How does it go...If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
I suppose it means that if difficulties come into your life try to turn them into something positive.

What if all one ever has is lemons?
What if 99% of what you receive comes with conditions?
What if each time something potentially good comes along it has a price that must be paid with heartache, tears, stress and anguish?
What if each and every time you truly need emotional support from a family member it isn't forthcoming? What if you are met with only apathy?

I am so down today I could barely keep myself awake on the 2-1/2 hour drive home from Philly. I sit here wanting to do nothing but sleep, which for me is a very bad sign of a depressive collapse. I have to dig myself out or I will end up in the dark under the covers and I don't have time for that.

I sit here at a time that I should be both apprehensive and excited. But I am neither. I am numb. I can't feel anything. I'm just blank.

I question whether I should just drop out of the trial today...now...this hour!
No. That is not fair to me. I deserve to have something I have chosen to do for myself. Something that can potentially make just this one part of my life better for many years to come. Why do I have to wade through "terms and conditions" to reach for this carrot? Why can't just this once I be greeted with a rally round mom/sister and let's help her obtain this prize?

What does everything have to be so hard?

Carolyn

sorry to hear you're so down.....I'm having a hard time really understanding what you're saying because you're speaking metaphorically....
what specifically is bothering you?

Dear Carolyn:

You wrote:

I question whether I should just drop out of the trial today...now...this hour!
No. That is not fair to me. I deserve to have something I have chosen to do for myself. Something that can potentially make just this one part of my life better for many years to come. Why do I have to wade through "terms and conditions" to reach for this carrot? Why can't just this once I be greeted with a rally round mom/sister and let's help her obtain this prize?

What does everything have to be so hard?

Carolyn

You answered your own question, my dear.

Anything in life that you will truly cherish is going to take effort in order for success to be obtained.

Terms and Conditions are generally put into place to protect others, not so much you.

You know the saying "without rules there would be anarchy."

Life comes with it, many pitfalls and adventures.

Just keep your eyes on the prize; you owe it to yourself.

Take care
God Bless
FTM

Ps- Remember that when life gives you lemons, you can make lemonade but what they don't tell you is that you have to get the sweetner yourself.

Carolyn, you are upset because you aren't getting the support from your family? Was there anything else with the trial? or is it just the commute by yourself and going through it all by yoursel?.

Hang in there, Carolyn. You need to fight for this. You have lemons...I'm drinking lemonade right now in honor of you. I've already done the work and made the lemonade for you so maybe it will be easier...know that we are thinking of you today.

I know I answer my own questions. I know I have the answers in my head. But sometimes I just need to talk to someone even when I know the answers.

Here I have been working for months on "so why is it so hard to ask for help from someone" and at a time when I truly need help, it isn't forthcoming. So, why bother to ask to begin with.

Yes, it is the lack of support from family...it is probably better to say the appearance of a lack of support. I can see their perspective, I truly can. My daughter's that is.

Maybe I am over reacting because what I wanted to happen hasn't happened. I want them to be excited for me, I want someone to give me a hug and tell me I am doing the right thing. I want my sisters (yes I know I am barking up a road that is a waste of time) to call me after three weeks of knowing about this and ask me how things are going, am I okay with this surgery, actually care about me. I want my mother to do the same.

My oldest is moving...the moving van arrives on Wednesday and all the final stuff in the house has to be done on Monday and Tuesday. The closing is Thurs and they meet the moving van at the new house in the afternoon. If this surgery was being done two weeks from now she would go with me.

The younger daughter, whom I just got off the phone with, is afraid to drive in the city and be in the city alone, while I am in the hospital. She has committed to come down and pick me up on Saturday when I can go home and stay over night to make sure I am okay.

There was no help when I was a kid. Actually, I never realized I could even ask for help.

There was no help when I was married. Like my childhood I/we hid all the bad stuff from the world. No one ever knew, except my therapist, that there was anything going wrong. When things got the worst they could get the person who should have partnered with me, my husband, to see it through together chose to abandon me and abandon his children.

