hi,

i was drunk at an friends bachelor's party at strip club and did the following ,for which am very worried.

1. Took the stripper in the private room , inserted my penis in her vagina with a condom , while the on my lap. it lasted for about 4 minutes.The condom was intact,i did not *** nor did i see any fluids from the stripper.and i went to the bath room immediately and filled water in the condom and checked for leaks , and there were no leaks.

2. before this , i has inserted my finger in the vagina ,i bit my nails in the morning and and had slight seperation between the finger and nails.There was no bleeding at all. I felt it was tender thats all.

I have called national hotline and they said nothing to worry ,and i do not even need to test. I have never done any of this before and am feeling very guilty as i am married. If not for alcohol , this would not have happenned. i know many on the forum might scold , and am already filled with lot of guilt and not able to see my face in the mirror. I trying very hard not to break down before my wife, and neither do i want to tell her as she is gonna have to live with it rest of her life as i did such a think.


Please advise, can i move on with my life . Please help me....
Mike
Dalls,TX

what you have discribed is considered a no risk encounter,you couldn't of contracted it in that manner. the guilt i can't help you with,your gonna have to deal with it in your own way
good luck

If you're really worried about it then get tested. About your wife... You should tell her. Wouldn't you want her to be honest with you? I don't want to scold you, but you know right from wrong, and what to do. Maybe you guys could work together on it and get past it. You have to put yourself in her position. I wish you the best of luck. Take it as a lesson learned and next time make better decisions! Everyone makes mistakes, so just tell her.

Good luck friend! :)

i know many on the forum might scold , and am already filled with lot of guilt and not able to see my face in the mirror.

I will not scold you nor will I comment on the morality of what you have done, unfortunately this is for you to deal with. I will say that we all make mistakes mate, I did, I make no secret of the fact. Booze is the excuse , but ultimately in the cold sober light of the morning after one as to face reality.

You simply made a mistake, mate, like I , you screwed up. Do I think you have put yourself at risk through doing so ? From what you describe, no, I believe you are in absolutely no danger whatsoever of being HIV positive. There is only one way to prove this though and that is through a blood test. If you are concerned then, this is the only way forward and the only absolutely certain way of finding out your HIV status. I feel you are slightly over reacting though and guilt is playing a large part on what you are now experiencing.

I went though it myself, I got drunk, did what you did and then sobered up ( I was in West Africa at the time). I am not promiscuous by any stretch, married for 18 years, never before strayed and never since but I felt awful. I could not face the fact I had let myself down and ultimately the faith my wife placed in me. I told her, I broke down and told her. This in turn was the best way forward for me, we together worked our way through it and now our marriage is stronger. Is it the way forward for you? This, unfortunately is for you to decide.

Anyway take care, look after yourself and from what you say it is highly unlikely you have been infected with HIV

Take care Kevin

thanks a lot for all your support. i am working on my mind and to move forward. as i think more ,i keep getting more doughts ,like i bought the condom in a liquor store which was selling condoms by singles. i bought three of them , for a dollar each. makes me question the condom expiry and stuff like that , but since i tested it with filling water i feel it was fine. as time goes by am sitting all night with guilt and working hard to come to terms to accept my mistake and finding courage to face my wife.

i thank you all for all your suport , i cant explain in words how your words are comforting.

sorry for asking you the same question twice, if what i described earlier is exactly what i did then , do you think i can put this behind and move forward?

amber,i would want to tell my wife, but after some time passes as she would have to live with it for rest of her life that i did some thing like this. its a baggage on her trust and marriage. she is wonderful person and i cannot see tears in her eyes.

smiteler and kev ,thanks for your reply. so you think i can move forward?
kev ,your situation is similiar like mine , i understanbd what you might have gone through.

I totally understand where you are coming from. It's not easy facing the person you love knowing the truth will hurt them. I honestly think you will feel much better telling her and getting it off your chest. If she really loves you and cares about you, chances are she will work with you to build your relationship back up. But there's also a good chance she will leave. I think you should put yourself in her position.

