why is it all of us BPs have such a hard time? well for me, I know I am not yet stable on any med but I am here and can admit what my problem is.

However when it comes to my hubby he just assumes there is always some kind of drawn out BS of a problem and we got in a huge fight over the fact that there was no problem. This is really messing me up because the fights we get into are pretty serious and I dont want to end up in divorce court or homeless or anything like that. Just when he accuses me of things I get so mad.. RAGE!

:blob_fire

I try very hard to be nice but I am only human. why is it that I feel like strangling him so often? How can I control this becaue I know that I do love him, he just tests my patience? Is it me? Because I am BP? or is there something more between us that I havent figured out?

any takers? thanks!

:)

Leomia

Leomia I am not in your shoes as I am not bipolar but my problems were much the same as your in reverse. When I said things to my husband he often took them as personal assaults and they never were. He seemed to read things I said in the wrong way. He was not no meds and I often thought if he were then he could see clearly what I was saying and understand I was never against him in anyway. I love my husband more than you know but here I am taking out divorce papers because he won't get help and blames me for everything. You are trying so hard and I admire that very much. He will have to have more understanding of bp maybe before he will see what is going on. I hope so muich for both of us your family and mine. Leomia, I could not go to work today I am feeling so unsettled and hurting for my marriage.

Marsh I am so sorry how sad you are feeling. I feel so sad for all of you who are hurting.
I will try to address how we (BPs) might feel toward you normal people (whats it like to be normal, how I wish to be!!

it would solve all the world's problems. oK some anyways. Why do some of us get born with such defects? (rhetorical question, God himself knows!)

"When I said things to my husband he often took them as personal assaults and they never were." I would say I think that sometimes of my hubby, then again I am on here, admitting my issues and needing more meds, so that is where we must differ your hubby and me. If he wont admit it then there is nothing else to do. I appreciate how hard this must be for you. Did I tell you I almost got divorced but realized I love him too much I wont let mistakes in the past ruin it, so I prayed my head off that first and second year and here we are now, not at all perfect, but at least able to say sorry (ok sometimes!)

"I love my husband more than you know but here I am taking out divorce papers because he won't get help and blames me for everything."
I understand why you are doing what you feel you need to - only so much that you can allow yourself to be hurt by. And from another thread the spitting on you? Wow you do have it terrible, I am so sorry. I once punched him in the nose but he was after recovered, more glad to know I can handle my own. and he had about 25 beers on our first christmas and was being so mean to me. so I jsut did what my brain said to do. Not excusing it. I feel bad about it but its in the past...

"You are trying so hard and I admire that very much. He will have to have more understanding of bp maybe before he will see what is going on."

again marshmallow, you are right. I wish your hubby would get some help, and I wish Dan would come and see what is happening on these. I wish he would understand me more then maybe he would not have to pull it out of me (I would love to communicate if only I knew what was wrong the minute it becomes wrong, ya know? I take a while to process the reasons why. and that pisses him off I think)

I get to the point where I blame myself. Maybe in the midst of all this stuff that I dont understand, if I was normal I would? I am not sure.

I jsut wrote this to a friend, easier to copy than type it up again:

Last night, dan said is not because he was merry (aka in my book a bit closer to drunk - but I think it was, most all fights start from there. But he assumed there was a problem, I kept saying there wasn't (not to mention the fact he would rather do anything then act like a hubby if you get my drift unless he feels some obligation which makes me think ok am I a fat ugly freak or what?

so one thing led to another I finally got so sick of his BS I threw my ring at him (evil I know, I cant help it sometimes) and later we both ended up crying trying to decide if we are right together and he siad "he is such a sucker he will put up with all my **** just dont throw the ring that hurts too much" I said "no you are not a loser, I dont love losers." I guess we need marriage counseling and I know I do my share of badness - reason why I end up hating myself and thinking why the hell does he waste his time loving me he can find anyone else who is nicer to him with out BP!

arrrggghh rage! life really is hard sometimes.

so that is basically how I feel - I am on some meds but they dont work. very low doses as what I was on if you recall was making me feel dizzy and drunk, not sure if you saw that post. so at least now I can walk but I am feeling so insane and uncontrolable rage happening inside for various reasons.

...Including I cant work because I keep trying, and not getting the job so now I am gonna try to freelance see if that works I hope so we are so broke we are at a ramen noodle/pasta or very cheap food (why does being healthy cost so much?) stage for 2 years, and that is not helping weight either!which makes me feel worse about myself
... and the money is tight bill collectors always yeling at us.. etc. and I just want to move back home (USA (Massachuestts or nearby at least)
...but he needs a visa so how long will that take and I havent been back since I got here. so sometimes I curse the fact that I met him on a study abroad and he is british and I am american (because of immigration and country hopping 3 times well thats not cheap! just has been so hard. But I love him.

Good luck to you Marsh! keep your chin up!
I will keep you in thoughts and prayers!

:)

Leomia

Leomia, I wrote you on the other thread. Thanks.

No problem! Any time I hope I can be of help! :wave:

Hi Leoma,
Im sorry you are having a rough time of things at the moment. It is hard to be in another country, and I find that I am stressed the most at times when I am low on $$ - it adds to everything else.
Perhaps if you could get hold of some books from the library that your husband could read, it might help. He might understand some of the dynamics of your relationship a bit more, and it may help you both to avoid angry arguements. It certainly helps understanding what is going on (from a partners perspective) and then there are two people that watch over the relationship.
You want to stay in this relationship, so just keep being brave, and being honest. You will get there.

thanks suddenly here.

