Seems over the past few days the ex has found its way into my thoughts again. I was so happy cause I hadn't really thought about her too much in a little. Sure here and there but spotty. Now I have had dreams with her in it, stuff is reminding me of her left and right, and I am stuck thinking of the things I think I could have done to save the relationship. Not really sure why this is popping up again, but I really wish it would go away. It brings me down most times and I hate that. Just like today it is has been on my mind since close to when I walked out the door. Now I'm at work and all I want to do is go over there and see her.

I just hope I'm having a bad day or 2 and it isn't the start of something again. That is when I am at my worst is when she is in my thoughts. That is when I feel the most lonely, sad and anxious.

Hi Chaos, I look at getting better as taking your first issue and battling it (and you did this over the last weekend). Well, after that all is not well yet, there are more issues and the next one has just popped up for you to tackle (it's like they are all in a line waiting for their turn to be dealt with!) You can take this issue now and solve it just like you did the last one! Do not become discouraged and feel like you are going to slide back into your hell, you will not. You will solve this issue too so get to work and start solving this one! She is in your thoughts because she is related to your next issue that needs to be resolved. You are on your way!

Guess I'm not sure on how to deal with it. I thought I sort of had and that is why she had left my thoughts. I work with her everyday so it makes it very difficult as I have to see her everyday. We have been fully apart for a little over a month now. No talking besides pleasantries in hall and the occasional hi and bye. For about a month and half before that we were taking space, but we still talked and hung out occasionally.

We have a mutual friend that I talk to every now and then about the ex. She tells me there is def no other guy presently. She says she has no real idea how the ex feels towards me as they haven't talked much about guys/relationships lately as they have both been dealing with some medical and other stuff personally. Is it wrong to talk to the mutual friend about the ex?

Part of me wants to ask her to grab dinner after work sometime and just go and hang out and talk. I haven't yet cause I'm just not sure. I'm not sure if enough time has passed, I'm not sure if I am ready, and I'm not sure if she will even want to. As you can probably tell a lot of thought has gone into this lately. I really hate that these thoughts are back. Thankfully, I haven't had the thoughts to call her like I used to.

When she enters my mind I feel 1 of 2 things. One is sadness and lonely that she doesn't want me and wants others. That she would never listen to any thoughts of even trying 'us' out again. The other feeling is content and sometimes happy that she might, sometime down the road, listen to thoughts of getting back together. That all she needs is time to recover over the loss of her mother and to get over what ever hurdles she has with me. These thoughts trouble me though as I am scared they are holding me back and are unlikely scenario that I am trying to hold onto to make myself feel better.

This post went on a little more then I had intended but I hope you get the point.

Chaos, you will either get back together or you won't. She either wants to get back together or she doesn't. You can either wait around or get on with your life. Waiting around for someone would drive me crazy, I couldn't do it.

Ya, I'm not waiting around. I've been out doing stuff and such. Not sure if I am ready to date seriously though presently so I've tried to pull back in that respect. At first I wanted to date right away, guess I figured it would fill the void. All it did though was bring me more anxiety and worry. I still get the feeling, the feeling of filling that void and finding someone that cares about me, but I think I am just trying to hard presently and nothing good comes out of that it seems.

I know stuff between her and I are basically out of my hands. Guess that is what I hate he most, the loss of control. I just don't want to feel like I left a stone unturned. Maybe that is why I haven't asked her to hang out after work, too scared she might say no and that will be the final.

I really wish these thoughts hadn't come back. I do my best at rationalizing out the crazy thoughts like when I get it in my head thinking about who she likes now or what she is doing. I try and tell myself that has no influence over my so why worry about it or even think about it. I shudder when I even think about her at all lately cause I know the thoughts will just come like a water spicket.

Is it bad to have some hope that eventually might get back together down the road or is that just holding me down? I think it is bad in some parts because maybe it holds me back from healing, but in other parts I think hope is fine as long as you don't let it dictate your life.

