hi, i'm jenn new to the board but not new to depression. i was doing great for several years on my meds. i felt good enough to attempt go to school and start my quest to become a liscensed vet tech. (animal nurse) it was stressful of course but made it through first semester with decent grades. then 2nd semester started. i felt mildly off when i started but then got horribly overwhelmed. ex. of classes(anesthesia, surgury, pharmacology lectures and labs and clinical pathology.) i
i was so overwhelmed i felt like a deer in headlights. i studied constantly but had an exetremely difficult time remembering things. my grades were failing and beyond salvaging. i later found out i can't be accepted back into the program b/c i dropped more than 3 classes. hardship clause? i'm mentally ill and get sick when i get too stressed out. why would someone let me back in? the job itself is very stressful.
beyond all this....i need a job, but i'm terrified of making mistakes. while everyone is working hard all i do is sit on the couch with my computer and a movie or music. i get teary writing this. i haven't showered or changed my clothes for a week now, and did this the week before last too. i just can't seem to get motivated to do anything. weather has been gorgeous, i know i should walk...but why bother? i don't want to tell my friends or family b/c i'm ashamed and embarressed. i sleep on the couch because i'm too lazy to walk 7 feet to my bed. i generally just feel numb. i'm confused about what i want to do, fearful, it really pisses me off because i was doing so well, i thought i knew what i wanted, but i can't handle the responsibility that a vet tech has.
not sure this has a point.... thanks for reading.
planet jenn

i'm terrified of making mistakes.

Hi Jenn, if you make mistakes then you are stupid and worthless? Jenn, you are not stupid and worthless because you make mistakes! Everyone makes mistakes. I get the feeling that you have never dealt with a few issues here? Do you want to share?

jenn, just want to tell you I read your post. I personally don't see anything so awful about you based on the post. I can relate, really. Wish I could say more, but having some major shame issues myself right now!

thanks for your replies.

i know that fear of mistakes is irrational, i just can't seem to help it. i just don't understand...when i was doing really well, not depressed i wasn't nearly as afraid. in my first semester i volunteered to try things first (giving shots, placing catheters etc.) i was so eager to learn. and now...well, i couldn't handle 2nd semester. i was full guns to learn, but as the semester wore on i just couldn't handle the work load, i started cutting again and landed in the hospital for 4 days. i feel like such a loser..a failure,, i know my family doesn't think so, i even kept being in the hosp. secret, (people wondered where i was that weekend) cause i was ashamed my behavior is atrocious and not taking care of myself ...i'm afraid my therapist will send me back to the hosp. again, im afraid and ashamed to even tell her what is going on. i just feel so empty.

i have to go back home for the weekend to my gma's party (she is 90) as much as i love her i don't want to go. it'll be hey, how are what are you doing hows school? ummm. "i feel like **** and had to drop out of school again., how are YOU?. AARRRGGGG!!!! goddess i hate this. why me? why again? k, i'll stop whining now.

take care

jenn

Jenn, when you have issues inside that need to be solved you can sometimes manage to function when things are going well but if you start piling on the stress it gets harder and harder to function. It is like trying to go about your life even though you are sick, it just gets draining. If you are cutting you are not dealing with your feelings. Not dealing with your feelings is something that you learned. I get the feeling you have a whole story to tell here. Jenn, if you work through your issues it will be a lot easier to function. Dealing with your issues means being open with your therapist.