When I first began coming to this site about 2.5 years ago I felt I had finally found a place to belong and be accepted. I was able to comfortably and freely offer support to others and to receive it when I needed it.

Unfortunately it has been a very long time since I have felt that. Most of the people I communicated with back then seem to be gone and I feel the people here now don't give a crap how I feel. No one has responded in any positive way to anything I have posted in more than six months.

Therefore, since I feel I am unwanted, I will stay away (ie, not post anymore). Thank you and bless you to all who have offered your support and helped me feel better when I needed it (you will know who you are). I appreciate all of you more than you could ever know (or maybe you could since your personal experiences fall into the same category as mine).

To those of you going through difficult times I assure you that even if I do not post anything for you, you will be in my prayers. I will wish for nothing but the best for all of you.

HI,

i am sad to see you go. i know i;m brand new but i know how it feels to reach out and feel ignored. peace and blessings to you.

Imagine, I haven't seen a post from you in a long time. What's going on?

Imagine, I haven't seen a post from you in a long time. What's going on?

Look a little harder. There are three or four from just a few days ago. I cut back a LOT when I started noticing that no one was responding back. Why bother to say anything at all if I'm just going to be ignored? BTW, Sannah, you were one of the ones I was thanking.

Thanks, Jenn for your response.

:wave: Hi, I am new here, too!
I wish you would reconsider your decision to leave and stay around and make some new friends!
I don't think anyone would intentionally ignore your posts, I think sometimes people just don't know what to say.

I can always use the support , please reconsider!

Imagine, thanks for the thanks! Anyway, I just did an advanced search on you and you have just made a few comments here and there recently. I target certain threads where people want to focus on issues since this is my interest. If you would have posted any issues that you wanted to work on I would have been the first one there!

Those were the first comments I've made in a couple of months, maybe more. As I said, I cut back a lot when I started to notice that threads were even completely dying out after I posted in them. There are many in which I was the last person to post anything at all... maybe it's paranoia and maybe I was right to feel like a leper chasing everyone away.

And now is a time when I could actually use a little support. Yesterday was my brother's birthday. He would be 31 now. But ten years ago, the day after MY birthday, a month before his 21st birthday, he died of smoke inhalation as a result of being locked in his bedroom by our "father". He had some matches, apparently, and accidentally started the fire then couldn't get out. Last night... or rather, early this morning, my mood just plummeted and I don't know why. I kept getting zapped and it made me so angry I started to beat myself in the head. It got worse from there. And I have no one else to talk to about it.

Thanks, CloudieSkies... I'm starting to rethink...

OMG! I am so sorry. Your dad locked a 20 year old in his bedroom? I cannot begin to think what else you all suffered through.

well i feel the same way sometimes. i post my thoughts and try to post some replies to be helpful only feeling very unhelpful and useless.

i tend to come and go also. just cause i dont' think anyone cares about me or what i think at all in this world. who care what i write if i dont' care about myself. its a vicious cycle.

imagine, i feel the same way. As you may have noticed (or not, i'm hardly here) i don't start topics here anymore, i only give advice. I think this site is ok, but rather impersonal. I am part of a lovely depression suport group, where we are all like family. if you would like to know the name of this site pm me (i'm not sure on linking rules here) people really listen to you there, and they're all really friendly.

Take care.

Maybe what we all need here is your postings. You guys say you don't post here much anymore - probably many of us came in while you where away and missed the benefit of your posts. Why don't you get us on the right track? I'm sure we could all benefit from your insight. :)

That is so awful! My heart goes out that you will remain strong. Is there any family members who you can talk to who can comfort you? I know a lot of times there aren't. Was your brother your only sibling?

dear imagine,

i stick around here because there are two people (sannah and carsam) who answer my posts--they are both "regulars" here (with carsam being a newer member who came in to find info about depression, to help her mother who suffers from it) who always take the time to answer...they answer most people usually, at least that's what i've seen, but they don't "go" where they have no idea what they're talking about....i really don't get any other comments to my posts--i mean, once in a blue moon maybe, but generally, no. when i feel a little better emotionally, that is, i come on here, read posts, and when i can, i try to give some advice. i may hit or miss, but i'll put myself out there...maybe the person may not like what they read, or it may be something they won't want to hear, but if i don't write what i think (but always in a nice, beneficial way, and only if i see something that can be fixed somewhow), then what's the point of just coming on and reading stuff day after day after day??

yeah, it's true that some people form "links" or relationships of sorts on here, but only because they find they have something in common, and they want to talk about it. also, if there are two or three people talking on a thread, for ex., that does NOTmean anybody else should not post on there!!! i think it's a nutty idea to even think that way. no, people should not think of it as "interrupting," or whatever.... i would welcome a new idea, for ex.

maybe people are scared to posts their thoughts to others, i don't know. but like i said before, if one doesn't reply, or "put oneself" out there for others, there will be no "returns" gained. also, you must form at least a little bit of a "thicker skin", to withstand those who ignore your ideas, comments, replies... people are like that, but not all of them....they hear what they want to hear, imagine, you know that...

about the past--i'm terribly sorry about what your brother went through. i have no adequate words to describe my thoughts about the situation. of course your depression plummeted!!! that's the reason right there!! you sound as if you still hate your "father" and maybe you still want to talk about it? you haven't let go of the past yet. imagine, you need to, at least a little bit, so that the present and the future can make some sense. we all have a reson to be here.....i, for one, will be looking forward to your posts, and will be trying my best to answer your questions, etc. please stay here...

p.s. the zaps....are you tapering off of something? what AD are you on? i'm on effexor, and only get that feeling (but not very strong) if i miss a dose of it....

fondly and my best wishes,
dakota

Hello Imagine

I am an infrequent poster here and only a casual reader here most times. I have to be honest with you and tell you that I am only responding to you because of strong empathy and with not too much sympathy.

And therein, I believe, from LOTS of personal experience, lies the basic problem. I have walked in your shoes and I am not about to downplay my own life's struggles in comparison with yours. I have, at times, totally turned MYSELF off with symapathy getting behavior. Learned finally to stop doing it.

What have I found as a better tool? Employing empathy with others AFTER learning to employ it on myself. We can not honestly have empathy (or symapthy, also) until we learn to empoploy it for ourselves. We employ it for ourselves and enjoy the time spent indulging ourselves and then get back to the job of healing. Working hard, being proactive and not depending on anyone other than ourselves to do the hardest of the taskes involved.

