corina64
06-04-2007, 12:09 AM
My husband is back in everyway... Still not living at home because I am not comfortable with that yet. I just don't know what to think?? He is really nice and trying to work on the marriage and after 4 months of living he## how did he make this change over night??? We went to the VA after court on Thursday and the social worker there said that he was really lucky to have me... I thought that he would hate me for taking on his family and letting his mom know in court that the family and her are the problem not me. I guess the grass wasn't greener on the other side. He totally changed our lives because of the PTSD and more than PTSD the drinking. His family backed it up and now he wants to come home??? I am a little confussed??? Did he have his DUH moment?? I just thought I would ask for everyone's input on what to think, I am at a loss..... I am not saying it isn't great to have him back but I am very unsure if I should trust him again or give him my whole heart again.... Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well:) Have great day everyone :)
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trg247
06-04-2007, 12:38 AM
I don't know what to tell you. Its good that he is making a positive effort and trying to rebuild the damage he caused but part of me is wondering about the motive behind it. You standing up in court and being dominant was a very good thing and maybe it gave him the courage to leave his family or it could have opened his eyes and he sees the situation he is in. PTSD does not go away over night and in my opinion never goes away but even through my darkness periods moments of sanity would appear. I hope for your sake and his, he is truly wanting to do what ever is neccasary to build a healthy relationship
take care
trg247
take care
trg247
corina64
06-04-2007, 03:04 AM
Here I lay awake wondering do I really want him back??? I have been put through so much by my husband and I don't think I want to go back... I know that sounds horrible, but I don't think he is sincere... I don't want to be dropped of and picked up when ever he feels like it. That is not a relationship. I know that he has problems but he is still responsible for his actions. I know that he needs money to get his drivers license back and I am wondering if that is why he is so nice to me???? I just don't want to walk through fire and broken glass anymore :blob_fire I just want to be loved for me and not under anyone's terms and conditions. I find myself thinking what would life be like with someone that really loves me??? I have fought so hard to save this marriage and in the end I think I need to walk for my daughter's sake and my own. I don't want my daughter growing up in disfunction anymore.... I think all in all his family can have him and I hope that they are all happy together. I am sick of being second best... I just want to be loved again....
ICC
06-04-2007, 07:07 AM
Dear Corina.......I hear your concerns loud and clear. I was married to a Nam Vet with PTSD who was also an alcoholic for 22 years. I did everything I thought was right. Stood by him through thick and thin, educated myself in the disease, broke my co-dependency so I could help myself and stop feeding into his addiction. I loved him for many years. I divorced him 15 years ago and have never looked back. When I left I had no regrets because each and every time he said he was sincere about help it only lasted a short time. 15 years later he is still the same. That doesn't mean your situation is the same so please don't think I am advising you to leave him. that is your choice and only yours. I just wanted to give you validation of your feelings. It's not odd to mistrust after living with someone like this and suffering as you have. For now try taking one day at a time until you are sure things will work out. Until you are sure he is sincere and doesn't have a hidden agenda. My prayers are with you for strength, clarity of mind and peace.
ICC
ICC
stick2013
06-04-2007, 08:15 AM
I haven't answered any of you post. I have been going through some tough times, and have been trying to deal with my own crap. I have read your post, and I can hear the disappointment, fear, anger, frustration, and worry in your voice.
PTSD isn't easy to deal with(even for those of us that have it) It has screwed up our way of thinking, and altered our lives to a point that at times we hate our selves. Some will use whatever method we can to self medicate, to stop the crap that floats in our heads on a daily basis. These aren't excuses, just facts. ALL off us must be responsible for our actions.
My first thoughts when I read your post today was this....What happened to make your husband do a 360????? Why all of a sudden does he want to come home and be a husband and a father.
My second thought was this......YOU are having one of those GUT FEELING times....FOLLOW it, LISTEN to your gut... If you are questioning his motivations, then your feelings are RIGHT!!!!!!
I personally don't think that you can work this out unless your husband goes into therapy to work on his issues. My opinion.......I wouldn't let him back in until he had been in therapy for a period of time, and was showing marked improvement.
Just think about things, and PLEASE..... Make the decision that is good for you and your child. NOT based on emotions......
Sid
PTSD isn't easy to deal with(even for those of us that have it) It has screwed up our way of thinking, and altered our lives to a point that at times we hate our selves. Some will use whatever method we can to self medicate, to stop the crap that floats in our heads on a daily basis. These aren't excuses, just facts. ALL off us must be responsible for our actions.
My first thoughts when I read your post today was this....What happened to make your husband do a 360????? Why all of a sudden does he want to come home and be a husband and a father.
My second thought was this......YOU are having one of those GUT FEELING times....FOLLOW it, LISTEN to your gut... If you are questioning his motivations, then your feelings are RIGHT!!!!!!
I personally don't think that you can work this out unless your husband goes into therapy to work on his issues. My opinion.......I wouldn't let him back in until he had been in therapy for a period of time, and was showing marked improvement.