This working with her thing is for the birds, but it is a great job and I wouldn't leave it. Plus, it is not like we are hostile or anything, just sucks seeing her presently as it brings back memories.

I still get the feeling, the feeling of filling that void and finding someone that cares about me,

Is it bad to have some hope that eventually might get back together down the road or is that just holding me down? I think it is bad in some parts because maybe it holds me back from healing, but in other parts I think hope is fine as long as you don't let it dictate your life.



Chaos, how about finding YOU to care about yourself. This must come first before you will ever find a successful relationship. The best relationship partners are those who are comfortable being alone.

I don't think that it is bad having hope but you are letting it dicate your life!

Yep, that is exactly why I feel the way I do presently. I want to focus on me, but me feels so alone right now. I guess it is like a drug. Once addicted you feel like you need it to continue and going without would just kill you. That is how I feel right now. I feel as if I need that special someone in my life or I am not happy or complete.

I realize the problem, just not too sure how to deal with it and improve it.

Chaos, well in the past you didn't work on building up yourself, you just focused on others filling this void for you. You just need to stop doing what isn't working and start working on what is truly going to bring you peace - working on building up yourself.

That is where I get confused. I know how to try and deal with the thoughts such as breathing exercises, rational thought, etc but to me I can't see a way to work on 'myself'. Right now not much makes me feel good. If I have a day of content that is a good day to me. My mind tells me that finding that special someone will make me feel good and it presses me to do it ASAP. Thus, causing anxiety and depression. Everywhere I go I feel I must be on the lookout for a GF. Someone to love me. It seems to be an endless cycle.

How do you work on you? I run from any 'alone' time and when I do have it I spend it pre-occupied with thoughts usually. Thus I avoid it. Would love to hear some ideas on how I can work on myself, cause to be honest I'm at a loss there.

Chaos, quit running from yourself and stop and think. You will come up with your own answers. Do not be afraid of your thoughts. You did some excellent work this past weekend - you do have success with this. I guess previously you did not have help with your thoughts and you got all lost in them and then the anxiety took over.

I am going camping this weekend with some family. I was hesitant at first, but I figured it would be a good time to focus on me. I would still have the safety net of family but no outside influences. Oddly enough, one of my thoughts was was that I would be missing out on a opportunity to meet new ppl and maybe even that special girl. See what I mean about how I think too much about meeting others...it seems obsessive.

To answer your question, yes this is the first time I have ever just dealt with these type of feelings. They are strongest now and probably affect me more cause any other times it has happened I have had roommates or lots of friends around and I could just distract myself till it went away. Now I live by myself and don't have many close friends that aren't like 6 hrs away.

Guess, I will just have to have a go at it. Sometimes I get excited thinking of the time after work that I can just be by myself, bu then once i walk out of my car into the house I immed start feeling like I should go somewhere, call someone, or do something so i am not alone. I guess it is better to not let the distractions hide my feelings like before until they just get pushed down.

I really hope I can get over this in a decent amount of time and that this helps me down the road. Cause right now it can really suck. I just don't see a way to work on 'me' when all i want is others right now. Heck I can't see how to work on 'me' at all right now. Not that I don't want to, I very much do. I just don't know where to even begin.

Chaos, you will figure it out!

I hope so, cause right now I am really confused. It doesn't make sense to me how I can work on myself. Ironically, I always tell people to work on themselves when they are having problems. Now that is me, I'm truly sure what that means or even how to go about it.

Dear Chaos,

Looking at oneself internally. Knowing that there are uncomfortable feelings and it is all connected.

You may ask "what is all connected?"

Who you are: why you feel the way you do, your outlook on life and so much more.

Take care
God Bless
FTM

Well one good thing it seems is that I'm not so anxious. I don't have the constant need to get up and pace and get away at work. I am able to calm myself down some when at home or in other situations that it would usually blow up in. Now, don't get me wrong, it is nowhere near gone, but i can at least see some dings in it which brings me hope at times.

