My name is Ken, I am Amber's husband. I know Amber comes here often.
I want to say thank you for giving her a safe place to come to and for making her feel safe to be herself.
I can see she's already posted a lot of what's been going on in her life. Times have been hard for her. She really is a good person. Just a person going through hell right now.
Amber is now in the hospital. Early this morning, she drank quite a bit of wine, trying to relax when she couldn't sleep. When one glass didn't help, she would drink another. This morning, she took some Ativan, and again, when it didn't help, she took some more. She says she thought the alcohol would be out of her system by then, but she had an adverse reaction to it, and became quite ill today. She won't talk to me, and she won't tell me how she's feeling, and seems to be shutting down even more. She's going to be monitored for tonight, and will be discharged, probably with some antidepressants, and a referral to an outpatient therapy center in California tomorrow. I don't know what to say to her. I have recently said some things that really hurt her, and I feel terrible for that. We have three young kids together two of which are going through some tough medical situations, whom she loves very much, but I know it has been hard on her to take care of the two sick ones, the baby, and deal with everything else that has shown up in her life lately. How do I talk to her without making her more upset? I don't want to make her feel like something is wrong with her, but I can't help but notice how much she has changed in the last few months. She really is depressed, and it's effecting her entire life. Part of me wants to believe that this was an accident, or a misjudgement on her part, but I'm having a hard time believing it. Sorry for the long post, but if anyone can guide me in a way to talk to her, or how to treat her when she comes home, it really would be a big help. Thank you, I'm glad she at least has this site to come to.
Sincerely,
Ken

I'm so sorry to hear what happened. I haven't been on the board lately, but I have posted to Amber when she first joined. I'm not the best to give you advice, since Sannah and Dakota know her best. But I think what she really needs is unconditional love and support from you. Whether her hospitalization is accidental or intentional shouldn't be a concern at the moment because the "blame and responsibility" game isn't going to do any good but will only elevate tension between you two. Be there for her. I think your love will get her through this.

Please let her know that I'm praying for her and am looking forward for her to come back to the board.

-lilme

Hi Ken,
My name is Caroline and I consider myself a friend of Ambers on this site. I have posted to her many times. It was quite a surprise to see the post and realize that it was actually her husband. This doesnt happen often on here, and I feel a little odd responding....but I couldn't not do it. I am so sorry to hear she is in hospital, but I know things have been really difficult for her lately.
Ken, I dont actually suffer from depression, but my mom does. That's why I firstly came to this board, to get some insight and advice on how to help her, and I think I've been really fortunate to get that from the wonderful people here. Ken, Amber is going through so much right now (I know you all are)....but I think she's really overwhelmed....with all of the issues she's dealing with, and I think that all her stressful situations are triggering her depression even moreso. I think she could really benefit from some time for herself Ken. From the first time I read Amber's post, it was crystal clear how much love she has for her family...she's truly a remarkable person. And I think she's trying God bless her to hold in all her emotions to be a "rock" for everyone. Maybe Ken you can be that "rock" for her. I know now when my mom goes through depressive episodes, that I try to give her what she needs. If she wants me to be there physically, then I am. If she needs space I give it to her. And I let her know that she does not have to put on a brave face all the time for us. She doesnt need to feel guilty that her feelings might affect her family, she has enough on her plate. In saying that Ken, Amber has so much more going on...with the health issues of her children and other stuff. Having 3 children is difficult on a good day....but throw in health issues....I dont know how you guys deal with it. It's so frightening and physically and emotionally draining to actually go through all those medical tests with your child. I have experienced this, and I so feel for her in this regard.
So Ken, from my experience as someone who has a loved one who suffers from this illness, just be there for her, give her plenty of hugs, she needs to just feel loved and to feel safe right now. And she needs to feel like "Amber". This is just my opinion. I hope Amber will be okay with me responding to you, like I said, this doesnt happen often on the board, but I know you want the best for her and love her. Please know Amber and her entire family have a special place in our hearts here. Amber knows we are here for her...
I hope I havent said anything bad or that Amber will be upset with me for....and if I've said anything that's not right about her illness, I hope and pray some of the other posters here will jump in and correct me or add more to it, as I'm not an expert, just someone who cares about Amber. This is too delicate a situation to say the wrong thing...so I hope it helps at least a little. I will say a prayer tonight for Amber, you and your family...that you will all come through this an even stronger family than you already are. You all love each other so very much, you cant get a better starting point than that!!

Blessings to you Ken,
Carsam :angel: :angel: :angel:
P.S. If Amber does not get out tomorrow, perhaps you could let us know that she is okay. We will be praying for her here.

Justlilme...
Just saw your post.....and I think what you said was very true. Ken, she needs your "unconditional love and support".....and as lilme says, that will get her through...

Carsam

And I think she's trying God bless her to hold in all her emotions to be a "rock" for everyone. Maybe Ken you can be that "rock" for her.--carsam

hi ken,

i think what caroline said up there is very true! we've all come to know amber at least a bit through her posts, and we realize that she can't really take it anymore. she's been the "strong one" for so long, the one who always took care of everyone that i even suggested for her (just this morning) to go into a hospital at least for a week. ken, she NEEDS to get her head straigth again. she can't see anything in front of her eyes anymore. the woman tries to appear "ok" in front of you guys--her family, but inside she's screaming for help. she can't hold on anymore, ken!! she needs a bit of respite from everything. i told her she can't go on like this for too long anymore, because she will definitely end up in a not-so-good of a place....and look what happened, ken. she NEEDS to be away from everyone for a while (and not because she doesn't love you guys, just the contrary--because she does, and because she wants and needs to be there for you all years from now). but if she doesn't do something about herself and her health NOW, ken, this day-to-day stuff will only add up and be the end of her. she's living in a traumatized world (even if it's in her head, it is real, because it's her perception of things--after all, reality is only our perception of the world). she is exceptionally tired. tired to the core. she was just telling me/us how she was trying to make it minute by minute, and couldn't even think about 5-10 years from now, when i mentioned that she needs to care for her health, since her kids will need her mother 5-10 years from now. she mentioned how she put the phone in the freezer and couldn't make coffee in the morning, for the life of her... ken, i told her these are all signs that her body is using to tell her it's time to STOP. if she pushes herself much longer, i'm truly scared for her, ken.

in saying this, maybe you can somehow encourage her to stay there at the hospital for another 3-4 days, just for some peace and quiet ken. please do this for her. i'm sorry, i don't know you very well, but i've gotten to know her, and i'm really very sorry for her. being a depressive myself, i hate and suffer to see other depressives go through so much pain and anguish. she's slowly destroying and tearing herself apart if she's to go on this way forever, ken. and you know, i'm sure you can manage the kids for 3-4 days. the outpatient care center sounds good, but beyond anything right at this moment, i think she needs some damn rest, ken. i'm sorry i'm vulgar, but i am emotional when i speak about these things...i guess it's because i know some of the feelings she must be feeling, and i can only imagine how these emotions are compounded inside of her, by a past of abuse and by two sick little kids....

i'm very sorry for being so blunt with you, but this is what i think.
my blessings to you all, and please tell her dakota is praying for her, and loves her!! :angel: :angel:

Ken,
I just read Dakota's post.....
I wrote to you as Amber's friend, and as someone who knows what it's like to watch a loved one go through depression.....Dakota also is a friend of Ambers but suffers from this and understands better....everything she said Ken about Amber is very true from all that she has shared with us. I really agree she needs some immediate time away for herself...so she can get some strength to come back and deal with all of this. Your wife is really strong Ken and she has endured alot in her life......but the strongest person will crumble if their foundation is not solid..... she needs to build up her "foundation" again.....please be there for her. Just by coming here, I know you will.

Caroline

dear C,

i really believe amber NEEDS this right NOW!!!!. thanks for agreeing with me. however, it is possible that even though ken may tell her to stay there, she WON'T want to...that would be bad!!

Yes, D, you're right, she does need it now! I hope my post didnt suggest otherwise because I really do agree with you. And I hope to God that she does stay there and get some rest. She wasnt very receptive to the idea when you suggested it, but maybe now she will rethink....and if Ken can convince her....
Let's you and me say some serious prayers for her tonight, I really think she needs them right now.
I am worried for her....
C

heck, C, i was feeling really BAD for her this morning, that's what i even insinuated hospital...and you know that i would NEVER go to such lengths if i didn't see a need for it. it's actually the first time ever that i suggested this to anybody on this board!!! but she is burnt beyond belief!!! yet she keeps thinking she can go on and do it...on auto pilot, like a robot. until she collapses. and look...she did!! well, she tried very, very hard, but anyone who would read between her lines, on her latest posts, would've seen that coming, C.

yes, your prayers are always heard (I'M SURE OF THAT NOW! :) dear C!!! i know it. your heart is pure.

hi ken, i have been reading and responding to amber..the whole story just breaks my heart. she has a horrible fear of this lunatic coming into her life..im trying to understand why he is in the picture, is he really stalking her or is it a coincidence? yes i agree she needs rest and anti-depressants, they will help her..but the bottom line here is getting this creep away from her. so she can rest and just take care of her family. this cant be all in her mind can it? im just not sure..depression and anxiety can do alot to your mind and body. please take care of her and your babies..i will keep your family in my prayers.:angel:

well, she tried very, very hard, but anyone who would read between her lines, on her latest posts, would've seen that coming, C.

