I know that you all are having and are going through rough times right now.... It's ok. I just wanted you all to know that we care, and we are here if you need us...Or if you just need to vent. Start a new thread....Scream, yell, cry, or use my bat :D . Whatever you need, we are all here...

Hang in there, this too shall pass......

Hugs,

Sid

Sid,
You are always so good to be concerned about everyone - even when you are going through hell yourself. I read your post to ICC about the wake today. I have been thinking of you a lot during this whole ordeal. I'm sorry that I've been so lousy at helping you.
When you love someone through serving them, there is a bond that is formed that nothing can break. You have made a difference in the lives of this family. They have made a difference in yours. This is a very special gift. I am glad for you that you have had this wonderful experience - knowing Drew and his family and being able to beat your triggers throughout this entire process. You've done really well. In time, you'll process the pain and hold onto the love.

Things have been overwhelming for the past couple of weeks. I think I finally buckled under. Memorial Day was the birthday of my good friend who passed away in December. He would have been 92 this year. He was also a war veteran (WWII). I have missed him a lot and felt especially sad when we visited his grave the Sunday before Memorial Day. He was a great man. He died of the complications of neglect at a local nursing home. Because he had no children or immediate family (I was his POA, etc...) the nursing home staff treated him horribly, despite our many complaints. It was disgusting to see a man who once fought for our country treated with so little dignity. Anyway... that churned up a lot of stuff.

Then, I received a letter from a good friend of mine that proceded to tell me how I had offended her over the past year or so. I'm glad that she communicated this with me, but the letter really caught me off guard. I was really upset and found myself analyzing how I interact with everyone around me. Am I so soaked up with my own problems that I am hurting those around me? Then, when I found myself unable to offer support on this board, I just kind of unravelled.

There's more, but I think I've said enough for now.

Take care of yourself, Sid. I hope you can feel Drew's spirit softly speaking to you over the next few days. I hope you can feel peace.

Beka

FTM, Nikki and Carolyn,

I hope the three of you are as well as you can be. You are in my thoughts as well.

Beka

Hanging tough here...thanks for the thoughts!

Neurosurgeon surgical evaluation on Wed and Thu this week in Philadelphia. That is my focus for the week.

Carolyn

Beka........What trying times you're having. You know I never took care of myself and always worried about offeneding others or not taking care of their needs. Spent my whole life doing it. It really takes it's toll on you. I'm sorry to hear of your's friends passing. Death is so hard. losing loved ones is so hard. It takes all of your energy just to accept it and go on. As far as your friends letter please take your time in thinking about this. Doesn't mean you have neglected anyone in trying to free yourelf of the bondage of PTSD. it just means you want to heal. Maybe you have put your needs first. That' sOK my friend. I still feel bad about my words and attitude yesterday but it is the first time I have ever really screamed that I need support. I did , I got it, I'm better today thanks to all of you. Maybe I didn't go about it in the best way but I had to do what I had to do. I have no guilt BUT do know that I could have been calmer and more adult and just simply said "I need everyone's help" I'll get there someday as we all will.

Carolyn......Prayers are with you in your journey. Please let us know when you get back and have answers. Be safe.


ICC

Beka,

Is it possible that YOU are getting healthy and your friend doesn't LIKE the changes in you. This is part of the healing process that others HATE!!!! We change, and THEY don't like it, they don't know what to expect. We are different, we do things in a healthy way, and they are left still doing unhealthy things. It is so hard. Sometimes we have to leave people behind at this point, because they tend to DO things to make us revert to OLD BAD behavior.

Think about the letter, is it REALLY YOU, or is it your friend just trying to upset the apple cart so to speak????? Something to ponder for the day.

IMO.... I don't think it's you... But I care about you, am concerned, so I take your side....HHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMm Who's healthy in that way of thinking. It's all about SUPPORT, SUPPORT, SUPPORT..... True friends DON'T fight you, they support you.

Many hugs,

Sid

Beka....Sid put it better than anyone could. She's totally right. I still never want to believe that friends, family would hur tyou because you're getting better and they're not, or they just don't like the positive changes in us, BUT it's so true. be true to yourself. The rest will follow.


