asilgirl33
06-04-2007, 02:21 AM
Hello Everyone,
Well, as luck would have it, I've just met a new man that I really like and who likes me, and eventually we will have to have "the talk" about me and my HPV:)
I'm nervous because I fear that this will send him running away after using phrases like, "I have an STD", "precancerous cells", "dysplasia", "CIN III", "LEEP", "vaginal warts", NOT very sexy. But at the same time I'm okay with it because it will be better to know where he stands now then later when/if we become too attached.
My question? When and how should I bring this up? Do I really need to give all the "lovely details"? Or just go on a "need to know basis"? We've already had a second date with a third scheduled for this week. I want to be up front about this. Any suggestions?
Thank you all very much!
Asilgirl33
Well, as luck would have it, I've just met a new man that I really like and who likes me, and eventually we will have to have "the talk" about me and my HPV:)
I'm nervous because I fear that this will send him running away after using phrases like, "I have an STD", "precancerous cells", "dysplasia", "CIN III", "LEEP", "vaginal warts", NOT very sexy. But at the same time I'm okay with it because it will be better to know where he stands now then later when/if we become too attached.
My question? When and how should I bring this up? Do I really need to give all the "lovely details"? Or just go on a "need to know basis"? We've already had a second date with a third scheduled for this week. I want to be up front about this. Any suggestions?
Thank you all very much!
Asilgirl33
Sponsor
LAgirl81
06-04-2007, 02:53 AM
Hi there Asilgirl,
I have thought about this myself and if I were you, I'd try not to let the fact that you have HPV hinder your future relationships.
When I was diagnosed with HPV high risk a year and a half ago, I had just started dating my current boyfriend-- and at the time of my diagnosis, we'd only been dating a month. Naturally upon hearing of my diagnosis I freaked out and called him immediately to let him know. Luckily for me, he is a medical student so he had the knowledge surrounding this STD to know the facts and not go running for the hills. And it was he who calmed me down and was my support and rock for the the entire time we've been together-- I think going through this emotional rollercoaster with HPV and dysplasia has better helped me see how great a guy he really is. So you could definitely use this as a way to see how serious he is about you and how much he likes you. It is actually a good way to test the guy! :)
When you're ready to talk to him, don't throw words around like "std" and "warts"-- terms that would scare most people away! Rather, I would mention to him that you've been having cervical health problems (whatever they are specifically) due to a VERY common virus. If he asks for details (and hopefully he's an informed adult and has heard of this virus), remember to stress the COMMON frequency of this virus-- that at least 80% of sexually active people will contract at least one strain of it, but it's only that some types of the virus will lead to these cervical changes-- all of which are easily treated. I would try not to get emotional while you're telling him this (which I did but luckily it turned out ok for me!) and just state the facts.
I have thought about this myself and if I were you, I'd try not to let the fact that you have HPV hinder your future relationships.
When I was diagnosed with HPV high risk a year and a half ago, I had just started dating my current boyfriend-- and at the time of my diagnosis, we'd only been dating a month. Naturally upon hearing of my diagnosis I freaked out and called him immediately to let him know. Luckily for me, he is a medical student so he had the knowledge surrounding this STD to know the facts and not go running for the hills. And it was he who calmed me down and was my support and rock for the the entire time we've been together-- I think going through this emotional rollercoaster with HPV and dysplasia has better helped me see how great a guy he really is. So you could definitely use this as a way to see how serious he is about you and how much he likes you. It is actually a good way to test the guy! :)
When you're ready to talk to him, don't throw words around like "std" and "warts"-- terms that would scare most people away! Rather, I would mention to him that you've been having cervical health problems (whatever they are specifically) due to a VERY common virus. If he asks for details (and hopefully he's an informed adult and has heard of this virus), remember to stress the COMMON frequency of this virus-- that at least 80% of sexually active people will contract at least one strain of it, but it's only that some types of the virus will lead to these cervical changes-- all of which are easily treated. I would try not to get emotional while you're telling him this (which I did but luckily it turned out ok for me!) and just state the facts.
LAgirl81
06-04-2007, 02:59 AM
Oops sorry I didn't mean to post yet! Just some final thoughts:
Just remember to not sound like it's some malignant, life-altering disease. Keeping in mind (for yourself) how *prolific* this virus is will better help contextualize your talk, when you decide to have it with him. And remember, just because you know you have HPV by having been tested doesn't mean that you don't know for sure that *he* doesn't have it (as there's no test for men).