Dakota....what you just said is so true....I did see this coming.....and I wish there was something more I could have done (or said) to help her.

Many thanks to all of you. I was wondering why Amber would come to this site so much, but I see that she has made some good, caring friends here.

Amber is very close with her old psychologist in Las Vegas. Barbara called and talked to her at the hospital a bit ago, and Amber told her that she was desperate for some sleep, that she stopped drinking the wine after her third glass, and still hadn't fallen asleep at 7:00, so she tried the ativan. And when it still didn't work, she took two more. Barbara said that usually she probably would have been okay with this, but since her body is so run down, it reacted in a bad way. This makes me feel a little better that this wasn't intentional.

James has emotionally damaged her for good. She has such a hard time talking about it still to this day. I can see in her eyes how hard it is for her, so I usually don't bring it up. I think the hard part is that father is friends with him, and didn't protect her like a father should. The last time this happened really put her in her lowest spot. We have moved from location to location, and he has always shown up in one form or another. We have blocked our phone number, and made sure we were not listed in the phonebook, we've changed our phone number on a regular basis, but somehow, he's managed to find information out still. We've applied for restraining orders everytime we find out he's nearby again, but this is a free country; he's allowed to live where he wants. Living in the same state, or even the same town doesn't pose a physical risk, according to the courts. Stalking laws really don't seem to protect the victims, unless true physical harm is done. Then this past year, her family who still talks with her dad, moved right down the street-just a few houses down. Shortly after, we found out that James was living not too far from our town again; and she's been going down hill since. I've tried talking her into moving again, but she doesn't think it will be of use, and said she's tired of running from him.

Dakota_Skye and Carsam (Caroline), Amber is our rock. She's what keeps our family together, and what keeps us going. She worries so much about our kids. She worries about our daughters. Our two year old has started collapsing. While she jumps into survival mode and instinctively seems to know what to do, I become paralyzed. When our five year old starts throwing up, even though she's not supposed to be able to, she sits there rubbing her back the entire time, and then when she's able to, calls the doctor. I become angry, because her first doctor messed our daughter up so bad. Our son still nurses, and is very attached to his mom. She tries to keep him open to getting his nourishment anyway he can, but he's a persistat little bugger. So I think sometimes it's just easier for her to give in and nurse him, than to listen to him cry. She thinks he's sensing her stress, so he needs the comfort, so she feels bad making him cry. I can only imagine how much she is worrying right now. Probably worrying about how I am going to react if either of our girls have any thing wrong tonight. Probably worried that our son is crying, and still probably worried that James is still somewhere near. The latter one is a never ending fear.

She doesn't want me to be at the hospital, and I think she's still upset with me. I'm going to give her tonight to think things through, and I'll try again in the morning.

I am not sure if she will have a say in staying in the hospital or not. Since she is saying that this was not a suicide attempt, I don't think they are obligated to keep her for treatment. I will talk to Barbara again in the morning, maybe she can call the hospital and talk to them more.

Thank you everyone for responding to my post. I didn't know if I was allowed to do this or not, but I am glad that I did.
Ken

She doesn't want me to be at the hospital, and I think she's still upset with me. I'm going to give her tonight to think things through, and I'll try again in the morning.

I am not sure if she will have a say in staying in the hospital or not. Since she is saying that this was not a suicide attempt, I don't think they are obligated to keep her for treatment. I will talk to Barbara again in the morning, maybe she can call the hospital and talk to them more.--ken

hi ken,
dont worry too much about now, and amber not wanting to speak to you. shutting down for a day or two may be good for her body and mind when she has nothing left. i'm thinking it's the body's way of preserving whatever energy it has. don't take it personally. she's extremely sensitive now, too. we would all be, if we were in her shoes. and if we all know her, we know she won't be "shutting down" for long!! she loves you, ken, and she loves her kids. she lives for you guys. but she needs to live for herself too. if her health is not good, she can't take care of anyone.

yes, a couple of glasses of wine and two ambien shouldn't be a lethal combo, (and it was NOT intentional--the woman wanted to sleep a little), but like her psych said, her body was too weak to even withstand that. so, as you mentioned yesterday, ken, please speak to her psychologist and see if she can talk to those hospital people and maybe extend her stay there for a few more days. ken, if it's not this incident, (these 2 glasses of wine and 2 sleeping pills) to bring her body sooooo down--god knows what will be, because as her psych said, her body is so fragile now, and so ran down, that she cant stand anything pushing "against" her anymore. her immune system is probably low too.

didn't mean to bother you again with this post, but just wanted to say it again.
blessings!:angel:

Hi Ken, do you think that this pervert will try to attack her again? This seems to be her biggest fear here and what is driving her the craziest. We have all grown quite fond of Amber here. For you to come here to get help really says a lot about you and how supportive you are of her. She needs massive support constantly from you. She really needs to feel that you are completely on her side. Please try to help her feel safe and secure. I think that if she can start to feel safe and secure that she can get to a better place. Do you think that there is anyway to decrease her fear level of this creep? Please be strong for her about this situation. Do not show her that you are afraid of this situation at all. Fear feeds fear and she really needs to find some courage here.

James has emotionally damaged her for good. She has such a hard time talking about it still to this day. I can see in her eyes how hard it is for her, so I usually don't bring it up. I think the hard part is that father is friends with him, and didn't protect her like a father should.
Ken
Hi Ken....looks like we're all here for Amber this morning.......
Ken, what you just said....it's just my opinion...I know it is hard for her, but even if "she" doesnt want to talk about it.....you need to rather than "not bring it up", make her feel that this man is not the one in control - that YOU are. Constant reassurance of this by you will help her to feel safer, and then maybe she can start to feel more control for herself. I agree with Sannah, this is I believe the biggest piece of the puzzle that is getting to Amber right now...and a good starting place. And the fact that her father is friends with him.....I feel this is a big part of the problem as well. When I see that you guys have moved around, and he is still there, no wonder the poor woman is afraid. No matter what, she still does not feel safe, and that's what she needs. Yes, I believe this man "emotionally damaged" her, but not "for good". If that was the case, she couldnt have been strong enough to become a wife and a mother to three children. She is strong, and with help, I'm hoping she can come to terms with this.

Just my suggestion..maybe she could go to Vegas and spend time with Barbara for a few days after her stay in the hospital. I know there is alot going on....but if there was something wrong with your children, they would get help right away, no waiting for the "right time". The right time for Amber is now.....

Please let us know how she is.....like Dakota says dont worry if she is upset with you.....it will pass....it's more important to get started on helping her heal from this. Please be there for her....and we will also.

Blessings to you Ken....
Carsam:angel:

Ken, i dont think this was a suicide attempt..ive been in her situation. you just want some sleep and it doesnt happen..you get so desperate so you drink wine and take a pill i have been there and done that...not to kill myself...she was so probably rundown..let her get some rest..

Morning to you all.

For Sannah. I have to say that I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. I wouldn't put it past him to try and do something. We seen him this weekend at the carnival, and he had no problem making direct eye contact with her. He showed no shame or guilt. I don't know how to protect her. I was so angry when I seen him. She always tells me that it's okay to walk away. We have too much to lose to let our heads get the best of us, so just walk away. She says as nice as it would be to see him pay-it's not in our hands to take care of it. She says we have to do it the right way, and let the legal system deal with him. But the legal system has failed miserably. If the legal system isn't going to protect my wife and my kids, then I'm willing to make that sacrifice if need be. I won't go looking for trouble, but I will do what it takes to protect my family.

I know there are times when Amber would rather die, than to live. I know she struggles with this, and I know it's almost daily. I don't know how to help her with this. She has been going to counseling since before we even met, but she still feels this way. Life just gets the best of her, and she gets to a point where she can't see any other way. She's been through and witnessed so many things that no one should have to ever witness, so for me, who had a pretty good life growing up, it's so hard to understand. There are so many things that she went through, that she still lives with today. The amazing thing about her is that even though she has lived a life filled with pain, she still has this light that shines around her, that attracts people from every walks of life. She is still able to see others' pain, and is more than willing to help them deal with it, but she can't figure out how to get through her own pain. I try and show her how much she means to me and our kids. I come home from working a long day and all three kids want my attention, and sometimes because of this, she gets pushed to the side.

So when she called me and said she was going to the hospital and for what reasons, I thought she had overdosed. I really did. The anniversary of her friends suicide is coming up this week, so suicide was the first thing I thought of. But there are still 27 pills in the bottle from a months supply, so I know that if this was a suicide attempt she would have taken more. It would have been quite easy. Plus, I don't think she would lie to Barbara. And if it were a suicide attempt, do you think she would take herself to the hospital?

Another one of her good friends from LV is flying in this morning for the weekend. I'm hoping we can get her through this.

Thank you again. If Amber isn't released today, I will post more. If she is, I'm sure she will be on sometime this weekend.
Ken

I have to say that I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. I wouldn't put it past him to try and do something. We seen him this weekend at the carnival, and

he had no problem making direct eye contact with her.

He showed no shame or guilt.

She always tells me that it's okay to walk away. so just walk away.