It seems though that the anxiety was hiding some of the depression. So now that the anxiety has slipped a little I can see more of the depression. Does that make sense?

Well one good thing it seems is that I'm not so anxious. I don't have the constant need to get up and pace and get away at work. I am able to calm myself down some when at home or in other situations that it would usually blow up in. Now, don't get me wrong, it is nowhere near gone, but i can at least see some dings in it which brings me hope at times.


Chaos, THIS IS PROGRESS! Don't you see it?

Oh, don't get me wrong, i def know it is progress :) I guess the way I feel is like someone that has been shot 5 times and just had 1 removed. Yes, they took out 1 bullet but what about the other 4.

When things get bad in my head I think about the stuff I have accomplished so far and try and tell myself 'See, I did that now I can do this'. It is just a hard fought battle as my mind has apparently been training for this fight for 30 years lol

I find myself going through periods of emotions. No logner is it 1 emotion all day. The roller coaster does suck but at least I am not depressed/anxious all day usually. Now my good moments may only be liek 5 minutes, but at least it is 5 minutes of knowing that I won a little battle.

Does any ofthat make sense lol

[/QUOTE]Ironically, I always tell people to work on themselves when they are having problems. Now that is me, I'm truly sure what that means or even how to go about it.[/QUOTE]

YOU are worth working on yourself:)

Chaos, actually the rollercoaster description was very informative. I always wondered why people got worse before they got better and this might be part of the explanation. I guess before you had a set way to "function" and it was at least stable. When you start to shake it up a bit it sort of destablilizes you even though you are moving in the right direction?

Well, I def wouldn't say I am any worse then I was at my high pt a few weeks back. I just meant now instead of the constant anxiety/depression, it comes and goes. So I ended up feeling pushed and pulled in all directions which sucks. It is def better then the constant anxiety/depression and always feeling pressed down. It is just so weird to go through such mood swings and sometimes very fast. It really sucks when the good feeling lasts like only 30 sec then the bad ones start fighting for control again.

I see it as getting better, slowly but surely. It shows I have dinged its armor at least which is a good sign and I just need to always remember that. I'm just at another cross road right now and I'm trying to figure out which road to take. Thus the confusion...

So, once I left work I was able to pull myself up some though I must admit I would have loved to go see the therapist and work through the stuff that has been in my head, esp with the ex and my constant search to fill the void. I really wish I could get it out of my head that I need someone right now. I still don't think I am over th ex enough to give others a fair chance with me.

I went running, which almost always seems to at least put me in a good place during and for some time after. I then was able to cool down watching some tv then reading. I finally got a good nights sleep, which has been a rare thing lately. The work thing is going ok. It has been slow at work so thus more time to think and in that environment that isn't good, esp with ex nearby. The thoughts can easily flow, but I do my best to beat them back.

This weekend, starting tomorrow afternoon I will be camping till Sunday afternoon. I'm hoping that time will be well spent and I can have a nice relaxing weekend and not think about the outside world. I would love to maybe dive into finding out more about myself and working on me. Now to just figure out where to start and how :)

Chaos, maybe it is too soon for you to be in a relationship at all right now? You need to do some you work first? Maybe because of your anxiety you feel this urgency to chase after this "you work" and grab hold of it fast. There really isn't anything to grab hold of. It is a slow process of relaxing, figuring out what you like, what you need, how you function. Hey, I do natal astrology charts (where the planets were when you were born). When I had mine done at 25 I was blown away. Give me your birthdate. Were you born in SC? These charts give you a lot of personality characteristic info.

Ya, I'm pretty sure I'm not ready to date. If my ex ever said anything I would def go back though w/o a second though. Part of me just feels empty. My mind tells me I need a gf in my life to be complete. This is a big thing I'm working on.

As for me, I know I have work to do and if I do it know it can only help me. I've been working on my obsessiveness lately. I don't have the compulsive part really of OCD, but def O part. I find myself 'needing' to do things in order to feel better. One example was the calling of the ex a while back. I always had to call her around 8pm everyday so that I could sleep. Thankfully I seem to have knocked out that 1, but it is def 1 of many heh.

