I am on my way to the er, I cant stand my mental and physical pain any longer! I dont know what will happen, but will try not to get drugs, Love RANDY

Hi Randy
I hope this finds you feeling better I just wanted you to know that Im thinking of you and will be checking in to see how your doing

Hi Randy,

Please let us know how you are doing! This is so hard, but we all know at the same time you're sick of the pills too and really don't want to do them.
Please take care of yourself!
Praying for you!
Shay

Went to a aa friend instead of the ER, I want to stop feeling this pain in my head so bad! I am so scared of this addiction and i am a ex marine! I dont understand what is is happening to me!!! Randy

Hi Randy!

Well good for you! :blob_fire Glad to hear you held off on the ER and turned to a friend instead.
Can you remind us how long you've been without?
It does get better I swear...How have the last few days been? Sorry, but I can't remember how long it's been.

I'm hoping you feel better soon!
Shay
:cool:

Going on 5 months now!!!!

Whew Randy...we're almost on a live chat here! HaHa! :)

5 months clean? And there's a pain in your head?

Do you have a regular doctor?

Shay, The pain in my head is addiction!! I have been using since age 13 and now am 50! I hate daeling with life, period!!! Randy

Okay...Okay...now I get ya...

Speaking from my own life exactly.....the head thing....not a real pain....a ME pain......

I'm 40 and have the same deal....about 25yrs of the same crud....

But I'll give ya this, you've got honesty......! 1,2,3 steps! Right! Man 5 months is so long in sober time....don't let go now.....That's about when I cave every time.......NOT WORTH IT! I could see it in your first post....but you did the right thing....first you came here, then you went to a friend......

hi randy. i just wanted you to know that im praying for you and i truly understand what you are going through.... i started using when i was 14 years old and i am now 42. i had 5 1/2 years sober, but i relapsed for 10 days this past may (last month) i am currently just finishing a taper on suboxone which i going well. almost done.
anyway, to get back to what you're pain - just a couple questions? i hope its okay.... how involved are you in aa? do you have a sponsor? are you involved in helping out with meetings, other addicts, etc?
also, have you found anything that you use to replace all the time spent on your addiction? by that i mean a job, a hobby, exercise, etc?

im just asking you these questions b/c when i first got sober in nov 01, (heroin) i swear i was crawling out of my skin with cravings, depression, just miserable for probably about 9 months. i just didnt want to be sober sometimes, and i fought really hard against that for a long long time. what a struggle !!! things finally eased up for me when i got more involved in the things that i could use to keep me sober, i made really really good friends in aa. i volunteered to help at the meetings. i gave my phone number to other addicts/drunks who needed help and someone to talk to. it all helped to fill that burning hole in my sole that could only be filled with drugs ...
i eventually went on to find a great interest in exercise, which helped me mentally like you woulndt believe !! i combined the two (helping people and exercise) and am now a physical trainer.
but i hope you see my point in creating other outlets for yourself. i really hoped this helped even in some small way. good luck to you randy, please write back and let me know how you're doing. im pulling for yu and praying for you...

m

OMG, What a inspiring story. I want to be clean, but I do have pain but there are other reasons I use too. I just dont like dealing with life or stress. Ive thought about meetings, but I dont know if I can do it in this town. Alot of them are some real lowlifes. Theres still two addicts(homeless girls) the participated in the murder of my exhusband. The exercise though, Ive been doing it.

Went to my Dr yesterday as i went out on disability, He started me on a drug called cymbalta for pain and depression he also put me on a low dose .25 of xanex as panic wont stop! I am so sick of being depressed! I am a very upbeat man but not lately, thinking of all of you hope you all keep staying clean Randy

Hello Randy

I think it is a good thing that you went to your doctor. Do not be afraid of your new meds. Take them as directed and I believe soon you will be feeling SO much better.

