OK so I am bp just found out I am bp about 4 months ago! I went threw a manic phase last summer (although then I didnt know what was going on)...I put my husband threw hell and back. for starters I went to cali to visit my dad for a month. I was out with my cousin clubbing for basically the whole time! wait let me back up...before I left I had smoked pot and he threw what I had away...so I fought with him and we both agreed on divorce. This was a few days before I left....Now back to last summer. So, I was in cali. I didnt care to call him but he called me! I didnt cheat on him there although I had plenty of chances to! So, I came back we didnt hug nothing... I started seeing some guy! He found out and went off broke my pc (i dont blame him). He asked me to stop and I wouldnt! This guy made me feel good...pretty and wanted! So I said I wanted a divorce! I put my husband threw hell and back! He ended up at the doc office with a panic attack. He had a few at home. My husband begged me to stay he said I am asking you to take me back give me another chance..I didnt listen.. I ended up cheating on my husband. I told him. He still wanted to work things out. Finally I ended it with the other man. And sought help. Now, every time im on the pc or get a call on my cell phone he accuses me of cheating. Even though my cell has caller ID (its my dad calling) I dont know how I can ever earn his trust back or maybe I cant and maybe we will just end up in divorce anyway!!

Pamela

Pam I did something similar, long story short we are very happy today. It has been 4 years and I had BP for 7 of them. But you need to have a heart to heart with hubby. BP or not, things do happen and people do make mistakes sometimes. You have to first be sorry that you did this and tell him and then ask him what you can do to gain his trust, assuming you still love him, that is why you posted this, then maybe see a counselor or get a marriage help book?
I dont know the right answer for YOU but you definately need to talk about this esp since the call was your dad.
Maybe you can agree to a compromise. I know it seems so hard right now, me and my hubby went through this and it took a year to get it all set.
Now sometimes I even think about the past and regret and hate myself. The thing is that he really did forgive me and that is why.

Question is, does your husband really forgive you? That is up to him and even if you ask you cant make him.
But if he can forgive you, it also may take time, so you two need to be talking about everything and keep it all open communication, If you dont the marriage will fall apart.
He may want you to do certain things to prove you wont do this again, maybe you can let him answer the phone, if you have nothing to hide? I dont know, that is up to you, but keep the communication that is the only way it can work. There is a lot to do, I know but you will get there if you show him you are willing. Episodes or not, that is beside the point. Make sure he knows about BP and how it affects you. :)
Well I wish you the best of luck!

Pamela & Leomia

Your stories are about the same. For a us BPer,it is important to "look back" at our mistakes and ask forgivness for our actions. About 3 weeks ago I started a thread called....."Looking Back"-A Bipolar Perspective...In part, I would like to share it with you two :

I have said,a number of times...My Mission here is to : Guide,Encourage,and Surpport those who are dealing with Bipolar Disorder. Perhaps,one of the best ways I can meet this Mission;is to "Look Back" on my own life. A very important person,Mrs Eyes, gave me the guidence toward many years of stability. It is my hope, that all who read this thread,will receive reasureance that life with BP, can be happy and successful. Please,contribute your positive thoughts,and "Look Back" at your successes...The following is devoted to Mrs Eyes...and all of you :

Looking Back...
Over my life,I can see where I caused you strife.
But I know...yes.I know,
I'd never make that same mistake again.
Looking Back...
Over my dreams,I can see why wise men dream.
But if I'd just had a chance,
I'd never make that same mistake again.
Once my cup was over flowing (mania),
But I gave nothing in return.
Now I can't begin to tell you,
What a lesson,I have learned.
Looking Back...
Over the same,I can see when Love turn to Hate.
But I know...Oh yes...I know,
I'd never make that same mistake again.

Pam I did something similar, long story short we are very happy today. It has been 4 years and I had BP for 7 of them. But you need to have a heart to heart with hubby. BP or not, things do happen and people do make mistakes sometimes. You have to first be sorry that you did this and tell him and then ask him what you can do to gain his trust, assuming you still love him, that is why you posted this, then maybe see a counselor or get a marriage help book?
I dont know the right answer for YOU but you definately need to talk about this esp since the call was your dad.
Maybe you can agree to a compromise. I know it seems so hard right now, me and my hubby went through this and it took a year to get it all set.
Now sometimes I even think about the past and regret and hate myself. The thing is that he really did forgive me and that is why.

Question is, does your husband really forgive you? That is up to him and even if you ask you cant make him.
But if he can forgive you, it also may take time, so you two need to be talking about everything and keep it all open communication, If you dont the marriage will fall apart.
He may want you to do certain things to prove you wont do this again, maybe you can let him answer the phone, if you have nothing to hide? I dont know, that is up to you, but keep the communication that is the only way it can work. There is a lot to do, I know but you will get there if you show him you are willing. Episodes or not, that is beside the point. Make sure he knows about BP and how it affects you. :)
Well I wish you the best of luck!

I have asked him to forgive me. I have told him all my passwords (my pc) to everything. I have nothing to hide!! I keep telling him that. When the phone rang he was a sleep and my son answered it. He said who knows who our son was talking to!! I showed him it was my dad but since my dad called from his home phone which is not programed into my cell phone he said it was someone else! I said look its a cali number he said well anyone could get a cali number! I told him to call the number back. Then he only gets madder. so, when I can prove my innocence he is still freaking out. He says he forgives me but I dont know... I guess if he did then maybe he would be acting like this??? When I do talk to him about it he shuts down!! I have told him how sorry I was and even cried b/c I was so sorry!! I just am at a lost on how to prove to this man how sorry I am How I wish I could go back in time. I cant so what now.
Pamela

I would say try to get him alone on a heart to heart. then you can honestly tell him how you feel and what its doing to you etc. maybe He needs to hear it again, I dont know. Well I hope this works out for you, sorry your having a rough time of it.

