MummyJ
04-17-2007, 10:20 AM
:mad: Hi there,
WARNING! This is long, you may wish to grab a coffee before this post, this post contains almost 8 years of venting.
I think this is my 1st post although I'm a regular browser.
I'm not really sure where to start, but I don't know what to do or who to turn to.
My husband of 41 had a terrible childhood, with his Mum dying of an asthma attack at 9, being kidnapped by his real Dad when he was a baby, being sexually abused for 3 years starting at the age of 5 by his Mum's sick and violent Boyfriend, living with violence, alcoholism, orgies and neglect, watching his Mum being tied up as well as living with his violent and controlling Grandmother who was a possible schizophrenic. Anyway, as a result he's been diagnosed with Post traumatic stress and bipolar. And recently his therapist suspects BPD and OCD aswell.
He's on 300mg of Effexor and 1000mg of Epilim in the morning plus 150mg of Effexor and 600mg of Epilim at night.
We met 8 years ago and nearly been married for 6 years. We have 2 boys who are 5 years and 18 months.
I think his 1st real episode was when I was pregnant with our 2nd child. He has a phobia about being intimate when i'm pregnant, so a lot of the problems started from there when I caught him out by accident visiting porn sites and dating sites, he was joined up in about 10 of these sites and had his profile on each of them.
I got really upset about it, as he refused and chose not to touch me but was getting off online instead. I think I forgave him which is amazing for me as one of my worst fears is being cheated on and I'm a very jealous person.
A couple of months after our 2nd child was born I caught him out again as I saw the withdrawal signs repeating and got very angry and depressed as he didn't even act sorry or seem to realise that I was hurting. This was extremely hurtful as my weight had dropped of from birth and I was looking quite good and would never say no in the bedroom, but yet he was doing it again.
So I went to see his therapist alone, who advised me to go on anti-depressants as I was very teary and angry. The doctor prescribed Zoloft (50 mg, now been upped to 100mg daily) as he thought I most probably have OCD as I have alignment issues and repetitive thoughts also.
Then we saw his therapist together who helped me a lot. I agreed to watch the odd adult movie and view porno sites together (and only together) and stop snooping in exchange from him not going into those sites, so that was agreed. So for a while our sex life was great, especially for him as he's obsessed with spontaneity & different positions, as he gets bored with everything (including me) rather quickly and I thought he was keeping up his end of the bargain again.
After that things were looking up as my medication was working for me and I thought our sexual problems were sorted.
I can't remember when, but I think I caught him out again looking at porno sites on his own whilst me and the kids were in the next room. I forgave him again as he said he wouldn't do it again, and the pills were doing wonders for my negative thoughts and It didn't seem to bother me much any more as we were looking at these sites together regularly.
So the last couple of months I think our sex life has been great and he said it was too up until a couple of weeks ago where he had a bad day at work (now that's another issue) and wrote an abusive Email to the boss 'cause he didn't get a job position that he applied for. Since that he's spiralled into another manic episode (now taking valium as well) and was irritable and withdrawing again. And every time I would walk into the computer room he'd x- out the screen. Then my suspicions started again, so I found a sneaky key hole to look through that's directly facing the computer screen (I know, don't say it) and through the hole I saw him viewing the Horny Matches dating site. So I went in there and freaked out and he denied the whole thing, so I joined up myself and found his profile which had been updated to a Gold membership (meaning you can send and receive messages) which he had actually payed for. He didn't know what to say when I caught him , so he just sat there in a trance being his rather ignorant self, denying everything. I still had to force him to apologise for hurting me. He keeps using his abused past as the reason why he does it, which is probably correct, but he doesn't show any remorse.
That night we had a great talk and he opened up heaps about his past which he never has, which made me understand why he carries out these sexual impulsive fantasies, but it doesn't make me feel happy about it.
The next day he's doing it again, this time chatting with a woman (I know this from my key hole view). So I go in and approach him about it only for him to deny it again.
I told him it's hurting me, so he told me to go away and stop crowding him, then he made me feel bad for treating him like his Grandmother did for years. So I went and did some compulsive house work only to see him chatting yet again. So I asked him why he keeps doing it after I've said it upsets me, and he just deny's it yet again and ignores me.
