sammy68uk
06-15-2007, 05:49 AM
Well I guess for every up time there is a down time... Something has burst my happy bubble, and I don’t know what.
At the moment I’m in a real head spin. There are so many thoughts rolling around in my head I’m not able to concentrate on anything. My wife noticed something was wrong last night. A female colleague has just asked me if I’m okay as I’m being very quiet and look down. So I guess it’s time to drop the pretence, this mask I’m trying to wear today and accept that I’m on experiencing a low period.
I don’t even know where to start with this. Worst thing is I don’t want you folks to worry... it’s not going to be anything permanent or too damaging. I’ve been here before, but what I have noticed is that I get this tremendous urge to unburden myself of the things in my head, so I’ll apologise to you all now for any rubbish that I might post
I guess the main thing is that I’m being bombarded right now by news footage about Iraq, the Falklands war, Afghanistan. All of it at the moment concentrating on the cost in lives and the mental injuries sustained by combatants... It stirs up such a lot of grief... It’s been 19 years since my friends murder in Northern Ireland, and things like this make it feel like yesterday. There’s also lots of anger... I just cant rationalise how we’re still sending our people off to die, or even worse have their sanity destroyed and leave them to rot.
Another thing going through my mind is that it’s been two years since I was at the brink of leaving my wife. I fell “in love” with a woman I met online. I subsequently discovered that she had PTSD as a result of her service in Bosnia... We connected at such a level that I never even new existed. I’ve never understood or been understood in that way. The closeness that we got from sharing this curse was incredible. I think it was the first time either of us experienced that as an adult. Suddenly, it was over. Reality bit... The possibility of not seeing my kids crippled me. That was when I finally sought help. I couldn’t cope with everything anymore. Bang. The doc says I have PTSD... How the hell could that be ? What did I do to deserve it ? I’d almost destroyed my marriage, and lost the person that I thought would finally bring me happiness and love which I’d been numb to for so long. I’m so angry at myself for letting her go, and if I’m honest, I’m angry at her for withdrawing from me when I was having such a hard time, though I understand how for people like us it’s often easier to withdraw than to stay and fight. Why cant I forget her and move on. It’s almost like I’m stuck in this cycle of grief for a relationship that never was. I am 100% committed to my family now, but this is like a thorn in my side that I cant pull out. I don’t want to forget the person. I owe her a lot, especially that I finally understood what was wrong with me as a result of her, but I don’t want to cripple myself with these thoughts...
I’m also so angry with myself that I let it get so far with her. How could I have been so stupid to put my family though that ? I know that I love my wife. These days I feel it every time I look at her. I so wish that I’d been able to feel that way back then. I’d never have done something so stupid. Why didn’t I realise earlier what was going on with me ? Why didn’t I seek help more assertively. I once asked my doctor if it was possible I had PTSD ( this was in 2000 just after my first daughter was born ) because I was having nightmares and kept feeling very weepy on occasion... He told me it was probably a result of the changes in my life due to my daughters birth and would pass... I wish I’d pressed then. Perhaps I’d not have lost the early years of my daughters life through overworking and drinking... I cant remember her as a small child. That really upsets me. I used to see her only on Saturdays and Sundays... Often I’d be so tired I was little or no use.
Well, that’s enough brain dump for now...
Mark.
At the moment I’m in a real head spin. There are so many thoughts rolling around in my head I’m not able to concentrate on anything. My wife noticed something was wrong last night. A female colleague has just asked me if I’m okay as I’m being very quiet and look down. So I guess it’s time to drop the pretence, this mask I’m trying to wear today and accept that I’m on experiencing a low period.
I don’t even know where to start with this. Worst thing is I don’t want you folks to worry... it’s not going to be anything permanent or too damaging. I’ve been here before, but what I have noticed is that I get this tremendous urge to unburden myself of the things in my head, so I’ll apologise to you all now for any rubbish that I might post
I guess the main thing is that I’m being bombarded right now by news footage about Iraq, the Falklands war, Afghanistan. All of it at the moment concentrating on the cost in lives and the mental injuries sustained by combatants... It stirs up such a lot of grief... It’s been 19 years since my friends murder in Northern Ireland, and things like this make it feel like yesterday. There’s also lots of anger... I just cant rationalise how we’re still sending our people off to die, or even worse have their sanity destroyed and leave them to rot.
