So I am goign through one of these phases again. Energy phases. Wondering once again if maybe I am indeed bipolar or cyclothymic. At times I am sure because it explains so much, and how else to explain those highs and lows. At other times I am almost sure it's just all in my head, because if you look for a symptom, you will find it, right...?

Anyway... what I have been feeling the last few days (or did it actually start like a week ago? I don't remember)... it's exactly that thing again, that I think MIGHT be what is called hypomania. But I am not sure. So I am asking - can any of you relate, who have experienced it?

Earlier today I wrote down the symptoms in my journal, so I will refer to that and write them down here.

- Feeling hyper (a lot of the time)
- occasionally talking fast, but ONLY when I get into something. Not just like that. When I get excited about something. My dad told me yesterday I was talking like a waterfall. But after he said that I could sort of get myself together. And it's not like I talk all the time.
- feeling really good
- staying up later than usual, and yes especially over the last two or three days I have really felt like I needed less sleep. E.g. two nights ago I woke up several times and read for long stretches of the time (that's not that unusual for me though), and still the next day I was full of energy. Last night AND the night before I was still at the computer and realized it was past 11, at which time I am usually in bed with a book or the TV on. And I wasn't feeling much like going to sleep at all. I did though, anyway, because I am afraid of insomnia. I know how to make myself sleepy: Eating something, and reading. eating usually makes me tired. that's one reason why I like to eat only very little throughout the day.
- I have a new research thing I want to work on
- (I am a street musician) I get really HIGH while singing, able to sing out my songs aloud and really... ah, getting that stage feeling.
- today I was reading in the book I got for my "project" but my thoughts kept wandering off and I had to re-read paragraphs.
- feeling energuized, like wanting to bounce when I walk
- being able to do more without getting tired
- the need to analyze myself, to communicate my feelings...

OK, you get the point. It could be just an energy high. But usually these highs (maybe I have had them once or twice a year? Or maybe more? But then for years at a time, nothing.) are followed by a crash. (Oh I hope NOT this time!!)

Oh yeah, and I am for Prozac for OCD,a nd I just re-increased my dosage, maybe that's why I have the hyperness?

OK but then, the point where I start second-guessing myself: Why does the thought that this MAY in fact be hypomania make me feel even "higher"? Like that's what I want it to be.
Becuase it would explain a lot?
Or because it would make me feel special, to be able t feel these things?

But then, how do i know if it's not all in my head? And why does it come in phases like that?

Any insight appreciated. Very much.

Kathrin
(humbly, now)

I have to say, that sounds almost exactly like me when I go "manic". The only extra thing I get is semi-grandiose delusions: Stupid things like thinking I'm gonna go to drama school, or row for my uni, or become a stand up comedian, etc.etc. when I can't act, I'm ridiculously unfit, and the least funny person (well, most of the time. I'm feeling really good at the minute so my mind is really sharp and I'm being quite witty).

I was diagnosed with BP by a pdoc, who upon speaking to the other members of the mental health team who know me decided that it could be a wrong diagnosis, so I'm off to see the senior psychiatrist in a couple of weeks to find out what he says.

I don't know really - Sometimes I think I'm bipolar. But sometimes I just think that I have recurrent depression which hits me for a few months twice a year, and that I only think I feel great in between because it's so much better than feeling exceptionally low.

The other guys on these forums seem to be fairly experienced with the symptoms, so might be able to give you some advice. But you really need to speak to your pdoc, since they're the ones with the most knowledge on interpreting the diagnostic criteria.

It's sounds like hypomania but it is significant that you just increased your prozac dosage. Did you ever get these highs before you started antidepressants? I have unipolar depression and anxiety and my antidepressants make me a little manic (I think) but it is not something that happens twice a year. I have the high/low periods related to my cycle. Pre ovulation happy happy, almost too happy and post ovulation crabby crabby and irritable...BUT I am 45 years old and probably going through perimenopause. The twice a year thing is significant especially since it is followed by a down period. I would think you might have mild bipolar. Maybe you should mention it to your p doc?

Thanks for the input guys.

Yes this has happened before I started Prozac for OCD.

It is also like I am WAITING for it. Sometimes wishing I could feel it again. Listening inside of me. And when (especially after it hasn't happened for a long time) I feel it inside, I immediately kind of "grab on" to it. That's why I thought maybe it's just in my head. I feel SOMETHING, and that makes me DO more things, and maybe that's just a cycle I put into motion?

I went to sleep kind of late again last night, but I did sleep ok, and when I first woke up in the morning I still felt sleepy. That would speak against hypomania, right? Only after I had gotten up I felt the excitement inside, feeling the relief: "It is still here". Because I am afraid of crashing.

