I just typed out a lovely explanation of what I'm feeling right now. Told about how I'm a memeber of the MS board because I have MS - OH -WAIT A MINUTE - THE SAME PERSON WHO INTERRUPTED THE FIRST POST JUST INTERRUPTED THIS ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I tapered off Effexor, stopped altogether 5 days ago. Wondering why there is no RAGE board here - I guess I'm some sort of FREAK!!!

Fine. Moderators, please don't take this as disrespect, but I REALLY wish there was ONE, SINGLE G-D PLACE on this PLANET I could go to say F-Y right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I REALLY WISH I had an option other than frigging911 where I could SAY OUT LOUD that 52 pins in each eye sounds like a pleasant diversion. I wish I could HAVE an opinion that didn't cause me to end up spitting my words. (I wish I could have a frigging opinion - PERIOD!!! Seems having one only gets me ridicule. From the people I love. Hence, I'm here.)

Please, please, please, allow me to commit this to "print" without being "bleeped" out. Please, let one person, maybe even two people, read this before you shut me down. I'm not crazy. I'm a kind, loving, generous person. Seems I might empathize too deeply for my own good. Seems my degree of empathy is not desired. I'm working on it. Shoot, that was the very BEST thing about Effexor - I could empathize without actually FEELING the pain. Without the drug, I do feel it.

And perhaps I'm too full of myself, think I'm too smart, too compassionate. Does it matter? I am feeling rage because I can't tell another living being what I think or how I feel. I came here in the hope that you would let me do this, so I can go to sleep and wake up to a new (and less rageful?) day tomorrow.

Guess we'll see what you decide.

I'm so sorry about your rage, it must be scary. How long have you been dx with MS?

Thank you. After I posted I was able to lay down and go to sleep. Am hopeful today will NOT be like yesterday.

I got the MS diagnosis almost 2 years ago. It has been something of an emotional roller coaster, and that doesn't make sense to me. I don't like antidepressants. Am particularly not liking Effexor because I've never had trouble getting OFF of one before...

Thank you for replying, letting me know SOMEONE "heard" my venting. Seems stupid, but I feel better because of it.

Lilc, keep posting.

Sannah, sigh...guess I need to keep posting. Today is bad again. The CIRCUMSTANCES are the same as always, frustrating people at work, feeling ignored, etc. But this RAGE is so over the top, it just has to be the drug (or lack thereof).

Am keeping my head down to avoid noticing someone "looking at me funny", am tuning out the chatter of my co-workers in the office, am avoiding sending e-mails. I'm sure this will pass, just hope it passes soon.

When it does, if the depression is there I guess I will have to try another AD. Will cross that bridge if I come to it.

Thank you.

Lilc, your rage is coming from somewhere, you need to talk about it. Feeling ignored, do you want to say more about that?

Not right now. Yes, I know it is coming from somewhere, obviously it (and the feelings that enrage me) is/are coming from me. The common denominator in my 50 years experience.
After supposedly "dealing with it" many times over those years I'm coming to believe it is tired and moldy and probably boring. I just don't feel like its fair to dump it on someone who has been nice to me. (Last night it exploded. Now I want to apologize!)

Lilc, your choice! There is a way out of this, however, if you so choose. Closed containers with explosives in them are a disaster waiting to happen. Relieving the pressure by releasing will decrease the likelihood of an explosion. When I said that rage is coming from somewhere I didn't mean it was simply coming from you. I meant it is coming from issues and thoughts in your head which can be worked on. Issues aren't "dealt with" until they are successfully resolved.

Sannah, you're making me cry...and you are certainly right about the bomb in the can.

But HEY!!! Somehow, you did something that none of my therapists ever did: made me think it isn't ENTIRELY my own fault?

Somehow, you did something that none of my therapists ever did: made me think it isn't ENTIRELY my own fault?

Lilc, how could this be entirely your own fault? When we are children and are being affected negatively by our environment we have no control over this. As adults, however, I believe that we do have the responsibility to get better and take responsibility for our actions. So are you going to work on releasing some of this pressure?

Hello Lilc:
I read your thread and just wanted to share something.
I was on Effexor a few yrs. ago and I can't remember what side-effect it had (bcuz i've tried SO many in past) but whatever it was, it was bad enough for me to stop. Anyways, i wasn't made aware at the time that anti-depressents should never be stopped CT. I did, and went into a serious depression & rage & had thoughts of suicide. I was scared out of my mind bcuz i thought i was really losing it.
I went to the dr. that prescribed it and even HE was so freakin' stupid that he didn't put 2 & 2 together to figure out that my stopping short could be making me like this. He was ready to send me to a psychiatrist & label me with bipolar.
I didn't make the appt. and i took a few days off work to see if i could feel better. Within 1 wk. i was totally back to normal & feeling nothing like i'd felt the week before. I was so angry!!!! Bcuz of my drs. ignorance i COULD HAVE done something that would be un-do-able.
Anyways, i guess what i am trying to get at is, even though there is obviously a lot of emotional pain in you, everything may be hugely inflated right now bcuz of coming off Effexor. From what i've heard (& experienced) this med. needs to be weaned off very very slowly. If it only took you 5 days than there might be a big cause of the unbearable rage.
I know it's too late now since you've already stopped it & going back on is pointless & potentially worse for you. But maybe try & be more nurturing to yourself & not as hard on u. Don't feel like you are "losing it" bcuz it is probably just your chemicals being totally out of whack.
As far as working on the painful things that still invade you, wait until u are a little more detoxed and then make steps to work on yourself.
I obviously didn't wait & I was this close to being admitted into a facility when it wasn't necessary.
Just some ideas for you. I am not saying that u are not jusitfyibly (sp?) hurt & angry, just that it may be highlighted right now due to coming off med.
I will pray for some peace to happen in you today.

