very easy to say, but very hard to do, when you're actually living it day in and day out, and it's been so for years and years. i know how it feels!

Carsam, maybe it is just the differences in our personalities. When people start to post a bunch of drama that goes on between them and their families I can't even read it. I guess I do this in my own life. If my family started a bunch of drama (birth family) I would just tune it out. I have always been good at focusing on the real issue. I can pull it out of a big pile. But if drama is just a bunch of noisy drama I wouldn't even allow it to pass into my brain especially if it has nothing to do with me. I know that you love your family and you want to help them but this drama should be left to them. They can't fix it, you can't fix it. They just need to stop and you could decide to quit listening to it and live your own life.

Dakota, I see a difference in reacting to life and living your life. If I feel that I have no control, I will be doing a lot of reacting to my environment. If I feel that I have control over my life and something comes along that I am going to react to big time because it is drama or unhealthy or whatever, I will not allow it to touch me. I will remove myself and not allow it to penetrate my being. I decide what my environment is and I control it. This way I am rarely reacting to my environment and I am using reacting in the negative sense only here. So I guess there is a stimulus and then a reaction, well I control the stimulus in my life.

What can you change in your life? Well, you are in a lot of environments that you react to negatively - your job, where you live, your family. All of this can be changed. You posted a bit before about how miserable you are with your family concerning Easter dinner. You have learned that you have no control when it comes to your family. This could be different. I know that you have tried different tactics with your mother and they were not all that successful but you just haven't learned the right one yet. A therapist could help with this. Before you were seeing a psychiatrist for therapy? I don't really have any experience to be basing this belief on but I would think that medical doctors would not be good at empowering their patients. This is really what good therapy is in my eyes - empowering the patient. It seems that psychiatry originated in NY city and that they are still in the old school of years of and years of academic psychoanalysis that doesn't teach the patient anything but does more for the doctor's own "science".

Hi ladies...just read your posts this morning...
SANNAH - I guess perhaps we will have to "agree to disagree" a little on this my friend! I do hear what you're saying and this theory of "tuning out the noisy drama" obviously works for you but I dont see it as black and white like that. My family "drama" is one of illness and sickness....I cannot just shut it out because I cant control it. We've had so much loss and illness in our family - the close family we once were has been destroyed. My cousin and I have said things so hurtful to each other, I dont think what he said to me will ever leave my mind or my heart. These relationships have been destroyed by the very thing we're talking about here. Now please know I am completely speaking of my own experience here and my own family, nothing to do obviously with yours or your take on things. But when all this started and my grandma started getting really ill, alot of the family turned away because they did not want to deal with it. I'm not saying they "tuned" it out....but I guess maybe I am. They have taken this attitude that they will deal with things as much as they can and that's it. That's great and I can see how they are doing "okay" because of their approach. But that leaves the rest of us dealing with the illness while everyone moves on with their lives. My grandmother had 10 children, not two. To me it's a matter of compassion, that they can allow one person to deal with this 24/7 - this is what's led to misery, bitterness and resentment. I think to draw from what you're saying - your theory would work in my family only if "everyone" in total adopted it. If everyone could accept that we're all getting older and ill, and everyone shared the burden and allowed each other to still "have some joy in life". All this has wreaked havoc with my mom's depression and in turn has affected me greatly as you know. Sure, I can make certain changes, by all means, like "surface" changes, ie planning time away just myself, my husband, and my son", or maybe not spending time with her each and every single day.... But changing your heart is not as easy...it's hard and when you love someone, I cannot see how if you see them in pain that is not of their own making, how you can not help but be saddened by that. Rambling on here...but hope I'm making sense........
thanks Sannah for your message - you always get me really thinking!!!!!