ICC

Sid and ICC,
Despite what you have going on, you two just keep on giving, supporting and loving everyone on these boards. Thank you for the kind words and support. You guys are great.

As far as the letter from my friend goes - she was totally valid in what she had to say. I actually wrote her a reply letter that explained my point of view. Then we got together and talked and hugged and now we're right back on track. She is an amazing person that does nothing but pull me to higher ground. She knows nothing of the PTSD. Only my husband, therapist and dr know about that. But, my friend is great - I think that's why I was so upset by the letter. I hadn't intended to hurt her, but I had been negligent. Wrapped up in my own stuff. I'm glad she thought enough of our friendship to say something before we drifted beyond reconciliation. It's all good now.

I think it may be time for a med change/adjustment. Usually I can pull myself out of the spiral pretty quickly these days, but for the last couple of weeks, I'm just stuck. Problems that I can usually get through seem to be pressing down on me and I just can't get out from under them. I'm stuck with EMDR as well. For some reason, my brain just won't let me get to the heart of the issue. It's frustrating.

Anyway... I can whine better than anyone else that I know. :) Things will be okay.

Sid, I hope you are well today. Is today Drew's funeral? Let us all know how you're doing.

ICC, how's the pain level today? I hope you're getting some relief.

Take care, ladies,

Beka

Beka,

Drew's funeral was today....The church was packed, upstairs, downstairs, standing room only. The service was from 11-12:30. 2 ministers. 1 was a friend of Drew's fathers, 1 was a friend of Drew's mother. 5 speakers, and the most amazing bell ringers I have ever heard.....1 of the speakers Drew's friend of 10 years..... Couldn't do it. He tried so hard, but could do nothing but stand at the podium and cry like a baby. The entire church broke down at that point. His mother finally had to read the letter he had written. The head master of Drew's school spoke, one of his teachers,( I work for him too) and 2 more of Drew's friends. There were tears, crying, sobbing, laughter, remembrance, and a sense of great loss. No matter how hard we all tried, the one thing in common was the loss of a very gifted, special child, that was robbed of his potential.

After the service, we went outside to find a tent as long as the front lawn. 7 banquet tables were under it filled with food. These people are the foodiest people I have ever met. One of them said to me... Our MOTTO is, "Feed them and they shall come." I just may return...........YUMMY stuff.

It will be hard for a long time to come. This was an extraordinary child. He really touched the hearts and lives of everyone he came in contact with. Very special child, so full of love... I will miss him....My :angel:

Hugs Beka,

Keep fighting to get better. We are here to help...

Sid

Sid,
It sounds like the feeling at Drew's funeral was definitely one of great love for the amazing person that he was. How did his mom hold up? Any crying yet? I guess we all mourn in our own way. That must have been a very long, hard road for both of them - for all of you, really.

For all that you've been through with this, Sid, you seem like you are sad, but relatively at peace. Am I reading you right? I hope I am. You seem to have a great perspective of Drew's passing. I don't know how you would get through it otherwise.

Take care of yourself, Sid.

Beka

ICC,
I just wanted to point out that you are right - it's the constant doing everything for everyone else and forgetting to take care of ourselves that keeps us at that near-breaking point. I know Sid has said it, too - "do something for yourself every day."

So true!

Beka

Morning Beka........It really does help to do for youself in keeping you in the hear and now and reinforcing that you can get well, take care of yourself and goon. Just because we learn how to meet our own needs and maybe at times put others after us does in no way inply selfishness. Remeber Sid saying in a post that she was getting a pedicure or nails done? Sorry Sid i don't remember which?????? That's doing something for yourelf through a horrible time to stay grounded, take your mind off of things going on,taking a break in the thought process. I am glad you and your friend are Ok now but do have a questiion. Why haven't you told her about the PTSD? Just curious. If she knew and youfelt you were negligent towards her it might have explained things. I'm sure you have your reasons, and don't have to explain, I'm just being my curious self.