This is harsh, but written with empathy... get off the pity pot and s get back on track to healing.

Peace
reach

I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm rather new, and notice that a lot of times, only one or two people will respond to my posts at all, favorably or not. I guess it's because I sometimes get too wordy, but I feel like I have to give some background information. My situation and the circumstances that sort of egged on my depression are complicated. I also sometimes am not looking solely for advice, but to vent, and it helps to write it all out in black and white. So, I don't always mind if people don't respond to me (I'm not always the best about responding back when people do comment on my threads, either), but I know that it can be a letdown sometimes when you feel like no one's listening. At least I've rarely encountered anyone rude on the boards. I'm sorry for any bad experiences you've had here - I hope I wasn't a part of it.

I try to not just post about my own problems, but give advice if I feel I'm in the right place to do so. I'm still rather new to depression myself, so I don't have a whole lot of input. I answer questions about medicines I've taken, and about doctor's office experiences and such, but most of the time I'm doing the asking rather than the answering. So, it's not like I don't care about other people's problems, but I don't know the right things to say. Anyway, I'm sorry about your leaving. Hope you'll at least stop back from time to time.

I agree with Maria... I'm pretty new here and I haven't seen any of your posts yet. I must have gotten here right after you went away for a bit.

I try and get here almost every day now. I helped start the daily check in we're doing. Join in with us here, if you'd like?

I'm sorry you didn't feel supported. :( There are several of us who are new and I'm sure you'll notice it's a bit different now? At least I hope so.

((((Hugs)))))

Hope you'll stick around. ~ Sly :)

p.s. the zaps....are you tapering off of something? what AD are you on? i'm on effexor, and only get that feeling (but not very strong) if i miss a dose of it....

fondly and my best wishes,
dakota
I'm on Effexor and Wellbutrin. I thought it was due to being late with doses, but for several weeks I was taking my meds exactly on time, exactly every twelve hours, and I was still getting zaps... they were mild, but still annoying. Some of the really bad zaps I've had lately can't be from being late with my meds either; I've had them even on days I take my meds on time. A couple of years ago I asked a doctor about it (in the clinic I worked at) and he thought it was most likely an illness issue rather than a medication issue. He did admit he didn't know a great deal about depression and he'd never heard of zaps before.

BTW, I don't hate my "father". I don't care about him in any way at all. I only put it in quotations because as far as I am concerned he is nothing. My real dad was my mom's dad. My mom's parents always treated me as a fifth daughter.

well i feel the same way sometimes. i post my thoughts and try to post some replies to be helpful only feeling very unhelpful and useless.

i tend to come and go also. just cause i dont' think anyone cares about me or what i think at all in this world. who care what i write if i dont' care about myself. its a vicious cycle.

Mokie - :wave:
I CARE!!!! I look for you and try to resond to your posts when I see them. I was wondering how the painting class is going!!
:angel:

Imagine - please don't go.....stick around. sometimes people don't respond to my posts either, we just can't take it personally!
:angel:

This is my third time attempting to post this :mad:

Sannah--I did post a reply to you, but somehow it got lost, and now I can't remember everything I typed. :mad: I'll try to re-create...

My brother had Down syndrome and was always a bit of a fire-bug. My father said he'd gone out to clear ice from the driveway and when he heard the smoke detector he "thought it was like that time before with the stove". I'm not too sure what that meant, but my guess is that my brother started a small fire with the stove one time. I would also guess that to be the reason he locked my brother in his room. He lied to firefighters and said he couldn't remember if the door had been locked or not; it was open when they got there and they couldn't prove it had been locked when the fire started. His father later (years later) told me the door was locked, but I didn't really need that to confirm what I believed. My father also said he tried to go into my brother's room to get him out, but he was overwhelmed by the smoke so he "went outside for a breath of fresh air". (Everyone I've told this to has been absolutely horrified and wondered what kind of "person" my father is.)

I raised my brother for almost six years; I didn't have a choice after my mom left. She left us with my father because he threatened to kill her if she took us. She had every reason to believe him. And she thought we would be safe with him; she never thought he would hurt us in anyway. But he was (and still is I'm sure) a miserable human being who feels the need to spread the misery as much as possible. With my mom gone I was next in line to be the victim of his misery. He only verbally abused me (he abused my mom in every way possible), but I think I would have preferred to be hit. At least those wounds would have healed.

Losing my brother is the worst of it. Everything else pales in comparison. I've suffered from depression my entire life (even as a child) but I wasn't officially diagnosed until a year after my brother died. And no amount of medication or therapy can help. Therapy doesn't do me any good. I've tried it; I gave it more than a year with my last psychiatrist. The medications help but only to a certain extent. I still have major episodes. I feel there is no point in talking about what bothers me because in the end it all comes back to losing my brother. And to be honest I've accepted his death... and I know that he is still with me; I can't see him or hear him but I can feel him. I'm not sure what I'm still so hung up on... perhaps the way he died, or perhaps the fact that my father is 100% responsible (his own father says the same thing). I don't know. So why talk about it? I have no contact with my father, haven't for several years now. He's nothing to me.

Reachout... you're right, of course. I was feeling sorry for myself. The last few days I haven't been feeling very well (beating myself in the head certainly didn't help :rolleyes: ). I really was intending to stop posting, but I've thought about it and I think I'll stick around. I don't think I can really heal, though. I just have to learn to live with things as they are right now, because I think this is as good as it gets for me.

Thanks also to everyone else who posted... even_sly, sunshine... mokie, zoe, Maria, CSense, rosequartz. :angel:

Hello Imagine

Well, I may not post here often, but you have lured ME back. Ironic, huh??
Big Chuckles!

Your last post has made me want to share a personal story concerning my healing from this latest episode of deep clinical depression. I am totally out of it, consider myself totally healed of it.

I don't think I can really heal, though. I just have to learn to live with things as they are right now, because I think this is as good as it gets for me.

Once again, I will call you on the carpet again, because I have all faith that you can and are going to be able to move past depression and into a happy and joyous life again. Oh, it is no picnic getting there and involves lots of steps, but for today I share one therapuetic tool from my belt.