Sannah, yep, I'm just no good at keeping it in - it comes out one way or another.

Maggie, thank you, you are absolutely right. I did actually taper down over the course of 2 months (I had heard that CT was a VERY BAD IDEA with Effexor).

To both of you, I thank you so very much.

Today I was about to take it again (another rageful night) but on my way to work I saw that it was Thursday, the new "Onion" newspaper was out. Don't know if you've seen it or heard of it, but it is a satirical "newspaper".

The headlines alone has me waiting at the light laughing. I thought this was a good sign, as I had laughed yesterday (at myself)! Today WAS better. I knew everything was "amplified" but I hadn't been able to control the volume knob. Today is better. I'm optimistic that the over the top rage is passing. Then I can make some more rational decisions.

All of my life I've struggled with feeling "defective". Yes, there is plenty about my childhood that planted that feeling firmly in me. But I agree, Sannah, that at some point I have to take responsibility for my own mental health. I actually remember some 15 years ago or so telling a therapist that I just couldn't stay mad at my mom anymore! I even passed that "wisdom" on to my younger sister - she used to complain about roommates and jobs and would change both every 6 months or so. Finally I got weary of the broken record and said to her, "what is the common denominator? At some point you have to look at yourself."

Gotta go, will finish later...

Hey Lilc, you do sound better! Keep up the good work. Oh yeah, you are not defective. Your environment just shaped you in a way that makes it difficult for you. You can reshape yourself now so that you can be happier and can function better.

Sannah, thanks for "sticking around".

I honestly think an advantage to having survived repeated bouts of extreme depression and/or intense rage is that, even in the midst of it, I recognize that I've been there before and there IS another side - all I need to do is hold on and I'll get there.

But that sense of defectiveness (is that a word?) - it is at the core of every episode of despair I can remember. And the rage, too.

My experience with therapists hasn't been great. They all (there were a handful, I'm not talking about an army of therapists - about 5 over the years) ended up mad at me. One even yelled at me in a group session (lost her temper and told me she was mad at me).

THAT wasn't fun to say. Makes me want to describe myself, tell that I have always been pleasant and well-liked, compassionate, want others to like me, make friends easily etc.

But things do eventually blow up in my relationships. Perhaps it IS because I moved 18 times before I graduated from HS, went to 13 different schools, etc. But that was over 30 years ago!!!

Hence, something WAY deep is mis-firing. (My conclusion.)

Sannah, I thank you, and I'm not trying to get anybody to feel sorry for me. Actually having this discussion IS making me think, differently. I have to get to work now, but will keep working on that "different" thinking.

Lilc, people have left you before? I just happen to have a knack for seeing beyond BS to see what is good in people. Yeah, your first post in this thread could make a lot of people run! I will help you find that Lilc inside who is kind and compassionate. You will just need to get all this rage, etc. out of the way to find her, but she is in there!

I feel your rage, pain, feelings of no one understanding your feelings, I feel it all! I just started on effexor after being off ad for 3 years. I fought so hard to stay off of them but the last 8 months I had 3 really bad episodes that scared me. Too many suicidal thoughts. I hate the side effects right now and dread going off of it because I have heard how hard it is. Can't you take it slower? Or use xanax to help you ween off effexor. I feel really bad for you and I know the feeling of writing stuff down and then feeling somewhat better, so write all you want if it will help. I am praying for you.
Sully
stay in touch

Sully, I sense a kindred spirit. HATED admitting I needed help, yet again! I was stubborn about getting off again. Still not out of the woods, but Sannah made me LAUGH! (And it isn't a bitter laugh, she was funny!)

Sannah, how silly you are, people haven't left me, I'M the one who leaves! (OK, that's just a little sarcastic - but entirely true.) I do seem to have a terrible time believing that friendship or love can last beyond a difficult time. So I run.

The good news is that running becomes less and less an option the older I get. I've actually had to stick around and accept that my family seems to love me unconditionally!

Lilc, do you use humor to avoid issues or to put distance between yourself and others?

I honestly don't know! It does seem to get people talking to me again after I've completely put them off...

(By the way, when I seem to end abruptly it is because I've been interrupted...)