ICC

Sid......Absolutely amazing how Drew's mon had to take over. That's what I meant when I had said that sometimes the Mother is everyone's saving grace through all of this horror. Don't know how we do it but I guess knowing how much everyone loves our children helps to keep us calm for a time. I also believe a little of it is dissociation and makes us do what we have todo to get through it all. In the up coming weeks is when you want to keep an eye on her and be there for her. What a wonderful young man who has brought so much love and comfort to so many people. I am here for you in the weeks to come also. Yo'll have flashbacks and cry when you least expect it. Time does allow the hurt to subside and the good memories to fill the void.

ICC

Beka,

That's one of the reasons I keep telling you to go draw something. Time for you. You love to draw, and it would be productive alos. Along with healing.


Carolyn,


Good luck, let us know what's going on OK????????


FTM..........hhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm What am I going to do with you????? Keep say the serenity prayer.....Let go of the things that you have no control over, and try and deal with the things that you can......

Hugs all,

Sid

ICC,

To answer your question - why my I haven't told my friend about the PTSD... Basically, if there is one thing that I have learned to do really well during my lifetime, it's how to keep a secret. Details of my life are on a need to know basis only. That is why I feel this board is so liberating - I can be open here. I can be open with my therapist. Part of the reason my friend was upset with me is that she said I wasn't confiding in her.

While I've resolved things with my friend, I still haven't been totally honest with her, and won't be 100% honest until I reveal the PTSD issues. But, that probably won't happen. She knows I struggle with anxiety and depression, but I've never disclosed the reasons why.

When I tried to tell my family about the abuse, they clammed up on me. When I finally came out and told my mother, she brushed me off. I won't set myself up for that ever again. The first time I told the details of my abuse to anyone was about 5 or 6 months ago, to my current therapist, with whom I'm doing EMDR. I had to tell her details in order for the therapy to be effective.

To people around me, I am someone that other people turn to. I am active in our church and I have a busy career. I take care of my little one with autism, as well as our other children. My husband has a busy career. I do have a good life, but people around me expect me to be strong. I expect myself to be strong. I guess on some level, I'm basically a fake, because I don't share the PTSD part of my life with anyone. Somewhere in my mind, if I share it, it will seep into that "normal" part of my life where PTSD just doesn't belong.

I know, screwed up thinking, isn't it? I guess I'm still adjusting to the diagnosis. It's relatively new and I'm just not sure where it all fits, yet.... if it fits at all.

Okay, so I'm rambling. I think this is mild sleep deprevation talking here. Sorry...

Bottom line, I don't share the PTSD details because I am a coward.

Beka

Sid,
I know... my art supplies are collecting dust again. But, it won't be that way forever. I think I need you to take a couple of good hard swings at me with your bat! :)

How are you feeling today about Drew?


Beka

Beka,

I am doing better. Still have sad moments through out the day, when I think that I will never see him again. I know that he is so much better off. Even if his life was cut short, at least he isn't struggling for every breath.

Beka,

I will tell you a story... I guess I have had PTSD MOST of my life. 10 yrs ago, I tried suicide for the 7th time. It was then that I finally told a shrink what was going on in my head. he Dx'ed me with PTSD. Part of my therapy...... I had to CALL EVERYONE I work for and EVERYONE of my friends from the hospital. Tell them what I did, and tell them that I had PTSD... My shrink at the time was the head of the ward. He believed that in order to completely heal, YOU have to ACCEPT it, ACKNOWLEDGE IT, and BE HONEST about it........

Something to think about.

NOW go and draw a picture, and paint one of me.......OMG that ought to be FUNNY!!!

Love you,

Sid

Beka, is there any shame going on here? I used to feel ashamed of my dysfunctional upbringing/family and my anxiety until I realized that there is another way to deal with this stuff. When I stopped hiding it, a huge burden was lifted. I didn't run down the street telling everyone, but if it ever came up I would reveal whatever was appropriate instead of getting all anxious about my issues if they were touched upon in conversations.