Another thing I'm working on is my anger skills. I have had a tendency to blow up at people, when it is not really their fault or their actions def didn't warrant my reaction. I think it is my way of releasing my emotions. Sadly though it gets directed at ppl that don't deserve and it usually comes out as anger. I seem to do it to ppl I care about the most too, which really sucks. I've noticed I've made some strides there.

As for your questions I'm from FLA and my birth date is 1-31-77. Lived in SC for about 2 years now. Most of my good friends are back in FLA. They are the ones that would usually help me if I felt like this. I think that is 1 thing that def bothers, is my good friends being so far away. I have a good job here and I have my own house, so I def don't want to just pack up and move back. To me that would be giving in to the feelings and just running away. Plus, who is to say I wouldn't feel the same there. Plus, I would be very far from my family. I like that i can drive 3 hrs and visit them anytime I so wish.

This seems to be getting a little long so I shall stop here :)

Chaos here is your chart -
Sun is in 11 Degrees Aquarius.
You get bored with the status quo and are generally open to new things and ideas. An individualist and a free spirit, your friends are quite important to you as long as they do not try to tie you down by making too many emotional demands on you. Your thoughts are offbeat and you're a bit eccentric, but not always very changeable. As a matter of fact, you can be quite stubborn at times. Very fair-minded when dealing with large groups or broad issues, you are not always emotionally sensitive to the needs of individuals. Extremely objective, with good powers of observation, you would be qualified to study technical and complicated subjects, like science, computers or maybe even astrology.

Moon is in 00 Degrees Cancer.
For the most part, you are very strong and secure emotionally. You intuitively know what to do to make others feel comfortable, loved, accepted and needed. You naturally enjoy feeding and taking care of others. Be careful that your mothering does not turn into smothering. At times, you tend to feel that those to whom you are attached can never do anything without your assistance and support. Extremely sensitive by nature, it hurts you deeply whenever anyone criticizes you. You have an almost desperate need to be loved and wanted and needed by everyone with whom you come into contact, and you go out of your way to be accommodating to them.

Mercury is in 16 Degrees Capricorn.
You are a careful thinker, very cautious and conservative. You are quite skillful at organizing, directing and planning activities. Practical and useful things interest you -- you are not attracted to abstract thoughts or ideas. With your tendency to be highly focused and very goal-oriented, you have a good head for business. But beware of a tendency to be narrow-minded and dogmatic. Your sense of humor tends toward being earthy and slapstick crude.

Venus is in 28 Degrees Pisces.
You have a dreamy, fanciful, romantic nature and a very creative imagination. Indeed, at times, your private fantasies are more appealing than the reality around you and it is difficult for you to leave them. You tend to be unselfish and giving in relationships and are extremely sensitive of the needs of others. Be very sure that those you help are worthy of your devotion and are not merely taking advantage of your innocence and naivete.

Mars is in 23 Degrees Capricorn.
Extremely ambitious, you are willing to work very hard to reach the goals you have set for yourself. Very practical, cautious and conservative, you demand tangible results for your efforts. You need to excel in whatever you do, and you have the required sense of responsibility, dedication and self-discipline to bring it about. Beware of your tendency to judge others only by their degree of status and prestige, or by how well they will be able to advance you in your climb to the top.

Chaos, very interesting. You are air, water, and earth. The water (cancer and pisces) is very emotional, the earth (capricorn is very structured, organized, and a hard worker). The air is aquarius. We have two things in common - the capricorn in mercury and mars. Mercury is how you think, Mars is your aggression and how you get things done. Having your thinking in Capricorn makes it very structured and organized. With it in Mars you can accomplish anything.

Wow, that actually describes me to a T. I might have to print that out later and show it to some people They will def agree. If you ever wanted to know about me on a basic lvl there ya go.

