I'm sick of being a Mental Case, I'm sick of not feeling happiness in my life..... I'm tired, guys!

Dee-nah,

((((Hugs)))) The question is why are you so unhappy? I know with bipolar gracing the heart and mind there isn't always a reason. Sometimes there is. Having to take meds for life is no fun, no picnic, and no walk in the park either. Though that is not anything new either. Are you living per say more in your head then in life? What do others see when they think of you? What is the difference in their view versus yours? Is there view legite and is yours really all you are? I would say that you are more then what you may see at times. I think most people are. It is okay to be tired. So rest a bit but never drop the fight. You are worth the fight. Trust in you and see what you want, where you want to go, and what you want to do. Then find a way whether in baby steps or a snail crawl to get there. You can do it.

Eme:)

At times I feel my meds robbed me of my happiness... I have a lot of things to be grateful for and that is what I'm running on right now!

It's seems cancer has shown it's ugly face in my family reminding me how un fair life is at times.

I wish I was more like Eyes but my med changes are not allowing me to be the person I'm striving to me.. My head is all over the place and I can't seem to find where to put it.

Deen ah I know how you feel. or is it not feel. i can't keep going on this way. I have children. I feel like an alien. Depression is the worse for me not mania. how about you???

:angel: ((((((((((((Dee-nah))))))))))))):angel:

I know that it isn't even possible for me to know how you feel but it aches me to see the struggles that my 16 year old daughter is going through. I wish I could take it away for her and for you. I guess all I can offer is my love and support by letting you know that I care and to tell you like I do to my daughter everyday that once we find the right med combo things will get better. But that is not all....you both also have to embrace this disorder as you would an enemy that would be tormenting your life. What is that saying "keep your friends close and your enemies even closer"????:confused:

Anyway....what I always tell Erin is once you look this beast in the eyes (BP) and let it know that it is not going to take over your life or happiness things might get better. Perhaps I am wrong but attitude has alot to do with facing many hardships in life whether it be BP, cancer, MS, Parkinsons, or anything else that comes our way.

I hope this helps....I certainly don't want to make you feel any worse and so wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away for you and my daughter....but we know that just isn't going to happen.

So please accept some ((((HUGS)))) and know that I care.

Love ~ Goody:angel: :wave:

ckyounge, I used to get happy mania's before I started the meds and now I get agiated mania's, of course followed by depression. While the meds to help with rapid cycling I can't help but feel robbed of my happiness!

Goody, I always love reading your post! The one thing I can say about BP that cancer or the other dieases don't have to face is the fact that it's a Mental Disorder it messes with the way you think, feel, act... I can be fine, face BP,walk away satisified only to turn the corner and totally lose it.. My moods are that out of hand and I'm having a hard time getting a handle on them, it's like I'm a different person and I can't control it. This is my 5th "cocktail" of meds and it's just not working! I"m a determined person so even if it's my 25th "cocktail" I'm going to keep on trying..

It must be tough for your daughter, I couldn't imagine being on meds that young.. I had BP when I was her age but they didn't know anything back then (I'm 33)....Does she have a hard time adjusting to the meds?

Goody, I always love reading your post! The one thing I can say about BP that cancer or the other dieases don't have to face is the fact that it's a Mental Disorder... I can be fine, face BP,walk away satisified only to turn the corner and totally lose it.. My moods are that out of hand and I'm having a hard time getting a handle on them, it's like I'm a different person and I can't control it. This is my 5th "cocktail" of meds and it's just not working! I"m a determined person so even if it's my 25th "cocktail" I'm going to keep on trying.. I am glad that my post was well received;) I know that I have to be super careful about how I express my opinion with Erin and well here with so much cyberspace between us sometimes I am not sure how my posts will be received so I am always trying to put myself in other's shoes with what I know and see with my own daughter since that is all I have to go by.

Anyway...I like your attitude. It certainly shows that you have been more than patient. Sometimes what makes it difficult in finding the right "cocktail" is that BP is known to coexist with so many other disorders whether it be GAD, PTSD, Borderline, ADD, Addictions etc. so it makes it all the more difficult to treat. The more self aware you are the better your chances are of finding the right cocktail.

For instance, since it is difficult for my daughter to know all about BP I have been her "awareness" so to speak. In watching her I see that she had more of a mixed state or hypomania going on. For the most part even before meds she was very angry, agitated, frustrated. Since these symptoms could be symptoms of both depression and mania it was difficult to differenciate between the two. But she did if anything, show more depressive symptoms before starting meds spending alot of time in her room resorting to Self Injury (cutting) and a few suicidal attempts. Then when they started her on AD's and her behavior became worse inducing some hypomania it was then that we were able to properly diagnose her.

Being that I, as her mom, saw more of a depressive side after researching meds discovered that Seroquel and Lamictal seemed to both address more of the depressive side of bipolarity. We started with Risperdal an atypical antipsychotic to get the hypomania under control. The pdoc was hoping that we could just keep her on that but when the depressive symptoms returned she added trileptal which Erin developed a rash to. Meanwhile I was researching away about the meds and had tucked Seroquel and Lamictal in my back pocket because of their wonderful side effect profile AND their wonderful track record of taking care of depression as well as the mania. So we added the Lamictal when we had to come off the Tripletal and when Erin started lactating with the Risperdal I discussed my findings in regard to Seroquel and we took her off the Risperdal and on the Seroquel.

Okay....do we have all of her symptoms under bay....NO!! But.....she is sooo much better than a year ago. I believe that we will never have everything under control without taking away Erin's personality....and that is what we are aiming to do. She still has her moods that are triggered with stress...right now we are dealing with big exams and the end of the school year, a fever, a new boyfriend etc. For the most part what I see is "normal" teenage girl moodiness going on. So we are pretty happy with the combo we have now. I do know that Erin doesn't like the moodiness, frustration, agitation and anger that is triggered when under stress since so many of her friends are able to let most things bounce off them without taking it out on their family & friends like she tends to do. She struggles mostly with having to apologize for her behavior and it is difficult enough keeping friends at her age and I KNOW that she is really scared that she won't be able to maintain her friendships with her BP. For the most part she is lucky that she has understanding friends who are wonderfully supportive and have seen, as I have, where Erin has been and where she is now. So we are fortunate with that, I see that, but sometimes it is difficult for Erin to do the same. She just feels upset having BP on top of all the other teenage dilemmas and I really feel for her....it isn't easy. I look at people your age struggling with all of this and can't even imagine what she must be going through.:eek:

Sorry....I got a little carried away there:D I guess what I am trying to say is that the more self aware you are of your symptoms and responses to meds the quicker you will find the ones that will work out best for you. I think that it is really important to get the BP managed and then look at anything residual that may be due to another disorder and treat that on a need to be basis. The thing is, there are just some things that you will have to manage by developing coping skills....the meds will only do so much and sometimes meds only make things worse so you may have to change your behavior with some good therapy. I KNOW that self esteem is a biggy....working on that will really help out in many ways. I am trying to have Erin come to that realization at this point in time and perhaps you may benefit from the same.

It must be tough for your daughter, I couldn't imagine being on meds that young.. I had BP when I was her age but they didn't know anything back then (I'm 33)....Does she have a hard time adjusting to the meds? I have read that treating BP as soon as it is diagnosed is important because the earlier it is treated the less deblilitating that it is. The average time that it takes before symptoms appear to actual diagnosis for somebody with BP is said to be around 10 years. I am soo grateful that we were able to diagnose and treat Erin now....but as you said, back when you were a teen who even knew about BP??? And they only had one standard treatment so you shouldn't cry about spilled milk.:nono: You should focus on the self awareness and working aggressively with your pdoc to find that right cocktail. For Erin, we have been quite lucky in terms of her meds.....she really hasn't had any problems with the Lamictal and Seroquel....we didn't get the rash which we were soo afraid of with the Lamictal and her history of allergic reactions to many meds AND with the Seroquel she hasn't had any of the sedative effects that I read about here....if you looked at her you wouldn't even know that she was on meds. The biggest thing is that she has had no significant weight gain either which was a biggie. I essentially hand picked the Lamictal and Seroquel for that reason feeling that why throw that issue into the pot when we already had a depressed teenage girl. WE all know what a few pounds can do to our self image....right???;)

So....there you have it....will everything stay the same???? Hell no!!! I have learned that NOTHING ever stays the same in life and having BP is no exception!!!

Hang in there Dee-nah....there IS hope....you MUST believe in that and eah time you are having a bad day remember to tell yourself that tomorrow is another day and nothing stays the same....you are one day closer to feeling better.

(((((HUGS))))) ~ Goody:angel: :wave:

Dee-nah, I feel so helpless to say anything that will help but know I am thinking of you. I understand that tired feeling but in a different way but I think the pain is the same no matter what the cause is. Never knowing for over 8 almost 9 years where my relationship was going the ups and downs made me so tired. I know I could of stopped mine and you can't so I feel doubly bad for you. You are such a great person and try so hard eventually it will pay off. You have come a long way, baby!!!!! LOL I know you are struggling and yet your keep pretty positive and are in tune with your moods as best you can. So many of us spouses of bp would love for our mates to have the insight you have into your illness. Hugs.

I hope you don't think you can't say how you feel to me, I know I am I AM BIPOLAR at times. I just hate when people disrespect the disorder with out being educated on it.

I also have PTSD and some Borderline Personality (ha, I feel like a dog that has some Collie in her)... I have A LOT of things to work out, I know this.. It seems having a mood disorder makes everything that much harder, I could be fine one minute and the next I'm someone else. I wish I could just tackle one problem at a time but it's difficult for me... Right now I'm going through a med adjustment that is turning my world upside down. I'm on Lithium, Tegretol, Trazodone and Xanax. The Tregretol is my number 1 enemny at this time and for some reason my pdoc LOVES it! I also go to threapy once a week so I am very active with this disorder... My main problems/triggers right now is 1) Father just got diagnosed with Lung Cancer 2) Broke up with my boyfriend 3) Sister in Law just got diagnosed with Breast Cancer... All of this in the mist of a med change, I don't know whether I'm coming or going. This is the first time I've mentioned the cancer on this site, I just couldn't deal with it.

I think your right the sooner the better, I however developed this at a very young age due to a childhood trauma.. It was never treated until I was 30, I'm 33...

The only thing that keeps me going right now is my son.. I know I will get better, I have my ups and downs, I'm just having a very down time right now..


Thanks Marsh, that made me feel good as well!!!

Hi Dee-Nah,

your post really touched me - It is so like I have been for about 18mths now - until literally 2 weeks ago if that. I too rapid cycle; i have mixed depressions and mania's, psychosis the works. I have no idea what the day will be like, what I might say or do, if anything at all. The agitation that the mania's cause (or depressions I have no idea anymore) is getting worse which i hate because it is that that is so exhausting. Not knowing where your life is going; feeling like a pressure cooker. Goody mentioned about feeling like an alien with her daughter sometimes. Ditto. So, in short i don't know how to help you or what the answers are but i do understand how you FEEL and thinking of you.

Juliet x

I hope you don't think you can't say how you feel to me, I know I am I AM BIPOLAR at times. I just hate when people disrespect the disorder with out being educated on it. I have tried to educate myself as much as I can to help my daughter as many other loved ones do to help their loved ones out....from coming here I realize that not everybody does that and I have protectively forewarned my daughter not to just go around telling everybody that she has Bipolar because many people will unfortunately associate that with something that they don't want to be around rather than getting to know her and seeing the wonderful, sensitive, caring person she can be. I would imagine that you do the same thing because let's face it, not everybody is going to take the time out to educate themselves about BP unless they really care about somebody who has it and even then some people still are too lazy to even do that. I would categorize most men to be that way (sorry EYES:) ) my hubby included. The only way that he has any knowledge or understanding is through all that I have shared with him and in speaking to the doctors. He is a wonderful guy and there are wonderful, well meaning people, but not all of them are going to educate themselves about BP unless it touches their lives in a way that they need to have knowledge in order to go through it. So I do understand what you are saying but evenso, as much knowledge as I do have I still do not KNOW what it is like to be BP because I don't have it. But I do wish to understand FP because BP has touched my life to the very core by my daughter having the disorder.

I also have PTSD and some Borderline Personality (ha, I feel like a dog that has some Collie in her)... I have A LOT of things to work out, I know this.. It seems having a mood disorder makes everything that much harder, I could be fine one minute and the next I'm someone else. I wish I could just tackle one problem at a time but it's difficult for me... Right now I'm going through a med adjustment that is turning my world upside down. I'm on Lithium, Tegretol, Trazodone and Xanax. The Tregretol is my number 1 enemny at this time and for some reason my pdoc LOVES it! I also go to threapy once a week so I am very active with this disorder... My main problems/triggers right now is 1) Father just got diagnosed with Lung Cancer 2) Broke up with my boyfriend 3) Sister in Law just got diagnosed with Breast Cancer... All of this in the mist of a med change, I don't know whether I'm coming or going. This is the first time I've mentioned the cancer on this site, I just couldn't deal with it. Dee-nah, I sooo appreciate your sharing that with us here and know that it probably wasn't an easy thing for you to do. But in order to understand what you are going through sharing such things makes it easier for us.:) That being said, yes, you do have your plate pretty full now. So many stressors as well as coexisting conditions.:eek: But you are doing a great job of trying to stabilize yourself. Unfortunately with so many things coming at you all at once that is a difficult feat for and pdoc to do. Even the best of meds will only do so much when all of this is going on. I know that the tegretol is not your favorite thing right now but they do say that a med should be given a fair chance. There are only so many meds out there and you don't want to exhaust them all before giving them a fair chance. And with all those stressors it is a challenge to really evaluate what is not working vs. the triggers that are breaking through something that otherwise might work. Can you understand what I am saying???

What exactly is happening with the Tegretol that makes it your #1 enemy??? I think that you mentioned it here and that Tsohl suggested the time released form (retard, I think:confused: ) Is your pdoc open to letting you try that form of the med??? If not I would like you to keep something tucked in your back pocket. I have heard from others here that when the Tegretol didn't work Trileptal did. It is in the same family as Tegretol but is missing some of the chemical makeup and when the Tegretol doesn't work then the Trileptal does. And I don't think it requires any blood monitoring as well. My daughter was on it and liked how it worked and was upset when she developed a rash and had to be taken off of it.

I think your right the sooner the better, I however developed this at a very young age due to a childhood trauma.. It was never treated until I was 30, I'm 33... Like I said, that's water under the bridge the past is the past and you have to work with what you have now. I am sorry about the trauma that you brought this all about. It is important that you work through that as well so that you can leave that all in the past and not drag it all around like a ball & chain weiging you down. I hope that you will be able to do that.

The only thing that keeps me going right now is my son.. I know I will get better, I have my ups and downs, I'm just having a very down time right now...... I am so sorry to hear that, Dee, but remember as I often tell Erin, today is not going to be the same as tomorrow. As bad as things may seem there is always a better day ahead....you said it yourself....there are ups and downs....so that must mean that there is another "up" ahead for you.:D One day there will be longer intervals between the two....I promise you that.:angel: So meanwhile know that there are many of us here to help you through the down times even if it is just to share a few words with you or send you some (((((HUGS))))))

Love ~ Goody:angel: :wave:

Thanks for your reply, you have a way with words that makes what you are saying easy to understand. You really do have to becareful who you tell, I've had my disorder back fire on me with my ex boyfriend, it wasn't pretty! I try and explain to people on this board what it's like, I just hope they heard me!

I've been battling Tregretol since 1/07, I was REALLY sick from it when we first started, it lasted 3 weeks. My doctor is a big believer in riding it out... I went to the hospital a week ago to get my levels checked and I was low in my Tegretol so he up'd it and I'm having a hard time again. For the most part I can handle this but my vision is bad, I can't see and everything goes up and down. I know this won't last but I'm a single mother who works full time that drives... He won't switch my meds, he says that he will write me a note to take me out of work. I can't afford that.

Your right tomorrow will probably get better, I just have so much on my plate.. I was doing good and then it crumbled, so now I'm working on this and putting the pieces back together on the past..

I hope all that made sense!

Just got back from my tdoc appt, we put a call out to my pdoc to see if my meds are hyping me up... I have a lot going on and I'm having a hard time handling it.

On a good note: My son got all A's on his report card, thank GOD for kids!

Hang in there Dee-nah...... And thats great about your son's grades :)

Dee-nah ~ I know how there could be alot of ignorant people who will use BP against you so it is wise to keep it low key until you can trust somebody to take the time to understand it. I tell my daughter to just keep it low key and if she needs to tell anybody what is going on she can tell them that she has been working on some depression and moodiness and hope that they will understand her behavior lately.

Your pdoc sounds like he is trying to do his best to monitor things with the Tegretol and is most likely weighing in the stressors that are now a part of your life. But it does sound like you have been on it for a while and perhaps it is time for him to hear you out and work with you on perhaps finding something that is quicker acting for your symptoms.

I am glad that your tdoc is going to talk with your pdoc....that may get the ball rolling on his coming up with a better plan or at least a compromise such as trying the Tegretol Retard pills to see if that may make a difference before going totally off of it.

I can see your concerns of being a single mom and having to work and being able to drive. I hope that he will be more empathetic to your concerns and responsibilities.

That is GREAT news about your son's report card.:blob_fire Yes, kids ARE great but watch out for those teenage years!! My daughter & I just had it out.....and it's hard enough having a teenage girl ~ add BP to that and you have a spontaneous combustion.:eek:

But tomorrow is another day as I say:D Have to remember to take the advice I give to others;)

Hope you have some good news for us when your pdoc gets back to you. Meanwhile hang in there and do something to celebrate those wonderful grades with your intelligent son!!!:)

Love ~ Goody:angel: :wave:

I think we are getting rid of Lithium and adding Wellburtrin = ) He feels that Teg along with Lithium is causing me problems... The difficult part in a med change is that you can't focus on getting better because the side effects can be so overwhelming, it literally sets you back in your recoverey.. I was hearing voices and seeing things which is more annoying then it is scary! I've learned to live with this at first I didn't even realize that this was part of the disorder, I just thought everyone felt that way , LOL!

My son is already on a mission to get his prize, If I hear about 1 more time i'm going to cry, LOL! He deserves it so it will happen on my clock not his! Goody, I was having a hard time accepting that he will be going into 5th grade, I don't know what I'm going to once he is a teenager... They do say boys are different then girls once they hit that point, RIGHT... please tell me I'm right..

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