Hi all, my friend is very confused. She sort of has manic depression I think, not sure which type and she hated her doc so there is a struggle of going there (I am trying to get her to see a new one that WILL listen and understand!)

here is what she said to me today in email:

"I didn’t really know what else to do and thought you’d understand. I feel really low at the moment and have a strange sense of guilt for some reason. I’m finding this very overwhelming and don’t really feel like I’m here (like being in a dream). Not sure what to do but thought it might have been something you’ve experienced.

It’s like I’m floating and that everything is blurry. I think it’s more that I feel angry with myself but I don’t know why. I’m sorry I’m not explaining well – it’s so weird, I can’t even describe it but it’s like I’m two different people.

This is the line that you wrote:"

I dont ever mean any of that but I feel like someone takes over me and makes me be such a horrible person, then I get the guilt thing I give to myself for being a bad person. It sucks. - that was me ...

"That’s it – it’s like I know I’m saying and doing something wrong but I can’t stop.

Thank-you so much for being a wonderful friend. I know my other friends try to help but with you, you have a greater insight. I was once on citalopram (anti-depression tablet) and the doc wants me to go to counseling but it made things worse in the past. "

I believe that her past doc experience had something to do with her feeling the doc did not seem to care much about it and made light of it. I could be wrong, that is the impression I get and I myself had that issue for a while, but as you all know, I am fighting it to get what I need with meds and help and the like.

Please can anyone or a lot of you try to help? I will copy all replies to her, and maybe that will motivate her to come over here and join.

any takers?

thanks so much, everyone


:)

Leomia

Leomia's friend, you would enjoy the message board so much. The people are caring and so helpful. There is always someone that understands what you are experiencing.

yes she would but she is sort of afraid to ask anyone else for help so ~I will see if I get any ideas to tell her and see if she will join!
thanks!

Leomia :)

Hi! i have had the whole jackle/hyde thing for 8 or 9 years. My father, aunt, and grandfather had it, but i was the first to seriously seek help. very few people in my life currently understand what it is like, some even tell me that i am making it up. I just joined this site, and chatting with others who know the symptoms has really helped. Hope you find what you need. 19yearoldBP

You have a very compassionate and caring friend who is trying to reach out for you. I hope you will come to the board and meet the wonderful members who are on here. I have learned so much through their eyes and with their words and experiences. You don't have to fight this alone or feel like no one could possibly understand. Here is a place full of wonderful caring people who have a lot of knowledge of the things you are dealing with. There are therapists that do listen and care very much so don't let one egghead ruin it for you. Fight for what you need. Fight for the life you want and deserve to have. And come be a part of something that is almost a family on this board. Wow! I think of that and the Christmas card list just grew in leaps and bounds....better start now...ok lol sorry a silly moment but laughter is good medicine too.

Hugs to you and I hope you join very soon.

Eme

hey thanks for your responses, I have copied them in an email to my friend and her is what she said:

"Aww ...I'm going to have a go on Sunday - it looks really good and I'm touched by all those responses. "

so she will hopefully get around to remembering to join. anything anyone can say in the meantime is helpful as every day I will tell her what has been said.

:)

thanks guys! this means a lot to me and her!

she is getting worse, this is long but it is her letters to me, maybe someone will have some advice...

This is really difficult for me to write but saying it is much too hard and I don’t know what else to do. I had a complete breakdown at the weekend, and I know I have said this before, this time the is the closest that I have got to actually taking my own life. I locked myself in the bathroom and Tom had to break down the lock to get in. Before this I saw the doctor in Friday because I couldn’t feel like this anymore. I’m going to see the psychiatrist this afternoon but I don’t know how to tell my boss. This is so hard.

I have been feeling particularly low recently because, having being diagnosed as a manic depressive, I get these extremely powerful mood swings that make me go from one extreme to another. It is very much like being like Jekyll and Hyde and it makes me become very obsessed with thoughts and think very badly of myself. It is like I cannot control my thoughts, and have thoughts which I consider very bad because it is not in my character to think like that.

For example, when I with my first boyfriend, Luke, he was very close friends with a girl. In retrospect, I’m sure there was nothing in it but it drove me wild with jealousy as he seemed a little obsessed with her. He was always talking about her and I learnt from him that her Mum had died from cancer a few years before, and I felt very sorry about that. I feel really bad because he seemed to really care about the problems that I was having with my Dad but she always seemed to be a priority. I started to have bad thoughts thinking that did I have to go to the extent to have a dead parent to have attention. Please do not misunderstand me, I’m not an attention-seeker but it was like a bad part of my mind was thinking that. We eventually spit-up because he was becoming too obsessed with other girls including this one.