- Ambitious
- Tend to resist change
- Extremely sensitive by nature, it hurts you deeply whenever anyone criticizes.
- Care a lot about what ppl think of me and want to be accepted
- Very good at helping friends and giving advice (just need to do it for myself now heh)
- Technical (I am a DB admin)
- Stubborn
- Can smoother the ones I love when I'm really just trying to care for them (latest example is my ex)
- A careful thinker, very cautious and conservative

Very cool stuff Sannah

Chaos, I know, this stuff is amazing. Hope it helps you to figure out you!

To stray to a different subject, I have a few questions for you Sannah and really anyone else that can relate.

Is it good to slowly cut away those lifelines. By lifelines I mean the stuff I do everyday that makes me feel relaxed and safe. Such as I always called a friend around 9am every day from work. I looked forward to it. Sometimes it would be 20 min sometimes 5 min. I looked at it as a 'getting away' from work and such. I started to notice though I became reliant on it though. So for this week i have stopped. At first it seemed foreign and weird but now I seem to do just fine without it. In fact stopping seems to have helped me a little knowing I don't need it.

Now I have many other things I will do and have slowly cut some out. My question is it it good to have all these 'lifelines' and is it a good thing to slowly get rid of them. Not saying to get rid of them all or at once, just slowly bit by bit cut back some. I ask cause I find myself become almost reliant on some of them and if they don't happen I get more anxious. Almost like I have tied them to feeling good.

Thanks for any comments!

Chaos, my opinion is that you should move toward relying on yourself. Anything that you have to do to feel good sounds like an "addiction". Of course move slowly and go at your own pace. I can see how stopping something might make you feel better. Please ask any other specific questions about this if needed.

Good morning! Well, the camping trip went fairly well. Was able to relax and try and figure somethings out. So, I did a lot of thinking, which of course stirred some memories I think. I also did a lot of reading on Self Esteem and handling anxiety. I seem to be doing better with the rational thought process, but the thoughts seem to come in large waves now. It gets almost tiring having to rationalize my thoughts or tell them to just shut up that they don't affect me anymore. Recently, it has been ALOT to do with the ex and I'm still not sure why. I went a few weeks there just feeling sort of down and anxious but it was hardly over the ex. Now it is about the ex a lot with lots of thoughts of loneliness.

Yesterday though I felt down most of the day into the night. The thought of the weekend being over and having to come to work did not sit well with me. Also, once I did get home I found out the person I go running with can't do it at all this week. That was something I looked forward to each day and in fact looked forward to a lot on Sunday. I took it in stride I think and at least so far it hasn't brought me down really that I can tell. I will know more tonight.

I also heard from an old friend, or an old flame I should say. A good friend of mine that I've always had a thing for. She was basically the one I let get away (at least in my mind). We dated many years back. Well, needless to say I was very happy to hear from her...till I found out she is now engaged and getting married in Oct. I'm very happy for her, but of course there is a little part of me that is sad. This ended up bring up thoughts along the lines of 'Well everyone is married why aren't I'.

I go to see my therapist Wed so that is something I'm def looking forward to. I think I'm going to ask her to go back to the once a week visits as the 2 week space left me dangling with a lot of issues and questions for her. At least for now I think it would be good to have somewhere to go to work on this stuff once a week. I have learned, or I should say am trying to learn, to stop thoughts that don't really affect me. As well as trying to not dwell in the past with what ifs. Now I also need to work on trying to not think ahead of the present. The past and present is where I get myself in the most trouble, esp lately.

I end with this, a question I wondered about last nt. No matter how the day goes I'm almost always able to relax and get to sleep on most nights. How is it that almost every night I'm able to be at least calmed down enough and relaxed enough to do my nightly routine and get to sleep at a decent hour? Then I wake up and bamm right back into the sadness and anxiety like clockwork. Some days are better then others but it baffles me that at night, say starting around 8pm, go to sleep then wake up and it is all back again.

trying to not dwell in the past with what ifs. Now I also need to work on trying to not think ahead of the present. The past and present is where I get myself in the most trouble, esp lately.


