Couldn't find your post so I thought I would start a new one...

How are you = )

Thanks for asking Deenah. I really don't know how to describe how I feel right now. It is not easy to end a marriage but he leaves me no choice. He told me he stopped the meds and will not take them to get back with me. He said he shouldn't have to earn his way back. Not quite accurate. Are you leveling out on the meds yet?

So either way you don't want to be with someone like that... I know it's easier said then done but in the end you are going to be the happier person!

No yet, hopefully it will get better as the days go by. Today wasn't so bad but I purposely woke up early so I can take them then go back to bed so I didn't have to deal with the double vision. It worked today but I obviously I can't do that during the week... Hopefully it will go away!

You have no idea how much I admire you and the others that take this seriously enough to work a program of meds and whatever it takes. I hope all the mates realize how much you do go through in a day to function. Then you see the ones that do nothing and wonder why you can't live with them. My husband still thinks that spitting, breaking things, violent rage and all the other stuff is my fault. Frustrates me to see people like that when you work so hard to mangage things.

Hi Marshmallow,

I hope you don't mind my budding in here and that you won't take offense at my question, but I know you have been struggling with your husband and I wondered if you have ever considered attending a 12 Step Program for family members, such as Al-anon? Even though the circumstances are different, my understanding is that the family support groups are really designed to help you detach enough to be supportive without losing yourself. I believe there is even a group called Families Anonymous which is for any kind of issue or challenge.

Since your husband is off of meds again, his situation is no that different than anyone who has a problem they refuse to deal with.

Just a thought and, again, I hope I didn't offend you. I know how hurt you've been and I know people who have been where you are for a different reason and have really been helped by shifting the focus back to themselves and their own happiness.

Your in my thoughts, Marshmallow.

Always,

Hope

That is a great idea Hopealways, I never thought of that. I went to one a bunch of times when I was seeing my ex...

I would just try it atleast and if you don't like it don't go, who knows you may meet some one there who you can talk to...

Thanks, Dee-nah. I just know there are so many people today struggling with so many different issues, that finding someone to talk to who understands the struggle can be a huge comfort. That's often the first step to letting go some of the pain.

Although I've never been to a meeting personally, I know of several people who have and they say it changed their lives.

Always,

Hope

Hey Marsh, sorry things are still crappy for you. `:( well going to al anon sounds like a good idea, just apply it differently and the point is that they are going through it to, regardless of if its this or that.

My mom went, and I went to al ateen as a kid. (of course I was 7 or 8 so they were at least 7 years older and as a little kid that doesnt help as much! but for my mom, it helped. (my dad was an alcoholic) and I think they do just as mean stuff to you like that or having BP (if not medicated and hiding behind it as an excuse.

and no all those things he does should not be acceptable and he SHOULD have to earn his way back. How can he think he doesnt have to after being so horrible? this stuff does count as abuse. I am not trying to be mean or anything but I know you are having issues letting go, not that I blame you. Hang in there, we are here for you.

:)

Thank you all for your replies. Hopealways, I do not mind one bit your posing I appreciate it very much. I have attended Alanon meetings before and never stuck with it. I don't know what it is about me but I have a hard time with meetings and therapy. I have been to 5 different tdocs and never stayed with it. It must be a flaw in me. I also have trouble letting go. One therapist said that maybe because my father was like my husband that it seemed more normal to me or I was just hardened to it. Maybe I am the nut case. LOL

I was like that before too, Marsh... What do you think you should do? What makes Marsh happy?

I don't even know anymore sometimes I think being alone is better because no one is raging at me but when he is nice it is really good. When you live with someone that constantly changes their mind it affects you a lot and confuses you. I am confused.

I'm sorry you are confused but not being with him I think is a very good decision!

Hey Marsh
I was thinking this last night, why dont you try to be on a section for marriage or relationship problems there are probably a lot of wives in your position for some other reason? I think you know a lot about BP but knowing is not the same as having a big support group?
I am not saying dont post here!! we like you !

Just maybe as you said, you dont do support groups well, maybe you would online? then you dont really have to go, if you get enough out of it?

Addiction, Anger management, something like that? Just a thought! I hope your ok!
:)

I don't even know anymore sometimes I think being alone is better because no one is raging at me but when he is nice it is really good. When you live with someone that constantly changes their mind it affects you a lot and confuses you. I am confused.

It would be a confusing time, and all my partners have said that they hate the way I am loving and affectionate one minute, then don't want a bar of them the next. It's not very nice for the person on the other end, I am sure - last night (and today I have to be honest) I've been a wee bit manic and my partner was really upset, and I was just too caught up in my manic headspace to be any use to him lastnight, yet he knows that deep down I was worried and that I love him - a fact that I re-iterated today now that I'm a bit more levelled out.

