Hi all.

I’m an addict, and this is my story.

I have compressed discs in the T section of my back, which are, in turn, aggravated by arthritis. The pain is bearable and can be controlled with OTC meds. About two years ago, a good friend offered me one of her 10/500 Vicodin tabs. The pain was gone, and I was left with a warm, fuzzy, careless feeling. I liked it, a lot.

I have good medical records, so I went online to get a Dr’s consultation (my doctor wouldn’t go for it). I was written a script for 90, 10/325 Norco brand hydro. This was fine for a while.

As my tolerance to the drug went up, I searched for and found a great site to get foil sealed codeine and Soma tabs from India. They were pennies on the dollar compared to US meds. As you all know, a Soma, codeine, hydro mix is about as good as it ever gets, for me anyway. Soon, I found a good source for dihidrocodeine syrup, and threw that into the blend as well.

Tolerance went up and up, and I had deep pockets to feed this growing monster. I think that the spending on this habit was 18,000 + dollars per year (conservative estimate).

Deep into the hole and near the end of my rope, I was taking a 12 + hydro, codeine, dihidrocodeine, and Soma cocktail every day. The first signs of the crash were not far behind. My legs started falling to sleep in the car, my colleagues said that I was having short-term memory loss, and I was reaching for other drugs to maintain my high.

Knowing that this could not continue, I told my wife the truth (God bless her for sticking it out). She took what was left of the pills (Soma and codeine), and I went two days CT. On the second day, I was shaking, dry heaving, sweating… My feet and hands felt funny; my color was bad. We called my doctor and set up an emergency appointment. I told him the truth, and he put me on a maintenance dose of 6, 7.5/325 hydro per day for one week. I thought that my heart was going to fail, but he insisted that it was OK and that I would make it. Needless to say, I was back in his office the next day crying to him that the meds weren’t strong enough. He told me that one week of this maintenance dose is all I get. If that isn’t enough, go to inpatient detox.

The local inpatient detox facilities didn’t have any beds. I felt really sick, and didn’t want to travel to another city to get help. I just wanted to go back to my bed. By this time (seven days or so), however, my wife was ready to leave and stay with her brother. She didn’t think that I was going to make it.

The very next day, really, I had a pretty good day.

I pleaded with my wife to stay, that I can beat this. She finally agreed that I will (thank God).

Now, I am at four weeks plus one day. Some days I am counting hours, some hours slip by with my attention focused on my work.

So here I stand in front of you all, naked, scared, shaking, looking out over the edge of the hole, four notches up on my rope (for today anyway). Tomorrow, I could be in a darker state of mind, wondering if I will ever get out.

Thank you for your support and listening to me ramble on. Some days, I feel like talking about this with everyone. Not all, however, are as supportive as this group on this site.

God bless,

Mike:)

Hi Mike!

This is one of the most upfront, honest stories I have heard! I know many people with stories identical to yours, some with happy endings, some still struggling, and unfortunately some dead.

You should pat yourself on the back! It is very obvious you are in FULL acceptance of your problem. I personally, don't see that very often, even in myself. There is not one ioda of justification, blame, or shift or self pity to your story!

I am so very impressed! I am sure you are on your way to a very successful clean break from a very dire life! You seem to really have a grip on your addiction and I am sure you will be a success story.

Kudos to you and your new found life and just keep in mind that there will be those dark difficult days, but they soon pass and over time the good days will far outweigh them all. You will soon be truckin' on down the road with that "dark hole" in your rearview!
And trully, what a wonderful support system you have in your wife!
You are a true inspiration to us all!
Shay

Shay:

Thanks for the reply. I was reluctant to post that dirty, ugly chapter in my life. Oh well.

I could not kick this thing on my own. Hence, honesty got me some help that would have been missed with lies and deception.

It's hard for a guy to admit his weaknesses. We are hard-wired to be strong, right? We do not like being caught on our back. The doctor said be strong. That is a difficult task when the body is ravaged by addiction.