Another thought: Can stress bring on hypomania? I travel a lot, because I kind of live in two places. Regularly before a trip, I get so stressed that everything just goes fast fast fast. I have attributed it to the OCD breaking through, because I am afraid something might come up and I won't have the time to deal with it. Stress and anxiety. But now I wonder, because during those times sometimes my thoughts really RACE, I can't sit still, I need to stay active, I run from thing to thing packing more and more stuff into my days. But if it is triggered by an outside event, it's probably more like anxiety, right?

Anyway, thanks for the input.

Argh, I am sorry, you know. You see for yourself one of my so-called symptoms: The need to analyze myself.;)

Kathrin

p.s. I don't really have a pdoc anymore. After mine left, since my OCD was under control with the prozac, he suggested just having it prescribed by a general practitioner. I have been handling the doasge myself for years now, slowly going down. I mean REALLY slowly. Until a few weeks ago, because I felt the OCD was coming back a bit more.

Hi Kathrin74,
I would call your general doc to refer you or I called back of your insurance card this week to see a therapist and a psy if you decide you need it. I dont have BP but depression,stress and since a complete hysterectomy at 42 now I get panic attacks, anxiety and I feel ungrounded also I dont sleep good. and Hot flashes. I am on a hormone but it doesnt always help me with anxiety. So make an appointment, I am a little nervous, I make my 1st appointment to see a therapist and a psy if I need it. I am so used to taking care of my kids and not me. So be good to yourself.
Good Luck
Mslainie

Kathrin,

My husband travels a lot and is quite clearly Bipolar I. I don't know if stress/travel related stress can bring it on or not but I do know since my husband has been traveling a lot his symptoms are worse...something to think about. What you are describing sounds very mild but I like to see a real psychiatrist as opposed to a GP. Don't just go along with the p doc if you don't agree with him/her, try another and another until YOU feel comfortable, JMHO. HTH : )



Luvya,



Luckygem

Hey, thanks all for the replies.
I am unsure about the p'doc thing. Maybe I just want to know what I may be dealing with, and unless it gets worse, just deal with it on my own?

This is what I wrote in my online journal today:

"Sometimes I struggle with myself. And go through these phases of wanting to analyze myself, but what's the point? Sometimes I lose myself in an "identity" or an illusion (?) or a dream for a while, only to come crashing down again.
I really think that on top of the OCD I may also be cyclothymic (mild bipolar).
Well, SOMETIMES I think that. Right now I think that. Because I have been going through an energy phase again. Ah, the hgih. Having more energy, feeling hyper, getting excited about things, wanting to communicate more, talking more maybe. Staying up later, maybe sleeping less. And it feels GOOD. But then the thought: Maybe I am just doing this because I WANT to. (But then, why can't I always do it? But maybe just occasionally? And sometimes not for years at a time?)
And the fear of crashing down again.
OK, right now I kind of feel just ok, so maybe I should just mellow it out and not (as I often do) "hook on to it" even more and push myself because I want to feel all of it. Maybe then I won't drive myself to exhaustion. Maybe then I won't feel like I am "crashing" afterward.

Maybe this is very personal. But is anybody still reading this journal anymore at all? Maybe a part of me is looking for feedback.
And a part of me just thinks: Ha, I just want an explanation for what I go through, an identity. Somebody to say: "Yes you may have a disorder here." But then how do I know I don't just "act out" sometimes? Like the time years ago, in San Francisco, with my walkman on, roaming the streets at night, playing the "crazy one".

Maybe I should not post this.
Argh, I'll post it.

Maybe the prozac increase has been making me a little hyper this time.

Well, just generally speaking now: This is a good time. But sometimes inside, as I said, I struggle with myself: Why do I make myself go through this? Do I need instability? Do I need the excitement of it?"

my pdoc has told me on more then one occantion that there is no medication that is going to change who you are. there are all kinds of people out there and alot of them tend to analyze themselves. i don't think that this is a major problam. maybe you will always doubt yourself or maybe you just need to bring up your self confidence. i really don't know where i'm going with this because i also have a tendency to analyze myself. i never know if i'm saying the right thing or doing the right thing, always second guessing.

either way you would greatly benefit by see a pdoc again. i wish you lots of luck. wish i could be of more help to you.

harmony ;)

Thanks, you've all been great.
Right now I think the "high" may be kind of over, I am not sure, I hope not, the thought of it almost brings tears to my eyes.
But I'm ok. Noone to worry.:wave:

Kathrin