Amber, i agree with you, and am definitely going to tell her , but not now.
once am confident , i have nothing to worry from the the exposure perpective ,i don't want her also to sit and worry . it would be much better to tell and deal only with emotional part of it.
do you think i dont have anything to worry about hiv and std and i can move forward with my life and work on my relaionship ?
thanks for your support again.

as i said before if the encounter was as you discribe, you have nothing to worry about with hiv. to start you don't even know if that person was infected to begin with and hiv dosen't get transfered in that way. if you still have any doubts the only way your gonna put them to rest is to go get tested.as before i won't judge or tell you about the relationship aspect as i have very stong feelings about honesty and trust because of my past so it wouldn't be fair for me to do so. good luck

I agree with Smiteler. Just take the test to be 100% sure. I highly doubt you have contracted anything. Yes, I do think you can move on with your life and your relationship. It just takes time. When you do tell her you can't expect her to trust you over night. You need to prove to her that you are going to be a loyal and trustworthy husband. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and leave it in the past. No one is perfect. Trust me.. It will heal over time.

thanks a lot . i have spoken to about 5 national hotlines of differrent state's and they all said the same , not worry and move on and one advised me to take counselling. my wife was worried last night just by looking at my face , and asked me if everything was alright. i said ,i have a huge project going on at work, and got very involved with it.
am going to take your word and try to move forward with my life. Am going to work on quitting alcohol as well which is prime cause of my loosing control. i know all of you must be busy and yet spending time on me. thank you very much for helping me come over this fear. and i will never ever repeat such a mistake and work towards reforming my mind not to deviate towards bad ways.thanks again.

Worriednguilty.

Hi again,

You have been give great advice on your worries about having been infected with HIV, I can only echo it, and as such I feel it does not need repeating. Please listen to this advice, it is correct. Your HIV status can only be determined by one method, a blood test, I urge you if you have any doubts about it then go for one. Again, although it doesn’t need repeating, from what you have said it is extremely unlikely, bordering on impossible for you to have contracted HIV though the encounter you describe.

I know what you are going through, mate, seriously I have been there. I, like you believed I had jeopardized the two most important things in my life, my marriage and my health. All this through a stupid drunken mistake. Everybody makes mistakes, everybody screws up, I doubt there is one person on this planet that has not said at sometime ¨I wish I hadn’t done that, I really wish I could turn back the clock and not have been so stupid¨. Unfortunately we cannot do this; all we can do is try to make the mistakes we make, better. I personally would not advise you either way how to deal with this within your marriage, but I will offer you some advice as one married man to another. Whether you take this advice is your call.

Trust is everything, my friend. If you start lying to your partner, then the trust as gone, you simply start living a lie, whereby one lie follows another to cover the first lie. I personally could not live like that, I could not do it, I am by nature an honest person, and I have never lied to my partner. So I could not lie about this stupid, stupid mistake I made. If you are like me and you really wish to move on from this then confronting the truth and admitting your mistakes is the first step in a long painful process.

This is my advice, mate, whether you heed it or ignore it, really is down to yourself. It really is your call. Moving forward means taking steps, sometimes painful ones, one at a time.

I wish you the best and take care, Kevin.

Your welcome! That's what we're here for! :)

telling your wife is the wrong move......it's just to take the guilt off you and put some baggage on her......now its her problem.

keep it to yourself.....you did it, now you live with it.

if you tell her, she will never look at you the same again, your relationship with be ruined. she won't be able to respect you.

learn from this......don't do it again

I agree , about being honest to each other and i wont be able to live a life of lie with her but telling her now will devastate her ,as she has to live with that weight with rest of her life and always questioning herself ,what is worng with me that my husband had to go out for sex . and she will have to live with these questions for rest of the life ,which is wrong as of now .I cant see her feeling low of herself by any means , that would hurt me even more.but if i tell her down the line after some time passes and assure her that it was an mistake in a drunken state ,she would take it much better way and also she believes time has elapsed and be confident thats such a thing would never repeat.More over ,if i put this burden on her as well, as a team we both will be down . I will definitely tell her but let time take its course . Its so mean of any man to involve in such mistakes as he is not only risking his but all his family for a few minutes of pleasure. ihave learnt my lesson and will never ever do it again. When i keep thinking about what i did , facing her was the hardest thing to do . For a second i did think ,may be i should walk out but the heat of the moment consumed my little judgement. I hope more people understand this before commiting any such act. let me know if you feel i should do it otherwise.
Thanks again for all the support .... God bless you.

dude - please for the sake of your marriage, do not tell her.
if you insist on telling her, plan on being miserable the rest of your life, or plan on a divorce. You shouldn't have done it, but you did, now don't make it someone elses problem (your innocent wife)
if you tell her, you will certainly regret it and really.....kiss everything you ever had with her goodbye.

Like I said once before.. Put yourself in her shoes. If she had sex with another man wouldn't you want to know?

the only reason to tell is to take it off your concious and put it on hers....

does she really deserve that?

you need to take this to your grave or kiss your marriage goodbye......

it's up to you.

I agree with you Rose that it will hurt her, but aren't you supposed to be honest when you are married or in a relationship? Maybe I am wrong, but I would rather someone tell me the truth then lie to my face.