Perhaps you'll just have to prove yourself through time. Some people have a very hard time forgiving and moving on. It can take years. It doesn't sound like he would be open to attending some sessions of couple's therapy...but I would suggest it anyway, telling him you will do anything to try to help him regain his trust in you and to restore his faith in your marriage.

His ego has been very bruised by your infidelity. This may be his way of punishing you, perhaps even sub-consciously.

Do you go to church? If so, you could get some pastoral counseling, I would think.

Hang in there and keep trying.
:wave: Tsohl

Hi pamelareichert, I am on the other side. what you did mirrors what my wife did also, though It looks like my wife was at it a little longer. I compleatly understand how your husband feels now, as I acted pretty much the same as your husband is. though I never broke anything. (except 2 cell phones, but they were my own and I was alone)
Please understand that I am not in anyway taking sides. I read every peice of BP info I could get my hands on to try to understand I went to therapy to get help understanding my wifes BP. Understanding helps a little and I can be compasionate and when she says mean things I can accept her appology, but then there is the other guy and the psyical contact and the male ego. that's what is causing all his pain.
Has anyone you ever loved deeply cheated on you?
I tried to work things out but sometimes when I look at her all I see is the other guy and have thoughts like:
why did she do this, was he better than me, what did he have that I don't, what was she trying to accomplish, did she love him, was he better in bed how many times was she with him ect..
ladies befor you comment I already know this is shalllow immature thinking, but this is how the male brain is wired and has been since we were cave men ( gee we have come a long way huh)
His guard is way up and he is trying to protect his ego, which right now is badly damaged. he may be able to get over it in time but a blow like this is not easily forgiveable, if ever.
I know for me I am not able to get a reason as to why this happened she says she doesn't know why, except that he treated her "like a Princess" and that felt good to her for a while, but I always treated her like that and she admits it now, so why did it happen? because you are BP? well then does that mean that it could easily happen again if you are not well? He is thinking that, trust me
I am not bashing you or anyone with BP, just trying to show what your husband may be going through emmotionaly as I was in the same place myself
He is struggling with his self esteem and feels that he was replaced by someone better. If you can, try working on his ego. us men are are like children and need to be praised when we do something right including Sex. He feels threatened by other men right now.
everytime you leave his sight he is wondering if you are with another guy.

Hi distroyed,

Sorry to interrupt this original thread, but after reading your post I wanted you to know something - I recently read an article written by a psychologist who said that people who cheat on their spouses are dealing with issues within themself (anger, depression, boredom, etc...), it has NOTHING to do with the other person or how wonderful they are or what they were 'lacking'. I thought this may be helpful for you after reading the things that you go over in your mind about why she did it, for whatever reason your wife was unfaithful, it was within her and because of her own issues.

~pamelareichert, I wish you the best with reconciling with your husband. Everyone's situation is different - I am married to a bipolar hubbie but there has been no infidelity. I'm not sure I could forgive that and I know my husband wouldn't, but there are successful couples who work thru it and past it. I would think that if you are working hard on your marriage, committed to being well, and maybe if you two could attend couples therapy as Tsohl suggested, there may be a chance...

Take care,
4support

Hi pamelareichert, I am on the other side. what you did mirrors what my wife did also, though It looks like my wife was at it a little longer. I compleatly understand how your husband feels now, as I acted pretty much the same as your husband is. though I never broke anything. (except 2 cell phones, but they were my own and I was alone)
Please understand that I am not in anyway taking sides. I read every peice of BP info I could get my hands on to try to understand I went to therapy to get help understanding my wifes BP. Understanding helps a little and I can be compasionate and when she says mean things I can accept her appology, but then there is the other guy and the psyical contact and the male ego. that's what is causing all his pain.
Has anyone you ever loved deeply cheated on you?
I tried to work things out but sometimes when I look at her all I see is the other guy and have thoughts like:
why did she do this, was he better than me, what did he have that I don't, what was she trying to accomplish, did she love him, was he better in bed how many times was she with him ect..
ladies befor you comment I already know this is shalllow immature thinking, but this is how the male brain is wired and has been since we were cave men ( gee we have come a long way huh)
His guard is way up and he is trying to protect his ego, which right now is badly damaged. he may be able to get over it in time but a blow like this is not easily forgiveable, if ever.
I know for me I am not able to get a reason as to why this happened she says she doesn't know why, except that he treated her "like a Princess" and that felt good to her for a while, but I always treated her like that and she admits it now, so why did it happen? because you are BP? well then does that mean that it could easily happen again if you are not well? He is thinking that, trust me
I am not bashing you or anyone with BP, just trying to show what your husband may be going through emmotionaly as I was in the same place myself
He is struggling with his self esteem and feels that he was replaced by someone better. If you can, try working on his ego. us men are are like children and need to be praised when we do something right including Sex. He feels threatened by other men right now.
everytime you leave his sight he is wondering if you are with another guy.

Hi Distroyed,

You do NOT have shallow immature thinking, please do NOT put yourself down in any way. I think what you MAY have is a lack of self esteem/self confidence this may or may not be related to what has gone on in this relationship. You are not like a child, nor are all men, IMHO. She cheated on you, for whatever reason...betrayal hurts. You cannot changer her, you can only change yourself. I do hope you seek out counseling for yourself alone. Self confidence is sexy and right now you don't seem to have enough. There is a song by Christina Aguilera called "Fighter" about betrayal and how she has come out stronger in the end of it all. I suggest you "fanoogle" it & listen to it. If you don't go through this without becoming better for it then you are just a victim. Try to become stronger and better for it, DON'T let her destroy you. Keep your chin up!



