i was stupid, i went back to the pro harm sites. i feel really confused now, a little rejected, and a little hurt-and its so stupid. i said the proffessionals told me not to be there-which is an obvious point, why the hell would my doctor give m a ****ing broadcast!?

then this person seemd angry, she was saying like sarcastically but nasty that since im so damn impure, dirty and disgustingly unhealthy i should jump in a bath of bleach(it burns as self harm btw), hold my head under and drown to get rid of it all inside and out. which of course-i wouldnt do it if someone told me to do it, i wouldnt give anyone that satisfaction-but i feel a bit shook by it. ive been getting the vivid gory images in my head a lot lately, and this one was horrible :(

sorry to moan, i felt like confiding in responsible adults to see if im being silly. im angry now, i need the info off the site sometimes, but then theres people like that ::blob_fire

i feel low tonight, but not enough to harm thankfully. hows everyone else??

xox

hey Pucca,
I read your other thread as well, but will respond here!! Pucca, what do you mean by "proharm" sites? Who on earth would say such things to you? I want to go "dig their head in" as us Irish would say!!! Pucca, you really need to never go there again!!!! Please hon, dont go anywhere that will encourage your "stresses"....find your friends and what's good in your life.
First of all, we have to deal with this feeling you have of not wanting to be "dependent"....my friend, there is a big difference between asking for help, and being dependent. Being dependent is like my grandmother, who is 93 and cannot go to the washroom by herself or barely walk around the room. This is not you girl!!! Asking for help is the most clear sign of strength a person can have. And you have that!!! I think you dont even realize it, but you know what you want!! You want independence, but you want to be loved. You want to be loved, but you're scared to be loved!!! You've been so hurt in the past that you're afraid to let your family in, because maybe they will hurt you more?
There's lots dear friend that troubles you, but know that you are of course not a loser! (as you said in your other post). You are strong, you are compassionate and you want so much to be happy! I can really see that!! Pucca, I know you crave to be "hugged" and "loved"...but you know, the first person it needs to come from is not your parents, your doctor or your friends....it's YOU!!! You need to love the person you are!!! You need to stand up and pat yourself on the back for surviving what's happened in your past and also to take control of your future and not let your "past" take away any more of your life than it already has!!! You deserve peace and happiness dear Pucca, so please please try to be gentle to yourself and know that when you ask for help, that you are being good to yourself!!! Please post any and every time you feel this way, and we will try and get you through this "harming". I know you are used to it, but I still worry and want you to come out of this on the other side and be more at peace with yourself....because you so very much deserve it. You are such a unique person Pucca, I think you have wonderful qualities, and I hope that you can also see that you are a great girl with lots to offer!!!!
I wish you many blessings tonight and hope I can help you feel a little better at least, I am in your corner!!!!!!!

Carsam :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel:

lol! yes, or on the other hand 'ill do theyre knees in!'. im annoyed at this site, well at this person. i feel stupid now. the people told me to stay off,i know it can be dangerous for me, but sometimes its there when no one else is :( i feel though whoever nasty person that was has maybe helped me budge a little. i can really see how warped it is. they are 'for' harm, well they will not go and tell you you have to do it and will try to disaude you or be careful, ans sympathetic. but they will answer questions on the nest methods and stuff. theres pics too-veryu graphic.this girl who lwft me the message is a big user, always on.its kind of like a big gang and shes obbsessed with it being full of people who just give give give to the community website. i feel like its a big cult or something. shes done bad things-theres pics of when she gave herself 3rd degree burns through caustic soda.

about the dependence, although im not psyichally dependent i feel my doc thinks im dependent. im confused now, i was gonna go till next week, not harm and then be able to tell her this-then explode when i got home. but now i cant, but i havent harnmed yet but i can feel it drawing in :( i feel weak for not being able to hold out longer for seeing her, i feel like theres no way out though but to go see her-its all that helps righjt now :(

my parents hug sometimes, i mostly hug them and thery stand there, but thats ok.i cnt begin to like myself. i have a really deep-seated dislike, the counsellor and my doc once asked me to tell them how i felt about myself-i lied. i couildnt say i hated myself or theyd have thought i was being dramatic or something. so i just said sometimes imnot happy with me. my worst fear is to be asked about my appearance-not a big fan of it! thats part of why i dont mind scarring from harm-im not bothered.

thanks carsam! xox

Hi Pucca, yeah, you have to be careful who you expose yourself to. There are plenty of very evil people in this world. Now tell us what feelings that you are dealing with right now that make you want to go and harm.

hey sannah-yes i get what your saying :)

well, its everything really. but right now i dont know. my therapist(read my other thread'suppose that went ok') asked me this yesterday, but i dont know. its just a feeling, its kinda phsyical , you know when something upsets you and you can physically feel it weighing you down-its like that :( i feel sick these days, worn down and exhausted :(

i also feel pretty damn week for going back to my doc :(

i have another counsellor tomorrow and a disability assessment then work :(:blob_fire

then friday, i trail my as to the docs, wanting her help, but as my therapist asked-why do i go back a lot. i dont know. she thinks she doesnt help but she does, dont know how, i wish i did so i could annoy somebody else. what do you think it is?? i mean i have a counsellor but she is not the same, theres something about my doc and i cant put my finger on it. i also cannot say this to them-its creepy, i dont want to be creepy because i know im sane in the 'non-stalker' sense. do you get me??

