Good morning all. Figured I would start the Friday post. Today has started like any other day recently. Didn't get much sleep, thus hate having to drive into work. Once I get here I find out most of the ppl are going to lunch. One even gets invited in front of me, but no invite from me. I find out the ex is the one that started invites. So my guess is I am to be excluded from the little event. Lovely huh. Must say that isn't a great way to start the day. I also forgot to take my medicine as I ran out the door. So I'm going to head home at lunch and take it. I'm seriously thinking about just working from home the rest of the day after that. Can't say I feel like coming back after the work crew comes back from the lunch I wasn't invited to.

The past few days have been ok, but a lot of looking back. I've been talking to a lot of old friends lately. Some I haven't heard from since HS. It has been great reconnecting but has also brought back a flood of memories. Of happy times and also mistakes made. I'm glad to be in contact with them now and hope to see some of them this summer, but man I wasn't ready for all the memories and emotions.

As for tomorrow's party, I think I'm going to skip it. I would rather do nothing then worry myself about whether she will be there before and all during the party. I just don't know how to break it to my friend that I won't be there. Was going to tell him at lunch, but well that of course went away. I haven't been obsessed or wanting the ex back anymore. It is more a missing feeling and memories. Guess it is a sort of mourning and dealing with it all. I'm glad to be out of the phase I was in, but can't say I'm a fan of this one either heh.

I'm hoping today starts to improve. I figure once I'm out of the toxic environment here today it should. I def am going to hit the gym today. Skipped it last nt to relax and try and get some rest. I ended up still staying up late and wishing I had gone. Heck, I might go at lunch and hit it later tonight as well. I have a project due Monday here at work or I would just take the afternoon off instead of working from home.

Hope everyone is doing well.

I'm a social wallflower so I know what it's like to be left out of work lunches, etc. It feels bad, but when I'm invited I feel awkward and wish I had a viable excuse to get out of it. Life sucks. It sounds like your ex has a hand in your situation. I wish you didn't have the same employer. I can't imagine how difficult that must be. Sounds like she's playing mind games. Argh! :mad:

I'm 1 lb heavier than I was last Friday, and although I know this is "good" I'm disappointed with myself and feel fat. It's like there are 2 people in my head and that can't agree on anything.

Last night was Therapy Thursday, which went well. Today I'm stable (so far). We're expecting nice weather Saturday, but rain on Sunday. I'm looking forward to another weekend of no plans. I'm blowing off a friend's baby shower Sunday, but I did send a gift. I don't feel like being social yet.

I feel bad that a couple people posted we don't seem caring. Makes me embarassed, like I've been too caught up in my own life. Sorry if I've been shallow.

Ya it sux with the work thing. What really annoys me most about lunch is that it is my favorite place around, and that lil ^%& knows it. I actually had a co-worker come up and tell me it was crappy that I was invited. I talked to my boss and he said it would be fine if i wanted to stay home and work after heading there at lunch anyways. So that is cool. The guy doing the party started talking to me about it. I didn't have the heart to tell him no. He said he his going to call me tonight about some stuff, so i shall see how that goes and play it by ear.

That sounds good about the 1lb Maria. I know what you mean about the 2 ppl in your head arguing both sides of the fight. I have that a lot about many things. Just try and listen to the smart and realistic one as much as you can :)

As for ppl on the boards, I try and chime in when I can, but I only try to on subjects I either know about or have dealt with first hand. I feel weird giving ppl advice or such on subjects I know 0 about. Then again sometimes ppl just want to know there are ppl listening. I guarantee all these posts at least get read and thought about by a lot of ppl. It is just that sometimes ppl don't have or know the words to say. There have been plenty of times I have posted and got 1 or no response. I know it isn't for lack of caring, but just that ppl could respond for 1 reason or another. Sometimes it is good to just vent whether ppl respond or now. All I can say to those ppl that worry is to not. If you truly want a response and no one has, let us know. You will get ppl that will try their hardest to help or just let you know they are listening.

Oh well, at least stuff doesn't stay with me as long and as hard as it used to. I still get affected very easy when it comes to the ex, but I seem to at least be able to contain it somewhat a decent amount of the time instead of letting it consume me. This work thing though might not be the best environment for me. There is a rumor a new branch might be starting here soon and I might be part of it. I think i will investigate that further and see what truth lies there.

This morning was busy for me. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. to move my things out of my mother's house and back into my apartment and feed her cat. I have been there all week house sitting and it's been difficult because as some of you may know, I am taking the GMAT tomorrow morning. I live about 30 minutes away (by car) from her house and I don't feel comfortable taking the expressway so I've been waking up at 5:00 in the morning, leaving at 6 in the morning to drive to my apartment, check mail and take public transportation (an additional 1hr 1/2) to work. I haven't been getting to the house until 7:30 at night and then I have to feed her cat, eat dinner and prepare my clothes for the next day before I can even take time to study. I was so tired, that yesterday I became frazzled and thought I left her car unlocked. I was at the train, but had to take a cab back to my apartment complex to make sure that the doors were locked and take the cab back to the train station. Needless to say, I was late for work.