A phrase I once heard that "opiate withdrawal is a dumb brute with a monkey wrench" has so much meaning now.

I tell people who have never detoxed that you have to experience withdrawal to really know. Super flu is not a good analogy. It is much worse, IMHO.

Mike

Hello Mike

I am glad you posted your story because I think I can share a couple of things that make you understand how not alone you are.

Did you know that the entire rope and hole thing is a very common phrase of many, many people who are in depression? Yes, it is! And the depression does not have to come from drug withdrawal... it is deep depression from any source. I was in a horrendous depression ten years ago... in 15 months, my father-in-law died, both parents and an uncle were diagnosed with cancer, my dad and uncle died from it within one hour of each other, and I was diagnosed and treated for a very rare cancer after seeing my parents and uncle through their cancers as a caregiver. I was working full time, still raising kids, and had made my bid to finally get a college education. Also got broadsided by an 18 wheeler during that time just to add a bit of icing on the cake. Not a sob story... just to let you know that when I tell you I was in a deep clinical depression, you can get a sense of how deep it might have been.

So, in the depth and desperation of my depression, I began to search in the then unjaded, uncorrupted chat rooms that were emerging for health. Everywhere someone talked of depression, in many dofferent rooms, were the words, "I feel like I am in a deep hole with two broken arms and legs." God Almighty, I put my hand on the computer and sobbed! here were people, people I didn't even know, using my own words and saying they felt the same way! It was like I had a 'homecoming'. Some people descibed it as being in a deep hole with a rope hanging in, but they could not grasp the rope long enough to climb out because they had no physical strength. The people in these rooms were from all over the world... talk about a common thread in humanity, huh?

Well, Mike, I chatted more and more and more. I chatted with people who had come out of the depression and were living happily again. Oh, man, talk about HOPE. I began slowly to do what these survivors suggested. And slowly [I began growing arms and legs again and climbed out if that hole! Yes, I did.

Seven months ago, I found myself in that damn hole again. This time, too long a time on pain meds with increasing dosages was the primary culprit. I reached out again to those chat rooms. Sadly, the character of thwm has changed and they were full of depressed people, but had been thorougghly infiltrated with whackos who were taunters, self serving sellers, and the like. With God's grace, I found forums, where anonymity is strictly enforced by moderators. This site in particular. Once again, I found those who had gone before me willing to help me.

And now the circle continues. I am no longer in the throes of depression... because it does get better! I am almost done with a taper from Xanax after being helped here with a taper from oxycodone.

If I can help you, then fire away with the questions, feelings or concerns. By and by, it will pass for you, be over, and you will be reaching out to others. that is a truth. Smiles.

Let the Circle, be unbroken
By and by, Lord, By and by
reach

Wow~
What a story true from the gut...Thank you Mike...So nice to have you here.
Im amazed by your honestly, but not by your progress, because of your HONESTLY you are so far along in your journey... thank you for sharing and inspiring~
xoxoxoxox,
I:angel: ZZY'SMOM

Mike...

You really got that right when you say people who haven't detoxed just don't understand...that is so very true and true for addiction overall. It's something that really can't be explained and that is why it is so misunderstood....

I think though that the one good thing that can come out of all the celebrities in the lime light with addiction is that I think "others" are seeing that we are composed of all types; mothers, fathers, bankers, doctors, teachers, literally EVERYONE of all types. We are no longer the dirty, overgrown bearded, thug under a bridge with a paper sack! Not that we were EVER that, that's just how we were portrayed. We are your everyday quite normal and GOOD people who were dealt a really rotten hand in life.

There is so much shame wrapped up in this that it really keeps so many from getting help. Like you said "your dirty little secret" and "your weakness", couldn't be further from the truth, but it's how it's so often percieved. We have a disease, an allergy. That's one that took me a long time to grasp.