I hope this helps! Try not to let this STD affect your social life. At first it was hard for me to situate it, but now that I understand just *how* common it is makes me realize it should have no bearing on dating and relationships. If anything (like I said previously), it'll better help you determine the what quality of guy he is and just how serious he is about you. Good luck with that conversation-- I know it's not easy to do, but I'm sure if he's as good a guy as you mentioned, then he'll stick with you! Let us know how it goes! :)
Just remember to not sound like it's some malignant, life-altering disease. Keeping in mind (for yourself) how *prolific* this virus is will better help contextualize your talk, when you decide to have it with him. And remember, just because you know you have HPV by having been tested doesn't mean that you don't know for sure that *he* doesn't have it (as there's no test for men).
I hope this helps! Try not to let this STD affect your social life. At first it was hard for me to situate it, but now that I understand just *how* common it is makes me realize it should have no bearing on dating and relationships. If anything (like I said previously), it'll better help you determine the what quality of guy he is and just how serious he is about you. Good luck with that conversation-- I know it's not easy to do, but I'm sure if he's as good a guy as you mentioned, then he'll stick with you! Let us know how it goes! :)
asilgirl33
06-06-2007, 01:40 AM
Hey Lagirl:wave:
Thank you for your sound advice. I really needed to hear that:)
I'll be taking things one day at a time!
Enjoy the rest of your week.
Asilgirl
Thank you for your sound advice. I really needed to hear that:)
I'll be taking things one day at a time!
Enjoy the rest of your week.
Asilgirl
asilgirl33
06-22-2007, 02:03 AM
Hello there , ladies!!!
I have an update on my dating situation.
There was alot of anxiety surrounding the reveal of my HPV status with the new guy I started seeing. Well, tonight we talked about it and he wasn't even phased by the information. In fact, he had an ex-girlfriend with the same condition. So this is really a weight lifted from my shoulders:)
I will keep you posted!
Asilgirl33
I have an update on my dating situation.
There was alot of anxiety surrounding the reveal of my HPV status with the new guy I started seeing. Well, tonight we talked about it and he wasn't even phased by the information. In fact, he had an ex-girlfriend with the same condition. So this is really a weight lifted from my shoulders:)
I will keep you posted!
Asilgirl33
LAgirl81
06-22-2007, 03:40 AM
Yay, I'm glad it went well Asilgirl! :) I knew it wouldn't be too bad! Unfortunately, it's such a common situation that it's no wonder he wasn't too phased by it all. Ever since I've told my friends about my HPV/dysplasia, I've found out about SO MANY close friends, friends of friends, ex-girlfriends of friends, etc etc who've dealt with some HPV-related issue. It's really insane! So I'm glad he was understanding and here's hoping for the best for you two! :)
becks77
06-22-2007, 03:56 AM
glad all went well :-) and hope this is teh start of soemthing good!
it's amazing how common our problem is......i decided to be open with mys taff as tow hy i'm abit tired at teh mo (my tablets)a nd why i'm having bits of days off here and there, and i'm off until (?) nextw eek.
anyway tehyw ere a great support, turns out one of them has been through it themselves, another has two friends who have.....i think there rae more members of "the club" than we initially imagine.
it's funny re my relationship: my boyfriend of 18months has been so supportive to me, he comes to teh hospital with me holds my hand, hasnt let it fera him atall. even when we've had to have the "what if i cant carrya child full term as a result" talk.
where as my ex, who is my best buddy and has been ever since we split 2 year ago, he has started freaking out. he is supportive to me, but he is also worried about his future partners, is going to speak to teh docs, what if he cant have sex without condoms in future,w hat if he suddenly wnats children, and oh i had piles for the first time a year ago, what it they werent piles buta ctually hpv...anyoen woudl think he is teh one going in for treatment!
it's amazing how common our problem is......i decided to be open with mys taff as tow hy i'm abit tired at teh mo (my tablets)a nd why i'm having bits of days off here and there, and i'm off until (?) nextw eek.
anyway tehyw ere a great support, turns out one of them has been through it themselves, another has two friends who have.....i think there rae more members of "the club" than we initially imagine.
it's funny re my relationship: my boyfriend of 18months has been so supportive to me, he comes to teh hospital with me holds my hand, hasnt let it fera him atall. even when we've had to have the "what if i cant carrya child full term as a result" talk.
where as my ex, who is my best buddy and has been ever since we split 2 year ago, he has started freaking out. he is supportive to me, but he is also worried about his future partners, is going to speak to teh docs, what if he cant have sex without condoms in future,w hat if he suddenly wnats children, and oh i had piles for the first time a year ago, what it they werent piles buta ctually hpv...anyoen woudl think he is teh one going in for treatment!
asilgirl33
06-27-2007, 03:24 AM
Not a good update ladies...