Luvya,



Luckygem

OK so I am bp just found out I am bp about 4 months ago! I went threw a manic phase last summer (although then I didnt know what was going on)...I put my husband threw hell and back. for starters I went to cali to visit my dad for a month. I was out with my cousin clubbing for basically the whole time! wait let me back up...before I left I had smoked pot and he threw what I had away...so I fought with him and we both agreed on divorce. This was a few days before I left....Now back to last summer. So, I was in cali. I didnt care to call him but he called me! I didnt cheat on him there although I had plenty of chances to! So, I came back we didnt hug nothing... I started seeing some guy! He found out and went off broke my pc (i dont blame him). He asked me to stop and I wouldnt! This guy made me feel good...pretty and wanted! So I said I wanted a divorce! I put my husband threw hell and back! He ended up at the doc office with a panic attack. He had a few at home. My husband begged me to stay he said I am asking you to take me back give me another chance..I didnt listen.. I ended up cheating on my husband. I told him. He still wanted to work things out. Finally I ended it with the other man. And sought help. Now, every time im on the pc or get a call on my cell phone he accuses me of cheating. Even though my cell has caller ID (its my dad calling) I dont know how I can ever earn his trust back or maybe I cant and maybe we will just end up in divorce anyway!!

Pamela

I guess you have to decide how much of his insecurities you are willing to deal with. He has been damaged by your actions and that is shown with his insecure behavior. If he didn't love you he wouldn't bother checking on you and where you have been and who you have been talking too. How do feel about that? Do you think you can easily replace that love? This is the price you have to pay for cheating on him. It's up to you to decide how long and how much you want to put up with. He is going to do this until he stops hurting. Therapy can probably shorten that time. Good luck to you!

I guess you have to decide how much of his insecurities you are willing to deal with. He has been damaged by your actions and that is shown with his insecure behavior. If he didn't love you he wouldn't bother checking on you and where you have been and who you have been talking too. How do feel about that? Do you think you can easily replace that love? This is the price you have to pay for cheating on him. It's up to you to decide how long and how much you want to put up with. He is going to do this until he stops hurting. Therapy can probably shorten that time. Good luck to you!

I realize I hurt him.....I cant even imagine how much i hurt him. I wish to God I can take it all back! I am putting up with his insecure behavior b/c I am the one who caused it. I just get upset when I can prove I havent done anything wrong and yet he is still accusing me! Like working...when I have to work over my pay checks reflect that I have been there. I am glad he loves me really... because I never realized how much I loved him until I was put on meds. and my brain is finally getting straightened out. for you question can i replace his love NEVER!!!!! I am just at a lost on what to do when he still is accusing me when I can prove to him the truth!!!!
Pamela

Hi pamelareichert, I am on the other side. what you did mirrors what my wife did also, though It looks like my wife was at it a little longer. I compleatly understand how your husband feels now, as I acted pretty much the same as your husband is. though I never broke anything. (except 2 cell phones, but they were my own and I was alone)
Please understand that I am not in anyway taking sides. I read every peice of BP info I could get my hands on to try to understand I went to therapy to get help understanding my wifes BP. Understanding helps a little and I can be compasionate and when she says mean things I can accept her appology, but then there is the other guy and the psyical contact and the male ego. that's what is causing all his pain.
Has anyone you ever loved deeply cheated on you?
I tried to work things out but sometimes when I look at her all I see is the other guy and have thoughts like:
why did she do this, was he better than me, what did he have that I don't, what was she trying to accomplish, did she love him, was he better in bed how many times was she with him ect..
ladies befor you comment I already know this is shalllow immature thinking, but this is how the male brain is wired and has been since we were cave men ( gee we have come a long way huh)
His guard is way up and he is trying to protect his ego, which right now is badly damaged. he may be able to get over it in time but a blow like this is not easily forgiveable, if ever.
I know for me I am not able to get a reason as to why this happened she says she doesn't know why, except that he treated her "like a Princess" and that felt good to her for a while, but I always treated her like that and she admits it now, so why did it happen? because you are BP? well then does that mean that it could easily happen again if you are not well? He is thinking that, trust me
I am not bashing you or anyone with BP, just trying to show what your husband may be going through emmotionaly as I was in the same place myself
He is struggling with his self esteem and feels that he was replaced by someone better. If you can, try working on his ego. us men are are like children and need to be praised when we do something right including Sex. He feels threatened by other men right now.
everytime you leave his sight he is wondering if you are with another guy.

I want so badly to work things out with him! I do love him dearly. I cant say why I did what I did. I guess what the grass is always greener on the other side?? I dont know what I was thinking. But I can for sure say...It was stupid. the biggest mistake I will ever make. So, how can I make him feel not threatened?? What do I need to do to make this man trust me again!! Please help.

Pamela

Again, I think you just have to be patient and count on time to be your friend. It is normal to want to move on and get over it, the sooner the better as far as you are concerned...but he can't get over it as quickly as you can. He never thought you'd be capable of doing what you did, but the reality is, you did. Now, he's wondering if the same wool isgoing to be pulled over his eyes. You can't blame him for being cautious.

Since he isn't interested in seeing your proof, I woud suggest that you stop trying to defend yourself. Live your life so you have nothing to regret. Don't give him any reasons to be suspicious. If he keeps it up, calmly ask him what you can do to show him you have nothing to hide. Acknowledge you made a big mistake that you will regret forever, but that you want to move in and rebuild the trust ...and what can you do together to make that happen.