You are really ahead of the game here. Much more than I was the first time I got sober. (yes I said the FIRST time) I can only hope you have an "only one time". You have already gotten what it takes so many a long time to get and virtually keeps them either using or relapsing over and over, including myself. You have 1) gained full acceptance 2) complete honesty with yourself and others 3) the humility to know you cannot do this alone-that YOU cannot do it 4) something has a hold of you that is more powerful than you are

These are the biggies that hold us hostage to addiction.

So many of us myself included are so terrified to admit this awful truth to ourselves, much less anyone else. I see so many like that come here. But once we do let it out, we realize it isn't near as bad admitting than we made it to be and not near as bad as the alternative of staying in the "darkness of the lies and deception" as you said. It's so frustrating for those of us who have done it to watch others be so afraid, but yet I totally understand it because I was the same. I just want to shake all the ones who need help and say "Trust me! I swear! It's not that bad! It's scary, but not as scary as in your mind!".

I've been wondering, if you don't mind me asking, do you have experience with addiction in family or friends? I hope your wife is very proud of you. And sounds like you have a great doctor!

Well just keep on the track you're on, and you will do just fine.
Shay

There are so many gifted people here! It truly is amazing.

Reach:

Your insight and wisdom are supernatural. Thank you very much!

The hole and rope visualization came at the peak of withdrawal. It was new to me, but, as you point out, a common thread in humanity that links us together. Wow, very powerful stuff.

Oxycodone! That is much harder to quit, as I understand it.

IZZY'SMOM:

Thank you for your candid comments. They are well taken.

My progress is, for the most part, hindered by numerous other problems. My wife and I have a business in the banking industry that is very demanding and is very sensitive about contractor conduct.

Additionally, we were very lucky that I didn't lose my primary customer. I told them that I was out for medical reasons, and they were understanding. There were a lot of questions asked, and a lot of thought and discussion had to go into how to answer them.

The work during the time that I used to detox got boxed up and, for the most part, dropped back on my desk when I was capable.

The stress and anxienty of the job still rattle me, and there are no pills to ease that. The doctor says that he wants me to stay clean of everything, except Ambien, for two months.

Shay:

Again, your comments hit right at the heart of the beast. I can not say it as eloquently as yourself.

My father and brother were alcoholics. My grandmother was a drug addict and alcoholic. They are all gone, primarily from their disease. It seems to run in the genes.

God bless,

Mike

hello mike, and welcome....:)

The hole and the rope thing is a new analogy for me as well. But very, very accurate. Anyway, just wanted to add that I am also incredibly impressed by your honesty and resolve. We often find ourselves trying to dance around excuses as to why we use, but the reality is ( as you so accurately put it "honesty got me some help that would have been missed w/ lies and deception".) How incredibly powerful!

Your very fortunate to have such an understanding and caring wife. Treasure her, and treasure you... you'll be amazed at the heights you can go together, clean and sober. It's ever better w/o the haze and fog.

Try not to worry about the work stuff too much... it always seems to work itself out in the end. Good luck to you and please keep us updated as we all care very much about each other.

Good night, jkm

Hi jkm.

I'm surprised that my wife stuck it out. She has a mental condition and resulting problems of her own. Having all of this dropped into her lap has not only pushed her to the brink but also has opened a rift in our marriage (trust). The strongest of the steel fibers holding us together is our faith.

Since she already has too much to worry about, I asked her to trust me. There are hydrocodone tabs left from the detox. She knows how many are in the bottle. They, like my last pack of smokes, are there to remind me of the trust covenant that my wife and I formed. They are there to remind me of the horrible addiction. They are there to remind me of a similar struggle quitting nicotine. My last pack of smokes (Marlboro Lights), BTW, lay on the counter until they eventually dried up and I threw them away (hmm...that wasn't easy). I even caved and smoked one during detox. But if you win more battles than you lose and you keep fighting, you win the war, right?

My wife still has trouble understanding how anyone gets addicted. She can and does take narcotics for her migraines, and never has the desire to take more. Her sister is the same way. She claims that vicodin has only one effect, removing pain.

They are very lucky people.

I woke up with a mild migraine headache today. It's starting to ease off, and it would be great to get out for the day.