It is easy to get paranoid about taking ANY meds. Chuckles. Keep a healthy fear and it will feel more balanced for you. Cymbalta is an antidepressant that works not only on anxiety, but has properties that also work on pain. It is a dual medicine that works on two distinct systems in the body. The xanax is foor anxiety. This one, in my experience, is the one to use with caution, but certainly use. Try to take it NOT on a regular schedule and only when and as long as needed. My own opinion is that the xanax will calm you long enough to let the Cymbalta kick in and allow you to think more peacefully. It is my understanding that Cymbalta, a newer antidepressant, starts to work within days rather than the weeks of older antidepressants.

Randy, you have come so far in accepting your issues and working on them. It IS all going to turn the corner, Buddy, and you will feel happiness and be ready to proceed in life with more confidence.

Thinking of you and pulling for you.

Hugs
reach

Hey Randy - FYI, I also take Cymbalta for depression and nerve pain - it works GREAT for me. I ran out for a few days before and believe me, I don't want to be without it again.

Good Luck!!!

christy

Thanks so much for all your support, This is by far the hardest thing in my life to try to over come on a daily basis! AA works good for me as does my sponser, with his help i dont have to live alone in my head! Ladies on this board you are the best, guys to but i like ladies better! haha Randy

i used and am done! I am so sick of this i could sceam! Randy

Hey Randy

All right then, lets scream together. We just might have been born in the same year, danced to the same rebellious music in high school it makes sense to scream together cause I have been blowing it every weekend with alcohol for a little over a month now. It makes me sick Randy, so, so sick, physically, mentally and spiritually. I've been going without anything drug-wise since January, got a little hasty, washy and warty, waiting for that void to clear. I started this waiting game in May set for weekends, my addict has Friday marked as part of an internal contract of my DNA. That is my struggle. I've been around long enough to know what I have to do next. It's the WHEN and HOW that will save me again. I know I am treading in dangerous waters, I do want to be sober again but just like a lot of us, I got a little impatient and now I'm mudslipping back into that hypnotic black hole. I guess that is what they mean when they say, "a little patience goes a long way". I know it is possible to remain drug and alcohol free. I just don't understand why I keep trying to escape from myself. I have no-where left to hide. I am consumed between an emptiness and a void. I need to make a new contract. My next chapter...

**** happens, we are human

take it easy on you, I'll take it easy on me
kadee

Hi Randy

Sigh.

Randy, you sure are prolonging your agony sometimes here, Buddy. I was just rereading your thread here, and I wanted to sscream (hope you and sweet kadee don't mind me joining in the scream fest), "Enough!" Enough fighting this addiction issue... enough fighting in your Marine Man frame of mind.

My brother is an 18 wheeler trucker. Everyday he moans and groans and is full of anger about:
Stupid bosses
Jerky drivers
NYC docks
Low pay
Long hours
No consideration
No respect
Days 'til retirement

And I want to scream, "Then get a different job!"

Now he is out on comp, he has enough years to retire from trucking and is young enough to persue whatever the heck he feels is the dream job for him. And what is he doing? Moaning about truckers, moaning about not being able to live on retirement, and...see list above. If the man does not change his attitude, admit that thrucking is not a good job for him, OR accept that it is his job and invest more time enjoying the better parts of his life, he is going to end up in a too-early grave... and probably will bemoan that also.

Randy, I am not going to type out a dissertation here. I know you are smart enough to understand the parallels of this personal tale of mine. Smiles.

Get up and get moving in life, Randy! Put your focus on the sweetness of life and take advantage of the good things it has to offer!

Pulling for you
reach

Hi guys,

I've decided I will not wait, I will not lay back complacently and wait for the addict's schedule. There is enough recovery in me to wash him out with ease. I think that is one of the secret keys 'ease' An ancient key called 'ease' for my disease. If I continue to hold-out on the battleground waiting for the enemy troops to march in, I am surely going to slide backwards or maybe not even make it back to tell the tale. . So, I have decided to make a new itinery, I have spoken about doing things in opposites before, and now I have to follow my advise, it is time. Fridays have tracked themselves to be my weak days, the weekend days are shot because of sickness, so I plan to go to meetings on Friday Saturday and Sunday. The other days of the week are filled with exercise and healthy choices. Hope that does it, then I can step back up on safer ground, lay down my personal weapons and jump back into the hopscotch square of Recovery 101. Is much nicer, the gifts outweigh the problems to be sure. How about you Randy? Whatch ya up to? Are you going to join me in the 'tried n test to be true' move?

take care
kadee

Hey Randy--

I also take Cymbalta for depression, anxiety and body pain. It does start to work in a matter of days. Hang in there.