I did try many times in the past to get him to read a book or even something online but he would rather do whatever he is interested in, and I say to that, well if you love me then thats sort of a hobby too, a lifelong one :p , it would do you well to understand me better but he says he has no time. I told him to even come on the boards but that wont help really the same as actually reading a book. (I haven't found any at the library anyways because I did think that a while back) :wave:
as for the financial situation, we have been married 3.5 yrs and nothing has changed,.... so far. But first we were in USA and he couldn't get a job :confused: so I was working, then we came over here and I have had a few jobs but all temporary or for a few months/weeks depending on the assignment. so we will see what happens. :blob_fire I think this time around when we go back to the states, a. he knows where he wants to take his career and what to learn.:) b. he has skills for a secondary career that he doesn't like but can do and ;) c. we have both grown up a lot! :angel: so hopefully once we get there,.. but in the meantime we are here for at least 6 mos! :dizzy:

Leomia

Hi, Leoma:wave: I just wanted to give you a geat BIG welcome...I am sorry it took so long, I have seen so many of your wonderful posts and just wanted to hop on board with a friendly hello.:D

I LOVE your openess and the ability to reach into yourself....that is going to be your success into getting better.

I have a daughter with BP who is trying so hard to do the same. I see how she struggles to control her anger and frustrations while trying to find the right meds and work through it with her therapist realizing that the meds are just not enough. It will involve change on her part as well as yours of coming to the realization that your disorder allows you to perceive things so much differently than others and the reaction to that could end up hurting the ones you love and have you feeling remorseful and ashamed. This means that you must learn to find a way to extinguish the spark that will lead to a fire or explosion that will be harmful to yourself or others.

I have a feeling that my daughter's solution is to spend lots of time in her room and that is something I hope will change in time with adjustments in meds and changes that she learns to make with the help of therapy.

I have a feeling that this will be the case with you too. I commend you in wanting to get the help that you are getting. How long have you been on meds and which meds are you on??? I know that Seroquel works well with anger, frustration as well as impulsive behaviors like overspending and the such. My daughter still gets upset but nothing to the degree that she had before she was diagnosed and medicated. She also self harmed (cut) and shoplifted and says that the meds have taken away those constant urges she use to have.

Anyway....I just wanted to tell you to hang in there...it will take time to find the right combo of meds but also remember that it will take more than just meds to change that which your brain compells you to do or say.

I hope this helps and I look forward to seeing more of you around this board.

Love ~ Goody:angel: :wave:

thanks Goody, that is so sweet of you! :angel:
for meds, I have never had enough to pay for whatever would have been best, at first (6 yrs ago now) I was on Klonapin (up to 2 mg, now I am on .5 because I need to get off of it!) and started with Lithium which didn't help, up to about 1500 mg, changed a few yrs ago to Depakote started on 1500 now am on 500 as that is not good for me either, it makes me crave food and gain weight and I have no self control sadly! :eek:
I have heard seroquel makes you gain weight, maybe they all do, have heard good things about Tegetrol and Lamictal. I dont know what the UK docs will give me, she asked If I would go back on Lithium to which I said "hell no!" :rolleyes:
so its a case of wait and see, another 2 weeks for the appt.
I am not taking her advice she wanted me to take 1000 mg Depakote but I already hate it which is why another doc had me go back down to such low doses to make the change easier. right now its hard because I feel like so much of the time I have a lot of rage for no explained reason at all. very frustrating. :mad:
we will get there in the end... :blob_fire ;)
How is your daughter doing? I remember talking about this with you a few mos ago maybe not even that long... :)

:wave: Leomia

Leomia ~ The Seroquel is the least likely of the atypical antipsychotics to put on weight. My daughter has hardly gained any weight at all and we are increasing her Seroquel at this time with no apparent weight gain. She does have cravings but is able to control them so you may wish to give it a try. It also helps with sleep. She is also on Lamictal which has no side effects....the combo works great for her because there are really no real side effects to be spoken of.

Thanks for asking about my daughter. Erin had some breakthrough hypomania last month which lead to more impulsive behavior coupled with the normal teenage poor judgemental way of life it made for a difficult time. She was suspended from school twice this year within days of returning to school. But we just received her report card and she got honor roll for being in most honors classes. She is still having a difficult time with the agitation and frustration but it is 90% better than last year when she was unmendicated so we can't complain. We are titrating up on her Seroquel to see if that helps and it seems to be doing well for her. We see her pdoc again on Tuesday.

I would advise you to be completely honest with your doctor...tell him how you are feeling and ask him to suggest meds that will best help you. Sometimes a med that didn't work the first time ends up helping out the second time so you may just want to give the Lithium another try. The Lamictal works well as an add on med so I would keep that in mind.

Well Leoma I wish you well and keep on posting....it will allow you to gain a better perspective on things sharing with others who are going through a similar situation.

((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody:angel: :wave:

Goody, glad to hear your daughter is doing better! :p

The doc I have isn't really interested in any newer (by that she must mean newer than ten years, jeez!) medication to put me on so If I have to sit it out and force it I totally will, I am already doing it. And lithium made me sick my stomach always felt weird for some reason. I hated it and I never felt like it worked. :) In that case I prefer depakote. I have printed out seroquel, tegetrol, and lamactil side affects/uses whatever I found on a website for meds for this. So If I go in armed and ready then I hope she listens to me :)

Leomia (Hugs - right back at you!)