God bless,

Mike:)

Hi Mike,

Well you've made it another day! Personally, when I detoxed (a thousand times!) I realized on one of the last detoxes that it was self defeating for me to count the days. I thought, "well when do you quit counting?". And what are you counting towards? When you quit counting what happens? That's just me...HaHa! Anyway thought I'd congratulate you anyway!

It is so hard for the people who have to support us! I've been on that side of the fence too...and it is so hard to trust the addict. I always explain it to other people that it's not that we are stealing or lying to actually decieve or anything, it's just that we know others will not understand our addiction and if we are to tell the truth, it will mess up our using! It should not be taken personally. Like I've said before, we are good people, we are not criminals or murderers or something, we just have this problem. Just a suggestion that might help your wife to understand, if you do a search on alcohol "disease", or something to that effect, it will explain that our "wiring" is very different from those who can just take a pill a prescribed. And still others who become sick from narcotics. There is an actual physical reason why we abuse and others do not. We go through life for along time without using and when we do it triggers something in us that recognizes that we feel much better when using. Not the pain that we're treating, but our overall psyche. And because the drug itself has an addictive property to it, we find that after time, we must take much more to attain the desired effects.

Anyway, I can't put it into words like the scientists, but that's my little interpretation of it! :)

My grandfather quit smoking for 5 years before his death. He quit after being told he was on his way to a quick death from emphasyema (sp?). He did the same thing you did. He kept a pack of filterless Camels on the top shelf of his closet til the day he died. It was his security blanket. He would say they are always there if I want one, but I'm not gonna have one. He always wanted one, but knew where it would take him.

Good to see ya here today, hope your migrane is better!
Shay

Hi Shay:

I keep coming back here. It must be some kind of OCD.

I need to get out of detox mode and into living mode, huh?

Concerning the counting, your comments are interesting. I guess its like reaching for a goal, one year say. I hope that the counting will stop, as it did with the smokes. Is my mind rewiring itself? I think so.

The depression is bad, though.

I read happy threads by reach today, and found myself smiling and laughing.

Sincerely,

Mike

Mike,

Don't get me wrong! I didn't mean you or anyone shouldn't count the days...not at all, I was putting that little disclosure in there in case you were the type, like me, who doesn't like the counting. My mother used to call me everday and say, "You have 7days today....you have 8 days today....you have 9 days today...." I had to tell her I knew she meant well, but it was making me feel like I should have more, because it felt like I should. I started just recognizing the month. One day to me felt like a week and when I was reminded that it was only 5 days or whatever, I would be disappointed. It seemed to make the whole thing drag out longer and I felt too focused on "the days".
That's just me though....I hope you know that I don't feel everyone should be that way.

Hey 1 day is an accomplishment! Any time without is a good thing.

And I don't think you need to "get in the living mode" as you say....you are probably more in the living mode right now than you have been in some time. And what living is, is our own interpretation. What I, or anybody else thinks is living may not be someone else's idea. Hey.....I'm here too! HaHa! If being here keeps you from popping a pill, then so be it! You are still adjusting to this...whatever you do....DON'T GET IMPATIENT! You'll be asking for it! One day at a time....hour....minute....Go easy on yourself and don't expect to be running around doing cartwheels! Just ride the day as it comes, and if you feel like resting then you probably need to. Your body and mind will tell you when your ready for more.

Yes the depression is a doozy. But it's a withdrawal symtom too and you are still withdrawing...give it time. It's not something to be real concerned about unless it just goes on for so long that things are really suffering from it. If that happens, you may have to check on anti-depressants from your doc. Just like the doc said, he wanted you to stay off everything for 2 months...there's a reason for that.

I was in aftercare once with a very intelligent professor with credentials a mile long. He explained that no one should even attempt exercise for a good month of sobriety. He said it was down right dangerous because our bodies are not reahabilitated completely and it's shocking to the body. I'm sure the same is true for the mind.