Also, sleeping on those beds are difficult because I cannot get a good night's sleep like I can at home. That's why I chose to bypass checking on the cat tonight and staying one more night for coming straight home to get in some more study time and relaxation before tomorrow's test. I told my mom and she was fine with it (at least on Wednesday she was), but my sister was like, "you're not going to check on the cat at least once during tomorrow." I must say the I had to leave the cat in his room because the alarm has to be set. The room is large, but as I said it would take me close to 3 hours to go to her house and check on the cat and I would not have any time for last minute preparation and relaxation for tomorrow. Also, I have been busy all week at work and now I'm just tired. I haven't ate well at all because of the stress of this test, work, possibly moving and house sitting. I took 2 weeks off from the gym to prepare for this test and now I'm feeling it.

So, I will be much happier on Sunday night when my mother returns and I'm done with this.

what is the GMAT again? It sound so familiar. Either way, good luck!

It's the Graduate Management Admission Test. It's the SAT's or ACT's for Business School. This will be the 3rd time taking it so I hope I do well. It has been totally stressing me out over the past year.

You should definately get a good night's sleep before taking your GMAT. If that means sleeping in your own bed, so be it. Best of luck on your GMAT! I'm so jealous of you ;)

Csense, Good Luck with the GMAT!

Maria, I had the vision of the people arguing in your head about eating and weight! Are you discussing this in therapy?

Chaos, I have never been bothered by being left out. I actually think that it makes it worse because you start acting like an outcast so you get treated like one. No one is going to make me feel like an outcast. That would mean that their opinions are more important than my own. I will never delegate my self-worth to others! Just think of it as They Are Missing Out on your wonderful company! This is a choice that others can make and it is their right.

I wouldn't feel bad about others not liking it here. You cannot meet everyone's needs for heavens sake.

Aww geez, sorry you feel that way, Maria!

K.os & Maria, listen up:

K.os: I've haven't been here but maybe a little more than a month, but from what I've been reading, you're really making progress.
There are several subjects on these boards that I can reply to b/c I've been through some things; so I'll comment and/or just give an encouraging word.
We all need to have someone listen to us from time to time, and we all need to be encouraged; NOT discouraged! :cool:

Your ex is definitely playing "mind games" with you. If you act like you don't care what she does, she'll lose her "power" to annoy, irritate and make you feel "left out". I see she has the awful need to be the "center of attention" and she seems like a person who shows off and loves to belittle people.
I'm not saying this was the person you knew AT FIRST, but I am saying that anytime you plan a luncheon and make sure that ONE PERSON is NOT invited, the person planning it or having a hand in that is making a point.
If I were any of the people that participated in that, I would observe what type of person she is. I would've turned that invite down in a heartbeat.


To Maria:
Listen: YOU'RE NOT FAT! YOU'RE NOT FAT! YOU'RE NOT FAT! YOU'RE NOT FAT! :nono:

You only gained ONE pound... could that be water-weight? I can imagine you aren't any where NEAR fat!
Keep telling yourself you're HEALTHY, HEALTHY, HEALTHY! :bouncing:
NOT FAT!
You have to believe in what you're trying to do with your life.
You know, life is far too short for some of the things we go through and/or do to ourselves. The best thing to do is keep helping yourself and live YOUR best life, so that you have very few regrets and learn to love yourself so that you can better love those around you. :) :angel:

Thx juju and sannah. I def didn't let her know it bothered me. I just smiled and went about my business. After venting to a few friends I felt a lot better and had a better outlook on it. On the way home I checked on my meds so it is all good there. I even picked up some food for the weekend so i can eat decently w/o have to get take out heh. Plus, now that I'm home I've been able to get more work done then usual at the office. As a added bonus I'm getting to clear out some of my DVR of all the shows that have been piling up. All this while I work :)

Good for you Chaos, turning a negative to a positive. This morning I worked at a no kill animal shelter cleaning cat cages. Lots of cats. And I'm allergic. Took my own cat to the vet and then bathed my two dogs. Did some yard work, took a shower, read a little and napped. I guess I'll try to find something to watch on tv and do a little needle work. God bless:angel:

I had the vision of the people arguing in your head about eating and weight! Are you discussing this in therapy?

Yes, thank you for asking. In fact he made me write a paper on the Id and the Superego. Interesting stuff, but my "two brains" still argue.

And I'm a day late, but thank you Juju. I was feeling anxious today, but your comments helped. :)

Maria, do you think that it is really your Id and your Superego? I think it is simply your need to control something in your life vs. you trying to avoid going into the hospital. Neither of these seem like the Superego.

I see what you're saying. He meant the Id was arguing that I should enjoy food and the superego was playing "tough cop" and saying I shouldn't eat. I wrote that paper a few months ago though, when I was a low but healthy weight. You are right about many things. I think the threat of hospitalization is really getting to me. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately?) I had many calories today and feel I don't deserve the ED label.

I think the threat of hospitalization is really getting to me.

Unfortunately

(or perhaps fortunately?) I had many calories today and

feel I don't deserve the ED label.

Maria, if you say that it is unfortunate that you had many calories then you are still wearing that ED label. The only thing that is getting you to eat is your bigger fear here - hospitalization. So you are motivated by fear. Someone told me that 20 years ago!