Be careful about the xanax-- I was addicted to xanax and it's a real hell to come off of. However, it is also a life saver when used properly.

Be well.

Stressed

Dandy Randy

This is not your doctor's office calling, but you friend. Please do NOT take two aspirin and call me in the morning. Please take a minute instead and come talk to me. I won't charge you for a cancelled appointment if you don't show up, but I will be sorly disappointed.

Love
reach

PS Maybe we can invite Coder to our visit?

To Randy and Kadee: hello! I'm not myself addicted, but I have an addicted mother. I've seen here that y'all have such a determination for your life to be better than I've ever seen in her. She makes "attempts" but they never seem driven by anything real. She just makes a mistake, gets arrested...so she decides she's going to change. She never does. She's been doing drugs(pills, sometimes alcohol, marijuana--but the pills are the problem)for all my life at least--I'm 27.

I'm married to a soldier with 2 children. I feel extremely lucky to have the determination about life that I do. Before I had my first child I experimented with drugs and too much with alcohol. I prob. was drunk 1/2 of my 17-19yrs. or looking for a way to get drunk. When I met my husband he drank a lot. I guess when I got pregnant my want to raise my child in a totally opposite way than I was raised prevailed over anything mind-altering. I wanted to be in control of things. I knew that was the ONLY way to give my children what they needed, which was and is a good example. And luckily my husband agreed. Their well-being is my life. It's funny, they don't know enough to appreciate this, but all the same I have it in me from somewhere to give them my all. It's a determination and a feeling of purpose for me. For them NEVER to see and experience the drug life that I was exposed to and forced to live in that broke my spirit and wounded my innocence, I truly believe. I'm not an extremely strong person, I suffer with anxiety and am talking to a psycologist. For personal preferences I'm trying to stay away from any medication. I do fear from seeing my mom's struggle that I may have the same weakness surface someday, but I'm determined to fight that do the death!

I'm sure that if you tap into what your passion is, or focus better on it--and get addicted to IT!! you'll slowly change addictions and things will be clear to you. I'm totally concerned with the environment and animals. I have my daughter(3) 24/7 now, but when she goes to school I'd like to get into some work that has to do with those things. Maybe the zoo, I dunno. I just thought I'd comment on how much potential you seem to have.

I hope for the best for you :)

Hey Randy, Are you still there? Please come back. I came back and it doesn't hurt like I thought, it's the same feeling that stopped me from getting clean in the first place. FEAR

Hi Istimer I feel for your missing spaces when you were growing up. I hope your mother gets the help needed when she allows herself too. I think you are very strong, a lot of children born into addictive families continue the cycle.

Thank you for your insight into this addiction madness. Your determination and sense of purpose to be a 100 percent available for your family and yourself is what I was striving for when I went to Detox years ago. Today I seem to be in a constant state of search n rescue. I agree with you, to clear and rechannel the energy into what I love. I pray that love will continue to keep me away from drugs and alcohol.

dream a lil dream
kadee:)

Hey 1st,

I haven't posted in a while, but lurk all the time. Your post gave me cause to come out of my lurkdome. I know where you are coming from. For me, I was only 21 when I had my first child and I didn't even want to drink a sip of anything in case my child awoke in the middle of the night. I've only been to a bar once in my life at my sister's bday party (I'm 36 now.)

Having said that, I started struggling with addiction when my kids got older. I knew/know better because it runs in the family... but it doesn't seem to stop me.

I had pain issues that were finally resolved, but the pill use didn't! It took a very passionate plea from my husband to stop the madness. And he never threatened to leave or anything... stood by me and stands by me still... even with all the H-E-double hockey sticks I put him through.

But I'm digressing here a little... I guess my point is that he is my passion. He makes me want to be a better person. I wouldn't do it for me or even for my kids, I'm ashamed to say. (Hey it didn't hurt me when I was growing up! RIIIIGGGGHHHT!) And I fear that's maybe the wrong reason? But it has worked/is working for me today and that's all I can say.

