about a year and a half ago I had unprotected anal sex as a top (I am a gay), I barebacked a guy who sleeps around a lot.... being the insertive top, luckily I came out negative after 3 months and I promised myself and my boyfriend that this was never going to occur ever again!!!

now I moved to europe where work has been overwhelming, loneliness has gotten the best of me and my coworkers are rude and I end up going to a sauna and meeting a guy who was handsome and nice to me and who opened himself to me, and what stupid me does? HAVE UNPROTECTED ANAL SEX WITH HIM!!! me being the top again

I have still the same boyfriend in california, and I can not get over the guilt of falling thru the same horrible cycle twice!! God gave me a chance last time, but a second time? do I deserve it?

the guy is french and he claims he is clean, and I was the insertive partner I didnt really notice blood or cuts on my penis or anything, but I did insert my penis without a condom inside him which is enough to get me infected with hiv.

some places I read risk is low for a top insertive partner in anal sex, in others that some men get infected with barely even sticking it in for a few seconds!!

I even found some stats saying that the risk of me to catch it assuming he is positive are like 6.5 in 10,000 that is very low, but c'mon!!! I am an idiot

I feel like God is not gonna give me a second chance just because I m idiot

my exposure occured 4 days ago and I CAN NOT possibly take 6 weeks of this.

if there are any HIV positive posters could u please tell me how u got it?

I can not take it, my desire to live is over and this ******** is the top of damn iceberg

first thing is you need is to calm down,you don't know even if your partner was positive to begin with.all this fear could be for nothing.if you go by odds of getting infected i'm the worst person to talk to about that but do not be alarmed.anyway the odds are in your favor that you will be neg. if the worst happens,your life is very far from over, i thiought the same and 10 years later shows me how wrong i am. it might be the guilty thoughts making this worse for you,everyone screws up,put it in the back of your mind,get it checked out and put it behind you. it will happen faster then you think. good luck

thank you for calming me down smiteler, would you please tell me judging by your rather wide experience if you have come across many gay tops who get infected with HIV?

I have been going thru a tremendous heavy stressful time this year and I was starting to feel happy and finding comfort in my life and then this came along.....

Just so you know, I am very happy good people like you exists..... since I read your prior posts and learn how easily you got infected I was wondering, do you think I am infected? I mean giving you the scenario of how I my exposure was and all....would you say you've seen or heard of many people getting infected like that in just one exposure? or would you say most tops who get infected are in long term +/- relationships sort of like many heterosexual men get infected.

I am sorry if I seem to be a bit overwhelming, you're the only person I can turn to right now since I have no friends and I can not get myself to tell my BF of what I did, especially since he is so far away

I am in belgium, he is in california.

double post and for some reason it won't delete

to be honest,i'm a hetero male who got infected by my ex gf, the first year i was with her i used a condom every time,i got lazy,let my guard down and went unprotected one night and had sex with her 4 times that night, thats all it took for me.so like i had said before, i'm the absolutly the worst case to put odds to.
i think for you that alot of your anxeity is from guilt and beating yourself up from something you feel bad about that you had done.
your chances from a one time encounter from someone you have no idea of thier status is low. the only sure way to know is to get tested.
i have no idea of percentages from,gay,hetro,top,bottom,male,female
sexual orentation has nothing to do with hiv, any one of those groups can be infected.good luck and take it day by day,don't overwelm yourself with guilt or shame,like i said before the odds are in your favor and if god forbid the worst happens you will still be ok,so no matter the outcome,you will be around for many,many years.

if u havent had a cold or flu like symptom since the encounter...ur likely to not have it.