DAKOTA - do me a favour and reread the post you wrote to me and tell me again why you think you havent said much??? I think this post in particular screams volumes at how far you've come!!!!! When you talk about "rocking back and forth" - I've seen my mom do that!!! And it is scary as hell!! Her doctor had told her that was a very bad sign that she is about to go "over the edge" and she should get help immediately. So girl, you've pushed your limits, you can never go back now to this!! And I dont believe you will! You have learned so very much about yourself, what makes you tick, what makes you sad, what makes you happy. You know your "triggers" and you know that you have "low periods" and even during those "low periods" you know that they will pass. Dakota, objectively I would say that you are managing this illness now pretty damn good!!!! Despite all the negative stuff around you, you still manage to have a very focused mind and can always explain how are you feeling. I think you have made so much progress and I'm so proud of you!!! You know a couple of months ago Dakota, before I came to this board I was having my usual "issues" and one day I just got so tired of that "weak" feeling, not being able to change things. (maybe who knows wanting that control that Sannah is talking about). But I went for a drive at lunch and all of a sudden, I started crying uncontrollably and wailing in my car - it frightened the hell out of me because I recognized that sound and it was like hearing my mom!!!) It really shook me and so I pulled over and kept saying to myself over and over....no matter what happens, I can never get like this again!!!) And I havent...I've been really low but not like that!!! So I think I know a tiny bit of that feeling you had - and I say if you've lived with that - looking at where you are today, girl, give yourself a much needed pat on the back and see how far you've come. The rest of this "negative" stuff we can work through hopefully through time but you have already turned a big corner!!!! You may never be totally rid of your depression but I believe in my heart you are strong enough to as I said before "give it it's rightful place in your life"!!!!

Love and best wishes to you both today - I just love talking with you guys!!!!
Carsam :wave:

Carsam, yeah, I don't label illness as drama but there can be drama with the way that people deal with it. I wouldn't tune out the illness, I would help, but I would focus only on that and tune out any other drama that people would conjure up. I think that people do drama because they do not know how to deal with the real issues so they do this big noisy dance around the issue and get everyone upset. If there is an issue to deal with I will see it and focus on it and tune out the drama. I love this discussion, it takes quite a few posts to narrow down exactly what we are talking about and of course it is just fine to not agree in the end. The discussion is the best part, not the outcome.

Just wanted to add a bit to this thread. All of this might sound a bit detached but really if you can get to this point you have the ability to get even closer to those that you care about. Ignoring drama helps you to focus on the issues and deal with those. Dealing with the issues brings you closer. When I say that if you have a bad day, I am not going to have a bad day. I guess I have gotten to this point by realizing that I have gotten to where I am in my life by the choices that I have made to get better and I have made a really nice life for myself. When someone else is stumbling and trying to make it, I have faith that they can either make it or not make it but the choice is theirs. If they listen and work they will make it and all will be well. If they don't choose this route this is their choice and their life. I guess it is boundaries to the max. I guess I don't look at suffering as this terrible pit either because I learned so much from it. If you can get some space between yourself and others you can give them the freedom to breathe and grow and some freedom for yourself too to breathe and grow. If you get back from someone a bit in distance you can see them better than if you are smashed up close to them. If you can see them better and they see you better you really can get closer.

hey guys,

well, my dad went back to the hospital/ER this evening...pulse very high again....the home was afraid to keep him there overnight saying they "don't have the neccessary equippment"....and his primary told them to send him. they asked us what we wanted (i went to pick up my mom), and even i said yes. he was just discharged from hospital yesterday!! i'm sorry for both my parents now. i see each of their weaknesses more and more--esp. my mom's. i knew of my dad's for a long time now, but her....she is not at all strong, and i'm afraid of something happening to her now, bec. she's pushing herself way beyond human limits.

thank you, caroline for your wonderful and inspiring words. you truly have the biggest heart i've ever "heard" from. you are VERY encouraging, compassionate, and loyal to those who mean something to you! i've "known" you only for about two months or so, but no one but my sister has ever said such things to me!!! that i've come such a long way, that i'm strong, and that i should give myself more credit than i do. so, thank you, thank you, and thank you!!!

thanks sannah for giving me your perspective/opinion on things. i do understand and appreciate it. however, things change constantly. and even my feelings towards my job, where i live, and my family change, at times. they are not always negative or bad. i'm actually starting to feel sorry for my mother; she is ill, as well, and takes about a handful of pills everyday, but keeps going to work and sees about my father. i see how tired she really is. she's so small nowadays, she actually weighs less than me!!! i don't want something to happen to her, because it's really only me and my sister around here.....i mean, in all!! we don't have a large family, as i've told you before. i definitely need a break from all of this... i don't want to think about it anymore.