The guy I've been dating, who i thought was okay with my HPV status, just told me tonight that he will need to "postpone any sexual activity with me until he's sure I'm the one".
His reason being that he didn't want to pass along the virus to anyone else in the future (which is a good thing) and unless he knew he was going to be in a serious relationship with me, he didn't want to take the risk.
Now, I did post that his ex-girlfriend had cervical cancer; whether it was caused by HPV I don't know, and apparently he doesn't either. My assumption was that her CC was HPV related, and therefore he had been exposed (or the one who had exposed her) and that was why he didn't seem to be phased with my news. But tonight I could tell there was something different in the way he kissed me goodnight and how he held me that something was coming. My heart sank, ladies. I felt like damaged goods that just got tossed into trash. :confused:
The interesting thing was he kept telling me how much he liked me, and that he wanted to continue seeing me because he enjoyed my company, but i wonder if he's just "being nice" or trying to phase me out, or is he being a jerk by making me feel like a health hazard. He could have HPV for all he knows!
So, I'm a little emotional right now because I now see how my future dating experiences are going to unfold. I'm telling myself that I can handle this, and I know that I can, but this is all just SO UNFAIR!!! I'm angry. I'm hurt. I want to SCREAM at the man who gave this to me. I don't want to feel WEIRD for the rest of my life!! I like this guy. I know there are other men out there, but I'm left with this cloud over my head with a constant reminder of my HPV status that will always leave the door open for rejection:mad: ....okay....all done with that...I just had to get that out:p
So now, ladies, to my real questions: Does it sound like he's giving me the run around, or is he actually being a great, honest guy that is willing to "stay the course" until he knows I'm "the one"? Should I even continue spending time with him? I don't want to find myself in a situation where 3, 6 months down the line I have fallen completely for him and he decides that I'm not worth the risk! It's almost as if he's "asking" me to wait for HIM to make up his mind while he dates and sleeps with other women. And if there is no one better, then he'll settle for the girl with HPV!
Please give me your thoughts on this one...I need other perspectives....THANK YOU for letting me ramble:)
LOVE. HEALTH. JOY.
Asilgirl33
The guy I've been dating, who i thought was okay with my HPV status, just told me tonight that he will need to "postpone any sexual activity with me until he's sure I'm the one".
His reason being that he didn't want to pass along the virus to anyone else in the future (which is a good thing) and unless he knew he was going to be in a serious relationship with me, he didn't want to take the risk.
Now, I did post that his ex-girlfriend had cervical cancer; whether it was caused by HPV I don't know, and apparently he doesn't either. My assumption was that her CC was HPV related, and therefore he had been exposed (or the one who had exposed her) and that was why he didn't seem to be phased with my news. But tonight I could tell there was something different in the way he kissed me goodnight and how he held me that something was coming. My heart sank, ladies. I felt like damaged goods that just got tossed into trash. :confused:
The interesting thing was he kept telling me how much he liked me, and that he wanted to continue seeing me because he enjoyed my company, but i wonder if he's just "being nice" or trying to phase me out, or is he being a jerk by making me feel like a health hazard. He could have HPV for all he knows!
So, I'm a little emotional right now because I now see how my future dating experiences are going to unfold. I'm telling myself that I can handle this, and I know that I can, but this is all just SO UNFAIR!!! I'm angry. I'm hurt. I want to SCREAM at the man who gave this to me. I don't want to feel WEIRD for the rest of my life!! I like this guy. I know there are other men out there, but I'm left with this cloud over my head with a constant reminder of my HPV status that will always leave the door open for rejection:mad: ....okay....all done with that...I just had to get that out:p
So now, ladies, to my real questions: Does it sound like he's giving me the run around, or is he actually being a great, honest guy that is willing to "stay the course" until he knows I'm "the one"? Should I even continue spending time with him? I don't want to find myself in a situation where 3, 6 months down the line I have fallen completely for him and he decides that I'm not worth the risk! It's almost as if he's "asking" me to wait for HIM to make up his mind while he dates and sleeps with other women. And if there is no one better, then he'll settle for the girl with HPV!
Please give me your thoughts on this one...I need other perspectives....THANK YOU for letting me ramble:)
LOVE. HEALTH. JOY.
Asilgirl33
LAgirl81
06-27-2007, 05:17 AM
Oh asilgirl,
I'm sorry you're going through this. HPV and dysplasia is hard enough to deal with and then you have relationship problems...ugh!
Ok I'm going to be blunt with you and tell you exactly what I think is going on here. Granted, I don't know you or this guy very well, but I'm offering an objective, 3rd party response here.