Another thing going through my mind is that it’s been two years since I was at the brink of leaving my wife. I fell “in love” with a woman I met online. I subsequently discovered that she had PTSD as a result of her service in Bosnia... We connected at such a level that I never even new existed. I’ve never understood or been understood in that way. The closeness that we got from sharing this curse was incredible. I think it was the first time either of us experienced that as an adult. Suddenly, it was over. Reality bit... The possibility of not seeing my kids crippled me. That was when I finally sought help. I couldn’t cope with everything anymore. Bang. The doc says I have PTSD... How the hell could that be ? What did I do to deserve it ? I’d almost destroyed my marriage, and lost the person that I thought would finally bring me happiness and love which I’d been numb to for so long. I’m so angry at myself for letting her go, and if I’m honest, I’m angry at her for withdrawing from me when I was having such a hard time, though I understand how for people like us it’s often easier to withdraw than to stay and fight. Why cant I forget her and move on. It’s almost like I’m stuck in this cycle of grief for a relationship that never was. I am 100% committed to my family now, but this is like a thorn in my side that I cant pull out. I don’t want to forget the person. I owe her a lot, especially that I finally understood what was wrong with me as a result of her, but I don’t want to cripple myself with these thoughts...
I’m also so angry with myself that I let it get so far with her. How could I have been so stupid to put my family though that ? I know that I love my wife. These days I feel it every time I look at her. I so wish that I’d been able to feel that way back then. I’d never have done something so stupid. Why didn’t I realise earlier what was going on with me ? Why didn’t I seek help more assertively. I once asked my doctor if it was possible I had PTSD ( this was in 2000 just after my first daughter was born ) because I was having nightmares and kept feeling very weepy on occasion... He told me it was probably a result of the changes in my life due to my daughters birth and would pass... I wish I’d pressed then. Perhaps I’d not have lost the early years of my daughters life through overworking and drinking... I cant remember her as a small child. That really upsets me. I used to see her only on Saturdays and Sundays... Often I’d be so tired I was little or no use.
Well, that’s enough brain dump for now...
Mark.
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stick2013
06-15-2007, 06:04 AM
Mark,
We often relate to people like us with the same problems, hence this board and all of us here. We understand on a level that others can't quite grasp. I am glad that you still have your wife, and that your marriage survived. I for one wish that I could find someone, and have that kind of love. I have looked, made bad choices, and I now live alone, and don't date.
As far as the war news... I became a "news junkie" after Sept 11, but in the past few months have almost stopped watching the news. It makes no sense to me at all. We haven't won a war since WW2, all we do is get involved, people die, and we leave after the crap has been stirred.
Self medication through drugs, and booze is part of the norm for people with PTSD. You know this. I was a drunk. I drank for years. I finally got smart and stopped. But then you have to face your problems too. I did, not easy. I too have tons of guilt about my drinking and screwing up myself, and my daughter. We all make mistakes.... We learn from those mistakes.....I learned, just too late.
So my question to you.... Are you in therapy??? If not, I would consider getting a good therapist trained in PTSD therapy....
Hang in there....
Sid
We often relate to people like us with the same problems, hence this board and all of us here. We understand on a level that others can't quite grasp. I am glad that you still have your wife, and that your marriage survived. I for one wish that I could find someone, and have that kind of love. I have looked, made bad choices, and I now live alone, and don't date.
As far as the war news... I became a "news junkie" after Sept 11, but in the past few months have almost stopped watching the news. It makes no sense to me at all. We haven't won a war since WW2, all we do is get involved, people die, and we leave after the crap has been stirred.
Self medication through drugs, and booze is part of the norm for people with PTSD. You know this. I was a drunk. I drank for years. I finally got smart and stopped. But then you have to face your problems too. I did, not easy. I too have tons of guilt about my drinking and screwing up myself, and my daughter. We all make mistakes.... We learn from those mistakes.....I learned, just too late.
So my question to you.... Are you in therapy??? If not, I would consider getting a good therapist trained in PTSD therapy....
Hang in there....
Sid
isitme
06-15-2007, 07:58 AM
Hey, we can be in a head spin together. I'm slowly coming out of mine and I also can't be sure what triggered it.
Whatever we did OR didn't do in the past - leave it in the past. THe first time I heard about ptsd was when news of the Falklands was on. 25 years I thought I had ptsd - and I only had it confirmed last November!!!!!
Denial, not wanting it to be like this, because when I'm not in a spin with one thing or other from the past, I am happy!!!!!!! Accept the spin that descends and rest assured it will disappear again. We all know that. We also know how totally c$&p it makes us also when going thought it. I've made many mistakes in my life which has meant my children suffered. I've shouted endlessly the last couple of days with my other 3. I've aplogized, but I know I shouldn't have been like that in the first place. Oh dear, I was meant to be supportive. Guess I'm still confused myself. I'll shut up!!!!!!!!