Dakota,
How's everything today? Dad? Mom? You?
Wow, tell me I'm way off base....but I feel a "break in the ice" coming here for you girl!!! Listening to you talking about your mom....girl there is nothing stronger than the power of love!!! I know you have alot of "mom" issues and not that you can ever go back and change them, you can only go forward. I sense you are understanding your mom a bit more now and so maybe some of that "hurt" feelings you have can begin to heal a little. You know Dakota, believe me, I know your mom is tired, but if she has built a life and family with your dad, and been through the pain and hardship of caring for him for 7 years, let me tell you, she is in it till the end. She will always be there for him. And you know the help that you sadly can not give to him, you can give to her instead. Just let her know you are there to "talk" if she needs you. And maybe if ever the situation allows maybe you could take her away for a few days - she sounds like she could really use a break. (you already know that you yourself need one!) And I think it would do your relationship alot of good. Here I see a situation where it is said that "suffering" brings people together. Kind of a tough thing to get past, but it's kinda true sometimes. If you look at her from this perspective, you will rid yourself of the frustration you feel for her and how she deals with your dad. Let's knock off these "negatives" one at a time. You're doing it, hon!!!!
God bless you and your family for how you're dealing with this - I wish my family could handle things as well!!!!
Let me know how you're doing today and how your parents are!!! Here when you need me.......
Caroline:angel:

Dakota, I actually see a change in perspective here also. You are seeing your mother differently. This is change and I think it could be that you are seeing that you are not a pawn in your environment. You stopped and looked around and when you feel bigger (like you can be in control of things) your mom came down to her size in your perspective.

And maybe if ever the situation allows maybe you could take her away for a few days - she sounds like she could really use a break.

the situation won't allow for it, dear caroline. the situation is very precarious right now. besides, she wouldn't budge before, let alone now. but thanks for thinking about us!!!

i went to bed around 3am this morning, with a slight headache. i thought it would go away with sleep. it didnt'. i couldn't sleep well at all last night, the first time in a very long time...i usually have no problems sleeping. it was pretty bad. i woke up this morning around 6:40 to go to the bathroom, and took the time to call in to work--took a day off today. i went back to bed, trying to sleep some more, because my body felt sooooo heavy and tired. but, i couldn't really. i kept tossing and turning, and around 9 something, i just got up, becase laying down was worse than being in a stading position....anyway, even now my head is pounding. i wanted to take the day anyway, to spend some time with my father. after i saw how he looked last night, i said to myself, work is always going to be there, and they can go and f.... themselves!! nobody cares for him, nobody cares for what happens to him, except for his family, so i'm going to take the day off and be with him a little, since i don't usually go to the nursing home very often, b/c it depresses me even more. he's in the ETAP unit now, i think it stands for early treatment admission..something or other...but it's a step up from ER... probably won't be given a room until this afternoon.

you know caroline, you're right about suffering bringing pple together. my dad and i never had a very loving, huggy-huggy relationship. i couldn't even say "i love you" to him or give him a hug when he was well. it was only after he got the stroke and became paralyzed on one side, and when i saw how weak he was, and how NOBODY should have to suffer that way, not even a animal, that my feelings changed and i became totally different. i began seeing him for who he really was. just a man. just a person who wasn't as tough as i always thought him to be. the toughness was just a barrier he alwasy put up; i'm sure he had issues of his own, many of them, and he definitely did not have an easy life. i started to hug him, kiss his cheek and tell him i love him, all the time. and i made my peace with him, like i said before. i went to him one day, a few years after all this happened, and he was alone there, and i cried and i told him about the past, and asked him to forgive me, my actions and what i may have done, or not done, to have upset him in any way, and that despite everything, i loved him, no matter what. and he understood and said he knew that all along..it was powerfully emotional, and i felt good about it ever since--like something's been lifted off my chest. i didn't want to regret anything. i'm very open with him right now.