It's like talking to a brick wall (possibly the great wall of China). Has he totally lost any feelings, how can he be so rude, selfish, aggravating and ignorant?
Anyway(Geez, I have finger cramp, lol) I ended up sleeping on the couch (well tried to) as I couldn't bear to touch him plus the vallium makes him snore really loud and I could hear it all the way from the lounge room.
Then at 1:30 in the morning his mobile rings only to be texed by some woman named Sue who claims to be a work mate of his, and was calling him babe. So I rang the number and it was some foreign lady in another country who could hardly speak English but understood when I said I was his wife, then she hung up.
That just infuriated me, now that's the last straw, I don't know if I have the energy for this any more. The constant caos, impulsive sexual urges, selfishness, ignorance(me and the kids), depression, irritability, being blamed for stupid things, his black and white thinking, his computer addiction, his laziness, his chopping and changing of where we should be living, his controlling ways, his obsessions, his weird thinking, his constant need to have his mind busy, his boredom, his put downs, and there's more, but I think I've written enough.
I approached him this morning only to get the usual ignorant response, pretending he doesn't even know a Sarah.
So I'm depressed again to the point of feeling like vomiting, and need advice. I rang his therapist today but he had a day off, so I have to try again tomorrow.
I just don't know what to do, now that I've written it all down and realised that there's heaps more issues I haven't even added it's becoming clear that I may have to leave him.
But there's the problem of the kids, I wouldn't be allowed to take the kids with him around, we'd have to sneak off when he's at work, and what do I tell the kids. Then the place we'd have to go is my parents house in another state, so we'd need to catch a plane, so what would I do about all the kids things etc, and the finances is another story, he controls them and threatened me tonight to not let me have any of his money as he calls it and I'm not to use the computer that he supposedely bought me. My parents would bay for the air fares but i'd still need money and he keeps changing the password for the banking site.
There'll be so much to organise and he won't be fair about any of it, he's likely to get nasty and possibly even sue me for taking the kids. This is way too full on for me to handle, any advice?????????
Sorry for the lengthy post, and that's only some of my issues.
If you've reached the end, then thanks for reading.
WARNING! This is long, you may wish to grab a coffee before this post, this post contains almost 8 years of venting.
I think this is my 1st post although I'm a regular browser.
I'm not really sure where to start, but I don't know what to do or who to turn to.
My husband of 41 had a terrible childhood, with his Mum dying of an asthma attack at 9, being kidnapped by his real Dad when he was a baby, being sexually abused for 3 years starting at the age of 5 by his Mum's sick and violent Boyfriend, living with violence, alcoholism, orgies and neglect, watching his Mum being tied up as well as living with his violent and controlling Grandmother who was a possible schizophrenic. Anyway, as a result he's been diagnosed with Post traumatic stress and bipolar. And recently his therapist suspects BPD and OCD aswell.
He's on 300mg of Effexor and 1000mg of Epilim in the morning plus 150mg of Effexor and 600mg of Epilim at night.
We met 8 years ago and nearly been married for 6 years. We have 2 boys who are 5 years and 18 months.
I think his 1st real episode was when I was pregnant with our 2nd child. He has a phobia about being intimate when i'm pregnant, so a lot of the problems started from there when I caught him out by accident visiting porn sites and dating sites, he was joined up in about 10 of these sites and had his profile on each of them.
I got really upset about it, as he refused and chose not to touch me but was getting off online instead. I think I forgave him which is amazing for me as one of my worst fears is being cheated on and I'm a very jealous person.
A couple of months after our 2nd child was born I caught him out again as I saw the withdrawal signs repeating and got very angry and depressed as he didn't even act sorry or seem to realise that I was hurting. This was extremely hurtful as my weight had dropped of from birth and I was looking quite good and would never say no in the bedroom, but yet he was doing it again.
So I went to see his therapist alone, who advised me to go on anti-depressants as I was very teary and angry. The doctor prescribed Zoloft (50 mg, now been upped to 100mg daily) as he thought I most probably have OCD as I have alignment issues and repetitive thoughts also.