I did have some help from my mother and older sister for a while after my husband left, but it was monetary. It was like when you need that person to just sit with, hug you and give you a shoulder to cry on...no one is there to do this. I have never known that kind of comfort in my entire life.

There was no help when my son was so abusive. I went through those years relatively alone too.

I will go have two holes drilled into my head. I will have a surgeon insert "stuff" into my brain...16 times on each side...yikes!! I will recover over the week. And I will do it alone...as in, no one there to run to the store for a new magazine, no one there to search for my slippers, no one there when I wake up and look in the corner to see someone catnapping while waiting for me to wake up. Just a nurse/tech on the other end of a button. What I will have are a few phone calls, which will be nice and better than a kick in the pants.

I will do it alone. It won't be the first time I have gone it alone, and I am sure it won't be the last.

My question about conditions. I am referring to something good happening in my life and for once it just evolves as it should, not stumbling blocks, no stress, no frustrations. Realistic? Yes and No

I will be back later,
Carolyn

Carolyn, I am so sorry! Do you think all of those past feelings about all that you had to do alone are all still sitting with you here today too? You said that you never realized as a kid that you could ask for help. When did you start asking for help?

What kind of surgery are you having done?

Carolyn,

I have learned in my few years here on this wonderful planet called earth...LOL!!! That in order for some of our needs to be met, WE MUST ASK for the help. Not an easy task for some of us, but sometimes we have too. I think most of us don't because of fear of rejection. So called NORMAL people (without mental & emotional problems) go through it too, but the handle it better.

So Make the lemonade, drink a big glass and make a face afterwards.......

I hope things are better with you soon, and you can dig yourself out later today.....

Hugs,

Sid

Outside of therapy, I don't believe I realized it was acceptable to ask for help until I had to deal with my son's violence alone and seek help to find placement for him, which took over a year to find and get him in. That was 18 years ago. The sheer fear of him, after my father and husband, forced me to take action where I probably would not have done so if my past had not been what it was and if my survival instinct wasn't so strong.

These issues with lack of support this past week have dredged up so many feelings. I feel like I have taken six steps backwards to where I was a year ago, and to where I was when I first found this board and the self-injury recovery board. FYI-My injuries are almost all healed. I try very hard to stay away from them, but it is so hard. The scares will be terrible for a long time to come.

When I started this clinical trial journey I was so fearful of not finding the support I needed that I became so anxious when I needed to ask either of my daughters to be involved. Fear of the word NO. Fear is a terrible thing, especially when it is self-imposed. I suppose fear is always self imposed in the context I am talking about.

I am having Phase II experimental brain surgery on Monday of next week and should be back home by the following Saturday. There were 12 in Phase I, and in Phase II there will be 51. I am number 18. There were no adverse effects with Phase I. If there had been I wouldn't be doing this, but I chose this option over deep brain stimulation (DBS). I have had Parkinson's disease for 18 years.

As I told Dr. Jim today. I hate almost every day on planet earth. I have never had someone in my life that I could depend on through thick and thin...never! I have always had to depend upon myself alone, and it is a tiring task. Life is so hard to live...and please don't send me any cliques...I don't want to hear them.

While talking to him today I was reminded of something that use to transpire between my mother and I. In a way it defines my life. It brings clarity to how I feel about hating life. After my husband abandoned the family and life got more difficult than I ever imagined, my mother would constantly...and I mean constantly...say to me, "Your day will come." Meaning things would level out and life would be joyful and pleasant. My response was to always say, "Please stop saying that to me. It isn't going to happen." I know everyone reading this is going to say to me, negative thoughts bring negative things...please don't go there...please don't.

About 10 years ago something happened. I don't remember what it was. I just remember vividly my other saying, "I have to apologize to you. I am so sorry I spent so many years telling you that your day would come. I can see now why you always asked me to not say it anymore. I promise to never say it again."