I keep resisting the urge to ask, "Who ARE you? And where were you when I was PAYING people to help figure me out???" In the event I should ask, please don't answer.

Humor. First of all, I do truly love to laugh, until I cry, until my face hurts. To me it is one of the greatest gifts given to humanity. The unadulterated kind of laughter. When I can laugh at myself is almost the best. Some examples:
When I learned that my tremor was in fact noticable and I felt as if I should go into seclusion lest I frighten small children, a friend completely blasted that fear forever by saying he just thought I was doing interpretive dance. If I laughed a little too hard it was because I let it go at that moment. Ever since I remember him saying that when I get insecure about the shaking, and I can smile.

Yesterday, when I laughed (and felt the fever of rage breaking) I was in the midst of a tirade. It was heading in the same direction another tirade had gone some months earlier, when I had declared that "If [something or other did or did not happen] I'm gonna have to hurt somebody REAL BAD, REAL SOON!"
I work in a room with 6 semi-cubicles. There is no privacy and considerable cross-talk. Also, I am a white-girl from the midwest working in DC, the rest of the room is neither. The original statement resulted in wholesale belly-laughs and requests to repeat the threat.
So yesterday, when I stood up and heard myself declaring that "IF -- [something or other did or did not happen]" I asked, "what am I gonna have to do?" Within seconds tears were rolling down my face as I corrected my co-workers' attempts to get the quote right.

As far as I can tell, that is a good humor. It felt cathartic. It gave me hope.

So, while I've been typing, I've been thinking about the question. I think I DO know the answer. I use SARCASM to put distance between myself and others (sometimes I try to disguise it as humor). I avoid issues by running, or by using sarcasm to put distance between myself and others.

But I honestly do TRY to use humor to get closer to people. Really.

Here is what you said that I truly found funny: "Yeah, your first post in this thread could make a lot of people run!" It was completely honest and, frankly, funny. I went back and read it. Oh my, did I actually need to add "(rage)" to the title?

The thing is, I can go along for a considerable spell at a fairly even keel. And then I snap. And when I snap it is so intense it does put people off. (Have many examples). The thing that has saved me is acknowledging the humor in the contrast.

OK, Sannah. Have you ANY IDEA what the last sentence stirred in me??????

Sannah -when I said this - "I keep resisting the urge to ask, "Who ARE you? And where were you when I was PAYING people to help figure me out???" In the event I should ask, please don't answer."

That was awfully rude and insensitive of me. I am sorry.

And, since you've had me thinking the past couple of days, I think I know why I said it. You have "stuck around", and I'm getting afraid that I will say something - I don't know, stupid? childish? painfully boring? mean? rude and insensitive???

So at that moment I thought I was expressing my gratitude.

I feel like a bull in a china shop - and it seems that is a pattern for me.

OMG. That's how I sabotaged(sp?) my therapy... (Just because it didn't "fix" me doesn't mean I didn't learn anything from it.)

I'm afraid I'll get my feelings hurt and then I'll just turn it into unwarranted, unreasonable anger. AND there I go again - rage.

So let me push you away before that happens, because of all the nasty feelings I have, that (rage) is far and away the most frightening.

Dearest, dearest, dearest Lilc (does that scare you?), I felt you pushing me away in that post before I asked you that question. It painted a picture for me of why people get angry with you. Someone gets too close for your comfort and you push them away. I am not fooled so easily so I will stick by you even if I sense you trying desperately to push me away because I know that you really do not want to push me away but that frantic urge that you have to do it, you just cannot resist. So I will be patient with you because you deserve it and I know that if you can get through this that thousands of doors will finally be opened up for you.

Sannah, thank you.
And yes, that does scare me (you smarty-pants).

Lilc, I will be here when you need me. Go at your own pace, whatever is comfortable for you.

Lilc, Sorry it took so long to get back to you but I work a job that has me traveling constantly. It sounds like you are doing much better and your sense of humor is remarkable. I love to laugh too, and my poor husband tries so hard to keep me laughing but last night when I told him why I understood why people committ suicide, he didn't find anything funny to say about it. I just needed someone to hear me. I need to see a therapist but have not had a chance to make an appt because of my job. You sound like your job is making you "lose your cool" is that a correct assumption? I know it is a huge part of my anxiety/depression.
Keep laughing, it can only get better.
sully

Hi, Sully. You are correct about the job stuff - and I travel a lot, too!

Yes, I'm doing better, still "Effexor-free". I've had some MOMENTS - but have gotten through them.

Sannah kept getting me "talking" and thinking. Sigh, I still have much work to do. Selfishly, though, I decided to try to get some rest before I dive back in. So I've been lurking on this board some.

Am sort of afraid to read many of the posts because, like you, I do understand why some people commit suicide. Translation: I understand the depths of hopelessness and self-loathing. It doesn't mean I want to go there again!

I'll keep laughing, hope you do as well!

I'll be back, just hoping as I put a little more distance between myself and effexor I will feel less volatile!