ps-ill reply tomorrow as im out of the house tonight :)

xox

Pucca, I would discuss this with the doctor, just tell her! She has some quality about her personality that is very comforting to you, something that you really lack in your life. Could it just be a gentle woman who will love you like a mother? As for you not knowing what you are feeling, this is what I would focus on, discovering what you are feeling. You could do this by really trying to think about it, by journaling, or posting here. I guess you just don't have any experience with focusing on what you are feeling but you can learn how to do this. I guess you have all of these intense feelings inside and you can't figure them out and cutting releases them for you (I still cannot believe that this physical act can release emotions - or is it the punishing part of it that does something to your trapped emotions?). This cutting, though, is not healthy. You need to practice doing it the healthy way - by discovering what you are feeling and then letting it out EMOTIONALLY. IMO this is the only way to stop cutting - to learn how to release your emotions emotionally, so start practicing now so that you can stop this need to harm.

hey sannah! well yes, thats exactly it. but i cant tell her that! shell be freaked out, i dont do touchy feelyness and i get the feeling she wont -not with her patients. i think i know wha it isshe is really soft and gentle, if thers something i dont want to do she will not make me, she knows its hard at times and is gentle(unlike my own other who just bulldozes right into the *** of it). its the warm motherly voice i think, she very relaxing and good at calming. when im waiting to see her im a mess in my head. nervous, sicky and broken, but when i go in its less formal these days and she helps, she may not think it but just a few words help for some reason even though they dont change anything-theyre comforting for the time im there.it actually hs the same effetc as harming for me, is like a release or relaxation, only its positive, going without her for a week is like going without harming-but harmings right beside me if i need it.she isnt patronising either, she is quite young and trendy its not like im sitting talking to an old bag dressed in a curtain who talks down to me. i would be mortified to tell my doc or counsellor this, id die on the spot! its freaky, what if they think ill become too attatched and itll hinder my progress-then they might move me to another doc. but i feel once i get better these feelings will ease away and i wont need a mothery person all the time.

i feel SOOOOOOOOO guilty because my own mother isnt cold or mean really. she is a soft person underneath but only in a vunerable way. she has a lot of barriers as she is a nuse, but we dont talk or do touchy feely stuff. but i know they love me, they show it trugh worrying where i am, and they do use words like'yes love' and'pet', but its not enough. how do you tell someone like my doc how your feeling wihout sounding dusgusting, what if someone mistakes me for a big lesbian!!!(i have no probelms with lesbians-im just not one) the annoying thing is this whole dc thing is significant i know, but i cant get past it because i cant tell them :(

about my therapy session-yea i couldnt close my eyes because i cudnt trust her. well i do, but i might look stupid and i cant see what she is doing with my eyes closed :( but i like her, shes nice and funny. but there is something different about my doc, go its soo annoying.why do i go for a mothery types if i have one already. im not hers , she probably has kids, i dont make a conscious decision to latch to her, i just need releif sometimes. its hard not to and im confused, she s helping which she is supposed to-but why does this feel so wrong??

well what do yu think?? whats should i do?? how do i explain that she helps??

xox

Pucca, you explained perfectly why you like your doc so much. You crave the comfort that she brings to you. There is nothing wrong with this at all. And you are right, you will get to a point where you will not need this so much because you will be able to do it for yourself. Don't feel guilty because your mother does not give you what you need. You are not being ungrateful for understanding your needs. Understanding your needs and then meeting them is extremely important. You don't have to tell your doc anything but you could just tell her that when you are having a tough time like you have been that she is so comforting to you and this is why you like to see her. There is nothing wrong with voicing your needs. Do you feel guilty or stupid because you have needs? Do your parents get irritated when you voice a need?

hey! well i had the crappiest day, i scared myself. i looked for the pills i thought were in my bag, i would have taken them only i left them in my other bag :( i dont know if i should explain this to my doc, it may freak her out, and alos i read up on manipulative paience and some of the stuff ive said qualifies for this perfectly even though i have NEVER purposly manipulated her, its just how i feel. :( im caught between if i say this but i didnt do it she may think im looking for sympathy or manipulating her, but if i dont i feel helpess and they just cant get how bad it was/is. so im stuck........again.

see i waited all day in the rain to see the UNI counsellor to find she was off. when this happened the ground crumbled beneath my feet. i sooo badly needed to talk to someone, i was on the verge of just breaking down completley and didnt know how id get through the next few hours. but i did :( and went to wrok :(

about my doc, i see her tomorrow-im nervous after what i said about not trying and all that. yea, see im worried shell think im stalking her at work or something!! about my parents, they would think im being thee biggest idiot for needeing this. theyre ok if i genuinley need something useful in their eyes, but as they dont go for touchy feelyness-yes this would qualitfy as them being irriated, they cant understand levels of emotion that well unless they feel it at that moment themsleves.and theyd kill me if they knew i was pestering a doc like this, theyd be so angry i dread to think of the names :(

another problem. i got assessed at the disability service and they said if i bring my receit for my laptop theyll refund me £600! but the only thing is my dad bought it at xmas for me and he has the the reciet, i need to find it. thatd all be great only really the £600 belongs to him, yes i need it far more than he does and the allowence is meant for me as in normal cases they buy the laptop for you and give it to you-in this case tey give me £600-but it was his cash that got me the laptop anyway. i will have to tell them im on the disability register for concentration probs, or i could just find the receit and keep the cash-but do you think thats a bit wrong?? id feel guilty spending his cash :( without him even knowing about it.

i think tomorrow ill expalin to her she IS helping but maybe she doesnt know how she is. that just being there gives me releif for that moment-like self harm only its healthy.

xox

Pucca, all of your worrying about what to tell your doc and trying to figure out all the outcomes - it's going to drive you bananas! Do what YOU need to do and say what YOU need to say and don't worry about its affects on others. You are not trying to harm anyone here, you are trying to get better.