There was a time when I was a 14 year old where I would get sad at times, but eventually a relationship gone bad caused me to be depressed most of the time and it never seemed to end. I honestly don't think it was just the relationship, it was a bunch of crap that piled up and I finally had to deal with it. 2 years later I asked myself 'Why am I depressed?' and quickly found out that it was because of people so I slowly starting hating everyone. It got really bad when I started drinking excessivly last year, I would lash out at anyone. Eventually I quit drinking after the summer and tried to turn my life around, got a really great girlfriend during the winter and things started looking up but then it all fell apart again.

I cannot control my emotions at all. One minute I feel happy and the next I feel like throwing up because I despise everything and everyone so much. It used to be that I just got angry at people but it's manifested itself into something much worse. Whenever I get in this crazy state of mind, I imagine the people I'm fighting/arguing with dead and how nice that would be. I feel absolutely no remorse. I love my girlfriend very much but when I get angry at her for no reason at all I feel so much hate and disgust I don't know how to deal with. I can feel it boiling inside the pit of my stomach.

Why do I hate everything so much? Why can't I just be a happy normal guy? I fear this will tear our relationship apart even though she swears she would never break up with me and I have never or will never be violent towards her.

Something else: I dated a girl a few years ago and everything was going great. One day I woke up and realized I did not care for her one bit so I called her up to tell her it was over, she was devastated. I felt absolutely no remorse what-so-ever. It was as if she had never existed even though we went out for around 2 months.

What the hell is wrong with me? I broke down this morning crying and I have no idea why.

..."and quickly found out that it was because of people so..."

doom,
I believe one reason you may be feeling so negative is because you think the cause is other people - or, for that matter, probably just about anything outside of yourself. In truth, the cause of these emotions is inside you, not outside you. How you think, what you think, plays a huge role in how you feel. Someone may act in a way that gets you mad, but it's actually how/what you think about that person that gets you mad, not that person. So, you need to take some time to examine what/how your thinking about things and begin to question whether or not your thinking is accurate and reasonable. Childhood (and adolescent) thinking can be particularly emotional and not terribly conducive to rational thinking. As children (and teens) we easily project the problem onto others. As an adult, we can re-examine what we learned growing up and.....change our ways...

I suspect your lack of remorse may be due to your having become somewhat numb due to the build up of disgust and hate you speak about. The fact that you broke down crying is actually quite wonderful and hopeful.

do you have any physical symptoms? often when the body is unwell so is the emotions as an example bipolar and depression can be directly linked to a dysfunctional thyroid, so can anger

I asked myself 'Why am I depressed?' and quickly found out that it was because of people so I slowly starting hating everyone.

it's understandable that some people can be truly mean and nasty, and you do have a right to dislike the person, but the thing is that a lot of the time (i believe) our responses turn into patterns. they become almost like habits, completely automatic reactions to everything else that may come close to how we felt the first time, when that first person made us feel bad/sad. and, as we all know, habits are really hard to break (look at smoking, drinking, gambling, over-eating, not exercising, etc.).

what firenice said makes lots of sense to me. i know that emotions/feelings are very powerful, more powerful than thoughts--that's why it's so difficult to change our thoughts, and so easy to keep going with the feelings. but, it CAN BE DONE!!!!

i used to be an angry person too. i thought the world and the people in it were unfair and i thought i was dealt a "bad hand" in this life. i blamed a few of those people you're talking about (those close to me--and even strangers!!!!). but, with time and with really thinking about it (you need to think about it), i realized that my hatred only hurt and destroyed me and nobody else!!! i was the one left fuming, with exploding and pounding headaches, and in complete anxiety. i was the one who suffered, not those people out there, whom i hated and who had no idea about it. they went on their merry way, and lived their lives happily and joyfully, for all i knew....

listen doom, you've probably heard this a million times before, but i'll say it again. the only person in this world that you can control is yourself! you can't control the feelings, thoughts, or actions of anybody else, as hard as you try (believe me, because i did try, and it was in vain!!!). also, like firenice said, it's about how YOU perceive a situation or what a person says or does that puts you in a bad or good frame of mind. it is not what that person actually says or does . also, think about it this way: every one in this world believe they're special (and they should, after all, we do, right?!), and they all have their opinions on something. when they say something to you, YOU DON'T have to take their opinions to heart, and then get your blood boiling!!!!!! just listen to them, and if you like something you hear, fine, if not, also fine. thirdly--in my opinion-- if nothing else really works, then try to distance yourself a bit from those who you believe are making your life more miserable than it could/should be. i did this with my mom. ever since i did so, she became more respectful of me and she is not as nasty as she was (and boy, was she nasty!!!).

also, i don't know about your past, doom, but if you know in your heart that there are some things deep inside you that make you sad and that lead to anger/hatred towards others, please--if you can--try to do something about it. i used to think like you. but i found out that life is really not that bad. i hope i didn't say anything upsetting to you here... i usually post on the depression forum (i have major depression and anxiety, and take meds for those). i've been through quite a lot. i still get angry now and then, but it's manageabe.

i wish you all the luck in the world!!! look deep inside yourself, doom. there are many answers there.
fondly,
dakota

The only thing that I can add to Firenice's and Dakota's excellent posts are that it sounds like you have a lot of unexpressed anger in you. This needs to come out. How - understand what you are angry about and then let it go (letter writing and then destroying the letter seems to help a lot of people). I am sure that it is all in the past now. The other thing is that maybe you might feel that you are not in control of your life and this is why you are so angry at others because you feel like a pawn. You are in control of your life. Now reach in and find your power. Keep posting.