Thing is, I think you're making the right decision because your husband needs to make the commitment to YOU that he will manage his illness. It is tough, really tough, but it is worth it for someone you love. I am tempted to go off my meds and go weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! but I know my partner would suffer for it, as would my Mum (already been through enough of that) and others. I really think my darling partner is worth the sacrifice!

Best of luck for you!!!

Aussie thank you for your post and support. I was laughing to myself because I am hanging with all the ones with bp and not the wives of. I like you all and get a lot from what you say. I talked with a guy from a support group near where I live and when he found out about the abuse and his not taking meds he said get the H out. It is not so easy but I do feel its best.
How are all of you today, Dee, Leomia, and everyone else.

marshmallow.....it gets old, never knowing what mood he's gonna be in, or which way the wind is gonna blow at that particular moment, having to walk on eggshells. Being alone is peace.....solace......
after a while you get tired of being at the mercy of someone elses whim, someone elses temper tantrum......
you get tired of taking care of an adult "child" throwing a fit.....
be by yourself.....get your sanity back......you will learn to love it.
:angel:

I'm not feeling very stable, Marsh... I still have a lot of work to do as far as my meds go... Hopefully this will all make sense soon! Rosequartz gave you some kick a** adivice = ) I was even reading it going YEAH, don't do it, until I realized I was that person... Of course not as bad as your husband but you know!

thats all good advice marsh! I dont have any xtra to add but there is no point just staying somewhere you will be hurting. Your at his beck and call so to speak and its not up to you to sort his mood out, thats his job and he obviously thinks its ok to be a kid about it and expect you to love him even if he abuses you.

YOu still have civil right ya know! no person should have to suffer bad treatment so take care of yourself and do whats right for you. :)

I agree with all of you and KNOW I have to move on. I just keep trying to understand and I can't. I really believe he has much more than bp/bpd because when he went to Colorado for a brain imaging the found a mood disorder and some other stuff but he never pursued it. None of you seem so hard to talk to or mean. If I don't agree he thinks I am putting him down and gets abusive. For instance, this makes no sense to me but I would like to see what other think. He has over $50,000 on different credit cards paying over 1200 a month with a huge portion going to interest or cash advance charges. He said there is nothing wrong with it and if he wants to spend 10,000 on something and charge it he will enjoy it. I said eventually it will get where the debt owed will cost more than you can afford and he said never happen. I mentioned half of it was for bars and pool halls and he said that the bars was his medicine so it was ok. Am I off or is he? It just is not showing common sense but bp unmedicated????

marsh, 50 grand comon! he is taking the p*ss! I was manic and that week a long time ago charged 1000 all in a week. and I know that was bad and I have learned my lesson as I have problems now.
Your right, it willl be more than he can afford and soon and on stupid crap. \

Do you want to be with someone who thinks self medicating 50 K is fine but wont take his pills? at least us on here take them! (not trying to act like any of us are better or anything,...) but you dont need him to bring you down financially or personally. Take your dignity while you can, hon!!

:D

marshmallow....you don't want any part of that....please talk to a lawyer and get out of this mess before you get stuck with 1/2 of his debt.........
it happened to me, I know what I'm talking about.
he's irresponsible.....what difference does it make if it's just plain old run of the mill irresponsibility or if it's BP/BPD......the end result is the same.....financial ruin.

The finances scare me to death. I do not want to lose my house because he is medicating at bars. It makes me feel like there is no reasoining with him. He has an excuse for everything and I HAVE to get out. He said he has a business degree among other ones and he knows its ok what he is doing. I just shake my head and feel there is no common sense there. He seems to have no sense of what he is doing.
I hope your meds kick in soon and you feel better.

Rose, I just saw your post and your right it doesn't matter why he is doing it just that he is. Thank God the house is in my name. Of course that does not protect me from this debt he has accumulated. So scary. I have a lawyer just waiting for me to sign papers and I am going to email her and say WHEN can I come in. Enough is enough.

common sense isnt so common I guess.
Marsh, I think if he just randomly said that having a degree makes the spending ok, we all know its not. And what Rose said is right, get out while you can before you owe that much yourself by being with him.

Good luck

:)

I have to find out what the laws are pertaining to credit card debt maybe I will be responsible but he makes three times more than I do so that isn't fair. He thinks because he has a degree he knows more about finance than I do but my common sense tells me that he will be over his head soon. And to say its ok because he was medicating himself really bothers me. Why do that when what a doctor give you can really help your life. Everything I said he took as criticism but I said it kindly and not mean at all.