You are doing fine....do whatever you have to right now, as long as it's not destructive, to stay clean. Stay in the NOW.

Routing for ya!
Shay:cool:

Shay:

You are so helpful. There is no way that I could think that you have a single bad bone in your body. You have been with me all the way, and I can't show my appreciation with words.

I’m still, a little, thick skinned from my job so no need to worry about relapsing if someone disagrees with me. My sensitivity seems to have been heightened, though.

You wouldn't believe how I soak up what you guys are saying, all threads. What a great bunch of people (gush!! gush!!).:)

I feel better now and plan to watch Mission Impossible 2 (missed it).

Cheers,

Mike

Mike,

That'll help ya to escape into a movie! MI 2 is awsome! I watched 3 first and 2nd last...leave it to an addict:dizzy: ....just saw 2 a month or so ago and I think you'll like it!

Well have fun!
Shay:cool:

........this post will self destruct in................HeHe! :D

Hi Mike! :wave:

This is such a great post from you--very different from the usual. Being honest with yourself and others is half the battle. I can sense a new Mike and I am hoping and praying that this is going to be the time that you start getting mentally healthy.

Good job, friend!!

Here's to one more day- Stay Strong!

Flushed

Thanks flushed.

That's quite a net name you got there, BTW. I like it.

Today has been decent. The depression dropped off in the afternoon, and I felt more energetic than I have in a long time. I worked out Saturday, so on Sunday and half of Monday, my muscles were sore.

I seem to be bouncing back fairly rapidly. I have gained five pounds and my strength has nearly doubled.

It's a good feeling to have a day where the the mind is clear and the body strong. I am going to squeeze every last drop out of this great day.

God bless,

Mike

Hey Mike!:wave:

Just checking in on you to see how you're doing.

So...how are you doing?
Everything still going well?

Been thinking of you and hoping you're well.
Shay
:cool:

Hi Shay::)

You would make an outstanding counselor. There is so much care in you.:angel:

This is the best day that I have had for a month. I got eight hours of good sleep and feel great, maybe a little too spunky.

I looked at those hydros left over from detox, and thought, "gee, one of those sure wouldn't hurt." What a mistake that would be! It's amazing how fast we can forget how bad it was coming off that stuff when a good day rolls around. That little demon voice in my mind tried to convince me that these meds can be controlled. Ha! Not by me.

It wasn't too bad fighting that one off because I feel good. Tougher times will certainly come.

BTW, a lot of folks here do a taper. Not a hard taper like mine, but one that weans you off of the meds with a certain level of discomfort. My pastor friend did a half-pill taper every five days that didn't affect his work, and he said that it "wasn't bad" in the end. What are your thoughts?

Mike

BTW, I've been reading all your posts:D

Mike,:wave:

HaHa! Me a counselor! If I could only apply all the advice and caring to myself! But....maybe I would be a good counselor....I've always heard that they have as many or more problems than their clients. That they're really working out their own stuff through other people. So yeah, maybe you're right! HaHa! It takes one to know one....isn't that the old saying? :dizzy:

You are mighty strong willed to be able to pick up and look at the vicodin without taking any. That would just not work for me! I'd have to get rid of all remnants of anything buzzable! That's a big temptation to keep around! And yes our little minds are very sneaky and before ya know it you're swallowing the beginning of another "starter post" and a harder detox. Be careful with that...sorry,but it's the Mama in me and the addict in me....gotta say it. :D

I'm assuming you're talking about my own intake of pills when you ask "what do I think about you're friend's detox"? I'll make sure before I go into a big story for you that you might not be interested in! HaHa!

How was the movie BTW ( as you would type) :) (MI 2?)
Shay
:cool:

Hi guys,

I really liked the hole and the rope story and was thinking that the hole represents the soul, that's why we get so miserable in there, cause the soul has no right to be in there, and the rope represents hope.