Just think about things, and PLEASE..... Make the decision that is good for you and your child. NOT based on emotions......
Sid
ICC
06-04-2007, 08:33 AM
Corina........to add to what Sid has said, the 360 could be a form of manipulation and my guess is. I am so glad Sid mentioned your gut. It escaped me as I have just started to trust mine again. Whenever I second guess that gut feeling I get in trouble, hurt, angry at myself when it's proven to me that my gut was right. Sid could not have put it better. When your gut tells you something isn't right, IT ISN"T.
We're here for you,
ICC
We're here for you,
ICC
beka6
06-04-2007, 09:23 AM
Corina,
I'll just second what Sid and ICC said. Good advice. Therapy is going to be a must. Keep us posted.
Beka
I'll just second what Sid and ICC said. Good advice. Therapy is going to be a must. Keep us posted.
Beka
corina64
06-05-2007, 12:12 AM
I had a counciling appointment today and I told him my concerns about my marriage. He told me to give it some time six months or something until I am ready to make that kind decision. I am making poor decisions because of the anxiety from the PTSD and the fear of abandonment. I guess it all boils down to I let my husband abuse me because of the fear of abandonment... I know now that I am a good person and I don't deserve this. I know now that if my husband is serious then he will do whatever it takes to make the marriage work and to earn my trust back. I talked to my husband on the phone tonight and I asked him if he would do whatever it takes and he said that he would... The bad part about all of this is that he is probably going back to Iraq in October and that doesn't give that much time for healing. I guess only time will tell what the outcome of this will be... I do love my husband but if this is going to work he has to do his part.... And has to earn my heart back because I just can't hand it over without him earning my trust back... I am wondering, though, if he isn't able to go back home??? I am wondering if that isn't the motive.... Or maybe he did have his DUH moment.. He also knows that I was going to move in a few weeks and my best friend that happens to be male was taking better care of my daughter and I better than he has. Also, I think he knows that I am going to see that male friend graduate from the Marines in August... Maybe he is worried that I will move on??? He knows that if something drastic doesn't happen I am gone, I can't stop my life anymore.
ICC
06-05-2007, 08:01 AM
Corina....and you shouldn't stop your life anymore. Know one knows what will happen next. No one can possibly know if yur husbands motives are sincere or not. Take one day at a time, think of yourself and your daughter and please take the time you need to be sure of your decisions. You're heart will know when it's time to trust again or walk away.
ICC
ICC
stick2013
06-05-2007, 08:03 AM
I think that you are doing EXACTLY what YOU need to do right now. It's a healthy decision for YOU and your daughter.
Life is hard, we don't always make good decisions, but we do what we need to do. Hang in there...
Sid
Life is hard, we don't always make good decisions, but we do what we need to do. Hang in there...
Sid
sammy68uk
06-06-2007, 05:28 AM
Hi Corina,
I cant possibly advise you on what decision to make here. The roles were reversed for me, in that I was the one pushing my wife away ( albeit not quite so determinedly as your husband). I thank my lucky stars that I broke down before my marriage did and revealed the pain I was going through. That was my Duh ! moment. Luckily my wife was still around and loved me enough to help me through. And yes, I DID have to rebuild trust, and do whatever it took ( within reason.... PTSD still grips me, so I some compromise is required on both our parts ). I truly hope that your guy has had a similar moment.
To know that he may have to go back to Iraq again later this year must be soul destroying. I really feel for you on this one. How can the Army expect a man with a mental injury return to combat. I’m not sure how it would be possible, but if he’s serious about this it might be worth trying to get him taken off that deployment some how... I know that the needs of the individual are not that important in the grand scheme of things to the army, but look at it this way. If he’d been shot, he’d not be returned to duty till he healed. There is no difference, other than no-one can see his wound.
I’m thinking of you both, and hoping for a successful and happy result...
Mark.
I cant possibly advise you on what decision to make here. The roles were reversed for me, in that I was the one pushing my wife away ( albeit not quite so determinedly as your husband). I thank my lucky stars that I broke down before my marriage did and revealed the pain I was going through. That was my Duh ! moment. Luckily my wife was still around and loved me enough to help me through. And yes, I DID have to rebuild trust, and do whatever it took ( within reason.... PTSD still grips me, so I some compromise is required on both our parts ). I truly hope that your guy has had a similar moment.
To know that he may have to go back to Iraq again later this year must be soul destroying. I really feel for you on this one. How can the Army expect a man with a mental injury return to combat. I’m not sure how it would be possible, but if he’s serious about this it might be worth trying to get him taken off that deployment some how... I know that the needs of the individual are not that important in the grand scheme of things to the army, but look at it this way. If he’d been shot, he’d not be returned to duty till he healed. There is no difference, other than no-one can see his wound.
I’m thinking of you both, and hoping for a successful and happy result...
Mark.