hello I am looking to medicate my symptoms away
the quick is I have kids that I do not want harm by my out of the blue rages.
I had a head injury in 92 that altered my in many ways that seem subltle to those that do not know the before after persons.

one of those issues is frustration based anger. if I feel unable to control a situation or am not in the "drivers seat" of a situation I will also lose it.
yes I have done counseling and that has gotten too pricey just over a year in counseling and part of the last part I got on LExAPRO.
I even went weekly to EA meetings. I really got llittle out of it all. mostly stuff about childhood that does nothing to my feelings stuff I got over years ago. hell decades ago. The head injury is the onset of this kind of anger.

Lex does not do what I need. I am looking for a different med that serves frustration or blow ups. but I cant lose the sense of urgency at work catch 22 I know

One other severe problems has been somolance I can sleep all the time since 92. thankfully I gained a workaholic drive too or Id still be in a long term facility. but I am always tired I can fight it but I cant wake easily and stay half awake for hours able to go back to sleep no matter the amount banked. have done bouts of 16- 18 hr sleep runs years ago I still sleep all day on my days off. but at work if I can keep busy theres no stopping me.
and on that note if I push it to see how long I can go I can go up to 32 hrs working straight did that once to see what my limit was. but generaly I its not due to work that I am overtired all the time since I have held vastly different types of jobs since 92' some easy some hard some fast some boring. no job has ever changed this sleep thing and I used to think that Ill get used to being up since I got used to sleeping after the injury but not the case.

Denial, sorry to hear about your problem. Yes, I have heard a lot of stuff about head injury and mental changes. What does the neurologist say about it? But for you to become angry if you are not in control, this IS something that you can work on. I used to have control issues and I got over them. IMO, people who have the need to control things believe that they are safer if they are in control. These folks grew up in some type of insecure environment and they needed some security so they started to control things to bring them relief. Well, controlling everything doesn't necessarily make you safer it will just drive you and everyone else nuts. I had to learn to let go of these needs to control and realize what would really help me to feel safer. Basically you are safe if you can protect yourself and just control your own personal boundaries. You don't have to control the whole environment.

yes sannah I beleive you are right and its taken along time to get to this point of understanding alone and it took a long time to figure out the lack of control feelings on a situation. yes also your insight into growing up too..
but heres the problem I generally am not a control type I generally try to ride out the situation, and am generally calm and reserved but there are these flip the switch times of night and day and heavy introspection has gotten me to see some of what I can do about it and read into it but I am at a loss on how to control certain aspects of it.
I stopped medical treatment when the doctors were saying that certain question anwser tests were troubling I had just about enough on my plate at the time and did not want to deal with being told about damage to my brain. I was pretty shaken up mentally then to and a lot of my actions were less than logical. I had an impact on a bicycle and a storm grate catapulting face first into asphalt. could not walk had to relearn to walk .headaches, etc..
I have found lexapro through my search to work on the anger that i have been in denial about. but it only does so much and a larger dose make me unable to function. so I am seeking input on other meds that others have found effective and techniques. counselling was only skimming the edge of the whole issue

I think most of my issues have arrisen since 92' add or adhd like symptoms, low level mania memory issues, extreme somulance.
I have young kids that get traumatised by these outbursts and fairly inconsistant ones at that maybe once a few months or serveral times in that same few months. generally I can stay calmer than most in a lot situations but just randomly lose my cool for no major reason its generally inexpplicable I know some triggers to avoid like lack of sleep, hunger, stress,etc..

I stopped medical treatment when the doctors were saying that certain question anwser tests were troubling I had just about enough on my plate at the time and did not want to deal with being told about damage to my brain.

Denial, I'm really sorry about your accident. Can you go back to medical treatment now?

yes I am interested in seeing what treatment if any may be done I have to find the right doctors. oh where to begin on that. I have to start listing the things that have resulted. I need to find info on doctors experienced with headtrauma and phsycotherapy in scottsdale/ phoenix. any one know where to start?

about 3 or so years ago I decided my temper was a problem went to counseling and was eventually warmed to the idea of medication. But I just dont have the luxury of time anymore to figure out what why and work on calming. I have gotten way better at controlling my temper but I still feel as if I become this other person when I snap. and I dont like him very much. not literally of course but it feels like a totally different me.

so I am looking for insight as to doctors that have experience with tbi psycologists, neurologists, regular practitioners.

also medication that has few side effects but has helped tbi patients deal with their new found temper, the excessive sleepiness, the difficulty falling to sleep, the memory problems, the constant feeling of being in a mental fog I have done so much soul searching into myself. I have realised that a lot of things aare interconnected as far as when it started showing up. and that time frame is around 1992.