Hey Chaos, glad you had a good weekend. I thought of you a few times during this gorgeous weekend and was hoping you were enjoying your camping trip.

Sounds like you did a lot of productive thinking again this weekend!

Your quote above, these past/present/future issues were major for my healing. You are on the right track!

It is important to have something to look forward to. This is very, very important for me. Maybe as you work more stuff out you will have more things to look forward to as you weed out the bad in your life and fill it up more with good things.

Maybe you are dwelling on your ex a lot still because you are still struggling with loneliness and she embodies this issue for you. Our minds hate vacuums and it is almost impossible to tell a thought to leave you alone unless you replace it with it's opposite, which is basically solving the issue. Good functional thoughts do not haunt us, only the thoughts which distress us do.

You say you have about a couple dozen visits per year with your health plan. Sounds like the therapist just wanted to stretch them out for the whole year. I agree with you, once a week for now would be more beneficial for you. I see you being able to get through a dozen appts or so and being able to work through all of your current issues. You don't seem like someone who won't move quickly because you do excellent independent mental health work.

I am really glad that you are able to calm down at night and go to sleep! Do you think that this could be because you are getting much more comfortable with yourself alone now and your distress comes now with interacting with your outside environment? If this is the case, I think that this is progress! You must build up your foundation/identity (you) in order to go out and be strong to tackle your issues with your environment. You will have just as much success with this as you had with getting more comfortable with yourself.

Yes, I can see the problem and even understand it to the point of knowing it is wrong, but fixing it seems to be a whole other story. Like I said I've been doing better at beating the thoughts back, but they seem to come with more frequency lately for some reason.

As for the ex problems, I'm sure working with her and see her 5 days a week doesn't help. I so much want to just go over and ask her to get some food after work. I miss her so much as my gf and as my best friend, which she was. To see her being social with everyone just kills me. I guess if I look at it as a whole I am doing better with her. I don't go over and try and start up conv anymore. I don't call her anymore. I don't agonize over what she is doing (most of the time). What gets me now-a-days is the backwards thinking of what could I have done to save us. The whole hanging out after work thing has been on my mind a lot lately too. I will prob end up asking, but when is a different story. I will agree though that her not being a part of my life does leave me feeling sort of empty. I have been trying to fill that emptiness, almost sometimes to a fault. I know I care about the ex a lot. I also know that I'm probably stepping that up even more cause I miss her and that void seems huge. I know that the loss of the relationship is not entirely my fault, but it is hard to get my mind to agree. My therapist keeps telling me this and it does make sense at the time, but it is hard to get it engraved in my head. I almost think I would have an easier time if I could just get angry at her. This would make my mind want nothing to do with her and maybe push her out. I have even tried this thinking of stuff to be mad about and it does help some, but overall it just comes back soon.

As for the night thing, that has almost always been the way I am during this. It is almost as if my mind puts up a barrier a couple of hours before bed. Now I do still have the thoughts etc, but they come less frequent and I seem to be able to beat them. I do have the occasional dreams and such about the depression, anxiety, and ex but those thankfully have been few and far between. In fact the last one I had with the ex was a little over a week ago which ironically is when this hyper thinking about her started back up.

Things to look forward to keep me going and in fact probably keep me from falling into the anxiety pitfalls like I used to be in. I used to get so bad that I would dry heave, pace around uncontrollable, heart racing, etc all for simple things such as a person not calling me or a event being canceled. The only problem is I have very little to look forward to these days. Running was one of them and that is gone this week. Hopefully I can get motivation and go to the gym to replace that this week.

