NVD
05-18-2007, 04:12 AM
Hi all. I am really, really needing a release right now, and unfortuntately, it's too damn late to call the therapist, or anyone else at that matter. I'm trying to stay strong, and fight the fight, and walk myself through the need to cut, and I'm trying to take each second as it comes...but damn, it's been a rough day.
You know, I used to believe quotes such as "God will never give you more than you can handle", or "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger", or "Time heals all wounds", and all the other hokey quotes that are used to try and help a person going through a hard time, feel somewhat better. But right now, they just sound and feel so ridiculous, and like a bunch of BS! If God doesn't give us more than we can handle, why is it that just taking another breath, and then another, is currently more than I feel capable of handling? I've gone through these emotions time and time and time again...I don't feel any stronger. I feel weaker now than I ever have. More desperate, more hopeless, more depressed, more angry, more like throwing in the towel and giving up. Where's the strength at? I'm just not seeing or feeling it right now, and haven't all day. And I've learned over and over again that time does NOT heal all wounds...time makes the wounds easier to cope with, but eventually the wounds seem to open back up. The wounds will never be fully healed.
My husband and I have been taking some classes together. This weeks lesson was by Rick Warren, and was "Letting go of past hurts, and forgiving the ones who hurt us, so we can live in harmony". Great! I figured it can't be a better time, since these are the very things that I'm struggling with right now. He made a lot of sense, but unfortunately, some of the things, I don't think I can ever accomplish. I don't feel capable of letting go of the past hurts, and I sure as hell don't feel capable of forgiving the ones who hurt me the most. Does this make me an evil person? Will I ever be able to live in "harmony" because the hurts, and the hang-ups, and the unforgiveness is playing such a huge role in my life right now? I don't think that just because I can't forgive the man who raped me time in and time out, makes me an evil person, but sure does reduce the chances of living in any type of harmony... what ever that is. I left the class feeling quite inadequate, and down. This was last night.
Today, I woke up with a horrible attitue towards life. I just didn't want it. I didn't want to admit that it's another long 24 hours to get through. I didn't want to spend another day, walking myself through each and every minute, and questioning if each moment is worth the battle. I didn't want another day filled with all the emotions-sadness, fear, anger, helplessness, hopelessness, and the like. That's just the way it was when I woke up, and couldn't get out of the rut. I fell asleep around 3:30am, my son woke up around 5:00, and my daugter woke up at 6:15. I'm assuming only getting two hours of sleep had a big part of that attitude, but considering that most days I'm only averaging 3-4 hours of broken sleep per night, this wasn't a big deal. Some days start out easier, but get worse through out the day. Others start out worse, and get's a little easier through the day. Then you get days like today...starts out bad, and continues to get worse. A day where any improvement that you've made in recent history goes down the drain. A day where cutting feels like the only release. A day when you feel shame and dissapointment from friends and family because the only coping mechanism that feels available, and reliable is to do self harm, and even more and more shame from the outside world. A day when 24 hours seems like a never ending eternity. Today is one of those days, and I dread going to sleep, only to wake up tomorrow with the possibility of it being another day like today. After forcing myself to get up and moving, I ended up spending the entire day in the hospital with my two year old, for an unexplainable health condition she's been experiencing. Augh!
My daughters fifth birthday party is on Saturday, and my husband and her have invited every person they talk to. If they live and breathe, they are invited. While I'm excited that my daughter will have the big birthday bash that she deserves, and usually I would love to get toghether with this many people, I'm not sure if I'm ready to be this social right now, and I question...will I be happy during those hours? And if not, can I put on a good face? I don't want my emotional hang-ups to ruin her big day. Can I really entertain this many kids and adults (So far, 52 people have RSVPd), and keep the pressure low enough to where an imediate release is not needed? And if I do get to the point of a needed immediate release...where do I go, how do I do it, will I be able to function afterwards?? I just don't know anymore. I don't know what lessons I'm supposed to be taking from all this. I don't know why I can't beat this. Life is just hard today. Very, very hard. I need tomorrow to be a good day. I need to feel at least a pinch of hope and happiness. It's all I'm clinging to right now, and I can't let go of that.