Whatever we did OR didn't do in the past - leave it in the past. THe first time I heard about ptsd was when news of the Falklands was on. 25 years I thought I had ptsd - and I only had it confirmed last November!!!!!
Denial, not wanting it to be like this, because when I'm not in a spin with one thing or other from the past, I am happy!!!!!!! Accept the spin that descends and rest assured it will disappear again. We all know that. We also know how totally c$&p it makes us also when going thought it. I've made many mistakes in my life which has meant my children suffered. I've shouted endlessly the last couple of days with my other 3. I've aplogized, but I know I shouldn't have been like that in the first place. Oh dear, I was meant to be supportive. Guess I'm still confused myself. I'll shut up!!!!!!!!
ICC
06-15-2007, 08:07 AM
isitme.......I don't think you're confused. You seem to see things as they are very clearly. you're right .PTSD will always be with us. Controlling it is possible BUT not all the time. Some things happen that trigger us when we least expect it and catch us off guard. Time and knowledge help us to know how to get it back under control quicker, with the least amount of pain on our part. When you're triggered try to always remember , and say it to yourself if necessary, that this is the present not the past.
Hugs,
ICC
Hugs,
ICC
sammy68uk
06-15-2007, 11:20 AM
Isitme, please, please don’t shut up ! Your views and posts are as valid as anyone’s ... You’re right. In my heart I know that this will pass. I’m already feeling a little better this afternoon and will continue to do so. It’s just such a shock when it comes from nowhere.
Sid, don’t you dare start waving that bat in my direction ! :) I regularly see a counsellor. At the moment I’ve switched to group sessions rather than one to one, as I’ve made good progress. Sometimes though, this happens between sessions. It’s something that I cant control so I have to deal with it until I can either talk about it with the counsellor or get over it on my own. My counsellor also does my EFT treatments, so if I find that I have days like this between visits, I note it and we work on it exclusively at the next session.
I think the worst part of it is the sheer overwhelming nature of the thoughts... They really do block out my ability to do anything else. It’s sort of like a snowball rolling down a hill, getting larger and larger as it does. Until is stops or smashes against something, it’s hard to get any other thoughts in there with it.
Strangely, I think dumping all that cr@p from my brain earlier was cathartic. It has helped me stop the thoughts in their tracks and deal with them piecemeal. Well that or the couple of beers I had at lunch ! . I kidded myself for a long time that I didn’t have a drink problem. I used to drink a lot without realising it. I’m not saying I was dependent on it, but I did use alcohol to control the pain and anguish I felt without realising it. When I visited Combat Stress, I suddenly woke up to the fact that from there it’s a small step to drinking more and more until total dependency is reached. Now, I’m really careful of what and when I drink. It’s an unusual week for me if I drink more than 5 beers. That said, when I’m feeling down and succumb to the knee jerk reaction of “ I want to go out and get drunk” I will drink far too much than is good for me. I know it, so I don’t do it... If I’m going to get drunk, I try to make sure it’s because I want to be and am having a good time. Semantics I know, but very important details for me.
I am a big fan of journaling, and I guess this was an immediate form of that. Besides, I value the opinions of people on here so I wanted to hear what reaction they would generate.
The tricky part of this is the way that I lift myself from the funk I’m in... these are the times when I’m at my most desperate to feel that high. To do something that brings the adrenaline coursing through my body. If I cant satisfy that craving it leaves me feeling lower than ever. There are still so many random thoughts running at the moment that I cant focus so well. There is almost a compulsion to confess things. I think that’s what so lonely about this disease. The urge to talk, but then having that taken away because of the lack of trust. There are so many things I’d like to say, but like FTM alluded to, sometimes the fear of exposing the real you and being judged by others is so crippling.
Anyway... back to work for a bit...
Sid, don’t you dare start waving that bat in my direction ! :) I regularly see a counsellor. At the moment I’ve switched to group sessions rather than one to one, as I’ve made good progress. Sometimes though, this happens between sessions. It’s something that I cant control so I have to deal with it until I can either talk about it with the counsellor or get over it on my own. My counsellor also does my EFT treatments, so if I find that I have days like this between visits, I note it and we work on it exclusively at the next session.
I think the worst part of it is the sheer overwhelming nature of the thoughts... They really do block out my ability to do anything else. It’s sort of like a snowball rolling down a hill, getting larger and larger as it does. Until is stops or smashes against something, it’s hard to get any other thoughts in there with it.