Ken, I am so glad that we are able to talk with you. I used to do child protection. I went with a police officer to the home of a sexual offender. Because I brought this case to the attention of the police (during an interaction with a child in an investigation his name came up), this man was staring holes into me at the door. He looked like the most evil man on the planet with that look in his eye. I refused to make eye contact with him and I let the police officer do all the talking while he didn't take his eyes off of me. This man was only playing mind games with me.

Because this creep looks at Amber doesn't mean that he is going to attack her. Just because he shows no shame or guilt also doesn't mean that he is going to attack Amber. These guys are only meeting their own twisted needs and they do not concern themselves with anyone else's needs or feelings. To feel shame or guilt you need empathy and he doesn't possess this. It has been years since he has attacked her. Her life it totally different now. She is older and married. I truly believe that if he was going to attack her again that it would have happened by now. If you can believe this it will help Amber to believe this so that she can stop living in fear.

There is nothing wrong with walking away. I think that this is the best thing to do.

Thank you Sannah, I'm glad that I was able to meet you all.

The last time that he attacked her she was 20. She had gone grocery shopping after work, and was bringing in the groceries. She was going in and out of the house bringing in the groceries, and so the door was left open. At the time we lived in a house that the entry way was in the middle of the house, so to speak. You walked in, and downstairs was the bedrooms, upstairs was the living room, dining room and kitchen. She was taking the groceries up stairs, and one of the times, he just walked right in behind her. When I came home, she was sitting in the corner in a ball, and had been crying for what looked liked years, with a box full of prescription drugs that she had saved up, and hidden. Two days later, Amber moved out of the house. He plays these mind games with her. He gets her feeling so weak and helpless that no one can bring her back up. I can't, her closest friends can't, no one. He threatens her, and puts the fear of God into her. And again, I see her in this weak and helpless state, and after this week, he probably knows that. I can't be around 24/7, I can't constantly hover over her, if I could, I would put her in a bubble to protect her from any more pain. I'm willing to move again if it means keeping her safe. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. She says she's tired of running. She doesn't want to uproot our kids, but if it means keeping her safe, I think our kids could care less.

I talked to the Dr at the hospital, and he said that she barely slept again last night, and she was very emotional. He said she cried a lot, and wouldn't talk to anyone. Maybe this will be an indicator to keep her in for another night. Her friend will be here to help take care of the kids, so I can spend more time with her, and being there for her.
Ken

Ken, so how long ago was that last attack and why couldn't the police do anything about this? How has he been threatening her since the attack except looking at her? Was this last attack a rape?

I really hope Amber stays in the hospital for as long as she needs.

nvd, im sorry to be so blunt but when you said attacked does that mean raped? jesus, if so, he broke into your home why were the police not involved? you have rights, im just not understanding this..yes i do understand shes traumatized but i cant get why hes getting away with this.

I received a phone call from the doctor at the hospital this morning, and was told to get to the hospital asap. When I got to the hospital, I was not able to see Amber. There were two police standing outside her door, and a female doctor in her room with her. Amber looked sick and distraut.
Another police came and asked me to fill out a report, and to give a thorough description of James, and our families address. This morning, after Amber still could not sleep, the doctor decieded to order a psych evaluation. I'm not exactly sure what happened at that point, but it was discovered that the son of a ***** was here yesterday. Yesterday morning. Yesterday while my kids slept in the other rooms. Amber told the doctors that the dogs were barking all night, and yesterday shortly after I left for work he showed up at the door. There was a police call that someone was acting strange around our street at around 10:00 PM, but a neighborhood check was done, but no one was found, and then no one else called after that one call. So he either sat and waited in our fin yard, or he was at our families house. A rape test has been done and some semen samples on her clothes are being tested for DNA, and the police are now looking for James. I'm still not exactly sure what is going on, or what is going to happen. They currently have her under protective custody; I can't even see my wife. I can't believe this **** is happening again. I just can't believe it. I can't beleive he had the f-in nerve to show up at MY house...WITH MY KIDS in it. God, why didn't we listen to her? Why didn't I do anything else to protect her? I want to see her so bad. I need to hold her, I need to make her feel safe. I need to be there for her. But they won't even let me talk to her. I didn't do it! What do I say to her? She was right. I should have listened to her. I should have been there to protect her. I should be there now, but it does me no good sitting in the waiting room watching a bunch of police protect her. I'm her husband. I need to protect her, and I failed. God WHY??

i hope amber feels much better. and i pray for you and your whole family ken. just one thing though you have to really be carefull of what you say to amber, because the more hurtfull things you will say to her, the more she will find drinkinng as means to cope. again, my prays are with you buddy/

Sannah, Jules3,

This happened 7 years ago. She was 20. And yes, it was a rape. The police were reported, by me and Barbara. It turned out that "James" is not his name at all. This is the only thing that Amber has ever known him by. A rape test was done, and while there was some physical signs, there was no semen to sample. It was not clear as to if a condom was used, or there just wasn't an ejaculation. To get anything done, you obviously need some evidence. There wasn't a forceful entry, obviously with him just walking in, and no DNA to test for, so it was dropped. Maybe this time the ******* will get what he deserves. At least this time she has the police report of someone suspicious, as well as what looks like seminal residue. The doctor said that she will be under protective care at the hospital until they feel she is safe. I'm just waiting for the okay to come down. As angry as this makes me, maybe this will be a good thing. If the legal system steps up like they are supposed to, maybe she can begin moving on with her life. Please, please say a prayer for her. Please pray for strength for her, and my family. Thank you for being such good friends to her, and listening to her. At least she had you listening to her and getting to know how she was really feeling, when I put up a blind eye to her emotions. Thank you.

Ken...
I am sitting here, my eyes full of tears......thinking to myself.....what what what do I write to this man? I am so deeply and painfully sorry for this hell that is happening to Amber, you and your children. I just cannot believe this! Ken, none of us knew that he would do this again....but you're right...we should have taken her fears more seriously. Oh my god, I just dont know what to say right now. I can only imagine the anger going through your body right now....and the fear and helplessness that is going through Ambers. Please Ken keep us posted here.....she has come to mean so very much to us. This is one of those times I wish to God this board would allow contact because I would pick up the phone and call you right now!
Ken, I hope to God they put this son of a ***** in jail for the rest of his life. People like him do not deserve to breathe air. I'm so so sorry it came to this...this is going to be so hard for your family to get through. Ken, we will be here for you and Amber every step of the way.
Ken, until you can care for Amber and see her...just take good care of your kids....and be there for them. That's what she would want right now. This is an insane way for this situation to come to a climax, I just hope to God, that this creep will be out of your lives now for good. Oh my god, but what a horrible price to pay.....Ken I'm so sorry. Right now...I know it's only natural, you will feel as you do....that you should have done more, any husband would. But you cant change what's happened, so make it your mission now Ken to see this guy punished....and to make Amber feel safe again.
I'm so sorry Ken, words just are not adequate for this.....

((((((hugs to you, Amber and your kids)))))))))
Love, Caroline xo

Ken, OMG! I hope they finally nail him. I spent so much time here trying to convince her that he wasn't a threat for her own mental health! Ken, what could you have done, you had to go to work. I am so sorry.

Sannah, I am so happy to see you here right now.....I feel sick for what's happened to Amber......it does not feel real.....but I know it is.

Carsam, I know, this whole scenario has always been so crazy and bizarre.

I wish I could get in my car....and go and see her......and give her a hug.......

Yeah, she has always needed our support in person. I am glad that she is in the hospital, though and that maybe finally her nightmare will end.

I hope so Sannah....her soul needs some peace......
Ken said that "Amber has this light around her, and attracts people from every walk in life".....I saw that about her too....I think alot of us did. I hope and pray they can now be free of this "man"...and I call him that loosely,....and that she can begin to heal....god bless them!

It really is something how amber made us all feel that she was so special..something kept drawing me back to her posts and kens post. Ken, i will pray for all of you, please take care of her and keep us posted.:angel:

This afternoon, a warrant was issued for James, for questioning. At 5:30 tonight, he was found down the road; at Amber's uncle's house. He was taken into custody, not for yesterdays horrible act, but for other reasons that I am not currently aware of. Hopefully on Monday, more charges will be filed.
At 6:45 I was able to see Amber. She looks so sickly right now. She won't talk, she's not eating, she's still not sleeping, but just laying there, curled in fetal position. I whispered in her ear that James was arrested, and that she was going to be okay, but she didn't show any form of reaction. Maybe she just doesn't believe it? The psychiatrist at the hospital said to give her another day or two, and see if she comes around more, that maybe the shock will begin to wear off some. She said that her body has endured a lot of trauma these last few weeks, that it's going to probably take her a long time to feel anything that even resembles a good feeling. He has taken what ever spirit she had left in her. He has taken that from her, and he has taken that from my kids and myself and everyone who knows and loves her. I see her now, and I don't know if she'll ever get it back. She knew. She knew in her heart that this was going to happen. She tried to prepare herself, and she tried to protect herself, but she knew. She tried to avoid him, she tried to avoid any type of possibility of running into him. And I can almost guarantee that if there is one thing that she is happy about right now, is that it happened to her, and no one else. I didn't trust him, but I should have trusted Amber and her instincts more. I said I wouldn't put it past him, but honestly, I didn't think that it actually would happen again. At times, I thought she was just being paranoid. I'm sitting in my home, and my skin feels like it's crawling, knowing what took place here yesterday. I want to wash and sanitize everything, I want my kids and our friend out of here; I want out of here. It doesn't feel like a home to me now. It really has a negative energy about it now; and it's really a horrible place. I wonder if Amber will be able to come home? How is she going to feel coming back home to face those memories? How is she going to do this? Is it ever going to be possible that she will enjoy living behind these walls again? It seems like a lot to ask of her.
I'm going to go back up in the morning again, and I might bring the laptop. You all have been so kind and gentle to her, maybe she'll reach out to you.
Thank you for your prayers.
Sincerely,
Ken