Hypnotherapy. Now, don't get nervous... it is not as hokey as I once believed. It is really just quietly going back into our subconscious and finding what event there is controlling a conscious act we want to change. It is really just deep, quiet relflection, that's all. Then using what we discover in our reflections to help us.

He only verbally abused me (he abused my mom in every way possible), but I think I would have preferred to be hit. At least those wounds would have healed.


Ummm.. your reflections and sharing this on the board show you have already spent time reflecting on your own hurt and where at least part of it comes from. I do believe you when you say you have come to a peaceful place about your brother. And I do believe you when you say you hold your father responsible. The part where I start having doubts is that he is 'nothing to you." Honey, of course he is something to you. He is your father! As a female, I KNOW how much we have a desire for our fathres to love us. Of COURSE the wounds have not healed for you? How could they? Not by magic, that is for sure. So what healing action do you take from this point for yourself?

Well, I could say that if your hurt caused by him has ruled the first half of your life, why dignify it by letting it rule the second half of your life? It would be a valid point, but how do you get there? The honest truth, honest truth, is that I think it can only happen when you are able to forgive him.

How can you possibly forgive him? I would have to ask you to take a BIG step here and walk in his shoes for a moments (something he was not able to do for you obviously). Yes, he locked your brother in his room and it probably not a step any of us would take at this point in time. It must have been a pretty desperate step even for him to take as a parent. No one to leave him with and something to take care of. And crap, the truth is, I would have probably totally panicked and maybe even lied at first to the cops. As a parent, it may be very well be that he DID try to get into your brother's room and when the smoke became too much, self preservation set in and he ran out to gulp air. Can you at least see this as a possibility? Can you have any room for doubt left in you to see it as a possibility. I am not excusing or condoning his behavior, nor asking you to try and have a relationship with him (although that would truly be a delightful turn of events). I am asking you if you can find it within yourself to forgive him in your heart so that you can move on in your life.

Reflect on this... no obligations here for you to respond to me at all. Just please reflect on this. It would be a proactive step in finding your own way to recovery and ultimately to happiness and joy.

I docare a lot... more than you can "Imagine."

reachout

Hi Imagine, so you don't think that you can heal, huh? So you are going to let "circumstances" win. I am a fighter for everything, my dignity, my mental health, my children, you name it. You are going to throw the towel in? I don't think that your brother would be happy to know that you have given up. Yes, I do think that you are holding on to something here...but what? Wanting your father to pay for what he has done? You have a lot to be angry for, your mom left, your dad was cruel in mistreating your mother and you and you lost your beloved brother. Anger will destroy you though, every last fiber of you. You can continue on the way you have nursing your anger or you can make a decision to choose to live.

Hi Imagine,
When I first read your post I knew right away you were angry about something, and not really about the boards. It seemed like it was reach out for support, and I'm happy to see you are getting just that.
Reading your story, I almost dont know what to say. Not something alot of us can relate to, wow!!!
I know you said you've accepted your brothers death, I agree it makes sense that you may still be struggling with the way it happened. And the fact that there was no justice for him losing his life so tragically. Your father is still alive and well and making you miserable. Of course that would be intensely frustrating. I'm sure you're also grieving the loss of "a" mother, not necessarily "your" mother, but "a" mother. That protective caring that comes from a mother for her children. You were obviously that for your brother....and I'm sure raising a child with down syndrom had many challenges, I admire and respect you taking on that role and giving your brother the love you may not have felt you were getting yourself. You were his protector, maybe this is part of why you're having so much difficulty with this, because of the way he died. In which case, if that's the case (I dont know here, just speculating)...then sadly, your father is obviously to blame but it seems you have paid the price, as it has practically devastated your life. You need to try to at least live the best and most peaceful life you can, for yourself and also for your brother. I'm sure he would want that for you.
I have no siblings, so I cannot imagine losing one, much less it being at the hands of my own father. No wonder you have so many emotions...there are so many issues to address. I wish you peace with this, although I know it will be a long time coming.

On a different note, I would like to add about the "posting" issues, it's good actually that this came up. I also post, mostly with Sannah and Dakota, because they both respond regularly to me. Some others will here and there, but usually just to thank me for a response I have given to them. Not to my posts on my own issues.
The one thing that is wonderful here, is that there are no "strings" and no "expectations". (Not just talking to you here Imagine, but everyone). When we start to make each other feel guilty for not responding to messages, then we are starting to apply pressure on each other. That's not what this place is about. We get enough of that in our daily lives. This is somewhere we can all come freely, when we have time. And yes, some people just click, purely by the nature of their problems and how they relate. It's kinda like school.....there's a ton of people, they all see each other every day, but they dont all "speak" to each other, they talk in smaller groups. And that's okay.
Although I recognize most of the names on here, I couldnt honestly tell you on the spot, what each persons issues are, because there are so many people here, and unless you are going back and forth constantly, you cant possibly remember everyone's problems. So I say lets just keep on supporting each other as best we can.....lets not take things personally, because after all, we are here to offer support, not to create more issues for each other.

And one more thing "ImagineLennon" about your original intention for this post.....as the Beatles sang....."You say goodbye, and I say HELLO". Glad to see you will keep posting and I will look forward to getting to know you better!!!

Wishing you all much peace and love,
Carsam:wave:

You were his protector, maybe this is part of why you're having so much difficulty with this, because of the way he died.

Excellent point Carsam!

I don't "know" you Imagine, but I hope you'll stay. I sometimes come here to read because so many of the posts give me hope, strength and encouragement. There's usually no advice I can give but I can learn. I was thinking today that we each have so many issues in our lives, for instance, I post and read in several other areas of this board because my mother is ill and suffers from several things, one of which is depression. She's on Lexapro. My brother is a quadriplegic and an amazing man and between my mother and myself we help him with his needs. I have a daughter who nearly died from an eating disorder, so I peek in over there too. My husband is an alcoholic who was in rehab a few years ago but who is drinking on occasion again so I pretty much know how that will end. I have "female" issues and may be having surgery to help that. You just can't make this stuff up! Anyway, I guess I'm trying to say that we all have so many things going on and so many areas of this board that may apply to us. I too felt ignored at times but then I thought that maybe we all have so much going on in our lives that it takes time for someone to notice us. Does that make any sense at all?

