...the other night. The last real convo we had was when he and his g/f were talking about aborting their child. They didn't and his daughter will be 8 this year. We've had a few brief chats in the meantime, but nothing heart-to-heart until now.

The talk was nice, but odd and a bit awkward at times. We talked about all kinds of things. Personal and social lives. Various attitudes towards life in general. Our respective health problems. We shared a lot of laughs, a few tears, and more than a few shared question marks about our childhood.

He's upset that I haven't developed a bond with Anna, his daughter. Even when I explained to him why it was difficult to develop a bond with any child, I don't think he understood. I'm so afraid of becoming close to a child and then losing them, for whatever reason. It'd break me even more than I'm already broken. Just exactly how do you get someone to understand that if they haven't been through it? I'm tired of always being the one left behind. Actually, I've come to expect it. That's why I don't get close or open up to very many people. Even though I understand it's an abandonment issue, I'm also aware that everyone leaves eventually, one way or another.

Near the end of our conversation, he said "i love you". I couldn't say it back. I'm not capable of loving someone just because they're a relative, and respect him too much to say it without meaning it. I don't know him well enough to love him. We're strangers, bound by genetics. I would like to get to know him better and the door was opened to do so. Maybe one day I'll be able to say it and mean it, but not yet.

There was to the convo. I'm still reflecting on a lot of it.

Hi nyxie....It's good to see you. I think deep in your heart you know why you cannot get close to a child. When my grandson was born my bond with him helped me to cope with my daughters death. do I have unGodly fears that I could lose another of my children or my grandchildren? God help us ,YES. BUT I don't want to miss anything in thier lives. I'm glad your brother opened the door. He's reaching out. Take his hand and let him help you. Talk to a therapist. bring it here often adn let us help you to take his hand. this should be a positive issue in your life. You deserve it. Please try not to deny yourself the love, support and comfort that's offered.


Prayers,
ICC

Nyxie,

I personally don't know how you wake up in the morning. I don't know how you function on a daily basis. I don't know why you aren't in the nut ward. I WOULD BE... You are a strong woman that has faced what few others have. I can't and won't give you any advice. You and only you knows what's best, and how you cope.

I will be here if you need help....I send my best, and warm hugs.

Sid