Hi Ken,
Thanks so much for coming here and taking time out of such a hellish situation and keeping us updated, I know you must be going out of your mind with worry for Amber.
They found him at Amber's uncles house? What is this? Does her family not know this mans details? This baffles me! I guess that's another story. I wonder why he's been arrested...I hope to God, that this is the end of the line for this jerk...that he can never hurt Amber again...
Ken, I would be shocked if she appeared anything other than how she does. She has been through an unspeakable horror yesterday....her emotions are "raw". This will take time. Just be patient, give her that time....I'm sure her state of mind is the most fragile right now.
I can understand completely what you are saying about your house....it's hard to tell right now if you'll both be able to continue living there....I probably would want to move....but right now....just sit tight and concentrate on taking one day at a time. You have alot on your plate too Ken....you have your kids...how are things working out? Do you have physical help down there? Is your friend able to stay awhile and watch the kids while you help Amber? I wish I could help more.....
I will be watching the board on and off all day and will be looking for a post from you or even Amber......if not today...when she's ready we will be here for her.
God bless you all! Please give her my love....
Caroline

Ken, thanks for taking the time to update us. Amber was the last thing that I thought of last night before falling asleep. Ken, don't beat yourself up so much. What more could you have done? Maybe this will be what will finally make this nightmare begin to finally end.

that's why it's very important that ANYONE who comes to write on this board should be taken EXTREMELY SERIOUSLY!!! it's easy to hear someone speak of the same thing over and over again, and start to sort of tune things out...it happens to all of us (in real life and here) no matter who we are. it happened to me (especially in real life). it still does. that's why we turn to god, to others, to strangers, to therapists, to psychiatrists, to medications--because we CAN'T ENDURE IT anymore...

but because of the everyday responsibilities, we try to go on, try to function in this life, like anybody in the world would. we need to keep up the strength, for our kids--we say, or for our families--we say, or for the world--we say.... until it becomes too damn late. sometimes nothing in the whole world works until the root of the cancer (your word, caroline) is removed. and for amber, even if that root will be removed and she will be told she will be safe, it will take many years for her to realize it and accept it, because that fear is so embedded in her, it's become a part of her...

people with depression and a traumatized past have a double whammy against them. i know about my clinical depression and how horribly my abbys and darkenss oftentimes feels--as if there's no way out of it. but--i can only imagine what someone like amber is feeling. i'm imagining going through my worst hell and nightmares, and multiply those by about 500%.

so, this should be a lesson for all of us who reach out and respond to others on these boards.

dear caroline--you're surprised they found him at amber's uncle's house?! you must remember that she told all of us that he is friends with her father, and with her family!!! he was their "dealer" before, when she was younger, and he was a nasty pervert to her while her parents knew everything about it. she even said it before, that they're still "friends" now.

what i'm surpirsed at is at how young she is. didn't realize she's only 27. God bless her, and her family.

Dakota, we were only trying to help. If we would have been just as fearful as she was what good would it have done? The only thing that would have made a difference here would have been if she would have gotten a gun and a lot of people, which I believe includes Amber, do not want to go here. They tried everything legally possible. Amber did not want to move. What else could have been done?

Yes Dakota I did remember some history....I'm sorry. I was very upset to hear this about Amber yesterday and I guess I mixed up some of the details. I've done nothing but watch this board constantly since I read it. My first thought was that he would be at her familiy's house right after he did this...? I guess her family is just as bad..

hi sannah,

please know that i wasn't speaking about you at all when i wrote that. i was even talking out loud to myself!!!! i'm sorry you took it that way. really, i am. i'd never say that to you, of all people. you've been trying to help, i know. in fact you were one of the few people who first started to talk to amber about her issues, and you've been there as a constant. i did not mean this toward you, sannah, as God is my witness!!! and i didn't mean it towards her family either. i meant it towards all of us, and towards MYSELF too. i'm sorry for insulting anyone.

yes, caroline--amber has nothing to do with her own extended family.

everything that's been happening here is really, really sad. i understand how you must feel. i know you've got a big heart, C!!!!

i just never thought that he had the guts to go up to the house, that's all...guess i was thinking like ken. jeez!!!!

just hope he'll be held in on something--any charges whatsoever. he's been getting away with doing way too much harm to people (who knows if it was only amber he traumatized and caused deep anxiety, depression and nightmares to?????) he definitely has personality issues--those who do have them (esp. antisocial--before these were called sociopathic) are the hardest to spot, and some are very, very shrewed, like i said before..and what's scariest of all, is that they seem very normal....

i meant it towards all of us, and towards MYSELF too. i'm sorry for insulting anyone.

Dakota, I don't think that I was insulted? Anyway, what do you mean "all of us and yourself". What else should we have done?

Dakota, I don't think that I was insulted? Anyway, what do you mean "all of us and yourself". What else should we have done?

dear sannah,
this is a very tough and emotional situation. i guess it brought up issues for ME. especially about how I'M/MY situation is now (after all these years) being treated/looked at my my family (mom and sis--cuz that's all i have, and even the few friends i have--with one exception), and how they seem much more nonchalant now than before....as the years passed, my "problem" became more "whatever!" in their minds. maybe they don't know what to say anymore. fact is my sis told me she doesn't know what to tell me anymore, bless her heart. so i tell her, it's not necessary for her to tell me anything. it's ok. but it sort of bothers me a little (a lot, actually ) that my mom doesn't even ASK me anymore about this. i meant AT ALL, sannah. you know when we have those two min. conv. every night when she calls?--all she asks me is if i'm home and ok. or if i have a headache. that's it. last night, she asked me a different question, about work--guess my sis told her about my troubles there (since i never did--what's the use anyhow?), but i told her i was too tired to talk, and she left it at that. i know you would say, why should i want my mother to ask me how i feel, other than than that i have a headache or if i'm ok and i'm home.... but dammit, there's more to my life than just getting home ok and having headaches.

i was thinking that for us depressed and anxious people, when we're dealing with this for years and years, the people closest to us (at least to me), become so used to it, that they either believe i'm "crazy"---but able to function, or since they see that I AM able to function in day-to-day life, they sort of "let it go" as if the prob. is not there anymore. i don't want validation from my mom, i just would like her to take a bit more interest in my REAL feelings, once in a while, that's all. but, she gives EVERYTHING she's got to my dad's wellbeing. I'M NOT BITTER about it sannah, i really am not, bec. he's really very, very sick and not doing well at all.... i don't know what i expect. i guess that's why we have counselors and shrinks, eh? i guess it all comes down to just being listend to by someone "close" to me. you guys have become close, and like family, but, i wish (and "wishin' ain't gettin') that my real family would be like you guys.

sannah, in amber's case, i told you, i don't think YOU could've done anything more. i see how you all tried to allay her fears, at least a little, because it may have made her feel stronger. i was thinking we never really get to know other people much, no matter how hard we try (and we all try very hard on this board, AND in real life, i know that!!!!!!); heck, we don't get to know our SO's long after we've spend time with them. it may also have been another case of me projecting my feelings about the people in my life onto the board, and i'm sorry. maybe I want to be taken more seriously by those around me!!!!! i'm sorry!

Ken, dont beat yourself up. take care of amber give her time she needs therapy and probably some meds to get over this. that son of a ***** should rot in hell..believe me he will rot in hell. knowing that should keep you going. move forward now do what you need to do. dont focus on what you cant change.

Dakota, I am so glad that you explained yourself! Now I totally understand where you are coming from! No need to apoligize, I just needed to speak up and you just needed to explain more, which is what happened. I do hear what you are saying about your mom. In reality, however, she has never been tuned into your feelings and for some reason I don't think that she is capable. But I can still see that need that you have. Sounds pretty natural to me. I have had to learn to live without this from my mother too. Did I ever tell you the carrot story? My husband and I actually make a joke about it now. My mom cannot remember that I don't like cooked carrots. It's like she doesn't have a memory stick in her brain for me. So whenever we are all together and if we touch on this subject either me or my husband will say that I don't like cooked carrots and my mom will say everytime "I didn't know that". She remembers what everyone else likes and dislikes except me. Maybe because I haven't lived near her in 20 years and everyone else has so she sees them more, but for heavens sakes!

If this is what it takes for you to get your feelings out keep doing it! If I misunderstand you, you know I won't let it slide so you will always get the chance to explain yourself better!

thanks for understanding sannah. i know you won't let anything slide!!!!
and, i'm thankful!!! besides, in this way, i'm learning to express myself better as well!