I'm on Effexor and Wellbutrin. I thought it was due to being late with doses, but for several weeks I was taking my meds exactly on time, exactly every twelve hours, and I was still getting zaps... they were mild, but still annoying. Some of the really bad zaps I've had lately can't be from being late with my meds either; I've had them even on days I take my meds on time. A couple of years ago I asked a doctor about it (in the clinic I worked at) and he thought it was most likely an illness issue rather than a medication issue. He did admit he didn't know a great deal about depression and he'd never heard of zaps before.

BTW, I don't hate my "father". I don't care about him in any way at all. I only put it in quotations because as far as I am concerned he is nothing. My real dad was my mom's dad. My mom's parents always treated me as a fifth daughter.

hi imagine,
hmmm. if you're still having those "electrical short-circuits" (that's what i call them) going on, even though you take your meds on time without missing any doses, AND you haven't spoken to any drs. about them for a while, please do!!! i hope you had or will have a general check-up, imagine, since you never know. you just want to put your mind at ease, since this seems to bother you a lot these days, and it even makes you hit your head for crying out loud. it's not something to be taken lightly. if i were you, i'd go to a neurologist, or get a referral to see one, to have an MRI or a CT-scan done, just to rule out anything--there's no harm in that. that would def. take a load off my mind. something to think about?

sorry about saying that about your dad, and for sounding so harsh. i now understand you better. you say your mom's parents were like your real parents for you. well, dear imagine, until i was about 10 years old, i lived with my mother's parents too! and every therapist i went to, whenever i talked about that part of my life, has always told me that they--my grandparents were my first "set" of parents for me. so yes, i know what it means and how it feels. and i loved them so very much!!!!! you know, i nevre managed to make such bonds with my parents as i had with my grandparents? i think and i believed i tried my best, but besides (perhaps) my being incapable of doing so, my mom has a very strong and domineering personality and she is rather difficult, at times, to get close to. our personalities are also different and we can't really spend more than one hour together before something "comes up" and then we both get upset....in different ways, but nevertheless....my father had a stroke 7 years ago that left him paralyzed on the right side and unable to eat (has one of those tubes in his stomach)....i guess it took that for me to make amends with my father. whatever may have happened before, whatever animosity there may have been between us, it's all gone now, imagine. it's gone and forgiven and forgotten. my father is skin and bones now. he's suffering more than i can even let myself think about....i get depressed just going to see him most of the time. sometimes i think and ask myself why did making amends and becoming friends, and being genuinely caring of each other start happening only when things got really bad, you know? i don't know the answer....
i don't really know much anymore...

anyway, i've rambled on enough now. better stop here.

p.s. i agree with some of the things reachout and carsam said about your past. but, we ALL need some love now and then. and now you need some more than other times...

hugs,
D

I have been here for a long time with a couple of breaks here and there. This board seems to go through a complete switch every six months or so and we have lost some people who really contributed to a positive atmospere. I don't respond to a lot of topics because I can not relate, I am on the bottom rungs of depression and can not relate to people going through a short term depressive episode. Then there are the days where I have so much going on inside of my head I have to completly ignore this site to keep myself somewhat safe. There are people here who seem to go way out of there way to help. Dakota and Sannah have probaly saved my life more then once. I am going to make a promise to become more involved with this site again and I hope you will too

On the subject of the zaps I get them when I miss a dose. My sister started to get them when she always took the effexor on time and they finally figured out it was a sign to increase the med. Hope that helps a bit

take care
trg247

Hi Imagine, :wave:

I am fairly new to this site and want to apologise I have not seen any of your posts. I hope you will continue to keep posting as there are some people here that give some good advice and support. I have been told on many occasions that I am a very good listener and I am good at giving advice to others but not so good at taking it myself. I hope that I will get the opportunity to respond to you where I havent unfortunately been able to before.

I dont know if you post on the grief and loss section of this healthboards as well but I have started that to as a lot of my problems stem from the fact that I have lost four people really important to me in a very short time.

Please keep posting.

Warm wishesx:)

Dakota and Sannah have probaly saved my life more then once.

Wow, Trg, I had no idea!

Offering more support Imagine. Stay and keep posting. I have been through so much and may be coming out of it......with thanks to Sannah. <:angel:

Ryan! I have thought about you a couple of times and wondered how you were doing! How are you?

how are you doing today, imagine?
i hope not too bad?!!:angel:

That was a LOT of reading…

Okay, here goes:

reachout: I also believe in hypnotherapy. I used to date someone who was a hypnotist. Unfortunately I can’t get a hold of him, though I’ve tried.

Honey, of course he is something to you. He is your father! As a female, I KNOW how much we have a desire for our fathers to love us. I know it’s hard to believe but he really IS nothing. He was NEVER there when I was little and he was STILL NEVER there after my mom left… I never had any use for him even as a small child; even my mother would tell you that and she tried to get me to see past his faults because he was my father. She always told me “you should love him because he’s your father”. Believe me, I’ve TRIED. He wouldn’t let me. Every time I tried I got what I call the emotional equivalent of a kick in the face. When I had my cast on from a fracture above my knee he made me mad and I kicked him in the face—this was in the early seventies before they had all these nice light fibre glass casts (or whatever they’re made of now). Back then they were heavy plaster. I have a few good memories, and I’ll hold onto them. The last straw was a Christmas card I got four and a half years after my brother died; he had signed my brother’s name to it (as he’d done with all cards since April 1997). I wrote and asked him not to and the letter I got back was so nasty… I’d had a bad day to begin with and that night I cut myself so badly I had to go for stitches.

And crap, the truth is, I would have probably totally panicked and maybe even lied at first to the cops. As a parent, it may be very well be that he DID try to get into your brother's room and when the smoke became too much, self preservation set in and he ran out to gulp air. Can you at least see this as a possibility? Yes, I have seen that as a possibility. But if you knew him the way my mother and I know him… we know how his mind works (pretty scary). He lied because he knew he would go to prison if they’d found the door locked. I don’t believe he tried to get in the room; I think he simply unlocked and opened the door and ran out the front door. Self-preservation aside, would you leave your only son to burn to death so you could live? I wouldn’t even leave my cats in a burning house. He did not suffer any smoke inhalation, though he said he did. He was not treated for it—that was even in the newspaper articles. If he’d had any smoke inhalation it would have caught up with him later; it didn’t. I’ve reflected a LOT about him and the conclusion I’ve come to is this: the best way for me to deal with him and NOT lose my sanity or be hurt by him ever again is to ignore him completely and cut him out of my life. I’m simply tired of trying with him. He is a bad person who thinks only of himself as he always has.