Thought I would add this poem on this thread, 'There's a hole in my sidewalk,' I don't know who authoured it.? It's cool to take a look ...The Chapters are some of the different stages of addiction, relapse through to (the other side). Probably most of you, whom have been in some sort of recovery or treatment center have heard this before, just thought I would add it for the people who haven't. It's interesting to take a look - to see what chapter you are at. Sometimes you complete all the stages, you get to chapter 5, and end back in chapter 1, 2 or 3, some chapters cross over at the same time. Everyone can analyse it 'to each their own'.


There's A Hole In My Sidewalk
Chapter One

I walk down a street and there's a big hole. I don't see it and fall into it. It's dark and hopeless and it takes me a long time to find my way out. It's not my fault !

Chapter Two

I walk down the same street. There's a big hole and I can see it, but I still fall in. It's dark and hopeless and it takes me a long time to get out. It's still not my fault.

Chapter Three

I walk down a street. There's a big hole. I can see it, but I still fall in. It's become a habit. But I keep my eyes open and get out immediately. It is my fault.

Chapter Four

I walk down a street. There's a big hole. And I walk around it.

Chapter Five

I walk down a different street.

take care
kadee

oh kadee, kadee, kadee.... here you go again, making me cry.:) Been laying low lately because I'm depressed. Yup, said it.... i'm depressed, again! and I freaking hate myself for it. Just like always.... falling back into that hole.

It's different this time though... I'm not popping pills! I'm sad, I cry, i have overwhelming anxiety, isomnia like a bit*h, blah, blah, blah.... but, and this a huge but... I dont have a stash of xanax or klonipn hidden somewhere. I'm feeling this kadee, really feeling it- masked by nothing, maybe once I get through this time (pulling myself out of the hole) I'll finally get to the otherside. Right?... this pain has got to be worth something?...

So, I'm spending my days taking it easy (being lazy) due to some crap still related to my recent head injury. I listen to a lot of music, read books and poetry, take l-o-n-g walks in the sun... and try to laugh really, really hard at least once an hour. (not good for the pain the head, but who cares... it's great for the soul):)


Mike, Although I haven't posted lately, I've been watching you and your progress and I'm so, so proud of you. And truely happy for you.
****Sorry bout debo in' your thread******I was checking on you when I read kadee's oh, so inspiring reply:)
Keep up the great work buddy, your accomplishments are an inspiration to many...

Shay, I cant end w/o saying that I think your brilliant! I've been reading your posts as well, and although I totally get the whole 'not applying it to yourself thing', I think your full of kindness, grace, empathy and inspiration. Take a compliment girl, it's all good.:)

I hope you all have a truly good day, take care of yourselves, jkm

Hi guys,

It sure is different living without a mood or mind altering drug. What I am truly astonished at is the quality of my sleep, I fade off early, if I wake up in the middle of the night I can get right back to my dreamland, the nightmare phase has run it's gamut, I love my dreams, 8 or 9 hours later when I wake,the sleep is deep n heavy like I have taken something, I could probably drift off for another hour, but I force myself to wake up, 10 hours I would be a slug, say a lil positive prayer and get the feet on the floor.

The past 2 months and been a rollercoaster of mental highs and lows. I was isolating far too much to have that peace of mind you get from a busy fulfilling day when finally you get to be alone and still with your thoughts... you feel better, I felt worse...my mind would take me places of my dreams and desires, but my actions kept me in my home, my actions pinned my feet to the living room carpet..pacing from the couch to the bed to the computer, expecting someone to read my mind, waiting for the phone to ring, wondering why I was alone again. I was became self-doubtful, I became depressed.