even last night, between waiting for the ambulance and the nurses talking to my mother about his pulse (they all know her there), i got some alone time with him, and i told him that if he feels like he has to struggle a lot, or if he feels like there's too much pain (although he said he doesn't feel any pain), or if he feels like he has to go on for me, my sister, or my mom, --i told him, he doesn't have to. i repeated this twice, and i asked him if he understood me. he looked me straight in the eyes the whole time, and he nodded and whispered, "yes." i know the stress from last night brought on my migraine today. see, now i feel like crying--a lot, but i can't. i cried a bit last night, coming back (my signif. other--SO-- was driving, b/c i just couldn't anymore), but i feel like i need to REALLY let out some toxins through tears...i just need a trigger to start the flow. God help me!!! and help us all! i'm also about a week or so before my period is due, and my hormones are all over the place. at this time of the month, the sadness usually worsens, and everything seems darker; my body is heavy and i drag it around most of the time. i'm so tired today.
thanks for listening, friend. an thanks for being there!!!! :angel:

Dakota, I actually see a change in perspective here also. You are seeing your mother differently. This is change and I think it could be that you are seeing that you are not a pawn in your environment. You stopped and looked around and when you feel bigger (like you can be in control of things) your mom came down to her size in your perspective.

maybe you're right, sannah, i don't know. i just think that forgiveness is the most important thing to do at this point in our lives. i mean, it has gone on for quite a long time, and for me to always ramble on and on, like a little kid about this and that, without really paying attention to their problmes, it seems pretty unfair and rather counterproductive. like caroline said, right now, it's pretty much about love and forgiveness, that's all i know, and that's what i feel in my heart. i swear. you know i've always been honest with you, and on this board, and i've let out some of my innermost feelings on here....i'm writing as i'm feeling, otherwise, there'd be no point to this board, you know?

i used to be angry at my mom for not taking the time to spend with us, with me and my sis, and for us not having "normal" get togethers for holidays, birthdays, and so forth...but you know...that doesn't really matter at this point anymore... we're in the throes of dealing with a life, perhaps witnessing the end of a life of a person we love, and that is what matters the most right now. and yes, sannah, i do see her, my mother, that is, more and more how she really is, and not what i've made her up to be in my mind. and i must say, i do love her, and i even told her so, yesterday and today when we talked on the phone this morning. she left the hospital at around 3am this morning, and also took the day off, to be with my dad. she said she's going to me a big deal there this time, if they don't give him all the care he needs, and answer all her questions about everything. i completely agree with her now.

thanks for listening and for writing back, sannah.:angel:

Dearest Dakota, I see you all pulling together now and focusing on what is important. I am so glad that you are going to see your dad today. Being together and focusing on what is really important is so priceless. Keep us posted on what is going on and how you are feeling.

dear sannah,
thank you very much for your kind words! they mean a lot to me!!!!

Dakota...
It is so heartwarming to hear you talking like this about your parents. You are melting away some of those frustrations and in turn this will really help you emotionally. I can not imagine the conversation you had with your dad about "not having to go on for the rest of you"....it makes me want to cry just thinking about it. I dont even know what to write about it, because like I said, I just cant imagine. The only thing I can say is that god bless him, he must know that he is so very loved by his family. That's something we all want out of life and something that this illness has not taken away from him. It may have taken 7 years of his life...but not his family. Dakota, many families would run a mile from this situation and would tire of visiting hospitals and nursing homes. But you all have stuck with him and he knows that. It takes a special kind of love for families to pull together in crisis and not all of them have it. I wish mine did, but they dont.
Just keep doing what you're doing, take care of each other....and be gentle to each other because this hard time will get even harder someday and you will really need to lean on each other.
I wish there was something more I could do to help you right now.....
When you can, please let us know how you guys are doing. I will say a prayer for you all tonight.