I have a friend who went through a very similar situation to yours. She had just started seeing this guy and they'd hit it off well. During this time, she was diagonised with dysplasia (cant remember which level) and her doctor told her to get cyro. Naturally, she had to let this new guy know that she was going in for a procedure and about her HPV.
The guy's reaction? He was a total a**hole about it (I know we can't cuss here but it's just too appropriate here!). He fed her some line about how he wasn't sure he could handle the health responsibilities of her having HPV. In essence, he made her feel that he was ending things with them based on her body and health issues.
A few months later, she tells me that what really happened was this guy had was actually talking to another girl at the same time and became more interested in the other girl. So instead of being up-front to my friend and saying he'd met someone else, he made her feel that the demise of their relationship was due to her body issues. A very pig thing to do! So she realized what a jerk he was and felt better later on when she found out the truth and didnt feel as much shame for her condition.
I know these two guys are different, but there are some similarities here.
Firstly, DO NOT ATTRIBUTE ANY STIGMA TO THIS *nor* should you let HIM try to stigmatize or shame you for having HPV! Remember that 80% of women AND MEN will have some type of HPV by the time they turn 30 years old. THIS INCLUDES YOUR GUY. You are not damaged goods, you are a woman who is on top of her health and is taking care of herself. Think of countless of other women out there who don't go for regular check-ups who have HPV and do not know it because they're not being proactive about their health. They are not better than you, they just have no idea they have HPV.
Secondly, being as though this virus is so prolific, you should not feel that you are in a minority. My best friend's mom, the gyno, says this is RAMPANT and it is essentially impossible to avoid if one is to be sexually active-- EVEN with condoms! The only way to successfully avoid HPV is to celibate!
Thirdly, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, this guy almost DEFINTELY has HPV already. If his ex had cervical cancer, we can assume almost definitely she had HPV. This means that if he didn't give it to her, he was exposed to it and is a carrier of it as well now. It seems HIGHLY hypocritical and presumptuous of him to think that *he does not have HPV*. He could have many strains, for all he knows!
Remember this is a very gendered virus. There exists *no* test for men but we can assume that most sexually men have it or have been exposed to it. Just because they go around being carefree carriers of the virus SHOULD NOT make you feel inferior or like "damaged goods." We are all in the same boat and 80% of the sexually active population has HPV. We can include this guy in that population.
Ok so bottom line is that he SHOULD NOT be making this an issue about your body or HPV. YOU MUST stress that with him and also, I think it's incredibly disrespectful of him to assume this holier-than-thou attitude by saying he doesn't want to have sex yet because he doesn't want to infect future partners if you two break up. I would be seriously offended and this all seems a bit chauvinistic.
To put it bluntly, yes, I think he's giving you the run-around. Yes, I think he's using you as a "back-up" plan so he can go fool around with other women and then come back to you. He is merely using the HPV as an excuse-- if you didn't tell him about the HPV, I bet he would've found some other excuse to use.
Sorry if I sound a bit bitter, but this type of thing gets me riled up. I don't believe he has any right to shame you this way when we can assume that he already has HPV.
Don't worry about dating-- this is not an indicator of how all men are. It is obvious this guy hasn't done his homework on how HPV works, but I'm sure you will meet plenty of men who are more respectful and informed about the virus. Please don't get discouraged! I know its upsetting but seeing my friend go through this same situation and it turned out to NOT be about HPV, well, we can just assume that these guys will use it as an excuse to back out or run around with other women.
You deserve the absolute best and don't let anyone make you feel inferior or shamed! Especially since this virus is absolutely everywhere. I hope this helped! Try and assess what's best for your life, but I honestly wouldn't wait around for ANY MAN who thinks he can come back to me as a back-up plan if no other girl works out. This isn't about the HPV so don't feel shame! Take care asilgirl and let us know what happens. :)
I'm sorry you're going through this. HPV and dysplasia is hard enough to deal with and then you have relationship problems...ugh!
Ok I'm going to be blunt with you and tell you exactly what I think is going on here. Granted, I don't know you or this guy very well, but I'm offering an objective, 3rd party response here.
I have a friend who went through a very similar situation to yours. She had just started seeing this guy and they'd hit it off well. During this time, she was diagonised with dysplasia (cant remember which level) and her doctor told her to get cyro. Naturally, she had to let this new guy know that she was going in for a procedure and about her HPV.
The guy's reaction? He was a total a**hole about it (I know we can't cuss here but it's just too appropriate here!). He fed her some line about how he wasn't sure he could handle the health responsibilities of her having HPV. In essence, he made her feel that he was ending things with them based on her body and health issues.