Strangely, I think dumping all that cr@p from my brain earlier was cathartic. It has helped me stop the thoughts in their tracks and deal with them piecemeal. Well that or the couple of beers I had at lunch ! . I kidded myself for a long time that I didn’t have a drink problem. I used to drink a lot without realising it. I’m not saying I was dependent on it, but I did use alcohol to control the pain and anguish I felt without realising it. When I visited Combat Stress, I suddenly woke up to the fact that from there it’s a small step to drinking more and more until total dependency is reached. Now, I’m really careful of what and when I drink. It’s an unusual week for me if I drink more than 5 beers. That said, when I’m feeling down and succumb to the knee jerk reaction of “ I want to go out and get drunk” I will drink far too much than is good for me. I know it, so I don’t do it... If I’m going to get drunk, I try to make sure it’s because I want to be and am having a good time. Semantics I know, but very important details for me.
I am a big fan of journaling, and I guess this was an immediate form of that. Besides, I value the opinions of people on here so I wanted to hear what reaction they would generate.
The tricky part of this is the way that I lift myself from the funk I’m in... these are the times when I’m at my most desperate to feel that high. To do something that brings the adrenaline coursing through my body. If I cant satisfy that craving it leaves me feeling lower than ever. There are still so many random thoughts running at the moment that I cant focus so well. There is almost a compulsion to confess things. I think that’s what so lonely about this disease. The urge to talk, but then having that taken away because of the lack of trust. There are so many things I’d like to say, but like FTM alluded to, sometimes the fear of exposing the real you and being judged by others is so crippling.
Anyway... back to work for a bit...
Survivor 1957
06-15-2007, 11:57 AM
Boy do I feel your pain,. I like the analogy of the snow ball down the hill. I feel the same way these days and feel as I hit the wall when I ended up at the hospital with chest pains. (what a wake up call that I need help when I have to call my co workers at the FD Rescue to cart me away form work)
I understand the adrenaline craving. I thrive on the rush and crash pretty bad afterwards. Then I need the rush again. It is like being a drug addict, cant maintain the rush.
Now it is effecting my work, the flash back are coming back and the intrusive thoughts that invade my life.......its back to the VA docs to see what can be done.
The hardest thing for me is asking for help. And not letting the work place know my hidden dragons. I have to be in control and I am not right now and this forum is a good place to "talk". People at work do not have a clue of what PTSD is. You would think being in law enforcement they would, but maybe they are afraid if they have issues
k
I understand the adrenaline craving. I thrive on the rush and crash pretty bad afterwards. Then I need the rush again. It is like being a drug addict, cant maintain the rush.
Now it is effecting my work, the flash back are coming back and the intrusive thoughts that invade my life.......its back to the VA docs to see what can be done.
The hardest thing for me is asking for help. And not letting the work place know my hidden dragons. I have to be in control and I am not right now and this forum is a good place to "talk". People at work do not have a clue of what PTSD is. You would think being in law enforcement they would, but maybe they are afraid if they have issues
k
isitme
06-15-2007, 12:00 PM
We all have our own terminology. Yours is snowball. I say "it's the domino effect", everything comes crashing down...................and I don't seem to be able to stop it. I then get angry, (nothing mega, I don't have the enery to be mega anything) that I am in such a pathetic state, guilty of not be able to act normally with the kids/hubby. Basically totally hate myself.............................and then I'll become myself again, finding it hard too believe I acted as I did, so low, desperate, empty, eneryless. I know my whole personality has changed during these episodes, yet at the same time I feel like a different person all together has taken over me! I sound like a right odd bod now I've written that down. I hope someone can relate? I can relate to an awful lot of what you've written.
beka6
06-15-2007, 03:14 PM
I am 100% committed to my family now, but this is like a thorn in my side that I cant pull out. I don’t want to forget the person. I owe her a lot, especially that I finally understood what was wrong with me as a result of her, but I don’t want to cripple myself with these thoughts...
Mark, if this woman was one of the first people to truly understand the PTSD aspect of you, of course you are going to feel a bond with her. We can't always choose who we're attracted to, but we can choose what we do about it.
You've made a choice - your wife- your kids (absolutely the right choice, in my opinion). You feel that you owe this woman for the help that she gave to you - but the price for this type of an emotional split is going to eventually be your marriage, or at least the quality of the marriage.
Anyway... just my two cents worth (or in your case - two pence worth). And I'm the LAST person on earth who should be giving any type of advice right now, so I'm just going to shut the hell up.
Hang in there, though - you've made some great decisions for yourself.
Beka
Mark, if this woman was one of the first people to truly understand the PTSD aspect of you, of course you are going to feel a bond with her. We can't always choose who we're attracted to, but we can choose what we do about it.