How long have you been with this person? Do you have any kids?

Hi marsh,

You really need to know ALL the laws for your state or you could really get hurt financially. Depending on where you live, your husband could be entitled to 50% of your home, even if it is in your name. You could also inherit 50% of his credit card debt if you are in a community property state. Please call your attorney and get this nailed down NOW before it is too late.

How are you feeling otherwise?? I haven't talked to you in awhile.

xxxTsohl :wave:

I have to find out what the laws are pertaining to credit card debt maybe I will be responsible but he makes three times more than I do so that isn't fair. He thinks because he has a degree he knows more about finance than I do but my common sense tells me that he will be over his head soon. And to say its ok because he was medicating himself really bothers me. Why do that when what a doctor give you can really help your life. Everything I said he took as criticism but I said it kindly and not mean at all.


marshmallow.....that's what you pay your lawyer for.....he/she will find out what you are responsible for. And that grandious attitude about knowing so much about finance sounds a little narrrrcicsssistic to me......I'm willing to bet your LAWYER knows a little bit more about finance than this guy does......the only thing your husband knows about money is how to blow it.....
STOP BEING NICE TO HIM.....HE DOESN'T DESERVE IT!!!!!!!!!!

Leomia, I have been married to him since 2002 but with him since 1998. We do not have any children together.
Rose and Tsohl, I think that where I live you take what you came into the marriage but what was accumlatted during marriage is split. I have to see my lawyer this week and get serious. She has been on hold for over a month while I stayed stuck in the mud. Very scary situation when one is not medicated and their thinking is so off. Tsohl you asked how I was otherwise. I think I am ok. Thank you all.

Rose, just a little side note. While we were living together we had a disagreement on finances so he said lets take it to a finanical counselor so I agreed the guy agreed with me and my husband said he didnt know what he was talking about. I could never win. Funny you said he sounded narcissitic because I was thinking it has always been about him and his needs and his pain.

he is saying that your critizing him because he does not want to hear the truth, get help, get stable. etc.

I hope for y our sake you wont have to pay his bills. they take into accnt what you both make and will also see whos debt it was. You can fight it. Go girl call your lawyer! i am rootin for ya!

Your right Leomia he cannot face the truth.
Tsohl how was the graduation? And your back?

Hey you, are you getting a tad bit overwhelmed? I know everyone here has your best intentions, I just want to make sure you are okay?

I am ok but it is a lot to digest. The fear of losing my home and being in debt is scary but I will see my lawyer this week and get as much info as possible. I have to do this even if I still care about him. Thank you Dee-nah for asking.

Hi Marsh,

Get the best, and I do mean the BEST, lawyer you can. If you can file bankruptcy and save (or in order to save) your home, I would recommend you do it. Things are gonna get better, keep your chin up my dear!



Luvya,


Luckygem

Oh, if I could afford it I would but most of the ones I talked to wanted 7000 retainer and I cannot afford that. I will have to take my chances with the one I got she seems to know her stuff and yet has a heart. I hate the whole thing but what choice do I have left? He refuses to do anything to help himself. He didnt even give the meds a chance.
How are you doing?

Leomia,

Depending on which state's laws you are living under, it does not always matter who incurred the debt. You are still responsible for it. Hopefully that won't be the case for Marsh.

and Marsh,
Graduation was wonderful and full ofextra memories. :dizzy: I rented a house in the mountains near campus. It was a lovely, new log home big enough for all the relatives who attended. On the day prior to graduation there was a large thunderstorm that knocked out the power and the pump, so we had no electricity and worse, NO WATER!! I ended up going to the most important event of my daughter's young life without washing my hair (gasp). The story is long and involved many phone calls back and forth to the home's owner and the plumber...we finally got water about 4 hours after the graduation festivities had concluded! My husband drove to town and got big jugs of bottled water that we could heat on the gas stove, so it wasn't the end of the world...but it was very inconvenient. Luckily the power came back on so we had entertainment, but the pump was damaged and we didn't have water for about 24 hours. It will make for good stories at family reunions!!

My back made the trip ok. I am none the worse for wear!!

take care,
Tsohl:wave:

thats pretty crap that some states make it be your fault as well. I hope you will do things quickly before it is your fault , according to them!

Tsohl sounds like you had an adventure!

:)
Good lUck marsh!