With Tom something crazy happened in my head when a friend of his died. About a month ago his friend died, and I started to completely lose the plot. Tom told me his friend had died and I called him to offer my support. Afterwards I started thinking about my Grandma who had died last year and it was painful to think of. Then my mind started to go crazy. I started to become obsessed with his friend. I started wondering if he’d ever had feelings for her. The day after he found out, I had planned to cook him a nice meal to support him but I went mental. He hadn’t been communicating all day (which is quite understandable as he was grieving) but I took that as a sign that he had rejected me and I felt worthless and found it so hard to understand that he was grieving for a girl. I don’t know why but it must be because of my insecurities which he hasn’t caused, but which lie within me. I started texting him saying that I felt he had rejected me, and I was terrible as I ignored his calls, and saying horrible things which he didn’t deserve. I told him where I was, and he came to find me but by that time I had moved to another place to avoid him. When he eventually caught up with me, I couldn’t hug him, and when he touched me I pushed him away and I think I may have looked very angry with him, but it wasn’t his fault at all. Since then I have become more obsessed with her.

This is the worst part of all. I told Tom that the reason I had been feeling so guilty and hated myself, because a part of me had felt relieved that he wouldn’t be able to leave me for her or see her which might cause his feelings for her to grow. This is completely irrational as the poor girl has died, and I have been so selfish in having these feelings. Also, there was no indication that he had ever felt anything but friendship for her. I just found it hard as he was crying and I wondered if he’d ever cry for me in that way.

This is what made me decide to take my own life as I don’t feel worthy of anything or anyone in my life. I don’t feel I deserve such a caring Mum, such a wonderful boyfriend and such loving friends.

I feel bad, as it was like I was angry with his poor friend for dying and causing all of these feelings and it wasn’t her fault at all – I feel terrible. I started to become even more irrational, and needed to know what she looked like because I wondered if when Tom would see me, would he think of her – it makes no sense I know. I hate this Mr. Hyde – he is ruining my life.

they're going to let me know but they said to stick with the current tablets. I feel very strange today - it was a very sad day yesterday and I feel really drained so it's quite weird.

I’m sorry to do this again, it’s just I’ve been dwelling over this all day and it’s made me feel very ill with worry. I feel truly sick at having said to Tom that I had thought that I was relieved that he wouldn’t be able to see her again – it’s a bad part of me that thought that and I can’t get it out of my head. Why would I have felt glad by her death – only a sick person would. As soon as I thought it I knew it was wrong. I remember that when I was trying to explain to Mum how I felt I asked how could I be jealous of a corpse, I feel so sick at having used the word corpse – I didn’t mean it in a bad way, it sounds so horrific. I feel terrible at having been angry and upset with Tom’s poor friend for dying, and just seem unable to let it go. I think tomorrow I have to start again as a new day. I just really needed to tell you this to try to find some peace.

I feel very sick and just wish I were dead – I can never forgive myself.



ok this is getting serious anyone know what I should do?

Hi again,

Well, if she were in the U.S., I would say she should contact her pdoc ASAP because she needs her meds adjusted. Stress can bring on a more acute episode, and loss is one of the BIG triggers. I would say that she shouldn't be left alone, that someone needs to watch over her until she can get in to see her caregiver. I can't imagine why she was told to keep doing what she's doing when she calls to report that she was having suicidal thougts -- I think she or someone should call back and report it again. If this isn't working, she may need to go to the psych. hospital to receive immediate treatment. I would definitely not ignore it, or tell her these feelings will soon go away. They might, but then again, they might not. Who wants to take that risk?

I have been trying to help her through this for a few weeks. It was her boyfriend friend who died who she never met. and she feels she was jealous he had a female friend because of her first BF. So her new guy, Tom, is seeming to be nice and spent his bday with her at the psych office so he must be a decent and understanding guy. I don't know what the office she goes to is called otherwise I would call them.
she has been talking of suicide a lot and I don't know what to do because if I did call whoever are the right people she would deny and say she is ok I think. NO one wants to get carted off to the hospital!
I know she is at work, she works with my hubby so I can tell him what you just said and maybe he knows what to do. If it were the states I would know better what to do, but haven't figured out UK myself yet!
They didnt really give her a diagnosis, and she met with a nurse, hardly a psychiatrist who can really help. And I am not sure what meds she is on. something for depression? but not really sure. Maybe that is she is not stable on them and or they are not right for her or the right dose. NO one is taking her seriously enough apparently.

You know, sometimes antidepressants can have the opposite effect. In some instances they can actually make the depression worse. There are a couple really excellent websites you could read that would help you know what to do. I'll look and see if I can find the one I found a couple weeks ago when I was concerned about someone on the board....and I'll get back to you.