You've made a choice - your wife- your kids (absolutely the right choice, in my opinion). You feel that you owe this woman for the help that she gave to you - but the price for this type of an emotional split is going to eventually be your marriage, or at least the quality of the marriage.
Anyway... just my two cents worth (or in your case - two pence worth). And I'm the LAST person on earth who should be giving any type of advice right now, so I'm just going to shut the hell up.
Hang in there, though - you've made some great decisions for yourself.
Beka
stick2013
06-15-2007, 04:42 PM
Beka,
DO NOT shut up girlfriend... I love to hear from you. You are so bright, and so full of wisdom... Please re-read some of the post that you write. You will be amazed at the things you say.........
Mark,
The booze can be an issue as you know. You posted a few nights ago and eluded to the fact that you were drunk. I worried then as I do now. Please don't let it become a total habit again. YOU are so much more worth LIFE than the booze....Be forewarned... My bat is itching to WHACK someone......:jester: :p :p :p
Hugs,
Sid
PS...K I am glad that you posted here.. You are breaking out of your shell...GREAT JOB!!!!!
DO NOT shut up girlfriend... I love to hear from you. You are so bright, and so full of wisdom... Please re-read some of the post that you write. You will be amazed at the things you say.........
Mark,
The booze can be an issue as you know. You posted a few nights ago and eluded to the fact that you were drunk. I worried then as I do now. Please don't let it become a total habit again. YOU are so much more worth LIFE than the booze....Be forewarned... My bat is itching to WHACK someone......:jester: :p :p :p
Hugs,
Sid
PS...K I am glad that you posted here.. You are breaking out of your shell...GREAT JOB!!!!!
Sannah
06-15-2007, 04:50 PM
Mark, I hear a lot of regret in your post.
sammy68uk
06-15-2007, 07:37 PM
No Sid ! Not the bat !!!! :jester:
Dont worry :) I control the drink, not the other way round. To put it in perspective, I still get very drunk on 3 pints of beer... which is what we in the UK would term "lightweight" :)
There is a lot of regret. I hate regret, and also unfinished business. Part of me will always wonder whether this woman and I would have had a life together. The hard part was that as we opened up our feelings became so intense that we could no longer contain it online. We had to meet up. It was so confusing how things went from offering support and being someone to talk to, to suddenly becoming very sexual... It's like we both had a vacuum that we felt the other would fill totally. Those feeling so confused me that I got things totally out of whack. I regret that I acted on it because is caused myself a lot of anguish, my family a lot of pain, and cost me a friend... Needless to say I'm very careful now, though it's still too easy for me to confuse things because I think I'm still not sure about feelings of closeness.
I dont know. I'm rambling now. It's like when I read the posts by FTM and Nikki the morning after they'd been made, I was so happy for them, and I could totally see how they would talk that way and things would spiral :) ( Sorry FTM and Nikki, only using you as an example... ) I've done that before and as a result of my past would now be really wary, though the high such conversations give make them hard to resist.
Apologies to FTM and Nikki for bringing up what I felt to be a private thread :) Hope you're both okay.
Hope everyone is okay.
Mark.
Dont worry :) I control the drink, not the other way round. To put it in perspective, I still get very drunk on 3 pints of beer... which is what we in the UK would term "lightweight" :)
There is a lot of regret. I hate regret, and also unfinished business. Part of me will always wonder whether this woman and I would have had a life together. The hard part was that as we opened up our feelings became so intense that we could no longer contain it online. We had to meet up. It was so confusing how things went from offering support and being someone to talk to, to suddenly becoming very sexual... It's like we both had a vacuum that we felt the other would fill totally. Those feeling so confused me that I got things totally out of whack. I regret that I acted on it because is caused myself a lot of anguish, my family a lot of pain, and cost me a friend... Needless to say I'm very careful now, though it's still too easy for me to confuse things because I think I'm still not sure about feelings of closeness.
I dont know. I'm rambling now. It's like when I read the posts by FTM and Nikki the morning after they'd been made, I was so happy for them, and I could totally see how they would talk that way and things would spiral :) ( Sorry FTM and Nikki, only using you as an example... ) I've done that before and as a result of my past would now be really wary, though the high such conversations give make them hard to resist.
Apologies to FTM and Nikki for bringing up what I felt to be a private thread :) Hope you're both okay.
Hope everyone is okay.
Mark.
stick2013
06-15-2007, 07:45 PM
Mark,
I ended up meeting this guy almost 20 yrs ago. I told him of my past, we ended up living together. it wasn't till later in the relationship that I found out that he was a chopper pilot, shot down in Nam. His co-pilot took a bullet in the head. David had to land the chopper as safely as he could and blow it up, with his buddy dead inside. David spent 3 days crawling around the jungles of Nam trying to avoid getting captured. He made it out safely. BUT he has PTSD.... 2 people with PTSD in a relationship as far as I am concerned.....DOESN'T WORK!!!!!!!