A few months later, she tells me that what really happened was this guy had was actually talking to another girl at the same time and became more interested in the other girl. So instead of being up-front to my friend and saying he'd met someone else, he made her feel that the demise of their relationship was due to her body issues. A very pig thing to do! So she realized what a jerk he was and felt better later on when she found out the truth and didnt feel as much shame for her condition.
I know these two guys are different, but there are some similarities here.
Firstly, DO NOT ATTRIBUTE ANY STIGMA TO THIS *nor* should you let HIM try to stigmatize or shame you for having HPV! Remember that 80% of women AND MEN will have some type of HPV by the time they turn 30 years old. THIS INCLUDES YOUR GUY. You are not damaged goods, you are a woman who is on top of her health and is taking care of herself. Think of countless of other women out there who don't go for regular check-ups who have HPV and do not know it because they're not being proactive about their health. They are not better than you, they just have no idea they have HPV.
Secondly, being as though this virus is so prolific, you should not feel that you are in a minority. My best friend's mom, the gyno, says this is RAMPANT and it is essentially impossible to avoid if one is to be sexually active-- EVEN with condoms! The only way to successfully avoid HPV is to celibate!
Thirdly, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, this guy almost DEFINTELY has HPV already. If his ex had cervical cancer, we can assume almost definitely she had HPV. This means that if he didn't give it to her, he was exposed to it and is a carrier of it as well now. It seems HIGHLY hypocritical and presumptuous of him to think that *he does not have HPV*. He could have many strains, for all he knows!
Remember this is a very gendered virus. There exists *no* test for men but we can assume that most sexually men have it or have been exposed to it. Just because they go around being carefree carriers of the virus SHOULD NOT make you feel inferior or like "damaged goods." We are all in the same boat and 80% of the sexually active population has HPV. We can include this guy in that population.
Ok so bottom line is that he SHOULD NOT be making this an issue about your body or HPV. YOU MUST stress that with him and also, I think it's incredibly disrespectful of him to assume this holier-than-thou attitude by saying he doesn't want to have sex yet because he doesn't want to infect future partners if you two break up. I would be seriously offended and this all seems a bit chauvinistic.
To put it bluntly, yes, I think he's giving you the run-around. Yes, I think he's using you as a "back-up" plan so he can go fool around with other women and then come back to you. He is merely using the HPV as an excuse-- if you didn't tell him about the HPV, I bet he would've found some other excuse to use.
Sorry if I sound a bit bitter, but this type of thing gets me riled up. I don't believe he has any right to shame you this way when we can assume that he already has HPV.
Don't worry about dating-- this is not an indicator of how all men are. It is obvious this guy hasn't done his homework on how HPV works, but I'm sure you will meet plenty of men who are more respectful and informed about the virus. Please don't get discouraged! I know its upsetting but seeing my friend go through this same situation and it turned out to NOT be about HPV, well, we can just assume that these guys will use it as an excuse to back out or run around with other women.
You deserve the absolute best and don't let anyone make you feel inferior or shamed! Especially since this virus is absolutely everywhere. I hope this helped! Try and assess what's best for your life, but I honestly wouldn't wait around for ANY MAN who thinks he can come back to me as a back-up plan if no other girl works out. This isn't about the HPV so don't feel shame! Take care asilgirl and let us know what happens. :)
asilgirl33
06-27-2007, 01:10 PM
Hey LAgirl,
Thank you SO MUCH for your candor in this situation. It is EXACTLY what I needed to hear:)
As much as I would like to believe the opposite, I know in my heart that he has in fact created his exit stradegy. When he told me "his concerns" outside my door after he gave me a hug (quite different from how he usually left me) I new he was breaking it off with me. It didn't make sense. Especially his reaction after I told him about my HPV status.
The night I told him about my HPV, he was so understanding and supportive, I thought we really took things to another level. He even quoted all the facts relating to the virus. We were all over each other that night, so much so that if I had given him the green light, we would've had sex without question!!! So his reason for needing to "postpone any sexual relations" was absolute BULL$^%$T!!
You are right, LAgirl. This potential prince has indeed turned back into a smelly little toad:p
Oh well...thank you once again, and I'm sorry your friend had to go through this too.
So I have another question: Do you think I should just disappear and not call him or accept any of his calls (if he ever calls me agian) or do you think I should call him up, set up an outing and give him a piece of my mind?
Thank you SO MUCH for your candor in this situation. It is EXACTLY what I needed to hear:)
As much as I would like to believe the opposite, I know in my heart that he has in fact created his exit stradegy. When he told me "his concerns" outside my door after he gave me a hug (quite different from how he usually left me) I new he was breaking it off with me. It didn't make sense. Especially his reaction after I told him about my HPV status.