Hi Marsh,

Sorry to hear that things havent looked up too much yet. You sound stronger though - so that is a fabulous thing. In my case the solicitors are going to try and meet today to see whether there is any point in trying to negotiate, or if we should just start down the court line. This is not something I ever thought I would ever be involved in. In my state, even if the item is mine - he can claim that it is joint, and then it goes to contribution. So, he is lying about everything to raise his contribution - So I have 3 boxes full of documents to prove everything. Its crazy - it was never about the money, and I still reckon it is not about the money to him. I know in my case he has a lot of debt now, but heck, its been over 7 months...time to move forward surely. So anyway, wish me luck today - its a small step in the right direction. (Well, the only direction available)
I too still have pangs of sorrow of what could and should have been, and honestly I still love the person I was with (not this one) I know this is not him, and he is angry and desperate, but at the same time my life has to go forward. He has destroyed so much, and my health has to come first. We can all rebuild things, as long as we have our souls and sense of self.
So Marsh, I know this is something you do with sadness, but hes not looking out for you at the moment - you need to do that.
Wishing you all the best through this.

Hi Marsh,

Sorry to hear that things havent looked up too much yet. You sound stronger though - so that is a fabulous thing. In my case the solicitors are going to try and meet today to see whether there is any point in trying to negotiate, or if we should just start down the court line. This is not something I ever thought I would ever be involved in. In my state, even if the item is mine - he can claim that it is joint, and then it goes to contribution. So, he is lying about everything to raise his contribution - So I have 3 boxes full of documents to prove everything. Its crazy - it was never about the money, and I still reckon it is not about the money to him. I know in my case he has a lot of debt now, but heck, its been over 7 months...time to move forward surely. So anyway, wish me luck today - its a small step in the right direction. (Well, the only direction available)
I too still have pangs of sorrow of what could and should have been, and honestly I still love the person I was with (not this one) I know this is not him, and he is angry and desperate, but at the same time my life has to go forward. He has destroyed so much, and my health has to come first. We can all rebuild things, as long as we have our souls and sense of self.
So Marsh, I know this is something you do with sadness, but hes not looking out for you at the moment - you need to do that.
Wishing you all the best through this.

Dear Suddenly:

I wish you luck, too. You've had a long and hard go of it, but you've never victimized yourself or cried in your soup. You don't feel sorry for yourseslf of play the martyr. You will do fine. You might have to start from scratch, but you will be free. It's a scary place to be but you'll walk out the other side healed and whole.

I know I will catch ire with this;, but so many times I hear we women say I love the 'oither' person - not the manic one because 'that is not him' Well, yes it IS him. It is part and parcel of who he is; why I wonder do we make that separation. It is who they are. I know, because I was married to an unmedicated BP and his manic was just as much of who he is as when he is not in the manic cycle.

That's who they are - the good, the bad and the ugly all rolled up into one person. I don't think we can conveniently extract that part as NOT being them. Perhaps it makes it easier, I don't know.

Your still on "he got me this and that" birthday mode = )

Seriously your right on!

I know I will catch ire with this;, but so many times I hear we women say I love the 'oither' person - not the manic one because 'that is not him' Well, yes it IS him. It is part and parcel of who he is; why I wonder do we make that separation. It is who they are.

Hi Bear,

You are right, and in a way I am right. The whole package is him, but in my case I never saw this side of him, I never knew this side of him. It is exactly the opposite to the person I knew and loved. (Different freinds, different values, different clothes, different spending, different everything) A big locked up ball of anger waiting to erupt. (Remember the last episode (in my case)was almost a decade ago, and I didnt see this.)

So you are right, at the end of the day he is this whole person with both these facets. And I am right that I loved a man that is no longer the same. I think that person is gone forever. Lets face it we are always changing, and I am a different person now, to what I was 7, 6, 5, 4, 3 2, and even 1 month again (you get the point)

Perhaps he was this whole person all along, and struggled and fought with this side so that I never saw it. It worked. This is not the same man that I lived with, travelled with, planned with, loved and cherished.

I am not in denial. Im not hiding from the truth. Its not just me that thinks this way that knows him and us. So yes, my head tells me he is all of these things, and yet my heart and memories doesnt align with that.

I guess the hard thing is that I either need to accept that I chose to stay in an abusive relationship, or that my memories are all wrong and he never really cared, or that I just didnt see it....or I can accept that it was what it was, but now it is different, and time to move on. He was not abusive in any way throughout the relationship, he was not the same guy as he is now. He was the polar opposite. So thats why I see the difference - I imagine it is very different for people that have seen many cycles. I simply didn't.

At the end of the day, it matters little either way. It it time to move on, and I greive the loss of a person, and a life together, and I greive for the pain this person must be in now, and in time when it becomes more real to him.

Sometimes bad things happen for no reason, and thats all that I can put this all down to.

Bear, you are an amazing person with courage and endless compassion - and healthy debate is always a great thing! It makes us think a bit more (which is sometimes good, and sometimes bad!!) So - thanks for making me think!