One final note about the fire: I’ve read many articles about house fires where someone was trapped inside and total strangers went in, suffered severe smoke inhalation AND burns (third degree in some cases) to save the person trapped. One man suffered third degree burns to something like 40% of his body to save a four-year-old little boy he didn’t know. That happened very shortly after my brother died. Also, there are cases of female cats and dogs suffering smoke and burns because they repeatedly went back in to save their babies… five or six kittens or puppies all carried out one by one. If a cat or dog can do it…

Sannah: Most likely the one thing that I am holding on to is the fact that he’s gotten away with it, as he has always gotten away with every nasty thing he’s ever done. I’d like to see him pay for it. He WILL pay for it, just not in the way I would like. People who don’t know him very well think what a wonderful father he was; every year he puts a memorial in the paper… I’d like for those people to know the truth.

He is a sick man; my grandfather sent him a cheque after selling his beach cabin. When he got the cancelled cheque back the endorsement on the back had been signed “G*** Russell J******”. Russell was my brother’s name. My father’s middle name is Ronald, after his father.

carsam: When I first read your post I knew right away you were angry about something, and not really about the boards. You are absolutely right, though I didn’t realize it at the time.

You were his protector, maybe this is part of why you're having so much difficulty with this, because of the way he died. In which case, if that's the case (I dont know here, just speculating)...then sadly, your father is obviously to blame but it seems you have paid the price, as it has practically devastated your life. Your speculations are right, though I never thought I was the one paying the price. That may be another thing I’m holding on to.

ricenbeanz: Does that make any sense at all? Yes, it does. I’m sorry to hear about the issues you’re dealing with. I don’t think it’s any better dealing with these things from the outside as it is from the inside. What I mean by that is you don’t suffer any of these illnesses yourself, so you’re dealing from the outside. Either way it’s no fun.

I'm going to have to do more than one post here.

Dakota: I did have a complete physical last month, but the “electrical short-circuits” weren’t really bad then. I had every intention of going to see my doctor again since they’ve gotten worse, but now they seem to have tapered off again. Maybe it was happening because I was more upset than I realized over my brother’s birthday? I don’t know. If it starts to happen like that again I’ll definitely make an appointment.

sorry about saying that about your dad, and for sounding so harsh. I didn’t think you sounded harsh at all. I don’t blame anyone for thinking I hate him; it sounds like I do sometimes, but I’m just blowing off a little steam so I can forget about him again for a while. To hate him would only hurt me and it’s a waste of too much energy that I just don’t have. I’m sorry to hear about your dad and I’m happy for you that now things are okay between you.

I’ve felt pretty much okay the past couple of days. I didn’t have any zaps yesterday, and so far none today either (keeping my fingers crossed :D).

trg247: My sister started to get them when she always took the effexor on time and they finally figured out it was a sign to increase the med. I really hope I don’t have to increase again! I’ve already made my Effexor doses confusing enough; I take a 75mg capsule and a 37.5mg capsule twice daily so it’s split into two even doses. My doctor and I decided that was better for me with the side effects. I suppose I could go to 150 and 150… I’m kind of scared to go too high with that one though.

Toffee: Please don’t apologise. It’s not necessary at all. I haven’t posted all that much for a while because threads started dying out when I did and I felt bad… not for me, but for the people who started those threads. It’s hard to explain what I was thinking, but I kind of felt like a leper. I think I posted once on the grief and loss board, but it was a long time ago. I can empathize with you; I lost three of the four most important people to me in a period of six years—my brother in 1997, my maternal grandfather in 2000 and my maternal grandmother in 2003.

Ryan: Thanks for posting! I’ll definitely stick around. When I started this I figured no one would really care much, but I see I was wrong about that.

And now I must be off to pick up my prescriptions… or should I say my “pharmacy”? :p

Hi Imagine

Your post was a great one. I think some more llike that could be so beneficial to you in getting things sorted out in your life. Depression and emotional pain are such torments and I am sorry that you are dealing with these things to such a high degree.

I understand everything you have written about your dad. I guess my hope was, that in finding a way to forgive him , it would assauge the rage in you about all that happened. Peace for you because you are who I have gotten to know a bit. I guess I think he also has a lot of rage about whatever inside of him and acts the way he does because of it. However, his issues and yours re very different in other ways and the most important job you have now is how to find your own way out of your own depression. In that, I have such hope and so many good wishes for you.

Hoping today brings you at least one small smile because of something nice you can see in life.

Hugs
reach

PS... there are a SLEW of socail workers who specialize in hypnotism... please don't depend on just one source as your help in this matter.

I did have a complete physical last month, but the “electrical short-circuits” weren’t really bad then. I had every intention of going to see my doctor again since they’ve gotten worse, but now they seem to have tapered off again. Maybe it was happening because I was more upset than I realized over my brother’s birthday? I don’t know. If it starts to happen like that again I’ll definitely make an appointment.

hi alex,

yes, i think that may have been the reason too, now that i can look back on your story. when things around me aren't going well, i get those damn migraines...so, i understand about how stress can make us feel physically...

i'm really glad you've been feeling better for the past couple of days!!! see, people on this board "jump" when someone's in need, or when someone feels bad. just gotta "holler" :)

like reachout said, is it possible for you to try and find someone else who specializes in hypnosis? i also think there are quite a few therapists out there who do!!!

btw, i'm also on effexor, and i'm taking 150mg. twice a day. i could take it all at once, since it's xl...but i prefer it this way. if you don't REALLY need to get to that level, i say don't go there...to tell you the truth, i don't think it makes much of a difference past the 225mg....

hope you're having a good day today!! :wave:

p.s. Also, there are cases of female cats and dogs suffering smoke and burns because they repeatedly went back in to save their babies… five or six kittens or puppies all carried out one by one. If a cat or dog can do it…

this paragraph really got to me!! it's soooo true!!!! God bless, Alex!!

