Hello you all and I hope your well today. I'll get straight to the point, my boyfriend had serious anger problems and I don't know what to do about it. He gets angry over small things, and if it's a big reason it just makes it worse. People say he's selfish because usually when he gets mad it's because something dosen't go his way. Which I know sounds very immature, but he had a very rough childhood so I see the connection to things that have happened in his past to how he acts now. Usually I can calm him down before it gets out of hand. Usually he takes it out on me because im always there and always close. He will throw things, call everyname in the book, threaten to kick me out the house (even going as far as throwing my things out), and yes he's even pushed me around. He has put his hands on me but never a strong hit. Im not justifying it at all, because sometimes it does hurt (he dosen't know that because i don't show it). Then afterwards he will calm down and talk to me, beg for my forgivness, admits he needs help, tells me im a good woman and stuff. When he talks, it all makes sense. SO I don't know why he can get to that "sense" before he gets that angry. It's like he turned into a different person and sometimes dosent even remember what he does. We have been together for 5 years and live together and will be married one day. Everything about him is a perfect match except for his anger and depression. As his fiance, I am the closest one to him that can help.

Today it was because we had to get the car fixed and that didn't allow him to do what he had planned. So he's having a fit. At the same time, his mother is in town for the weekend. They DO NOT have a healthy relationship so I have a feeling once he calms down, he's going to bring her up. It's happend before where he got angry because she was even in town. Im at work now and I just know he's at home breaking stuff and god knows what and close to the time I get home he comes to his senses, cleans everything, and opens up to me. I think his case is pretty servere but he really only shows it to me...I can only think of 2 people that have had a glimpse of it.

This post is a little choppy I know...I probably left out some stuff but im just a little shaken and really desperate for help. Either from someone who has been through this or had servere anger or whoever.

Im not going to pack everything and leave. I care too much for him to do do that. I would even tolerate it until he better and if the relationship just isnt going anywhere then i'll leave...but not because of this. He's sick.

Thank you for reading.

FYI

I know this isnt a venting board...I guess a better question is if someone can give me any tips or techniques to try and help the situation...

Then afterwards he will calm down and talk to me, beg for my forgivness, admits he needs help, tells me im a good woman and stuff. When he talks, it all makes sense. SO I don't know why he can get to that "sense" before he gets that angry. It's like he turned into a different person and sometimes dosent even remember what he does. We have been together for 5 years and live together and will be married one day. Everything about him is a perfect match except for his anger and depression. As his fiance, I am the closest one to him that can help.
He's sick.Thank you for reading. Firstly, about getting to the sensible part first..this is NOT beyond him, tho he may need help to train himself to do this. He is flying off the handle like a toddler in a tantrum, before he gives his grown-up side a chance to deal. He CAN choose to control himself. We all have to do it, it is what being an adult is all about - taking responsibility. Secondly, your part in this. You are perpetuating the problem, because you allow him to dump all this rage on you. You need to stop tolerating this behaviour. I know, I know he doesn't mean it etc etc, and he will be the sorriest of anyone at your side in the ER when he goes a bit too far. Would you bring children into this life?? Tell him, therapy or I go, and mean it. He is troubled, sure, he can get better with effort on his part, and without your co-dependent toleration of his abuse.

Hi, I agree with Seraph, he needs therapy. With therapy he can get beyond all this. Without therapy it will never change.

Well, I have to agree. Without question he needs therapy. At least he ses he has a problem. And you obviously notice he does. If you are just venting, then ok, vent away, but be awarem this isn't a problem that is miracualously going to get better when you marry him. Don't marry him because you feel like if you have to. This anger probelm is serious and the fact he has shoved you is a huge, huge warning sign--take it as such. You say you won't pack up & leave....but please, keep your eyes wide open. Listen to the people on this board, they do know what they are talking about. Help him to get some help,

I used to be a bit like this (if you read some of my old posts, they may sound a bit familiar to you), but I've been SO much calmer and haven't had a single episode for over 6 months now. I don't even really know why, except I guess I've just learned to not feel so overwhelmed with anger/sadness/stress/negativity...I don't know how though, I'm sorry!

I didn't get any therapy either, but that's not to say your bf doesn't need it for his own problems...he has to learn to deal with his feelings properly. He can't take it out on you. He DOES have control over it if he chose to. He doesn't take his feelings out on the check out person in the supermarket, does he? (or does he? LOL) He takes it out on you because he feels comfortable and safe with you. He chooses to, not because he doesn't love you, but because he is indulging his feelings. He doesn't realise (or thinks he can't help it) that all his negative feelings and the situation is worse afterwards because of how he's behaved.

It's a positive cycle. You deal with your feelings properly and don't hurt anyone you love, and in turn you actually start to feel more calm within yourself which then results in less negative feelings...

Good luck!

I with agree w/everyone here.

The relationship between your b/f and his mother is not good. Take your cues from that. There's an old expression that goes: "If a man doesn't get along well with his mother, very likely, he won't get along w/his wife."

From what I gather, it sounds like she dominated him and he resents that.
She comes back in town and she's probably bossing him around and making him feel like what he's been made into by her: a little spoiled, tantrum-throwing child.

More than likely, he feels inadequate and insecure and his mother brings out the worst in him. No matter what he does for her, it's never enough.
He takes things out on YOU because you're there and he's safe doing so. You allow it.

Like one poster said, he doesn't take it out on the girl in the check out line.
He FIGURES 9 times out of 10, she'll call the police on him.
He KNOWS you won't.

Another poster said it best when they said to tell him either he goes and gets something done about his problem-- which, clearly, he KNOWS he has one -- or you're in the wind.

Don't marry a man that does this... do you think he'll get BETTER because he married you? It will only get worse.