Hugs hugs hugs my friend!!!!
Caroline :angel:

hi caroline,

It takes a special kind of love for families to pull together in crisis and not all of them have it. I wish mine did, but they dont.

you know something my friend, sometimes i don't think that at all; i just think that there are so few of us in this family: mother, and two daughters, and our father is the ill one. it makes it very different when there are many pple in a family, because they each incite each other about "this and that," and talk and talk, and perhaps say, "i'm not going to be the only one to get in there and care for her, and then the others are going to do anything,".... if each one thinks along these lines, then sure, they each let "the other" deal with things. well, "the other" thinks just like the first one, and so forth, i don't know...just an idea. and like you said, it doesn't help when the primary caretaker thinks s/he knows the only way a sick person should be cared for. my mom was/is the same. but it all comes down to actually seeing the ill person, especially when they are really sick, and then forgetting about silly ill-wills and petty stuff, and feeling the emotions (if the ill one means anything to you) for him/her.

but, thank you for your words; i always look forward to hearing from you, no matter what. i'm sorry that i was so cought up in my own world for the past few days, that i didn't even ask about your mom's tests!!! i know some results take a while to come back and some-the drs. can tell you immediately.

well, they stabilized my father's heart the first night he got to the hosp. they put him on digoxin and something else. they took him off of those two since, and put him on something else (including some freakin' antibiotics--again!!!). the first dr. who saw him was a very good one because she immediately ordered more tests for his thyroid and some directly for his heart. it appears he has some elevated hormone levels (T4 i think) when he left the hosp. last time, but some drs. said it wasn't that high, and he didn't need any intervention ...well, he obviously needs something now. he was on a heart medicine called amioderone, but that doesn't seem to work anymore, so they took him off of that too. well, as long as my mother is there (she and i talked a bit), and she said she won't leave until everything has been done the way we want it to be done; no more discharges "just like that.." we'll see. i told her to make sure he will see a specialist/cardiologist just bec. i was/am concerned that it's the heart itself that causes problems now.

anyway, i don't want to bore you anymore with this kind of talk. i'm sorry!!! today it'll be a nicer day here, with temps up in the high 60's, or so they say... i hope i'm not going to be too anxious at work, b/c of the workload piling up. i know that you, caroline, have been busy with your spreadsheets too, since you talked about having had to complete that project and deadlines and all....i hope you made it!!!

anyway, needed to see a pdoc right away b/c one of my meds that are being prescribed on a monthly basis was running out (had only two pills left). so yesterday, i called this dr. that i had an appt. with for the 25th of this month to see if he had any cancellations, so i can maybe go in before that, when the receptionist tells me that "the dr. isn't usually in on the 25th, when you have your appt." i said, "mam, i spoke to someone else there (she said there are 3 recept. there), and she told me april, 25th at 1:45 pm." again, she said the dr. isn't even there at that time. so i said i didn't understand this problem and could she do something about it. so she puts me on hold and comes back, and gives me an appt. with another dr. for may 11th... i made it, just to make sure i had something...but i could not believe that no dr. in that whole complex (apparently it's more than one there) had any openings, even if it were an "emergency" as i had described my position right now. all she said was, sorry... so then, trying to see if other drs. had some freakin openings sooner, i called about four more shrinks. and of course, nobody had openings; the one i called who shares the grounds with my pdoc who is ill (he's still sick, apparently), called me back and said she doesn't take my insurance, but was very nice and actually asked me what was i going to do.... i said i'll manage something... i was already thinking of calling my old pdoc, the one that i first saw--ever in my life-- and who lives rather close by, and whom i trusted, since i went to him for 7 years before i switched to the current one, who got ill. so i called him, left a message explaining the situation, and in about five minutes, he called me back, saying he had a client who cancelled for 4:30....i was like, thank you GOD!!!!! you couldn't believe the relief i felt!!! also i guess bec. i trust him very much. he was the first one to place my anxiety and panic attacks under control, and to lift my depression. of course, i'll always admire the man! anyway, enough of that now...must go shower, and go to work. should go earlier, so could get out earlier today.

thanks to you and sannah for everything!!!!! hugs to you both!!!

