stick2013
06-09-2007, 01:10 PM
Hi Hon,
You haven't been on much lately, and I am kind of worried. Just wanted to know how you are feeling, and if there is anything we can do to help?????
Please let us know......
We all love n miss you..
Sid and the gang
You haven't been on much lately, and I am kind of worried. Just wanted to know how you are feeling, and if there is anything we can do to help?????
Please let us know......
We all love n miss you..
Sid and the gang
Sponsor
beka6
06-09-2007, 07:40 PM
Hi Sid,
Thanks for your concern. I am just surviving right now - kind of a strange feeling. I'm so sorry for not being there for everyone - especially with you and the loss you've had with Drew's passing. I think about everyone here, I just feel like my energy and compassion have dried up. There is not one specific thing that has sent me over the edge - it's just a culmination of so many things.
I'm uncovering things during therapy that I wish I didn't have to face.... I just need to work through it all little by little.
I hope you are doing well, Sid. Take care of yourself,
Beka
Thanks for your concern. I am just surviving right now - kind of a strange feeling. I'm so sorry for not being there for everyone - especially with you and the loss you've had with Drew's passing. I think about everyone here, I just feel like my energy and compassion have dried up. There is not one specific thing that has sent me over the edge - it's just a culmination of so many things.
I'm uncovering things during therapy that I wish I didn't have to face.... I just need to work through it all little by little.
I hope you are doing well, Sid. Take care of yourself,
Beka
ICC
06-09-2007, 08:02 PM
Beka....You are so right. little by little. one day at a time. It is so draining when you start to make headway in therapy. just remembering takes so very much out of you. Please know that prayers and thoughts are with you. Be well. Be safe.
Hugs,
Grasshopper:)
Hugs,
Grasshopper:)
stick2013
06-09-2007, 08:09 PM
Oh Beka.... I am so sorry that you are having a rough time right now. Going through therapy is so hard. Harder to face what we have been running from for so long. As you know it HAS to happen. We need to get it out, face it, rationalize it, analyze it, accept it, and move on. It's hard, but in order to move forward you have to do it.
I wish that there was something I could say(or do) to help you, but this is a battle that you have to do on your own. We can help with picking you up when you have fallen, and stand you back up on your feet. We can be the shoulder to lean on, or the :D to cheer you up. We can be the :jester: to make you laugh if needed. Just know that we are ALL here if you need. Just give us a holler, a scream or shout, and we will be there....
Be safe, be strong, and do something nice on Sunday just for you. A reward for being a survivor........I am sending :angel: :angel: 's to watch over you, and help you along on your journey...
Many warm hugs,
Sid
I wish that there was something I could say(or do) to help you, but this is a battle that you have to do on your own. We can help with picking you up when you have fallen, and stand you back up on your feet. We can be the shoulder to lean on, or the :D to cheer you up. We can be the :jester: to make you laugh if needed. Just know that we are ALL here if you need. Just give us a holler, a scream or shout, and we will be there....
Be safe, be strong, and do something nice on Sunday just for you. A reward for being a survivor........I am sending :angel: :angel: 's to watch over you, and help you along on your journey...
Many warm hugs,
Sid
beka6
06-09-2007, 11:50 PM
We can help with picking you up when you have fallen, and stand you back up on your feet. We can be the shoulder to lean on, or the :D to cheer you up. We can be the :jester: to make you laugh if needed. Just know that we are ALL here if you need. Just give us a holler, a scream or shout, and we will be there....
Sid,
I wonder if you have any idea how much your words mean to me. I would do anything to have family members like you and others on this board. But, since I don't, consider yourself adopted! :)
I'm not even totally sure what is going on with me right now, so I don't even know what I need to fix it. I have my ups and downs, but usually the downs turn into ups by now. This one is lasting for a while. It's not like I'm really suicidally depressed right now, just pensive and sad. I feel like I'm mourning for something. It's weird... I know it has something to do with my family of origin and getting to the point of cutting the emotional attatchment. I thought I had made more progress in this area, but I guess I'm only beginning.