I'll have to look around and see if I can find someone who does hypnosis... The reason I was thinking only of my friend is because he wouldn't be likely to charge me anything for it and he does tapes for people to play when they're sleeping. I had one a long time ago (for my temper) and it actually helped some. I've been wondering for a long time if there's something else that I've buried and "don't remember". That could explain a lot too.

Dakota: I just kind of remembered last night that I did have something else going on (and still do) that probably contributed to the major zaps I was having. It's a bit of a long story. About a year ago my boyfriend's youngest brother was having some problems with his girlfriend and he was asking me questions about mood swings and jealousy issues (which I do not have), etc. He got me to talk to her on-line (MSN) and offer advice if I could. I seem to be pretty good at that. Anyway, after that we chatted off and on and sort of became friends (even though I was twice her age last year).

In June I got a call from her fairly early one morning--she and her mom had been kicked out of her grandparents house (about an hour and a half south of Winnipeg) and were staying at the Salvation Army here in Winnipeg. I went and picked them up, took them for coffee and drove around showing them some of the city they hadn't seen. I think they were only here a couple of days before they found someone to stay with and went back out of town. (My boyfriend's brother broke up with her permanently in July.) I'm a little confused on what happened next, but the girl (I'm going to call her Amy) ended up staying with another friend (I'll call her Christine) in Steinbach. In September sometime Amy messaged me from her dad's in Ontario; she'd been staying there for close to a month and wanted to come home early, but she had no way of getting back to Steinbach. We made arrangements and I picked her up at the airport and she stayed with us for a few days. Then I drove her home. Shortly after she started to complain about problems she was having with Christine; she apparently wanted Amy to pay $500 a month rent and she was only allowing Amy to sleep on the floor. There were some other things and it was making things difficult for Amy (she suffers anxiety and a bit of depression). I talked to my boyfriend and we offered to let her stay with us until she could find a place of her own. I drove out to Steinbach (about an hour) to pick her up and bring her here, and she had to go back a few days later for a doctor's appointment. I drove her around to give out resumes and I drove her to her interviews. My boyfriend signed for her cell phone (we just changed the contract from Christine's name to his).

Having her here was really hard on me (both my doctor and my best friend were concerned when I told them). Just when I was starting to get used to having her here and I was settling down she decides she's going to move back to Christine's. Then we get a bill for $241.76. She paid $15.00 on it right away and was waiting for a cheque so she could pay the rest. Next thing we know we've got another bill (following month) for $383.38 and a disconnection notice. Plus we're trying to get her to have the contract changed over to someone else because my boyfriend has a spotless credit record. She did get the application for that taken care of, but the phone company sent us a letter saying the balance had to be paid in full first. They gave us until May 11 and then the application would be void. The next bill was up to $448.87 and there was another disconnection notice. Every time I talked to her all she could say was "I'm trying". Well, we ended up paying the bill by Visa just so we could get the contract changed; we just couldn't wait for her to do it. Why she kept using the phone knowing she couldn't pay the bill is beyond everyone, but just before we got the bill for $448.87 my boyfriend had it disconnected. She was supposed to come to where I was working and leave the phone with me (because I didn't trust her), but she went behind my back and came to the house first and talked my bf into letting her keep it (he cut her way too much slack!).

So then I find out that everything she told me about Christine was a lie. She'd gotten a cheque from social services when her bill was at $383.38 and said she was going to pay the bill (and I had to find out about the cheque she got from Christine). I found out she used that cheque to buy clothes and fast food (she certainly didn't need clothes; she bought a whole bunch when she first came here). She'd tell me one thing about borrowing money from someone and then I'd hear something completely different from my boyfriend's brother (that she told him). She'd get caught in the lies (with proof) and she'd change the subject. And it just keeps going on and on. The last messages I got from her she said she didn't want to talk to me about it anymore, she would talk to the person she owes "(ie. not you!)". She said she doesn't owe me s***. I got those messages the day before my brother's birthday... as if I didn't have enough to stress me out! She has no choice in dealing with me because my boyfriend has left it to me. He's got enough stress without having to hassle her for money (another thing is that she's dumber than a bag of hammers... seriously. She didn't know what an adolescent was :rolleyes: ). Those last messages really made me angry :mad: . OMG, I was seeing red and getting zapped every few seconds for about half an hour.

All this because I tried to help someone. Won't be doing that again.

hi alex,

i understand!!! had sometihng similar happen to me, but i wont' go into details. the woman never gave me back any of the $$ i 'lended" her. she 'tried' and i was naive enough to believe that she may just do it, you know, because i thought she will, one fine day, finally find a job...but, i didn't realize there were personality issues there, where she could not stay employed for longer than a few months at at time, since she always got into disputes with her bossess. and i was more naive, bec. the woman was actually oder than me (i was in my early 30's at the time, and i basically found out later that she used me, what can i say). yes, it made me feel like crap, but i didn't let it stew inside me for long, bec. i knew that i'd be hurting only ME, not her. (in the long term, she had her house foreclosed on, and her brother ended up having to help her relocate--he actually bought her a smaller house somewhere upstate, here in ny, and she was lamenting having to give up on the house where she grew up and where her parents and grandparents lived...well...)....live and learn...and the $$$ here--well, over the years, (i'm thinking of it now, as if i gave to charity, which in a way, i did), came out to a few thousand $.... but i really learned a lesson there, alex..and a big one too..

you were extremely kind and generous to give this girl shelter and to let her use the telephone in your bf's name. but, what you didn't realize was that she was, perhaps a manipulater, and she seems to be a pathological lier. in a way, she'd have to be, to get by-so, why would she care what consequences there will be to other people's misfortunes. she's perhaps too underdeveloped emotionally and mentally to understand any form of goodwill from others or consequence of her actions. fact is, she won't be able to do anything to pay back. she indulged herself with the little money she had, instead of doing what other people would've done in this case....and respectfully pay back her debts!!!!

so, i can see how her messasges coupled with the day just before your brother's passing must have gotten to you!!! i get that way too, as i said to you once before. a lot of environmental stress and tension always gets to me, in a physical way, when i get upset. thank your lucky stars your bf finally disconnected her, and that's that. you've had enough. i think this was a lesson, just like mine was. and i know how it feels. well, i don't know if you'll ever get paid back....but truth be told, i'm not sure. just do what i did. as hard as it may be, put it behind you, dear alex, bec. that's the only way to go, the only way to go forward, without making yourself go crazy. and i think you already did that. so, i think you're on your way, and i definitely agree with you when you said this was an issue that could have made those "zaps" more intense for you.

i hope you won't lose your "good feelings" that you've described you started having for the last few days! :) i'm really glad for you. i'm glad when someone in "my shoes," that is, another person with depression, manages to feel better, bec. i know how crappy it is to feel most of the time. this whole scenario, just goes to show us, how our surroundings can affect us, big time!!! we are all sensitive people, esp. us, depressed folk, and we take thing to heart in ALL ways, much too much than others do.

i do hope this is water under the bridge for you, alex.
i hope you'll contiue to post moments and events from your past that you believe or think may have caused you upset. that is--to vent. it's good for the soul!!

wishing you a bright and sunny day, alex.
God bless, my friend!!!! :angel:
d.