I read the following from time to time. I try very hard to believe in the words, but I just can't bring myself to do it. The words sound right and true, but believing they can apply to MY life...impossible... improbable...not going to happen. But, then if I continue to fail in my attitude towards life, what then.
“I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life. Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.” --Walter Anderson

I am not sorry I hate life. But I am grateful that my grandchildren keep me grounded to planet earth, if not for myself, for them. They are a joyful lot. The little ones with their positive outlook on their lives. The teenager in watching her change and thrive and make plans for her future. They alone give me reason to smile each day.

NOTE: Phase I trials, researchers test a new drug or treatment in a small group of people [20-80] for the first time to evaluate its safety, determine a safe dosage range, and identify side effects. In Phase II trials, the study drug or treatment is given to a larger group of people [100-300] to see if it is effective and to further evaluate its safety.

Carolyn,

You have asked us NOT to respond with so many things that all I will say is this...

I care, I am here, I understand.....

Hugs,

Sid

Carolyn.....Same here. I also care. prayers to you for a successful surgery and speedy recovery. How are you getting there Monday? Your youngest ispicking you up Saturday and staying the night with you?


ICC

Carolyn......You are a strong woman who has had so very many hardships in your life. You will see your way through this one as well. I will pray for strenghth, a successful surgery and speedy full recovery for you. And then when this is all said and done nothing but happiness in your life. You deserve it.


Hugs and Love,
ICC

Carolyn,

My prayer, and hugs for you... YOU are STRONG GIRL......

Hugs, and warm wishes.

Let us know what else they find in there.....:jester:

hugs,

Sid

You're in my thoughts Carolyn... All the best.

Mark.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and words.

GOOD NEWS!!

My daughter's mother-in-law, who is my next door neighbor and co-grandmother, was so distressed...and in tears today...about my going this alone, that she offered to go with me. I told her I would be just fine, but she insisted.

So, because I won't let her drive in the city, we are taking the train into Philly. She will stay overnight Sunday and Monday. When she see on Tuesday morning that I am just fine, she will take the train back home. She has a round-trip ticket and I have a one-way.

I will let you know when I get back how it all went. Probably next weekend.

Hugs,
Carolyn

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and words.

GOOD NEWS!!

My daughter's mother-in-law, who is my next door neighbor and co-grandmother, was so distressed...and in tears today...about my going this alone, that she offered to go with me. I told her I would be just fine, but she insisted.

So, because I won't let her drive in the city, we are taking the train into Philly. She will stay overnight Sunday and Monday. When she see on Tuesday morning that I am just fine, she will take the train back home. She has a round-trip ticket and I have a one-way.

I will let you know when I get back how it all went. Probably next weekend.

Hugs,
Carolyn

Dear Carolyn:

I pray for each and every one of our family here on a daily basis and I knew that HE was listening:

I am so pleased for you.

Just know that even though you may perceive that lonely feeling, you are truly mistaken; turn around and HE is always there.

Safe travels.

Take care
God Bless
FTM (or Ryan if you like; i've been called worse:) )

Carolyn,

ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL NEWS!!!!!!! I am so happy for you. FTM is right, the man upstairs is always there:angel: ....

I pray that things go well, I will pray that you stay safe, and well.

Hugs,

Sid

Dear Carolyn,
I am so happy for you. I am so happy that you have found someone to help, hold your hand and keep you company through all of this. Sounds like a nice lady. I'm glad you have her. Will be praying and looking forward to your safe return. God be with you , He has been so far.


Hugs,
ICC

My daughter's mother-in-law, who is my next door neighbor and co-grandmother, was so distressed...and in tears today...about my going this alone, that she offered to go with me.

I told her I would be just fine, but she insisted.



Carolyn, I am so happy that you will have someone with you. I bolded your quote up there because I wanted you to see how you have a hand in not letting people help you sometimes. Do you feel that people should not "go out of their way" to help you? This belief of yours really does affect the outcome that you want.

Again, I am so happy that she is going with you. See, you do have support out there.