Hey friend,
Looks like a "brighter" day today - it's beautiful here today as well, sun is shining!! Makes you want to think happy thoughts!!
Glad to hear that your dad's heart is stable now - maybe like you say it's something to do with his heart and hopefully they can get the proper medication to make him more comfortable. Maybe you'll know something better when you get more test results.
That's great you were able to hook up with your original doctor. Did I miss something? You seem to be really impressed with him, how come you stopped seeing him? What alot of turmoil you have to go through to get some medication? Thank God, you got that appointment, running out of your meds would have made you anxious enough on top of all you've got going on.
On a good note, my mom had her endoscopy and colonoscopy (thanks for asking and remembering when you have so much on your plate). We got the results immediately and everything was fine. The thing is, I can tell she is in alot of pain. She gets these really bad chest pains, but her heart is okay. Everything is coming back okay. So Dakota, I think that her stress is causing all this pain. It has to come out somehow. She doesnt think so but what else could it be if all her tests are okay?
So, hopefully Dakota, you are having a good day today!!! Dont work too hard and I hope to hear from you later today. I'm feeling a little better these days, maybe it's the weather, who knows but I'll take it when I can get it, eh?
Bye for now girlfriend!!!
Caroline:wave:

hi caroline,
thanks for answering and i'm sorry i didn't respond sooner.

that's great you were able to hook up with your original doctor. Did I miss something? You seem to be really impressed with him, how come you stopped seeing him?

well, i would have loved to stick with him, but he didn't take my insurance, and just to see him the other day i had to give him $200 out of pocket for a 30-min session. but he was wonderful as always, and like i said i really, really trust the man.

What alot of turmoil you have to go through to get some medication?

tell me about it!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's almost impossible. if he hadn't had the cancellation , i don't know what the hell i would have done!!!!!

On a good note, my mom had her endoscopy and colonoscopy (thanks for asking and remembering when you have so much on your plate). We got the results immediately and everything was fine. The thing is, I can tell she is in alot of pain. She gets these really bad chest pains, but her heart is okay. Everything is coming back okay. So Dakota, I think that her stress is causing all this pain. It has to come out somehow. She doesnt think so but what else could it be if all her tests are okay?

i agree with you on this one, caroline. anxiety and stress can definitely take its toll, and they can manifest themself physically (for me it's through headaches and muscle tension in my shoulders; sometimes diarrhea--anxiety,that is); for others is different kinds of pains...so, yes, i agree completely. however, i would recommend that she would at least think of talking to a pro, or taking a little bit of an antianxiety medic. (it can be a very, very small dosage, like a quarter or .25 mg of clonazepam--what i'm on at this time. it's a miracle for anxiety and panic attacks!!!! if it weren't for that, i still dont' think i'd be able to walk out the door by now....

i'll write more about my other issues in the thread sannah started "dakota"...but will also write in here....

i hope you're ok, and that your husband and your son and yourself are able to take advantage of this beautiful weather (hope you're having the same sunny days in canada as we do here, where the temps were close to 80 degrees yesterday).

with friendship and many, many hugs,
dakota

hi carsam,

long time, no talk!

i hope you're ok!! i hope you're just busy with work, and nothing more "significant" if you know what i mean.

just wanted to say hi and see how you've been doing over the past two-three days.

God bless and wishing you a good day today!!! :angel:

Hey Dakota!!!
We are on the same page, I was just about to send you a "what's up" email as well!!!!
My son and I have both had the flu the last couple of days so just been feeling the usual yuckiness that comes with it. Other than that, things are much the same Dakota. My parents have decided not to go to Ireland and so I believe now they may want to "join us" on our trip next month. They're not really being pushy, we had arranged this last fall, and since my grandmother hasnt been well, they said they were going to go to Ireland instead and for us to just go by ourselves. But unfortunately the hotels are all booked or else ridiculously expensive. So it's awkward now, I was so very much looking forward to this time alone with my husband and son, but feel bad suggesting they dont come with us. Part of me wants us all to go, and to see them have some much needed fun, no matter what they have been through alot this year. And part of me wants a break, you know? The thing is that my mom calls my grandma 3 times a day, that will not stop on holidays, so every day we'll have to do this and if things arent good over there, it will be a lousy mood all day around when we've on vacation. My husband is already anticipating this and saying he doesnt want this so I'm completely stuck in the middle here. I know what I should do.....but since we originally planned to do this together I feel so bad pulling out now. Sigh........
How are things with you? How is your dad? Did you go to another therapy session? How was it? (Arent I nosey?)