So much was going on that by time I noticed anything years had gone by because I was so determined not to let a little event bring everything crumbling again. Not to say that the accident was a little event, but every thing prior that kept bringing me back to zero. I had time (about 6 months) to think about what I wanted out of life and where I was then was not it. I am in no way bothered by this event anymore. It helped push me very hard. gave me backbone so to say. It changed my life but I grew from the experience. It helped me learn not to give up in struggles. To overcome what is overwhelming and impossible. but also gave me my anger that seems to go hand in hand with the refusing to give in.

but also gave me my anger that seems to go hand in hand with the refusing to give in.

Denial, this is interesting, let me think on this for a bit.

Hi Denial,
You certainly have been brave all these years after your accident! What usually causes your outbursts of anger? Is it something your children do, or something at work or does it just come out of the blue?? I really admire you for wanting to confront this problem and do away with it. Some people would never admit that there is a problem but would blame the reasons for their anger on others. Perhaps if you would keep a diary of the times you feel your anger coming on, it could help figure out exactly what triggers it?

Denial, do you think that you could be angry because you cannot overcome the effects of the accident at this time?

no I generally do not give the accident much thought anymore.
but looking back on events. I can see a start point.
frustration, is a good start for it. but its not any frustration either I can get really frustrated and not snap. but sometimes it can go over nothing and frustration was the only thing to point at.
being manipulated to but with same randomness on whether i blow.
theres not a lot of warning and generally no indication that I will snap over something
and for the kids you know kids can be kids. and I dont like getting upset over that either. yes I do get mad with them but no consistancy there either. I think they are afraid of if daddy gets mad. not good. And again Lexapro helps slow the thoughts and gives me a chance to think longer but
it is still random just less often thankfully a lot less often.
stress is a very strong indicator
fatigue is too
being hungry makes me iritable I eat if I notice im getting iritated
when I was i counselling and going to te emotions annonomys meetings I did keep a diary or journal.
I do know a lot of the triggers even though they are not always going to tell me if an event will get me to lose control and rage.

I see upon reserching head trauma that a lot of my problems are long term problems that are common. but how to treat them is less widely available information.
I have good insurance for doctors but crummy for mental health

Denial, I meant the effects on you from the accident - what you are left with.

As long as you are sure that you can control your anger, then it seems that you can at least feel that you would never physically harm your children when you get these feelings. Have you ever attended a support group? Also, I have never heard of a health insurance company that refused to cover mental illness as well as other illnesses. It seems to fall into the same category. I think that continuing to keep a diary would help you to determine just when you feel the anger and rage; i.e. in the morning, after a stressful day, after eating certain foods or certain drinks, etc. My son once went to a mental health clinic when he was having problems in college, and it really helped him.

sannah, I think I might have to reply two ways to that

-I am sadened that I have irratability issues, foggy memory, etc..
from this accident. or you could say I am frustrated that I have issues and feel that there is something not right in the head. this could be me or the brain.
what am I left with from it?
I know from this event critical thinking requires effort. math is hard now. I have difficulty finding words when speaking. I am not able to think fast on my feet. retention of info is deminished. sleep problems, both faling to and getting up after proper amount of rest.
physically a couple facial scars that are hard to see due to facial hair. but my body really healed with out too much problem I relearned to walk and by a few weeks the only lingering disability was a headache from hell that took over a year to go away

As long as you are sure that you can control your anger, then it seems that you can at least feel that you would never physically harm your children when you get these feelings. Have you ever attended a support group? Also, I have never heard of a health insurance company that refused to cover mental illness as well as other illnesses. It seems to fall into the same category. I think that continuing to keep a diary would help you to determine just when you feel the anger and rage; i.e. in the morning, after a stressful day, after eating certain foods or certain drinks, etc. My son once went to a mental health clinic when he was having problems in college, and it really helped him. no I am not sure I am in control and do fear hurting someone eventually. I look at it as something like when one boundary has been crossed then it is no longer an effective boundary that wont be crossed and each little slip bring s you closer to the next boundary
I have spanked while angry. and though I think that spanking has its place I really think for us at leastit should be reserved for really bad behavior and mostly as something that is in the back of the mind to keep them from doing what is wrong. that said spanking for me while angry is that boundary I crossed and I am very strong I have a physical job and lifestyle. I could hurt them with that much adrenaline and upper body strength. this is bad. and why I dont feel there is the luxury of years of counsel. I think that with the meds I am on now it will be a while till I loose it again. but I need to find out what others are taking that seems to work. I have heard antiseizure meds as a method but cant recall what med or where I read that.

