i'm not too sure how to deal with her at the moment. She has a long history of mild depression, but has never really dealt with it or acknowledged it. She is on welbutrin and effexor though.

She had a bad accident a few years back, and been in chronic pain since then. I know this is going to make things worse, as she is unable to do the things she could in the past. Her dr. has been really bad at treating her, and doesnt' seem to realize that the depression is worsening. Her way of dealing with my mom's lack of motivation to do things (take meds, go to physio, have bloodwork done) is to yell at her, and tell her she's making herself worse.

We've talked about getting a new gp, but they are so hard to find now, and with her long history of health problems, she wants someone who knows her.

Lately, I've been finding it more and more difficult to be supportive, as she keeps pushing me away, and making me feel guilty for having a "normal" life, and having a bit of money to enjoy it. She hasn't been working much, and spends WAY more than she can afford, and is now being evicted.


Sorry this is so long, we have a ton of issues, and I dont' know where to go from here. I've tried to talk her into going to counselling, but she refuses, saying it won't put money on her table, so it's a waste of time.

my husband thinks she needs some tough love, and to tell her that we will not let her see the kids unless she gets the help she needs, but I dont' know if I can push her away like that.

Hi Schamp,
I too have issues with my mother, you can feel free to read some of my posts if you like. Some days are better than others. At least your mom is on some meds.
As far as advice goes, I would say that although some days its harder more than others to be supportive, just remember that if she is really low, it's not something she can help, and she doesnt want to feel that way. I'm learning that I should take those cues from my mom, and let her be, when she feels like that. I think it makes her more agitated for me to constantly be asking how she is, or if she's feeling better.
My problem is not my mom's depression whatsover. I understand she has this, and she does her best to manage it. I feel for her as it's a horrible thing to go through. My problem with her, is that I think sometimes she has so much going on and is so upset by other family issues that she takes it out on me. And I think she knows she's being mean, and sometimes I think she blames it on her depression. I dont know. I think it's possible sometimes, she is just overbearing, and she uses her depression as a cover for all the harsh things she says to me.
Anyways, I'm sorry I am probably not much help, because today I'm not any help to myself in this situation anyways. But just wanted you to know you're not alone, and certainly not the only one feeling guilty for trying to live their life. You can just be there for her, give her space when she needs it, and try to live your own life. I know the advice that is given to me is right and that sometimes it is making the problem worse by constantly giving into her.
One thing I would not do is keep her from seeing your kids. That is punishing her, but is punishing your kids as well, and they shouldnt be brought into it. But remember if she is suffering from depression, then it's something very hard for her to control, so I think another way of getting through to her is in order rather than taking away her beloved grandchildren. I think that would be really harsh.
Good luck, post anytime, there are wonderful people here.

Carsam

thanks so much for the reply carsam!

I didn't like the idea of keeping the kids from her either, dh thinks that it will take some extreme measures to get her to help herself.

It is good to know that I am not the only one going through this. I love her, and want to help her, it's just so hard to know what to do.


At the moment, she is being evicted, and told me she's planning on living on the street, since she has nowhere to go. I looked into support services for her, and info on low budget housing, as well as shared accomidations. I found a really nice place for an amazing price. I got back an email saying are you crazy?? I don't think so!!!!

I don't want to see her on the street, but dh refuses to take her in, and she is refusing to do anything herself. I feel completely stuck

thanks so much for the reply carsam!

I didn't like the idea of keeping the kids from her either, dh thinks that it will take some extreme measures to get her to help herself.

It is good to know that I am not the only one going through this. I love her, and want to help her, it's just so hard to know what to do.


At the moment, she is being evicted, and told me she's planning on living on the street, since she has nowhere to go. I looked into support services for her, and info on low budget housing, as well as shared accomidations. I found a really nice place for an amazing price. I got back an email saying are you crazy?? I don't think so!!!!

I don't want to see her on the street, but dh refuses to take her in, and she is refusing to do anything herself. I feel completely stuck

Schamp,

Are there some assisted living facilities in your area? Is she receiving disability?
There are certainly places she can move into where they have medical staff on-site that can help her. I know she doesn't want to be forced into some place that really will treat her horribly!

She definitely needs another doctor. Anytime a doctor is yelling at a patient, the patient needs a change.
Does she really want to live on the street, with all kinds of crime happening everywhere? She wouldn't be safe from anything.

I know this is drastic, but is there any legal way she can be forced to get the help she needs?

Hi again Schamp,
What's your relationship like with your mom? Do you have siblings that can help?

I'm having a thought and forgive me if it sounds out of line. Is there any chance that she may be manipulating you? I mean, if she's in chronic pain, it wouldnt be very smart of her to just "live on the street" if it wasnt necessary. If she's being evicted, you would think she would welcome your help, finding somewhere safe and comfortable and affordable? Is it possible that she's being difficult to force your hand and then move in with you? Because she knows you would not see her living on the street? Maybe she does not want to move somewhere low budget, so she's saying she'll live on the street, so you'll take here in. I dont blame her for not wanting to live on low budget, but if she's being evicted......
Or on the other hand, maybe her depression really is getting on top of her, and she's so down that she really doesnt care if she lives on the street.

In either case, the first thing she needs as the previous poster says is a new doctor. Whether she likes it or not. Sad to say.....and I see this with my own doctor.....some of them can I feel get a bit "lazy" when it comes to their long term patients. Especially when those patients are constantly going to their doctors with complaints of pain, but all test results show nothing concrete as the cause. This is I believe the case with my mom's doctor (who happens to be mine also). Some days, she barely listens to my mom at all.....and my mom suffers from chronic pain as well. So maybe explain to your mom, that maybe a "new" doctor might be more "interested" in her pain, because they havent heard "all about it", and may be more willing to help her narrow things down and treat her properly?

Just a suggestion......keep us posted and I things work out ok for you guys.

Carsam:)

thanks so much for the help and advice!

I think a new dr. is a great way to go, I hope we can find one though, we are in a crisis here for finding gps, but I will ask around. You are right, yelling at a patient is not a good sign.


My mom can be very manipulative, so you could be right about it being easier for her to move in with me. The problem is I just don't know which it is. She seems to resist my attempts to find her a place, but I have told her that dh has said no to her coming here. She resents that too. She is jealous a lot of what I have done with my life, I have a carreer, a house, dh, and kids. She had me young, dropped out of college, and struggled life as a poor single mom. I try to tell her that she should be proud of what I've done instead of jealous, but she can't seem to do it.:confused:

I'm an only child, only grandchild, and there is no one else. She is helping to care for my alcoholic grandmother right now, but doesn't want to stay with her, "I'm too old to live with my mom":rolleyes:

Anyway, thanks so much for letting me steam, and the advice!