I just really want some stability in my life that I can grab on to. In my mind right now that would be a gf, friends and people in general. It seems most ppl when they get depression sort of cubby hole up and not want to leave. I am the opposite I want to be around people. The only problem is, I don't have a lot of people to be around presently. Thus I end up at home and get cabin fever in 2 seconds. Now I do get anxious and scared sometimes in new settings, but def nothing like I've heard of from some people and it doesn't usually keep me from going. I find myself really missing my old hometown I moved from a few years ago. All my best friends are there and I miss them a lot, esp in times like these.

Wow I guess I have a lot on my mind today it seems!

I do have the occasional dreams and such about the ex but those thankfully have been few and far between. In fact the last one I had with the ex was a little over a week ago which ironically is when this hyper thinking about her started back up.


Chaos, do you think that as you are putting more psychological space between you and your ex (thus, fewer dreams about her) that maybe you are getting frantic about losing her in your thoughts? So therefore you want two opposing things - you want your ex but at the same time you want to be free of her so you are battling with yourself.

I think that as you build a life for yourself that you will feel more stability and have much more to look forward to.

Understanding your problems and fixing them is just taking them one more step - finding a solution after you find understanding. Maybe you just don't fully understand yourself yet. Maybe you are just at the stage of understanding in an academic way the problem but now you need to understand all of the tiny connections of the problem with how the problem makes you behave. As an example, I used to have problems with letting other people's needs supercede my own. Okay, I can understand someone telling me "you don't meet your own needs". I needed to pull the exact behavior up that I do when I didn't meet my needs. An exact behavior that I did was to let an entire interaction be about the other person only all of the time. I would listen, and listen, and listen. Be of service to the max all of the time. Once I made this connection and was able to see a specific behavior I stopped doing this, therefore, I made a change. (I do this now here, listen, and listen and listen and help but I am getting my needs met elsewhere now. Previously, I was never meeting my own needs anywhere). You need to identify all of the behaviors that are related to all of your issues and make the changes there. The change has to occur for the issue to be solved and the change is in our behavior or in our thoughts.

Chaos, do you think that as you are putting more psychological space between you and your ex (thus, fewer dreams about her) that maybe you are getting frantic about losing her in your thoughts? So therefore you want two opposing things - you want your ex but at the same time you want to be free of her so you are battling with yourself.
Not sure if I'm scared of losing her in my thoughts. In fact I wish I could get her out of my thoughts. I do agree that I want my ex but at the same time want to be free of her. It just seems hard cause I don't seem to have something to grab on to in reguards to her and say 'there, that is the reason she needs to be gone'. With exs in the past I def had that or I was the one that broke up. I do think about 'losing' her for good though when it comes to dating again. I'm so scared that if she finds out I'm out trying to date, that would be the end of everything for sure. I know though that right now we don't have anything as it is. That is where my future thinking comes in to play and letting the thoughts of her fill my head. This leads me to anxiety more then depressed though cuase I worry about what I could do, when I should do it, how it should be done, etc.

What I really wish I could get rid of is the thoughts of the past. I just can't get it our of my head. I think that I could have saved it if I had just done this or that. Thoughts of past actions and words are the worst cause there isn't a damn thing I can do about them. I try telling myself this and it might block for a few, but then it comes right back and I have to battle it again. This def caues me despression.

You've been talking with me these many weeks and will prob notice that for while I didn't have these thoughts or they were not that strong. I'm really baffled as to why they appear now, cause once they start it sends me into a tailspin emptionally. It starts with what ifs, then what am I going to do to get her back, to lonely, to I will never get married yet all my friends are now. As you can see that is def not a path I want to take as I feel it backs up my progress.

I just want to be happy and I know that most ppl after a breakup feel like they lost the one person for them. I know this isn't true that there are more out there. I just hate that the person that knew me and all my little quirks is gone and I will have to go through that with another girl. Which of course brings on anxiety sadly. I really hope I won't put future people in comparison with the ex. I did that in the past cause that is just self destruction.

I just hate that the person that knew me and all my little quirks is gone and I will have to go through that with another girl. Which of course brings on anxiety sadly.