Isn't it amazing what drugs can do to people? Caroline, her family has remained friends with him and her dad throughout the years.
My two oldest kids are doing okay. I haven't told them what has happened, but explained that mommy wasn't feeling good, and was being taken care of by the doctors. Our son, is really having a hard time with out her. He's adores his mom, and no one comes close. On top, he's used to nursing still, so he's having a hard time relaxing. Our friend is leaving tomorrow. Thank you for asking.
Dakota_Skye, Amber is young in years, but has always been so much more mature. I am 42, and sometimes I forget that I'm older than her. At 14 years, she made the decision that the lifestyle that her parents were living was wrong, and made the decision to move out and take on the world. At 14! And she did a good job. She was working, going to school, and paying for her apartment with her room mate. She finished school, and now at 27 owns two businesses-one non-profit. For the life that she has lived, I have to say I don't think many people would have made it. But she has, and I pray that she will get that fighting spirit back.
Sanah, you were there for her. You all were there for her. She felt safe to be herself here. I'm not big into the whole internet thing, and I thought it was weird that she was coming here so much. I thought it might even be risky. But now I understand. It is probably all of you, that has helped her hold herself together for this long. You listen to her, and you let her open up. She doesn't open up very often, so the fact that she feels she can come here and open up is amazing. All of you really are special to her.
Amber has an IV in, and is getting nutrients through that. Once she starts eating and drinking again, she will probably be discharged. The psychiatrist is going to be in again today, so hopefully she can work with her. I'm going to leave the laptop with her for a while, maybe she'll use it. Thank you to all of you.
Ken

I'm wondering if you think bringing the kids up to see her would help? Maybe it will remind her of why she is fighting, and why she needs to keep fighting. Or maybe just the baby? He needs to see his mom. I know she needs to see him. Of course the other kids as well, but I think there is no relationship stronger than a mom and her nursing baby. Do you think this would be a good idea, or should I avoid this for now?
Thanks

Dakota_Skye, Amber is young in years, but has always been so much more mature

hi ken,

this is exactly why i thought she is older--just because she seems sooo much more mature than her age!!!! very, very mature. and now i understand why. she had to care for herself from such a young age. and you're so right, ken--i don't believe anybody would've accomplished as much as she did, given all she's been through. heck, some of us don't get to accomplish as much, and we've not even gone through half the things she's gone through.

i know one thing ken, and that is amber is a fighter and a survivor. and i know SHE WILL MAKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

blessings to you all.!

i'm 36, but i don't have kids. so, i don't know what to say about bringing the kids over to her. i think she is in too much of a precarious condition right now. is she able to sleep????? if she is, i don't think (just my opinion, and like i said, i don't know much about kids), it's good for the kids to see mom with all those wires/ IV's stuck into her arm...

on the other hand, if you ask HER what she wants, and how she would feel about it--it should be her choice, ken!!! if she feels up to it. if she wants to see the kids; if seeing them would make her feel better....

and AMBER--if you read this--know WE LOVE YOU VERY, VERY MUCH, and WE THINK ABOUT YOU A LOT!!!!! :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel:

sannah, what do YOU think??

Hi Ken,
Thanks for your message. Yes, I'm sorry, I do recall Amber talking about her family and their relationship with this man. My apologies, I was just so upset about it yesterday when I posted, I forgot these details. Maybe because in my mind it is so horrific that any family could do this....but you're right....it is obviously the drugs...and I respect Amber so much for wanting a better life for herself. But these people for some reason just keep trying to drag her back, it's so unfair. Thank God she has you and her children.
I agree with Dakota, to see the kids, it should be HER decision. I know they need to see her, but Ken, they will be okay. Even your son...who I'm sure is having difficulty not being able to nurse....but nothing will happen to him. He will be okay. If Amber is not ready...she will have to summon courage that she doesnt have to put a "face on" for those kids...she will not want them to worry about her. I know that's how I would feel for my son. So I would advise yes, ask her and see what she says. If she wants to see them, it would be great. If not, that's okay....when she's ready, I know she'll reach out for them.
Please give her my love...and I hope to God she reads this and knows how much she matters to everyone.

Love, Caroline xo

Dakota, I think that you are right, ask Amber. I have a gut feeling, however, that Amber just needs to rest....

Ken, we knew that Amber was amazing because we felt it, but now you have filled in the blanks and we understand why we were feeling this way. I would love to give her parents an earful. How could anyone not protect their daughter? They should be fully ashamed of themselves. This also testifies to what a wonderful person that Amber is. She is a wonderful person, mother and wife and she certainly had no role models for this. It came from inside of her, from inside of someone who wasn't cared for and who was abused. She is such a beautiful person and now I am so glad to hear that she has such a loving husband like you.

I'm sorry I didn't post an update last night. I spent most of the day with Amber. It was an exhausting day.
She still is not well at all. I figured things would be starting to look up by now, especially now that James has been arrested, but we are so far down that I don't see how we are going to get back up. It's as if she's on life support. The machines are keeping her alive right now. She's still not eating, or drinking. She won't talk with anyone. She's so angry with everyone. She's angry with life.
Yesterday she came down with a fever that would not come down. Some blood work was done and the doctors recommended her to have an exam done to check for vaginal infection. When it came time for this exam, she began to kick and scream, and thrash her body and called us all names. They stopped, and decided that it wasn't worth it right now, but if the fever didn't go away by today, they would give her a medication that would make her not remember anything about the exam, and will make her really relaxed right before.
The psychiatrist came in shortly after this fight with her, and tried to calm her down. She spent the next half hour trying, but Amber eventually wore herself out, and fell asleep for a short time. When she went to sleep, I left for home.
When I arrived back at the hospital, she had ripped the IV out of her arm and was in the shower. She was in the shower for nearly two hours,literally scrubbing herself the entire time, and refused to come out. When the doctor made her come out, so another IV could be put in, she had cut her arms up. She cried about how dirty she was, that it wasn't coming off, and she had to get clean.
The psychiatrist said that this is a normal behavior for rape victoms. She is going to try and talk to her some more today, and if Amber still won't talk, she'll do what she described as a medically induced hypnosis session. She says that it seems there is more missing from the puzzle here, that she either isn't comfortable talking about yet, or has already repressed, and that the hypnosis will help bring out the rest, and hopefully prevent her from repressing the emotions and not deal with them.
I'm hoping to find out more about James today. I'm going to leave the laptop with her again, I don't know if she'll use it, but it'll be there if she wants it.
Ken

Ken, please do not apologize....your first priority obviously is Amber and your children.
Ken, I do not pretend to be able to give advice on this, because I'm totally ignorant of this type of pain....but I would think that Amber's behaviour is completely normal right now, as the doctors say. All these feelings have been locked up in her for so long...and this "event" has unleashed them. Her exhaustion, her worries, her fears....all together are coming out at once. These feelings didnt come to her overnight...and they will take time. God bless her, I know this is something that will never truly be gone for her. But I'm hoping in time...that same strong woman can reappear with enough love and support from her friends and family. She sounds very fragile right now. I guess you have to take cues from her and from her doctors. If nothing else, she's in the best place possible right now. In the meantime, how are you coping Ken with the kids? I think you said your friend was leaving today. I hope and pray you have someone nearby who can help. I wish I was in the position to offer to help....I would be at your door in a flash!!!!
We can just listen Ken....we are here for both of you, okay?

AMBER Hon....if you read this......WE LOVE YOU!!!! We're praying for you....I hope you can feel all of us here, and how much you matter to us!!!!!

Caroline :angel: :angel: :angel:

Ken, I am so sorry that you all have to go through this. Amber is very strong and such a determined woman. She will pull through this. It sounds like she is in very good hands at this hospital and I am so happy for this. That creep better get what he deserves.....

To all on this topic:

I saw this very large thread, and passed it up b/c I thought a lot of people were reconnecting... since I haven't been here but a short time, I thought I'd just let people get together and talk.


MY GOD!! I had NO IDEA Amber was going through hell!
I finally read the pages on this thread and I'm sitting here crying.

She has a beautiful family-meaning her husband and children.
I will keep Amber and Ken and the children in prayer.

It makes me sooo angry that wackos like her attacker just keep roaming around until they do more harm to someone. Makes no sense.

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened and I want Amber to get well soon.
She's very loved and she really does touch one's heart.

Hi Jujubeez,
I know it's awful reading this post...you are doing the same thing as I was when I read it first....the tears were streaming down my face. We all come here with a past....and we hear what people have suffered in it. But to almost practically be "around" when something like this happens is awful...and effects all of us here.
As you say, she is very loved. And we are all here for her and her family....and in that respect, we are all here for each other!!

Best wishes,
Carsam:angel:

Hi Jujubeez,
I know it's awful reading this post...you are doing the same thing as I was when I read it first....the tears were streaming down my face. We all come here with a past....and we hear what people have suffered in it. But to almost practically be "around" when something like this happens is awful...and effects all of us here.
As you say, she is very loved. And we are all here for her and her family....and in that respect, we are all here for each other!!

Best wishes,
Carsam:angel:

Cars,

Wow ... It is soooo overwhelming.

Amber is a sweetheart... I remember reading her carnival post. I hated that she felt the way she did; not being able to enjoy a decent, family outing w/o the fear of that ******* roaming around. I wanted that guy to get his butt beat royally.

But you have to do things the right way -- I hope he gets 10 consecutive life terms!
That guy has no business walking around freely --EVER!

Cars, I guess that's why we're here: if we can help someone in any way possible, that's what we are to do. That's what a family -- including a cyber family -- would do.