Early Spring I was writing Step 1, 2 and 3. I was doubtful with my future,indecisive in my present, and not that ticked with my past. That mixture made me quite frozen and stuck on glue. Two months ago Reach suggested I pick up Susan Jefferies book 'Feel the Fear and do it Anyway'. ...Geez, I miss Reach! ...This is one of the best reads I have seen since my leap back into Recovery. It starts with reprogramming your mind. Re-education with Re-covery (my words). I like the sound of that better than Re-lapse and Re-covery (program words).After I let go: of my drugs pills and booze, I stayed stuck-n-bored and then bored n-glued - not a lot of difference there. . How could I possibly get by without anything? how would I act? what would I say?what would I wear? what would they think? bla bla bla...And then finally who cares? I'm going do it for me.. That's where I'm at now, with the help of Susan and her guide on how to whitewash my black smokin brain, my cobwebs that keep me stuck in the web. It takes a lot of work to get better, it takes a lot of action, persistence and determination. That's where I'm at, the beginning of the action, planting seeds for Re-growth, there comes that Re word again, I guess it is a lot better than any of the D words. The first D words I think about are, death, dying, destruction, decay, I'll stop now, you probably can add a lot more negative D words...So what I am trying to say about depression and that big black stinkin-stoppin hole, is that anyone can get out of it with a crystal clear new belief about themselves. I'm not where I want to be, but I can see I am working with determination to get there, JKM, if I can do this, so can you. We have been helping hands to each other along the way. Stay strong darling. Just for today, we have nothing to fear.

all the best
kadee

I'm on my way to the library as soon as I finish typing this... I thought about 'closet' reading along w/ you and reach but, got scared. I think I can do it now... we'll see........... I'm off.......................jkm

Sorry I haven't read through all the replies, I'm at work......your post is so inspiring to me as I'm fixing to go to the same thing. I'm tapering by myself and it's pure hell. I feel like it's prolonging the agony, but at the same time, I'm so far gone if I go CT now, the WD's are going to be worse than any nightmare. I've been through them before......

I view my depression as being at the bottom of a well and looking up and everyone is looking down and smiling at me, but nobody is reaching out a hand. I've asked for help many times.

My husband is there for me to a point. He takes the pain meds for his health problems and is not an addict and does not understand the addictive behavior I have and he's at his wits end.

I'm kinda with Shay about counting the days. Today is the day to worry about. Sometimes in 12 step meetings it can be all about how long you've been sober. For me, it's more about what you are learning as you go through this journey of sobriety. Oh well, I'm just rattling.

I'm proud of you and that you made it through the worst physical part of it. It's not easy to willingly let yourself get so sick when you know you have something that can fix it nearby. It takes alot of strength.

Hi Smooch! :wave:

Yep, if I count the days, I start getting into that impatient mode addicts are famous for. Immediate gratification....hince-take a pill, have a drink, do something! I just can't think of it that way....waiting for my award. It is such a daily thing. It's my doom to say okay tomorrow I'll have blah, blah days, in 10 days I'll have a month, a year, whatever....
That's just me though....
Whatever works for you is what you gotta do.

Hope your okay TODAY! :)

Shay
:cool:

Shay you're so cool!! Thanks for all your support. I'm determined to do this, and with posts like these, it just reinforces the fact that I'm not alone, and if others can do it, I can too.

Thanks so much!

Jkm, Kadee, Smooch, Shay:

You have no idea how much it inspires me to see you folks jump in.

I had a long day at work, 5 hours of travel, 5 hours in the banks, and I'm pooped out. I had a lot of anxiety for the last 2 hours on a check printer. I hate those things.

There is a lot of information in these posts, so give me some time to absorb it all. It seems like all of the intellectual giants jumped in to have a word.

Kadee:

My literary professor chided me for not having insight into symbols. My hat is off to you for that incredible analysis.

Thank you all for the great support.

Mike

Hi Mike!!!
I vowed to taske a break from the boards because of my busy schedule, but when I saw you post I had to jump in and offer my support..Im happy for you that you have done so well, and I always hope that you are here on the boards with us continuing your journey...My hat is off to you!~:wave:
xoxoxox,
IZZY'SMOM

Please Delete Mods...duplicate Post Due To Delay...

Thanks Izzy'smom. It means a lot to me. How are you doing on your taper?

Shay: MI2 was very well done. I saw MI1 & MI3. MI3 was not all the great, IMHO.