He has NEVER dealt with his PTSD. His second tour of Nam he was a medic. He has trauma from that also.
Have you ever heard of the Anniversary Effect????? It will trigger things in the mind. I tried to commit suicide one time, and exactly 10 years to the day I tried it again. I never even knew it, till the hospital pointed it out. So I think that this is why you are having the thoughts again...
Hang in there.... This too shall pass.....
Sid
I ended up meeting this guy almost 20 yrs ago. I told him of my past, we ended up living together. it wasn't till later in the relationship that I found out that he was a chopper pilot, shot down in Nam. His co-pilot took a bullet in the head. David had to land the chopper as safely as he could and blow it up, with his buddy dead inside. David spent 3 days crawling around the jungles of Nam trying to avoid getting captured. He made it out safely. BUT he has PTSD.... 2 people with PTSD in a relationship as far as I am concerned.....DOESN'T WORK!!!!!!!
He has NEVER dealt with his PTSD. His second tour of Nam he was a medic. He has trauma from that also.
Have you ever heard of the Anniversary Effect????? It will trigger things in the mind. I tried to commit suicide one time, and exactly 10 years to the day I tried it again. I never even knew it, till the hospital pointed it out. So I think that this is why you are having the thoughts again...
Hang in there.... This too shall pass.....
Sid
Survivor 1957
06-15-2007, 08:31 PM
i understand the connectcion with the other PTSD person,. I have dated a nam vet for over 30 years, on and off. He has been married 5 times and I am divorced. we love each other but...... I think it is the understanding of the beast that aids in the closeness of the relationship. You dont hav to be on guard around another PTSD person. They get you !... my guy and I will be friends forever,(hell 33 years is forever) but he is now married again and we still meet 2-3 times a year to reconnect. lots states between us. I cant explain why we continue , it just works for us, I dont let any one else close to me...he new me before my crap started, I am not afraid of him and I know it is only a short time together and that is all I ccan handle.. The boooze thing, well it controls me when I let it. The best thing for me is not to drink. When I do, I find myself in compromizing situations that I will not go into right now.. its better for me to be sober.
stick2013
06-15-2007, 08:38 PM
K,
Your right, I think that there is that connection thing, but I don't think that 2 people with PTSD make a good couple. That's just my opinion. Maybe others have tried and are together, but David and i drove each other BATTY. I moved out, and got help. To this day he hasn't. He also has MS, from agent orange too which he really never even admitted to until after he had a heart attack, and I refused to let him come home from the hospital until he made appointments with a neurologist. I was such a *****... But at least he was finally DX'ed, and is on full disability from the VA for it....
Sid.
Your right, I think that there is that connection thing, but I don't think that 2 people with PTSD make a good couple. That's just my opinion. Maybe others have tried and are together, but David and i drove each other BATTY. I moved out, and got help. To this day he hasn't. He also has MS, from agent orange too which he really never even admitted to until after he had a heart attack, and I refused to let him come home from the hospital until he made appointments with a neurologist. I was such a *****... But at least he was finally DX'ed, and is on full disability from the VA for it....
Sid.
sammy68uk
06-15-2007, 09:30 PM
Sid,
I'm sure you've hit the nail on the head partly... it's an anniversary thing. But the sense of loss is always there. Really tired right now and not thinking straight. I guess the connection seemed so perfect. Physically is was intense. It's like in opening up our mind to each others horrors, we'd enabled the other to find out exactly the right buttons to press so to speak... cant describe it well enough at the moment.
I feel a sense of loss about that physical liberation too... Or perhaps it's just lust. Who the hell knows.
I'm off to bed now peeps. You all have a good day :)
Mark.
I'm sure you've hit the nail on the head partly... it's an anniversary thing. But the sense of loss is always there. Really tired right now and not thinking straight. I guess the connection seemed so perfect. Physically is was intense. It's like in opening up our mind to each others horrors, we'd enabled the other to find out exactly the right buttons to press so to speak... cant describe it well enough at the moment.
I feel a sense of loss about that physical liberation too... Or perhaps it's just lust. Who the hell knows.
I'm off to bed now peeps. You all have a good day :)
Mark.