I try to not react to what makes me upset, just to outlast the emotion till it subsides and it helps a good amount. but it is those times every 3-6 months when everything lines up just right. stress, overtired, overstimulated by the day, frustrating things going on and bam heres crazy yelling man
I really try to avoid letting those triggers happen but occasionally I loose focus and dont watch the warnings signs. not to say this is always the trigger smetimes it really is out of left feild.

insurance is really lame for mental illness especially counseling. so many sessions a year and then out of pocket. I got 3 months then the rest of the year was my tab. and I cut back from once a week to twice a month to once a month then just stopped. I was blowing my savings and income at the same rate. I have yet to replace that safety net.
but the rest of coverage is great. very little out of pocket and my company pays for it 20 co and 10 meds 250 dedct thats it. I dont know why they wrote the plan as it is but I know I get more coverage than most people on our plan. every company chooses the plan they provide at a price point maybe this is hao to get everything else in at that price point

-I am sadened that I have irratability issues, foggy memory, etc..from this accident. or you could say I am frustrated that I have issues and feel that there is something not right in the head. I know from this event critical thinking requires effort. math is hard now. I have difficulty finding words when speaking. I am not able to think fast on my feet. retention of info is deminished. sleep problems, both faling to and getting up after proper amount of rest.


Denial, I could see how the above affects could make you frustrated and then angry.


As long as you are sure that you can control your anger, then it seems that you can at least feel that you would never physically harm your children when you get these feelings.

If your children are psychologically fearful of you if can cause just as many problems as if you physically spanked them. Any abused child will tell you that psychological abuse is worse than physical abuse. Maybe make a rule that you won't spank them ever? With my two children I found that spankings didn't work anyway. Staying calm and telling them exactly what they did wrong and then applying consequences everytime if they do not stop is what worked for us. If children are afraid they cannot listen to the lesson that you are trying to teach them. I used to get angry frequently and I have trained myself that this isn't an option and I stay calm 95% of the time (like you said, hunger, tiredness, and being busy make it hard to stay calm).

Denial, I think that exercising your mind everyday would be a very therapeutic activity for you. Your writing has gotten much better through-out this thread! This last post that you wrote was perfectly smooth. The posts before were broken just a bit. I think the practice with writing your thoughts helped your thought processes! I would write, read, and do math every day and maybe some memory exercises.

I agree with Sannah, and I'm sure you do too - that spanking children doesn't really help them learn right from wrong. Besides that, when a parent is angry to begin with and then the child does something he shouldn't be doing, the parent could take his/her anger out on the child, thus hurting the child.
I had a mother whom I loved very much; but, she took her anger at my dad out on my sister and me and would slap us very hard. I remember seeing her angry expression, and now I know that this anger was really at my dad and at her dispair rather than at us. But then, it made me fear her.
You really should seek help at your State Mental Health Agency. Payment arrangements can be made, and sometimes they help people without charging them. As you know, our brains can get sick just as the rest of our body can; I don't know of a drug which could help you, but I'm sure there is one. At any rate you should definitely keep in touch with a therapist just to make sure that the drugs you are taking are still helping you. Perhaps the dosage needs to be changed or you need a different drug. It's like having diabetes or lupus or something else that can be controlled but not cured
You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to keep in touch with doctors and stay up-to-date on new treatments. You would never forgive yourself if, in a moment of anger, you caused harm to someone because your anger got out of control.

you are both right I originally had reserved that sort of punishment for very bad things and by my own criteria I should only have one that has been given but theyve gotten around one or two a year each and not for the bad things

I do need to force that rule you mentioned because I know one child it has zero effect on and the other child does best if I just say something.

my post will always ebb and flow depending on my clarity at the time sometimes I get scattered and it shows.

I am trying to be as illustrative as possible and they are not fearful of me but they get scared when I get mad. they are sweet kids and I want to keep from traumatising them. I dont want give what I got. except I have the tendancy if not unchecked to be worse than my mom was and she was little so spanking did not hurt. I work on my emotions alot and use tools gained in rehab from another injury to calm and relax myself. I have been combing our list of providers and need to make an appt with my gen pract to update the Lexapro. it does calm me considerably but I cant up the dose due to its effect on job performance.
I start taking a big picture stance and become overly patient looking at things as will it matter tommorow really if no then I dont worry. bad for sense of urgency or even just to keep things moving.