I agree with you Rose that it will hurt her, but aren't you supposed to be honest when you are married or in a relationship? Maybe I am wrong, but I would rather someone tell me the truth then lie to my face.


I always said I wasn't one to believe "what you don't know can't hurt you", and if it was me I say that yes I would want the truth, but I don't know that someone else wants the truth that bad, or deserves to be hurt like that.

If we're talking about what we're suppossed to do....well that got thrown out the window, obviously, didn't it, or this question wouldn't be asked, right?

Yep, you're right. But now that the deed has been done don't you think he should at least try to do the right thing now? Marriage should be built on trust and honesty, not lies and back stabbing. I'm not saying everyone is perfect because I make mistakes all the time. But I do think he should do what's right now. Whatever you decide to do I wish you the best of luck. :)

rosequartz is bitter, but she is just right...had my SO told me how this happened I'd be just so very hurt...and it would be extremely hard to trust him ever again. Imagine every single time he'd be out and enjoying time with his friends I'd be thinking if he'll be strong enough again.. even if you wait for time to pass by, oh gosh, every normal person /(including OP's wife) will be going through your history and wonder if there were more than one incident.


not to mention the emotional baggage on the relationship...
Amber, in an ideal world you'd run to your SO and confess and move on. But in an ideal world none of you would make such a mistake either.

The price that OP's wife is going to be is too high..she doesn't derserve that. It's a question of responsibility for her happiness too. Just erase it, and don't do it again.

yes it should be built on trust......
now it's going to need to be re-built on a rocky foundation and I don't know if it can survive that, I don't know that it should HAVE to

I stand by my original advice.....don't tell.....take it to your grave or ruin the rest of your life

once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's impossible to get it back in

I wish the best of luck to you.

til death do us part - trust and honesty always if your wife loves you you both should work this out - if not you will take it to your grave and both of you will see on judgement day!!! i know from experience (I WOULD TELL HER) especially if you love her!

Well in the end I wish you the best of luck in your decision. :)

If not for alcohol ...

No, if not for YOUR OWN PERSONAL CHOICES. You made a choice to go to the strip club, you made a choice to drink, you made a choice to drink until you were drunk, and then made all sorts of sloppy (understatement) decisions from there.

Don't blame the booze. That's like blaming guns because people are shot to death.

Glad to see you are trying to get yourself out of this mess. Be brutally honest with your wife. Get it over with. If you don't do it now, you'll certainly have to do it later. So just be done. So you can get this healing process underway.

Ouch.

am bit confused now. i have decided to not take any decision now. Thanks for all your support. Am trying to cope with the mistake and with all your support am trying to move forward. Thanks a lot. Am i right in assuming that it is fine to move forward .Still a bit scared. Shall i put the fear to the bay and move forward ?

am bit confused now. i have decided to not take any decision now. Thanks for all your support. Am trying to cope with the mistake and with all your support am trying to move forward. Thanks a lot. Am i right in assuming that it is fine to move forward .Still a bit scared. Shall i put the fear to the bay and move forward ?


YES move forward, file this in the part of your brain that you won't forget it and you won't repeat it, and don't ever mention it to anybody again.
your wife doesn't deserve to be crushed by your stupid mistake.
learn from it!

I have to ditto rosequartz.

Move forward with all the lesson learned, control yourself and treasure your wife.

I'd rather not know that my SO had cheated on me like that. Had it been cheating in full conscience, irrelevant of the level of alchool involved, I'd still feel miserable: my self esteem would have been gone for a while but most importantly my trust on him woud be gone forever.


we all are different on what we call "right" /"wrong" . Personally, I;d rather not know this incident.

The best advice I could give you is to go with your heart. No matter who you ask whether it's us on Health Boards or your own friends and family you are going to get a different answer. Best wishes!

Not telling her is treating her like a child. How would you feel if someone else was making decisions about reality FOR YOU? You're her husband, not her daddy. Let her be an adult and decide what she wants to do with the information. YES, this does effect her, and YES SHE DOES HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW! If you wanted to lead a secretive life, you shouldn't be married to her. And if you want to live a life she does not approve of, then PLEASE, allow her to pursue what she deserves. You know she deserves better than this, and I commend you for your perceptiveness, which is why you feel guilty, that or you really just fear the STD.

Just curious, but if you care about her as much as you say, how could you allow something like this to happen? What steps will you take to keep it from happening AGAIN?

She's a grown woman. Treat her like one. Don't make another mistake by hiding the truth from her, and by making decisions for her. This will not fare well for you unless you get it all out now. I'm telling you, the guilt will eat you up and for the rest of your life you will have something to hide.

If you're relationship is so great, is so worth saving, then rest assured that in due time you two will work out. Won't it be so great to not have to feel guilty? And if you two work through this, then you can get through anything! You're relationship will be so much stronger!