Survivor 1957
06-16-2007, 01:02 AM
sid, i agree that 2 people with PTSD should not be together, ... unless they are activly working on their issues, and that they support each other. my friend and I live 2000 mile apart, so the get togethers are far and few betwen. we talk daily. We Are Friends before anything else! He shares with me his dragons and is able to steer me in the right direction. He also knows alot of my crap. I can talk to him w/o bieing judged. There is alot more that has happen to me that he does not know. He knows this and also know i will tell him when I can. I still have not been able to share that with anyone. I am sure that is one of my problems now, I am sure that is why I am ready to explode...I just need to hang on till the 29th.
k
k
stick2013
06-16-2007, 08:28 AM
K,
You can hang on, your strong.....Right now with all of the crap, you just THINK that you are weak...... People here on this board are SURVIVORS.. We are here because we are asking for help. We know we need help at times.
Yes I have tried to commit suicide 8 times. I have almost made it many of those times. Dr's don't know why I am still here. I hate the depression side of PTSD it drives me nutty. Mine spirals out of control and I get to the point that I just don't care.....I pop a couple of bottles of pills, and hope I never wake up again.....
The point is....I'm still alive, I found this board, and I love the people here. I get the help that I need when I ask, and I help those that need help also. You are here for a reason too. You are asking for help.......That tells me that you want to live, you want to get better, you want to acheive higher gaols for yourself. YOU are a SURVIVOR... Your user name tells it all......
Hugs,
Sid
You can hang on, your strong.....Right now with all of the crap, you just THINK that you are weak...... People here on this board are SURVIVORS.. We are here because we are asking for help. We know we need help at times.
Yes I have tried to commit suicide 8 times. I have almost made it many of those times. Dr's don't know why I am still here. I hate the depression side of PTSD it drives me nutty. Mine spirals out of control and I get to the point that I just don't care.....I pop a couple of bottles of pills, and hope I never wake up again.....
The point is....I'm still alive, I found this board, and I love the people here. I get the help that I need when I ask, and I help those that need help also. You are here for a reason too. You are asking for help.......That tells me that you want to live, you want to get better, you want to acheive higher gaols for yourself. YOU are a SURVIVOR... Your user name tells it all......
Hugs,
Sid
Sannah
06-16-2007, 10:31 AM
Mark, do you think that you just need to forgive yourself for your "transgressions"? Are you also thinking about what could have been? Fantasizing? This seems like a form of escape?
Survivor 1957
06-16-2007, 10:50 AM
SID, I KNOW I WILLHANG ON ITS JUST GOING TO BE A HARD FEW WEEKS. I HAVE NOT TRIED THE SUICIDE ROUTE BUT IT HAAS BEEN IN THE BACK OF MY MIND FOR A BIT. i HAVE NOT GONETO THE BEACH BY MYSELF BECAUSE I AM AFRIAD I WILL SWIM STRAIGHT OUT INSTEAD OF ALONG THE SHORE. I USE TO SWIM FOR 1 -1/2 MILES A DAY , NOW I CANT PUT MY FOOT IN THE WATER.
MARK, MY ONLY COMMENT ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON IN YOUR LIFE IS,,,,IF YOU LOVE YOUR WIFE AND KIDS AND THEY LOVE YOU STICK WITH IT, IT WILL BE WORTH IT IN THE LONG RUN...THEY KNOW YOU HAVE PTSD AND ARE WILLING TO STAND BY YOU THEN STAY WITH IT....THE OTHER PERSON ,,WELL IF IT FELT GOOD THEN ITS OK...I TRULY UNDERSAND, WANTING TO HAVE THE FEELING OF A NEW AND EXCITING RELATIONSHIP,THAT YOU DONT HAVE BAGGAGE WITH IS A GREAT THOUGHT, BUT GUESS WHAT, THE BAGGAGE ALWAYS CATCHES UP WITH YOU. THE REALITY IS THE SHARING OF SECRETS, YOURS AND HERS. IF YOU CAN STAY CYBER FRIENDS ONLY, GOOD FOR YOU. I KNOW THAT I SEEING MY GUY 2-3 TIMES YEAR FOR OVER 30 YEARS AND THAT HAS WORKED FOR ME... BUT I DO NOT HAVE A HUSBAND TO WORRY ABOUT, BUT HE HAS HIS WIFE...GOOD LUCK TO YOU. NO GUILT HERE, I AM ONLY HANGING ON BY A THREAD MY SELF....