Do you think he still loves you enough to be willing to get over this?

pam I hope ur ok in all this. I know it does suck really! For me I thought we were not gonna be together and he was in England and I was in USA and so it was supposedly over. I know your case is different. I thought I was moving on with my life but I found out I hated my life without him.
so we did agree to forgive e/o but I can honeslty say its our own selves that take the longest to forgive. IF you dont love yourself you cant love anyone else. And we go to church and got some counseling there as for us that was the best option and now we are doing great.
I am not sure what works for you but many others have given some good ideas. if anyone is really ripped to pieces like that in their heart, you have to understand it may take a wicked long time to forgive. If he did not love you then it would already be over, so thats a start, right? try to have a heart to heart and tell him everything.
If he feels secure in you which will take some time then he will start to trust you again.
If you can see some sort of therapy or couples counseling etc, then that is best you do so asap at least start going yourself so you can learn how to forgive YOU and learn how to be a better wife!
I wish you all the best !!

:angel:

It's a hard one he is going to keep acting like this as long as he is mad/sad about what happened. I don't want to discourage you, but my wife's affair was over almost a year ago and I'm still pissed! I can not trust her, I want to I am just terrified of what she is capable of. There are just so many unanswered questions, questions she doesn't want to answer which makes me feel she is hiding something. according to her she doesn't remember much about the affair, but I remeber everything, she doesn't understand why I can't just "get over it and move on" however she has never been cheated on and doesn't know the pain.
I don't know how to make him feel less threatened because I still feel threatned and worthless and that this was my fault.
but like I said b4 stroke his ego every chance you get brag about him around other people put him on a pedistal. I would have liked that when I was at rock bottom low self esteem

distroyed, it is perfectly normal for you to feel like it was you because if you were good enough (I assume this is what you mean) then she would not have wandered... But its not your fault. I am not saying cheating is ok, of course its not and that is the worst thing that can go on in a marriage, (or dating or whatever)
But it is good if you love each other enough to TRY to eventually get on with it.
I cant speak for anyone else but when this happened I felt actually forced out of my husbands life and this was my way of finding myself, and it did not work.
I do think most people who just have a major flaw who do this its about something wrong with them not the spouse they hurt.
So I can see where you are coming from as well because it was both ways, maybe for me a sort of retaliation. And it kills. But as of today we have fixed it and it did hurt for a few years and there was always talk of divorce, (even once we had agreed to get back together) But I think we marry most of the time for love and if you stay in love then it always finds a way. But the finding is hard. Good luck to you and I wish you well. I also liked your insight to the male brain! hopefully that will help me be a good wife!
:)

pam I hope ur ok in all this. I know it does suck really! For me I thought we were not gonna be together and he was in England and I was in USA and so it was supposedly over. I know your case is different. I thought I was moving on with my life but I found out I hated my life without him.
so we did agree to forgive e/o but I can honeslty say its our own selves that take the longest to forgive. IF you dont love yourself you cant love anyone else. And we go to church and got some counseling there as for us that was the best option and now we are doing great.
I am not sure what works for you but many others have given some good ideas. if anyone is really ripped to pieces like that in their heart, you have to understand it may take a wicked long time to forgive. If he did not love you then it would already be over, so thats a start, right? try to have a heart to heart and tell him everything.
If he feels secure in you which will take some time then he will start to trust you again.
If you can see some sort of therapy or couples counseling etc, then that is best you do so asap at least start going yourself so you can learn how to forgive YOU and learn how to be a better wife!
I wish you all the best !!

:angel:

Well thank you so much for this post!! I am for sure not forgiving my self. I sit here and think what the heck is wrong with me. I cant even believe it really happened. I sit back and look and think sometimes it wasnt real! I love this man so much and I hurt him like this. UGH!! Life....you cant take back things you do or say!! I am not trying to turn this into a pitty party for me... I just wish I could go back and change things I know I cant so I try day in and day out to prove to this man I love him and only him I will not EVER do this again....

Pamela

It's a hard one he is going to keep acting like this as long as he is mad/sad about what happened. I don't want to discourage you, but my wife's affair was over almost a year ago and I'm still pissed! I can not trust her, I want to I am just terrified of what she is capable of. There are just so many unanswered questions, questions she doesn't want to answer which makes me feel she is hiding something. according to her she doesn't remember much about the affair, but I remeber everything, she doesn't understand why I can't just "get over it and move on" however she has never been cheated on and doesn't know the pain.
I don't know how to make him feel less threatened because I still feel threatned and worthless and that this was my fault.
but like I said b4 stroke his ego every chance you get brag about him around other people put him on a pedistal. I would have liked that when I was at rock bottom low self esteem

This also happened almost a year ago! I am sure he is still pissed. Along with pissed I hurt more than unbelievable. He later shared with me that he has never had a girl be faithful to just him. I as his wife should have been. My husband also wants to know things but he wants to know details I dont wish to share. The reason I dont want to share is b/c I dont want to talk about I dont want to think about it I dont want to think it really happened. I would rather pretend it didnt!! So, that is probably selfish I am sure. But ok the details he wants to know is like how it came to us having sex. He knew I was there at his house and he wants to know how we ended up in the bedroom. I dont want to discuss this b/c it only hurts us both I think... My husband is getting a little better..it was a every day thing. It has changed to about once or twice a week. I wish I could make him forget...

Pamela

Pamela,

That is very interesting about him saying he has never had a girl be faithful...That is NOT normal and there is something there that I think should be uncovered for the sake of the relationship. Does he have self esteem/self confidence issues? It's almost like animalistic behavior as in if you "run" you will trigger a "chase" instinct in many animals, do you see what I mean? We want men to be fearless, confident, protectors and providers. When they are sensitive and sweet sometimes I've seen that we (as women) find them to be "clingy" and we push them away and disrespect them....what is that? Almost some kind of animalistic subconcoius behavior.

I can tell that you really do love him and are wondering yourself why you even did it. Did his behavior trigger a response in you?

I wish you both all the best!



Luvya,



Luckygem

This also happened almost a year ago! I am sure he is still pissed. Along with pissed I hurt more than unbelievable. He later shared with me that he has never had a girl be faithful to just him. I as his wife should have been. My husband also wants to know things but he wants to know details I dont wish to share. The reason I dont want to share is b/c I dont want to talk about I dont want to think about it I dont want to think it really happened. I would rather pretend it didnt!! So, that is probably selfish I am sure. But ok the details he wants to know is like how it came to us having sex. He knew I was there at his house and he wants to know how we ended up in the bedroom. I dont want to discuss this b/c it only hurts us both I think... My husband is getting a little better..it was a every day thing. It has changed to about once or twice a week. I wish I could make him forget...

Pamela


Pamela, I too wanted to know all the details and would ask daily. I think its the same with most guys. I think it may be a comparison thingy. dont quite know. I do know we ask the questions and the answeres kill us so why ask?
I don't know, but I do ask. My wife has said the exact same thing as you word for word, in the above quote from you. Infact when I read it I started to shake thinking you were her! it's a little to close to home. She too has said that she thinks it wasn't real like she is not convinced that it really happened. You should read back over some of my posts, because I put in a lot of stuff she did and said and how she said she was feeling and how it made me feel.
one question that you don't have to answere, but was this an ongoing affair with the other guy or a onetime thing? to me this is verry important

Pamela, I too wanted to know all the details and would ask daily. I think its the same with most guys. I think it may be a comparison thingy. dont quite know. I do know we ask the questions and the answeres kill us so why ask?
I don't know, but I do ask. My wife has said the exact same thing as you word for word, in the above quote from you. Infact when I read it I started to shake thinking you were her! it's a little to close to home. She too has said that she thinks it wasn't real like she is not convinced that it really happened. You should read back over some of my posts, because I put in a lot of stuff she did and said and how she said she was feeling and how it made me feel.
one question that you don't have to answere, but was this an ongoing affair with the other guy or a onetime thing? to me this is verry important

I am sorry my post started to make you shake! If reading this upset you I am so sorry. to answer you question. Last summer we started talking and then we couldnt get enough of eachother I guess.. We talked all the time! My husband found out about it. I told him I wanted a divorce and was happy with this other man (man I am such a dumbbutt) I put my husband threw hell and back he was begging me back (before we slept together) I told my husband I was going to his house and we slept together after that I felt remorse as soon as it happened and a week later told him I wanted it to end!
I did see him on last time..we did NOT have sex just talked..

Pamela

Pamela,

That is very interesting about him saying he has never had a girl be faithful...That is NOT normal and there is something there that I think should be uncovered for the sake of the relationship. Does he have self esteem/self confidence issues? It's almost like animalistic behavior as in if you "run" you will trigger a "chase" instinct in many animals, do you see what I mean? We want men to be fearless, confident, protectors and providers. When they are sensitive and sweet sometimes I've seen that we (as women) find them to be "clingy" and we push them away and disrespect them....what is that? Almost some kind of animalistic subconcoius behavior.

I can tell that you really do love him and are wondering yourself why you even did it. Did his behavior trigger a response in you?

I wish you both all the best!



Luvya,



Luckygem

I am not sure why no other girl hasnt been faithful to him. When we met years ago...He put farming in front of me and did until he finally stopped all together. He blames me for him stopping but really what happened was he lost his job (laid off) and tried to be a car salesman. Killed us! He didnt make the money we needed and ran up credit card just to eat! So after 8 months of trying that he stopped and now working back in a factory! But back to when we first started out....He is like his mom...says alot of things without thinking. Just runs his mouth! Now, I am not sure why I married him then..B/c when we go married I didnt love him! I think I felt I wasnt ever gonna be happy!! I dont think he was clingy he was more like whatever! I have to do this farming thing and then my mom comes and then maybe you! Still to this day his mom comes first! He asked her before we went on vacation if we could go!!!! That really pisses me off this man is 30 and has to ask his mom if we can go! Anyway, Basically our whole married hasnt been good. He takes his moms side over mine... Now today he is getting some better like he will stick up for me some!!! But in the beginning she was the only one who could be right! Ugh now I just went out about him...Im sorry
Pamela

pam just wondering something here, did you live with his mom at first or anything? at first my husband would take his moms side, that really had to do with immaturity and not understanding the "rules of marriage" if you will.
No offense to any guys!
But some men just dont understand that you are supposed to leave your parents (even if you dont live with them there is still a part of you that sort of is which is believing them over your wife etc so that is what I meant by leaving, and become a part (become one?) of your wife this does take time so maybe he is not there yet)
thank God my husband is no longer like this. Maybe it takes a certain amount of time. I know this is going to be one reason as well that you are feeling at the time he wasn't good enough.
How long did you two date before getting married, and you said you did not love him then, why would you marry someone if you didnt love him?
Happiness is also a choice. No one can meet all your needs. But if you like to be around them and you have each other if its the right person then most people would be happy by that
so are saying you can not be happy because of his work choices? What can you do for work, maybe you can make yourself happy and then there should be less pressure on him to do it all. Maybe that is why you strayed to begin with.
:)

pamela, you post did not upset me, no worries. I shake all the time anyway. like your husband i also have panik attacks.
it's just that your words are so similar to my wife's it's shocking.

I think that it may be alot easier for your hubby to get over this and move on. if he is like most guys he is focusing on the sex most of all, and that ties to his insecurities. If it was just one time then i think he will get over it. in my case, when I found out what she was up to she had been with the other guy 2 times and I wanted to go to counceling to help deal with it I felt I could let it go. she said it was over with the other guy and said she was so sorry and that it was the biggest mistake she ever made I was changing everything about myself to please her and she was letting me fall all over her for months she kept distancing herself I kept asking if there was someone else the answere was always "NO" but 7 months after she said she ended it with the other guy I found out that she never did end it it was ongoing for 9 mo total. with the other guy. so I think you may be in a better position to be forgiven and trusted again. I think I could get over it if it was just a one time thing.
you have taken good stepps in the right direction by letting him look at your phone records and e-mails. my wife although we were together wouldnt do that for me, Now I know why!
unfortunatly I believe you have to sit down and answere all his questions in detail as many times as he asks them, until he gets it out of his system
there are so many questions running through his head and if they go unanswered he thinks you are hiding something. Be honest! I'll bet that what happened (the sex) was not what he is picturing in his mind, I can tell you what he is picturing but not in this forum. we'll just say wildness. anyway he will probably ask the same questions many time just in different form if you tell the truth then you will be consistant. It would have helped me

[QUOTE=leomia;3046117]pam just wondering something here, did you live with his mom at first or anything? at first my husband would take his moms side, that really had to do with immaturity and not understanding the "rules of marriage" if you will.
No offense to any guys!
But some men just dont understand that you are supposed to leave your parents (even if you dont live with them there is still a part of you that sort of is which is believing them over your wife etc so that is what I meant by leaving, and become a part (become one?) of your wife this does take time so maybe he is not there yet)
thank God my husband is no longer like this. Maybe it takes a certain amount of time. I know this is going to be one reason as well that you are feeling at the time he wasn't good enough.

My husband did this exact same thing for a quite a few years but thankfully no longer does.

pam just wondering something here, did you live with his mom at first or anything? at first my husband would take his moms side, that really had to do with immaturity and not understanding the "rules of marriage" if you will.
No offense to any guys!
But some men just dont understand that you are supposed to leave your parents (even if you dont live with them there is still a part of you that sort of is which is believing them over your wife etc so that is what I meant by leaving, and become a part (become one?) of your wife this does take time so maybe he is not there yet)
thank God my husband is no longer like this. Maybe it takes a certain amount of time. I know this is going to be one reason as well that you are feeling at the time he wasn't good enough.
How long did you two date before getting married, and you said you did not love him then, why would you marry someone if you didnt love him?
Happiness is also a choice. No one can meet all your needs. But if you like to be around them and you have each other if its the right person then most people would be happy by that
so are saying you can not be happy because of his work choices? What can you do for work, maybe you can make yourself happy and then there should be less pressure on him to do it all. Maybe that is why you strayed to begin with.
:)

We did not live with his parents but he lived at home until 23. His mom did it all for him. When we moved in with eachother we were shopping and he needed new underwear and didnt know the size or what kind he wore LOL... I married him b/c when he asked I thought I was ready the day we got married I knew it wasnt right! I am not sure why I did it. I think I felt everything was arranged and we had to do it. I dont know... I did though fall in love with this man. He has since changed his work choices although I think if he could be a full time farmer he would chose that over me! We only dated a year before marriage. I was only 19! I have always felt I needed a man in my life. Since my teenage years I didnt go long with out dating! I am trying to find different hobbies to try and stay happy. I have a part time job at night which I love to get away from the house hold. I have started sewing but when I want to work on it at night that makes him mad. So, its something I dont have alot of time to work on since I have 4 kids of my own and babysit 2 others! with four kids sometimes I feel trapped and I am overwhelmed by all the laundry and house work (my husband likes a really really clean house)!!

Pamela

pamela, you post did not upset me, no worries. I shake all the time anyway. like your husband i also have panik attacks.
it's just that your words are so similar to my wife's it's shocking.

I think that it may be alot easier for your hubby to get over this and move on. if he is like most guys he is focusing on the sex most of all, and that ties to his insecurities. If it was just one time then i think he will get over it. in my case, when I found out what she was up to she had been with the other guy 2 times and I wanted to go to counceling to help deal with it I felt I could let it go. she said it was over with the other guy and said she was so sorry and that it was the biggest mistake she ever made I was changing everything about myself to please her and she was letting me fall all over her for months she kept distancing herself I kept asking if there was someone else the answere was always "NO" but 7 months after she said she ended it with the other guy I found out that she never did end it it was ongoing for 9 mo total. with the other guy. so I think you may be in a better position to be forgiven and trusted again. I think I could get over it if it was just a one time thing.
you have taken good stepps in the right direction by letting him look at your phone records and e-mails. my wife although we were together wouldnt do that for me, Now I know why!
unfortunatly I believe you have to sit down and answere all his questions in detail as many times as he asks them, until he gets it out of his system
there are so many questions running through his head and if they go unanswered he thinks you are hiding something. Be honest! I'll bet that what happened (the sex) was not what he is picturing in his mind, I can tell you what he is picturing but not in this forum. we'll just say wildness. anyway he will probably ask the same questions many time just in different form if you tell the truth then you will be consistant. It would have helped me

So you and your wife didnt work threw this??
I am trying to hard to answer his questions I just dont know how to word it so I dont hurt him anymore! I dont want to hurt him anymore! I told him the other day that he could answer my phone every time it rings I dont care. It also bothers him when I am on the net so I am not on it when he is home and I limit my self during the day. I also try and talk with him about everyday life. And times he is grouchy I talk with him and not fight. I try to not fight with him. when he picks a fight I walk away and then come back about 5 min later calm and tell him how I feel and that he had no right to go off on me like that when I did nothing wrong. I feel when he goes off on me for no reason he is thinking of the past and it is making him mad! I have been trying to please him with certin things like he likes the kitchen really clean So, at 3pm I do all the dishes and make sure its cleaned up very nice so when he walkes in. I am also taking on more with the kids b/c it stresses him out! Maybe that isnt enough. But I am trying to prove my love to him in different actions.

Pamela

we haven't worked through this yet. I don't know yet what to do. there was sooo many other thing that went on other than her affair that I struggle with. I have 2 children and I have to think about them too. But you are correct in that when I get angry at her it is the past comming back into my head. I still feel that if the other guy didn't get caught by his wife and go back to her then this affair would still be going on. She says no but there was so many lies and secrets that I don't know what to believe. I can say that while this was going on it was compleatly obvious that there was something wrong with her, when they put her on meds it made things way worse. What I struggle with is the fact that I'm thinking if she goes manic again it will be the same thing over again. I don't know how much control someone has while manic. I think while manic whatever she is doing at the time feels like the right thing to do even if everyone else thinks it's wrong. And you cant reason with her at that point everything is always my fault or my problem... until she crashes then come the sorrow and regret and tears. and I feel bad. it's an aweful thing but she does not acknowledge my pain.

Do you feel that this would have happened even if you wernt BP or do you feel as though you had no control? I ask this because for the longest time from what I learned about BP I was prepared to accept it as an excuse. You know like it wasn't her who did this it was BP

we haven't worked through this yet. I don't know yet what to do. there was sooo many other thing that went on other than her affair that I struggle with. I have 2 children and I have to think about them too. But you are correct in that when I get angry at her it is the past comming back into my head. I still feel that if the other guy didn't get caught by his wife and go back to her then this affair would still be going on. She says no but there was so many lies and secrets that I don't know what to believe. I can say that while this was going on it was compleatly obvious that there was something wrong with her, when they put her on meds it made things way worse. What I struggle with is the fact that I'm thinking if she goes manic again it will be the same thing over again. I don't know how much control someone has while manic. I think while manic whatever she is doing at the time feels like the right thing to do even if everyone else thinks it's wrong. And you cant reason with her at that point everything is always my fault or my problem... until she crashes then come the sorrow and regret and tears. and I feel bad. it's an aweful thing but she does not acknowledge my painFor

Do you feel that this would have happened even if you wernt BP or do you feel as though you had no control? I ask this because for the longest time from what I learned about BP I was prepared to accept it as an excuse. You know like it wasn't her who did this it was BP

Honestly I dont know if its b/c I am bp! I ask my self if i say it was b/c of bp is that just an excuse??? I mean I do remember last summer I was running around like crazy and it did feel right when I was with him! As I said before though when I came off of it I realized how wrong I was! I just wished to God my brain functioned correctly and I know what I can take credit for not knowing if its the bp making say or do things or if thats just me?? what a confusing state!!!

To me though I think me being bp did contribute to what happened last summer! B/c When I did come down I felt remorse! I see what I did and how it hurt. I also think alot more clearly on meds. i can handle stress better. And my life doesnt seem all that bad. I do see though me now on meds not as happy i was last summer. Alot of people commented on how happy i seemed and now I rarely smile. I love my husband but recently he does alot that I see bringing me down. example yelling at my children. My son who is going to a tdoc may be autistic and my husband does nothing but yell at him. Last night for example....my son wanted his 2 quarters and my husband gave him 2 but they hand eagles on them and my son wanted the ones without the eagles. My husband just yelled at him...made him cry. I said quietly that he should have just have him the other two quarters b/c its no different. This is what brings me down. So, I am wondering was the manic what was making me happy or was i truely happy and now I am not???? I dont feel depressed like I cant get out of bed but i just feel not happy.....I do things. I clean all that....i dont know what part is bp and what part is really me???

Pamela

the way you describe you states of mind is verry common on here. Infact there was a thread started a while back about how do you seperat the real person from the BP. I have been trying to do that with my wife now for a couple of years. One question to ask youself is How happy were you b4 all this happened? that is what I am trying to figure out was I happy in my marriage?
My dr. told me that my wife doesnt hate me, BP hates me

was he always impatient with the kids or is it just since the problems began?

even though you did what you did you still deserve to be happy in life. Despite what my wife did to me I still believe she should be happy and needs to be for the kids. she has come clean told me everything (i think) wants me back and now it is up to me to fight my own demons on this. I'm sure like you she is punishing herself everyday so for me to torture her just makes things worse.

this sounds crazy but I'll bet he is stuck in the middle of wanting to leave you and not wanting to leave you. It's mess up but I always am weighing her good qualities aganist what she did. What she did went against everything she believed in and she hurt the entire family. what she did used to disgust her. when she herd about other people doing it. she constantly says she never thought she was capable of this and up until 2 years ago neither did I
If he's like me he is in the same struggle of not knowing what to do, but deeply afraid to let go

the way you describe you states of mind is verry common on here. Infact there was a thread started a while back about how do you seperat the real person from the BP. I have been trying to do that with my wife now for a couple of years. One question to ask youself is How happy were you b4 all this happened? that is what I am trying to figure out was I happy in my marriage?
My dr. told me that my wife doesnt hate me, BP hates me

was he always impatient with the kids or is it just since the problems began?

even though you did what you did you still deserve to be happy in life. Despite what my wife did to me I still believe she should be happy and needs to be for the kids. she has come clean told me everything (i think) wants me back and now it is up to me to fight my own demons on this. I'm sure like you she is punishing herself everyday so for me to torture her just makes things worse.

this sounds crazy but I'll bet he is stuck in the middle of wanting to leave you and not wanting to leave you. It's mess up but I always am weighing her good qualities aganist what she did. What she did went against everything she believed in and she hurt the entire family. what she did used to disgust her. when she herd about other people doing it. she constantly says she never thought she was capable of this and up until 2 years ago neither did I
If he's like me he is in the same struggle of not knowing what to do, but deeply afraid to let go

Well before all this we werent very happy! We both asked for divorce before it happened! He did yell alot at the kids! But we kept trying b/c neither of us got married to get a divorce! We also have children and I think we both think that we needed to stay married for them. Now, when I came back from cali ( this was a month after we said we wanted a divorce) he tried really hard. But I was in the I dont give a crap phase!! Now, he does do some things to show me he wants to stay married last night he said I want to take you to dinner and the most important thing is we have fun. He said I dont want to take you unless we have fun!!! Not in a mean way he said b/c he truly wanted to have a good time. So, we did. We went to dinner and I got to shop for my 2 year old daughter! It was great!! Now, Thursday night was a different story. He was extremely grouchy and was yelling at our kids! He also was treating me like crap! I know he was tired that night so maybe thats why???
I do think he is in between...he has said he was gonna make this easy for both of us and we were gonna divorce then he changes his mind. So, I do know he is in a state of confusion!!
I am also like you wife. I didnt think I could be capable of ever doing that! I still cant believe I am!!!

Pamela

I do the same thing unfortunately. I don't yell at the kids, infact I am probably a little to soft with them because I feel that the are the ones that are getting hurt the most out of all this. I want them to be happy. For a period of time my wife acted as though the kids were just in her way. Very sad, when she took them for a while it was like they were someone els's kids and she was just watching them. The kids could feel this and didn't want to be around her. Verry verry sad!
I do go back and forth, some times I want to pull my wife close and other times I want to push her away, that's when we fight, it is me and my attitude, but when I am like that it is becuase images of what she did are runing rampid through my head and it makes me angry and hurt.
I can go out with her and have a good time and then Bam! the image of her with another guy pops into my head and I get angry and start saying things like How could you do this to me! I always get the same answer from her "I don't Know" which isn't very satisfying to me. I think if she doesn't know why in the first place then what's to stop it from happening again. especially if she is not well. If she did this because she wasn't happy or I was doing something wrong then why wont she tell me. I cant fix it if I don't know why. It's like she did it for no reason. It's hard to accept that.
it's great that you have excepted BP and get help. Unfortunatley my wife most of the time thinks there is nothing wrong.
One more thing, it's stupid, but I go through it all the time when I am with my wife I feel as though I am being compared. It's an insecurity thing, but your hubby, with a damaged ego may feel the same. I don't know how to fix that, if you figure it out please tell my wife

the way you describe you states of mind is verry common on here. Infact there was a thread started a while back about how do you seperat the real person from the BP. I have been trying to do that with my wife now for a couple of years. One question to ask youself is How happy were you b4 all this happened? that is what I am trying to figure out was I happy in my marriage?
My dr. told me that my wife doesnt hate me, BP hates me

was he always impatient with the kids or is it just since the problems began?

even though you did what you did you still deserve to be happy in life. Despite what my wife did to me I still believe she should be happy and needs to be for the kids. she has come clean told me everything (i think) wants me back and now it is up to me to fight my own demons on this. I'm sure like you she is punishing herself everyday so for me to torture her just makes things worse.

this sounds crazy but I'll bet he is stuck in the middle of wanting to leave you and not wanting to leave you. It's mess up but I always am weighing her good qualities aganist what she did. What she did went against everything she believed in and she hurt the entire family. what she did used to disgust her. when she herd about other people doing it. she constantly says she never thought she was capable of this and up until 2 years ago neither did I
If he's like me he is in the same struggle of not knowing what to do, but deeply afraid to let go

IMHO, I think the love is there. I hate to sound simplictic, but I've been in a relationship for 8 years with woman that has been untreated BP1 for twenty years, a mental health system "consumer" (terminology used by a major TV network I heard yesterday)

The Dr. was correct in saying, "My dr. told me that my wife doesnt hate me, BP hates me". Just the words I want to hear; if the doc says anything outside of the realm of what you know as true, leave and find another. Do research if you need to continue a relationship. I have; and I can say that my broken heart is healing. Listen to the folks on this board they will tell what they feel. The BP'ers feel the same way, the symptoms are all there and most importantly the unipolar supporters feel the same way as well, this, I think is important. Your going to get variations of opinion, you have to, because we as humans, only understnd a small portion of the human mind nd whether a person is BP or not they all have their own personalities "in a stable state'. Thank God, that my loved one, nd the mother of my five year old son, has a very meek, quite, demeanor when stable. The hell is still there, but the flames are not quite as hot as they could be.
I'm a humble country guy and somewhat nieve on some things but when someone is on a merry-go-round for eight years (actually, we must subtract some time for when she took her multi-month flights of fancy) the scenery starts to get boring and you have to face reality eventually. I love "her" not the BP. There are three people involved in a unipolar-bipolar relationship; throw kids in the mix you better have God in the mix as well or that "rock and the hard place will start closing in on you. God's going to direct me toward a mood stabilizing drug so I can deal with this. Someone "in-the-know" suggested Paxil might be the right choice for me; a unipolar guy, in depression due to outside influences, his words.
Can't love 'em, can't commit 'em! (my little attempt at morbid humor)
To all of the supporters of this disease and disorder, and the ,fine, highly intelligent, creative, sweet, creative, loving, sufferers, I say keep telling the world how you feel, how your loved one's feel Saw great short documentary on how law enforcement is doing good things to save the lives of the mentally ill. To the supporters....... encourage. Learn how to say NO, and mean it, with compassion.
I love you all.