The night I told him about my HPV, he was so understanding and supportive, I thought we really took things to another level. He even quoted all the facts relating to the virus. We were all over each other that night, so much so that if I had given him the green light, we would've had sex without question!!! So his reason for needing to "postpone any sexual relations" was absolute BULL$^%$T!!
You are right, LAgirl. This potential prince has indeed turned back into a smelly little toad:p
Oh well...thank you once again, and I'm sorry your friend had to go through this too.
So I have another question: Do you think I should just disappear and not call him or accept any of his calls (if he ever calls me agian) or do you think I should call him up, set up an outing and give him a piece of my mind?
LAgirl81
06-27-2007, 05:02 PM
Hi asilgirl,
Well, to know that he knew all about HPV and still had the nerve to make this situation about your body truly is a despicable thing he did. I could maybe understand if the guy had NO idea how HPV worked and thought maybe it was the same as herpes-- well then, I can see how ignorance about the virus could be off-putting.
But the guy knows about HPV! And how common it is! AND that he PROBABLY has it b/c his EX has it!
And yeah, that detail about him wanting sex that one night should tell you right there what this whole situation is about.
I'm really sorry asilgirl-- it makes me mad to know that another girl, like my friend (who is gorgeous and sweet and funny and intelligent, as you are I'm sure!), is being subjected to this crap.
Don't let him make you feel inferior. Remember he has HPV too (we can't know for certain, but we can deduce this from his history) and that 80% of sexually people have it too. Just because someone hasn't tested themselves for HPV doesn't mean they don't have it. It's everywhere, it's rampant, and because of this, it shouldn't have to affect your social life.
Regarding your question on what you should do, that's totally up to you. Do you feel like you need to give him a piece of your mind? Or do you not care enough about it to have a talk with him?
I think maybe letting him know where you stand may be important. If I were you, I'd definitely sit him down and let him know what I think of his lame excuse. He is making this situation about your body and we all know this is bullsh*t. If you do meet him and talk to him, try not to sound accusatory or contentious, but be confident, calm, collected and sound knowledgeable about the virus.
And remember with the next guy you date, don't think of yourself as diseased and damaged goods. Think of how the next guy you'll date and how he probably already has HPV. This is what I would assume if I were single-- if there's no way to test men for HPV, well then I'm going to assume he already has it. Keep this fact about how prolific HPV is in the back of your mind-- trust me, it will make you feel less isolated and less like "damaged goods." This means that 80% of us are "damaged goods" haha! ;)
Take care asilgirl. Sorry again to hear of your disappointment, but think of this as a great relationship weeder. Lots of women on this board, myself included, have met great guys in the face of all our HPV turmoil who haven't let that phase them. So they are out there and you will meet one! :) Be positive and try not to let this foolish man let you down. Have a good afternoon! :)
Well, to know that he knew all about HPV and still had the nerve to make this situation about your body truly is a despicable thing he did. I could maybe understand if the guy had NO idea how HPV worked and thought maybe it was the same as herpes-- well then, I can see how ignorance about the virus could be off-putting.
But the guy knows about HPV! And how common it is! AND that he PROBABLY has it b/c his EX has it!
And yeah, that detail about him wanting sex that one night should tell you right there what this whole situation is about.
I'm really sorry asilgirl-- it makes me mad to know that another girl, like my friend (who is gorgeous and sweet and funny and intelligent, as you are I'm sure!), is being subjected to this crap.
Don't let him make you feel inferior. Remember he has HPV too (we can't know for certain, but we can deduce this from his history) and that 80% of sexually people have it too. Just because someone hasn't tested themselves for HPV doesn't mean they don't have it. It's everywhere, it's rampant, and because of this, it shouldn't have to affect your social life.
Regarding your question on what you should do, that's totally up to you. Do you feel like you need to give him a piece of your mind? Or do you not care enough about it to have a talk with him?
I think maybe letting him know where you stand may be important. If I were you, I'd definitely sit him down and let him know what I think of his lame excuse. He is making this situation about your body and we all know this is bullsh*t. If you do meet him and talk to him, try not to sound accusatory or contentious, but be confident, calm, collected and sound knowledgeable about the virus.
