it was an awkward session today, in the middle of it i did get a sudden attack of feeling extremly vunerable and angry, like she was talking and it became like a murmer in the background of my thoughts while i was thinking' get the hell out of my head', i had that mean voice in my head that beats me up anytime i try to help myself, saying its weak to breakdown the defence and that i shouldnt be letting these people in because when its time to leave it is going to hurt an awful lot :(

we learned different breathing exercises which i cant do because i refused to close my eyes. ive started to worry now, i think theres a major problem with my head. she is confused because a lot of what i say contradicts eachother, now usually contradiction is based on one truth and the other lying or just kidding yourself-but no, i actually feel both things that contradict eachother-thats why everything is more painful at times and i think why im not getting better or looking like im trying. im being pulled in different directions and when i try and do something it sets another feeling off in the opposite direction-its too hard to deal with two sets of feelings at once that just make eachothers problems worse :( god why do i have to be such a loser!

so i cracked again and was stupid and booked an app with my doc this week. i was falling apart and everything seemed empty. i was thinking of overdoses again. so i called up, the receptionist knew my name :(:rolleyes: , then after i called the angry voice came back(sounds a little like the exorcist), saying i was a stupid ****, i just kept saying **** over and over in my head, repeatedly insulting me-i really feel pathetic for going back :( i hate admiting dependence on someone , but i really cant seem to help this one. hopefully itll fade with the depression-whenever the hell that may be!:blob_fire my therapist kept asking how and why it helps to see her-i dont know how or why-it just does, i dont understand it, you know them people you just instantly warm to-she is one of those people. and im actually beginning to see it as a compulsion, i have the same feelings for confessiong to her as i do taking out plugs or lining things up. what it means is, she was the first person i told=automatic trust=bound then to tell her everything=must stick with her and listen to every word she says cos she is ALWAYS right. i cant explain how much it just feels like she is God, it reminds me of the feeling i get when ive lined something up and its symetrical-its so right and it feels it, thats what its like when she tells me something, and it releives anxiety and stuff. is that weird-how can you be compulsive with a person??

im worried shell be really angry. and whats worse is im trying not to harm, but it aint looking to likley that i can show up unburnt, i just need to. for some reason ive been anxious and depressed lately. im pyshically going down hill. i feel tired and weak a lot, i feel almost like ill pass out sometimes. i feel nauseous a lot too. but im eating ok still-whats with that??? i eat crap food thinking its going to fix the shaky weak feeling i have-like im hungry but im not. anyone experience this with depression?? should i bring it up??

please help, xox

it was an awkward session today, in the middle of it i did get a sudden attack of feeling extremly vunerable and angry, like she was talking and it became like a murmer in the background of my thoughts while i was thinking' get the hell out of my head', i had that mean voice in my head that beats me up anytime i try to help myself, saying its weak to breakdown the defence and that i shouldnt be letting these people in because when its time to leave it is going to hurt an awful lot :(

we learned different breathing exercises which i cant do because i refused to close my eyes.

she is confused because a lot of what i say contradicts eachother,


Pucca, this sounded like a very productive session! You focused on the distress that you were feeling in the situation and you recocnized it and described it. Now move on to analysis. To me it sounds like you are vulnerable to let down your boundary and let her in. Remember, this is how you have protected yourself for years - a solid concrete boundary which no one could cross. Now you need to learn who you can trust enough to let past your boundary a bit. Remember, boundaries can go right back up once you have let them down for a trial run. Just because you have let someone cross doesn't mean that you can't kick them out immediately. Boundaries are flexible and YOU decide. I guess you must also feel afraid to be abandoned if you let her close. Pucca, you are a young adult now and you will be learning how to take care of yourself. If you can trust her, let her in to help you. If she can come in to help you then you will grow and then you cannot be abandoned because you cannot abandon yourself. You couldn't close your eyes because you couldn't trust her?

Of course what you can say and feel can contradict each other. You want intimacy but at the same time you are afraid of intimacy. You sincerely feel both of these contradictory feelings and many more. You are not lying. With therapy you can work towards one feeling or the other and make your life a lot simpler.