Keep it simple, dude. Tell her the truth, be a man and stand up and accept the consequences of your actions. Once you married her, you became accountable TO HER for what you do. I know you're sorry, but sorry is only half of it. Now it's time to make it right. Feelings without action is useless. Not telling her is like saying "well i think about how much i love her but I don't tell her so she should know."

On a side note, wow...do you realize that you did not go to see a stripper but a prostitute rather? Or does sex with strangers fall under the job description of "stripper?"

If you don't tell her NOW, it's only going to get worse. Because I guarantee you, it will come out. And the longer you wait, the less chance you have at regaining her trust. Because when she finds out you did this, and then on top of it HID it from her, she will wonder what else you're hiding, why you didn't tell her, and if you ever would have told her.

Has she asked you if anything happened at the strip club? Cause if she has, and you said, "No." Then you've also lied. Stop this downward cycle of torture.

From a cheater (me) to a cheater (you), I highly reccomend getting it out immediately. ALlow her to throw her fit, respond as she will, but you do the right thing and tell her---EVERYTHING. The sooner you do, then sooner you BOTH can move on:). It'll take time, but a year from now, this could be a distant memory:)...or it could be a deep dark secret still taking hold on your life.

And lastly, you've got to confess because you broke the bonds of marriage. Infidelity is a deal breaker for most folks. Dishonesty even moreso.

Sorry if this came across as harsh, but i was aiming to be straight forward. I didnt do what you have done, but i have done some horrible things to people i care about. By the way, if it is any encouragement, the guy I cheated on repeatedly is still apart of my life. we are still together. it can be done. just get ready to work!

I mean, cmon, think about how furious people get when they find out the government has been hiding something...sheesh

this is yet another example of why strip clubs are not good. call me jaded, but i'm not the one that did this. quit making yourself an example and i'll stop being jaded.

if there's no evidence, an argument will fail.

this is yet another example of why strip clubs are not good. call me jaded, but i'm not the one that did this. quit making yourself an example and i'll stop being jaded.

if there's no evidence, an argument will fail.

i agree 110% on you opinion about telling the partner and being honest.
i don't blame the strip club at all,its the respect towards the partner is at fault,the rest is just excuses.

dude - please for the sake of your marriage, do not tell her.
if you insist on telling her, plan on being miserable the rest of your life, or plan on a divorce. You shouldn't have done it, but you did, now don't make it someone elses problem (your innocent wife)
if you tell her, you will certainly regret it and really.....kiss everything you ever had with her goodbye.

Ok this has been discussed quite extensively as such since it now well off topic I would like to address this specifically.

Yes I told my wife, yes my marriage suffered, but yes it survived.

Did I do it to offload my guilt? In a way you could argue yes I did, because I felt very guilty about what I had done. Was this the only reason I told her? No it was not.

I work offshore; my work literally takes me all over the world. I know lots of guys that have affairs, many of them never give it a second thought, and many of them simply carry on regardless, finish their trips and go home to their partners. They keep their secrets to themselves. This is fine for these guys, this is their choice. To simply turn a blind eye to it and adopt the out of sight out of mind approach.

Me? I have never had an extended affair; I got drunk and made a fool of myself one night. Does the booze excuse this? No of course it does not, there is no excuse. I cheated on my wife, it is inexcusable. Here in lies the difference between people. Some can simply carry on and pretend that everything is ok, normal and play the perfect partner, some cannot. I fall into the later category. I do not wish to play the role of the perfect partner, I know I have my faults and as such I admit when I make a mistake, I man up and come clean. Does this admittance of my imperfections absolve me of any guilt? No it does not, I still feel it, I still wish I could turn back the clock and stop it from all happening, but I cannot. All I can do is admit I made a mistake, I was wrong and ask for forgiveness.

I said originally it is down to the individual, as to how they cope with this, it is entirely a personnel choice.

Many people can keep their secrets and live with them, many cannot. I am one of those that cannot, I prefer to come clean. I prefer to have no skeletons in the cupboard that years later will come out and bite me in the backside.

Am I right or am I wrong? This is down to each and every individual to decide for himself or herself. This is the freedom that each individual can exercise and simply saying keep it to yourself and keep quiet may work for some but for others it may actually make it worse. Rather than facing it and putting some closure on it, it simply festers, for years and years, the dark hidden secret that you pray nobody will give away.

Anyway, this is my final post on this matter, it really is down to the OPer to make up his own mind and deal with this in whatever way he sees fit. It is entirely his own choice and as such I hope whichever decision is taken is the one that he feels most comfortable with.

Take care Kevin