ICC,
It's settled... I'm adopting you, too! :) I could use your prayers right now, so thank you for those. I've never uncovered this much in therapy before. I've only scratched the surface before, whereas, this time I've got the backhoe, digging up all the old junk. All I can say is that it better be worth it when I'm done!
I love both of you and THANK YOU for being so caring when you have bucket-loads of your own worries right now.
Beka
Sid,
I wonder if you have any idea how much your words mean to me. I would do anything to have family members like you and others on this board. But, since I don't, consider yourself adopted! :)
I'm not even totally sure what is going on with me right now, so I don't even know what I need to fix it. I have my ups and downs, but usually the downs turn into ups by now. This one is lasting for a while. It's not like I'm really suicidally depressed right now, just pensive and sad. I feel like I'm mourning for something. It's weird... I know it has something to do with my family of origin and getting to the point of cutting the emotional attatchment. I thought I had made more progress in this area, but I guess I'm only beginning.
ICC,
It's settled... I'm adopting you, too! :) I could use your prayers right now, so thank you for those. I've never uncovered this much in therapy before. I've only scratched the surface before, whereas, this time I've got the backhoe, digging up all the old junk. All I can say is that it better be worth it when I'm done!
I love both of you and THANK YOU for being so caring when you have bucket-loads of your own worries right now.
Beka
stick2013
06-10-2007, 08:17 AM
Beka honey,
YOU ARE MOURNING!!!! You are mourning for a life that has passed. One that you knew so well. One filled with so much emotional crud. Hurtful and sad. It is like losing someone dear to you. So in a way you are mourning, and soon there will be the funeral, and then the final resting place for that old life....
Beka, with that final resting place comes a NEW life. Filled with happiness, freedom, and healthiness. You will be free from the bondage of emotional hell. A new beginging, and new life.
So mourn your old life, and WELCOME the NEW Beka, and her NEW LIFE!!!!!
Love and warm wishes on your journey to your NEW LIFE!!!!!!!:) I am proud of you that you are doing this. Proud that you have the strength to revisit the old, with all of the hurt, and pain. Proud that you are coming out on the oter side, to a more wonderful life. YOU are a SURVIVOR GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!
Hugs,
Sid
YOU ARE MOURNING!!!! You are mourning for a life that has passed. One that you knew so well. One filled with so much emotional crud. Hurtful and sad. It is like losing someone dear to you. So in a way you are mourning, and soon there will be the funeral, and then the final resting place for that old life....
Beka, with that final resting place comes a NEW life. Filled with happiness, freedom, and healthiness. You will be free from the bondage of emotional hell. A new beginging, and new life.
So mourn your old life, and WELCOME the NEW Beka, and her NEW LIFE!!!!!
Love and warm wishes on your journey to your NEW LIFE!!!!!!!:) I am proud of you that you are doing this. Proud that you have the strength to revisit the old, with all of the hurt, and pain. Proud that you are coming out on the oter side, to a more wonderful life. YOU are a SURVIVOR GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!
Hugs,
Sid
ICC
06-10-2007, 09:08 AM
Beka I am with Sid 100% on this. Been there , done it. I found it to be sad when I came into the future. One by one as I met the demons face to face I though I would be jumping for joy. WRONG! It took awhile of feeling what I had remembered, accepting it, dealing with it and going i=on. It's exhausting. Treat youself to something nice this weekend. My favorite is the bubble bath with a candle and wonderful scent. I just lay back and thing of where i've been and where I am now and it gives me the srength I need to go on.
Prayers are with you,
Grasshopper
Prayers are with you,
Grasshopper
Sannah
06-10-2007, 11:26 AM
Sid,
I'm just pensive and sad. I feel like I'm mourning for something. I know it has something to do with my family of origin and getting to the point of cutting the emotional attatchment.
Beka, it sounds very normal to me and you will understand it and it will pass...
I'm just pensive and sad. I feel like I'm mourning for something. I know it has something to do with my family of origin and getting to the point of cutting the emotional attatchment.