Anyway, this is a lot longer than I expected it to be, but thanks again for listening. Maybe getting this off my chest will be the start of possibly having an emotionally stronger day tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day, and it has to be better.
NVD
You know, I used to believe quotes such as "God will never give you more than you can handle", or "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger", or "Time heals all wounds", and all the other hokey quotes that are used to try and help a person going through a hard time, feel somewhat better. But right now, they just sound and feel so ridiculous, and like a bunch of BS! If God doesn't give us more than we can handle, why is it that just taking another breath, and then another, is currently more than I feel capable of handling? I've gone through these emotions time and time and time again...I don't feel any stronger. I feel weaker now than I ever have. More desperate, more hopeless, more depressed, more angry, more like throwing in the towel and giving up. Where's the strength at? I'm just not seeing or feeling it right now, and haven't all day. And I've learned over and over again that time does NOT heal all wounds...time makes the wounds easier to cope with, but eventually the wounds seem to open back up. The wounds will never be fully healed.
My husband and I have been taking some classes together. This weeks lesson was by Rick Warren, and was "Letting go of past hurts, and forgiving the ones who hurt us, so we can live in harmony". Great! I figured it can't be a better time, since these are the very things that I'm struggling with right now. He made a lot of sense, but unfortunately, some of the things, I don't think I can ever accomplish. I don't feel capable of letting go of the past hurts, and I sure as hell don't feel capable of forgiving the ones who hurt me the most. Does this make me an evil person? Will I ever be able to live in "harmony" because the hurts, and the hang-ups, and the unforgiveness is playing such a huge role in my life right now? I don't think that just because I can't forgive the man who raped me time in and time out, makes me an evil person, but sure does reduce the chances of living in any type of harmony... what ever that is. I left the class feeling quite inadequate, and down. This was last night.
Today, I woke up with a horrible attitue towards life. I just didn't want it. I didn't want to admit that it's another long 24 hours to get through. I didn't want to spend another day, walking myself through each and every minute, and questioning if each moment is worth the battle. I didn't want another day filled with all the emotions-sadness, fear, anger, helplessness, hopelessness, and the like. That's just the way it was when I woke up, and couldn't get out of the rut. I fell asleep around 3:30am, my son woke up around 5:00, and my daugter woke up at 6:15. I'm assuming only getting two hours of sleep had a big part of that attitude, but considering that most days I'm only averaging 3-4 hours of broken sleep per night, this wasn't a big deal. Some days start out easier, but get worse through out the day. Others start out worse, and get's a little easier through the day. Then you get days like today...starts out bad, and continues to get worse. A day where any improvement that you've made in recent history goes down the drain. A day where cutting feels like the only release. A day when you feel shame and dissapointment from friends and family because the only coping mechanism that feels available, and reliable is to do self harm, and even more and more shame from the outside world. A day when 24 hours seems like a never ending eternity. Today is one of those days, and I dread going to sleep, only to wake up tomorrow with the possibility of it being another day like today. After forcing myself to get up and moving, I ended up spending the entire day in the hospital with my two year old, for an unexplainable health condition she's been experiencing. Augh!
My daughters fifth birthday party is on Saturday, and my husband and her have invited every person they talk to. If they live and breathe, they are invited. While I'm excited that my daughter will have the big birthday bash that she deserves, and usually I would love to get toghether with this many people, I'm not sure if I'm ready to be this social right now, and I question...will I be happy during those hours? And if not, can I put on a good face? I don't want my emotional hang-ups to ruin her big day. Can I really entertain this many kids and adults (So far, 52 people have RSVPd), and keep the pressure low enough to where an imediate release is not needed? And if I do get to the point of a needed immediate release...where do I go, how do I do it, will I be able to function afterwards?? I just don't know anymore. I don't know what lessons I'm supposed to be taking from all this. I don't know why I can't beat this. Life is just hard today. Very, very hard. I need tomorrow to be a good day. I need to feel at least a pinch of hope and happiness. It's all I'm clinging to right now, and I can't let go of that.
Anyway, this is a lot longer than I expected it to be, but thanks again for listening. Maybe getting this off my chest will be the start of possibly having an emotionally stronger day tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day, and it has to be better.
NVD