I see this message board as a great big rehab clinic. And shay, you are the doctor that helps the addicts with their detox and PAWS. You have a great bed-side manner and deep understanding of addiction. All of your patients in this clinic are grateful for the insight and widsom that you bring.

You helped me to understand my addiction in a way that I can accept it for what it is. You pulled me out of the hole, in a sense. I found that there are a lot of people in all walks of life who go through this. This is a new beginning for me, and I couldn't have done it without your kind, thoughtful, yet penetrating words.

Kadee:

Have you read Emily Dickinson? She is my favorite poet. And she, like yourself, has this incredible mind that finds an infinite number of ways to dissect the human condition, to open it up so that every fiber is revealed. But alas, Emily was a recluse (I don't know that much about you). And late in her life, her genius revealed a new world in poetry, one that only she could see in her brilliance but could somehow be shared with the world in lines of a poem. In the end, it drove her mad. The human that housed the genius could not bear the burden.

Shay:

It probably is a bad idea to have those pills laying around. I couldn't have done that 3 weeks ago or so. I would have taken them for sure.

I don't want to take them now, and somehow I feel more in control if they are there and not in my stomach. Luckily, there are only a few, not enough for a hard relapse, I hope.

Eternity will be
Velocity or pause
Precisely as the candidate
Preliminary was

Well, goodnight and God bless,

Mike

I can see I am working with determination to get there, JKM, if I can do this, so can you. We have been helping hands to each other along the way. Stay strong darling. Just for today, we have nothing to fear.
all the best
kadee

hi guys,
just wanted to check in w/ you and say 'hi'. I've been doing really well lately.... finally pulling myself out of this awful depression and living again. I know now that I had to feel my pain in order to move past it. I hope I'm not getting ahead of myself, but I think I'm finally getting there. I remember when I first came to this board and read and re-read over and over again. I couldn't imagine getting through 'a depression' w/o my pills, there were so many that had made it and I wanted to be just like them.... I think I'm getting there, really. I'm smiling and happy, appreciating life in a way I never have before.... I'm thankful for every moment, every smile, every flower, every song, the sun.... it's crazy how the little things have become the important things for me.
I hope you guys are well, take good care of yourselves, jkm

Hello jmk!

I am SO glad to read your post. So happy to know that you are able at this point to see the truth for you, in you... that the depression does fade and is replaced by such wonder and normalness. Smiles.

It is so good that you have posted your message for others to see... lookers, users, hopeless, as well as for those of us who have found this truth.... always a good reinforcement!

Stay well, stay with us as you can... life will be so busy that now you will have to make time for the board instead of being so busy with the board that you have to make time for life! Got a feeling that you understnd this concept well at this point! Chuckles.

Congratulations and all best wishes always
reach

Hi jkm
So nice to see you again. I know what you mean about the little things; to me they are life-sustaining. When I walk along side of trees and flowers I practice deep breathing, I breathe in the musk of the roots to the tip of the veins in the evergreens, the smell is always so welcome, because I’m a smoker and recovering addict. I love the sound of the wind, dancing with the branches. I feel freedom to experience such strength. Little things help my daily renewal.

I have to run before I get myself late. I have two back to back appointments today 1) my addiction counselor and 2) another 1st meeting with a psychiatrist. I just wanted to say hi and tell you one thing. Nothing stays the same, it always changes. There is hope. Just for today, believe that.

Take TL care
kadee

JKM.

It's been great having you on this thread inspiring me and others. I have been concerned about my depression as well. Now, at this stage of recovery it seems to me that my depression is more "manic" like. I have some really good days and some really tough days. On a really good day, I experience joy and rejoice in being part of life's dance. On really tough days, I feel like staying home and sleeping it off, no music, no TV, just peace and quiet until it passes! I'm trying to figure out exactly what is triggering the depression? Is it brain chemistry, brain healing, not enough sleep...

Before my addiction took me down this road, I would have bad days, but not very many and not very intense. I'm sure that I will get closer to normal (leveling out) as time goes by. Hopefully, it will be soon.

God bless,

Mike