And remember with the next guy you date, don't think of yourself as diseased and damaged goods. Think of how the next guy you'll date and how he probably already has HPV. This is what I would assume if I were single-- if there's no way to test men for HPV, well then I'm going to assume he already has it. Keep this fact about how prolific HPV is in the back of your mind-- trust me, it will make you feel less isolated and less like "damaged goods." This means that 80% of us are "damaged goods" haha! ;)
Take care asilgirl. Sorry again to hear of your disappointment, but think of this as a great relationship weeder. Lots of women on this board, myself included, have met great guys in the face of all our HPV turmoil who haven't let that phase them. So they are out there and you will meet one! :) Be positive and try not to let this foolish man let you down. Have a good afternoon! :)
rosequartz
06-27-2007, 05:17 PM
I wouldn't bring HPV up with any partners. It's so common and it's basically harmless to most people, especially men. You will most likely be using condoms anyway, so there is nothing to worry about.......don't tell.
It's not like you have herpes, gonnorreah, something worrysome.....I would never advise you the same way if that was the case
It's not like you have herpes, gonnorreah, something worrysome.....I would never advise you the same way if that was the case
furtiva
06-27-2007, 05:21 PM
I wouldn't bring HPV up with any partners. It's so common and it's basically harmless to most people, especially men. You will most likely be using condoms anyway, so there is nothing to worry about.......don't tell.
It's not like you have herpes, gonnorreah, something worrysome.....I would never advise you the same way if that was the case
actually condoms don't necessarly protect you from HPV..but, I think rosequartz is very right that this is something you need to take care and men probably have it (since no test is there to prove it for them doesn't mean they don't have it already), It's your cervix that's changing anyway. Unless you have visible warts...
This particualr guy sounds so unworthy, epsecially given the fact that he doesn't count himself as a carrier already after his ex went through this.
It's not like you have herpes, gonnorreah, something worrysome.....I would never advise you the same way if that was the case
actually condoms don't necessarly protect you from HPV..but, I think rosequartz is very right that this is something you need to take care and men probably have it (since no test is there to prove it for them doesn't mean they don't have it already), It's your cervix that's changing anyway. Unless you have visible warts...
This particualr guy sounds so unworthy, epsecially given the fact that he doesn't count himself as a carrier already after his ex went through this.
LAgirl81
06-27-2007, 06:51 PM
I agree with rosequartz and furtiva completely. Considering how rampant it is, there may be no point bringing it up until you are much closer to the guy you're dating. And I'd only bring it up if it were a current problem (e.g. getting treatment for dysplasia, etc).
Another point, and I'm sorry to use generalizations, but I think it's relevant in this case. I think in many societies and cultures, *on the whole*, men are more sexually promiscuous than women are. They typically start having sex before women. I'm not saying every man is a manwh*re and every woman is a chaste prude, but I'm just generalizing here. So if we keep this in mind, then we can safely assume that most men are carriers of HPV. Of the few men I've slept with, the number of partners they'd had in the past HEAVILY outweighed the numbers of partners I've had. And this goes for all my girlfriends and their current boyfriends (most of them had very sexually promiscuous pasts).
I'm not passing judgement here, but I'm just pointing out that I believe most sexually active men are carriers and for this guy to pretend he is a vestel, pure man clean of HPV is absolutely ludicrous and insulting. You are better off without him! :) Good luck asilgirl!
Another point, and I'm sorry to use generalizations, but I think it's relevant in this case. I think in many societies and cultures, *on the whole*, men are more sexually promiscuous than women are. They typically start having sex before women. I'm not saying every man is a manwh*re and every woman is a chaste prude, but I'm just generalizing here. So if we keep this in mind, then we can safely assume that most men are carriers of HPV. Of the few men I've slept with, the number of partners they'd had in the past HEAVILY outweighed the numbers of partners I've had. And this goes for all my girlfriends and their current boyfriends (most of them had very sexually promiscuous pasts).
I'm not passing judgement here, but I'm just pointing out that I believe most sexually active men are carriers and for this guy to pretend he is a vestel, pure man clean of HPV is absolutely ludicrous and insulting. You are better off without him! :) Good luck asilgirl!
asilgirl33
06-28-2007, 01:21 AM
Hello Ladies,
Thank you so much for your advice in this matter. I can see all sides of the argument regarding telling the guy or not telling the guy. But I personally believe that the other person has a right to know regardless if they are at risk or not. I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing that i was keeping something from someone inspite of how common HPV is. I would want to know, because I want to have the choice to decide how I'm going to deal with the issue.
This guy used my condition as an excuse to end things with me. I see that now. Will I tell the next guy? Absolutely, but I will definitely wait a little bit longer. I truly believed my decision to tell him was the right time. And like you mentioned, LAgirl, if it wasn't about the HPV, it would've been about something else.
So...life goes on. This was a "good" experience for me. :)
Thank you for your words of support. It is truly invaluable.