Thanks for your post.

Warmly,

KM

Hey 1st,

I haven't posted in a while, but lurk all the time. Your post gave me cause to come out of my lurkdome. I know where you are coming from. For me, I was only 21 when I had my first child and I didn't even want to drink a sip of anything in case my child awoke in the middle of the night. I've only been to a bar once in my life at my sister's bday party (I'm 36 now.)
Having said that, I started struggling with addiction when my kids got older. I knew/know better because it runs in the family... but it doesn't seem to stop me.

I had pain issues that were finally resolved, but the pill use didn't! It took a very passionate plea from my husband to stop the madness. And he never threatened to leave or anything... stood by me and stands by me still... even with all the H-E-double hockey sticks I put him through.

But I'm digressing here a little... I guess my point is that he is my passion. He makes me want to be a better person. I wouldn't do it for me or even for my kids, I'm ashamed to say. (Hey it didn't hurt me when I was growing up! RIIIIGGGGHHHT!) And I fear that's maybe the wrong reason? But it has worked/is working for me today and that's all I can say.

Thanks for your post.

Warmly,

KM

Hey KM,

This is exactly the fear I was talking about. I still drink occasionally and I feel guilty about it, but I don't have more than 2-3 beers. My husband likes to drink beer, and so do I, but with the addiction in our families(our moms and dads) it scares me that I may not be so "on guard" all the time and things could get out of control. Then I think, I'm the one who controls these things! If I get into something that fullfills me and don't just sit around in a pity-pool about things then I can enjoy a few beers every now and then. That's my right as an adult. It can also be a reward for a hard day, but I think of it like food. I have to watch what I eat or I'll be unhealthy. It's the same with alcohol. There is a limit...that's that! If we go to the store for beer, we don't get enough to get stupid off of. That way we won't find ourselves back at the store-usually by way of a drunk driver-getting more! I haven't had a night like that in years, but this is the kind of behavior that I've grown up seeing GROWN-UPS have. The ones that gave me my examples. Luckily I learned from their mistakes instead of following their examples so far, and I do know that my kids are watching me and will be all their lives. I would LOVE to be watching my mom do wonderful things even now. It would give me such a sense of pride that's priceless....I just have to do that for my kids! I have a wonderful example in my grandmother as someone who knows exactly what she wants in life and is in control of her life. She's not a good example of everything, but in some things.

Anyway, you have struck gold! Your kids will see that you have the strength to take control of the pills and benifit, I know. You keep your eyes on the prize and I'll do the same.;) Take care...

Hey everyone! Trying to get back on track! Back at meetings and hurting alot, a real lot! It does not get one ounce better if you use. Randy

Hi Randy

Glad you are back with us. Better to be back with us than somewhere out there, in Ozone, nozone, outfield. . We trick ourselves, we set ourselves up thinking we can get away with it one last time, what are we trying to get away with- more self deception? What are we running from- ourselves? If those are issues I hide from, I better stand still a bit longer to get to know myself. I'm not as horrible as what my addict thinks. I better stick around to make sure the addict beleives that. If that is the case, I would much rather walk in a straight line, instead of scambling around in broken circles, falling out of circles, falling into trouble, falling away from grace.. I can get further if I continue to walk tall, walk strong, holding God's hand. Those are the things I am looking at. How about you?

kadee

Reading some bed-time story posts with my warm milk n honey. I am happy I made it through my trigger-happier Friday without a glass.

'I'm in a new attitude of gratitude'
I'm not really addressing anyone, I guess I am signing off with a lullaby.
'I'm in a new attitude of gratitude'

See what meetings do to me
:yawn:
kadee

Back at meetings daily, calling all my friends in aa and na. My Dr put me on 025 of xanex for a very short time to get me through the panic attacks which keep coming, the panic to me is beacuse i used again, its my gods way of telling me no my friend we have gone down this road before and it does not work your way. I have suurendered agian to this scurge of drugs and know i cant do it alone! Love Randy