Amber just got done with her "sedated hypnosis" session with the psychiatrist, and now they are going to attempt the exam while she is still under partial sedation.
The details that were discussed are pretty graphic, and I am really not feeling up to posting about it now, I think I'll let Amber post what she is comfortable posting about, when she is ready. The thing that pisses me off more than anything, is that our son was in the swing in the same room that this took place, and she was forced to look at him while this all took place. Comments were made about how beautiful our girls were, and some other off the wall remarks regarding them. No ****ing wonder she is having such a hard time!
I did find out James' real name today, and he is still being held on other charges till his court date on the 21st. Hopefully the seminal sample results found on her clothes will be back, they said 3-5 days. Todays "sedated" exam will also be reported to the investigation.
Please pray that we can keep this ******* off the streets, and that he will not be released on Thursday.
Ken

OMG Ken, what a nightmare. I cannot believe that she never spoke about it on Friday. She must have really been in shock. There is no way that that %*#* can get away with it this time.

Hi Sannah,
Remember, Friday she had the adverse reaction to the medication. Now we are not sure if she took the ativan before or after the attack, but I think if it were after, she probably would have taken more of it.

Amber just got done with her "sedated hypnosis" session with the psychiatrist, and now they are going to attempt the exam while she is still under partial sedation.
The details that were discussed are pretty graphic, and I am really not feeling up to posting about it now, I think I'll let Amber post what she is comfortable posting about, when she is ready. The thing that pisses me off more than anything, is that our son was in the swing in the same room that this took place, and she was forced to look at him while this all took place. Comments were made about how beautiful our girls were, and some other off the wall remarks regarding them. No ****ing wonder she is having such a hard time!
I did find out James' real name today, and he is still being held on other charges till his court date on the 21st. Hopefully the seminal sample results found on her clothes will be back, they said 3-5 days. Todays "sedated" exam will also be reported to the investigation.
Please pray that we can keep this ******* off the streets, and that he will not be released on Thursday.
Ken

Comments were made about how beautiful our girls were, and some other off the wall remaks regarding them

Now I would have to take as a direct threat to my family, seeing that sucker is a perv.

Ken, have you ever considered taking CCW classes?

JuJuBeez725,
What are CCW classes?
Ken

Ken......I admire you. You are keeping your cool right now for your wife, because after what I just read...about your son being in the room, and the comment about your daughters...Ken....you must want to rip him apart even more. I know my husband would do it....but it takes great strength Ken to keep it together for your wife and kids....
From what I know of Amber....this probably is what is getting her right now, is that her son was in the room...and fear for her daughters. She's like a lioness with cubs, with her children.....
They have to put this man away....they have to! This man deserves to rot!!! And I know Ken in my heart he will be punished one day in hell way more than any jail will do to him!!! He will deserve every bit of it.

God bless you all....I'm so sorry....
Caroline xo

that our son was in the swing in the same room that this took place, and she was forced to look at him while this all took place. Comments were made about how beautiful our girls were, and some other off the wall remarks regarding them

jesus, ken. no wonder she's still in deep shock, and can't talk unless under hypnosis and partial sedation. no wonder she had that episode where she scrubbed herself for two hours in the shower, then cut up her arms when the drs. tried to put another IV in. she is still tormented inside. she needs some pretty heavy psychological counseling and medications right now, to stabilize her. i'm scared she is in danger for her life. THANK GOD SHE IS THE HOSPITAL!!!! AND THANK GOD EVEN MORE, that that BA-T-RD is in jail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH THIS. if ANY justice exists in this world, he will not get away with this!!!!!

Caroline, I have to hold it together. Amber always said we had to deal with it in the right way, by walking away and letting the legal system take care of it. I'm not holding it together by my choice. I'm holding it together because I have to. My kids don't have their mom to rely on right now, I have to hold it together so they can rely on me still. Had he have touched my kids, not anyone, including Amber would have been able to stop me. His saving grace right now is that the legal system has finally taken her side, and is starting to put all the peices together. Hopefully they will look at all the years, and the reports, and the denied restraining orders from all over the place, and maybe he'll really get what he deserves. It's sort of one of those "I'll see it when I believe it" type deals, but we're closer to getting him put away than we ever have.
And your right, I have no doubt that this is probably what she is struggling with most. No doubt at all. She would do anything for these kids, so for her to be completely helpless and unable to protect them, probably was the hardest thing for her.

Fixing-"I'll believe it when I see it".

JuJuBeez725,
What are CCW classes?
Ken

i believe they are classess for firearms safety and to carry a concealed weapon. i think these are legal and offer people permits after they finish the classes. it's for protection from intruders and others who may be a constant danger to one's wellbeing. i know the option to take such classes depends from state to state.

Ken you have to hold it all together for her..god bless you and give you the strength to do it.. if we could, all of us girls would be there to help you. this guy is in prison now. right? i hope he suffers horribly like hes never suffered before. :mad:

I would love to give her parents an earful. How could anyone not protect their daughter? They should be fully ashamed of themselves.

dear sannah, "an earful" is an understatement--for me, that is!! they should not only be ashamed of themselves, they should be in jail too, if you asked me my honest opinion!!!!!!!!!!! to see their child suffer so, and to let it go...like ImagineLenon said once, even cats go into burning buildings, to get their little kittens one by one, and they (the mother cats) come out all burned and damaged, and with an eye closed, and bleeding, and limping.... but, humans!!!!! God in heaven!

Doesnt it make you sick? if i had the man in front of me id shoot him and her parents..id die for my children. i just dont get it either.

You know Ken..the more I learn about Amber...the more I am amazed at the person she is. The fact that she escaped her family....lived through all what she's experienced including this "man"...and went on to be a loving wife and mother of 3 children. Her spirit is great!!! It is so very strong...and I think she has toughed it out this long for her family, you and her children. But the one thread that held her together is what could be breaking her right now....you know as much damage as "he" just did to her.....it was the fact that he was close enough to harm her children that is going to be her biggest struggle to deal with. Right now she's not even near that point. As everyone say, thank God she's in the hospital where she can be monitored. She is a fighter Ken...and I think this is her biggest battle yet. I pray she makes it through...it's going to be a long road for her. One day at a time....for you as well Ken. I hope to God you have someone there that can help you with your kids right now..while you are back and forth with Amber.

Take care Ken...
Caroline xo

Amber is finally resting. She was still groggy from the sedation, so maybe she'll sleep longer than 15 minutes. They were able to do her exam while she was still under sedation, we're just waiting for the results. Her fever has remained steady around 103, but she's been on some antibiotics since yesterday, so hopefully it will break.
Dakota_Skye, I agree with you. At this time, I do also fear for her life. I think something terrible would probably happen if she were home. She's really having a hard time coming around this time. Her body is there, but she's not there. Does that make sense?
Caroline, You're right also. Amber lived for these kids. She feels that she should always, and I mean always be there to protect them. Anytime our five year old has issues, she blames herself, because she let the doctor that messed up, do the surgery. But I was there too, and we had no idea that he would screw up. No one did. And we had no idea that he would screw up all the other times, but she takes it to heart, that she didn't do the research and protect her. Everytime her stomach hurts, or she feels sick, Amber just gets this look of sadness and guilt over her, but she tries to remai strong, and remains by Sierra's side. When our two year old was born nine weeks early, she questioned every move that she made during the pregnancy, trying to figure out where she went wrong. With our son, she knew there was nothing she could do to prevent his early birth, and did much better. I think the hard part about this is, that as everyone says, she knew this was going to happen. She knew, and other than moving, which God only knows would have only slowed the process down some, she couldn't stop it. It makes me sick to think about her, a gun to her head, looking at our son, while he did this, trying not to scream so our daughters wouldn't wake up and come out. I think by not screaming, she probably did protect them, more than she knows. I just hope she realizes that she did what she could to protect them; but I know she doesn't feel that way. God, what would have happened if one of the girls would have come out of their room? It makes me sick. Literally sick.
Today, the doctor mentioned doing a blood pregnancy test in a few days, to check the Hcg levels. (Is that right?) My GOD, I hadn't even thought about that possibility. I pray to god, that this isn't the case. We always talked about how if she got pregnant when we were not ready or expecting to get pregnant, we could never terminate it, and would just make the best out of it, and would love it just as we love the kids that we planned. But to hear the word pregnancy, coming from this situation, I think we would really have to reconsider that idea. God, Please don't let her carry his baby.
The DNA results are back, and I will be given the official results tomorrow.
Lots of prayers are needed right now. I know you all have been praying for her already, but please, don't stop.
Thank you.
Ken
And Caroline, Our friend had to leave this morning. I'm trying to get someone else out here, either some of my family, or some friends.

Hi Ken...
Thank God Amber is finally getting some rest. I hope she rests for along while.
Ken, forgive me, did you say he had a gun to her head as well? Did I miss that part? I looked back through the posts in case I missed something. How much worse can this experience get? Except for what you said at the end about a pregnancy test. Ken....I know it's hard....but try not to think about this....life has already been so cruel to Amber and your family.....you guys can not take another blow. Just put in the back of your mind.....let them do it...get the negative results and then just dont think about it again. I hope and pray this is the way it goes.
Yes, we all know when this was happening she was thinking of her kids...and you are right on when you say by being quiet even in this moment of crisis, she still thought of her kids. She is truly remarkable. She did that for them. And after, she crumbled. I've rarely known such strength. But it's time now for her to be protected. I am praying for all her test results to be positive, and that there are no further complications for her. I hope they will let her stay awhile in the hospital. I dont know too much about these kinds of issues, but I would hope that they can see it's too early for her to go home...especially when this event happened there. She's not ready.
I cant recall Ken if Amber talked much about your family. You mentioned them at the end of your post. Are they able to help? You need some support Ken...how are the kids doing? God bless them, they must miss mommy so much.
Of course Ken, we will keep praying for all of you. I'm sure this is so hard for you too Ken...we are here for you ANY time you need to talk as well.