In HEALTH, LOVE and JOY,
Asilgirl
Thank you so much for your advice in this matter. I can see all sides of the argument regarding telling the guy or not telling the guy. But I personally believe that the other person has a right to know regardless if they are at risk or not. I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing that i was keeping something from someone inspite of how common HPV is. I would want to know, because I want to have the choice to decide how I'm going to deal with the issue.
This guy used my condition as an excuse to end things with me. I see that now. Will I tell the next guy? Absolutely, but I will definitely wait a little bit longer. I truly believed my decision to tell him was the right time. And like you mentioned, LAgirl, if it wasn't about the HPV, it would've been about something else.
So...life goes on. This was a "good" experience for me. :)
Thank you for your words of support. It is truly invaluable.
In HEALTH, LOVE and JOY,
Asilgirl
rosequartz
06-28-2007, 10:30 AM
Hello Ladies,
Thank you so much for your advice in this matter. I can see all sides of the argument regarding telling the guy or not telling the guy. But I personally believe that the other person has a right to know regardless if they are at risk or not. I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing that i was keeping something from someone inspite of how common HPV is. I would want to know, because I want to have the choice to decide how I'm going to deal with the issue.
This guy used my condition as an excuse to end things with me. I see that now. Will I tell the next guy? Absolutely, but I will definitely wait a little bit longer. I truly believed my decision to tell him was the right time. And like you mentioned, LAgirl, if it wasn't about the HPV, it would've been about something else.
So...life goes on. This was a "good" experience for me. :)
Thank you for your words of support. It is truly invaluable.
In HEALTH, LOVE and JOY,
Asilgirl
your approach is honorable, no doubt, but it's self-defeating. guys don't know enough about it......they're ignorant, basically for the most part. even if you try to educate them, they will probably still have a stigma. do what you want, but it's just not worth it, IMO. as someone else said, how many guys are running around with it? have you ever had a guy tell you he had it? you got it somewhere, my guess is some guy gave it to you.
I stand by my original advice, don't tell!
:angel:
Thank you so much for your advice in this matter. I can see all sides of the argument regarding telling the guy or not telling the guy. But I personally believe that the other person has a right to know regardless if they are at risk or not. I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing that i was keeping something from someone inspite of how common HPV is. I would want to know, because I want to have the choice to decide how I'm going to deal with the issue.
This guy used my condition as an excuse to end things with me. I see that now. Will I tell the next guy? Absolutely, but I will definitely wait a little bit longer. I truly believed my decision to tell him was the right time. And like you mentioned, LAgirl, if it wasn't about the HPV, it would've been about something else.
So...life goes on. This was a "good" experience for me. :)
Thank you for your words of support. It is truly invaluable.
In HEALTH, LOVE and JOY,
Asilgirl
your approach is honorable, no doubt, but it's self-defeating. guys don't know enough about it......they're ignorant, basically for the most part. even if you try to educate them, they will probably still have a stigma. do what you want, but it's just not worth it, IMO. as someone else said, how many guys are running around with it? have you ever had a guy tell you he had it? you got it somewhere, my guess is some guy gave it to you.
I stand by my original advice, don't tell!
:angel:
becks77
06-28-2007, 10:50 AM
why not ask the chappy concerned to speka to his gp if he has any worries?
i say that a smy ex was at his gps today (and we are still good friends, have been fro a few years since we split up, hence why he knows about my dysplasia).....prior to teh gps he'd been thinking "what do i do to stop me passing it on"....and also wa skind of annoyed with me, a sthought i'd ruined his future sex life (w edont even know if i haver hpv never mind him, and even if i do theres no saying ita int my current chap of two year whos been extremely calm abt it all, who gave it me!).
anyway i gota text earlier, teh gp had basically confirmed everything i'd told him that anyoen who has sexxual intercourse is open to hpv, and that the majority of peopel carry soem strain of teh virus. i think deep down he just needed to hear it from soemone other than me....now he even accepts its possibel we both already carried it!
i say that a smy ex was at his gps today (and we are still good friends, have been fro a few years since we split up, hence why he knows about my dysplasia).....prior to teh gps he'd been thinking "what do i do to stop me passing it on"....and also wa skind of annoyed with me, a sthought i'd ruined his future sex life (w edont even know if i haver hpv never mind him, and even if i do theres no saying ita int my current chap of two year whos been extremely calm abt it all, who gave it me!).
anyway i gota text earlier, teh gp had basically confirmed everything i'd told him that anyoen who has sexxual intercourse is open to hpv, and that the majority of peopel carry soem strain of teh virus. i think deep down he just needed to hear it from soemone other than me....now he even accepts its possibel we both already carried it!