Beka, it sounds very normal to me and you will understand it and it will pass...
beka6
06-11-2007, 03:19 PM
Sid, ICC and Sannah,
I'm sure this feeling is a normal one on this bumpy road of healing. I need to cut the emotional ties that bind me to my family of origin. I thought I had done this already, but my therapist pointed out many ways in which I'm still neck-deep in the toxic interactions. I have a strong belief in family and it's hard to imagine stepping away from them completely. But, if I ever want to be totally healthy, I have to set myself some strong boundaries and stick to them. It's not like they are terrible people, either - because they definitely have a lot of good in them. It's just the interaction that is unhealthy. Anyway... I have blabbed on about this family stuff before, so I won't do it again. No need to repeat myself! :)
The majority of you all are so much farther down this road than I am. You want to know something stupid? During my last visit to my therapist, I JUST found out what it means to dissacociate. Seems that I have been doing that a good share of my life. I had no idea.
Beka
I'm sure this feeling is a normal one on this bumpy road of healing. I need to cut the emotional ties that bind me to my family of origin. I thought I had done this already, but my therapist pointed out many ways in which I'm still neck-deep in the toxic interactions. I have a strong belief in family and it's hard to imagine stepping away from them completely. But, if I ever want to be totally healthy, I have to set myself some strong boundaries and stick to them. It's not like they are terrible people, either - because they definitely have a lot of good in them. It's just the interaction that is unhealthy. Anyway... I have blabbed on about this family stuff before, so I won't do it again. No need to repeat myself! :)
The majority of you all are so much farther down this road than I am. You want to know something stupid? During my last visit to my therapist, I JUST found out what it means to dissacociate. Seems that I have been doing that a good share of my life. I had no idea.
Beka
Sannah
06-12-2007, 12:45 AM
Beka, maybe you just need to learn how to deal with your family in a healthier way? This can certainly be done. You are probably just responding to them in your programmed childhood way. You just need to understand this and then change it to the adult Beka way.
beka6
06-12-2007, 04:02 PM
Sannah,
I agree with you - there is still such a part of me that wants acceptance from my family. I am, however, feeling very close to just cutting the ties. My family has no interest or respect for me, for the most part. I am like a pebble in their shoe. I deal with so much in my own life apart from the PTSD - an autistic child, a busy career, etc..... Why I give a crap about what my family of origin thinks is just beyond me. Anyway, right now, I am completely overloaded. I've got so much stuff coming at me from all directions. I'm just going to lie low for a while until the dust settles a bit. Thanks, Sannah.
Beka
I agree with you - there is still such a part of me that wants acceptance from my family. I am, however, feeling very close to just cutting the ties. My family has no interest or respect for me, for the most part. I am like a pebble in their shoe. I deal with so much in my own life apart from the PTSD - an autistic child, a busy career, etc..... Why I give a crap about what my family of origin thinks is just beyond me. Anyway, right now, I am completely overloaded. I've got so much stuff coming at me from all directions. I'm just going to lie low for a while until the dust settles a bit. Thanks, Sannah.
Beka
Sannah
06-13-2007, 01:54 PM
Beka, this might be one where Sid and ICC would have more experience and say RUN! Rest up.
ICC
06-13-2007, 02:31 PM
Beka...Maybe when you feel up to it we can talk about "why" youdo still care what these very hurtful people think of you and why you still have contact even though it's hurtful to you. I'm here when you're ready. God bless. Prayers for your peace of mind.
Grasshoppers
Grasshoppers
stick2013
06-13-2007, 03:22 PM
Beka,
ICC and I will be here, ready to fight with you hon:D We will be here to listen:) . Hit you with my bat:p. Or just to give you loads of hugs:angel: ..... Whatever you need, ICC and I will be here.
Talk soon....
Love you,
Sid
ICC and I will be here, ready to fight with you hon:D We will be here to listen:) . Hit you with my bat:p. Or just to give you loads of hugs:angel: ..... Whatever you need, ICC and I will be here.
Talk soon....
Love you,
Sid
beka6
06-15-2007, 03:19 PM
Sid and ICC,
It means a lot to know that you are in my cyber corner. Thank you.