MARK, MY ONLY COMMENT ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON IN YOUR LIFE IS,,,,IF YOU LOVE YOUR WIFE AND KIDS AND THEY LOVE YOU STICK WITH IT, IT WILL BE WORTH IT IN THE LONG RUN...THEY KNOW YOU HAVE PTSD AND ARE WILLING TO STAND BY YOU THEN STAY WITH IT....THE OTHER PERSON ,,WELL IF IT FELT GOOD THEN ITS OK...I TRULY UNDERSAND, WANTING TO HAVE THE FEELING OF A NEW AND EXCITING RELATIONSHIP,THAT YOU DONT HAVE BAGGAGE WITH IS A GREAT THOUGHT, BUT GUESS WHAT, THE BAGGAGE ALWAYS CATCHES UP WITH YOU. THE REALITY IS THE SHARING OF SECRETS, YOURS AND HERS. IF YOU CAN STAY CYBER FRIENDS ONLY, GOOD FOR YOU. I KNOW THAT I SEEING MY GUY 2-3 TIMES YEAR FOR OVER 30 YEARS AND THAT HAS WORKED FOR ME... BUT I DO NOT HAVE A HUSBAND TO WORRY ABOUT, BUT HE HAS HIS WIFE...GOOD LUCK TO YOU. NO GUILT HERE, I AM ONLY HANGING ON BY A THREAD MY SELF....
sammy68uk
06-16-2007, 05:41 PM
Mark, do you think that you just need to forgive yourself for your "transgressions"? Are you also thinking about what could have been? Fantasizing? This seems like a form of escape?
TBH Sannah, I'm dont really believe that I need to fogive myself for my transgressions... That's always been the problem. A big part of the regret is for what might have been I think.
I've done so many things that I'm not proud of, mainly because it's a high that temporarily lets me feel human again. Happily, I've been a lot better for a while now, but sometimes the urge to be out there and doing something so I can feel the rush of life full on is hard to fight. It's really hard to describe. I was tied into a self destructive cycle. That it stayed in control and under wraps for so long is a suprise to me when I look back.
I always justified it by telling myself that "I know how frail and short life can be. I have to do everything I can while I have it..."
I kind of have a new way of looking at life now that I'm more settled, but scratch the surface and underneath is always the me that I used to be.
Survivor, I no longer speak with the lady concerned, and havent done for almost 2 years now. That hurst more than anything, as I worry about her, and miss her "compansionship" online. I've found friends here that give me a similar level of companionship and understanding without the risk of complication, and that means a lot to me.
Mark.
TBH Sannah, I'm dont really believe that I need to fogive myself for my transgressions... That's always been the problem. A big part of the regret is for what might have been I think.
I've done so many things that I'm not proud of, mainly because it's a high that temporarily lets me feel human again. Happily, I've been a lot better for a while now, but sometimes the urge to be out there and doing something so I can feel the rush of life full on is hard to fight. It's really hard to describe. I was tied into a self destructive cycle. That it stayed in control and under wraps for so long is a suprise to me when I look back.
I always justified it by telling myself that "I know how frail and short life can be. I have to do everything I can while I have it..."
I kind of have a new way of looking at life now that I'm more settled, but scratch the surface and underneath is always the me that I used to be.
Survivor, I no longer speak with the lady concerned, and havent done for almost 2 years now. That hurst more than anything, as I worry about her, and miss her "compansionship" online. I've found friends here that give me a similar level of companionship and understanding without the risk of complication, and that means a lot to me.
Mark.
stick2013
06-16-2007, 05:51 PM
Mark,
I do understand the "living on the edge" feeling. The rush, the feeling alive. But like I said in another thread. It's fake, not real, and after it leaves you empty.
I used to drink, sleep around, drive fast and dangerous. Did so many things that when I look back, I wonder how I survived many of them.....So yes I understand. I used to say that "Life is short." it was my excuse for everything....
We never really change ourselves Mark. The OLD us is always there. Just a little more calm, settled like you said. Older too......LOL!!! I think age really does help with the process though.
I am glad that you have found us too, and that we can be of help to you....
Hugs,
Sid
I do understand the "living on the edge" feeling. The rush, the feeling alive. But like I said in another thread. It's fake, not real, and after it leaves you empty.
I used to drink, sleep around, drive fast and dangerous. Did so many things that when I look back, I wonder how I survived many of them.....So yes I understand. I used to say that "Life is short." it was my excuse for everything....
We never really change ourselves Mark. The OLD us is always there. Just a little more calm, settled like you said. Older too......LOL!!! I think age really does help with the process though.
I am glad that you have found us too, and that we can be of help to you....
Hugs,
Sid
Survivor 1957
06-17-2007, 11:40 AM
mark, I have found "friends" here also. I was so dam alone, thinking no one else would understand what I was going through. Hell I don't understand it. This forum has held me togehter over the last 2 weeks , i do belive I would not be here if I did not find you all. ... I am pulling myself out of the black hole and I am gald you all are here to help.
k
k