Also just because someone has sought medical care, if it's not with the right person, it can do more harm than good, or just not do any good. The doc of the person I'm referring to just kind of patted her on the head and told her things would be ok. GRRRRRR. At least if she's going to work she is functioning.

well barely... she is going so she wont get fired. I told Dan, so he is gonna go find her I said to watch her like you said!
He is good with words so maybe he can try to talk to a boss or something I am not sure...
I have had issues when on an anti depressant I got worse as well... she has had BP for a while as she has told me... she is not used to it being BP but manic depressive is the same thing she just wasnt as informed....

I think if you use a search engine and type in something like suicide -- read this first, or suicide prevention you will find some good sites that will give you some suggestions as to how to help your friend.

My son prefers the title "manic depression" over bipolar disorder. He thinks it is much more descriptive. I'm not sure when the psychiatric community decided to call it that. Maybe in England more practioners are familiar with it if you call it manic depression.

ok I will make sure I look for the ones in UK! thanks! I did tell her to come on board and she read through some stuff and thought everyone was nice and helpful and was going to join over the weekend then all hell broke loose apparently...
think is I am not sure if she means it or not, she says this a lot but doesn't go cutting herself or od'ing on any meds. doesn't mean she never will though... its pretty serious what she is talking about!

i think in UK they do call it manic depression instead of BP or more often then I should say. When I said I had BP they looked at me like I looked like this : :jester: and when I said MD they were like oh ok and seemed to get it more.
maybe that is why its so hard to get them to understand me because my USA records say I have BP disorder and say patient with BP did this or that today being treated with this and that etc... maybe they dont read either. OR haven't unless I make them read my records why else did I have them sent?

About my friend, Dan (hubby) said she is being watched ... she was making tea in the kitchen so I asked him if we can call a suicide line for her. :eek:

Seriously, Leomia, when you go in for your appointment, maybe you should just say you have been diagnosed with manic depression. Maybe that's been part of the problem all along!!

ok well they now have my records and the lady said she needs to get to know me before she can diagnose/prescribe. this next one on the 17th is a full on mental evaluation it better be covering everything! :)
thanks for your advice.

i think in UK they do call it manic depression instead of BP or more often then I should say. When I said I had BP they looked at me like I looked like this : :jester: and when I said MD they were like oh ok and seemed to get it more.
maybe that is why its so hard to get them to understand me because my USA records say I have BP disorder and say patient with BP did this or that today being treated with this and that etc... maybe they dont read either. OR haven't unless I make them read my records why else did I have them sent?

About my friend, Dan (hubby) said she is being watched ... she was making tea in the kitchen so I asked him if we can call a suicide line for her. :eek:

Leomia ...Just a comment on "the lable"...BP or Manic Depression...US term vs UK term...The same thing. So I would let your UK pdoc know 'YOU' know these terms....and get on with some meds and treatment:)

A comment about your depressed friend. Look at her 'actions' and if she has a hard time getting out of bed and sleeping all the time. Not taking care of her self..bathing etc. not changing out of bath robe all day...then she would not like herself as a person...and would be more likly to take her own life. Sometimes,a depressed person will feel somewhat better in the evening and say that they are OK with everything. But watch out for the morning again.
Have her husband take ALL of her meds from her ..and he be responsible in giving them to her as directed...

I know all this from my own experience....But I found my meds and then ODed
God and Mrs Eyes saved my life....I truly hope this does not happen to your friend.

Will talk later about your next pdoc visit on the 17th.

Oh ..and tsohl has give you a lot of great advice.

Carry On,

Eyes, my friend said this big tirade of letter initiating suicide, I wrote back and said if you say that again I am calling the hospital for you! so then she was all chipper and said oh so what we doing Friday? SO I have a feeling I need a lot of help on these boards (support being lifted up or whatever you call it as because trying to keep her together I feel like for me things are getting dragged down)
SO she has no hubby and she works with my husband though so I am not sure who can be in charge of this as I dont know her family.
Otherwise that would be a great idea. Do all BPs need to give their spouse the meds to make sure they take?
And as far as what I know about BP my husband said, why are you always researching stuff and making me print at work? (because he thinks I am doing their job for them) the last time I didn't take matters into my own hands they said I was just depressed and needed coping skills (which I never got the psychotherapy for might I add even though I would like it!) and they stuck me on Prozac which if you have read some of my other posts you know why the Klonapin made me feel "drunk and dizzy" and I had to go from 2 mg to .5 and 500 instead of 1500 depakote.... as that another thing made me dizzy.
So I figured out a few things and they can diagnose what they want but I stand by my American pdoc because they helped me a lot better there.
I know you can keep fighting for referrals and second opinions.
I just don't want it dragged out as its affecting my life. The last post on the "thought I can control this" I made sort of addressed that. In fact for other people I should maybe copy it to here since this is my thread...:angel: