Hi everyone...

I am 35 and my mom is 70. She recently had heart surgery and is to go home Friday. She is very anxious about it.

I hope I don't sound like a mean or bad person but I have some real concerns. My mother and I have never had a close relationship, but she is my mother, so I feel some obligation to her. I have no brothers or sisters, my dad passed away 12 years ago, and there is no other family in the area, so everything is pretty much up to me, and my mom's neighbors who help her. She lives 30 minutes away from me. I work full time and I also go to school full time.

My point is this. I don't have the time or the energy to give my mother all the care she needs. On any given day it would be very difficult for me to even get to her house. I have a lot of my own personal issues and honestly I just can't handle taking care of someone else. I don't WANT to take care of anyone else. It's why I don't have kids. But obviously I want her to be ok.

I feel guilty about it. But I just am not equipped to handle it, timewise, mentally, emotionally, or physically. In some ways I am also mad at her, because she caused herself to have so many problems by continuing to smoke for so long. She also has 3 large dogs to take care of.

I am sorry if I am rambling, I just don't know what to do. Thanks...

Hi Mikesgirl,
Sorry to hear of your situation, I do feel for you. I am also an only child, but my dad is still around, and I have a husband and son. So I really feel for you that you are the only family your mom has, that is hard.
I know you said you dont have a close relationship but if you do love her, I would think you may have to do something to help. Is it possible she can have a nurse to come check on her every once in a while as well? What kind of person is she? Is she independent? Will she be able to look after herself? If not, I can assure you from watching this happen in my own family, you will not be able to deal with this on your own. You will need help, because you will end up exhausted and resentful. If you feel like talking more, I am happy to listen.

Blessings to you,
Carsam:angel:

I also feel for you. I have a similar situation with my mom and my mother in law. My mom was a registered nurse for close to 40 years but never would take care of herself. Now she is severely overweight, diabetic, and has broken several bones due to osteoporosis. I tried from the time I was 11 years old when my father died until I was in my early 30s to get her to take care of herself and she refused to do so. She is now in an assisted living facility and we are both better off. She is being cared for and I'm not knocking myself out anymore. You have no reason to feel guilty. You can only do so much. If you can't do it, you can't. it is wrong of anyone to try to make you feel differently.

With my MIL, I've only been around her 7 years but it's been long enough to see she's not doing for herself. She boohoos for help and wants to know what she needs to do to help herself, but doesn't like it when you tell her the truth and won't do it. she is also overweight, diabetic and recently crushed a disc in her back. The doc. told her no lifting, use your cane etc. She won't do any of it and gripes because no one wants to help her. Sorry it's been very stressful for my husband and I both.

So please, see about outside help for her and if she refuses or won't do anything for herself you have no reason to feel bad. You have to take care of you.

hi there! sorry about your problems but given your particualr situation theres only one of a couple of ways to go. either you contact your social services to have her moved into sheltered accommodation -(where she has care as much or little as she will need-plus she will have a "call" facility around her neck she will wear an alarm for if she gets into difficulties-which turns on an intercom who can speak to her even if she`s on the floor)-plus she will have a warden on site. then the other alternative would be to place her into a home-where you could visit however much or as little as you wanted-whereby either option-you will be able to spend "quality" time with her instead of being totally stressed out around her. hope some of this helps you.

I think anyone who has had to caregive is sympathetic. I am close to my mother and I had a supportive husband, but there were days where I thought "I am going to have a nervous breakdown!"

Try to do what will bring you the least regret, but remember if you don't take care of yourself first, you won't be able to care for your mother.