Thanks for sharing your experience, Dakota. It super-sucks when someone takes advantage of your kindness. I guess the other thing that gets to me is that I was used so badly by a 17-year-old little girl. I just turned 35 and my boyfriend is 26 (but emotionally much older... we both forget how old he is and sometimes think he's closer to my age). I don't think it was her intention to have things end up the way they have. Perhaps at first all she wanted was someone to help her get out of the situation she was in. And maybe she even thought she could get back together with my bf's little brother if she lived with us (thank goodness he's too smart for that).

I finally caught up with her on-line yesterday and I got some more answers out of her. They weren't really any better than "I'm trying", but at least she finally told me the truth and admitted the mistakes she's made. She "doesn't know" why she spent the money she got on clothes instead of paying her bill--she "made a mistake", and she "doesn't always make the right choices". :rolleyes: She "doesn't know" why she continued to use the phone knowing she couldn't pay the bill--she "made a mistake", and she "didn't think" :rolleyes: . She "doesn't know" why she lied to me so much--she "made a mistake". :rolleyes: She doesn't have any better answers than that, and about that I believe her.

Anyway, she's been babysitting (she "not allowed" to work for medical reasons :rolleyes: . Oh yeah, forgot to mention she's a hypochondriac too--she claims she throws up everything she eats and has been for a couple of months; I'll find out how true that is when I see her) and she'll be getting paid on June 1. I told her last week or the week before that she had until 11:59pm on May 31 to pay back every cent she owes; if she didn't then on June 1 I was going to go and file charges (I threatened to have her charged with fraud, and I really could, but I was only going to file with small claims court--too bad Judge Judy doesn't live here! :D). Since I've been given an actual date of when she'll have money I'll extend the deadline a week (haven't told her that). If she can find a ride to Winnipeg she'll come here; I told her she is to bring the phone and chargers with her. It is still in my boyfriend's name for some reason so we're taking it away from her. We're stuck paying out the contract until next July so the phone will be mine until then. I told her even if she gives us $50.00 to start it's at least a start and it'll prove to us that she actually is going to make the effort to pay it all back. If I have to go out there to pick it up then she has to pay for our gas (it's way too expensive :eek: for us to just go driving around where ever we want!) on top of the money she owes for the phone.

I understand why you just gave it up as a lost cause--your user was older and not likely to learn any lessons. Mine is young enough to learn and I will not give up until she pays it all. If I have to take her to court I will. If I have to have her wages garnished I will. She has to learn that she can't do that to people, especially when they are trying to help her. Who wants to help someone who won't help themselves?! And I can guarantee this is one little girl who will never do this to anyone else!

I forgot to mention how much my meds were when I picked them up. New Pharmacare year so we have to pay until the deductible is paid (and I don't even know how much that is yet). It all came to :eek: ....$515.24.... :eek:

I know that's low compared to what some people pay, but it was a big shock for us! Ouchies.

hi alex,
kudos to you for not giving up on this girl!!! you are a good "mother figure" for her (where are her parents anyway?)--not saying you're her mother, but, you know what i mean. and it seems like she's "open" to input so far, so who knows...she may just learn an extremely good lesson here. and, like you said, $50 is a good start!! hopefully, she will continue with that. it's too bad about the phone though; hate these contracts!!! the girl has no answers b/c she's 17... of course, she's going to buy clothes, instead of pay back her dues...but, i think you got to her and most likely scared her when you mentioned court. in a way i'm sorry, and i know you are too, and that's why you are very understanding of her. but, you've been extremely nice and you're right about taking the opportunity to teach a lesson here. my person was much older and God bless her, she was beyond teaching anything. she had fixed ideas, i mean FIXED...nobody could teach her anything. but, i'm not even dwelling on that anymore...

i'm a year older than you :) well, you said you just turned 35. i turned 36 in oct. last year...so (crap), i'm probably 2 years older....:(

oh yeah, i know all about rising costs...it's really disgusting. i was actually so disgusted just the other day thinking about managed care. i can't begin to tell ya!!! how some other party, who has no freakin' idea what's going on with my body--is actually guiding my care and "manages " who i can see and what i can do, and what meds i could take, and so forth...give me a break!!!!

anyway, i'm hoping for a good, enjoyable day, both for you and for me, and for everybody in our shoes today.

till next time,
d.

I had a good day today. I went for a job interview, and I'm really interested in the posistion. I feel REALLY good about how the interview went! There were two people interviewing me: the supervisor of the posistion I applied for and a man from the human resources department. I think they were impressed with my answers and I know that man (cannot for the life of me remember what his job title was) was super impressed with my resume. Of the people they've interviewed they've narrowed it down to five choices. :bouncing: I think I'm one of the five. :bouncing: I'll find out Monday by the end of the day if I get it or not. They're even calling those who don't get the posisition.

I'd have to say you're only six months older than I am. October is six months from April, when my birthday is. Hell, we're almost the same age! :D

So, I'm feeling a LOT better since my interview and I'm really excited... I hope I get it. I'll have to remember the people I met with in my prayers :angel: !

I will also be remembering those of you who have helped this past week. For those who aren't doing so well right now I will pray that they have the strength to hold on and help themselves rise above their difficulties.

And you, Dakota. I will remember you in my prayers as I am so thankful for everything you have done this past week to help me out.

:D My big 20lb male cat is sitting next to me cleaning his paw and snorting like a little piggy! LMAO! Ah, but he's my baby; my boy.

Hi Alex,
Glad to hear you are sounding so well!!!! And best of luck with the job!!! You sound great!!!