Chaos, you are working on a lot of your "little quirks" right now so there should be fewer of them when you have your next relationship. You should also be working on your self worth so that when anyone gets to know you in the future you will have no shame to bring on anxiety.

I would try to force yourself to stay in the present. Do not let your thoughts take you into the past to "if I only would have done this" and do not let them go into the future to "if I try this then I will get her back". Stay in the present and only deal with issues that are REAL right now. If you spend all of your time in the past or future you are missing out on life RIGHT NOW. If your thoughts go to the past or future find something to do RIGHT NOW that is in the present and stop that thinking. You know as well as I do that all of this past and future thinking is a big waste of time. I would only think about your ex if she comes up to you and says "Chaos I want to try again".

Here I am sitting, trying my best to be in the present and relax at work. Then I look and see my ex going to lunch with another of the guys we work with back here. Now, I know it is more then likely just friends, but still my mind is off and running. I was doing pretty good till then so needless to say I'm none to happy right now. I'm trying to rationalize in my head that they are just friends. Heck, I think it would be rude as hell to start up with another guy in the same office. I don't think she would do that. This is yet another reason I hate working with her. If I didn't work with her I wouldn't have to see her and she wouldn't affect me so much.

I'm also trying to tell myself that no matter what it doesn't affect me. Her doing that should not affect anything going on in the day or this week or whatever. Just as the person next to me going to lunch with a co-worker wouldn't affect me. The only reason this event enters my mind is that it is my ex.

I will admit I found it sort of ironic that I was trying to live in the moment and the moment went sour. Man, I've noticed I'm super sensitive lately to any emotions.

Chaos, ahhh, the present is uncomfortable sometimes is it? Well, this is when we deal with it. Guess what, your ex is going off with this guy and they are getting romantically involved. It doesn't really matter what they are doing, it doesn't concern you. Do you need to draw a boundary here between yourself and your ex? You are no longer a part of her life, now get on with yours.

Ah yes the boundaries. I'm better then I was with her, but it still a work in progress. It is just so weird to me to see an ex everyday. Most ppl get exs and never have to see them again. They actually worry or hate bumping into them say at the mall. I, on the other hand, get to see mine everyday. I think that is hampering my boundaries. I'm trying hard, really I am. I try and avoid all contact and involvement with her as I can. I try and put on the happy face at work and act like all is well. I doubt anyone here even knows a little bit of what I am going through inside.

I just wish I could deal with her so I can move on to other problems and better myself. There are times I would love to just back up and move back to Fla where most of friends are. I know that wouldn't be good as I would just be running away. Plus, I have my own house and a great job here, minus working with the ex. It times like this that I really miss my old friends.

Chaos, after I moved, this is when I finally finished and resolved my major issues. You are correct, running from your problems will not solve them. I actually liked to be put in situations which would bring out my issues because this was the only way I would be able to solve them.

Yep, I agree with that. I guess I was just hoping that part was farther behind me and not still in front. I guess the fact that I went a couple of weeks w/o her entering my mind and now she is back in full force kind of scares me. Maybe it is the fact that I am slowly pushing her out is the very reason she is so present right now. I seem to have so much I want to say and do, yet not even really sure. I feel like I haven't laid every possible card on the table, yet I'm not even sure if the table is there.

I will fully admit I am jealous as hell that she seems like all is well with the world. Then again I try and put on the happy face, just not sure how good it is though. It seems that she is almost made a world of the office, and just excluded me. To go from the one person she used to hang with back here to being one of the few excluded, just down right sucks. I feel sort of thrown away really. I guess I can be glad she isn't mean about it all at least.

I am kind of glad that one of the things I can't do while on these meds is drink. Cause I really think I could go for some drinks right now, but that just makes it worse overall in the end and it is always regretted.

I think the hr is going to go quick on Wednesday when I see the therapist. So much stuff...

EDIT: I'm starting to think that the realization, I mean full realization, that she is 'gone' is hitting me. Maybe my mind is fighting back in a way to not make that happen?