ICC, you asked why I still put up with my family's crap? Well, to be honest with you, I'd like to think on some level that I place a great importance on family, but the fact is that I'm a sucker. Plain and simple. What is that you say about insanity - doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results? Yeah, that's me.
Beka
It means a lot to know that you are in my cyber corner. Thank you.
ICC, you asked why I still put up with my family's crap? Well, to be honest with you, I'd like to think on some level that I place a great importance on family, but the fact is that I'm a sucker. Plain and simple. What is that you say about insanity - doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results? Yeah, that's me.
Beka
ICC
06-15-2007, 03:47 PM
I know Beka....because I did it too. For 50+ years.:dizzy: I grew up with alot of cousins, aunts and uncles on my father's side. All very close and still are to a point. We've all grown up and have our own families and share of heartach so we don't see each other much. Family to me SHOULD be #1. Sadly it isn't alot of times. I believe that's what got us here in one way or another. Beka, I thought I had "sucker " written across my forehead. You sound really down. Do you need to talk? You're not a sucker and neither was I. Just good , kind hearted, caring women who took care of others and forgot about themselves. Not a crime. BUT it does need to be reversed. YOU first. I need to go ice but will be back/
Hugs,
ICC
Hugs,
ICC
stick2013
06-15-2007, 04:35 PM
Beka honey,
I takes a long long time to figure out that family isn't really as Webster defined it. No One is like the Cleavers(OH MY YOU ARE WAY TO YOUNG TO KNOW THEM) Anyways, dysfunction runs in most family's. Some can handle it, others can't. Took me until 4 yrs ago to learn that I had to stay away from mine. They probably feel the same way about me too, so it's a good thing all the way around. I love them, I just don't LIKE them.......No one ever said that we had to either......
You will be ok, what ever decision you make, make it for YOU!!!!!!!
Love you bunches hon,
Sid
I takes a long long time to figure out that family isn't really as Webster defined it. No One is like the Cleavers(OH MY YOU ARE WAY TO YOUNG TO KNOW THEM) Anyways, dysfunction runs in most family's. Some can handle it, others can't. Took me until 4 yrs ago to learn that I had to stay away from mine. They probably feel the same way about me too, so it's a good thing all the way around. I love them, I just don't LIKE them.......No one ever said that we had to either......
You will be ok, what ever decision you make, make it for YOU!!!!!!!
Love you bunches hon,
Sid
beka6
06-17-2007, 01:40 AM
Just for the record - I DO know who the Cleavers are - I used to watch reruns of the Beave when I was a kid - "Gee, Wally...." :)
You are both right - Sid and ICC - we need to walk away from toxic family relations. I'm not sure why I just can't do that.... Instead, I feel myself shutting down. I would love to be able to talk about this and get all of the bothersome details out in the open, but for some reason, I'm locked up tight. I can't even find the words to express the thoughts and feelings that are bouncing around here. I think I'm just burned out and feeling hollow. It's been an extremely busy few weeks, so I'm sure that has contributed to the downward spiral. I just can't seem to pull out of this one, which makes me think it might be partially med related. I'm not sure. I've got an appointment with my dr in a couple of weeks and I can check with him then. Hope you both are doing well - ICC, how's the shoulder? Sid, how are you holding up? I can see that you are both helping people right and left on the boards, which makes me appreciate you even more, considering what you're both going through yourselves.
Take care of yourselves,
Beka
You are both right - Sid and ICC - we need to walk away from toxic family relations. I'm not sure why I just can't do that.... Instead, I feel myself shutting down. I would love to be able to talk about this and get all of the bothersome details out in the open, but for some reason, I'm locked up tight. I can't even find the words to express the thoughts and feelings that are bouncing around here. I think I'm just burned out and feeling hollow. It's been an extremely busy few weeks, so I'm sure that has contributed to the downward spiral. I just can't seem to pull out of this one, which makes me think it might be partially med related. I'm not sure. I've got an appointment with my dr in a couple of weeks and I can check with him then. Hope you both are doing well - ICC, how's the shoulder? Sid, how are you holding up? I can see that you are both helping people right and left on the boards, which makes me appreciate you even more, considering what you're both going through yourselves.