Carsam:wave:

Lennon, you sound great! Let us know what happens.

hi alex,
good news, indeed! wishing you much luck with the job!!! i hope you will get it!! and i want to thank you very much for your prayers. that means a lot to me!!! more than you can even imagine (no pun intented).

i also have a male cat. he's my "big baby" too. he's the best in the whole, wide world!!!!

keep up the good work, girl!! :wave: :angel: :angel: :angel:

Hello Imagine

I was just thinking about you and wondering how you are? Did you hear about the job yet? It is always exciting to know an interview went well. It says a lot for you that you can feel some confidence that you interviewed well. Smiles.

It is good to see you sharing. To be able to share the sadnesses in lives with others and in turn share others is a very cathargic deal. It helps us to understand how not alone we are in the world.

Just want to wish you a good day.
Be healthy
reachout

I will find out on Monday about the job. I'll definitely let you know!

how are you doing, alex?

i just want to say hi and hope you're ok!!

wishing you a great sunny day!!!

blessings!:angel:

I'm okay. I've been kind of up and down the last few days, but nothing major.

Haven't heard about the job yet.

How is everyone else doing?

hi alex,

i understand about the ups and downs. we've all been there, and many people would understand too. in any case, i am truly sorry!!! don't worrry about that job. if you don't get this one, you'll get another one. no need to waste energy thinking about it.

i've been having a terrible migraine today. it's been raining here all day and the weather is a trigger for that. besides that, i've also been feeling somewhat down for the past few days. i'm just so tired of these downs, i wish i can just hit my head against the wall, and pass out already. the migraines made me cry. the imitrex didn't help, and i've been taking OTC pills like there's no tomorrow (i can't take too much imitrex, as you know, and i now must wait a few hours to take another one--i take the 50mg tablets). i've even gone to sleep after taking the pill, thinking it would help, but i woke up and the pain was still there.

i'm supposed to go to philadelphia tomorrow (my day off) to see the "king tut" exhibit there at the franklin institute science musem. supposed to meet my SO as well, as he's been there since thurs. for a conference on science and religion. his mother's supposed to go too--she's in harrisburg, PA. i hope to God that this pain will pass by tomorrow morning, because i'd have to take the long island rail road to penn station, then the amtrak to philly (amtrak only takes 1 and 1/2 hours to get there, but still.....).

i'm wishing you better days ahead. take care of yourself alex!!!!!:angel:

How did your trip to Philly go, Dakota? I completely understand about migraines. Mine are brought on by stress and I don't get them often, but I know how incredibly painful they can be. My boyfriend gets them also--I've seen him laying in bed with a cold cloth on his forehead crying from the pain. That only happens if the migraine starts while he's at work and he doesn't have any painkillers of any kind to at least hold it off a little. When he gets them that badly he can't stand even the smallest amount of light and I have to move around carefully, closing doors between him and the light. The only pain I know of that even comes close to that of a migraine is severe sinus pain. I've had that also and I honestly can't tell which one is worse.

I hope today finds you feeling much better. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. :angel:

hi alex,

i didn't end up going to philadelphia. i explained it all on the thread "If..." (think it's on pg. 10, if you ever want to read the saga). i'm sorry for what i've said on there, bec. i've gotten to exchange some bad words with sannah, of all people!!! can you imagine? anyway, it's ok now. i never thought i'd ever get into such arguments on here, and i never really intended to, but things happen even in cyberspace...

thanks for your words. i feel better (with my head) for the past two days. it's good that you get those pains only once in a while!!!!!!! at least you can understand your mate! i don't have anyone in my family suffering from migraines and nobody really understands, but they're trying to be kind whenever i have them.

i hope your day is going well today. be good to yourself!! hugs

how have you been doing, alex?

i hope you'll have a good, if not great weekend ahead!!

hugs to you! :angel:

Thanks for asking, Dakota. I've been pretty much okay. I didn't get the job I interviewed for, and I had a chance at another interview, but they'd already hired someone else. The manager that was calling me didn't know that another manager had already filled the position. :rolleyes: No communication in these places...

BUT some good news: One of my former employers called and asked if I'd be willing to work some relief hours while holidays are being taken. I absolutely loved that job and I absolutely love the office manager! She's been so good to me and so understanding of the problems I did have earlier in the job (it was anxiety caused by another employee, but once she was gone everything was great)! I had a couple of break-downs because of this one employee and tried to quit but Karen (office manager) wouldn't let me. She made me stay in her office for around 45 minutes until I'd calmed down enough to be able to talk. She's amazing! I'd give up anything to work for her!

And how have you been Dakota? I hope things are getting better for you (I just skimmed the other thread without really reading it). Let me know, I'm interested in how you are doing.

And now I think I need to start a new thread... different topic (and very strange for me to be thinking of it). I need to think about it for a while and figure out what I want to say and how I want to say it.

Imagine,

As someone who wishes to become a psychologist one day, I am hoping that I have not been a member when your posts were not responded to. With that said, this is one of those instances that I cannot compare myself to. But realize for a second that, with all that's happened in your life, you are still here. Alive and functioning. All of these feelings are scars left unhealed from horrible things that you went through. These might not go away 100%, but it only proves how amazingly strong you are as a person to have survived, and you should be proud of that.

So I am pleased to see that you have given us one more chance to show that we mean well, whether you felt that way before or not, and while I cannot promise that I go to this website everyday, I will try to keep an eye out for your feelings, as well as everyone else's.

hi alex,
foggedabout it!!! DON'T WORRY about that job, hon, cuz if anyone knows of LACK OF COMMUNICATION in the workplace it's moi!!! yup. i do. and it makes me so angry sometimes, and so stressed, that i can't hold it in anymore, so i just HAVE to talk to one of my two super-bosses (that's what i call them, instead of supervisors ;) it works for a while, then it goes back to the way it was....

anyway, you go for that job, girl!!! go for what you loved and especially if you had somebody who stuck by you there. i've learned over the years that's one of the MOST IMPORTANT things to have!!!!! and if something else comes along, you'll think about that when the time comes. so, no stresses there!!!!

i'm hanging in there alex. day by day, you know how it is. some days better, some days not too great. but it's life.

so, i'm looking forward to your new thread, whatever the topic may be.
wishing you good days ahead!!
hugs
D