I also hear you saying that you want to keep a part of your life PTSD-free? Maybe it is time to integrate Beka in all areas of her life? You might gain a lot of energy by doing this?

Thanks Beka.....I do understand. about 6-8 weeks ago I said several times here that I intended to spend sometime fogetting that I had PTSD because I was sick of it's %^&. I did. spent about 2-3 weeks never thinking about it. It's a nice feeling. BUT I have come back to reality. My craziness the other day was a cry for help. I was losing it, the PTSD was threatening a comeback and I knew I would lose it if I didn't come here for help. As far as sharing with outsiders ( others, not here) ;) I guess everyone is different. I had the same situation as Sid. Counselor told me to make sure not all, but some people I was close to knew I had it and what to look for. The reason I didn't tell all was because I already had labels I didn't like. So I went to the closest poeple in my life including a co-worker and spilled the beans. I chose wisely. All that I told have supported me since they knew and undertand when something is triggering a flare up. Maybe someday. It sounds like yo don't want to be labeled , that you think people will think less of you. what do you think ???

Grasshopper

Sid,Sannah, ICC -

You are all absolutely right.

Sid - PTSD is something that I need to accept. I know that my healing will never be complete until I just become completely honest with myself and everyone around me. Sometimes I feel like a complete hypocrite. The depression and anxiety is no secret and I openly encourage others that I work with and that I go to church with to seek help if they need it, too. I've just lived 29 years with this "dirty little secret." Even though, my rational self will say that it wasn't my fault....

Sannah - my best friend is shame. So, yes... I am ashamed. I will also say that I have ALLOWED shame to become a HABIT. Shame was drilled into me growing up and it seems like it's a part of me now. I'm trying to find the boundaries between myself and shame. Once I can define those a little bit, I will have more control over how much I actually feel shame. Am I making a lick of sense? I'm kind of rambling here...

ICC - I have been labeled so much already by my family members. I finally feel like in a lot of ways, I'm standing on my own two feet - and feel like there are people who actually like me for who I am. I am not prepared to throw the big PTSD stone in that pond and watch the ripple effect.

Overall, I am going to whip this crap, but it's probably not going to happen all in one day. The last couple of weeks has been a deep spiral full of crazy thoughts bouncing around in my head like a bunch of hyperactive ping-pong balls. It's like when you get the flu - it completely comes out of no where, blindsides you for a while, but eventually, you get back on your feet. Same way with this crazy little cycle. I never saw it coming....


Anyway..... blah, blah. blah..... :rolleyes:

Love you guys,
Beka

Sid,
I'm glad that you are doing better as far as Drew's passing. You were so brave through all of this. Who knows - you just may see him again someday. Wouldn't that be a joyful reunion!

Beka

Beka,


I know that I will see him again. Well at least I hope. I know that he is in heaven and sits with god. I'm not so sure if my life here on earth will warrant being able to go to heaven, but I can dream about it. :)

Hugs,

Sid

PS I feel blessed that a child this young, and my love for him, helped me to be able to say goodbye without the fear, and PTSD flashbacks stopping me....

Good morning..........:yawn:

Beka------ I hear you loud and clear and understand. We are all different and different strategies work for each of us. When I was told to tell someone about the PTSD my cunselor always harped on me to keep myself safe physially, mentally and emotionally. SInce I was starting to dissociate quite frequently, including while at work I really didn't have a choice. Chose my husband, both daughters, 1 co-worker, a guidance counselor where I worked that ws also my friend of many years and my PCP. PCP has supported me and helped me many times. My husbnad threw it at me once. That will never happen again. All have helped me to see when I was "leaving". The all also already knew what brought it on so the secret was already out. your case is different. Not until you're ready. Until you accept it all, no one else can. As long as you are progressing, you know what's best for you.

Love you,
Grasshopper

Dear Sid........You're going straight up. All God asks for is to ask his forgiveness and to sorry for your wrong doings in life. You have done that. I believe HE held your hand through Drew's passing and has helped you to do what you had to do and hold that love you have for Drew in your heart. You'll meet him again when it's time to go home. Have faith.


Love you,
Grasshopper