Take care of yourselves,
Beka
stick2013
06-17-2007, 06:47 AM
Beka,
You are having hard time honey, because they are your family. Even if they are partly to blame for your problems, they are still your family. They were supposed to be there for you, give you encouragement, give you strength, protect you, teach you coping skills. Be there through thick and thin, give you hope when you thought that things were bleak. Talk to you all night if you needed. Give warm hugs full of love.
Beka, No one said that you had to walk away from your family. It is something that you have to decide for yourself. If you think that it is going to be to hard. How about a family talk. With everyone getting together to talk about the issues at hand. If after nothing gets solved, well it may be time then to decide.
There is also limiting your involvement with them. Setting stronger boundaries. Only talk to them when you think that you are strong enough, the subject is neutral, or you think that you can be of help.
There is no one answer to families and the dysfunction. Everyone is different on how they handle things. ICC and I were in our late 40's closer to 50 when we decided that enough was enough. It's not easy, it can hurt like hell. BUT for her and I it was necessary.
Honey think long and hard about what YOU need, and think about what giving up your family would gain. Think about a talk with them. Think about boundaries. But in the end make the decision that will be best for YOU!!!!!!!
Love you,
Sid
You are having hard time honey, because they are your family. Even if they are partly to blame for your problems, they are still your family. They were supposed to be there for you, give you encouragement, give you strength, protect you, teach you coping skills. Be there through thick and thin, give you hope when you thought that things were bleak. Talk to you all night if you needed. Give warm hugs full of love.
Beka, No one said that you had to walk away from your family. It is something that you have to decide for yourself. If you think that it is going to be to hard. How about a family talk. With everyone getting together to talk about the issues at hand. If after nothing gets solved, well it may be time then to decide.
There is also limiting your involvement with them. Setting stronger boundaries. Only talk to them when you think that you are strong enough, the subject is neutral, or you think that you can be of help.
There is no one answer to families and the dysfunction. Everyone is different on how they handle things. ICC and I were in our late 40's closer to 50 when we decided that enough was enough. It's not easy, it can hurt like hell. BUT for her and I it was necessary.
Honey think long and hard about what YOU need, and think about what giving up your family would gain. Think about a talk with them. Think about boundaries. But in the end make the decision that will be best for YOU!!!!!!!
Love you,
Sid
beka6
06-17-2007, 12:10 PM
Okay, ladies, after a few weeks in THE PIT, I think I've finally made a decision. Notice that I say "I think," because it feels like the right decision, but sometimes I jump headlong into things without thoroughly thinking them through. I have decided that I love my family of origin, but I CANNOT live with the dysfunction any more. Sid, your suggestion to talk to them was a great one. I have tried so many times in the past, but each time, I basically end up cowaring in the corner - emotionally speaking. Several of my family members are bullies and my goal in life is not to put them in their place, as much as it is just to get away from the crap. My parents hate each other, but never got divorced. They discuss each other to their children and it's caused a major split in our family. Some side with Mom - some with Dad. But, no one openly discusses anything. NEVER - NO COMMUNICATION AT ALL!! It's completely stupid.
I have decided to write them all- either in email or letter form, so that they all get the same explaination from me. Since we all live in different states, getting together is pretty much impossible at this point - plus, I think getting together with them would open up the possibility for more abuse. Anyway....
I will tell them all that I love them and that I forgive them for anything and everything that has happened. In return, I'll ask them to forgive me for anything I've done. Then, I will very clearly state my opinion about the dysfunction - and will tell them all that I'm no longer available as a listening ear if they are talking about each other. I will support and love and help them as individuals, but will no longer add fuel to this crazy fire.
Okay, I'll get the details worked out.... run it past my therapist and then I will be able to walk away - guilt free, with my boundaries clearly stated.
I think this is the answer I've been looking for. I think I need to draft a letter today, before I chicken out. :)
Love you,
Beka
I have decided to write them all- either in email or letter form, so that they all get the same explaination from me. Since we all live in different states, getting together is pretty much impossible at this point - plus, I think getting together with them would open up the possibility for more abuse. Anyway....