Caroline :angel: :angel:

Hi Caroline,
In her session this morning, she mentioned a gun several times. When the psychiatrist asked her what he did with the gun, she just pointed to her head. The whole session was very disturbing, even for the doctor. The whole session was recorded and will be submitted to the investigators. I realize that a pregnancy should not be a big concern at this point, but it hit me off guard, because I hadn't even thought about that possibility. I can't imagine how Amber will cope with this, if it turned out positive.
My family is spread out all over the place, but I do have some in California who might be able to come out. Amber has a lot of good friends back home, who might be able to also.
Thank you for your thoughts and concern, Caroline.
Ken

Ken, were you in the session? Did you see this? Either way, how heartwrenching for you also to hear of this...I'm sorry, I hate to keep saying the same thing over and over....but this is so wrong. She just sounds so fragile. Do you think they will release her if there is no infection? I can not imagine that right now. And I know Ken, I did not mean to gloss over it, forgive me, I know once that thought of a "pregnancy" is put in your mind...how can you not think about it? In your mind, you're probably dont have alot of faith right now that this couldnt possibly happen, and I wouldnt blame you. This is all so awful. I honestly dont know how you are coping Ken.....I just hope your family or Ambers friends come out...you need people around you. Even being in your home right now is painful for you. Right now...I really think in your situation...you can only take things one day at a time....every day puts some distance between Amber and this event. And that way physically at least maybe she can heal. Emotionally she has a long road. When she's ready....and I know that wont be for awhile, maybe she could speak with Barbara.
Ken, I will be around all night if you feel like talking.....and if not, that's okay, maybe try to get some rest when your kids go to sleep. You need it.

As always, you will all be in my prayers tonight...

Caroline:angel: :angel:

My GOD, I hadn't even thought about that possibility. I pray to god, that this isn't the case. We always talked about how if she got pregnant when we were not ready or expecting to get pregnant, we could never terminate it, and would just make the best out of it, and would love it just as we love the kids that we planned. But to hear the word pregnancy, coming from this situation, I think we would really have to reconsider that idea. God, Please don't let her carry his baby.

In her session this morning, she mentioned a gun several times. When the psychiatrist asked her what he did with the gun, she just pointed to her head. The whole session was very disturbing, even for the doctor.

hi ken--about the possibility of pregnancy, may God forgive me, since i'm trying my hardest to be faithful and to do good, and i know i'm not a saint, BUT, this pregnancy (if we assume tests will be positive) that she was forced into will only add to her very, very precarious mental state!!! you were talking getting preg. between you and her, ken.... not between her and this, this, this inhuman!!!!!! either God will not let this happen, or, it may have to one of those times when us humans will have to take our lives into our own hands and while still hope for god's blessings, do what is best for us...for the mother that is!! finish. end it.

dear caroline...if that session was disturbing even for the doctor, they will definitely NOT release amber, even if the infection is over!!!! the woman is very ill, and not only physically. this infection, although a problem, is perhaps the least of her troubles at this point. this is my view on how those drs. might be thinking about her case, anyway.....

prayers to god for alll of you tonight! ~:angel: :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel:

Ken when will we find out what happens to this mother****?

Hi Caroline, thank you for your willingness to listen. The kids have kept me quite busy tonight, so I haven't been on the computer much.
No, I was not in the room with her. I was on the outside of the window watching though, and did listen to some of the recorded tape with the doctor, but she stopped it before the recording ended, and that's where she said that I "really don't want to hear the rest, because it's quite graphic and disturbing". Since she is still not eating they will not release her. And I'm assuming that after the episode with the shower, and the cutting, and ripping out the IV, that it will more than likely add some time to her stay. She has to at least be able/willing to function somewhat before they will let her go. Right now, she is so far from that point. It's been almost four days since she last took anything by mouth. It seems she just has no desire. She has to start working through this, though. She has to. I don't want to push her, but what amount of time is considered healthy for her to start processing it? We have kids that need their mom, so much. I need my wife. It just feels like she's given up. Like that spark finally went out. And I'm not ready to face that yet. My kids are not ready to give that up. She has to come back to us. I look at her, and I question if she misses us. Does she miss the kids, and does she wonder how they are, and does she need us just as much as we need her? Does she even remember who we are? I'm sure all the answers are yes, but it really is horrible to see her this way. I find that I just want to shake her, shake it out of her. So, I've had to distance myself from there today. I may go into work tomorrow for a few hours after I go get the results from the DNA test, just to get a little break, but I'll see how the day starts out first, and how Amber is doing. If she begins talking, or eating, or anything, I want to be there.

Dakota_Skye, thank you for validating my thoughts on this. Amber always says that she could never abort a baby, but I really think that if this test turns out positive, she really has no choice. I know we would love the baby, but I can't imagine looking at the baby knowing that it wasn't made from love, but with a very violent start. Those are my feelings, I can't imagine the feelings Amber would have to live with every day. She needs to know that if things do come down to making that decision, that the decision she makes either way is not a "bad" decision, just a hard decision no matter which way she goes. With her in the shape she is in right now, I can't imagine a pregnancy would even remain viable, but who knows. Hopefully we won't have to worry about it though.
Jules3, he has court on Thursday for some other charges. I'm sure he's going to have to go to trial, and then it will probably be another wait before we find out what sentence he will get, but I'm not exactly sure if this is how it will go. I'm not too familiar with the whole legal processes on cases like this, so I really can't say when we'll know. The sooner the better.
I'll try and send an update in the morning with any new results or changes. Thanks again to all of you, everyone here is wonderful.
Ken

It's been almost four days since she last took anything by mouth. It seems she just has no desire. She has to start working through this, though. She has to. I don't want to push her, but what amount of time is considered healthy for her to start processing it? We have kids that need their mom, so much. I need my wife. It just feels like she's given up. Like that spark finally went out. And I'm not ready to face that yet. My kids are not ready to give that up. She has to come back to us. I look at her, and I question if she misses us. Does she miss the kids, and does she wonder how they are, and does she need us just as much as we need her? Does she even remember who we are? I'm sure all the answers are yes, but it really is horrible to see her this way. I find that I just want to shake her, shake it out of her. So, I've had to distance myself from there today. I may go into work tomorrow for a few hours after I go get the results from the DNA test, just to get a little break, but I'll see how the day starts out first, and how Amber is doing. If she begins talking, or eating, or anything, I want to be there.

Ken

ken--it's good you're venting your feelings here. very good in fact. everybody's been kind on here and i can see that. you need help and assistance too (those friends and family better come through for you!!!!). but, i need to say something to you on behalf of amber, now.
you say you don't want to push her and give her time to heal, yet in the same sentence you ask how much time is considered healthy for her to start healing! Ken--like Caroline said, or it may have been someone else, i can't remember-- Amber has been going though this literal hell for years now. that is a LONG time. she had a breakdown just four days ago. sometimes 4 days is nothing ken. as you know, time DOES heal some wounds (besides intensive psychotherapy and and probably some medications to keep her anxiety low), but time goes at its own pace, just as our own heartbeats go at their own pace; like our breaths go at their own pace.... yes--the kids need their mom; you need your wife. but right now, amber is more than a mom and a wife. amber is just herself and living only for herself. she can't give anymore than that at this point. let's let her start drinking and eating first, and let's not even think yet of letting her come home, because just yesterday you and i both agreed that if she were home, she may be endangering her life, ken.

ken--you're a great and wonderful husband, but this wife of yours is looked upon with favor and blessing from the one above....otherwise she would NOT have made it this far!!!!

and ken--i only wrote this NOT to make you feel bad (and please forgive me if i did), but i wrote it from my heart, and from amber's "shoes." that is, i ONLY tried to put myself in her shoes. it may or it may not be the way i said it, but at this point in time, it's her life we're talking about.

p.s. kids are strong and resilient. i'm concerned more about the nine month old. hopefully he can do well with a bottle and formula, now that he cannot nurse. like i said, i sincerely hope your friends and family would come over as soon as they can.
fondly,
dakota

Hi NVD. I don't know the whole story, but I've been on these boards for a few months and have sort of kept up. I just wanted to give you my best wishes and let you know that you all will be in my prayers.

Hi Ken

I'm not on these boards like everyone else is... I had to go back and read through and see what's occurred since I last posted... Man, am I waaaay behind.

Dakota is right: CCW is for Carrying a Concealed Weapon, and you can go to class for this, so that you may legally have a registered weapon to protect you and your family against intruders. The info for these classes vary from state to state.

A couple of years ago on the local news here, there was a husband and wife who owned a store in their neighborhood.
One day, the wife came home, and was opening the door when an intruder forced his way in and threatened to kill her if she made a sound.