I dont like who I am when angry. I dont think anyone else would either. its like I pms once every 6 months or so. but i am not capable of that.

I was horrible while at my last job and quit for sanity the pressure was great I was still recovering from an otj injury that made work performance suffer. that was 5 years ago low stress job now so much that I need patience all the time to try not rush things and go with the flow. very good practice. but have to make sure not too lase fare

Well, it sounds as if you are getting your anger under control, which is a very big step in the right direction! I'm sure that your doctor can adjust your Lexapro to the right dosage and, if necessary, can help you find a good mental health doctor if he feels you need one - realizing that you can't afford to pay a lot. Good luck!! :)

I have thought about the suggestion of writting down in a journal. and I think that is a good way to redirect if they get me over the top I can write it down at that moment all I usually need is the release because ounce Ive went all alac baldwin ( with out the belittlement) I am ok.
I just have more troubles with self control than I used to
and speaking of mr baldwin I heard it the first time and was like damn what an ***. then I heard the second time and was not listening to the words but just the tone and was oh no that is my tone when I go over the edge that is what I sound like! I dont call names and weve taught are kids sayig words like "stupid" are bad words. and in that very way I am a hippocrate because I will say doesnt that seem stupid or that was a dumb thing to do. but I dont call them names their actions though. but if you heard that voice mail of him and take out the name calling its what I sound like and I dont want to be that person. and why I want to get it under control. I worry I am going to wreck my marriage one day and lose everything that I sacrificed so much for.

Denial, sounds like you are on the right path to understanding yourself and what you want and need to do. I agree, us parents need to be vigilant about what comes out of our mouths at all times. It is very easy for us to make mistakes and we need to always be ready to reign ourselves in when we cross the line. What helped me was to think about what behavior is acceptable and what is not with my children. Before you really think about it, I think that many of us cross the line. After we sit down and really think about it and then tell ourselves that certain behaviors just aren't acceptable anymore I think that we can really stick to it most of the time and not cross that line. When we do cross it we can recognize it right away and stop. I always apoligize to my children when I have become disrespectful. My children are better behaved by far now that I have started to respectfully communicate with them.

In your last post you mentioned that you are concerned that your actions could wreck your marriage as well as your relationship with your children.
It's a good sign that you are thinking about all this, and that you are determined to change your behavior. The way you treat your wife is extremely important because your children notice this, and it could affect the way they will treat their spouses some day. Also, you will no doubt see that your wife will treat you with much more love and respect. I believe that you will see a big change for the better in your life in general as your personality changes.
Keep us posted! Good luck to you! :angel:

for the next two days I am going to work on setting appts to follow up on this.
I really like the idea of sitting and writtng what I am upset about that burn off the emotion and I can then organize my thoughts. alot of times I cant find the words to describe something and it only compounds the frustration.

I still dont feel any more in control since its been over 2 weeks since I last got upset. I do however have a better plan. I am going to discuss looking into other meds since a half dose now is my limit before being commatose half the time. and I guess that I have gotten way better since I left that last stressfull job and then started therapy in addition to learning to manage my back pain. I am grumpy when in constant pain. I think I have beaten the back pain now I want to beat this.

Those are excellent plans! Be sure to let us know your progress! :)

ok I have now been to the doctor and have changed meds now on zoloft.
lots of change in mood and thoughts but I am excited. It was posting here that got my head around how to descibe what was going on and the frustration phrase instead of angry was helpful that changed her mind from one new med to zoloft. I feel I got out exactly what my problems are. and was understood. two major acheivements when I am trying talk to any one and describe anything.
I am hopefull and definately see some change after one week (almost a week).this wed full dose from the 1/2 dose.
so far so good.

i joined just so i could tell you about my son's experience with head injury and anger issues... he was much younger than you, but after reading about closed head trauma in mother's against drunk driving literature, i suspected that his head injuries were the cause of his change in behavior, something I could not get any psychiatrist to REALLY believe. I found someone doing bio feedback for head trauma patients and that was the beginning of my son's recovery. my son had lost the ability to read and write, along with the low frustration tolerance...but after a year or so of biofeedback he made a complete recovery. he has not taken any meds, or had any problems with anger, low frustration tolerance... since he finished the bio feedback. Part of his recovery could have been due to the passage of time and his young age definitely helped , but i feel pretty sure that the bio feedback was an important aspect of his recovery. Our insurance paid for the entire treatment regime, which consisted of 2 or 3 (one hour) appointments per week for an entire year. maybe this treatment only works on children, but it is certainly worth looking into! best of luck to you