I will tell them all that I love them and that I forgive them for anything and everything that has happened. In return, I'll ask them to forgive me for anything I've done. Then, I will very clearly state my opinion about the dysfunction - and will tell them all that I'm no longer available as a listening ear if they are talking about each other. I will support and love and help them as individuals, but will no longer add fuel to this crazy fire.
Okay, I'll get the details worked out.... run it past my therapist and then I will be able to walk away - guilt free, with my boundaries clearly stated.
I think this is the answer I've been looking for. I think I need to draft a letter today, before I chicken out. :)
Love you,
Beka
stick2013
06-17-2007, 12:15 PM
Beka honey.....
I hope that this works for you. I hope that your family sees the problems, and can understand where you are coming from. Good Job hon!!!!!!!
Sid
I hope that this works for you. I hope that your family sees the problems, and can understand where you are coming from. Good Job hon!!!!!!!
Sid
beka6
06-17-2007, 12:24 PM
Good morning, Sid (for you it's probably getting closer to afternoon!)
The way I see it is that whether they accept what I have to say, or not, at least I have given myself the opportunity to have a voice here. They can take it or leave it, that is up to them. But, I WILL BE HEARD!!! :p
I'll go into this expecting to never hear from any of them again. That way, if I do hear from them, I'll be pleasantly surprised!
How are you today, Sid?
Beka
The way I see it is that whether they accept what I have to say, or not, at least I have given myself the opportunity to have a voice here. They can take it or leave it, that is up to them. But, I WILL BE HEARD!!! :p
I'll go into this expecting to never hear from any of them again. That way, if I do hear from them, I'll be pleasantly surprised!
How are you today, Sid?
Beka
stick2013
06-17-2007, 12:28 PM
Beka,
When you have no expectations, you can not get hurt. good choice....
I'm ok, just been busy all weekend cleaning and cooking for the week to come. God I hate this, but it's better than coming home every night and cooking when I am dead tired.
When you have no expectations, you can not get hurt. good choice....
I'm ok, just been busy all weekend cleaning and cooking for the week to come. God I hate this, but it's better than coming home every night and cooking when I am dead tired.
beka6
06-17-2007, 12:43 PM
Cooking and cleaning are the bane of my existance! :rolleyes:
At least you are organized enough to do all of your cooking on the weekends! :)
Beka
At least you are organized enough to do all of your cooking on the weekends! :)
Beka
stick2013
06-17-2007, 12:44 PM
Oh yeah.......Just what I love doing too....NOT!!!!!1 But it is so much easier than cooking every night when I am dog tired. I just nuke my food. Talk about LAZY!!!!!
So how are you really doing hon???
So how are you really doing hon???
Sannah
06-17-2007, 12:49 PM
Notice that I say "I think," because it feels like the right decision, but sometimes I jump headlong into things without thoroughly thinking them through.
I do the same thing Beka. Sometimes you just have to move forward with "a" plan and see what happens. I am not that good at thinking through what might happen in the future so I just try something/anything and then work from there. You go girl!
I do the same thing Beka. Sometimes you just have to move forward with "a" plan and see what happens. I am not that good at thinking through what might happen in the future so I just try something/anything and then work from there. You go girl!
ICC
06-18-2007, 08:48 AM
Hi Beka....Good idea. That's what I did when I couldn't take anymore. It only involved my mother but I sent her two letters in one year that both went ignored, misunderstood and nothing good came out of either except that it was me and not her. Please be prepared for the responses you get. I am hoping for positives but be prepared just in case some are not. SId's right. I was 50 when I starte to really be serious about staying away from the dysfunction and abuse. I tried pouring my heart out to my mother BUT if it ever involved HER doing something wrong, to hurt me, she always turned the tables and put it on me. I finally gave up and in the last letter told her exactly how I felt, about her neglect and lack of concern for my feelings and that I would not let her hurt me anymore. That was a year and a half ago. I am more at peace because i don' thave that worry or fear of what she'll say/do next. I'm not on guard anymore. Wishing you the best.
ICC
ICC