Well, he came in the house with her, but she had her gun in her purse. She grabbed that gun and shot the guy dead in her home... just like that.

She didn't do a day in jail because it was a clear-cut case of self-defense, and the guy had a rap-sheet about a mile long, so he had that coming.


As for Amber, she needs time--exactly how much is not known. It all depends on the person, the amount of trauma she's suffered, and the length of time she's suffered it.
She's trying to survive second-by-second and the poor baby doesn't know much of anything else right now.

Ken, she needs time and there is no timetable available.
Yes, the children need her and you need her. But she needs time right now.
I like the way Dakota put it: she doesn't have anything to give at this point, but she needs to be given time. She'll come around.

You know, the mind is a quite wonderful and complex thing.
It will shut down to protect a person when things are far too much for them to process all at one time.
The person will have to process these things in steps, which takes time.

I will continue to pray for you and your family's health, well-being and for Amber's healing in her mind, body and spirit. So much love you all have for one another, it's beautiful to see, just by your posts, how you share it.

I'm definitely praying this beast stays in a cage from now on... even that's too good for him, IMO.

Hi Ken, glad that you are getting a lot of support here, especially from Carsam. You have said that Amber is your rock and the rock of the family. Amber cannot be a rock right now. She told us many times that she "carried" the family and that it was very hard on her. Ken, I want you to look deeply into how much YOU depend upon Amber and to please consider to lift this a bit for her own survival. I hope that this does not come across as harsh in your time of crisis here but I am saying this for Amber. Amber needs time to recuperate and she will if she is given the time and space to do so. I hope you understand what I am trying to say.

Hi Ken,
I think when you posted that you need your wife and that the kids need your mom.....you are scared. You are scared that you may not get her back...and maybe because you know how seriously fragile she is, you're frightened this may never happen. And so maybe in saying this, it's like a panic button. You know this is the worst she's been, and you're afraid she may not come back? Does that make sense? I'm not sure, it's just my take Ken. But Ken...as everyone says....you cannot put a time limit on how long this will take. Doing that means you are going to put pressure on both Amber and yourself. You can not afford that right now. Ken, even if this "event" had not happened, I believe Amber would need more time than this to put herself together...as she was so very burnt out from all her "other" worries. But after these past few days....Ken...I know it's hard for you, but all I can say is I think it is going to take...as long as it takes, you know? I know you miss her and want her back....but if you want "Amber" back...you have to allow time to find her. It doesnt sound like she's there right now...she's kind of gone off to a place, probably to numb out all this pain. Of course Ken...in her subconscious...she is always loving you and her kids.....and that is what will bring her back to you. What you can do right now for her Ken, is to care for your kids....and to be strong. Make sure you get that help from your family because you can not do it alone....look at Amber. It's too much. And although I believe in my heart, that Amber will come back from this, as long as she is given the time she needs. Tread softly with her Ken...she is very fragile. And for yourself, please reach out to your friends, come here when you need to talk. Draw strength from your children Ken...because as Dakota says they are very resilient. I know your little one is nursing...and it must be an upset for him, but he will be fine. Ken, I was not able to nurse my son, and he is perfectly fine....I know they need their mom...but more than that they need her to get through this....in the long run, it will only benefit them.

Thinking of you all,
Caroline:angel:

Ken, I am speechless. Usually I have much to say to support everyone on this board, but for you I am at a loss of words. I am so sick to my stomach and driven to tears that someone can do such a thing to another human being. I cannot even imagine what Amber is going through. I was molested 30yrs ago and I still feel dirty. I just can't imagine how she's feeling. I commend you greatly for being so strong. You are taking care of her, of your kids, and most importantly of yourself. Men usually keep their feelings inside, but you are coming here and confiding in us and letting us be here for you. This may seem like nothing, but in retrospect you will see that your willingness to talk about this is very key.

I have been and will continue to pray for your family.

-lilme

Morning everyone. It's been a very strange morning already, and several things have gone on.
I'm really not exactly sure what was said on the remaining part of the tape yesterday, but whatever was said, it was taken very seriously. About DAMN time. It happens that it was turned over immediately to the investigators, and last night a search warrant was granted for Amber's Dad, back home. This morning at 7:30 AM, he took his own life while the cops stood at his door. I just can't believe it. This is so damn crazy...It can't get any crazier, can it? I'm not sure how I feel about this. A sort of a relief, yet, sad that it came to this.
The DNA is a match. But we already knew that. I'm not exactly sure what happens next, or where we go from here.
The papsmear came back negative for infection, and her fever was at least reactive to the medicine this morning. They are going to do another sedated session in a bit. The psychiatrist wants her mind to remember what happened, and not block it out. As hurtful and painful as the event is, she said that she needs to keep processing it, other wise she may never come out of this. Until Amber starts talking, this will probably be done every few days to help keep her mind processing. I'm not sure how or when to tell her about her dad, I will see what the psychiatrist thinks before bringing it up.
Our church has stepped up, and has lined babysitters up for the next week, and has lined up dinner for the kids and I for the next two weeks, and a care taker to come be with Amber each day for the next few weeks when she gets home from the hospital. Some of Amber's friends will be here this coming weekend, so I think I will be okay.
It's been a crazy morning-I can't believe it's only 9:30!
Ken

Ken o my god. how is amber going to react to this? i cant believe all you guys are going thru. im speechless.

Hi Jules3,
Well, Honestly, I'm not sure how she is going to react. Really, while I don't think she's going to want to celebrate, I don't think she will be as heartbroken as you or I would be if it were one of our parents. It's just my opinion. I don't know though. She hasn't had a relationship with him for years, and I think she carried a lot of anger towards him. I know that even through all this, he is still her father, and there will probably be some type of emotional strand there still, but I don't know how much.
I'm really not sure though.
Ken

Ken,
I cannot believe this....this is getting more bizarre by the second. I have no clue how Amber will feel about her dad....but either way, it is ONE more thing for her to deal with. I dont know about everyone else, but I think she should not be told this right now. But my concern since I dont know exactly what happened, is why they would get a search warrant for his house? At first I was thinking they are looking for the gun or something....but now I am worried that maybe he played a part in what happened? Why else would be do that? Nothing about this is too extreme to think anymore. I just cant believe it, when you think how much more can happen to her and her family, something else happens. I dont feel the slightest bit sorry for her dad...the only thing I'm sorry about is that it is yet one more thing for Amber to process. She's had so many people end their lives in her lifetime. It just keeps happening. God forgive me but it's a pity "James" didnt do this before he came near her. I've never wished this on anyone...but I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking it.
How is she today? Is she still groggy? Talking? Thank God she has professionals right now to help her...they will know what's best for her. Although I'm sure they're quite in awe themselves hearing all this.
Thank God she has no infection....and I hope the other "test" comes back with the same "negative" result. It friggin' better!!!!!!
Bless the people in your church....this is what you need right now....these kind of people and her friends. I'm happy to hear you have some support now with the kids Ken...in the coming days or weeks as Amber gets stronger (I hope and pray) - this will mean alot to her.
I still keep thinking this is not real......

Hang in there Ken....there are alot of people who would have crumbled in your place right now...but you're holding on......if Amber can do it, so can you.

Caroline :angel:

Hi Caroline,
This is like a real live soap oprah. It just keeps getting crazier and crazier. I keep asking What next, but I'm learning to not ask that anymore. As far as her dad, I have no idea what triggered them to go to his house so quickly. The only thing that I can think of is because of Jame's relationship with him, and her dad's knowledge of it all. I just don't know. The portion of the tape that I heard, she only discussed James being there-part of me wishes I heard the rest, while another part of me isn't prepared for it. It all really is bizarre, I just can't believe how everything has unfolded in the last few days.

I've been reading... Don't know what to say. :( I don't know Amber... I'm relatively new here.

But, my thoughts and prayers are with her... With you and your kids. Definitely. I'm glad you're able to come here and get this all out... Hang in there... (((((Hugs)))) ~ Sly

Ken

I agree w/Cars that Amber should NOT be told anything about her lousy father.
Sorry I called him "lousy", but I believe, as Cars mentioned, he had plenty to do with all this.

First off, how the hell can a man be friends with a man that harmed his daughter like that? I mean, d***! Most men can't stand a fella droolin' around his daughter! They're subject to get a shotgun or somethin'!

They searched his house b/c the guy has been around the dad b/c they're buddies; and perhaps he's left his prints on something there... let's say a gun he used during the attack????? Maybe he used the dad's house to hide the weapon ?? I don't know; just wondering.
They're just making sure they have a solid case with no mishaps or technicalities to let the b****** off the hook.

I'm absolutely thrilled that your church stepped in and they're helping! That's what it's all about! I'm so happy ... at last, a little light.

And Caroline, I haven't been up there yet this morning. I talked to the nurse, and found out about the negative test, and that her fever had broke. She was looking at pictures on the lap top this morning, so maybe that's a start to something, I don't know. Her therapy session starts at 11:00, so I'll head up there after that. I will let the psychiatrist tell her the news of her dad when she feels Amber is ready.
Thanks again,
Ken

She was looking at pictures on the lap top this morning, so maybe that's a start to something, I don't know.

.....this brought tears to my eyes.......

I'm so sorry Ken.... I am so glad that you are getting the support from others that you so need right now at home. I am also so thankful that Amber is under such good care with these doctors....