Then we saw his therapist together who helped me a lot. I agreed to watch the odd adult movie and view porno sites together (and only together) and stop snooping in exchange from him not going into those sites, so that was agreed. So for a while our sex life was great, especially for him as he's obsessed with spontaneity & different positions, as he gets bored with everything (including me) rather quickly and I thought he was keeping up his end of the bargain again.
After that things were looking up as my medication was working for me and I thought our sexual problems were sorted.
I can't remember when, but I think I caught him out again looking at porno sites on his own whilst me and the kids were in the next room. I forgave him again as he said he wouldn't do it again, and the pills were doing wonders for my negative thoughts and It didn't seem to bother me much any more as we were looking at these sites together regularly.
So the last couple of months I think our sex life has been great and he said it was too up until a couple of weeks ago where he had a bad day at work (now that's another issue) and wrote an abusive Email to the boss 'cause he didn't get a job position that he applied for. Since that he's spiralled into another manic episode (now taking valium as well) and was irritable and withdrawing again. And every time I would walk into the computer room he'd x- out the screen. Then my suspicions started again, so I found a sneaky key hole to look through that's directly facing the computer screen (I know, don't say it) and through the hole I saw him viewing the Horny Matches dating site. So I went in there and freaked out and he denied the whole thing, so I joined up myself and found his profile which had been updated to a Gold membership (meaning you can send and receive messages) which he had actually payed for. He didn't know what to say when I caught him , so he just sat there in a trance being his rather ignorant self, denying everything. I still had to force him to apologise for hurting me. He keeps using his abused past as the reason why he does it, which is probably correct, but he doesn't show any remorse.
That night we had a great talk and he opened up heaps about his past which he never has, which made me understand why he carries out these sexual impulsive fantasies, but it doesn't make me feel happy about it.
The next day he's doing it again, this time chatting with a woman (I know this from my key hole view). So I go in and approach him about it only for him to deny it again.
I told him it's hurting me, so he told me to go away and stop crowding him, then he made me feel bad for treating him like his Grandmother did for years. So I went and did some compulsive house work only to see him chatting yet again. So I asked him why he keeps doing it after I've said it upsets me, and he just deny's it yet again and ignores me.
It's like talking to a brick wall (possibly the great wall of China). Has he totally lost any feelings, how can he be so rude, selfish, aggravating and ignorant?
Anyway(Geez, I have finger cramp, lol) I ended up sleeping on the couch (well tried to) as I couldn't bear to touch him plus the vallium makes him snore really loud and I could hear it all the way from the lounge room.
Then at 1:30 in the morning his mobile rings only to be texed by some woman named Sue who claims to be a work mate of his, and was calling him babe. So I rang the number and it was some foreign lady in another country who could hardly speak English but understood when I said I was his wife, then she hung up.
That just infuriated me, now that's the last straw, I don't know if I have the energy for this any more. The constant caos, impulsive sexual urges, selfishness, ignorance(me and the kids), depression, irritability, being blamed for stupid things, his black and white thinking, his computer addiction, his laziness, his chopping and changing of where we should be living, his controlling ways, his obsessions, his weird thinking, his constant need to have his mind busy, his boredom, his put downs, and there's more, but I think I've written enough.
I approached him this morning only to get the usual ignorant response, pretending he doesn't even know a Sarah.
So I'm depressed again to the point of feeling like vomiting, and need advice. I rang his therapist today but he had a day off, so I have to try again tomorrow.
I just don't know what to do, now that I've written it all down and realised that there's heaps more issues I haven't even added it's becoming clear that I may have to leave him.
But there's the problem of the kids, I wouldn't be allowed to take the kids with him around, we'd have to sneak off when he's at work, and what do I tell the kids. Then the place we'd have to go is my parents house in another state, so we'd need to catch a plane, so what would I do about all the kids things etc, and the finances is another story, he controls them and threatened me tonight to not let me have any of his money as he calls it and I'm not to use the computer that he supposedely bought me. My parents would bay for the air fares but i'd still need money and he keeps changing the password for the banking site.
There'll be so much to organise and he won't be fair about any of it, he's likely to get nasty and possibly even sue me for taking the kids. This is way too full on for me to handle, any advice?????????
Sorry for the lengthy post, and that's only some of my issues.
If you've reached the end, then thanks for reading.