Hope you're having a good day today!!!
Carsam :wave:

hey girlfriend,
so the flu got to you, eh? that sux big time, since you gotta let it go away by itself...and keep hydrated...pretty much all you can do! :( i'm sure in a few days you'll all feel better though!! :) it's this weather changing all the time, it's like it has bipolar or something....mother nature needs a pill!!! :)

but about your worries:

"Part of me wants us all to go, and to see them have some much needed fun, no matter what they have been through alot this year. And part of me wants a break, you know? The thing is that my mom calls my grandma 3 times a day, that will not stop on holidays, so every day we'll have to do this and if things arent good over there, it will be a lousy mood all day around when we've on vacation. My husband is already anticipating this and saying he doesnt want this so I'm completely stuck in the middle here."

listen, you've been through hell and back over the past year. YOU DESERVE A FREAKIN' BREAK, OK? :) :) i don't think your mom will "lose it" if you didn't answer some of her calls while you're on vacation. after all, she'll be surrounded by family, for crying out loud. although it may not the kind of family members she can vent and b---h to the way she does to you, because they're not going to take it like YOU DO--but, she'll manage. believe you me!!! your mother is a lot tougher than you give her credit for. and i only know the lady from what you've written about her on here!!! i really believe and think (you don't have to take my advice at all--it's just my opinion, that you should go with your son and your husband on this vacation that you planned!!!) PLUS, you said, "They're not really being pushy" about this...so why ponder and ponder and worry and worry so much, dear caroline?!!!!

and, this is important--you want to maintain a bit of a relationship with your husband--you said he's already "anticipating" that your mom will call you at least three times a day even while on vacation!!! now, dear caroline, what do you think about this? i mean seriously! if my husband were involved in such as situation, and he was plagued with phone calls from his mother EVERYDAY while we were on vacation somewhere for one-two weeks, I would feel pretty freakin' bad. one phone call a day would be fine, but three???? i would probably even get mad at him, and truth be told, i'd even yell at him to give it a freakin' rest. you know i'm always very, very honest with you. i think this is my downfall...being too damned honest in my life, but i found that if i'm not, i'm not my real self, and then i walk around feeling like crap, and feeling like i had no power.

for ex. craig (my bf), is very close to his mom. she lives in pittsburg, PA, and he moved here for his career. he talks to her twice a week, but the woman is nice, even though she lives alone. i mean he only goes there to put in her AC's for summer, and to wash her windows, help her clean up for Easter, etc., since she can't do these things by herself. he does the same in the fall, to set her up for winter. but, she also comes here for thanksgiving and sometimes for his b-day in oct., and we visited there this past christmas, as i think i've mentioned once. but see, she has absolutely nobody living with her. she's the one who had a heart attack and open-heart surgery, and had some stints implanted earlier this year, and she's been having depression for a long time. craig told me this when i first met him. but he doesn't call her everyday, and she's not so dramatic, as my mom and your mom are.....

i hope you won't get mad at me for what i've written in here. it's only what i think. but you've been through a lot, and you've come to a breaking point too, remember?? i really believe (like you told me once) you need a little bit of distance...and one-two weeks aren't going to make that HUGE of a difference; and don't think of it at sacrifice; it's actually a bonus for YOUR mental health my dear friend!!!!

man, i wish i could talk to you in person!!!
millions of hugs, and get better soon!!! :angel: :angel: :angel:

Hey Dakota!!!
You make me laugh!!! And of course I would never be mad at you!!!
So here's the thing girlfriend!!! We'd all planned this trip "together" since last year (before all the other crap happened). So when the time came, my parents thought they should go to Ireland instead to see my grandmother and so we thought we were going "alone". So now that they cant get anywhere to stay in Ireland it's back to the original plan. You know Dakota, I am not happy about this, but I dont know how to get out of it. My choices....a) please my husband, be true to myself and just go without them, knowing that if they stay home and not have a good trip, that I will feel guilt each day even though I know I shouldnt, this will upset my holidays I know it. or b) everyone go together, this is what I meant. I actually didnt mean that I would call "her" 3 times a day, I meant that if we all go together, that my mom would call my grandmother 3 times a day still and if the mood is not good, then it will not be good for all of us that day while we are supposedly on vacation. It's almost like I'm damned if I do, damned if I dont. If we dont all go, I know I will feel bad, because we planned it originally to go together, and in that case, it's no different than everyday life, I'll feel like crap and not enjoy myself and then I'll get mad because I'm not enjoying myself!! What am I talking about here? Can you make sense of it cause I sure as hell cant!! My goodness, I'm sure anyone other than you reading this must think I'm mental to be so worried about this. I'm sure they would say "get a life, and just go"
Yeah, why cant we talk in person????? I tell you, some day I'm gonna tell you I'll be wearing a big yellow suit and be jumping up and down on the Peace Bridge!! ha ha!!! :p
You know it's funny, I could pass you walking tomorrow on the street and not have a clue who you are, yet you know more about my life these days than friends I've had for years. God bless the Internet!!
Feeling a little better today, Nicholas still has a cold, cant shake it. So he's up last night just after midnight, and starts barfing....so I try to get him into the washroom, and then can you believe it? Our power went out, I'm like "oh my god, you're joking"....so I have now this barfing kid, all over the place in the pitch black, no idea where you're stepping. Of course, you're in your bare feet because you just woke up out of bed to retching noises. Wont describe to you the scene when the lights came back on, it was like something from the Exorcist!!! Yes, I can hear you laughing from all the way down there in New York. Ah....the joys of flu season!!!
So listen, enough about me.....what's going on with you? I hope things are a little better with your mom and dad? I read somewhere else you posted about your Therapy sessions...how's it going? I know you have a new therapist, so you must take a long time to get really down to your feelings with her since you're starting all over again. I'm exhausted thinking about it!!! I sincerely hope this one works out for you and can give you some stability when it comes to your therapy.
Oh and girlfriend, I have a bone to pick with you as they say!! I read somewhere else in the last day or two....when you posted to someone else (cant remember now who it was), and you said again something like you had "marriage issues" because who would put up with your stuff?" Yes, I read that, now do I need to give you a good talking to about this again girlfriend? Listen up, we gotta deal with this!!! You have just as much to bring to a relationship as anyone else....stop worrying about this depression so much in this respect!!! You're doing so good about realizing it is not who you are, it's something you live with. But if it stands between you and what you want, ie marriage and kids, you are giving it way too much power in your life!!! Girl, we are always talking about our "moms" and how much they affect us and how we lead our lives. We talk about how we should live our lives despite them, do what we can, but not let them bring us down so much. Why is your depression any different than your "mom"? It stresses you, upsets you....makes you feel lousy but at the end of the day, dont let it stand between you and what you know will make you happy!! Dakota I've said this to you lots of times girl and I'll keep saying it until you believe it, if you would give yourself a chance, you would be such a wonderful wife and mom!!! You have everything the job requires my friend and more!!!!! I dont want to be presumptious as I've only known you for two months, but I do know enough about you to know that your family would mean the world to you and you would treat it like gold!!! So if you want it, go for it!!! I know you have mentioned bf issues so I hope I'm not saying something here that is upsetting, I only just want so much for you to be happy!! You are a simple girl Dakota, family, friends, health and happiness are what you crave I think! And you can have it all, dont let anything stop you!!!! I'm not saying having a family is the cure to what ails you, it will not get rid of this horrible depression for you, but wouldnt you feel good to know that you werent robbed of it because of the depression? Oh, if we could just go have a coffee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now maybe it's you who's mad at me for saying these things? I hope not, you know I only want nothing but pure peace and happiness for you my friend!!!!
God bless, talk to you tomorrow!!!!

Caroline xo

hi friend,
i'm soooo tired tonight; got home after ten; it was my late day today, that all i wanna do now is go to bed. i will definitely respond to your post more at a later time. tomorrow i work, as you know. i hope it will be an ok day, at least.
thanks for your words, as alwasy,
dakota

hey D,
you write me back hon when you have time......I am your "easy" friend....no stress, no expectations.....I always will understand. Take some time for yourself this weekend please and get some rest, you sound really tired. Dont work too late, okay?
Hope your day goes well.
Caroline :wave:

hi caroline,
i posted on the other thread today--the dakota one...this one is getting long again...
i'm feeling tired today. i'm a bit sad. i'm going to bed now.
i hope you're better.
take good care of yourself and your family!!!!!
hugs